is used to people closing their eyes

Governor Tom Corbett, leader of Pennsylvania, where Rick Santorum’s grandfather “dug freedom” so that Rick Santorum could be free to pander to broke and bitter God- and gun-clinging Americans, has determined that a mandatory intentionally traumatic ultrasound of the fetus one is deciding not to keep is no big deal, and one should just “close” one’s “eyes” while it’s happening, and imagine what that variably sized zygote looks like, JUST IMAGINE, selfish wenches. And may your imagination end up being conveniently as damning as if you actually did look at the ultrasound screen. Also, what of the sounds from the ultrasound, now that we mention it? In this case, there’s no covering your ears and going “LA LA LA LA LA.” The Pennsylvania bill, as it’s being proposed, requires women to listen to the heartbeat of the fetus. And then don’t forget to pay, on your way to jail, because Obamacare won’t be around to cover any of this.

When Corbett was asked at a recent press conference whether making women have ultrasounds prior to abortions “went too far,” the slumping governor responded:

I don’t know how you make anybody watch. You just have to close your eyes.

A group of different, generally nice-to-ladies kind of governor promptly pounced on this, calling it just another example of the gross, gross sexist legislative moves that your Wonkette has been covering about 14 times a day since February and almost as frequently since the beginning of time. So the Virginia probe mandate didn’t work out so well, but Pennsylvania, like the rest of the country in every single category imaginable, is more or less divided down the middle over the ultrasound matter (48 percent opposed, 42 percent in favor, according to a Quinnipiac poll cited here), which is the statistical situation required for crazed Repubs to come in and invasively probe the shit out of the law, as it were.

Still, it looks like the Pennsylvania law is being tabledfor now. Apparently some of its early Republican supporters are now skulking away from it, brave souls. [Talking Points Memo]

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  • nounverb911

    Corbett needs a state mandated unanesthetized colonoscopy.

  • neiltheblaze

    Oh, just lay back and enjoy it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Think of England.

    • An_Outhouse

      Close your eyes and pretend Barry is sticking his giant dick in you.

      • neiltheblaze

        Just ignore the "cold, metallic" part of it.

      • No fair. Those sluts will be having screaming organizms.

  • CapnFatback

    "See? We're pro-choice. Close your legs or close your eyes. Ladies, it's your choice."

    • Fare la Volpe

      I want to have sex with this comment.

      Whoops! Aspirin slipped.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    This country is so fucked up.

    • More likely "down". I think Republicans only do it missionary.

  • FNMA

    Today, I am proud to be a resident of the great commonwealth of Pennsyltucky. Our governor has finally made the big time, Wonkette, and demonstrated that he can be just as big a dick as, well, pick any other governor. And now you all know. I'm getting a little choked up here…

    • HistoriCat

      Couldn't let Texas hog the spotlight today, eh?

    • (Pats Teh FNMA's back) There, there, dear. Breathe deep.

  • Nostrildamus

    Atta boy, Tom. Cover your teeth with your lips. I like it like that.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    These pricks are making it hard to be Kenny Fucking Powers.

    • SmutBoffin

      Adjust your jock, warm up that throwin' arm, and do a bump, Kenny. You'll be yourself in no time.

    • FNMA

      Kenny, just remember your words: "Kiss my ass and suck my dick. Everyone."

  • BarackMyWorld

    A woman's right to choose what I want them to choose.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously. That's just what these dicks don't get, it's the woman's right to choose.

      Not just in the case of rape or incest, not just in the case of a bad amniocentesis reading, not just in the case of an ultrasound showing a fetus with no arms and no legs and no head, not just in the case of extreme and life threatening preeclampsia or any other threat to the life or health of the mother.


      This is almost verbatim how I ended the last abortion argument I had with my Catholic father in law. It was the only time I have ever shouted at him; which is kind of odd, since he's from a family of shouters. Fifteen years and he hasn't raised the subject since then.

      All this endless, petty and niggling chipping away at the edges of Roe v. Wade for the last three decades is mostly what drove away this conservative cloth-coated Republican caveboy, firstly into the arms of the Libertarians, and ultimately the liberals.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Oh, goody. Perhaps the ladies could Think Of England while they're at it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Beat me to it. Dang.

  • edgydrifter

    Oddly, that's the same thing Corbett suggests to his lady staffers when he comes creeping around for some "perks of office."

  • Goonemeritus

    Sounds like the same advice some priests gave to their altar boys.

    • Crank_Tango

      don't bite down, also.

      • Eh, pillow-biters, ankle-biters, same thing, right?

  • MissTaken

    I close my eyes during the scare parts of horror movies, so I guess this is exactly the same?

    Oh, except for the fact that the horror is real and is forced upon me thanks to government mandate. Got it.

    • Jah, und do zese "horror movies" involve large shnakes?

    • With YOUR VERY OWN tax dollars! Isn't that … wonderful?

  • CivicHoliday

    Yes, I find that closing my eyes and humming to myself is always sufficient to distract me from being raped by a giant cold dildo. Years of practice makes perfect, I suppose.

  • dadanarchist

    Lay back and think of Jebus.

  • Lucidamente1

    Life imitates Doonesbury.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, the victim doesn't have to see anything, but closing her eyes won't stop her from feeling the cold metal rod that the state is raping her with.

    • MissTaken

      I feel your pain.

      • SorosBot

        I just wonder what the idiots who actually voted for this evil cretin were thinking; it's not like this was a surprise, he had already proven to be a horrible shitfuck back when he was our Attorney General.

        • FNMA

          Same thing the dumb fucks who elected horrible shitfuck Pat Toomey were thinking would be my guess.

    • Easy solution: ultrasound wand cozies! I'm sure we could sell them on Etsy for a pile.

      • MissTaken

        I'm knitting myself one right now! Went with yellow since I don't know if my zygote will be a boy or a girl.

        • If you go early enough in the pregnancy, I don't think the zygote knows either.

          Edit: doctors can give them away at the reception desk. Because nothing says "Sorry about the state-mandated sodomy" like the feel of yarn softening the cold metal some old white guy demands your doctor shove in your hoo-haw.

    • Here's what bugs me most. SOME of those women will undoubtedly be victims of rape and incest. And MY tax dollars will go to re-raping them, courtesy of Teh Gummint, or rather, TEH REPUBLIZARDS in teh gummint.

  • SmutBoffin

    Jesus, if I were in that situation (forced at gunpoint by fat old republican men to have an ultrasound, essentially), I would probably close my eyes and imagine scenes from Eraserhead.

    • FNMA

      In Heaven, everything is fine.

    • Or one of those terrific scenes from Zatoichi, where he essentially turns an entire army into quick-slice sushi.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Sorry, kids, but I need to post this link to Bridget Potter's prizewinning essay "Lucky Girl" one more time. Send it to every member of the Pennsylvania Legislature, maybe. This is what these fuckers want to return us to, and they THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA.

    • comrad_darkness

      Yeah, except the trials of actual living people are of zero concern (perhaps even negative concern) to the pols in question.

    • A. Like they fucking give a shit; B. Like the worst offenders won't be pulling their puds to it, srsly gross.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Those Rupublican scamps! Maybe we should mandate colonscopies with plumbers' snakes for those guys, since they don't see invasive procedures as such a big deal.

  • Crank_Tango

    "just close your eyes"–
    you just admitted how pointless it is, so I imagine you will be vetoing it as an unnecessary waste of money/rapey intrusion?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Yes, just how much is this morally superior exercise in futility going to cost the State?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Anybody got a list of these guys going to distribute to local law enforcement? I want a restraining order already.

  • MissTaken

    And ladies, be sure to wear waterproof mascara while having your vagina forcibly rammed by a digital dildo. Trust me, you don't want mascara running down your cheeks when you start crying from the pain of the experience. If your makeup is all messed up, how will you ever find a man?

  • MozakiBlocks

    Tom, just shut the fuck up.

  • HELisforHEL

    So what sounds would we hear? "Squiiiisshhhhhhshhhhhqiiqhsishsh" or whatever a zygote sounds like? A hiss? I already have that (tinitus has this category down), so no thanks–I don't need any additional buzzing in my ears.

    Good gawd, what fucking year is it?

  • Is there still time for Pat Robertson to be elected to office in this land? Because that must be what Pennsylvanians voting with their knuckleheads seemed to think they were doing here. And as long as my world perspective is composed of one crapload of mind-benders shanghai'd by the next, I'm ready to put Robertson in that coveted position of decision-making because his recent ideas make more sense than 99% of the buffoons lawfully occupying their conserva-what? seats.

  • LettucePrey

    Coincidentally, that's also what Corbett's wife tells herself each night.

  • Ironically, the Governor is telling women to use the same tecnique that women of his state think he is using (Na, na, na… I can't HEAR you!)

  • Callyson

    The Pennsylvania bill, as it’s being proposed, requires women to listen to the heartbeat of the fetus
    Since Governor Corbett has no discernible heart, he doesn't understand what the big deal about this is, either…

  • prommie

    Tex Antoine for the win!

  • MissTaken

    as it’s being proposed, requires women to listen to the heartbeat of the fetus.

    What if you're deaf? Do you have to pay for someone to sign the sounds of a zygote to you?

    • neiltheblaze

      Yes, and they'll make the patient pay for the service.

    • Extemporanus

      I just noticed that our senseless cycles are synced up.

  • Callyson

    The bill has lost several sponsors in recent days, including state Rep. Scott Perry, a Republican, who said “I don’t know that I’m against it,” referring to transvaginal ultrasounds, but added: “I’m not sure it needs to be mandated. A–I’m not a doctor. B–I’m not a woman,” the York Daily Record reported.
    C–so STFU already!

    • comrad_darkness

      Oh god, that's what self-awareness sounds like in a Republican.

    • Negropolis

      So, I signed on as a sponsor before the issue got hot, and now that it's radioactive, I'm backing the fuck off.

      Republicans are so not cynical and so very principled.

      Honestly, these are the worst kind of Republicans: the ones that know better.

  • Extemporanus

    Serious question:

    Is there a provision in the proposed bill adressing women who are visually or hearing impaired? Or is the Republican assumption that no one would wanna knock someone like that up in the first place?

    [Note to self: File patent request for ulltrasound 3D printer.]

    • MissTaken

      Will the ultrasound 3D printer create a bust of the zygote for the blind mom to feel? For some reason I cannot stop singing Lionel Richie's "Hello" now.

      • Extemporanus

        As currently designed, yes. Think Helen Keller Play-Doh Fetus Fun Factory™

        I'm also working out the logistics of integrating a vibrating heartbeat emulator, though for any fetus younger than 10 weeks, battery size is proving to be rather problematic.

        By any chance, do you know the process by which those potato clocks derive their power, because something like that might work.

  • boobookitteh

    Jesus fucking Christ.

  • YouBetcha

    I really wish I had something funny, clever, or snarky to say. But I don't. So instead I will say this.

    Listen, you putrid, fetid, pencil-dicked, micro-brained piece of shit: NO. No, we will not open our legs and close our eyes so that you can rape us by proxy, you vile fucking waste of DNA. Go fuck yourself, with an ultrasound probe. Be sure to keep your eyes closed. Cunt.

  • proudgrampa

    "Some of my best friends are women."

    • FNMA

      I seriously doubt that.

  • Fare la Volpe

    If men could get pregnant, abortion would be safe, legal, and available in chewables.

    • widestanceromance

      It could be another option at car washes.

      "Under-carriage wax and a D&C for you today, sir? Oh, we haven't seen you in a while, you'll be wanting the PowerWash with Full Baby Skull Drill, which will be free on this, your tenth visit!"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hell, it would be a sacrament.

    • Negropolis


  • MadBrahms

    Don't worry. They'll play some Enya in the background to help you relax.

  • carlgt1

    was there some sort of bizarro right-wing org behind all of these seemingly simultaneous invasive bills? jeez if I were a woman in the US this BS would turn me into a suicide bomber….

  • HistoriCat

    It's not where you come that matters, it's where the medical facility is … oh wait – not what you meant. Never mind.

  • UVP

    "Now. you're going to feel a small prick"

    "Doctor! We hardly know each other!"

  • SorosBot

    At least the woman-hating shit has been tabled for now, but Corbett (R-Energy Industry) has gotten his top priority through, making it so gas companies can drill or frack wherever the fuck they want to, without any say from the local communities whose water they will be poisoning.

    • Fare la Volpe

      We must protect the sanctity of life…for the unborn. The living get fuckall.

    • comrad_darkness

      What if it's clear the poison will harm fetuses?

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        Doesn't matter as long as you carry the little mutant to term. Duh.

  • DaRooster
  • bagofmice

    How f-d up is it when you can get people on record saying that eyelids are more protected openings than vaginas.

  • philpjfry

    Did I fall down a rabbit hole into an alternate universe? Jesus Christ this is ridiculass

  • widestanceromance

    How about a clumsy prostate exam by an overcaffeinated "technician" with advanced nail fungus to get Viagra? Jeebis wouldn't want it any other way.

  • Baconzgood

    If you close your eyes you also can't see them frack the living fuck out of our state too.


    Eyes wide closed, legs wide open.

  • This! Is! Radio Rape on wingnut satellite!!
    Orbiting your women's wombs —
    Fuckin' up the Bill Of Rights!!

  • HarryButtle

    Imagine there's no doctor
    Probing in your snatch
    Because of wrinkled old white men
    And their religion, natch
    You may say it's a fetus
    But it's a human being to them
    I hope someday they'll piss off
    And we can all live again

  • SorosBot

    Hey, our last governor, Ed Rendell, was very good, and you won't be anywhere near the scary middle parts of the state; pretty much no one in Philly voted for the assbag.

  • Steverino247

    Imagine there's no assholes
    It's easy if you try

  • Steverino247

    I would say it's pretty certain that SorosBot would do whatever it took to make you safe. Right SB?

  • anniegetyerfun

    I've been receiving those "What does your baby look like NOW?" emails ever since I got pregnant, and I can tell you, you don't have to look at the ultrasound or close your eyes. It looks like an obese tadpole mixed with a lima bean. It has flippers and about 7 chins. There is nothing romantic about it, and it's going to make you fat.

    • CivicHoliday

      Honestly this is the funniest thing to me about this "informing" women bit…have these asshats never actually looked at an ultrasound? Do they know that until you get to the second trimester your "baby" is pretty much indistinguishable from a pig or chicken fetus??

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        The "informing women" bit is a smoke screen. It's more about making an abortion more expensive and more difficult to obtain. Oh, and about punishing those sorry sluts for being whores.

        This is why they have been busy passing the lesser noticed abortion center building codes and other senseless regulations:

  • anniegetyerfun

    When I got an abortion a number of years ago, I had checked a couple of websites to see how formed it was – I think I was four weeks along. I SWEAR TO GOD, all the websites I saw showed a fully-grown human being holding a college diploma, wrapped in a placenta, gazing out sadly at me, but the people at the doctor's office were, like, "Yeah, no, four weeks? It's a sack of cells that are still dividing; you can't even find it when we take it out. Don't even worry about it."

    Of course, the GOP believes that all abortions take place in month 8 of the pregnancy, and that the viable fetus is then clubbed to death like a baby seal in Canada's fishing waters.

  • wolvenwood13

    All these misogynist GOPer's could easily be dealt with by women taking a page from Lysistrata. Who wants to have sex anyway if they have to be then raped by a dildo because they can't get birth control? Don't get me started.

  • owhatever

    Ah sez, "Barefoot and pregnant!" That's what ah sez.
    We don't need the votes of no women, sez ah.
    Taking America back … to the 1700s. It was good enough for Martha Washington.

  • ttommyunger

    Looking more and more like the RepubliKlans have contracted the dreaded "Snatching Defeat From the Jaws of Victory" disease from the DimCracks.

  • Steverino247

    Then by the power vested in me by my undisclosed location, I now pronounce you (Your terms of mutual respect and affection here). You may do as you please to each other.

  • James Michael Curley

    The most politically accurate statement about Pennsylvania is still the Ragin' Cajin's, "Philadelphia on one end, Pittsburgh on the other, with Alabama in the middle."

  • Darthhippy

    Commence the modified Ludivigo!

  • comrad_darkness

    Not only have the Republicans been overrun by the American Taliban, they have apparently been overrun by the Idiot American Taliban.

  • comrad_darkness

    "I don’t know how you make anybody watch. You just have to close your eyes." Corbett added, "After all, that's how my wife got pregnant."

    BTW, in checking that Corbett wasn't one of those middle aged bachelor republicans so fond of family values, I found this on the top of his wiki:
    This article is about the US politician. For the fictional character, see Tom Corbett, Space Cadet. For the Chief Scout of the British Commonwealth and Empire and Governor of Tasmania, see Thomas Godfrey Polson Corbett, 2nd Baron Rowallan.
    Somehow, that just says it all. About what, I don't know, but it says it.

  • lochnessmonster

    Time to add the anal probe in the law for men who want Viagra! Only fair if they want to impregnate the women's..

  • stncmchnc

    When I close my eyes I think about Tom, sorry Night Ranger.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Like Space Mountain? I didn't have my abortion anywhere near Disneyland, so how would this have helped me?

  • Awww.

  • fuflans

    oh fuck you you aging irish prick with a stupid rep stripe (green) tie.

  • Don't GO!! DON'T GO!!

  • Ain't nothing you can do if you get her pregnant and she chooses to abort, and this fucking law passes. And you know it. Move to California. We don't double-rape the wimminzfolks with their own tax dollars in THIS state.

  • FieryLocks

    Wonder if Corbett closes his eyes when his ALEC bosses drill him in the ass?
    Think they make him squeal like the pig he is?

  • What he is recommending is just SCCP (Standard Conservative Christian Protocol)

    A Child in the Womb is a Miracle of God. Therefore, one should be a averting the eyes anyway. God don't intend for His Miracles to be stared at. Especially by tramps and jezebels.

  • jzgplj

    Every one of these fucking legislators who vote for this shit should be punched right in the fucking throat.

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