Texas TeaHowdy, Merka! Big ol’ state o’ Texas don’t care to get told nothin’ no more from no Justice Department sumbitches yehaa an’ ‘cetera. That’s why they’re takin’ a breather from breakin’ their fillies and havin’ a gander at what they can do ’bout their nigra and Messican problems instead. First up, they maybe wouldn’t like ’em to vote so much, an’ if the D-O-J got a problem with it, the D-O-J knows where it can go! Texas AG Greg Abbott wants to take the Department of Justice all the way up to the Soopreme Court about it, and he’s got a right-purty new argument: The Voting Rights Act is un-Constitootional, that’s what, and nobody tellin’ him no different!

Abbott argues in the amended complaint that Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, amended by Congress in 2006, “exceeds the enumerated powers of Congress and conflicts with Article IV of the Constitution and the Tenth Amendment.”

“For the Department of Justice to now contend that Texas cannot implement its voter ID law denies Texas the ability to do what other states can rightfully exercise under the Constitution,” Abbott said in a statement.

For all you people-of-color and Jewishes who live in Elitist cities, what’s under fire is the fact that “some states” — like Texas — with a rather unfortunate history of not-being-racially-transcendent must have all new voting laws preapproved by the Department of Justice or a DC court. This is because of how, historically, they have been total pieces of shit. Think of it like [Your Big City Here]’s Police Department Consent Decree, where a whole bunch of civil rightsy folks get to look over the coppers’ shoulders and tell them to stop shooting black people all the time. Claro? Si.


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  • DaRooster

    Tejas should have their own elections… for their own country.

  • DaSandman

    Lets leave that shithole on the Messican's doorstep in the middle of the night. That ought to start a war.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Texas – a large flaming bag of shit

    • OneDollarJuana

      You know, that might not work out so well anymore since we did that little guns-to-Mexican-drug-cartels program.

    • DarwinianDemon

      With a note: "You touched it last, no take-sies back-sies"

    • I was gonna say, "Don't forget to light it on fiah first," but it looks like that damn Yasser Arrafeck beat me to it.

  • nounverb911

    Can we just pay Mexico to take Texas back?

    • Baconzgood

      Not Austin though. We get to keep Austin.

      • snoopyfan2010

        No, keep Houston. More racially transcendent. Less trendy.

        • Baconzgood

          Can't keep Houston. Zod's in charge of Planet Houston.

          • snoopyfan2010

            Wha???? Me no understand.

          • Baconzgood

            You need moar superman!

          • snoopyfan2010

            Oh….well look at my avatar. It shows how much I get into that kind of thing. Needs more Schroeder perhaps?

        • HistoriCat

          Plus, the lesbian mayor. Also, too.

          • snoopyfan2010

            It is the UN-Texan Part of Texas.

    • tahlavi52

      I'm an american expat living happily in Mexico (Mazatlán, Sin.). I have asked my Mexican friends about this many times. They say they don't want tejas back, as it is too corrupt.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Buy Comanche war bonds

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm having trouble reading the first paragraph because the reading voice in my head is just cold refusing to do the accent.

    • tejanojim

      The correct spelling is "yee-haw!". Hope that helps.

  • unclejeems

    Don't laugh. The current SCOTUS might agree.

    • Clarence Thomas only gets 3/5ths of a vote. He has to show ID whenever he comes back from the Supreme Head. He is cool with it, though.

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        and NO votes for the wimmins on the Court!

        • Fare la Volpe

          What are those women doing in court without their husbands present?

    • ph7

      The Gore v. Bush court loves upholding state voting laws, except when the don't.

  • Tundra Grifter

    There are mornings when I just feel like forgetting the Alamo.

    • nounverb911

      I drove past it once, I thought it was a Taco Bell.

      • Baconzgood

        My bike is in the basement.

      • And that's exactly why is Texas' premier tourist destination.

      • Tundra Grifter


        For some reason I signed up for a year of The History Channel Magazine. There's an article this month about the Alamo. Not one mention of slavery as a primary reason Texas sought independence from Mexico.

        • I thought Mexicans was the reason!

          • Tundra Grifter


            That would have been kinda tricky, as Texas was part of Mexico, the settlers had abandoned US citizenship and sworn allegience to Mexico – and were pretty much Mexicans themselves.

          • TG:

            I was using my "faux dumbass" voice.

            Also, TG:
            If you reply to one of my comments, I already have a good clue that you're talking to "CK." (Wink)

          • Tundra Grifter


            I put that in there because sometimes these replies get complicated.

            Actually, I think that's the true test of a post. High-test p-ratings are nice – but I like to see the conversation going. Twenty or so replies is a nice target.

            As for that whole Alamo thing – Mexico for the Mexicans. Unless they are Texicans, of course, or Tejanos. In which case it's pretty much every man for hisself…

        • OneDollarJuana

          I hear tell that the History Channel is run by right-wingers, so, duh.

          • Fare la Volpe

            You mean the network that broadcasts 12 hours a day of Hitler and 10 hours a day of Rapture prophecies might be conservative? Well I never!

    • sezme

      The Allah what now?

  • That pic is from "Fox News Casting Calls: Texas Edition"

    • nounverb911

      She's over qualified.

      • Unqualified, boobs aren't big enough.

        • nounverb911

          No one's boobs are as big as the boobs at Fox.

        • Callyson

          Nothing a padded push – up bra can't fix.
          What, the "men" who watch FOX think those hooters they are ogling are real?

      • AddHomonym


  • gullywompr

    This article probably said something about something, but I couldn't get my eyes past the Daisy Dukes. I'm sure it was interesting, sorry I couldn't be there.

  • SorosBot

    Isn't the Attorney General supposed to be a lawyer? The Fifteenth Amendment states that "The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation." Sorry moron, you fail constitutional law forever.

    • yrbmegr

      Yeah, he stopped reading at the Twelfth, because God! Have you read that thing?

    • DarwinianDemon

      Constitutional Law is for blahs and communists

    • You must not pay attention to RWNJ fuckbrainz, dood. Don't you remember when that penny-ante two-bit lawyer from AK, what was his name, Joe Lightbeer? — informed an astounded AMERKUH that Social Security, Medicare, and all that other FDR stuff was, like, TOADILY unconstitutional? Never mind that legal scholars had not even bothered to attempt to make that argument in over 70 years, legal scholars, I might add, of a far more meritorious ilk than he. He wuz gonna show us all, yeah, whatevz.

  • Lucidamente1


  • Yeah, voting rights have never been discussed in the Constitution. What is wrong with the Department of Justice?

  • littlebigdaddy

    But I hear they treat their niggras and Messicans REAL good down there in the Lone Star State!

    • Long's they don't git all uppitty and expect to be PAID, or nuthin', sure.

  • nounverb911

    Can we change the Constitution to make Texas 3/5ths of a state?

  • AlterNewt

    Like their Tourism Board used to say: "Texas, it's a whole other country".

  • RadioStalingrad

    I dunno nuttin'bout's votin' rights, but I'll bet that bitch likes to fuck.

  • YouBetcha

    Go ahead, Texas. Secession sounds like a great idea. Maybe our President will even take some time to phone Presidente Ricardo Perry to wish him good luck.

  • Not_So_Much

    If we sell Texas back to the Brownz, and the Louisiana Purchase back to the Frenchies, I think we solve a lot of problems. (But, obviously, would need to hurry and build the danged fence already.)

    • GemlikeFlame

      Preferably just north of Dallas and stretching through Lubbock to New Mexico first.


    • Yay, JERBZ!!

  • Baconzgood

    Tenth Amendment. That's all these fucks ever say. My daughter needs cancer treatment: Tenth Amendment. Immigration: Tenth Amendment. I stubbed my toe: Tenth Amendment. Tenth Amendment: Tenth Amendment

  • MissTaken

    Shorter Texas:

    Just because we be ackin' like bigoted assholes in the past don't be givin' the fedrul gubmint the right to stop us from ackin' like bigoted assholes again. Fer freedom. Yee haw!

  • It's strange that a region that can't let things go (Whau of Northurn Aggresshin and dealing with them colored peoples) is demanding the Feds let things go (Civil Rights act and history of Suthurn intransigence over colored peoples).

  • Someone's been smoking some serious shit down at Niggerhead.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    New business model for shooting ranges in Texas: entrances at opposite ends of the building.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    The Texas Legislature, or as I like to call it, the National Laboratory for Bad Government

    –Molly Ivins

  • Fare la Volpe

    Texas and Arizona: running neck and neck in the Fuckwad Olympics.

    • Baconzgood

      NOW NOW. Alabama has yet to get on pommel horse.

  • SorosBot

    Trying to suppress the right to vote for minorities yet again is certainly surprising from the state that seceded from two different countries to protect the "right" to own black people as slaves.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    The Reconstruction continues apace. We didn't think it'd take this long, but that's the South for ya.

  • Nostrildamus

    March Madness!!! Pick your brackets:





    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      This is pretty good, seeing as how it involves actual madness.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh! I just want to pick them all! Can I pick them all?

    • 'Zona National Wackadoo Champion.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Needz more Mississippi and Idaho!

    • Baconzgood

      WOW! They are ALL #1 seeds!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      HA. Excellent.

    • CivicHoliday

      Arizona takes it all. I bet 3 cans of hobo beans!

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Forty thousand Quatloos on the newcomers!

    • Fare la Volpe

      How could you snub South Carolina and Florida? Boycott!! Boycott!!

      • Nostrildamus

        Perennial powerhouse SC (see any story from 2008-2011) seems to have lost its edge recently. Yeah, they went nuts when Newt slapped down an uppity blah in the primary debate, but what have they done since then? Zippo. I blame management.

        FL gets props for drug-testing, but to make the final 8 you need an all around game – no one-trick ponies. Take heart, though. With elections in November, (always a FL strong suit) they're well positioned to take it all next year.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I'm gonna go look for some flaws in the way the U.S annexed Texas. I think there was some funny business going on.

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      You won't have to look far. in 1845 Texas was an independent country. Presidents Tyler and Polk both wanted to form a treaty with Texas so it could join the union, but neither could get the senate to provide the 2/3 majority to approve the thing. So Polk presented it as an annexation of a territory, which passed on a simple majority vote. Except it wasn't a terrtory at the time. Maybe we can the SC to invalidate the whole thing, and kick their sorry asses out.____

  • Callyson

    Don't mess with Texas…because you don't know where it's been.
    Seriously, just secede already, will you?

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm sick and tired of all these states that keep threatening to secede if they don't get their way. Secede already, so we can have an excuse to turn your state into a Third World country and ship your treasonous asses to Gitmo.

  • prommie

    There is so much hyperbole thrown around in political discussion, that I think people reflexively shy away from directly confronting the reality, when the reality starts to match the hyperbole. Like, the simple observation that "conservatism," as the term is now understood, is a revolutionary movement. This is literally true. By this I mean that it is no longer conservatism's goal to participate in the constitutional, legal, traditional political system of the US, and gain and exercise power in accordance with law and tradition. It is the goal of conservatism to subvert and destroy the current system, to seize power by any means, to exercise that power without restraint, and to perpetuate that power by dismantling the democratic process (which is bad enough as it is). Simple facts.

    • proudgrampa

      Barry Goldwater would not recognize today's conservative.

      He'd poke him in the nose.

      • prommie

        Yeah, Goldwater would poke them in the nose. But they would kill us. Thats something we need to take in as real fact, not hyperbole. The conservatives do not believe liberals are valid citizens or valid human beings. They truly believe we are evil, and that we are threats to their God-given values, and if they weren't still somewhat afraid that they might not win a shooting match, they'd start shooting us tomorrow. Ask the Hutu and the Tutsi about this. They would shoot us. As it is, they pack the branches of government with "moles," true believers who have no intention of 'faithfully executing their duties," but instead are their to advance their cause, which is seizing and consolidating and perpetuating their power. Bush v. Gore, that was just the first shot in this sub rosa war they are waging.

        • V572 Flambé

          "Every good Christian should line up and kick Jerry Falwell's ass." But of course he was half Jewish and therefore suspect.

        • Fare la Volpe

          You're not exaggerating about that. Scroll through any big name conservative website on a typical day, and you'll find at least three separate death threats or veiled death threats among the comments. No one is fooled by their "second amendment remedies" bullshit – they're threatening to kill people. Full stop.

        • I' m sure you read the article about some dumbshit killing a US Army twerp purportedly for being an atheist. Just this morning.

    • BarackMyWorld

      What we call conservatism is actually a reactionary movement to make it the 19th century again.

      • prommie

        But revolutionary, in that it has no intention of staying within the rules of the system to achieve that goal. It intends to destroy the current system, and remake something in the form of what it imagines the 19th century was like, though of course history never was as they conceive it to have been.

    • Fare la Volpe

      That isn't very bipartisan of you.

    • V572 Flambé

      All this right-wing bluster is about retaining the primacy of extraction industries (mostly oil) as the most powerful political, social and economic force in our society. Look at how they call an innocuous program like "smart growth" a UN plot. Look at how they have the 'necks convinced that any motive power besides the oil-fueled internal combustion engine is a threat to our way of life, and that the Chevy Volt is a death trap. Think land use is just a trivial local matter? Big Oil doesn't. They want more freeways, more Sprawltopias, more Phoenixes and fewer Portlands.

      • prommie

        True, extraction industries fund the movement and direct a lot of legislation, but the movement true believers, they are revolutionaries and they truly are out to destroy our institutions as they exist now in service of their cause. They will remake it as a theocratic bannana republic, something like Saudi Arabia, maybe, or Iran. A "democracy," in the same way Guatamala and Russia and Iran have "elections," with the extraction industries and polluters allowed to run rampant in the name of "liberty" while minorities, women, and homosexuals are relegated to second class status, if tolerated at all (gays).

    • GeneralLerong

      You've been reading Corey Robin, haven't you.

      I keep wondering…wondering…what it would be like if we took the hint and turned on the GOP and guillotined the lot of them to _preserve_ our government rather than overturn it.

      Course, in the best Jacobin tradition, I guess we'd then have to go after the Democrats. Or may we could just substitute the 1% and call it good?


  • Schmannnity

    Texas: Time to appoint a federal receiver. Maybe Steve Ratner can do for Texas what he did for GM.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Don't get Texas wrong — it's all for voter equality. It's just worried about it being misapplied to — you know — non-white people.

  • LiveToServeYa


  • It's almost as if he's scared Obama is going to be reelected.

  • mavenmaven

    Much like their Jesus is really white-person-Jesus, who substitutes violence and killin' for love, so their constitution is the white-people-constitution, to much the same effect.

  • Guppy

    I seem to recall a bit in the Fourteenth about losing House seats if you deny enfranchisement.

    I mean, if they want to get all serious about it…

    • prommie

      There is also something in the 14th, or is it the 15th, that specifically says Congress may pass laws to enforce and effectuate the purposes of the civil rights amendments, which kinda takes Article IV and the tenth Amendment out of play.

      • James Michael Curley

        Article 14, Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article. (The 14th)
        Article 15, Section 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. (15th)

        The wording would not be interpreted to invalidate the Tenth Amendment. However, it also means that such rights and liberties empowered in those amendments are no longer such rights and liberties the granting of which are 'powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, [and] are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people" Tenth Amendment.

        • If you guys are gonna be citing and summarizing and closing, I'm gonna need a Law & Order chime at the end of every comment!

          • James Michael Curley


  • yrbmegr

    Haven't all the voter id laws that have been challenged been found unconstitutional so far?

    • Fare la Volpe

      God bless conservatives: They've never let a little thing like "constitutionality" get in their way before.

    • James Michael Curley

      A few have been interrupted in their implementation by lower courts but the current rash have been written to circumvent decisions enacted previously with South Carolina's 'challenge and look' law which remains on the books after almost six years but empowers election workers to ask for identification in the form of yada, yada when they have reason to believe the person presenting himself is not the registered voter.

      Various attempts to over rule legislation requiring 'photo ID's' and such should be aggressively argued under the 14th Amendment Section 2, " No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States;"
      Katzenbach v. Morgan, 384 U.S. 641 (1966) provides more than sufficient authority to argue that a state law which requires the 'ID of the week" abridges the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States.

  • prommie

    Where is her red cup? I would hit that, repeatedly, but I suspect she would have to be drunk; she has the wrist-bands on, but where is her cup, time for me to fill it for her.

    • ph7

      Reminds me of the only country song (Willie excepted) that I like.

  • Which is more depressing: that in the 21st century, a state in the US would be suing the federal government for the 'right' to openly and deliberately disenfranchise racial minorities, or that given the composition of the court, there's pretty much even money on them winning, despite the copious modern precedent to the contrary, not to mention that what they're demanding is despicable and terrible.

  • neiltheblaze

    Wait until Barry gets re-elected. You think they're losing their shit now?

    • prommie

      Es verdad.

    • V572 Flambé

      Hoping (as I do) that a re-elected Barry will reveal his true liberal self is like hoping that President Romney will retain ACA and Medicare and not snuff Planned Parenthood, because he used to be in favor of that stuff when he was goobernor.

    • doloras

      Actually, might it be the opposite? All this a-hootin' and a-hollerin' is to gin up the troops to go and vote the Kenyan Socialist Usurper out. But after 20 Jan 2013, what will be the point?

  • bagofmice

    You can't discuss Texas without this video.

  • O.T. but if we are without Newell for a second day in a row, dare I hope he's rolling his shirtsleeves to take on a NoonyNYNY post in time for Friday Fun?

    If it helps, I'll take that blond wig off that nicely photoshop'd nutter and plop it on his head to get in a Peggington-like mood.

  • freakishlywrong

    We're not even close to peak-wingnut, kids.

    • prommie

      They're gonna do it, aren't they? They're going to go full **tard.

    • James Michael Curley

      No construction workers wielding 2X4's up top the heads of unwashed hippies on Broadway, but it will come.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Remember when (November, 2000) it was sort of hilarious but shameful at the same time that other countries were offering to send election monitoring personnel to help out the U.S. with its voting problems, but that it's sort of no longer hilarious and even more shameful that those voting problems are now so institutionalized that the U.N. is threatening to get involved?

    • freakishlywrong

      Thanks to the Banana Republicans, we're a laughing stock.

  • Local_Mojo

    Judgimg from that photo, the hairdressers must have already immigrated from Texas.

  • owhatever

    Y'all have Texas all wrong. I'll get back to you on the details, but basically our Constitution overrules your Constitution from border to border: says so in our Constitution. Except in Lubbock, which has its own Constitution.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Them folks in DC, thems some uppity, um, uppity, nig, er neg, er, blah, er… well darn um', we's all white folk down here, c'mon!

  • elgin_pelican

    "Don't Bother With Texas"

  • WiscDad

    5, 2006, IV, Tenth….I was told there would be no math

  • crybabyboehner

    Your average Texan only wants to do what is right by the Messicans. Why make trouble?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    That 15th Amendment just doesn't count since it allowed Obama to be President. As they don't believe Obama is constitutionally qualified to be President, anything he does to enforce the Constitution is un-constitutional.

  • ttommyunger

    …and these people actually want the Brownz and Blah vote? I mean, really, whites are outnumbered in that outdoor toilet of a State like three to one and growing geometrically, fer Chrissakes. What can they be thinking?

    • HAHAHA, you said "thinking."

      • ttommyunger

        Got me! ;D

  • DahBoner

    That's what passes for "sexy" down in Tejas???

    Bleached hair, fake tan and a figure like a fire hydrant?

    You boys oughtta come in outta the hot sun…

  • Man, these BLAHs and BRAHs are getting real fucking uppity, ain't they, expecting to vote and all. Don't they realize that the Constitution doesn't apply to them because NOTWHITE? Next they'll be wanting to get PAID MUNNIEZ for their work.

  • Ain't nuthin' there but forest faaaahrz and snakes anyhow.

    • redarmyzombie

      Not even that. Just fire, and, well…dirt.

      Mind-boggling number of strip-bars though. Seriously, you can drive through the whole fucking desert and find more strip bars than gas stations. It's fucking depressing, I tell ya.

  • OK, who gave that silly bottle blonde those blackeyes? Was it one of those Republizards who are all hatey-hatey on Teh Domestic Violences and longing for a Violentz Agin' Teh Wimminz?

  • swordfis

    In what way are these people "conservatives?" True conservatives believe in the right to privacy, protection from government interference, small but efficient Federal Government, public/private partnerships, skepticism about foreign entanglements, etc.

    These people are fascists.

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