Currently not in the kitchen making her husband a sandwichAnybody with half a brain (and specifically those with half a brain) knows that the GOP loves women — loves them just to death! — and it’s the Democratic leadership like Louis C.K. and Your Wonkette who call cunty women “cunts” so we are super-way-worse. So why is everybody ragging all over the poor maligned GOP? Because the Democrats are playing partisan political “tricks” on them, like forcing them to vote against the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, that’s why! Twirl your mustaches, everybody! Twirl your mustaches for evil!

Let Alabama Jeff Sessions explificate the Rovian madness of the modern Democrat Party:

“I favor the Violence Against Women Act and have supported it at various points over the years, but there are matters put on that bill that almost seem to invite opposition,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, Republican of Alabama, who opposed the latest version last month in the Judiciary Committee. “You think that’s possible? You think they might have put things in there we couldn’t support that maybe then they could accuse you of not being supportive of fighting violence against women?”

Yes, that is possible indeed! So, like what?

The legislation would continue existing grant programs to local law enforcement and battered women shelters, but would expand efforts to reach Indian tribes and rural areas. It would increase the availability of free legal assistance to victims of domestic violence, extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking, and provide training for civil and criminal court personnel to deal with families with a history of violence. It would also allow more battered illegal immigrants to claim temporary visas, and would include same-sex couples in programs for domestic violence.

You could see how the Republicans could never vote for anything like that, because that would mean admitting gheys exist, and also Mexicans. Case closed! But is there more? Perhaps a concerned woman for America could give her view!

Janice Shaw Crouse [pictured above!], a senior fellow at the conservative Concerned Women for America, said her group had been pressing senators hard to oppose reauthorization of legislation she called “a boondoggle” that vastly expands government and “creates an ideology that all men are guilty and all women are victims.”

That’s just how Your Wonkette reads it too. What about you, Phyllis Schlafly? Got anything shitty and insane to add?

Last month on the conservative Web site, the conservative icon Phyllis Schlafly called the Violence Against Women Act a slush fund “used to fill feminist coffers” and demanded that Republicans stand up against legislation that promotes “divorce, breakup of marriage and hatred of men.”

Thank you. So the rest of you sluts, who are unconcerned, not “women,” and certainly not “for” America, take a tip from Phyllis: before you leave your abusive husband, just try to remember what you loved about him in the first place. And while you’re at it, try not to make him so mad!


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • SexySmurf

    Jeff Sessions should just remember all the reasons he voted for it in the first place.

    • V572 Flambé

      U of AL Law grad Sessions opposes any "increase [in] the availability of free legal assistance to victims of domestic violence." It's a guild thing.

    • jjdaddyo

      He's recently remembered that he sure does love to slap a ho.

  • boobookitteh

    You think they might have put things in there we couldn’t support that maybe then they could accuse you of not being supportive of fighting violence against women?

    Where on Earth could the Democrats ever have learned that tactic?

    (You, Jeffy. They learned it from you.)

  • ChernobylSoup
    • proudgrampa


  • No Injun ever abused a squaw. That's what white settler wimmin are for.

  • I am sick up and fed with all this anti-woman shit!

    (Anybody else remember Cheech and Chong?)

    • Pretty much all of us Oldz, hon.

    • Trinket

      Earache, my eye!

  • edgydrifter

    It's a Republican fact: 83% of all rapists are women.
    The more you know.

  • Janice Shaw Crouse [pictured above!], a senior fellow at the conservative Concerned Women for America, said her group had been pressing senators hard to oppose reauthorization of legislation she called “a boondoggle” that vastly expands government and “creates an ideology that all men are guilty and all women are victims.”

    Clearly, she misses the attention.

  • nounverb911

    This is good news for Lorena Bobbitt.

  • YouBetcha

    After the Republicans have their asses handed to them in the next election, I'm going to send each of them a bouquet of roses with a card that reads, "I'm sorry baby. It'll never happen again."

    • MissTaken

      "I only voted against you because I love you".

      • Nothing personal, but I found a younger, hotter candidate.

    • Callyson

      Why, you're the tender type. My card is going to read "Look what you made me do."

      • Don't forget to add, "You FUCKING BITCH," at the bottom in bold uppercase.

    • Be sure to personally kick the shit out of each of those motherfuckers right after they get the goddamn flowers. I will "go with," for assistance.

  • Seriously, why can't women just stop attracting all this violence?

    • DaRooster

      It was the way she was dressed…

    • CthuNHu

      No male Republican official has ever laid a single finger on a woman.

      Because half of them have no interest in touching women at all, and the other half use the whole fist.

    • I done told that FUCKING BITCH a million times, goddammit, why you gotta make me treat you like that? But!! Do they LISTEN? (draws back arm, makes a fist) Maybe THIS will teach them to keep their FUCKING BITCH mouth shut, like Gawd intended.

  • memzilla

    Of course Rethuglicans have no interest in "filling feminist coffers."

    Filling rentboy coffers, on the other hand…

    • Coffers, huh. Is THAT what they're calling Teh HappyPartz these days?

  • Goonemeritus

    As Ike Turner said about Tina, todays GOP only supports hitting women the right amount.

  • freakishlywrong

    What are we to do now that almost fiddy percent of the country has clearly lost their spadoinkle?

  • For what? Premature rejectulation?

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Bitch set me up.

  • Callyson

    I learned in school that the Republicans rode to power in the 1960's, 1970's and 1980's partly due to their claim to be the Law and Order party, defending the nation against criminals. I guess that this claim now comes with an asterisk: *protection from criminals does not apply to womenfolk.
    And I get to go to my accounting class tonight, led by a very vocal Republican instructor. I swear, if he starts in on an unrelated GOP talking point tangent–yet again–I am walking the fuck out. So sick of these assholes.

    • At the end of the semester, file a complaint with the department.

      • Callyson

        Oh, I'll be calling him out on the evaluation–which the department actually reads. I've got notes with several facts to respond to what he's said so far.
        One thing that does help–the second midterm (which we had last week) was rather difficult and students–including the Paultards who sit behind me–are pissed. So the silver lining is that if he does go off again, he just might move some of my classmates toward Obama…

        • (Falls to knees, prays)

      • Is it actually against the rules for professors to express political views? Isn't this used against "our side" all the time?

        • UnholyMoses

          "Our side's political views" = "Mentioning anything most consider being of this reality, but righties think is evil/wrong/unprofitable/kind"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Give him a break, it's just that double-entry bookkeeping is so darn political.

    • SorosBot

      They didn't really mean criminals though; that was just their code word for black people, for a time hippies, and also uppity women.

    • snoopyfan2010

      It is okay if the points are conservative. That is a REAL education.

    • chicken_thief

      See. See!!! Santorum was right about the indoctrination of our students by the pinko leftist commie….. oh, wait….

    • doloras

      No, the asterisk says: "*for "criminals", read "Negros"."

    • I know you probably can't do it because GRADES, but in my heart I shall console myself with the vision of you yelling in his face, "You are SO FULL OF SHIT, I can't believe they actually let you teach, you moronic fuckhead." This will be my "goodnight, beddy-bye time" Thought Of Consolation.

  • DaRooster

    The "Violence Against Women Act" is a horrible name… Me thinks it need a NO or a STOP in there somewhere.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Can we make it so its acronym is VAJAYJAY?

    • Guppy

      Why? As it is, it's yet another bill that does the exact opposite of what the name says.

    • Geminisunmars

      Also, you know what VACA means, don't you?

  • This is just too convoluted for my brain to handle.

    Or maybe it's Opposite Day?

    • LesBontemps

      It's always Opposite Day.

      • Except when it's not.

        • LesBontemps

          If only you knew the difference, I wouldn't have to beat you.

  • Baconzgood

    Give that bitch the beat down.

  • MissTaken

    I'm wearing a boondoggle skirt today so it will obviously be my fault when some man is forced to stalk and attack me as I head home from work. I'm such a bad woman.

    • Well, there goes my afternoon plans!

    • Prepare yourself for a good hard snorfling.

    • SorosBot

      You'll just be forcing some nice man to attack you with that skirt, just like those awful altar boys who forced those holy Catholic priests to stray from their vows of celibacy.

    • OK, so what the hell IS a "boondoggle skirt"?

  • SorosBot

    "Phyllis Schlafly … demanded that Republicans stand up against legislation that promotes “divorce, breakup of marriage and hatred of men.”"

    So the dumbass fuckhead thinks it's better for women to stay married to abuse creeps than to get divorced. Motherfucking cockheaded shitbitch.

    • I wonder how she feels about Kathryn Limbaugh?

    • Geminisunmars

      It's worked out well for her.

    • sarah_connor

      Oh SB, now I remember why I loved you in the first place…

    • You must never have had anything to do with domestic violence organizations. Getting funding used to be SUCH a fucking BITCH because all these old farts would look us in the eye and claim that we were DESTROYING Teh Famblee. Because, you know, those crazy wimminz bitchez should learn not to make their husbands hit them. Or something.

  • All this news and posts on wimmens stuff is making my head spin! Next thing you know there's going to be recipes or fashion news.

    Can we please have some posts about tools or NASCAR or stuff blowing up or something?

  • LesBontemps

    I am snarkless. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

  • GregComlish

    How come Republicans are letting some men get away w/ domestic violence jus cuz theys a faggot?

    • You srsly want to know? Really and truly?

      Because it's just faggotz, and if they kill each other off, haw haw, there's one less for US to have to beat the shit out of. Srsly. I have heard this said to my face.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “creates an ideology that all men are guilty "

    That ideology has been around for a very long time. It's known as "marriage".

    • "I don't know what I did to make you mad, honey, but I'm going up to my room to think about how I can prevent it from happening again."

      • MozakiBlocks

        Mr. Mozaki Blocks says that he's going to begin each morning with a blanket apology for whatever may occur in order to get it out of the way.

      • Oblios_Cap

        or "I'm going to get blamed for something anyway, so I might as well head on down to the bar and do something worth getting bitched at for."

    • gullywompr

      I'm a recidivist – apparently ice cube trays don't just refill themselves. Who knew?

    • If you introduced her to to the law firm of Uppercut & Roundhouse, you wouldn't be plagued with these nuisance suits.

      • Duly Tweeted with attribution.

        Sorry, dood. It was too fucking good to ignore.

  • AlterNewt

    It seems that these people are somewhat…. ambivalent as to their feelings toward women.

    • walterhwhite

      I think hate is pretty definite.

    • Where "ambivalent" = TOTALLY HATEY-HATEY

  • UW8316154

    Sluts, feminazis and Callista.
    Kinda sums of the GOP view of women right there, doesn't it.

    • That was kinda hot until you threw in Callista.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    This bill will have to go back into committee, and will re-emerge as the "Violence Against Straight White Women Only (No Wetbacks or Lezzies) Act."

    • Gay MEN are just as much victims of DV, my friend, as are Transwomen/men and bisexuals. Also too.

  • Did anyone tell the GOP that the wimmin-folks can vote nowadays? Maybe we should tell them about talkies first.

    • HistoriCat

      They're still having trouble with those new-fangled flying machines.

  • May I suggest the "Violence Against Sea Creatures Act" instead?
    It's not very controversial at all.

    • Punch a shark for Christ!

    • An_Outhouse

      Are you suggesting that someone smells like tuna fish?

    • So all those dirty old garoupas get a free pass on sex abuse now?

      Oh, wait, I thought you were talking about the Catholic Church. Never mind.

  • I am at a loss. I grew up in the late 20th century this crap from 1910 is beyond me. Next thing you know, the gals will want the vote. Crazy talk

  • prommie

    Those hypocritical conniving dmeocrats have filled the Violence Against Women Act with these extraneous provisions that they know we republicans cannot support, like this provision here, which would make it illegal for a husband to beat his wife, even if "she had it coming."

  • I'm pretty sure the GOPers don't want anyone to vote for them except wife beating chronic masturbators of scat porn with an altar boy fetish.

  • chascates

    You know the right would just love to legalize honor killings.

    • swordfis

      No – that presupposes honor.

  • Not_So_Much

    Phyllis Schlafly is really taking this whole 'playing hard to get' thing to new extremes.

    • walterhwhite

      Why isn't she dead yet?

      • Because only the good die young. It says so in some pop song or the other.

  • Baconzgood

    Where are all these sluts? According to the GOP I should have a woman try to suck me off every time I get on the subway.

    • Obvs, you're using the wrong line.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    More legal assistance means only more reporting and filing assault charges. Means acknowledging more victims – you know, what do we expect? To be raped too much? Or just right? If our men don't do it, our doctors will, at least in Virginia, with the transvaginal probes.

    The GOP just hates victims, and they attack their own once they become victims too.

  • BarackMyWorld

    …would include same-sex couples in programs for domestic violence.

    Now we just need a homophobic elected official to link this to S&M and the latest Jenga game of stupid can reach its inevitable conclusion.

  • BTW, Editrix?

    LURVE the alt-text….

  • An_Outhouse

    What is it about 'Shut Up!' that broads don't understand?

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Obviously, you want to be for the title,” Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri, a member of the Republican leadership, said of the Violence Against Women Act. “If Republicans can’t be for it, we need to have a very convincing alternative.”

    Senator Blunt is going to introduce the "I'll Stop Hitting You If You Stop Making Me Mad" Act of 2012.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So long as you don't skullf**k her.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Is Skullfucking good or bad porn? I should ask Rick.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Cranial sex is close enough to oral sex – Pat Robertson approves!!

  • freakishlywrong

    Has anyone told these shitheels that it's an election year?

    • MissTaken

      Yes, and these stupid fucks actually hink this will help them win. Because the wife-beating males are a valuable voting block that hasn't not been properly courted recently.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Only White American Women's bottoms.

    But I think the bill will be clear and concise enough with out having to get into a discussion of specific body parts.

    • chicken_thief

      Otherwise, it may run afoul of President Santorum's new anti-porn laws.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        And really, nothing makes a conservative Republican more squeamish than having to think about lady parts.

  • MissTaken

    I'm so glad the Concerned Women of America are finally standing up for the rights of men. For far too long, white men in America have been held down by laws requiring decency and respect for the penis-challenged. It's finally time for white men to stand up for their right to smack a bitch.

    • SorosBot

      It didn't take long for the GOP to escalate their war against women from trying to get rid of contraception to actually supporting domestic violence. Fuck these people are disgusting.

  • WiscDad

    The Republican party LOVES women…TO DEATH

    • Jerri

      True (OT) story:
      Saw a church sign the other day that said "Jesus Loves You…To Death!"

      Um…no thanks, God. I'm good with this whole "being a non-believer and being alive" thing I have going.

      • "Look what you made God do to his only Son, with your sinning!!"

        • You forgot to add the perennial Republizard endearments of "You SLUT!! You PROSTITUTE!!!" with plenty extra BANGS for, you know.

    • anniegetyerfun

      "Look what you made us do!"

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So Rebecca, are you a misogynist or just a potty-mouth?

  • Like most New Rules Wonketeers, I recoil from misogynystic terminology. But as an interesting lexicographical point, did you know the "gyn" in "misogyny" is a derivation of "cunt?" Yep. That's right. "Cunt."

    What were we talking about again?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Pussy. We were talking about pussy.

    • Geminisunmars

      I'm all for derivation.

    • Yeah, but misocuntny just didn't have the same ring.

    • This IS Teh Wonketz, dood. So, either "cunt" or "buttsechs," pretty much.

  • proudgrampa


    Really. Just unbelievable.

  • LiveToServeYa

    What do you tell a Republican with two black eyes? Oh, there's lots more where that came from.

    • I b'leev Teh Republizard Term for those is "BLAH eyes," dood.

  • freakishlywrong

    Just being a repuglican these days is committing violence against women.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Just being a repuglican these days is committing violence against women humanity, reason, common sense, decency …

  • Doktor StrangeZoom
  • So to recap: growing up in a family where you and your mother are regularly abused: not problem for children and families. Certainly better than permitting women to flee for their safety and that of their children, and just to hammer that point home, let's make sure they can't get public benefits either. Living in a world where sex for pleasure exists, at all, on the other hand? Why won't anyone think of the children???!

    Seriously, fuck these guys.

  • Sassomatic

    You see Democrats, look what you made them do! They had to beat you vote against this legislation, because you are so sneaky and full of lies, you sluts.


      Yeah, I'm enjoying this way too much.

  • Finally, the Republican strategy is becoming clear: They're going to spend winter, spring and summer bitchslapping America, and then, come fall, they're going to be all contrite and like, "C'mon! You know I love you, baby!" and beg us to take them back and we will because, you know, they've changed and they really love us and they're so good-looking and who else is going to be your "plus one" for that December wedding? And like someone your age could do better, puh-leeze! Do you want to grow old alone? Do you?!?

    Egad! Those clever, clever Republicans!

  • Jerri

    Jesus tap-dancing Christ!!

    I love all these women like Phylis who think that putting down women who, I don't know, don't want to be stalked, beaten and murdered (so selfish!) are childish, irresponsible, discredits to the gender.

    News flash, Phil. Just because you put us down to get on the good side of god-fearin' republicans, just because you're (in your own prim, psychotic way) "one of the guys," does not mean those dickheads you associate with think you're equal to them. They might think you're "one of the good ones," but that and a buck two-eighty doesn't mean much. I'm sorry, doesn't mean much Toots.

    • Of course Phyllis knows she isn't equal, that is what she has been trying to tell you!!

      • Jerri

        Damn my thick, womanly skull!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The GOP's substitute language just offers women advice on how not to burn pot roasts and avoiding harassing their man about their whereabouts night after night.

    • Or looking at him wrong. We used to get women coming in with horror stories about how some guy had punched their lights out for "acting like they were gonna get a beating." Apparently, it caused those poor, poor men to get all stressed out and deliver the expected beating, you know, just to make sure the old lady had something to bitch about.

  • mavenmaven

    That line about promoting divorce, is the scariest thing anyone has ever said, in other words, a woman getting beaten and abused should care more about about staying married than her own life (better her husband be a widower than divorced, apparently).

    • Yeah, because, you know, destruction of the FAMBLY = downfall of society/premarital/extramarital sexxxytime/HOMOsexuality/feticide/war/godlessness and who the FUCK knows what-all else.

  • Guppy

    If women weren't trapped in loveless or abusive marriages, there'd be fewer opportunities for cathartic, adulterous sex!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Those feminist coffers are overflowing, too, aren't they?

    Oh, is "coffer" not slang for "bra cup"? My bad!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Amendments will include "Bitch, I done TOLD you not to bug me when I first get home" and "WHY AREN'T THE DISHES FUCKING DONE YET?"

  • chicken_thief

    It is amazing the twists and turns of their pretzel logic just to avoid saying "we don't want it to apply to homos and brownz."

    • "Destroying Teh Fambleeee" = "admitting teh gayitude EXISTS"

      Exact same thing, really.

  • Pickle Monger

    I totally read that headline wrong but then realised I wasn't so far off…
    So basically, by refusing to reauthorize Violence Against Women Act, the Republicans have reauthorized Violence Against Women.

  • MissTaken

    Gawd women, quit your bitching! At least you've gotten a man to marry you. Sure he may smack you around a bit, but at least you're not single!

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Wait… why isn't the NRA weighing in on this? Got a problem with Old Man? Get a gun lady! problem solved! Yessiree. If everybody was packing heat, we'd all be sooooo much more civil to each other.

  • owhatever

    What part of "No Girls in the Tree House" don't you sluts understand?

  • CivicHoliday

    The GOP will propose an amendment that will require ER doctors to send all lesbian and immigrant women home with anti-skid shoes rather than with a police escort. You know, to help keeping them from falling down the stairs so much. So clumsy, these women.

  • OneYieldRegular

    To be fair, Phyllis Schlafly was born only *four* years after women were allowed to vote in the U.S., so she has a lot of catching up to do.

    • walterhwhite

      Like I said earlier, why isn't she dead yet?

  • The Republicans have countered with the "We Frown On Domestic Violence In The Title Of This Bill But Wink At It By Not Funding Enforcement Act."

    • MadBrahms

      Complete with "Just Tell Your Doctor You Fell Onto A Doorknob" provision.

  • real_dc_native

    I get it! Pure Genus! The GOP is going after the self-loathing vote. Just imagine all the self hating women, gays, black people, and immigrants that will vote GOP!

  • GreatChristiano

    Darn it. I looked up the word "explificate" but can't find it.

    Guess I'll keep looking…

    • Well, I'd rolled a big fat joint but it was kind of lopsided and had stems sticking through the paper, so we explificated it into a pipe.

      • GreatChristiano

        Nice. That's prolly what I shoulda did done.

        It worked wonders, right?

      • dinkybossetti

        I bet you are awesome at Balderdash.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    You could see how the Republicans could never vote for anything like that, because that would mean admitting gheys exist, and also Mexicans.

    Oh they admit that gays and brown people exist; their issue with the legislation is that it implies that violence against them is somehow undesirable.

    • Upfisted most mightily for sussing THAT out.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Time to get Joe involved. If there is one thing that will get our VP fired up, it is this issue. The VAWA is his baby and I can't imagine that he would let this slide.

    Edit: Well, I did. I emailed Joe and asked him to please do what he can.

    • You STEED! Be sure to let us know what hoppen. Stopping domestic violence has always been an important part of my own p'litical agenda, and right now me likey you many upfisties.

  • ChessieNefercat

    I have an old copy of this poster:

    The long list of excuses that make up the poster are handily printed in larger type under the picture of the poster.

  • ttommyunger

    Is hurling chunks considered violence? Cause, that's about all Phyllis and this other cunt in the pix would get out of me.

  • NYNYNYjr

    They got tricked into authorizing this the last time. I mean, Violence Against Women Act sounds good, but after reading the the thing it's like it should really be called the Protect Women from Violence Act.

    God gave man dominion over the beasts of the land and women- Genesis 3:33

  • commiegirl


  • Gopherit

    After reading Schafly's comments, a bald eagle cried a perfect tear.

  • DahBoner

    Mexicans don't exist.

    In certain neighborhoods. In Wisconsin.


  • You BITCH! You fucking BITCH! See what you made me do? Huh? See what you made me do? I didn't WANT to do it, but you just hadda go be a goddamn fucking BITCH, din'tcha, and push my buttons? Maybe NOW you'll understand that you need to keep your fucking BITCH mouth shut unless you're sucking my dick.

  • fuflans

    god almightly janice is the ugliest thing.

    that's not going to win the young girl vote. hell that's not going to win any vote.

    i know, i'm really shallow. can't help it. raised that way.

  • reasonbran

    There once was a fellow named Rush
    Whose gray cells had turned into mush.
    How could he love Dubya
    While also, lord lubya,
    Be across-the-board so anti-bush?

Previous articleNewt Gingrich: ‘My Opponents Cannot Comprehend’ The Divine Magical Powers Of King Newt
Next articleTexas Totally Over This Whole Voting Rights Act Thing, Y’all