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Rick Santorum Now Coming for Your Porn

Know it when I see itIt seems that Rick Santorum has found time in his busy schedule of condemning “radical” women for working outside the home and using birth control, and nagging English-speaking Puerto Ricans to speak English, and now is turning his hot, penetrating gaze to manfolk-bizness. Yup. Ol’ Smegma Lips is now coming for your porn.
From RickSantorum.com:

Current federal “obscenity” laws prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the Internet, on cable/satellite TV, on hotel/motel TV, in retail shops and through the mail or by common carrier. Rick Santorum believes that federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. “If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

The Obama Administration has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture from the scourge of pornography and has refused to enforce obscenity laws. While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration.

Soooo, all y’all are just peaches and cream with that, right bubba? Right? [RickSantorum.com]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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203 comments

      1. Tundra Grifter

        teebob2000:

        Each to his own, but wouldn't your porn be in your other hand?

        Unless you use an overlapping golf grip.

        1. SorosBot

          Once you hit play there's no real need to use your hand for the porn, unless you want to skip ahead to the good parts. But that's just a quick mouse click.

    1. Omophagist

      You gotta defend your rights through any means necessary. It's like that old poem.

      "First they came for the horse porn, and I said nothing b/c I was not into horse porn. Then they came for the milf over 40 porn, and I said nothing b/c I was not into milf over 40 porn. Then they came for white chicks/black cock porn, and I said nothing b/c I was not into white chicks/black cock porn. Then they came for my hot coed lesbian scissoring porn, and there was no one left to speak for me."

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        As long as they don't come for the midget porn. We have to stick to midget porn at work because it uses only half the bandwidth.

    2. redarmyzombie

      Dear Mr. Frothy,

      The only way you'll be getting my porn is if you pry it from my cold, wet hands!

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Ed Meese is on the way. He's faster than a speeding face shot, more powerful than a train line…

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Oh, c'mon! Meese? Attorney General? Anti-porn?

      Does Wonkette have an old folks version kind of like the kids have their "mobile" version?

      1. UW8316154

        Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

        I hated Meese in the 80's. That makes me an Old, doesn't it?

      2. SorosBot

        Well some of us old folk know who Meese and other Reagan era officials were because we read Bloom County when we were kids.

        1. Grief_Lessons

          And MAD Magazine. I didn't know much about Caspar Weinberger's politics, but i knew he had a funny name.

      3. Chichikovovich

        Listen, whippersnapper – I'll have you know that Ed Meese went after porn as hard as Thomas Dewey went after New York crime syndicates.

      1. ChernobylSoup

        But Ashcroft didn't have a whole anti-porn commission named after him! See, Edwin Meese III was from…

        Ah, forget it.

  2. arduinohacker

    Funny, but the bible-belt states seem to be the ones with the HUGE and very busy porn superstores.

    Just sayin'

    1. proudgrampa

      The biggest consumers of online adult entertainment live in Utah. An average of 5.47 people per 1000 broadband subscribers pay for porn here.

      Utah is also the state with the highest rate of anti-depression drug use in the country.

      I love the smell of cognitive dissonance in the morning.

      1. FROTHY

        Back when I was working on domestic violence/child abuse issues, Utah was also the state with the highest incidence of both.

  3. FNMA

    This "campaign" is some kind of weird performance art thing, like an Andy Kauffman kind of thing, isn't it?
    I mean, what's next? Bringing back the 18th Amendment?

    1. Grief_Lessons

      At some point Santorum is going to rip off his face and sweater vest, like the villain at the end of a Scooby-Doo episode, and reveal that he's been Andy Kauffman all along.

      At least we can dream.

    1. Chichikovovich

      But all they found were bank-friendly centrist Democrats that Fox news called "communists".

    2. Gleem McShineys

      Communist porn? So, lots of "sharing of resources" I am guessing you mean massive group sex, or bukkake?

      Also that would be on the communists.

  4. DaRooster

    "…federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced."

    I just got done vigorously enforcing my own obscenity …

    (laws)

    1. Judith_Priest

      I think Bush's DOJ took away your online poker.

      My spouse is an Online Poker Addict who misses it terribly. I just checked with him.
      Yeah. That happened under Bush's watch.

    1. Judith_Priest

      If you can't spell "masturbation", you shouldn't be allowed to do it!

      Just remember: "Masturbation! It's all about … u!" ;->

  5. SorosBot

    "While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration. "

    Huh? This doesn't even make sense. Porn has nothing to do with children or families; getting rid of it will just hurt everyone who needs help getting off. Seriously, what the fuck does this even mean?

    1. freakishlywrong

      It means sex is only for pro-creation. Any thing else and RICK SANTORUM DOES NOT APPROVE.

      1. reasonbran

        I thought pro-creation was when you have sex with a pro. Like, you know, any woman who uses birth control.

      1. SorosBot

        And he is a Catholic himself, who gave Jerry Sandusky an award for his work with children – hmmm…

    2. HarryButtle

      He gets to say "Obama" and "porn" and "children" in the same sentence…SCARY BLAH MAN WANTS TO PUT YOUR CHILDREN IN PORN!

    3. LemonySnicket

      I work in a porn store. (seriously.) My children and family depend on my paycheck.

      Why does Santorum hate my kids?

  6. memzilla

    You can have my porn when you pry my cold dead hands off of… er… well, you should probably bring some disinfectant and rubber gloves. And tongs.

  7. chicken_thief

    While the Attorney General will spearhead the prosecutions, Rick himself will preview all the gay *porn* to evaluate it for any social redeeming content. With an assist from Marcus.

  8. forgracie

    Bring it Ricky. Please GOP, nominate this man so we can FINALLY have this debate–hard right evangelical fer ya or secular, reasonable governance from Obama. We'll pick up one may be two Supremes after Barry wipes the floor with Ricky and the kids have another good cry on election night.

    1. reasonbran

      "Wiping the floor with Santorum" does not sound like a good idea. Well, not a sanitary one, anyway.

      forgracie, you sure dragged this one up the Kink Ladder.

      For sure, any video displaying it would certainly be rooted out by a Ricky DoJ. And not just for the personal embarrassment.

  9. Serolf_Divad

    Let's face it: successfully banning porn in this country would probably cause an economic collapse of such magnitude that it would have us referring to the Great Depression as the "good ol' days."

    But good luck with it, anyway, Rickkie…

  10. Mumbletypeg

    "…will appoint an Attorney general to do so."

    Bachmann will be first in line, Ricky. It's well known Shel1y's harbored this desire to be a P0rn Czar one day.

        1. FROTHY

          Nah. That would absolve him of responsibility for being an unmitigated asshole. Mentally ill people do horrible, stupid, fucked-up shit because they're ill and can't help themselves. This asshole does horrible, stupid, fucked-up shit because he's an asshole.

  11. FakaktaSouth

    Once again – a thing I wish were true – how cool would the Obama Seal of Approval on your porn be for real? I mean, hey, if it's good enough for Barack and Michelle, it's good enough for me.

  12. twoeightnine

    Imagine the sick, filthy porn this guy has on his computer that runs Windows 95. Probably some woman on top and if he's feeling really kinky, some doggy style.

    1. sewollef

      OK, so the Windows 95 is the kinky part, which part is the doggy style? Is that like dancehall style or straight-up dub?

  13. Baconzgood

    You know, I gotta hand it to his wife. Could you imagine living with such a fucking douche bag prude? I mean she LIVES with this dude ALL the time! How she doesn't poision him or crush his skull while he sleeps…The woman is a saint.

    1. HempDogbane

      Especially in light of this from the Daily Mail article earlier this year:
      The wife of fiercely pro-life presidential hopeful Rick Santorum had a six-year love affair with an abortion doctor, 40 years her senior – who, incredibly, delivered her as a baby – it has emerged.
      Karen Santorum, 51, who, like her husband, opposes abortion even in cases of rape and doesn't believe in using birth control, lived with Pittsburgh abortion pioneer Dr Thomas E. Allen for most of her 20s in the 1980s.
      When she met Dr Allen, Mrs Santorum, who then went by the name Karen Garver, was a 22-year-old nursing student who shared his liberal views on abortion and enjoyed life as the younger lover of the 63-year-old divorcee and man-about-town, according to friends."

      Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087812/R

  14. hagajim

    I was all for (not really) the misogyny and the general treatment of the wimmin folk as second class citizens (does anyone know why they're allowed to vote?)….but I think Rick just lost my vote with this Santorum.

  15. FJL

    I'm sure this has Callista in a swoon and clutching her pearl necklaces. Noot will be doubling down over this one.

    1. sewollef

      Is she cute still… I'd volunteer to clutch her pearls?

      I've never heard them called that, but y'know, Whatevs right?

    1. sewollef

      Funny you should say that, JZ… as it's upcoming in the New York legislature — HR69. Proposed by Al Sharpton and Eliot Spitzer.

  16. Terry

    "While the Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families, that will change under a Santorum Administration."

    Have you noticed when the GOP'ers make these kinds of statements about the Obama Administration that they never seem to list specific examples?

  17. Eve8Apples

    Rick's next political speech will chastise Obama for filling out a March Madness bracket and encouraging sinful gambling.

    The GOP is truly delusional if it believes people will go to the polls in November and vote for a federal government that will take prohibit their contraception, porn and all their sinful thoughts or acts whatsoever.

    1. FROTHY

      So, like … you're saying that an anal probe doesn't qualify for Second Amendment protection? What if it fired, uh, bullets?

  18. LiveToServeYa

    Inevitable, as is his promise to crusade against sex shops, massage parlors, and Mother Jones.

  19. UW8316154

    Two words to strike fear and loathing in our hearts: "Santorum Administration".

    Think about it.

  20. chascates

    But will he save America from the devil music of jazz and rock-and-roll? Bring back Blue Law's that keep people out of malls on Sundays and force them back into churches? What about the scourge of profanity and naked women in movies?

  21. Redhead

    This is a joke, right? Someone, somewhere (Orly Taint?), is paying these candidates to do and say these things, to see how far they get and still have people going along with it, right?

    1. LesBontemps

      I dunno. Sasha Baron Cohen got a whole bar full of people to sing along with "Throw the Jew Down the Well."

  22. mrpuma2u

    The scary thing about this would be what ISN'T porn to a zealot freak like Frothy Ricky? Heck the survivor shows would probably constitute obscene material to this doofus.

    Thankfully this dope stands no chance in the ring with Barry.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Why do I envision a debate in which, after a few minutes of exchange, Ricky begins to melt into a little pool of santorum….?

  23. Doktor StrangeZoom

    We need an anti-porn AG. Someone like John Ashcroft, who'll take decisive action, like covering up those naked statues in the DoJ again.

    Or maybe we need a strong anti-porn AG like Ed Meese, whose commission on the dangerous effects of pornography couldn't actually find any, so it just made shit up.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Say whatever you want about Meese. But he was pretty good about looking the other way regarding giving Iranian terrorists weapons, funding death squads in Central America, and other petty, trivial issues.

  24. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I want to watch the reaction if Santorum promises to crack down on rentboys.

    Yes, I said rentboys, Santorum, and crack. What of it?

  25. Studebaker Hawk

    Finally–a candidate who promises to pursue criminal actions against the bankers (albeit spank bankers). I just hope the charges stick.

  26. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Yes. And to the Christian Taliban, that's pretty much an accurate description of our sad, fallen, demon-ridden nation. WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!!!!

  27. Native_of_SL_UT

    After Porn is banned, the internet will have only one website left.
    BringBackThePorn.com

  28. Tundra Grifter

    The phrasing "hardcore (obscene) pornography" is amusing. Like there's hardcore that isn't? Or porn that isn't both hardcore and obscene?

    Just how much study has Li'l Ricky given all this?

    Meanwhile, today we are all turning Japanese.

    Perhaps for the last time…

  29. James Michael Curley

    I hear that is the title of the next J K Rowlings book, "Hairy Palms and the Unlocked Bathroom Door."

  30. prommie

    But what about the economy, and the jerbs? Why, without vice, how many people would be out of work? The flyover red states host a huge and, to us urbane coasters, little-known industry, the truckstop-prostitution-strip-pornatoria. Where did Larry Flynt make his millions with his string of strip-clubs? It wasn't on the coasts. There are no strip clubs in New Jersey, the law prohibits nudity in places where alcohol is served, the best you can do is bikinis and lingerie. In the moral, bible-and-gun-clutchin south and middle of this country, you have gigantic strip club-meth-whorehouses along the highway truck routes. The hypocracy is rank among the goatfuckers, they have a worse problem with vice than the liberals, yet they blame us for their kinks.

  31. Deportably_Jose

    I don't understand the whole fixation on idea that the mere existance of the legal, adult sorts of porn is somehow dangerous to children. Why, I even encountered random porn at the relatively young age -given that it was still marginally pre-internet- of around 10 years, and I turned out perfectly… oh, wait. Right. Liberal.

  32. neiltheblaze

    Well, he just lost the white, male Republican vote. Is there anyone left to alienate now?

  33. Callyson

    If you outlaw all the porn, won't that make all the porn readers outlaws? When our prisons are already overcrowded?
    Tell me again how you're going to cut that deficit, Sick Rantorum…?

    1. SorosBot

      When porn is outlawed, only outlaws will have porn!

      So in other words the entire country will be outlaws.

    2. mavenmaven

      Outlaw porn, that's when the guy with the motorbike and the bandana and the girl with the tattoos…

  34. Manhattan123

    I need to meet with Sasha Grey so we can come up with an effective counterargument to this madness. Sasha, call me.

  35. smoothmineral

    Dear Lord Jesus, please let him win the nomination and run on getting rid of all reasonable methods of obtaining hardcore porn.

  36. Failed_2_Menace

    I expect the powerful lobby of the National Crotch Rifle Association will put an end to this talk toot sweet.

  37. MissTaken

    I'm looking forward to hanging out at the local porn prohibition-era speakeasy. I suppose it will be known as the spankeasy.

  38. UnionAgitator

    On the one hand . . .

    ha ha ha

    Get it??

    Seriously, on the one hand porn merchants would love a massive fedgov crackdown (ha ha) on FREE PORN.

    On the other hand, there is basically no actual obscenity as defined by fedgov (chicken fucking and pooping in the mouth) on the internets.

    1. DahBoner

      Why back in the day, there was no such thing as "free porn".

      A man had to work long and hard to get his porn…

  39. a_pink_poodle

    NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!

    I will not sacrifice the porn. We've made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They attack our video games and we fall back. They give more power to corporations and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn HERE! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER!

    And I will make them PAAAAAY for what they've done!

  40. DahBoner

    The idea of a Porno Attorney General spending Taxpayer $$$$ lookin' at porn all day is certainly obscene!

    From your smegma lips to uh…God's "ears" or something…

  41. owhatever

    Keep diggin' your hole, Ricky. I'm for you a million percent. Let's get you the nomination and have this fuckin' theological culture war fight once and for all. Suggest you attack the missionary position next.

  42. OneYieldRegular

    Maybe they could just cover up the naughty bits with rectangles that read "Santorum."

  43. Gleem McShineys

    Maybe this has already happened, and is the main reason behind Rick's sudden Anti-Porn movement? To prevent the video from being distributed.

    IT ALL ADDS UP

  44. MadBrahms

    And for the first time, Rick Santorum and Andrea Dworkin found themselves on the same team.

    Bonus points for using the word "scourge", which sounds like something you'd hear in The Sinister Urge.

  45. Huevos Ocupados

    When Sharia Law comes to America it will be wearing a sweater vest and carrying a fetus in a jar…

  46. scarface99

    go ahead frothy, outlaw masturbation!!! remember father guido sarducci came up $.35 short!

  47. plinthic

    Right, 'cuz nobody is coming up to you and asking you to save their porn, you figure nobody wants it. Such a dipshit.

  48. FROTHY

    It's beginning to sound like Richard "Dick" Santorum got paid a buncha money by RMONEY to lose this election. He's already pissed off Blahs, Catholics, wimminz, Poorz, Oldz, Mor(m)ons, Boricuas specifically and Latinos in general, atheists, Democrats, LGBTQ, and the sane. So, DICK, now it's the PornWatchersOfAmerica? I got news for you, dumbass — that would be the superset of all of the aforementioned. Have fun on your way down to oblivion, acushla. If there really IS a god, three out of your seven children will decide to come out as LGBTQ, two others will run off to join some foreign cult that espouses nude dancing and public sex, and one of the remaining two will write a horrendous "tell-all" memoir that you will spend every cent you ever made attempting to suppress — unsuccessfully, of course.

  49. Swampgas_Man

    No, no — you sit on yer hand until it loses feeling, and then it's called "The Stranger."

  50. FieryLocks

    Go ahead Mr. Ass Ooze…you'll just really piss off the majority of the republican, Bible belt livin' base since they download and purchase more porn than anyone anywhere else in the US.

  51. justjames13

    Porn is like alcohal,it's needed to releave stress and other things that keep most in line.If sex toys and porn became illeagal,that boy could get hurt by some one that is unable to get a girl friend to satisfy thier sexual desires. it would be worse than probate,garinteed!

  52. MonkeyBiz

    Rick Santorum can have my porn when he pries it from my surprisingly well moisturized hands.

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