STAR SPANGLISH BANNER  4:51 pm March 14, 2012

Rick Santorum Tells English-Speaking Puerto Ricans, Who Speak English, to Speak English

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Great White HypeRick Santorum took a break from his usual speaking style, “in tongues,” to tell English-speaking Puerto Ricans, who speak English, that if they want statehood, they must speak English. It’s no “language of the ghetto,” but it’ll do, Pig. It’ll do. Added bonus? The GOP race’s “real conservative” has no idea what either federal law or the Constitution say on the matter (nothing), surprise, but that does not stop him from grandly spewing poo from his mouth to please the base, because Mexicans.

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

First of all, Rick, everyone knows Hawaii is not a state nor even part of America. If it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen! What else you got, Reuters?

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Right. So there’s that too.

[Reuters]

 

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{ 195 comments }

DrunkIrishman March 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And to be a part of his campaign, you've got to learn to speak douche.

Baconzgood March 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

It's easy. Just think of somthing you shouldn't say, then 10X worse, then 10X worse, then say it with a microphone in front of you.

kissawookiee March 14, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Preferably with a parish-priest-grip on the microphone, if you know what I mean.

Veritas78 March 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm

"Spew douche," is the correct usage in this case, I believe.

redarmyzombie March 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Douche or santorum.

Oh, wait…

Chillatte March 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Luckily "Santorum" means the same thing in every language.

vodkamuppet March 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Isn't it Latin for "asshole" too?

Veritas78 March 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

And it, too, can be spewed. Or dribbled. But not like a basketball. English is hard like that, which is why all of those lazy Ricans seem to know it.

BornInATrailer March 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

"Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

-Frank Drebin

miss_grundy March 14, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Pendejo. Hijo de puta. Comemierda. Cabron.

Do you mean those words.

Come here a minute March 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for any territory wishing to become a state. I'm looking at you, DC!

DCBloom March 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm

You talkin to me?

UW8316154 March 14, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Alaska has more than 20 native languages, and not one of them is Merkin. Why does Jesus hate Alaska?

JGambolputty March 15, 2012 at 5:14 am

Jesus spoke English?
There was an "English" in Jesus time?

PuckStopsHere March 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

This is odd. Everything this guy says is Greek to me.

Nostrildamus March 14, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Greeks were into santorum when Rick's ancestors were still painting themselves blue.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 14, 2012 at 6:40 pm

And I'll bet they had a word for it, too.
"Santorum" (second declension, pl. "santora") is obviously Latin, so it should be well understood in Latin America.

FROTHY March 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm

In all fairness, Santorum IS usually the result of Greek.

MissTaken March 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Can they speak Rico Suave?

HempDogbane March 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

In that pic Rick looks like he has just taken the most satisfying dump in world history.

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 6:09 pm

In his pants.

Neoyorquino March 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

he's anticipating taking a huge dump on the Bill of Rights.

Sparky McGruff March 14, 2012 at 10:10 pm

What a coincidence. Every time I hear him speak, it seems like there's a strong odor of shit in the air.

prommie March 15, 2012 at 10:16 am

Nothing like a huge, enormous, bowl-filling dump to make a man look smug, is there?

UnholyMoses March 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

So Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

nounverb911 March 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm tired of Santorum already, can we have Rick Perry back? I'll even settle for Bachmann or Cain.

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

or Pali– HAHAHAHAHA, sorry… I couldn't even finish typing.

Generation[redacted] March 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

How about that nice old man from the HBO Game Change movie the other night?

Terry March 14, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Don't even joke about that. The last time he ran, he and his pals created Frankenpalin. He doesn't get another chance.

CommieLibunatic March 14, 2012 at 5:37 pm

No, you won't. After a week of those morons, you'll want to (and I borrow the phrase from Patton Oswalt) stab your eyes out with your own dick, which you've cut off and shellacked for use as a letter opener.

OkieDokieDog March 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It's a pity that they didn't just beat the living crap out of him. In English of course.

anniegetyerfun March 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Sorry to always post stuff from communist NPR, guys, but it's the only news that I can tolerate.

This is Luis Fortuno, Puerto Rico's governor:

"Let me tell you," he says, sternly. "We polled this issue. Over 90 percent of parents in Puerto Rico want their children to be totally fluent in English. That's not an issue. For me, it's a states' rights issue. I resent Washington telling states, or the residents of those states, what to do and what to think.

"I am making sure, as the governor of a territory, that our kids speak fluent English," he says. "But having said that, I will tell my wife I love her in Spanish, and I will pray in Spanish, and no one from Washington should come down here and tell us how to go about it."

What's that, Conservatives? You suddenly don't believe in state's rights?

OneDollarJuana March 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Hey, amigo, Santorum is very interested in how you love your wife and how you pray, so watch it, buddy!

Toomush_Infer March 14, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"And I will pray that we don't have no more fuckin' kids with this goddam rhythm method. Us Peuerto Ricans already got too much rhythm…."

Biel_ze_Bubba March 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Luis Fortuno for president!!!

Doktor StrangeZoom March 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Haha, he thinks God listens to prayers in Spanish!

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:37 am

Oh, and just for good measure, Fortuno is a Republican.

anniegetyerfun March 15, 2012 at 9:54 am

I know. That's why I linked to the story. He's a Republican who actually has the values that Republicans always pretend to have. Cutting budgets, family values, states' rights…

tihond March 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Do they speak english in What?

nounverb911 March 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

What's on second.

gullywompr March 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Que?

Baconzgood March 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yeah Canada has 2 national languages and Belgium has like 4….looked how fucked they are there.

metamarcisf March 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

But then, have you ever rented a car in Montreal?

montreal_bruin March 14, 2012 at 5:37 pm

In 5+ years up here, all I've ever needed are the French translations for:
"I do not understand French;" "I do not speak French" and "What the fuck?" to get through the day.

metamarcisf March 14, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Last time I was there, the phrase "bomb scare in the subway" would have been nice to know.

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I went to Quebec with my friend when she had her gender reassignment surgery, and I found it to be absolutely enchanting. I'd move to Montreal in a second if I thought Canada would accept me. The only French I used the whole time was "please", "thank you", "I don't speak French. Do you speak English?" and "excuse me" The people were absolutely lovely, except for the time I forgot I wasn't in Boston, and ran across the street in the middle of the block. Then a guy call me an "eeedioot", but I deserved it. Even the COPS were polite. And don't get me started on the sexy boys and girls!

montreal_bruin March 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

It really is a paradise here. Compared to Boston, the winters and the rents are even bearable. The vibe is great, and my new friends, professors and classmates are like the United Nations.

poorgradstudent March 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

India has somewhere around 25 recognized languages, which would melt Santorum's mind like, well, santorum in the hot sun.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

And look at what a mess it's made of Switzerland! Totally backwards and disorganized, thanks to all them furrin' languages and not enough Jeebus.

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 7:38 pm

The hubby is fluent in 3 languages and still has a rusty grasp of a fourth and fifth. Guess that makes him some sort of Anti-American Anti-Christian French Italian, part Germanish & Spanish terroristic Commie Nazi. Or something.

anniegetyerfun March 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that Rick is unaware of what federal laws really say.

Rotundo_ March 14, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Who could have guessed Rick was ignorant, misguided and racist? Heavens, next thing you know someone will be telling me he is a sexist homophobic jerk with no real convictions (only because he hasn't been charged).

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Rick, I agree with you. Start with Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and Kentucky. And I want you to rain Bible-Approved™ Torture on every goddamn person who does not pass a basic proficiency of at least 80% correctedness in English.

You may think you have balls by going to Puerto Rico to scream "English only!", but education begins at home, asshole.

AutomaticPilot March 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I would like to upfist that a brazilion times!

swordfis March 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm

stop makin fun ov or edumacation!

Veritas78 March 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Clearly, you took a Rosetta Stone course, because I actually understood you, unlike the grunts emited by the mouth-breathing sister-fuckers from states that Santorum and Gingrich won.

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Also, what sort of language does Santorum speak? I know it sounds like English but half the time I don't understand what the hell he's saying.

sarah_connor March 15, 2012 at 11:43 am

WORD! I had a summer job in college grading Engligh proficiency tests from 8th graders in S. Cackelackey and Messippi. The horror.

ph7 March 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I like to be in Santorum's America!
Gay not O.K. in Santorum's America!
Ev'rything free for Christians in Santorum's America
Except for contraception in Santorum's America!

Chet Kincaid March 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm

There is no sense of rhythm in your parody, but maybe that is your point.

swordfis March 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm

San-TO-rum,
I just met a jerk named San-TO-rum!
And anyone can see
That he don't know his his-to-ry!
San-to-rum,
Say it loud, and it's bigots praying,
Say it soft, it's crusaders slaying, …
San-TO-rum….

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Please, Officer Krupke, SHOOT me!

Generation[redacted] March 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

57 states! (and they all have to speak elvish)

comrad_darkness March 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Or Klingon

WhatTheHeck March 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Ricardo, wha choo talkin bout, mang?

nounverb911 March 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Didn't Rick learn anything at that snob school he went to?

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 7:07 pm

No, ne, nal, nyet, ohi, non, nein, nae, nej, tsis, nahia, nahin, kao, maidai, hapana. Or something Santorum certainly SHOULD understand: nullus (the Latin used in the Vatican).

Dudleydidwrong March 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hey, Rick. If you don't know what you're talking about, just shut the fuck up! That'll shut you up 110% of the time, you anal ooze.

prommie March 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

"en el culo, por favor"

mrblifil March 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I imagine he knows enough kitchen Spanish to get through an evening of the GF experience with a tranny or two.

YasserArraFeck March 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I see Rick's showing off his patented 'Anti-Fapping Apparatus" – good job Pat Robertson gave Missus Frothy permission to have at it.

Callyson March 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Ricky, eres un perdedor y nunca va a vencer a Barack Obama. Ja, ja, ja!

ManchuCandidate March 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Chingas tu madre, Santorum.

prommie March 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Anyone ever hear Louis CK's rant on how Americans don't have real problems, Americans live such lucky, easy lives, compared to most people on earth, that they don't know what a real problem is, so they have to make up fake "white people problems" to bitch about? The example he gives of a totally fucked up, stupid, retabled "white person's problem" is "Goddammit, why do I have to choose "English" at the ATM? Anngghhh, unngghhh, I shouldn't have to hit a button, fucking foreigners, unngghhh."

Deportably_Jose March 14, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Right, but Louis CK's a Messkin himself, so he's probably just making excuses for not learning to speak English like an American.

DemmeFatale March 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Yeah, and WTF is with that "press 1 for English crap!1!!"

elviouslyqueer March 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Wait. I thought Creamcup was only fluent in Assholeese.

littlebigdaddy March 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Lootzie, you got some 'splaining to do!

ChernobylSoup March 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Figured a papist like him would demand Latin.

Maman March 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I prefer the term "baby eating papist"

BTWBFDIMHO March 15, 2012 at 12:38 am

Ego puto in Santorum meo.

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:41 am

'Cause Vatican Dos was too damned liberal. lol

metamarcisf March 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

If this guy would just shut his mouth for a week, he'd have the nomination in the bag. But then, HE'D have to be in the bag, so…

GOPCrusher March 14, 2012 at 5:43 pm

At this point, I honestly believe that he knows he doesn't stand a chance of being elected or even nominated, and has decided to go completely off the reservation and say the most insane shit that rolls around in his skull.
At the end of the day, he goes back to his hotel room and laughs his ass off while drinking whiskey, watching hotel porn, and jacking off.

LesBontemps March 14, 2012 at 5:55 pm

He knows a Fox News contract is waiting for him when he "suspends" his campaign.

UnionAgitator March 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

At minimum: Know all the lyrics in West Side Story.

Buying on credit is so nice.
One look at us and they charge twice.

Guppy March 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

He feels pretty.
Oh so pretty.

SoBeach March 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I smell a groundswell of support from the Hispanic community that's going to rival the groundswell of support Rick got from women after telling them they need to bear any rape-fruit God sends their way.

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Exactly! And the Blahs too. These people are so fucking stupid that they're completely screwing themselves out of a political future when the inevitable toppling of whites a a majority in this country arrives, just to score a few cheap points with teabaggers now. What are they so scared of?

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:42 am

And the groundswell of support Rick got from Catholics when he told America that JFK's speech on the seperation of church and state made him want to hurl. Literally.

wolvenwood13 March 15, 2012 at 6:37 pm

No wonder he's campaigning in Puerto Rico, where most people are Catholic; this way, he can get a twofer for every insult he hurls, both with HIspanics and Catholics. Nice work, Rick, you'll go far!

prommie March 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Whats amazing, or, no, maybe its not amazing, maybe its scary, is that he won Alabama and Mississippi with this shit, and no birth control, and outlaw teleprompters.

spareme March 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

31% of registered voters showed up to vote yesterday in both primaries. 69% of them stayed the hell home. Most of those were democrats, mainly because Obama is running unopposed. And there was no one else outside of a couple of judges running for anything.

spareme March 14, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I hit to button too fast – there were also alot of republicans that did not vote, saying the choices were just too shitty.

Gleem McShineys March 14, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Rick Santorum, according to the Missibama-ites: "This guy is just the right amount of shitty"

GOPCrusher March 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Well, they do lead in the "English only" movement. Too bad they have such a difficult time grasping the language themselves.

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Taht thieve stoled my white kasuls!

UW8316154 March 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm

White Castle fries only come in one size!

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 6:41 pm

…except for self-referential winners' speeches, like he gave in Louisiana last night… with a teleprompter.

spareme March 14, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Loved that. He was speaking to his "win?" in Alabama, from LA. I am guessing that went over like a crap coated rock with the voting mass here in Bama.l They deserve each other.

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:44 am

If you'd told me that Alabama and Mississippi would choose a Catholic six mont ago I'd call you crazy. Then again, that's all you get when you have to choose between a Mormon, two Papists, and a Muslamic blahgger.

Sassomatic March 14, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Also, you cam still be a bunch of browns, because I guess you can't do much about that, but you have to stop praying to Mecca.

MarionNYNY March 14, 2012 at 5:09 pm

"However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state." Rick wasn't talking about that constitution. He was talking about the real one handed down to the Holy Founding Fathers by Jeebus.

emmelemm March 14, 2012 at 5:13 pm

The Constitution was really based on the Ten Commandments, dontcha know?

Toomush_Infer March 14, 2012 at 6:09 pm

the Merican Jesus….

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

He helped build the President's estate.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Or the one you can download from RedState.

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:45 am

Wait, the Constitution was originally written in Aramaic?

MarionNYNY March 15, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Does Santorum's belief in the holiness of the constitution and the choseness of the American people above all others as pleasing in the sight of God, make him a secret Mormon? (Not that there's anything wrong with that…)

SorosBot March 14, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Wait, how did Louisiana become a state back when it was still Francophone then?

GOPCrusher March 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Cajun is English?

Guppy March 14, 2012 at 5:55 pm

They're white.

OneYieldRegular March 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Sarah Palin became governor of a state, and she doesn't speak English, so there's that.

WhatTheHeck March 14, 2012 at 5:22 pm

But, but, she’s white and that speaks volumes in any language. including the one she speaks.

LesBontemps March 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

She is fluent in Gibberish, the lingua franca of teabaggers nationwide.

MosesInvests March 14, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Authentic Frontier Gibberish! (The President is a ni-CLANG!)

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:46 am

Particularly th Alaskan dialect of AFG.

OneDollarJuana March 14, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Look, Ricko, I just went to "Bible Gateway" and there's over 100 different languages and versions of the goddamned book. Clearly even the Baby Jeebus doesn't have a preference for any one language, why should you?

Deportably_Jose March 14, 2012 at 5:50 pm

To be fair, Rick's probably the sort of guy who thinks everything started going wrong the second they started printing that book in languages other than Latin. In 1440.

Jesus christ I intended that as a joke, but then I remembered that he really does want to re-litigate the fucking Crusades and thinks that mainline Protestantism is the Church of Satan, so it's pretty much a goddamn guarantee that that's exactly what he thinks.

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

is it wrong to get a stiffie when I hear "the goddamned book", and know they're referencing the bible?

Gleem McShineys March 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

He sure knows how to leak obnoxiousness all over the place.

In Spanish, how does one say "dribblin' doodie-chute"

Toomush_Infer March 14, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I think it's pronounced santorum…

Gleem McShineys March 14, 2012 at 7:22 pm

HOLA? ESPEAKA ENGLISH? Is, um… QUIERO EL SANTORUM-O EL SPEECHING-O?

miss_grundy March 14, 2012 at 10:56 pm

You would say comemierda, or pendejo. Both those words mean fool, but my favorite is estupido comemierda, which means stupid fool.

OneYieldRegular March 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

What's Spanish for "Casse-toi, pov' con"? Also.

doloras March 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Chingate, pobre culo

lochnessmonster March 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

So is he going to kick out all the southern states for speaking Southern y'all?

Sassomatic March 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Okay, I get why we can't make people take tests on basic civics to vote, sort of. But why in Bloody Hell is there no such test for people who want to run the motherfucking country for Christ's sake? You have to take a test in this country to drive a Corolla around, but not to drive the whole fucking country? What?

Biel_ze_Bubba March 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Kinda like how you need a license to own a freaking dog, but you can keep popping out all the inbred, home-skooled idjuts you want to.

pinkocommi March 14, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I appreciate Santorum's racist, xenophoboic words all the more because I know they were not read off a teleprompter, but rather were straight from his shrivelled heart.

BklynIlluminati March 14, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Mames a me verga hijo de puta. How that Spanish for you Santorum?

Steverino247 March 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

"There's the right way, the wrong way, and the pinche guey."

Santorum is definitely a pinche guey.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 14, 2012 at 6:57 pm

See? I told you it worked!

Steverino247 March 14, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Thanks, bro!

owhatever March 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Wait jes' a dang minnit, here. Is he offering Porto Ricko statehood? England speaks a sorta kinda English, and they ain't no state (are it?). Cheese Grits!

Maman March 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Remember you Puerto Ricans, you can't be important to Ricky unless you gringo up. (in all fairness, GOP candidates aren't clever enough to learn how to lie to you in your own language).

poorgradstudent March 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

He's trying to piss off the Puerto Ricans now? Is the mob or somebody betting that he can say something ignorant and offensive about every single group in the United States during his campaign?

Eve8Apples March 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Republicans never do well in math which is why they don't like the Census. The GOP always miscounts the number of white, Evangelical Christian, racist, misogynist males and concluded that they only need their votes to win the election.

Veritas78 March 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Ssssh!! We bought him off, too! This is Level Seven of Barry's Big Game.

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I know I'm repeating myself but I have never seen a crop of candidates who seem determined to pander to smallest demographic possible because they think it will get them the nomination and will lead to their election as President.
I mean, at least W used all that "big tent" bs rhetoric to get as many delegates/votes as possible.

BornInATrailer March 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Fucking Sea Mexicans, what language do they speak again?

Eve8Apples March 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I heard the Sea Mexicans have a new album coming out. They're my favorite band.

emmelemm March 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Do you put them in water and watch them grow?

qwerty42 March 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.
Probably a bunch of libruls were behind this, not real americans!

Eve8Apples March 14, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I call poppycock. We let Alabama and Mississippi call themselves states, and they only speak redneck inbred drawl.

And we can't forget Sarah Palin. The GOP gave Sarah Palin the #2 spot on the GOP Presidential ticket, and she has never spoken English a day in her life.

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Best part? She really doesn't have to say "Fuck me!" at all. These people just envision her saying it, while they undress her with their eyes. So, why learn the language at all?

mavenmaven March 14, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Those Puerto Ricans and their sharia law!

Pragmatist2 March 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

This is true: if you go into Federal Court in San Juan you will see a native Spanish-speaking witness testify in Spanish to a judge, jury and lawyers- all of whom are native Spanish speakers AND that witnesses words will be translated in to English at great cost in time and money to these same people who all already understood what was being said.
Only in (colonial) America!

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 7:16 pm

You libruls and yer facts.

Negropolis March 15, 2012 at 1:49 am

Bumpbed for reference and edumacation.

Deportably_Jose March 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Someone should have probably told that to Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and California. Actually, you know, is it too late to take statehood away from a few of those guys, if this was secretly the rule all along?

barto March 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

"English" is a fern language, pal. We speak Murkin here. Goddam.

anniegetyerfun March 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Has anyone ever looked less threatening in a pair of boxing gloves? You could stick those on my Pekingese, and you'd have a more terrifying opponent than that smarmy, fuckfaces fuckwad.

prommie March 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

Fuckface fuckwad, I like that, thats good, I call it "mental patient string-cursing," when you get so mad you just string random curse words and phrases together.

anniegetyerfun March 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

I apparently got so mad that I couldn't get my singular/plural correct.

Guppy March 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

What's the latest over/under on the upcoming statehood referendum, anyway?

arihaya March 14, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Will Santorum tell Aramaic Jesus to STFU and speak English?

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm

There's your problem. He doesn't believe in Aramaic Jesus. He believes in the blond Jesus.

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Blonde, Latin-speaking Jesus. Though he may accept the King's English-speaking one.

Pithaughn March 14, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Wait a minute, if we wanted a prez who knew much we would have elected a constitutional lawyer, maybe even a professor of constitutional law. Since we did't , Mz Schoenkopf, if that is your real name, also freedom and the troops.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2012 at 7:19 pm

That scarily sounds just like something Palin would Tweet.

Pithaughn March 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I don't always speak english, but when I do, I try not to talk about things I don't know about.
Least Interesting Boy in the World

Toomush_Infer March 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm

What we have here, is a Tower of Babel ….

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm

With Santorum, what we have is a short Stump of Babble.

MadBrahms March 14, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Says the articulate man who doesn't want to give money to "blah people"

randcoolcatdaddy March 14, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Are we sure Santorum isn't actually David Duke with a different wig on?

Antispandex March 14, 2012 at 6:23 pm

It's a damn good thing we didn't have these tight assed scruples when we were "aquiring" the South West from Mexico. Also…Dear Jesus, PLEASE let this guy be the Teapublican nominee. Please. Thanks, amen.

johnnyzhivago March 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I say, Ben, I think Sam Adams has a capital idea there – let's adopt French as our national language in honor of those who helped us defeat these miserable English speaking Britons.

GreatChristiano March 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Oh yeah, the old constitution thingy.

Well at least he can claim he was using his first amendment right of free speech

to talk about legislation that doesn't exist. Yet.

It's not like he lied or told un-truths or offered infelicitious statements or anything like that…

Neoyorquino March 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Espanol no es me lengua primer. Sin embargo, tengo una palabra especifica para el Senor Santorum: pendejo. (Spanish is not my first language. Nevertheless, I have a word specifically for Mr. Santorum: dumbass . . . or asshole, if you prefer. Ah, the wonder of human language – it is open to interpretation).

Loaded_Pants March 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Gotta love google translate. Not always accurate but I can usually get the gist.

deoliver47 March 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Agree but would revise that to "pendejito"

Doktor StrangeZoom March 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Only elitist snobs insist on "facts." Rick goes with what Jesus tells him in his heart to be true, which is a higher truth than mere facts on paper.

This position is entirely consistent with the notion of Constitutional originalism, which states that the original meaning of the founding document is set in stone.

Doktor StrangeZoom March 14, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Yeah, he's compensating for when he got booed at his speech in Louisiana for saying he was even GOING to Puerto Rico.

Why is he bowing to foreign potentates anyway????????????

Rotundo_ March 14, 2012 at 7:03 pm

No arroz y gandules or tostones for you (P)Ricky! No Don Q. either! Never piss off people who make the nectar of the gods (and good food to go with it!)

Gleem McShineys March 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

SANTORUMO: El Presidente Muy Grundle!

elburritodeluxe March 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

People are advised not to stop at a stoplight in PR after sundown because of the roving bands of robbers and kidnappers – so maybe mandating English isn't a top priority…

snoopyfan2010 March 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I just know this,guy will be the next president because God has a sense of humor.

valthemus March 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Oh, there you go again, Wonkette! Pissing all over our indispensable American exceptionalism, xenophobia, and Western patriarchal hegemony all at once! A hateful hat trick of un-historical lefty lies! Of course there's an official language in this country! It's American, like we were taught in English class. Which we should probably re-name "American class" except this is a classless society. Not "classless" like belching contests, but class like "middle class" to which I belong. Except there's no classes. You know what I mean. Stop looking at me! Shut up!

doloras March 14, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Did Ricky's mummy make him wear those boxing gloves to bed because playing with his pee-pee makes the baby Jesus cry?

BTWBFDIMHO March 15, 2012 at 12:45 am

Ganaste, Doloras!

imissopus March 15, 2012 at 1:55 am

Oh, I speak Spanish. ROSA! I KNOW YOU STOLE MY NECKLACE!!

ineedspellcheck March 15, 2012 at 3:02 am

is he related to palin?

neiltheblaze March 15, 2012 at 7:34 am

Republicans spend so much time with the voices in their head they forget to look shit up in the rule book.

DahBoner March 15, 2012 at 8:02 am

Isn't Santorum from Pensylvania?

They speak Dutch there, but they're like cue balls.

The harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of 'em….

prommie March 15, 2012 at 10:15 am

They speak Deutsche.

DaRooster March 15, 2012 at 10:50 am

Oooohh… that pic!! Can I get in the ring to?!?

WiscDad March 15, 2012 at 11:21 am

and the twits just keep on coming….here's an oldie but goodie…"I stand by all the misstatements I have made." – Dan Quayle

23abraxas March 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

As per the new stringent Wonkette commenting rules:

I don't not wish that Rick Santorum would die a protracted, painful, disfiguring death.

ttommyunger March 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Just read the Bible; if English was good enough for Jesus, it ought to good enough for everybody!

wolvenwood13 March 15, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I read today that Rickie is going to Puerto Rico in time for the primary being held there on Sunday…except Puerto Rico can't vote because it's not a state and they aren't U.S. citizens. Leave it to that crazy kid, Little Ricky Sanitorium, to go there to campaign. That madcap guy. No stone left unturned, eh, Ricky? Maybe someone can 'splain U.S. constitutional law to him in Spanish? Or do they speak Puerto Rican there? I'm sure Ricky thinks so.

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Are you in school up there?

montreal_bruin March 14, 2012 at 7:47 pm

49 years old and living the grad student life. At present, I consider myself the luckiest guy alive.

Baconzgood March 15, 2012 at 9:11 am

As a kid I used to go up to Montreal or Toronto for 3 months every summer for hockey camp. Montreal is awsom and Toronto is one of the coolest towns in the world. It's the Chicago of the north.

LesBontemps March 15, 2012 at 9:26 am

I always said Montreal is New York without the garbage and persistent odor of urine.

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