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Rick Santorum Tells English-Speaking Puerto Ricans, Who Speak English, to Speak English

Great White HypeRick Santorum took a break from his usual speaking style, “in tongues,” to tell English-speaking Puerto Ricans, who speak English, that if they want statehood, they must speak English. It’s no “language of the ghetto,” but it’ll do, Pig. It’ll do. Added bonus? The GOP race’s “real conservative” has no idea what either federal law or the Constitution say on the matter (nothing), surprise, but that does not stop him from grandly spewing poo from his mouth to please the base, because Mexicans.

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

First of all, Rick, everyone knows Hawaii is not a state nor even part of America. If it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen! What else you got, Reuters?

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

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Right. So there’s that too.

[Reuters]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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195 comments

    1. Baconzgood

      It's easy. Just think of somthing you shouldn't say, then 10X worse, then 10X worse, then say it with a microphone in front of you.

    1. Veritas78

      And it, too, can be spewed. Or dribbled. But not like a basketball. English is hard like that, which is why all of those lazy Ricans seem to know it.

      1. BornInATrailer

        "Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

        -Frank Drebin

  1. Come here a minute

    If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for any territory wishing to become a state. I'm looking at you, DC!

    1. UW8316154

      Alaska has more than 20 native languages, and not one of them is Merkin. Why does Jesus hate Alaska?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And I'll bet they had a word for it, too.
        "Santorum" (second declension, pl. "santora") is obviously Latin, so it should be well understood in Latin America.

  2. HempDogbane

    In that pic Rick looks like he has just taken the most satisfying dump in world history.

    1. Sparky McGruff

      What a coincidence. Every time I hear him speak, it seems like there's a strong odor of shit in the air.

  3. nounverb911

    I'm tired of Santorum already, can we have Rick Perry back? I'll even settle for Bachmann or Cain.

      1. Terry

        Don't even joke about that. The last time he ran, he and his pals created Frankenpalin. He doesn't get another chance.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      No, you won't. After a week of those morons, you'll want to (and I borrow the phrase from Patton Oswalt) stab your eyes out with your own dick, which you've cut off and shellacked for use as a letter opener.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    It's a pity that they didn't just beat the living crap out of him. In English of course.

  5. anniegetyerfun

    Sorry to always post stuff from communist NPR, guys, but it's the only news that I can tolerate.

    This is Luis Fortuno, Puerto Rico's governor:

    "Let me tell you," he says, sternly. "We polled this issue. Over 90 percent of parents in Puerto Rico want their children to be totally fluent in English. That's not an issue. For me, it's a states' rights issue. I resent Washington telling states, or the residents of those states, what to do and what to think.

    "I am making sure, as the governor of a territory, that our kids speak fluent English," he says. "But having said that, I will tell my wife I love her in Spanish, and I will pray in Spanish, and no one from Washington should come down here and tell us how to go about it."

    What's that, Conservatives? You suddenly don't believe in state's rights?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Hey, amigo, Santorum is very interested in how you love your wife and how you pray, so watch it, buddy!

    2. Toomush_Infer

      "And I will pray that we don't have no more fuckin' kids with this goddam rhythm method. Us Peuerto Ricans already got too much rhythm…."

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I know. That's why I linked to the story. He's a Republican who actually has the values that Republicans always pretend to have. Cutting budgets, family values, states' rights…

  6. Baconzgood

    Yeah Canada has 2 national languages and Belgium has like 4….looked how fucked they are there.

      1. montreal_bruin

        In 5+ years up here, all I've ever needed are the French translations for:
        "I do not understand French;" "I do not speak French" and "What the fuck?" to get through the day.

        1. metamarcisf

          Last time I was there, the phrase "bomb scare in the subway" would have been nice to know.

        2. starfanglednut

          I went to Quebec with my friend when she had her gender reassignment surgery, and I found it to be absolutely enchanting. I'd move to Montreal in a second if I thought Canada would accept me. The only French I used the whole time was "please", "thank you", "I don't speak French. Do you speak English?" and "excuse me" The people were absolutely lovely, except for the time I forgot I wasn't in Boston, and ran across the street in the middle of the block. Then a guy call me an "eeedioot", but I deserved it. Even the COPS were polite. And don't get me started on the sexy boys and girls!

          1. montreal_bruin

            It really is a paradise here. Compared to Boston, the winters and the rents are even bearable. The vibe is great, and my new friends, professors and classmates are like the United Nations.

          2. montreal_bruin

            49 years old and living the grad student life. At present, I consider myself the luckiest guy alive.

          3. Baconzgood

            As a kid I used to go up to Montreal or Toronto for 3 months every summer for hockey camp. Montreal is awsom and Toronto is one of the coolest towns in the world. It's the Chicago of the north.

    1. poorgradstudent

      India has somewhere around 25 recognized languages, which would melt Santorum's mind like, well, santorum in the hot sun.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      And look at what a mess it's made of Switzerland! Totally backwards and disorganized, thanks to all them furrin' languages and not enough Jeebus.

    3. Loaded_Pants

      The hubby is fluent in 3 languages and still has a rusty grasp of a fourth and fifth. Guess that makes him some sort of Anti-American Anti-Christian French Italian, part Germanish & Spanish terroristic Commie Nazi. Or something.

    1. Rotundo_

      Who could have guessed Rick was ignorant, misguided and racist? Heavens, next thing you know someone will be telling me he is a sexist homophobic jerk with no real convictions (only because he hasn't been charged).

  7. KeepFnThatChicken

    Rick, I agree with you. Start with Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and Kentucky. And I want you to rain Bible-Approved™ Torture on every goddamn person who does not pass a basic proficiency of at least 80% correctedness in English.

    You may think you have balls by going to Puerto Rico to scream "English only!", but education begins at home, asshole.

      1. Veritas78

        Clearly, you took a Rosetta Stone course, because I actually understood you, unlike the grunts emited by the mouth-breathing sister-fuckers from states that Santorum and Gingrich won.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Also, what sort of language does Santorum speak? I know it sounds like English but half the time I don't understand what the hell he's saying.

    2. sarah_connor

      WORD! I had a summer job in college grading Engligh proficiency tests from 8th graders in S. Cackelackey and Messippi. The horror.

  8. ph7

    I like to be in Santorum's America!
    Gay not O.K. in Santorum's America!
    Ev'rything free for Christians in Santorum's America
    Except for contraception in Santorum's America!

    1. swordfis

      San-TO-rum,
      I just met a jerk named San-TO-rum!
      And anyone can see
      That he don't know his his-to-ry!
      San-to-rum,
      Say it loud, and it's bigots praying,
      Say it soft, it's crusaders slaying, …
      San-TO-rum….

    1. Jukesgrrl

      No, ne, nal, nyet, ohi, non, nein, nae, nej, tsis, nahia, nahin, kao, maidai, hapana. Or something Santorum certainly SHOULD understand: nullus (the Latin used in the Vatican).

  9. Dudleydidwrong

    Hey, Rick. If you don't know what you're talking about, just shut the fuck up! That'll shut you up 110% of the time, you anal ooze.

  10. YasserArraFeck

    I see Rick's showing off his patented 'Anti-Fapping Apparatus" – good job Pat Robertson gave Missus Frothy permission to have at it.

  11. prommie

    Anyone ever hear Louis CK's rant on how Americans don't have real problems, Americans live such lucky, easy lives, compared to most people on earth, that they don't know what a real problem is, so they have to make up fake "white people problems" to bitch about? The example he gives of a totally fucked up, stupid, retabled "white person's problem" is "Goddammit, why do I have to choose "English" at the ATM? Anngghhh, unngghhh, I shouldn't have to hit a button, fucking foreigners, unngghhh."

  12. metamarcisf

    If this guy would just shut his mouth for a week, he'd have the nomination in the bag. But then, HE'D have to be in the bag, so…

    1. GOPCrusher

      At this point, I honestly believe that he knows he doesn't stand a chance of being elected or even nominated, and has decided to go completely off the reservation and say the most insane shit that rolls around in his skull.
      At the end of the day, he goes back to his hotel room and laughs his ass off while drinking whiskey, watching hotel porn, and jacking off.

  13. SoBeach

    I smell a groundswell of support from the Hispanic community that's going to rival the groundswell of support Rick got from women after telling them they need to bear any rape-fruit God sends their way.

    1. starfanglednut

      Exactly! And the Blahs too. These people are so fucking stupid that they're completely screwing themselves out of a political future when the inevitable toppling of whites a a majority in this country arrives, just to score a few cheap points with teabaggers now. What are they so scared of?

    2. Negropolis

      And the groundswell of support Rick got from Catholics when he told America that JFK's speech on the seperation of church and state made him want to hurl. Literally.

      1. wolvenwood13

        No wonder he's campaigning in Puerto Rico, where most people are Catholic; this way, he can get a twofer for every insult he hurls, both with HIspanics and Catholics. Nice work, Rick, you'll go far!

  14. prommie

    Whats amazing, or, no, maybe its not amazing, maybe its scary, is that he won Alabama and Mississippi with this shit, and no birth control, and outlaw teleprompters.

    1. spareme

      31% of registered voters showed up to vote yesterday in both primaries. 69% of them stayed the hell home. Most of those were democrats, mainly because Obama is running unopposed. And there was no one else outside of a couple of judges running for anything.

    2. spareme

      I hit to button too fast – there were also alot of republicans that did not vote, saying the choices were just too shitty.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Rick Santorum, according to the Missibama-ites: "This guy is just the right amount of shitty"

    3. GOPCrusher

      Well, they do lead in the "English only" movement. Too bad they have such a difficult time grasping the language themselves.

    4. KeepFnThatChicken

      …except for self-referential winners' speeches, like he gave in Louisiana last night… with a teleprompter.

      1. spareme

        Loved that. He was speaking to his "win?" in Alabama, from LA. I am guessing that went over like a crap coated rock with the voting mass here in Bama.l They deserve each other.

    5. Negropolis

      If you'd told me that Alabama and Mississippi would choose a Catholic six mont ago I'd call you crazy. Then again, that's all you get when you have to choose between a Mormon, two Papists, and a Muslamic blahgger.

  15. Sassomatic

    Also, you cam still be a bunch of browns, because I guess you can't do much about that, but you have to stop praying to Mecca.

  16. MarionNYNY

    "However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state." Rick wasn't talking about that constitution. He was talking about the real one handed down to the Holy Founding Fathers by Jeebus.

      1. MarionNYNY

        Does Santorum's belief in the holiness of the constitution and the choseness of the American people above all others as pleasing in the sight of God, make him a secret Mormon? (Not that there's anything wrong with that…)

  17. OneYieldRegular

    Sarah Palin became governor of a state, and she doesn't speak English, so there's that.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      But, but, she’s white and that speaks volumes in any language. including the one she speaks.

  18. OneDollarJuana

    Look, Ricko, I just went to "Bible Gateway" and there's over 100 different languages and versions of the goddamned book. Clearly even the Baby Jeebus doesn't have a preference for any one language, why should you?

    1. Deportably_Jose

      To be fair, Rick's probably the sort of guy who thinks everything started going wrong the second they started printing that book in languages other than Latin. In 1440.

      Jesus christ I intended that as a joke, but then I remembered that he really does want to re-litigate the fucking Crusades and thinks that mainline Protestantism is the Church of Satan, so it's pretty much a goddamn guarantee that that's exactly what he thinks.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      is it wrong to get a stiffie when I hear "the goddamned book", and know they're referencing the bible?

  19. Gleem McShineys

    He sure knows how to leak obnoxiousness all over the place.

    In Spanish, how does one say "dribblin' doodie-chute"

    1. miss_grundy

      You would say comemierda, or pendejo. Both those words mean fool, but my favorite is estupido comemierda, which means stupid fool.

  20. Sassomatic

    Okay, I get why we can't make people take tests on basic civics to vote, sort of. But why in Bloody Hell is there no such test for people who want to run the motherfucking country for Christ's sake? You have to take a test in this country to drive a Corolla around, but not to drive the whole fucking country? What?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Kinda like how you need a license to own a freaking dog, but you can keep popping out all the inbred, home-skooled idjuts you want to.

  21. pinkocommi

    I appreciate Santorum's racist, xenophoboic words all the more because I know they were not read off a teleprompter, but rather were straight from his shrivelled heart.

  22. Steverino247

    "There's the right way, the wrong way, and the pinche guey."

    Santorum is definitely a pinche guey.

  23. owhatever

    Wait jes' a dang minnit, here. Is he offering Porto Ricko statehood? England speaks a sorta kinda English, and they ain't no state (are it?). Cheese Grits!

  24. Maman

    Remember you Puerto Ricans, you can't be important to Ricky unless you gringo up. (in all fairness, GOP candidates aren't clever enough to learn how to lie to you in your own language).

  25. poorgradstudent

    He's trying to piss off the Puerto Ricans now? Is the mob or somebody betting that he can say something ignorant and offensive about every single group in the United States during his campaign?

    1. Eve8Apples

      Republicans never do well in math which is why they don't like the Census. The GOP always miscounts the number of white, Evangelical Christian, racist, misogynist males and concluded that they only need their votes to win the election.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      I know I'm repeating myself but I have never seen a crop of candidates who seem determined to pander to smallest demographic possible because they think it will get them the nomination and will lead to their election as President.
      I mean, at least W used all that "big tent" bs rhetoric to get as many delegates/votes as possible.

  26. qwerty42

    However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.
    Probably a bunch of libruls were behind this, not real americans!

  27. Eve8Apples

    I call poppycock. We let Alabama and Mississippi call themselves states, and they only speak redneck inbred drawl.

    And we can't forget Sarah Palin. The GOP gave Sarah Palin the #2 spot on the GOP Presidential ticket, and she has never spoken English a day in her life.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Best part? She really doesn't have to say "Fuck me!" at all. These people just envision her saying it, while they undress her with their eyes. So, why learn the language at all?

  28. Pragmatist2

    This is true: if you go into Federal Court in San Juan you will see a native Spanish-speaking witness testify in Spanish to a judge, jury and lawyers- all of whom are native Spanish speakers AND that witnesses words will be translated in to English at great cost in time and money to these same people who all already understood what was being said.
    Only in (colonial) America!

  29. Deportably_Jose

    Someone should have probably told that to Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and California. Actually, you know, is it too late to take statehood away from a few of those guys, if this was secretly the rule all along?

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Has anyone ever looked less threatening in a pair of boxing gloves? You could stick those on my Pekingese, and you'd have a more terrifying opponent than that smarmy, fuckfaces fuckwad.

    1. prommie

      Fuckface fuckwad, I like that, thats good, I call it "mental patient string-cursing," when you get so mad you just string random curse words and phrases together.

  31. Pithaughn

    Wait a minute, if we wanted a prez who knew much we would have elected a constitutional lawyer, maybe even a professor of constitutional law. Since we did't , Mz Schoenkopf, if that is your real name, also freedom and the troops.

  32. Pithaughn

    I don't always speak english, but when I do, I try not to talk about things I don't know about.
    Least Interesting Boy in the World

  33. Antispandex

    It's a damn good thing we didn't have these tight assed scruples when we were "aquiring" the South West from Mexico. Also…Dear Jesus, PLEASE let this guy be the Teapublican nominee. Please. Thanks, amen.

  34. johnnyzhivago

    I say, Ben, I think Sam Adams has a capital idea there – let's adopt French as our national language in honor of those who helped us defeat these miserable English speaking Britons.

  35. GreatChristiano

    Oh yeah, the old constitution thingy.

    Well at least he can claim he was using his first amendment right of free speech

    to talk about legislation that doesn't exist. Yet.

    It's not like he lied or told un-truths or offered infelicitious statements or anything like that…

  36. Neoyorquino

    Espanol no es me lengua primer. Sin embargo, tengo una palabra especifica para el Senor Santorum: pendejo. (Spanish is not my first language. Nevertheless, I have a word specifically for Mr. Santorum: dumbass . . . or asshole, if you prefer. Ah, the wonder of human language – it is open to interpretation).

  37. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Only elitist snobs insist on "facts." Rick goes with what Jesus tells him in his heart to be true, which is a higher truth than mere facts on paper.

    This position is entirely consistent with the notion of Constitutional originalism, which states that the original meaning of the founding document is set in stone.

  38. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Yeah, he's compensating for when he got booed at his speech in Louisiana for saying he was even GOING to Puerto Rico.

    Why is he bowing to foreign potentates anyway????????????

  39. Rotundo_

    No arroz y gandules or tostones for you (P)Ricky! No Don Q. either! Never piss off people who make the nectar of the gods (and good food to go with it!)

  40. elburritodeluxe

    People are advised not to stop at a stoplight in PR after sundown because of the roving bands of robbers and kidnappers – so maybe mandating English isn't a top priority…

  41. valthemus

    Oh, there you go again, Wonkette! Pissing all over our indispensable American exceptionalism, xenophobia, and Western patriarchal hegemony all at once! A hateful hat trick of un-historical lefty lies! Of course there's an official language in this country! It's American, like we were taught in English class. Which we should probably re-name "American class" except this is a classless society. Not "classless" like belching contests, but class like "middle class" to which I belong. Except there's no classes. You know what I mean. Stop looking at me! Shut up!

  42. doloras

    Did Ricky's mummy make him wear those boxing gloves to bed because playing with his pee-pee makes the baby Jesus cry?

  43. neiltheblaze

    Republicans spend so much time with the voices in their head they forget to look shit up in the rule book.

  44. DahBoner

    Isn't Santorum from Pensylvania?

    They speak Dutch there, but they're like cue balls.

    The harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of 'em….

  45. WiscDad

    and the twits just keep on coming….here's an oldie but goodie…"I stand by all the misstatements I have made." – Dan Quayle

  46. 23abraxas

    As per the new stringent Wonkette commenting rules:

    I don't not wish that Rick Santorum would die a protracted, painful, disfiguring death.

  47. ttommyunger

    Just read the Bible; if English was good enough for Jesus, it ought to good enough for everybody!

  48. wolvenwood13

    I read today that Rickie is going to Puerto Rico in time for the primary being held there on Sunday…except Puerto Rico can't vote because it's not a state and they aren't U.S. citizens. Leave it to that crazy kid, Little Ricky Sanitorium, to go there to campaign. That madcap guy. No stone left unturned, eh, Ricky? Maybe someone can 'splain U.S. constitutional law to him in Spanish? Or do they speak Puerto Rican there? I'm sure Ricky thinks so.

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