the burning bed

Mummy Evangelist Pat Robertson Okays Sodomite Sexy-Time (for Hetero Marrieds)

Belly of a whoreAw, that’s nice. Pat Robertson, who has previously assured us that abortion caused Hurricane Katrina and feminists and gays caused everything else, would like to let married straight women know God is totally chill with it if they lick, fondle, suck on, and otherwise “blow” their male husbands cocks and balls.

Everybody, please thank RightWingWatch.org for watching this travesty so we didn’t have to.

[RightWingWatch, via Wonkette operative "Charles Cates"]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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204 comments

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Evangelical fundies only give a shit about birth control insofar as it allows unmarried teenagers to fuck like rabbits in hot, steamy contradiction to scripture on fornication. "Nobody should use any form of birth control ever" is a specifically Catholic mental disorder.

      1. SorosBot

        No, they really do want to ban birth control. And that's always been a goal of the "pro-life" anti-choice movement; they just had been better at hiding it until recently, and a lot of the feminists who warned that they were after birth control and not just abortion rights where laughed when they were totally right.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Sorry, I think you're wrong on that, and as I've said before, I was raised in the thick of protestant evangelical fundamentalism. Now maybe they don't want the government to pay for it, and maybe they don't want schools to teach about it because it would encourage extra-marital sex, but it is not Christian doctrine among fundies that it's a sin for married people to use birth control. (Nor is it Mormon doctrine, actually.)

          1. Iam_Who_Iam

            Yes but that was before they realized that with the war in Iraq and the soon to be war in Iran and whatever in the hell is going on with Israel we are now without a doubt in the End Times. So now it is the responsibility of every Christian soldier Mommy and Daddy to pop out the little soldiers as quickly as possible for God’s Army. No doubt these true believers were of a smaller minority at one time but they have spread like a bad seeping pus rash on your nether region and now are seeping their pus everywhere.

  1. memzilla

    Blowjobs? Isn't this birth control? Will I have to get a prescription? Do I have to tell my employer how many I "use," so they can fire me for it?

  2. Antispandex

    "God is totally chill with it if they lick, fondle, suck on, and otherwise “blow” their male husbands cocks and balls."

    THANK YOU JESUS!

    1. Antispandex

      Well, clearly it isn't sin if you don't think it's sin…because Pat just said so. Heck, I feel fine about it. You?

          1. gullywompr

            Oh ho!! Well geez, Taken, he seems to be unawarez – maybe a little verbal feedback would let him know? Or a Scooby Snack or sumpin sumpin?

          2. actor212

            So he's not doing it wrong and the lady in question is not having orgasms?

            I think he's doing it wrong.

            Soros, I'm only going to show you one more time, K?

          3. FROTHY

            You WOULD say that. SLUT!! Bet you take birf control, too. Where's the TAPES?

            PS: Your neighbours asked if you could please hold down the late-night screamy-shouty. Too much of a good thing, in their opinion.

      1. FROTHY

        If she says "No," she means "Maybe."
        If she says "Maybe," she means "Yes."
        If she says "Yes," she ain't no lady. Which means you can just go right ahead and do the rapey-rapey dance, because, hey, only LayDEEZ can be raped. The rest of 'em are just sluts who should just video it and send the DVDs to Rush and his friends for teir enjoyment.

  3. BloviateMe

    First the weed thing, now this. I think he's looking to replace NPH on the next Harold & Kumar.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I think ol Pat has started a ride up the rails on the Dementia Train. Next week, we'll see his handlers wrestling him to the ground as he stands on stage in his underwear, screaming out "GOD IS DEAD! GOD IS DEAD!".

    2. Rotundo_

      "Hey little fella, let's spark that doob! But first a prayer: Lord, we give thanks to the bounty of Harold's converted titan missile silo and for the miracle of your hydroponics and grow lights, may you bless this buzz with the peace that surpasses our understanding Amen."

  4. dadanarchist

    Pat's just reaching out to the Papists – isn't Teh Buttsexxx Catholic birth control/priestly job perk?

    1. Gleem McShineys

      I remember a cartoonist once stating the rule that "everything is so much funnier when you put a tiny little hat on it"

      Putting "the" in front of a sex term, that is a tiny little hat.

    2. Man0nTheStreet

      Tongue-punching of the fartbox? OK only if BOTH chicks are hawt, and Pat gets to work the videocamera/sell the tape … Otherwise, it's a SIN!1!!!

  5. pinkoschminko

    But what about all the sperm/potential babies?!?! He's condoning cannibalism if he says it's OK to swallow!

  6. MissTaken

    Hey Pat! A sexy duck followed me while I walked to the subway station this morning. Is sex with ducks okay now, too? Just curious.

    1. Steverino247

      The duck was one of SorosBot's minions making sure you're safe.

      And looking up your skirt, sending him live video on an encrypted channel.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    Big Deal. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has consistently taken that positition since the dawn of time.

  8. dyedwool

    First his surprising stance on the reefer, now this. Is this Pat's version of Going Rogue?

  9. teebob2000

    Whatever the fuck they pay these Right Wing Watch people to subject themselves to endless hours of watching this inane horseshit, it's not enough.

  10. annettaj

    First Robertson says pot should be made legal and now blow jobs (and hopefully a tit for tat reversal situation) for all the marrieds. Uuuummmmmm I don't know . . . .
    Ahhh, shit— Okay.

  11. Jus_Wonderin

    Getting old sorta sucks balls. He's an example of why we really do need end of life counceling, otherwise known as Death Panels.

    On the otherhand, I just recently remodeled my basement and tore out all those dark Death Panels. Should I put them on Craigslist?

  12. coolhandnuke

    Pat, in his new pro cannabis incarnate, believes it is also okay for women to equally partake in the pleasures of THC…they can caress, fondle and suck down the bong water.

  13. Me_K_Cong

    I think Pat's psychiatrist/counselor is doing some good work. I am thinking it must be a kickass anti-psychotic like Abilify.

  14. luckismine

    Oh, shit. I can just hear my husband whining now, "Pleeeeeeze! Pat Robertson says it's OK."

    Thanks a lot, old man.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    married straight women know God is totally chill with it

    what does Pat have against wriggling around in excrement? He does it every day, in layman's terms.

  16. Not_So_Much

    Man, him holding his stank-finger in the air while talking about hummers is a real buzzkill for what the twooters are calling 'steak and blowjob day'.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm beginning to think that the Ayatollah Santorum is angling for the gig on The 700 Club, once his presidential ambitions peter out.

  17. prommie

    If God meant for chicks to be gobbling schlong, then explain to me why God gave them a gag reflex, Mr. Smarty-Pants Robertson?

    1. elfgoldsackring

      Kirk Cameron will now demonstrate proper technique with an intelligently-designed banana.

  18. Allmighty_Manos

    You are also allowed to now roll a blunt before engaging in nonreproductive fun time activities. Thanks Pat!

    1. FROTHY

      Genital piercing? Scat play? S&M? B&D? Foot fetishes? Latex? Jello-wrestling? Baked bean wrestling? (Yes, it really *does* exist.)

      1. Trinket

        I'm guessing that as long as any of these take place within a heterosexual marriage, there's no problem. Why would there be?

  19. SoBeach

    So now all of a sudden it's what's "in your heart" that makes it a sin? Dang, Pat. You just pulled the rug out from under every single shitstain televangelist that ever ran a handful of spackle through his hair.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      And that's how Pat is "weeding" out the competing snake-oil salesmen, and positioning his Brand to appeal to the Gen-Y, sort of like with those wacky Old Spice commercials.

  20. JustPixelz

    The question — from "Jerry" — was whether oral sex between a husband and wife is a sin. I'm guessing "Jerry" is the husband in this equation. And I'm imagining the sequence of events that led to him telling "The Mrs." that it was up to Pat Robertson.

    Him: Just try it once. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it again. But just try. One time.
    Her: It's a sin.
    Him: If Pat Robertson says it's OK, will you do it?
    Her (thinking this is a sure thing): Yes.

  21. GhostBuggy

    Really, Pat? So if it's not in your hear that it's a sin, it's o.k., you miserable piece of shit? Then why did you spend the majority of your life trying to make people feel bad about what's in their hearts, up to and including blaming them for horrible, tragic events they had nothing to do with?

    Gah.

    1. natoslug

      This only works for married heterosexuals. For everyone else, everything is still a sin. Isn't this the same guy who claimed it was okay to cheat on your wife or divorce her if she had Alzheimer's or a debilitating illness? Or am I thinking of the other shit-fer-brains Pat, Buchanan? God certainly seems to be getting lax in his moral code.

      1. GhostBuggy

        Really, it's how I know there's no God. If there was, He would never want such incompetent PR men as these two.

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Robertson later offered this correction: "Obviously, I meant if it's not in your religiously-indoctrinated, pathologically guilt-ridden, scripture-obsessed, misogynist heart"

  22. valthemus

    Teen abstinence strategy: Have flabby, gray-haired conservative men go to high schools and talk about fellatio and sexual positions. For any kids still feeling randy… Newt and Callista's sex tapes.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      You wife is going to Heaven when you eat her out, so keep doing a good job and she'll take you along!

  23. Toomush_Infer

    She's still not going to blow him….though I do love the little bit where she says she's too young for sexytime questions, but her legs keep moving up and down…

    1. chicken_thief

      Except for Pat, himself. Ya know Mrs. Robertson is all "don't give me that Jesus says its ok shit. Suck yer own damn cock!"

  24. Tommy1733

    Fukkin dumbass – he says "It's a question of what's in your heart" – this is of course the CORRECT answer, and is actually the CORRECT answer to so many other questions that Mr. Robertson instead answers with some literalist out-of-context, out-of-cultural-context Bible quote.

    Also, will that nice lady and Pat Robertson have sex now? And is that a sin?

  25. Nesnora

    "to you if it's sin, it's sin"

    translation

    "I don't fucking know, I'm going to throw a vague answer out there and tell you to decide because I for one LOVE getting my knob gobbled and if you fuckers can't understand that we change our made-up rules when it suits me/men by now, I've got nothing."

  26. Sassomatic

    I'm not going to watch that. Not because I am at work, but because I'm getting married soon and want to remain heterosexual, you know, for the sake of the relationship.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    All these things Pat Robertson has been okaying lately, he must have the inside scoop on someone's tell-all book about to get published.

  28. Dashboard Buddha

    I don't know if she's uncomfortable talking about the subject or doing the deed. Bummer for her husband if it's the latter.

    1. natoslug

      You should also probably get some medical attention. I'd think a cock-blockage in a ventricle would be kind of rough on the circulatory system.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I do think it's okay as long as the duration is no longer than 4 hours. But, I do not have a medical degree.

  29. Gleem McShineys

    Okay, I myself have said "holy fuck" before.
    I never knew that it came from the original "holy facefuck"

  30. prommie

    Not even Pat Robertson can ruin things when the topic is blowjobs. Ben Franklin famously said "Beer is the proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I would correct him and say Blowjobs are the proof that the universe is in fact benevolent. just the thought of blowjobs makes me smile. Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs, there is just nothing happier than a blowjob. Blowjobs are simply one of the most wonderful things in life. Some have conjectured that Pat came to this conclusion that they are sanctioned through therapy, or senility, or pot, but no, there is an even more forceful argument in favor of blowjobs: blowjobs. He probably just finally got one, and immediately smacked himself in the head and thought, "what was I thinking, anything that wonderful is clearly a blessing from God."

      1. Man0nTheStreet

        The LORD already told Pat to replace his natural teeth with a full set of removable dentures…

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Replay the clip in slow-mo and focus on Pat's face – you'll be Divinely inspired again!

  31. UnholyMoses

    So …

    A woman wanting to control her own body, up to and including getting pills that alleviate very serious and painful conditions?

    SIN!

    Bukakke party at the local chuch?

    APPROVED!

    Your move, Pope Palpatine ..

  32. KeepFnThatChicken

    "The Bible doesn't make that sinful; it's a question of what's in your heart, you know? What's in your heart. To you, if it's sin, it's sin."

    In one fell swoop, he completely destroyed the church. About goddamn time.

  33. Eve8Apples

    Is this a rejected Penthouse Forum letter? After Pat's discussion of blowjobs, I'm considering a vow of celibacy and becoming a nun.

  34. Trinket

    Crazy old asshat says something sensible for once. I was more offended by that idiot woman who apparently would be too embarrassed to say shit if she had a mouthful of it. What the hell? Look, lady, you and virtually everyone else on the planet is here only because two people FUCKED.

  35. ttommyunger

    Thousands of tight-ass churchfolk are going to be enraged over this. The wimmenfolk think being slurped is nasty and the men prefer to get their blowjobs downtown in their pick-up trucks and nothing Pat says is going to change their minds about it.

Comments are closed.