Aw, that’s nice. Pat Robertson, who has previously assured us that abortion caused Hurricane Katrina and feminists and gays caused everything else, would like to let married straight women know God is totally chill with it if they lick, fondle, suck on, and otherwise “blow” their male husbands cocks and balls.
Everybody, please thank RightWingWatch.org for watching this travesty so we didn’t have to.
[RightWingWatch, via Wonkette operative "Charles Cates"]
{ 204 comments }
Just as long as they don't use birth control.
Swallowing is the most foolproof birth control available.
Evangelical fundies only give a shit about birth control insofar as it allows unmarried teenagers to fuck like rabbits in hot, steamy contradiction to scripture on fornication. "Nobody should use any form of birth control ever" is a specifically Catholic mental disorder.
No, they really do want to ban birth control. And that's always been a goal of the "pro-life" anti-choice movement; they just had been better at hiding it until recently, and a lot of the feminists who warned that they were after birth control and not just abortion rights where laughed when they were totally right.
Sorry, I think you're wrong on that, and as I've said before, I was raised in the thick of protestant evangelical fundamentalism. Now maybe they don't want the government to pay for it, and maybe they don't want schools to teach about it because it would encourage extra-marital sex, but it is not Christian doctrine among fundies that it's a sin for married people to use birth control. (Nor is it Mormon doctrine, actually.)
Yes but that was before they realized that with the war in Iraq and the soon to be war in Iran and whatever in the hell is going on with Israel we are now without a doubt in the End Times. So now it is the responsibility of every Christian soldier Mommy and Daddy to pop out the little soldiers as quickly as possible for God’s Army. No doubt these true believers were of a smaller minority at one time but they have spread like a bad seeping pus rash on your nether region and now are seeping their pus everywhere.
Well … they're not SLUTS and PROSTITUTES!!!
I think his new program is called "800 Facials Club".
I do not wanna be cleaning out the collection plates there.
What? It's not hard. You just hold the tube sock at the opening, see…
I thought that was a 1-900 number?
Suck it, Pat!
(No, not *mine*…)
NIMBY.
Er … OK, maybe not.
Blowjobs? Isn't this birth control? Will I have to get a prescription? Do I have to tell my employer how many I "use," so they can fire me for it?
You'll need ID to perform oral sex.
However, I suggest an IUD if you perform non-Pat Robertson-style "intercourse".
Pat just figured it was time to throw you gals a bone.
ISWYDT
#lowhangingfruit
Much like Pat's graciously-approved-for-special-attention nutsack.
"God is totally chill with it if they lick, fondle, suck on, and otherwise “blow” their male husbands cocks and balls."
THANK YOU JESUS!
Question. Can we make that like, the 11th commandment….
OK – he's going to rename his show "The 69 Club", right?
Or the 400 Blows. (SFW)
Oy, gevalt, that is the saddest film ever.
I need a shower.
In bleach
And formic acid.
STAT! And keep the crash cart handy.
I'll join you.
flame thrower shower
I think Pat Robertson just violated new Wonkette rules.
No, I'm pretty sure he didn't call anyone retabled.
I think he also would approve of cranium cocking.
I don't feel that it's a sin.
Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.
Has Robertson been talking to Callista for tips?
Calista does look like she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
That frozen hair is proof she's the BJ queen
Lemme guess, oral performed on ladybits is still a big no-no, right?
Maybe we should test this theory.
Well, clearly it isn't sin if you don't think it's sin…because Pat just said so. Heck, I feel fine about it. You?
Would Whore Pills or the abortionplex be involved?
But I'm Munching For Jeebus!
Today is Pi Day, munch munch munch!
I like Pi!
Mmmm, hair pi! Well, I guess not so much, these days.
Silly, why would anyone do that, ladies don't have orgasms.
If they do, they must be a witch.
Ur doin it rong.
No, no he's not.
Oh ho!! Well geez, Taken, he seems to be unawarez – maybe a little verbal feedback would let him know? Or a Scooby Snack or sumpin sumpin?
So he's not doing it wrong and the lady in question is not having orgasms?
I think he's doing it wrong.
Soros, I'm only going to show you one more time, K?
*blushes*
You WOULD say that. SLUT!! Bet you take birf control, too. Where's the TAPES?
PS: Your neighbours asked if you could please hold down the late-night screamy-shouty. Too much of a good thing, in their opinion.
(Psst, I was just mocking the attitude of the fundie morons).
We dated, didn't we?
If she says "No," she means "Maybe."
If she says "Maybe," she means "Yes."
If she says "Yes," she ain't no lady. Which means you can just go right ahead and do the rapey-rapey dance, because, hey, only LayDEEZ can be raped. The rest of 'em are just sluts who should just video it and send the DVDs to Rush and his friends for teir enjoyment.
Yes-yes!
Oh sure, NOW you tell me.
Does Kristi swallow? Oh com'on we were all thinking it!
First the weed thing, now this. I think he's looking to replace NPH on the next Harold & Kumar.
I think ol Pat has started a ride up the rails on the Dementia Train. Next week, we'll see his handlers wrestling him to the ground as he stands on stage in his underwear, screaming out "GOD IS DEAD! GOD IS DEAD!".
"Hey little fella, let's spark that doob! But first a prayer: Lord, we give thanks to the bounty of Harold's converted titan missile silo and for the miracle of your hydroponics and grow lights, may you bless this buzz with the peace that surpasses our understanding Amen."
Robertson's assistant needs to file a sexual harassment suit.
Pat's just reaching out to the Papists – isn't Teh Buttsexxx Catholic birth control/priestly job perk?
Incredibly difficult to masturbate to this.
"You must have testicle pressure THIS HIGH to enjoy this ride"
Focus on Pat's face… that'll make it easy!
Says you.
This dude really got hold of some good reefer!!
Where does he stand on the tongue-punching of the fartbox?
Ah, the glorious resurrection of another Wonkette classic!
Using this meme yesterday, clearly it has slipped under the "new rules" radar.
I remember a cartoonist once stating the rule that "everything is so much funnier when you put a tiny little hat on it"
Putting "the" in front of a sex term, that is a tiny little hat.
Tongue-punching of the fartbox? OK only if BOTH chicks are hawt, and Pat gets to work the videocamera/sell the tape … Otherwise, it's a SIN!1!!!
He stands on his knees.
I am done for today. could i just regurgitate a bit after this one…
It's okay as long as you use a dental dam.
Worst Mummy movie ever.
But what about all the sperm/potential babies?!?! He's condoning cannibalism if he says it's OK to swallow!
Homonculocaust?
Yeah. There go my erections for a few days. Isn't it time for his nap?
Or at least his nappy-change?
Hey Pat! A sexy duck followed me while I walked to the subway station this morning. Is sex with ducks okay now, too? Just curious.
Watch out, those male ducks are horny, rapey bastards. I'm serious here, they are bad.
Y'know, I had a whole new domain name taken out http://www.misstakenfucksaduck.com, but noooooooooooooom you just had to go screw that up!
No shit. Here's a story on homosexual (anatidsexual?) necrophiliac mallard rapey-time
So MissTaken is safe, but Sorosbot better watch his Sorosbutt!
Well, only if he's dead.
On the other hand, this spells trouble for me…
I have that album! But they're much better live.
The duck was one of SorosBot's minions making sure you're safe.
And looking up your skirt, sending him live video on an encrypted channel.
Careful, that duck just wanted to steal your "purse."
#Obamaeconomy #wherewasholderdoj #nomuslinducks
Howard? I thought you disappeared after the movie…
Uh … (adjusts feathers) … I hadda see a guy about something.
What a teabagger.
Big Deal. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has consistently taken that positition since the dawn of time.
First his surprising stance on the reefer, now this. Is this Pat's version of Going Rogue?
Whatever the fuck they pay these Right Wing Watch people to subject themselves to endless hours of watching this inane horseshit, it's not enough.
First Robertson says pot should be made legal and now blow jobs (and hopefully a tit for tat reversal situation) for all the marrieds. Uuuummmmmm I don't know . . . .
Ahhh, shit— Okay.
Getting old sorta sucks balls. He's an example of why we really do need end of life counceling, otherwise known as Death Panels.
On the otherhand, I just recently remodeled my basement and tore out all those dark Death Panels. Should I put them on Craigslist?
Pat, in his new pro cannabis incarnate, believes it is also okay for women to equally partake in the pleasures of THC…they can caress, fondle and suck down the bong water.
Face fucking=OK
Making him put on a rubber=whore
Got that ladies!
Speaking of which, Pat just wants someone to suck his jowl-sack.
Happy Steak and Blowjob Day, everyone!
I think Pat's psychiatrist/counselor is doing some good work. I am thinking it must be a kickass anti-psychotic like Abilify.
Oh, shit. I can just hear my husband whining now, "Pleeeeeeze! Pat Robertson says it's OK."
Thanks a lot, old man.
Just hum a hymn while giving him a hummer!
married straight women know God is totally chill with it
what does Pat have against wriggling around in excrement? He does it every day, in layman's terms.
News You Can Use.
Did that lady really say 'verklempt' on CBN?
Man, him holding his stank-finger in the air while talking about hummers is a real buzzkill for what the twooters are calling 'steak and blowjob day'.
Don't get too excited, Santorum will come out against this tomorrow.
Morning after santorum? The worst kind.
Yeah, 'cuz that'll matter…
I'm beginning to think that the Ayatollah Santorum is angling for the gig on The 700 Club, once his presidential ambitions peter out.
EWWWWWWWWWWWW! Yuck! I just thought of Pat's wrinkled knob in some intern's jaw.
As usual, this video is MUCH funnier with the captions turned on.
I can't see the captions! WAAH – please transcribe them PLEEEZE
Pat could use another facial
If God meant for chicks to be gobbling schlong, then explain to me why God gave them a gag reflex, Mr. Smarty-Pants Robertson?
Kirk Cameron will now demonstrate proper technique with an intelligently-designed banana.
There is a Left Behind joke in there…somewhere.
Probably somehow, santorum is involved, also.
Behind, santorum, of course it is.
ROCCO SIFFREDI LIBEL!!111!1!
Let's hope Pat does more of these Andrew Sullivanesque "Ask Me Anything" videos.
You are also allowed to now roll a blunt before engaging in nonreproductive fun time activities. Thanks Pat!
So then Pat, what's your opinion on rim jobs? How about golden showers?
As long as it is in the marital shower, it is fine.
Genital piercing? Scat play? S&M? B&D? Foot fetishes? Latex? Jello-wrestling? Baked bean wrestling? (Yes, it really *does* exist.)
I'm guessing that as long as any of these take place within a heterosexual marriage, there's no problem. Why would there be?
Will CBN be releasing a guide to approved techniques? A "Humnal" perhaps?
Release the box set of Nina Hartley's Guide To…. videos.
So now all of a sudden it's what's "in your heart" that makes it a sin? Dang, Pat. You just pulled the rug out from under every single shitstain televangelist that ever ran a handful of spackle through his hair.
And that's how Pat is "weeding" out the competing snake-oil salesmen, and positioning his Brand to appeal to the Gen-Y, sort of like with those wacky Old Spice commercials.
The question — from "Jerry" — was whether oral sex between a husband and wife is a sin. I'm guessing "Jerry" is the husband in this equation. And I'm imagining the sequence of events that led to him telling "The Mrs." that it was up to Pat Robertson.
Him: Just try it once. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it again. But just try. One time.
Her: It's a sin.
Him: If Pat Robertson says it's OK, will you do it?
Her (thinking this is a sure thing): Yes.
Jerry is my hero!
Oh, your lady friend has problems with this too?
Money was exchanged, of course.
Well, wedding rings aren't free, you know…
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!
Really, Pat? So if it's not in your hear that it's a sin, it's o.k., you miserable piece of shit? Then why did you spend the majority of your life trying to make people feel bad about what's in their hearts, up to and including blaming them for horrible, tragic events they had nothing to do with?
Gah.
This only works for married heterosexuals. For everyone else, everything is still a sin. Isn't this the same guy who claimed it was okay to cheat on your wife or divorce her if she had Alzheimer's or a debilitating illness? Or am I thinking of the other shit-fer-brains Pat, Buchanan? God certainly seems to be getting lax in his moral code.
Really, it's how I know there's no God. If there was, He would never want such incompetent PR men as these two.
Robertson later offered this correction: "Obviously, I meant if it's not in your religiously-indoctrinated, pathologically guilt-ridden, scripture-obsessed, misogynist heart"
WTF Pat?!? What about the Dirty Sanchez or Cleveland Steamer?
Cleveland Steamers are the best on the market.
http://www.clevelandrange.com/products/cook/steam…
Damn, this place is turning into a dump.
Wow…first pot and now oral sex…what the hell has gotten into PR? THC and a big dick?
Teen abstinence strategy: Have flabby, gray-haired conservative men go to high schools and talk about fellatio and sexual positions. For any kids still feeling randy… Newt and Callista's sex tapes.
Now that fellatio has the Jesus Seal of Approval, how about cunnilingus? Or am I still going to hell for eating my wife out?
You wife is going to Heaven when you eat her out, so keep doing a good job and she'll take you along!
Can a tearful apology for terror-profiteering be far behind?
She's still not going to blow him….though I do love the little bit where she says she's too young for sexytime questions, but her legs keep moving up and down…
ROTFLMAO!
This is good news for guys who like their dick sucked.
Except for Pat, himself. Ya know Mrs. Robertson is all "don't give me that Jesus says its ok shit. Suck yer own damn cock!"
That would solve a few issues, as he would break his neck, back and…well, dick.
Damn, y'all are just SO optimistic! Like Pat Blobertson even HAZ a dick.
It's OK. He's going to divorce her for catching the Alzheimer's.
You think, Captain Obvious?!
No, but those shoes are a sin, honey.
Fukkin dumbass – he says "It's a question of what's in your heart" – this is of course the CORRECT answer, and is actually the CORRECT answer to so many other questions that Mr. Robertson instead answers with some literalist out-of-context, out-of-cultural-context Bible quote.
Also, will that nice lady and Pat Robertson have sex now? And is that a sin?
Given that he is a Southern Baptist, I am figuring there is a "as long as they are the same race or you own them" in there somewhere.
And not while dancing. That's still right out.
"to you if it's sin, it's sin"
translation
"I don't fucking know, I'm going to throw a vague answer out there and tell you to decide because I for one LOVE getting my knob gobbled and if you fuckers can't understand that we change our made-up rules when it suits me/men by now, I've got nothing."
I'm not going to watch that. Not because I am at work, but because I'm getting married soon and want to remain heterosexual, you know, for the sake of the relationship.
Oh my, I snarted.
Better than snitting or sheezing
Marcus Bachmann wants a word with you, girlfriend…
All these things Pat Robertson has been okaying lately, he must have the inside scoop on someone's tell-all book about to get published.
Wow the recruiting and donations must be off some.
The real question is whether God cool with married straight women licking, fondling, sucking, and otherwise “blowing” their husbands' big black rubber cocks – the ones the husbands hide inside their wetsuits along with the other rubber bondage fetish-gear they hope wifey won't find? Answer that, Pat!
I don't know if she's uncomfortable talking about the subject or doing the deed. Bummer for her husband if it's the latter.
If a cock is in your heart you should get some kind of medal from the US Chamber of Deep Throat Technique or something.
You should also probably get some medical attention. I'd think a cock-blockage in a ventricle would be kind of rough on the circulatory system.
I do think it's okay as long as the duration is no longer than 4 hours. But, I do not have a medical degree.
Okay, I myself have said "holy fuck" before.
I never knew that it came from the original "holy facefuck"
Whatever you think about the divinity of Christ, the man Jesus — her son — died on a cross, after a brutal facefuck. And she watched the whole thing.
Not even Pat Robertson can ruin things when the topic is blowjobs. Ben Franklin famously said "Beer is the proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." I would correct him and say Blowjobs are the proof that the universe is in fact benevolent. just the thought of blowjobs makes me smile. Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs, there is just nothing happier than a blowjob. Blowjobs are simply one of the most wonderful things in life. Some have conjectured that Pat came to this conclusion that they are sanctioned through therapy, or senility, or pot, but no, there is an even more forceful argument in favor of blowjobs: blowjobs. He probably just finally got one, and immediately smacked himself in the head and thought, "what was I thinking, anything that wonderful is clearly a blessing from God."
And now, for the rebuttal:
Teeth.
They can be dealt with.
The LORD already told Pat to replace his natural teeth with a full set of removable dentures…
I will never fap again.
Replay the clip in slow-mo and focus on Pat's face – you'll be Divinely inspired again!
So …
A woman wanting to control her own body, up to and including getting pills that alleviate very serious and painful conditions?
SIN!
Bukakke party at the local chuch?
APPROVED!
Your move, Pope Palpatine ..
"The Bible doesn't make that sinful; it's a question of what's in your heart, you know? What's in your heart. To you, if it's sin, it's sin."
In one fell swoop, he completely destroyed the church. About goddamn time.
And all it took was getting high and having his dick sucked!
is there a bottom on the comment section or we just keep on struggling..
Is this a rejected Penthouse Forum letter? After Pat's discussion of blowjobs, I'm considering a vow of celibacy and becoming a nun.
I dunno — I thought pork wasn't kosher.
This is weird – like when Pat Boone did that heavy metal album cover.
You just know my husband is going to forward this clip to me any minute now.
Old Pat just wants his steak and blowjob like everyone else apparently.
This makes Pat more liberal than Santorum.
So, just what kinds of meds are they mixing up for Pat these days?
Man cannot live on bread alone.
He needs punani also…
Now if those involved were gay, lesbian, or Muslim it would be an abominable sin.
Kind of takes the idea of prayer requests to a whole new level.
Crazy old asshat says something sensible for once. I was more offended by that idiot woman who apparently would be too embarrassed to say shit if she had a mouthful of it. What the hell? Look, lady, you and virtually everyone else on the planet is here only because two people FUCKED.
Thousands of tight-ass churchfolk are going to be enraged over this. The wimmenfolk think being slurped is nasty and the men prefer to get their blowjobs downtown in their pick-up trucks and nothing Pat says is going to change their minds about it.
I thought he was going to pull a Kirk Cameron and put his finger in his mouth to demonstrate.
And thank the imaginary good lord for that.
He thought she just spontaneously started praying …
Well, she kept screaming "Oh, GOD, I'm coming!" And he was a good Catholic boy. Whadja expect him to think?
Poor 'Bot. We are being horrible to ya, aren't we?
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