Self-Abort Shiny fappy people Very funny and extremely handsome man Matthew Boyle, who does not at all look like he secretly installs toilet-cams in Foggy Bottom Starbuckses, made a funny with which he is very smugly pleased, judging by his sexpot lady journo Twitter pic.

Perhaps you, the clever and hilarious Wonkette commenter, can help him with a better punchline with which to blame Eric Holder’s Justice Department for not having known in advance to send a Metro policeman to a crime that had not yet taken place, and also Obama, because.


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  • nounverb911

    If Boyle was a real man he would have stopped the pickpocket.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I notice hero dude didn't leap to the aid of the young lady in question. Pussy.

    • mrpuma2u

      Yes, why didn't this stalwart of conservatism excersize a "2nd amendment remedy" to this heinous crime? Maybe because that takes actual BALLS??

    • Well, see, he would have but DC bans carry permits.

      Wait? What? They don't?

    • Baconzgood

      He was to busy tweeting about the thieve.

    • You're missing his larger point: lower taxes and get rid of the ineffective police force. Each of us will accept personal responsibility for our own safety against a mob of angry muggers.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      It's her own fault for traveling in a DANGER ZONE per the 2010 Tea Party Hoveroundapalooza travel tips.

  • cheetojeebus


  • This happened on Seinfeld once.

    • nounverb911

      Are they out of jail yet?

    • No soup for you!

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    "She only had $21 and an expired gym card anyway. #drillbabydrill #impeachobama"

    • Crank_Tango

      #worsethantheholocaust also

  • AlterNewt

    "Theive" ?

    • chicken_thief


      • AlterNewt

        You're right. Either way, wrong.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Also doesn't understand basic rules of capitalization: "foggy bottom". Unless he was describing his buttocks swimming in a thick haze of flatus.

          • Libunatic socialist grammer and speling regulashuns stifle the free market11!!!11

        • chicken_thief


    • About par for the course for a post social media "writer."

      • Crank_Tango

        It's hard to tweet properly when you have just pissed yourself, apparently.

    • Baconzgood

      OK let me explain a "Thieve" is more than a Thief. It has higher Hit points and greater dexterity than a "Thief". It's like you're 5 thiefs.

      • The same dynamic applies to rogue/rouge. #geeksrepresent

        • GOPCrusher

          Isn't a rouge a cross dressing rogue?

    • neiltheblaze

      Looks French if you ask me.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He meant to write "Steve."

  • Jerri

    Man, Pete Campbell sure porks up when Mad Men is off for a while.

    • He WISHES he was a dead (can I say that?) ringer for Pete Campbell.
      (Ol' Matt does have the smarm factor down, though.)

      • Jerri

        It pains me to make the comparison, but this joker really does look like Pete Campbell + about a hundred pounds of face fat (give or take).

        Maybe it is just the smug.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yes, it's really too bad that Murtaugh and Riggs weren't there to take down the perp.

    • nounverb911

      They would have blown up the Starbucks, just for kicks.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And crashed the Metro train into the Potomac!

        • Crank_Tango

          I'm getting too old for this shit, also.

        • I'm just trying to imagine a "Lethal Weapon" sequel with Michael Bay directing.

          • GOPCrusher

            Uwe Boll.

    • Not_So_Much

      Those are the worst titty names ever.

  • Complaining about crimes in DC is pretty rich, coming from American political tradition that would've made sure DC didn't have paved roads or streetlamps, if they had their way.

  • mavenmaven

    Because their leadership would make the trains run on time and maintain order everywhere with armed brownshirts.

    • OneDollarJuana

      IIRC, the last guy who "made the trains run on time" wound up just hanging around.

    • You know who else…?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Casey Jones?

        • SorosBot

          Casey Jones would have smacked that pickpocket in the head with a hockey stick!

          (We're talking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character, right?)

  • memzilla

    Just witnessed a**hole waste bandwidth in failed Twitter blog. Moderator didn't show up til too late.


  • #blackpeoplemademefat

  • Troubledog

    Eric Holder stealing wallets to make ends meet, because Obama doesn't pay him enough? Finally, a real story.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe it was Scott Walker, isn't he underpaid as well?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Matthew Boyle @mboyle1

    Was 2 busy pissing pants 2 intervene @ Metro crimescene. Obama 2 blame 4 me Being total pussy.


  • Ah, the good ol' "Blame the Black Guy" tactic. It works everytime!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obama, Holder, and "no doubt" the pickpocket. He won the racist trifecta!!

  • Hey, way to step right in there, pansy. But at least you managed to blame someone else for your cowardice, so no worries.

  • ChernobylSoup

    You know the mugger was white, otherwise there would have been a more colorful description.

  • dadanarchist

    It's almost cruel to pick on The Daily Caller.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Wait, yes, don't we have rules now about not mocking the mentally impaired?

      • GOPCrusher

        No children were harmed in the making of this mock.

  • And exactly did Spanky do to help Darla? Renew his membership to the HeMan Woman Haters Club?

  • MLite

    He was gonna try to help the lady and alert security, but signal was weak in the metro station and by the time his Twit (redundant?) posted, the thief was gone #priorities

  • unclejeems

    Duh. The victim was a woman. And probably a, you know, slut on birth control. According to the latest Republican wisdom.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Where were all the 2nd Amendment freaks? They could have drawn down and blown that motherfucking pickpocket to Hades.

    • GeneralLerong

      And, with luck, they'd have been on opposite sides of the perp, and thus blown each other into shreds as well.

  • So now, Holder is the mayor of DC AND it's police chief, too?

    • spends2much

      And, from what I understand, a Metro Station mugger ,too!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Festering Boyle
    Where the fuck is Superman when you need him? Probably busy confiscating Lois Lane's birth control pills.


  • EatsBabyDingos

    This is funny like Beverly Sills naming one of her children Matthew Boyle Sills, because she like "M.B. Sills."

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, how do we know that Obama didn't once shake hands with the person who stole the wallet? They obviously share the same values… of, uh.. taking public transportation.

    • SorosBot

      Elitists; they probably live in high rise apartments too!

  • More Boyle: Holder to blame for not inventing #precrime bureau. Whar is PRECRIME????

    • doloras

      Tom Cruise can use his Scientology powers to decide who's going to steal money, or not donate it to L Ron Hubbard, whichever.

  • Thought Metro was only for liberal elites???

  • Lucidamente1

    "Foggy Bottom" is Matthew Boyle's handle on the "dating" sites he frequents.

  • SorosBot

    Huh, I didn't know the Department of Justice diectly controlled Washington's subway cops.

    • MissTaken

      During #obamaseconomy they do

      • SorosBot

        Why, I bet it's Obama's fault that I just had to replace my shower curtain too!

        • MissTaken

          If Newt was President you could've got that new shower curtain for $2.50. Log on to to learn details.

  • fuflans

    maybe you all should stop calling eric holder to testify before congress and then he would be more available to walk the metro beat.

  • CapeClod

    Yeah, like crime never happened in Washington under Bush.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Apparently, all crimes were stopped in progress by the timely arrival of the Metro cops. Now they're probably all in the union and on coffee break.

    • Shit, it happened in the White House under Bush.

  • barto


    there's your funny

    • dubyatf


  • dadanarchist

    Give Eric Holder a break – he was busy assassinating Andrew Breitbart.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And smuggling guns to the Mexican-Taliban-Al Qaeda drug dealers across the border. That takes up most of his attention.

    • GOPCrusher

      And stopping states from enacting laws that enhance your voting experience by having to show your photo ID.

  • MissTaken

    Cops show up for a pickpocket? That's so cute!

    • SorosBot

      Here now they won't show up for a car accident unless there are serious injuries. A pickpocketing? Yeah right.

    • They would if it involved donuts!

    • GOPCrusher

      But smoke a joint out in public…….

  • UnholyMoses

    I didnt help bc slut pills feel out of woman's purse. #neverbeenlaid #womensuckbutnotme

  • IncenseDebate

    He's another unfortunate name matched with an unfortunate face.

  • chicken_thief

    He sure is purdy. I wanna fuck him.

    • Steverino247

      I'm sorry. Barb took the chain saw to Vegas. You'll have to wait until she gets back.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Judging from the reactions above, and projecting them out to the rest of the internet, I bet this fucker is going to be really sorry that he made that particular tweet.

  • Boyle looks like a shiny new ventriloquist's doll. I wonder who's hand is up his butt?

  • Buzz Feedback


  • MissTaken

    She probably uses birth control so she obviously deserved it.

    • Yeah! Thieve should have raped and impregnated her so she could get a transvaginal ultrasound as jesus and the founding fathers commanded.

      Video, also too.

  • chascates

    Eric Holder is the sole law enforcement for the entire district? He needs a raise!

  • Were she and Matthew Boyle separated at birth?

    • Are you sure that's not K-Lo styling her new 'do?

  • SnarkoMarx

    Chaz Bono?

  • fuflans

    i wonder if matthew boyle has ever gotten laid?

    • What do you think he was doing in the subway in the first place?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm glad I'm not in journalism. I'd see these tweets and shit blood in anger. Luckily, they get sanitized by Wonkette for laughter and merriment.

  • MissTaken

    That Susan Boyle has really let herself go since singing that song.

  • I bet even the wallet was black.

  • Baconzgood

    Yes because the Metro Police have no other problems to deal with and can just drop what they are doing to nab that pick pocket that stole $25.

    • SorosBot

      And it's so easy to catch a pickpocket based on the description from the victim who probably saw him for all of ten seconds.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Police sketch based on composite twitter feeds.

        • Baconzgood

          "Yeah they put another 2 guys on it. They got us working in shifts….Leads…"

          • bikerlaureate

            Now, if her rug had been urinated upon…

          • Generation[redacted]

            This aggression will not stand, man.

  • YouBetcha

    Needs more testosterone. He looks like he'd have moobs.

    • He was going to get more testosterone inside him but then Tucker told him about how he had his "friends" beat up gay men that supposedly hit on him in public toilets.

  • Baconzgood


  • Wilcoxyz

    My right front tire is low on air. #obamaeconomy #blacks #GMbailout #pulitzers

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is actually my favorite comment in a long, long time.

      • "I find this difficult to masterbate to" libel!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is that Tony Blankley's long lost illegitimate son?

  • fuflans

    so i see today is 'pasty hypocritical white tool' day.

    • Every day is "pasty hypocritical white tool" day!

      • bikerlaureate

        No, only those days ending in Yyyyy-yhine.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Matthew Boyle @mboyle1

    OMG! Totally spent time tweeting while lady had wallet stolen. Probs shud have called 911. I blame teh blax. #cantworkmyiphoneanyway

  • Baconzgood

    Just witnessed a kniving at Vienna metro station. Someone didn't administer first aid till it was too late. #fuckimabigdouchebag.

  • RavenRant


  • I think I'm getting the hang of this twitter thing. Now I can join the ranks of geniuses like drunk republican senators and Ashton Kutchner.

  • Antispandex

    Where are the mops when you need one?

  • neiltheblaze

    Did you know that when John Ashcroft was Attorney General, there were never any wallets stolen on the DC subway? True fact.

    • GOPCrusher

      Back in the days of when Ed Meese was AG, things were so peaceful I had to subscribe to Canadian satellite porn channels, since American providers were not allowed to show the naughty bits.
      True story.

  • Penis_Vagina

    So this guy witnessed a crime and did nothing about it? Sounds like a co-conspiritor to me.

  • Sassomatic

    Because there were no pickpockets during the halcyon days of Bush (?)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Everybody's down on their knee
    Listen like thieve
    But who needs that
    When the tweets in my hands

  • Baconzgood

    For the record:

    If baconz saw that he would have grabbed the guy's arm and said somthing. But I'm 6' 4" and in a bit of shape. Oh and not a total chicken shit suck-a-wuss.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

    • MissTaken

      Thank you for looking out for us ladies!

      • Baconzgood


        I still open the door, help with the coat, and even stand when a woman comes to or leaves the table. Ma Baconz raised me to be a gentleman.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Alas, Flagass Pere raised me to be a genital-man. Not quite the same thing.

        • MissTaken

          Us ladies appreciate it. I make a point to look a person in the eye and say "thank you" whenever they hold a door for me.

          • Steverino247

            And, after checking out your rack, we return the eye contact and say, "No, thank you!"

    • bikerlaureate

      Some of us are trying to live our quietly desperate lives, here. Keep your depressing physical superiority to yourself. kthnx.

      • Baconzgood

        It's just that I ride my bicycle to and from work. I do it with a smoke hanging out of my mouth but I still do it.

        • bikerlaureate

          Good for you (doing something bad for you, that is). (While doing something good for you)
          The two-minute hate will be postponed.

  • MissTaken

    When Newt is President he will lower the pickpocket rate to 2.5 per month.

  • If I had a head like that, I would either change my last name or quit festering.

    • MissTaken

      I hear birth control pills are good for acne. I'm sure they would help for a head full of boil, too.

      • Next time my knees break out, I'll try the pill.

  • ElPinche

    I got a Boyle on my ass THIS BIG. But you know me, I can't complain.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Fuckin' A, man. I got a Boyle. Fuckin' A, man. I gotta tell ya Pinche. I was feeling really shitty earlier in the day, I'd lost a little money, someone picked my pocket on the Green Line, I was down in the dumps. Yeah, man! Fuck it! I can't be worrying about that shit. Life goes on!

      • GOPCrusher

        Sounds like something that some Yukon Jack and a handful of Vicodin can take care of.

  • Naked_Bunny

    What's this about a daily collar?

  • Naked_Bunny

    If that young woman had been more responsible and not been carrying a wallet, we wouldn't be in this situation!

  • owhatever

    She reached for the Mace in her purse, but it was buried beneath all of the contraceptives and Georgetown University birth control pills. Pretty scary being all alone in a subway station with only a few hundred people like Matthew around for protection.

  • How is she supposed to vote now?

    • dubyatf

      SSHHHHH-Don't give them any new ideas, for cripes' sake.
      Come October the headlines will be filled with stories about mass pickpocketing in areas known to be populated by Dems/progressives/sentient human beings.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'm sure Boyle won't mind if the police begin following him everywhere to make sure he doesn't commit any crimes.

  • metamarcisf

    This won't happen when John Anderton is named Attorney General

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    She'd have just used the money for contraceptives anyway.

  • elburritodeluxe

    #smugselfsatisfieddick #ihangoutinrestrooms #prickupyourears


  • BklynE

    "I would have helped, but… #2manychilihalfsmokes #onlyslutscarrywallets"

  • Lucidamente1

    So Susan Boyle is now a man?

  • I am guessing it is probably Obama and Holder's fault that the alleged writers for the "Daily Caller" have to make up petty stupidity like that "story" instead of doing real journalism.

  • I'm gonna assume he never volunteered to serve in Afghanistan or Iraq either. I'm also going to assume he has taken Pat Robertson to heart about the giving of blowjobs and has had a special dental dam fashioned so he won't be distracted by jaw fatigue while he indulges himself.

  • lochnessmonster

    So he can be a witness but do nothing to stop it?

  • anniegetyerfun

    I actually find this tweet funnier:

    Matthew Boyle‏@mboyle1
    @rumpfshaker it really is. I literally have stacks and stacks of documents backlogged worth of investigative reporting I'm working on.

    Stacks and stacks, eh? I'll bet.

    Oh! Or this one:

    Matthew Boyle‏@mboyle1
    CNN fails to tell its readers how Sandra Fluke is an Obama WH plant working w Anita Dunn as a liberal activist:


    • Dudleydidwrong

      Matthew Lance Boyle is going to save the Republic just like he went to the aid of that woman in the Metro. My hero…my true hero…my ass!

  • twostepcub

    He's just angry because he had to go purchase a new set of trousers after soiling himself. Holder, why don't you pay?

  • I'm gonna assume he never volunteered to serve in Afghanistan or Iraq either.

    No need to assume, he is a conservative.

  • This is even more stupid to the point of offensiveness if one reads his fellating of "his mentor" Andy Breitbart where he whines about how terrible journalism is.

  • ttommyunger

    Who does this "reporter" blame for not being able to spell "thief"?

  • CessnaDriver

    Chaz Bono looks far more manly.

  • rickmaci

    This is just a random observation. Boyle looks like Chaz Bono.

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