sweet judy blue eyes

Gretchen Carlson All Hung Up on Her Right to Buy Sudafed

Breaking, Bad.With her eyes bugging out of her head just so — that’s how you know when she means BIZNESS! — Gretchen Carlson took a whack or 40 at Eric Holder, the Justice Department, and anybody in the world who would, say, see terrible stories about 96-year-old ladies being denied the ID they’d need to vote because they were born before birth certificates or something, and think ‘Hmmm, I would not like that to happen to my own 96-year-old mother, and is voter fraud even really a problem anyway, it probably isn’t since James O’Keefe says it is.’ Hold it right there, SIR! Gretchen Carlson has a thing or five to yell at you!

Now why Ol’ Gretch is so hung up on Sudafed is anyone’s guess. She doesn’t seem like a meth monster to us, but maybe she don’t get high on her own supply.

At any rate, Gretchen and FOX would like to remind you, and remind you, and remind you that vote fraud is not at all a thing made up by Republicans to make it harder for the poor and minorities to vote — or, as rightwing sludgetalker Neal Boortz has it, “worms in a dog’s butt should not be voting.” (Okay, according to Tom Junod it was, “The situation in this country is like a dog with worms. You bring the dog to the vet to be dewormed, but the vet is Dr. Obama, and he says you can’t get the dog dewormed because the worms have a vote. And that’s the problem, folks: the worms have a vote.”)

Here’s Gretchen, for you to fap to.

[MediaMatters]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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201 comments

  1. nounverb911

    Tomorrows NY Post headline:

    GRETCHEN CARLSON OPENS FIRST BRISTOL METH FRANCHISE IN NYC!

    1. oldedinvn

      Here in Hanoi I bought some crappy oranges today. Obamas fault.
      PS. Gret, you were lousy in bed last month.
      Yeah, my fault. I could not hold the mirror so you could watch your own self.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Imagine if she had both and they were roommates. I smell a wacky sitcom spin-off!

        We'll call it Runts in a Cunt.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    So, if you're not a White Republican in this country, you're a worm in a dog's ass? Is that the takeaway?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      If you're white – Democrats of color are merely the parasites inside a worm's intestinal track.

  3. nounverb911

    "Here’s Gretchen, for you to fap to."
    Gretchen causes shrinkage faster than a dip in the ocean on New Year's Day.

    1. Baconzgood

      "Buy cigarettes, alcohol, Sudafed then get a motel room"

      Actually that sounds like a start to a pretty good weekend.

    2. Callyson

      Seriously–while all of those purchases sound like fun, last I checked we didn't fight the Revolutionary War so we could smoke, drink, and drug ourselves in an "Overnight or short stay?" dump…

    3. e_z

      "what crawled up her ass anyway?.. "

      Good question. 'Some people say' that explains why Doocy was missing….

  4. DrunkIrishman

    I dated a girl who looked like a younger Gretchen Carlson. Even almost wore the same hairdo, but it was more poofy.

    I still hate myself for that.

    1. Isyaignert

      I think Gretchen Carlson is beautiful; that's why she got her job at Fux News. Happy St. Patty's Day DrunkIrishman!

  5. SorosBot

    Funny, I haven't been asked to show an ID to buy alcohol or cigarettes in many, many years – oh fuck I'm old.

    1. bumfug

      Go to Columbia County, GA – those assholes will deny a 75 year-old person a bottle of wine if they don't like their ID. They check every single time because It's The Law.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Me neither, except at the fucking airport bars these days. What the fuck is that about; if I'm underage do they think I am going to get drunk and steal a 737 and go out for a joyride?

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Ha! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!

      1. actor212

        Used to be, I could just take my hat off and show the fringe of graying hair around my elegant balding pate and that would pass for ID, but not anymore!

        Thanks alot, steroid addled teens!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Trying to figure out how to work in a "dog dragging his ass on the carpet" (or "mowing the lawn" as it is called colloquially) reference here.

  6. DaRooster

    With a whopping 6 (YES SIX) cases of individual voter fraud in the last election it is a definite problem (must be Hate Crimes)…

    But anyway… was there any kind of tampering in the Prez election in 2000?

    Diebold/Hate Crime 2012!!

  7. Lucidamente1

    "Would you believe they asked me for ID when I tried to buy a strapon? Jeez, I told 'em I was just gonna use it on Doocy, but no, they insisted on seeing a driver's license."

  8. Generation[redacted]

    Gretchen Carlson is Breaking Bad. She was last seen smurfing sudafed at Los Pollos Hermanos.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Gretchen:

    Less talking, more titties. And that goes triple for you, Douchey.

    No love,

    EQ

  10. Baconzgood

    "[L]et's just take a look at a simple list of what we're required to show I.D. for in general society. To buy cigarettes and alcohol. To purchase an R-rated movie ticket. To even buy Sudafed now. To rent a car, to get a hotel room, and I could go on and on, Mr. Adams, even to get a beach pass in my community, you have to show several forms of I.D."

    Soooo she's saying we have to show ID to vote just like when we watch Showgirls wacked out on NyQuil in a hotel room under the boardwalk after getting some Winstons and Canadian Club in our Avis car?!?!?!?!

    Excuse me. Logic just ran out the door and I got to go and catch it.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat! Keep your ugly fucking goldbricking ass out of my beach community!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      What about our constitutionally protected right to porn? All men are created to whack it, endowed by their creator with unalienable boners. Those drugs not bogarted by the government, are reserved for the people, or the states.

    2. snoopyfan2010

      You can choose not to engage in any of those activities and not have it affect your rights as a citizen but you can't or really shouldn't choose not to vote.

  11. actor212

    What is it with these people that it's a hardship to present identification to *buy* drugs, but you should have your photo ID draped around your throat to vote?

  12. mavenmaven

    Blocking sudafed purchasing for meth production is a direct attack on the GOP constituency!

  13. Fare la Volpe

    I think the more accurate metaphor would be to compare poor people to America's heart: clogged, overworked, and under tremendous pressure from years of abuse and neglect.

    The correct solution is to stop shoveling so much garbage into its veins and let it fucking breathe for once. Neal Boortz's solution is to remove the heart completely – Why not? It's not like he was using the damn thing anyway.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    The situation in this country is like a dog with worms.

    I remember when the conservatives used to say liberals were always whinging. It appears that now the worm(s) have turned, since that's all those crazy assholes do.

  15. JustPixelz

    Apparently Dr. Obama is trying to please racial worm groups by saying they should be able to vote*. Unfortunately, he has forgotten those voter ID laws were passed by Repubicans to please other, non-worm racial groups. (Hint: blancos).
    ____________________________
    * adding a cost to the act voting is de facto poll tax, which is unconstitutional in the United States of America. But allowed in the virtual reality of right-wing politics.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    The Guardian UK reports that as many as 5 million Americans will be prevented from voting in 2012 thanks to these attempts at disenfranchisement masquerading as concern about "voter fraud." As my European partner pointed out after reading this, "We've guillotined people for less heinous attempts to thwart democracy."

    1. SorosBot

      She does have the inhuman, too-much-plastic-surgery real doll look that seems to be so in fashion among the right wing ladies these days. It's a real boner killer.

    2. Rotundo_

      My pet theory on this is that about thirty or fourty years ago Republicans had some sort of eugenics program where they bred a line of blonde puppets like these two for future use on Faux and anywhere else they could slide one in. They could be twins for all we know or care.

  17. Pragmatist2

    The real unanswered question here is whether she is concerned as a meth maker or a meth user.
    Oh, hold it. Never mind.

  18. metamarcisf

    If bimbolicious pundit Gretchen Carlson has to show her IUD every time she buys Sudafed to bring back to her snazzy meth-condo, why shouldn't I have to show my IUD every time I vote on Erection Day? I mean, Why?!

  19. Baconzgood

    Only Gretchen could equate the civic responsibility of voting with renting Revenge of the Nerds. KUDOS on your right wing slight of hand.

  20. Doktor Zoom

    For people who say they love the Constitution, they sure as hell seem to have little idea what's actually in the blasted thing.

    1. Ruhe

      Perhaps it's the color…that lovely mottled patina of yellowing parchment with the contrasting iron-rich, rusty ink color. And perhaps they're also imagining the texture of the thing, crisp with age, like a communion wafer or some delectable pastry or the shell of a pot-pie. "Mmmm, constitution."

  21. Oblios_Cap

    They had Fox on in the doctor's office when my wife was in surgery. All they do is feign outrage over the same crap each hour. I think I lost 15 IQ points that day.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        I'm in Flori-duh. I thought I was going to get in a fight when I tried to get the channel changed.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Maybe, if instead of framing it as changing the channel away from Fox, you could ask for something like ESPN–more easily ignored, at least, and a less obviously "political" request.

  22. sharethegrief

    There are 81 out of 254 counties in Texas who don't have operational driver's license offices. Some of these people are looking at a round trip of over 170 miles to get a state issued ID.
    Stick it, Gretchen.

    1. Sassomatic

      You see, beaches in Gretchen's community are a lot like how Republicans like Democracy–no blacks or poors or Mexicans, unless they are there to clean something up or serve you a drink.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "I hate your guts, you smart college guys! I've been seeing your kind around since I was ten years old… working as a busboy. "Oh busboy, it seems my friend has thrown up on the table. Clean up that mess, boy, will'ya?" And then when I went to sea as a steward… people poking at you with umbrellas. "Oh, boy!", "You, boy!", "Careful with that luggage, boy!"

    2. actor212

      You need ID in any community that has a beach, because they want to establish residency, else they charge you the visitor rate.

      So I mean, if Gretchen doesn't mind paying more, she can safely avoid sending in a copy of her license.

  23. HarryButtle

    Well, she kinda has a point: The ID requirement to buy allegy medication is a fucking farce.

    But, as usual, they're gonna fix it the wrong way: instead of doing the sensible thing and simply eliminating the ID requirement for Sudafed, we're going to add ID requirements for all sorts of other things…like voting.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I hear ya. All we did was send the business to really violent gangs down south. Errr…win?

    2. Ruhe

      And of course you won't hear any Republicans calling for the massive funding, and perhaps even creation of an entirely new federal agency that would be necessary to guarantee that every single American of voting age has an ID, you know, which if your interest was really in protecting the sanctity of the vote you would have to be all in favor of.

    3. Designer_Rants

      I thought that too until I watched this. Little babies living in meth kitchens are doomed, and apparently "smurfing" has been cut down since these measures of putting pseudoephedrine behind the counter. Not sure if that's still the case?

      Sorry if I'm lecturing, but this episode of Frontline about meth, and watching a Pfizer exec. trying to justify their tooth-and-nail fight against pseudoephedrine restrictions made me sell my pfizer stock within a week of watching (probably still own it in almost every mutual fund, though…)

      1. Generation[redacted]

        The only effective thing is to control the precursor materials at the factories. That's why you don't see ludes anymore. Unfortunately, some countries where these factories live aren't very cooperative. With us. They are very cooperative with the drug lords who go so far as to request pills without the binder materials (which keep the drugs in solid pill form, prevent the pills from turning to dust in the bottle, but add an extra step when processing the stuff into meth).

    4. GOPCrusher

      To be quite honest, I don't remember hearing the same amount of outrage from these wingnuts over making someone show ID to buy Sudafed as I've heard over having an ID to vote.
      I suppose next thing they'll want is for people to show ID to get an abortion.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, I think maybe her cerebrospinal fluid is actually augmented with injections of hydrogen peroxide.

  24. HarryButtle

    In the old days, women didn't need fancy allergy medications, they used aspirin. Yup, they just shoved one up each nostril.

  25. DaRooster

    Damn richers with their big bucks "Sudafed" and their "dogs with ass worms"… sheesh.

    Gimme a jug of Old Grand Dad and a couple of moles and I'm good… moles have fur not hair and they give you that luxurious feel without the big bucks.

  26. FakaktaSouth

    Imagine how terrible it must feel for a person who is so needy, so pathetic, so cravenly desperate to set themselves apart from the fact that they are just another person on this planet, and not in fact special – to feel all of this so much that you need to listen to people like Gretchen Carlson talk about her beach pass so you can feel included in her exclusivity. Gretch makes a lot of money and the baseball agent she is married to is a multi multi millionaire. She would NEVER really speak to the basic Fox idiot who cleaves to her image so tightly in person in a billion years. But letting these identity voters have whatever TV channel makes them feel better would be easier to take if they weren't messing with my ability to just get through the freaking day without being annoyed (much less what they want to do to actual humans with their evil policies).

    1. prommie

      But, but, faktata, I wish I was special, I want to be special, so very special
      But I'm a freak, I'm a wierdo . . . . . .

        1. prommie

          You and me both. But that dude that sings it, he really is a freak, eyes are all not the same and stuff. Like he's from the Brit version of Deliverance.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Nah, just the ones who look like Thom York, especially if they've had a baby with someone from the Ozarks. Radiohead singer – eye is the first thing that comes up on the google for the poor dude, like "Every Republican Candidate" and Gay.

          2. prommie

            Lovely chatting with you ladies, but the clock is about to chime 5 here, and I don't belong here at work, either, not any longer than is absolutely necessary!

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Baby, I've always known I'm just a workday distraction for you…sigh…have a good night, and think of me often when they say Alabama on the newz…

          4. prommie

            Actually, I don't know my password and don't know how to sign in at night, true fact! Otherwise you would distract me into the gin-sozzled evening hours.

          5. prommie

            Sneakers in the Cathedrals, too, I am ashamed of my countrymen. All the more reason, I don't belong here.

          6. prommie

            What I notice when I am away from the US and among furriners for a time, and then I return, is the complaining. Put 5 US amurricans together, and they commence to bitch and whine, some turn to the room like they think they are on a sitcom or something and do a set speech. Everyone is a whiny standup, like so many Seinfelds, its so undignified.

          7. Limeylizzie

            I have known some of the most wonderful people in America and also some of the most vile.

          8. FakaktaSouth

            How about Minnesotans in speedos in Cozumel? (I saw that my own self) Americans in Disney World? Or just Americans? I ain't saying shit.

  27. Designer_Rants

    I don't get it. Is she forit? or aginnit? Voter fraud, I mean. Or voter ID laws. Or ah who cares what Wretched Carlson's butt worms are making her brain parasites say today.

  28. Antispandex

    Sudafed…of course! That's the problem we should be worrying about. And worms, dirty nasty worms. Geeze, I feel better now that I know what the REAL enemy is.

  29. prommie

    She seems to be a sort of Nancy Grace-Lite, but somehow I find her almost fuckable. But I definitely would find it hard to masturbate to this photo.

  30. MissTaken

    I heard that under ObamaCare I won't be able to buy a Sudafed without first showing my Abortion Of The Month membership card.

      1. MissTaken

        Knee aspirin's only covered under SantorumCare. And only if I show up wearing the same dress as my doll.

  31. MarionNYNY

    So they commit voter fraud in order to show that committing voter fraud is possible? Excuse me, I'm going to go beat up and mug an old man to show that we need more cops on the street.

    1. Rotundo_

      Perhaps the 'do but not the breasts, Markie had a magnificent rack. Truly magnificent, Gretchie-Poo is at least a letter or two away if not more.

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    This is the reason I stopped going to that Newshounds site, too much outrage-inducement. These people, I swear.

  33. ph7

    I'd love to be in the Fox producers morning meeting when they dream up the shit for the day to feed to Gretchen and Doocy, who in turn feed it to the old whites and the paranoid stay at home soccer moms.

    I mean, you know they know better (the producers – not Gretchen and Doocy).. You know theyjust sit back and think "how outrageous can we make it, but still suck them in?

    A friend of mine worked for AOL in 1998 heydey – his job was reporting on the World Wrestling Federation for the AOL WWF site. The WWF producers called their fans "gerbils" and sat and dreamed up how stupid they could make the show to keep they coming back for more. These producers were smart people, packaging a product to be sold to dummies. It is an art form.

  34. Generation[redacted]

    Is she suggesting that health care is a basic right, like voting?

    Careful, that talk will get you fired from Faux Noise.

  35. Chet Kincaid

    I don't know what's wrong with Gretchen Carlson and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, but apparently blondes have no fucking fun whatsoever. Their frowny, trollop-caked faces and wind-up rectitude steal the joy from children.

    1. Rotundo_

      Their hair color is as fake as their smiley faces they put on when the "right guests" appear with them. Their particular flavor of nasty is borne of entitlement and feeling above the little people. But they really do steal the joy from children, just not their own. Then again…

  36. FlownOver

    Rest assured, Gretchen, anyone who demands an ID from you to prove you're of age is just jerkin' the jerk. The next time you'll need your ID to prove your age is in about twelve years when you sign up for Medicare – unless you've been successful killing it off by then.

  37. teebob2000

    Watching Fox News is like watching bizarro world news. Everything is fucking backwards!!!

    These onerous state laws passed nearly universally by Republican legislatures to require IDs are designed to create a barrier to voting for traditionally-Democratic voters such as minorities and students? Why, no!! These are radical decisions by Eric Holder's Justice Department designed to please interest groups like the NAACP ahead of the 2012 election and to get "the right kind of voter for your political interests" (read: the blacks and browns!!!!).

    Voter ID laws would create a burden on poorer citizens who might not be able to get to a location to obtain an ID (dozens of TX counties don't even have their own DMV office)? Why, no!! It's disgraceful!! It confines the blacks and browns to permanent second-class status because they CAN'T RENT A MOVIE!!

    Republicans are passing these laws now in order to go into effect in time for the 2012 elections? Why, no!! The LEFT has taken this up as an issue ahead of the election!

    Voting is a sacred civil right that people fought and died for and should be preserved as an open and fair system? Why, no!! It's just like buying Sudafed!

  38. elviouslyqueer

    *hides icepick and watches video*

    Um, Mr. Adams? It is not, repeat NOT, a "tragedy" that these Voter ID laws are getting overturned. A tragedy is something along the lines of a horrible earthquake/tsunami double-double in Japan. A tragedy is when Donald Trump Jr. doesn't get trepanned for being a horrible heartless fucking bastard. A tragedy is not so much your smug, obnoxious fatuousness, but the fact that you haven't been taken out to a field and sodomized with an overripe watermelon. These things, Mr. Adams, are examples of "tragedy." Please educate yourself, and STFU, you asshole.

  39. randcoolcatdaddy

    BoingBoing recently featured a link to a scientific paper that showed how to take crystal meth and turn it into Sudafed since, you know, crystal meth is so much easier to obtain than Sudafed.

  40. Deportably_Jose

    Remember, ladies shouldn't be allowed to buy hormonal contraception without paying for it twice and automatic pharmacist and employer veto power anyways, and also, people need to show ID in order to VOTE, because we really need to worry about the epidemic of voting whilst black or poor voter fraud, but GOD FORBID the GOV'MINT mildly stymie my CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to cook meth buy a middle-of-the-pack decongestant.

    Also, TSA pat-downs are crazy invasive and unnecessary, unlike government-mandated vaginal probes with no medical indication.

  41. Toomush_Infer

    J. Christian Adams: Hahahahahahahahahahahahah…whew!….pretty sure the J stands for Juggernaut, being such an intellectual giant and all, hahahahahahahahahah……whew!….

  42. Redhead

    "She doesn’t seem like a meth monster to us, but maybe she don’t get high on her own supply. "

    I dunno, those are some meth eyes if I ever saw 'em.

  43. swordfis

    FYI (Wiki): Adams was hired in 2005 by then-Civil Rights Division political appointee Bradley Schlozman, who was later found by the Civil Rights Division's Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility to have violated civil service rules by improperly taking political and ideological affiliations into account when making career attorney hires.[4]

    Adams was supervised by Civil Rights Division attorney Christopher Coates, who stepped down as chief of the voting division in December 2009 amid controversy over the dropping of the voter intimidation case.[5] Adams operates the Election Law Center blog.[6] Adam's allegations of racial bias in the Justice Department were described as "fantasies" by vice chairwoman of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, Abigail Thernstrom;[7] Thernstrom found the Justice Department arguments that different lawyers disagreed over whether to prosecute the "perfectly plausible" given that "after months of hearings, testimony and investigation, no one has produced any actual evidence that any voters were too scared to cast their ballots.".[8]

    1. fuflans

      well see, it WAS all work in those placid ivy covered ivy league type walls.

      but that was then.

      now i live in the sweet sweet confines of ravenswood and it is nothing but $1 abortions and booze for breakfast and SOMETIMES we get to andersonville which is just dirty dirty swedes.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        I put in my 8 years in Lakeview in the '90s, with jaunts to the Uptown Poetry Abortions at the Green Mill, Too Much Light Aborts The Baby in Andersonville, and the old and new HQs of the Old Town School Of Folk Abortions in Old Town and Lincoln Square. Good times!

  44. MilwaukeeKent

    Hope everyone understands that the only purpose of Voter ID is to suppress Democratic voter turnout by about 1,2,3% by putting an extra hurdle in front of the very poor. Cases of actual voter fraud are something like 1 in a million, and are as likely to be Republicans as Democrats. I'm sure Fox went on to "balance" this with another conservative offering a whole new list of reasons in favor of voter ID.
    Gretchen, the "Startled Doe" look used to be considered a sign of bad plastic surgery, but I understand, it's now considered fashionable among Conservatve women. What is it with that?

  45. lulzmonger

    If the rumors of Murdoch's hiring process for lady-anchors is true, Gretchen Carlson can probably suck the rivets off a submarine cruising fifty fathoms deep from a trawler on the surface.

    That is all.

  46. ttommyunger

    Gretchen has the desperate look of a woman in need of a good Missouri Horse-Fucking. You know she ain't getting it from her Sports Agent hubby who is no doubt too tired after a hard day at work fucking his clients. And Kneel Boortz? Trust me, nobody knows ass-worms like Kneel Boortz, and yes, I can spell.

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