mcabortion

Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People

Only valid for abortions not based on race or sex. Some exceptions.Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of the more comical subsections (which Obama probably buried on p. 61803399) will bring a modern, funky sensibility to modern medicine by offering consumer-patients Value Menu-pricing on…. abortions. This makes sense, because…. ??? Well, we tried taking mushrooms and then wandering into the forest, to see what answers Gaia could offer up. None were forthcoming.

Via fearless chronicler of the right-wing Roy Edroso comes this dispatch from LifeNews (cute):

As a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill informed LifeNews, as authorized by Obamacare, “the final rule provides for taxpayer funding of insurance coverage that includes elective abortion” and the change to longstanding law prohibiting virtually all direct taxpayer funding of abortions (the Hyde Amendment) is accomplished through an accounting arrangement described in the Affordable Care Act and reiterated in the final rule issued today.

“To comply with the accounting requirement, plans will collect a $1 abortion surcharge from each premium payer,” the pro-life source informed LifeNews. “The enrollee will make two payments, $1 per month for abortion and another payment for the rest of the services covered. As described in the rule, the surcharge can only be disclosed to the enrollee at the time of enrollment. Furthermore, insurance plans may only advertise the total cost of the premiums without disclosing that enrollees will be charged a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

This stupid accounting trick is shockingly being translated in some corners as “Everyone Will Pay for $1 Abortions Under Obamacare.” IF ONLY, RIGHT, LADIES?

Turn to Edroso for a careful analysis of the implicated subsection. Or, if you prefer, join us in cursing Henry Hyde and the mistress he rode in on. [DecisionHealth Daily]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Are they going to offer a special "2 for 1" deal? What about a punchcard? Buy 9, get the 10th free?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'll take five, please.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "One. One dollar. One dollar fetus gooone…."

  • FNMA

    Abortions for a buck! (Checks wallet.) I'll take two!

    • Baconzgood

      DAMN YOU!

    • An_Outhouse

      Get in line, Romney.

  • Callyson

    One dollar? I'm holding out for the 3 – for – $2 special.

  • MissTaken

    I already get all my abortions at the Dollar Tree so this is not a discount for me.

    • memzilla

      Yeah, but you're paying sales tax there, so this way you get a 6% discount.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Or their biggest competitor, Family Planning Dollar.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Humph! What? No love for "Dollar Family Planning"???

        • HistoriCat

          I hear they've really gone downhill – the service is terrible these days.

          • tessiee

            ^^
            ^
            They've got to be better than Duggar Family Planning.

        • Biff

          Splitter!

          • horsedreamer_1

            If they hadn't split the legs, there'd be no need for abortion.

    • deelzebub

      Seriously!?! Fuck! The one I had ate up all my Christmas money. Four hundred something dollars. That's fetus better have been as cute as the Kate Spade I had my eye on.

  • memzilla

    Will the abortions come with S&H Green Stamps? I could totally use a new 10-speed.

  • zedbot

    Cool! What with McDonalds taking fries off their Dollar Menu, I'll be able to afford 3 or 4 abortions a month now!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Peel the sticker on your fries, and your abortion could be FREE!

    • Biff

      Don't it fucking figure. That commie socialist muslin Obamar is gonna ration healthcare, except for abortions, no limit, no license.

  • Lucidamente1

    I thought they only took Sacagawea dollars.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And for the queen-size ladies, payment must be made with the Eisenhower dollar, the size of a manhole cover. http://www.coinfacts.com/silver_dollars/eisenhowe

      • SorosBot

        I've got one of those! Never spent it, just kept it as desk decoration.

    • GOPCrusher

      Susan B. Anthony looks seriously pissed in the picture at the top.

      • tessiee

        Maybe she read the article.

  • meatlofer

    Do you get a "Bakers Dozen" for 12 bucks?

  • Baconzgood

    I'll take ten *holds out a saw buck*.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd buy that for a dollar!!!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere an abortion is happening.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well played!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Back in the comparatively lighthearted days of Walnuts attempting to ply my lady parts vote with a biologically similar model in the form of Sister Palin, I fought back by having a T-shirt printed reading: Sane, American Vaginas for Obama. I wore it for a laugh on election day.

    Who would have thought that 4 years later, I'd be digging it out for another reason entirely. One step forward; a hundred years back.

    • James Michael Curley

      But was that T-Shirt 'clean and articulate'?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Obviously has to be a "Susie" because Sacajawea bore a child.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    These fuckers could stand to have a dollar enema.

    • OneDollarJuana

      A Fistful of Dollars.

  • Lucidamente1

    How much will it cost in Ameros?

  • x111e7thst

    Can I pay for my dollar abortion with whore diamonds?

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Or by posting amateur videos of that unwanted conception? Or will Rush create a fund?

  • Antispandex

    Crap! You're kidding! That's cheaper than a gallon of gas…at it's cheapest! I'm gonna go get me an abortion…no, wait…DAMN IT!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Obama wants to make cars that run on aborted babies!!!!!!

      • MissTaken

        Well, aborted babies ARE a renewable resource.

      • GOPCrusher

        STOP USING OUR FOOD FOR FUEL!

        • deelzebub

          ExxonMobil will never allow your modest proposal to come to fruition, man….did you know someone invented a car that runs on water?

          I miss hippies since I moved off a college campus.

          • tessiee

            "I heard the cigarette companies have already copyrighted brand names."

  • Goonemeritus

    Why can’t these women get their naughty bits serviced at Wal-Mart and leave the tax payers alone?

    • Lucidamente1

      Or Costco, if you want the jumbo size.

      • Baconzgood

        I was thinking Grease Monkey.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, it's obvious. They should go to Dollar General.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillatte

    Sounds like Abortionplex is gonna be just like a Sam's Club, but for Libruls.

  • memzilla

    Next Wing Nut Daily Headline:

    "George Soros To Fund 246 Billion Abortions."

  • Baconzgood

    "a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill"

    I've seen that dude. He use to sleep at Franklin School on K and smells like cheap booze. I think he has mental problems.

  • vodkamuppet

    "Can I get fries with that?"

  • SorosBot

    All right; it really is abortion party time again, people! So which of the ladies are ready to get knocked up to provide the fetuses for our all-you-can-eat fetus buffet? I think I'll have some of the deep fat fried fetus first myself; they're good with a nice cold beer with infusion of placenta.

    • memzilla

      Would you like that with amniotic fluid on the side, sir, or served au jus?

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        EW. That is just gross.

        ALWAYS serve it in a reduction. God, you're boorish.

        • tessiee

          Over risotto.
          And garnished with a sprig of fresh fennel?
          Perfect!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Down here in South Texas, we'll be serving up the fajeetus and refried beans, on flour tortillas.

    • MissTaken

      I like to pair my fusilli fetus with a fruit-forward zinfandel.

      • SorosBot

        If you want to get fancy, we can make some fresh fetus tortellini in a nice red wine sauce.

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          Sounds like a rare opportunity to serve a Willamette Valley pinor noir. And in this case, the 'noir won't be the only thing with "legs" at the table.

        • Steverino247

          Next on the Aborting Gourmet: SorosBot whips up some fresh fetus tortellini and MissTaken discusses which wine to serve with various fetal dishes.

          (Then after the show they fuck like minks and make another fetus for next week's program!)

    • tessiee

      Placenta polenta is a nice side dish for just about anything.
      Or for those who like ethnic foods, fetus felafel.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Uterissoto.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    That's cheaper than the abortion we got our cat!

    Humans make out so great in this country!

    • redarmyzombie

      True story, when my cat came down with gout, our vet said that if he didn't get better, they'd have to perform a sex-change operation on him.

      • deelzebub

        Was your vet named Dr. Nick?

    • tessiee

      "Humans make out so great in this country!"

      Especially poor people; they get free handouts for *everything*!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if the abortions are only a dollar, how the fuck can they complain? It's not like the cost of an F-35 or something.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      You would think that the gummint could charge a $500 sin tax. We could wipe out the debt this way! FISCAL MANAGEMENT, TEABAGGERS — WE HAZ IT

  • BornInATrailer

    I wonder if Wendy's will offer them on the value menu as a healthy alternative to adoption?

  • ttommyunger

    When did Santorum's wife get on the Dollar?

  • Wilcoxyz

    Ok fundies, gives us the free births control or we'll roll with the $1-abortionpalooza. It's on y'all, bitches! What's it gonna be?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    This will make holiday gift giving tough??? Do I give females a $20 iTunes card or a $20 Federal Abortion Card?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      That's only 20 months worth of abortions, cheapass.

  • kissawookiee

    If I act now can I get not one but TWO abortions for my dollar, plus the mini magic fetus roller (perfect for purse or car), if I only pay separate S&H? Because I really want a new mini magic fetus roller. The old one didn't rinse nearly as cleanly as the commercial would have you believe.

    • tessiee

      Wait till next year, if you possibly can. Apple is coming out with a new model fetus phone.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    There are lots of bargains out there. I'll bet you could buy an ad on Rush Limbaugh's show for a dollar. Or a photo op with Newt Gingrich. (Women can sit on his lap for no extra charge!) Or be a true job creator — buy something made in America.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      uh, ads on Rush are all free now. And even that's not good enough for the Heart Association.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Twofer Tuesday?

  • coolhandnuke

    "And they'll be showing free Michael Moore movies at that abortionplex."

  • Baconzgood

    Is it just me, or is today a really nutty day in the news cycle?

    • SorosBot

      No, from most of today's posts its seems to be more ovary day in the news cycle; which is kind of the reverse of nutty.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Yes, today seems to be Ovary Day! That's an eggcellent observation.

        • Baconzgood

          HAHAHA. He fundus Chet.

        • SorosBot

          Yes, it does seem to be a fertile point of discussion today.

      • MadBrahms

        Today, the internet is a series of fallopian tubes.

        • deelzebub

          WIN

        • tessiee

          Administered by a cervix provider.

    • vodkamuppet

      I can't even tell anymore.

    • Redhead

      Full moon was about four or five days ago, I believe.

      Draw your own conclusions.

  • Doktor Zoom

    OK, so by this point in the day it would just feel like spamming to include that link to that one essay anymore, but, hell, if anyone's interested, it's in my comment history.

    Fuck these anti-woman fucks.

  • MissTaken

    Dammit! Just last night I paid $2 for an abortion. When will I learn that the abortions will be on the sale rack if I just wait a few days??

    • Baconzgood

      You'll be really pissed to hear this but there was also a .75 coupon in Sunday's news paper. With tomorrow being "Double Day" you would have got you're abortion and then Planned Parenthood would have GIVEN you fifty cents. You gotta be thrifty.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Tell me you at least got the transvaginal wanding for your cadillac abortion?

  • Antispandex

    BTW, these are the Wonkette bits I love to share on facebook. It makes me soooo popular with my insane in-laws (who still accuse me of brainwashing their daughter).

    • MissTaken

      You're amongst friends here, you can admit you did brainwash her. Between giving her orgasms and snarky pillow-talk there was no way she could resist your power.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    If you can't afford the $1 abortion, will financial assistance will be available for the college fund?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    A dollar? Damn inflation. Back in the day a nickel would buy you an abortion, a steak-and-kidney pie, a cup of coffee, and a newsreel, and you'd still have enough left over to ride the trolley all the way from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.

    I think this may be all the snark I have in me today. I've been reading the other stories and just getting a big damn headache.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Men would tie a fetus to their wives, which was the style at the time.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Did you call the nickels "bumblebees?"

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      It does please me that people picked up the Simpsons reference.

      • Baconzgood

        I have a feeling you're in Simpsons country on Wonkette.

        • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

          The Simpsons and Blazing Saddles are the two things I think virtually all Wonketteers are familiar with.

          • Baconzgood

            And Spinal tap.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Zappa and Monty Python, too.

    • deelzebub

      Grandma, is that you?

  • freakishlywrong

    Can any of these lame-ass fuckers talk about jerbs and the economy fer fuck's sake?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      You would think they'd be like, "HE ONLY created two hundred thousand jobs last month. What a sissy! If Mitt were in charge, he would have created a million!"

  • BarackMyWorld

    Mr. Pickle's Fun Time Abortion Clinics: We'll bring out the kid in ya!

    • GOPCrusher

      Saint Mary's Abortion Clinic: No Fetus can beat us! You fuck em, we'll suck em.

  • CapnFatback

    You know what's next, don't you? Replacing George on the one dollar bill will be a picture of bare legs in stirrups jutting from a gown. Then the word "dollar" will be dropped altogether. "Anyone got change for an abortion?" we'll all ask. "I need to tip the doctor."

  • Doktor Zoom

    Quoth Edroso in the linked article, "We've gone back to the rule itself, and we believe the charitable explanation is that the sources have misapprehended what the rule says."

    Well, yes. Just as the people who screamed about DEATH PANELS ZOMG!!!!!! simply "misapprehended" the proposed coverage for doctors talking to patients about living wills and such.

    • Redhead

      "charitable explanation" sounds vaguely sochialist. Gethur hands offa my explainin'!

  • An_Outhouse

    Is there some kind of limit? like one abortion per month? one abortion per day? What if you have sex all day long? Rush wants to know.

    • anniegetyerfun

      She has so much sex that she can't afford an abortion every time!

      • tessiee

        That's why she has to take so many of those pills.

  • Doktor Zoom

    ALSO, OBA-MAO WILL FORCE ALL OF US TO WEAR AN ONION ON OUR BELT AT ALL TIMES! BECAUSE THAT IS THE FASCIST IN THESE DAYS!!!!

    • DahBoner

      Don't get me started about the $1 ferry rides to Shelbyville…

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    That sound you hear is the cack-a-lacka-phony of a b'zillion whine'taaards still nursing their bitter disappointment in Breitbart's self-aborted "scoop" on Barry.

  • MissTaken

    Can we ask the "knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill" if the Dollar Menu abortion comes with ketchup and mustard or do I have to pay extra for those?

    • SorosBot

      These are fancy-pants elitist Obama abortions; even the discount ones come with a nice béarnaise sauce.

      • GOPCrusher

        Excuse me. Do you have any grey poupon?

  • metamarcisf

    If I only want the abortions and not the health care, can I just pay a dollar?

  • Guppy

    I feel we need "Wonkette Rules for Editing Radicals."

    Among the rules would be finding a way to avoid having stories of $1 abortions sponsored by the $1 Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan.

    Just sayin'.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Big deal. According to the Catholic church, Rick Santorum, and a whole bunch of wingnuts, private enterprise has been servin' up "dollar abortions" for years.

    They're called condoms. Eye of the beholder.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Eye of the beholder" is slang for the reservoir tip?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Along with this I suggest punchcards. Buy nine abortions get one free.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Because only Democrats will use 'em, would we call 'em "donkey-punch" cards?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Neil Young said it best

    Find the cost of fetus, buried in the ground
    Mother earth will swallow you, lay your dollar down

    • ph7

      Well, Obama hands you a nickel
      He hands you a dime
      He asks you with a grin
      If you’re havin’ a good time
      Then he imposes an indiviudal mandate every time you slam some whore
      I ain’t gonna work for Uncle Sammy's Dollar Abortionplex no more

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Back in my day, coathangers were only a nickel.

    • GOPCrusher

      And condoms were a quarter.

      • tessiee

        ^^
        ^
        "Gimme five coathangers for a condom", you'd say.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I will admit I am confused by this, but it is too hard to try and figure out what they are saying is happening in order to figure out how pathetically stupid and wrong it is. But as far as I can tell, this sounds like I thing I probably WISH we were really doing. I may just drink all afternoon – it's spring break AND stuper-tuesday in Bama – I'm WAY behind already.

    • tessiee

      "a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

      It sounds to me like everybody's dollar will be going into a pool, more or less what happens with all of everybody's money for *any* kind of insurance, which is where insurance companies get money from on the rare occasions that they pay out claims.

      Of course, there's also the distinct possibility the forced pregnancy wingnuts are lying out their collective ass, in which case I wouldn't be too worried about understanding anything they're saying.

  • Franknflower

    At that price, who doesn't want to get an abortion?

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm having trouble NOT scheduling one!

    • MadBrahms

      I want one, and I don't even have a uterus!

    • tessiee

      I'm going to get pregnant with a girl-type fetus, so that my fetus can have an abortion, too!

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        uh, that costs $2, ya know. Just sayin, yer gonna want a dollar menu ice cream cone on the way home.

        • tessiee

          Fetusina and I are going on Two-Fer-Tuesday; so we can get two abortions for the price of one.
          But yeah, definitely ice cream after.

  • piker62

    They can say all they want, but so far I've been pretty happy with the Death Panels. I cleared away a lot of old junk from around the house, if you know what I mean.

  • MadBrahms

    This month is going to be so profitable for Snopes.

    • tessiee

      Well, of *course* it is, *they're* in on the liberal conspiracy, too!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "Here is your receipt. And…if you take the online survey, you will be entered into a drawing for a chance at 5000 free abortions."

  • ingloriousbytch

    "As a knowledgeable pro-life source …"

    Yeah….I'm gonna stop you right there.

  • chascates

    "Would you like to supersize your order and add a breast enhancement?"

  • carlgt1

    next they'll be claiming Margaret Sanger will be replacing George Washington on the dollar bill….

  • freddymcmurray

    Addition of the susan b anthony dollar to this story is genius.

    one dollar, one dollar, one dollar… how much for that gun? four dollars. how much for that abortion? one dollar.

  • fuflans

    i need a dollar, dollar, dollar is what i need.

    so THAT'S what aloe blacc was singing about.

  • crybabyboehner

    This is useful information.

    Next time a hobo asks for two bucks for a cup of coffee I will say, "No but I will give you one dollar for an abortion!"

  • poncho_pilot

    now if only i could run my car on feti…

  • DahBoner

    Planet Fitness will have to add an Abortion station…