MCABORTION  2:25 pm March 13, 2012

Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People

by Kaia Mursi

Only valid for abortions not based on race or sex. Some exceptions.Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of the more comical subsections (which Obama probably buried on p. 61803399) will bring a modern, funky sensibility to modern medicine by offering consumer-patients Value Menu-pricing on…. abortions. This makes sense, because…. ??? Well, we tried taking mushrooms and then wandering into the forest, to see what answers Gaia could offer up. None were forthcoming.

Via fearless chronicler of the right-wing Roy Edroso comes this dispatch from LifeNews (cute):

As a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill informed LifeNews, as authorized by Obamacare, “the final rule provides for taxpayer funding of insurance coverage that includes elective abortion” and the change to longstanding law prohibiting virtually all direct taxpayer funding of abortions (the Hyde Amendment) is accomplished through an accounting arrangement described in the Affordable Care Act and reiterated in the final rule issued today.

“To comply with the accounting requirement, plans will collect a $1 abortion surcharge from each premium payer,” the pro-life source informed LifeNews. “The enrollee will make two payments, $1 per month for abortion and another payment for the rest of the services covered. As described in the rule, the surcharge can only be disclosed to the enrollee at the time of enrollment. Furthermore, insurance plans may only advertise the total cost of the premiums without disclosing that enrollees will be charged a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

This stupid accounting trick is shockingly being translated in some corners as “Everyone Will Pay for $1 Abortions Under Obamacare.” IF ONLY, RIGHT, LADIES?

Turn to Edroso for a careful analysis of the implicated subsection. Or, if you prefer, join us in cursing Henry Hyde and the mistress he rode in on. [DecisionHealth Daily]

 
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{ 153 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] March 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Are they going to offer a special "2 for 1" deal? What about a punchcard? Buy 9, get the 10th free?

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I'll take five, please.

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

"One. One dollar. One dollar fetus gooone…."

FNMA March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Abortions for a buck! (Checks wallet.) I'll take two!

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

DAMN YOU!

An_Outhouse March 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Get in line, Romney.

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

One dollar? I'm holding out for the 3 – for – $2 special.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I already get all my abortions at the Dollar Tree so this is not a discount for me.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Yeah, but you're paying sales tax there, so this way you get a 6% discount.

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Or their biggest competitor, Family Planning Dollar.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Humph! What? No love for "Dollar Family Planning"???

HistoriCat March 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I hear they've really gone downhill – the service is terrible these days.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:39 pm

^^
^
They've got to be better than Duggar Family Planning.

Biff March 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Splitter!

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 9:40 pm

If they hadn't split the legs, there'd be no need for abortion.

deelzebub March 13, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Seriously!?! Fuck! The one I had ate up all my Christmas money. Four hundred something dollars. That's fetus better have been as cute as the Kate Spade I had my eye on.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Will the abortions come with S&H Green Stamps? I could totally use a new 10-speed.

zedbot March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Cool! What with McDonalds taking fries off their Dollar Menu, I'll be able to afford 3 or 4 abortions a month now!

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Peel the sticker on your fries, and your abortion could be FREE!

Biff March 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Don't it fucking figure. That commie socialist muslin Obamar is gonna ration healthcare, except for abortions, no limit, no license.

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I thought they only took Sacagawea dollars.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

And for the queen-size ladies, payment must be made with the Eisenhower dollar, the size of a manhole cover. http://www.coinfacts.com/silver_dollars/eisenhowe

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I've got one of those! Never spent it, just kept it as desk decoration.

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Susan B. Anthony looks seriously pissed in the picture at the top.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Maybe she read the article.

meatlofer March 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Do you get a "Bakers Dozen" for 12 bucks?

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I'll take ten *holds out a saw buck*.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'd buy that for a dollar!!!

slowhansolo March 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere an abortion is happening.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Well played!

CogitoErgoBibo March 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Back in the comparatively lighthearted days of Walnuts attempting to ply my lady parts vote with a biologically similar model in the form of Sister Palin, I fought back by having a T-shirt printed reading: Sane, American Vaginas for Obama. I wore it for a laugh on election day.

Who would have thought that 4 years later, I'd be digging it out for another reason entirely. One step forward; a hundred years back.

James Michael Curley March 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

But was that T-Shirt 'clean and articulate'?

OneDollarJuana March 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Obviously has to be a "Susie" because Sacajawea bore a child.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

These fuckers could stand to have a dollar enema.

OneDollarJuana March 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

A Fistful of Dollars.

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

How much will it cost in Ameros?

x111e7thst March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Can I pay for my dollar abortion with whore diamonds?

NorthStarSpanx March 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Or by posting amateur videos of that unwanted conception? Or will Rush create a fund?

Antispandex March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Crap! You're kidding! That's cheaper than a gallon of gas…at it's cheapest! I'm gonna go get me an abortion…no, wait…DAMN IT!

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Obama wants to make cars that run on aborted babies!!!!!!

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Well, aborted babies ARE a renewable resource.

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

STOP USING OUR FOOD FOR FUEL!

deelzebub March 13, 2012 at 8:59 pm

ExxonMobil will never allow your modest proposal to come to fruition, man….did you know someone invented a car that runs on water?

I miss hippies since I moved off a college campus.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:43 pm

"I heard the cigarette companies have already copyrighted brand names."

Goonemeritus March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Why can’t these women get their naughty bits serviced at Wal-Mart and leave the tax payers alone?

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Or Costco, if you want the jumbo size.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I was thinking Grease Monkey.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

No, it's obvious. They should go to Dollar General.

Chillatte March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Sounds like Abortionplex is gonna be just like a Sam's Club, but for Libruls.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Next Wing Nut Daily Headline:

"George Soros To Fund 246 Billion Abortions."

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill"

I've seen that dude. He use to sleep at Franklin School on K and smells like cheap booze. I think he has mental problems.

vodkamuppet March 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

"Can I get fries with that?"

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

All right; it really is abortion party time again, people! So which of the ladies are ready to get knocked up to provide the fetuses for our all-you-can-eat fetus buffet? I think I'll have some of the deep fat fried fetus first myself; they're good with a nice cold beer with infusion of placenta.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Would you like that with amniotic fluid on the side, sir, or served au jus?

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 3:06 pm

EW. That is just gross.

ALWAYS serve it in a reduction. God, you're boorish.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Over risotto.
And garnished with a sprig of fresh fennel?
Perfect!

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Down here in South Texas, we'll be serving up the fajeetus and refried beans, on flour tortillas.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I like to pair my fusilli fetus with a fruit-forward zinfandel.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

If you want to get fancy, we can make some fresh fetus tortellini in a nice red wine sauce.

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Sounds like a rare opportunity to serve a Willamette Valley pinor noir. And in this case, the 'noir won't be the only thing with "legs" at the table.

Steverino247 March 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Next on the Aborting Gourmet: SorosBot whips up some fresh fetus tortellini and MissTaken discusses which wine to serve with various fetal dishes.

(Then after the show they fuck like minks and make another fetus for next week's program!)

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Placenta polenta is a nice side dish for just about anything.
Or for those who like ethnic foods, fetus felafel.

KeepFnThatChicken March 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

Uterissoto.

johnnyzhivago March 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

That's cheaper than the abortion we got our cat!

Humans make out so great in this country!

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

True story, when my cat came down with gout, our vet said that if he didn't get better, they'd have to perform a sex-change operation on him.

deelzebub March 13, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Was your vet named Dr. Nick?

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:48 pm

"Humans make out so great in this country!"

Especially poor people; they get free handouts for *everything*!

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Well, if the abortions are only a dollar, how the fuck can they complain? It's not like the cost of an F-35 or something.

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

You would think that the gummint could charge a $500 sin tax. We could wipe out the debt this way! FISCAL MANAGEMENT, TEABAGGERS — WE HAZ IT

BornInATrailer March 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I wonder if Wendy's will offer them on the value menu as a healthy alternative to adoption?

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

When did Santorum's wife get on the Dollar?

Wilcoxyz March 13, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Ok fundies, gives us the free births control or we'll roll with the $1-abortionpalooza. It's on y'all, bitches! What's it gonna be?

johnnyzhivago March 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

This will make holiday gift giving tough??? Do I give females a $20 iTunes card or a $20 Federal Abortion Card?

Designer_Rants March 13, 2012 at 11:31 pm

That's only 20 months worth of abortions, cheapass.

kissawookiee March 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

If I act now can I get not one but TWO abortions for my dollar, plus the mini magic fetus roller (perfect for purse or car), if I only pay separate S&H? Because I really want a new mini magic fetus roller. The old one didn't rinse nearly as cleanly as the commercial would have you believe.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Wait till next year, if you possibly can. Apple is coming out with a new model fetus phone.

JustPixelz March 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

There are lots of bargains out there. I'll bet you could buy an ad on Rush Limbaugh's show for a dollar. Or a photo op with Newt Gingrich. (Women can sit on his lap for no extra charge!) Or be a true job creator — buy something made in America.

Designer_Rants March 13, 2012 at 11:32 pm

uh, ads on Rush are all free now. And even that's not good enough for the Heart Association.

Clancy_Pants March 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Twofer Tuesday?

coolhandnuke March 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"And they'll be showing free Michael Moore movies at that abortionplex."

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Is it just me, or is today a really nutty day in the news cycle?

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

No, from most of today's posts its seems to be more ovary day in the news cycle; which is kind of the reverse of nutty.

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Yes, today seems to be Ovary Day! That's an eggcellent observation.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

HAHAHA. He fundus Chet.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Yes, it does seem to be a fertile point of discussion today.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Today, the internet is a series of fallopian tubes.

deelzebub March 13, 2012 at 8:47 pm

WIN

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Administered by a cervix provider.

vodkamuppet March 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I can't even tell anymore.

Redhead March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Full moon was about four or five days ago, I believe.

Draw your own conclusions.

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

OK, so by this point in the day it would just feel like spamming to include that link to that one essay anymore, but, hell, if anyone's interested, it's in my comment history.

Fuck these anti-woman fucks.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Dammit! Just last night I paid $2 for an abortion. When will I learn that the abortions will be on the sale rack if I just wait a few days??

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

You'll be really pissed to hear this but there was also a .75 coupon in Sunday's news paper. With tomorrow being "Double Day" you would have got you're abortion and then Planned Parenthood would have GIVEN you fifty cents. You gotta be thrifty.

Designer_Rants March 13, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Tell me you at least got the transvaginal wanding for your cadillac abortion?

Antispandex March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

BTW, these are the Wonkette bits I love to share on facebook. It makes me soooo popular with my insane in-laws (who still accuse me of brainwashing their daughter).

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You're amongst friends here, you can admit you did brainwash her. Between giving her orgasms and snarky pillow-talk there was no way she could resist your power.

SheriffRoscoe March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

If you can't afford the $1 abortion, will financial assistance will be available for the college fund?

imissopus March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

A dollar? Damn inflation. Back in the day a nickel would buy you an abortion, a steak-and-kidney pie, a cup of coffee, and a newsreel, and you'd still have enough left over to ride the trolley all the way from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.

I think this may be all the snark I have in me today. I've been reading the other stories and just getting a big damn headache.

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Men would tie a fetus to their wives, which was the style at the time.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Did you call the nickels "bumblebees?"

imissopus March 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

It does please me that people picked up the Simpsons reference.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I have a feeling you're in Simpsons country on Wonkette.

gurukalehuru March 13, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The Simpsons and Blazing Saddles are the two things I think virtually all Wonketteers are familiar with.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

And Spinal tap.

deelzebub March 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Grandma, is that you?

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Can any of these lame-ass fuckers talk about jerbs and the economy fer fuck's sake?

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 3:24 pm

You would think they'd be like, "HE ONLY created two hundred thousand jobs last month. What a sissy! If Mitt were in charge, he would have created a million!"

BarackMyWorld March 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Mr. Pickle's Fun Time Abortion Clinics: We'll bring out the kid in ya!

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Saint Mary's Abortion Clinic: No Fetus can beat us! You fuck em, we'll suck em.

CapnFatback March 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

You know what's next, don't you? Replacing George on the one dollar bill will be a picture of bare legs in stirrups jutting from a gown. Then the word "dollar" will be dropped altogether. "Anyone got change for an abortion?" we'll all ask. "I need to tip the doctor."

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Quoth Edroso in the linked article, "We've gone back to the rule itself, and we believe the charitable explanation is that the sources have misapprehended what the rule says."

Well, yes. Just as the people who screamed about DEATH PANELS ZOMG!!!!!! simply "misapprehended" the proposed coverage for doctors talking to patients about living wills and such.

Redhead March 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"charitable explanation" sounds vaguely sochialist. Gethur hands offa my explainin'!

An_Outhouse March 13, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Is there some kind of limit? like one abortion per month? one abortion per day? What if you have sex all day long? Rush wants to know.

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm

She has so much sex that she can't afford an abortion every time!

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 10:59 pm

That's why she has to take so many of those pills.

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

ALSO, OBA-MAO WILL FORCE ALL OF US TO WEAR AN ONION ON OUR BELT AT ALL TIMES! BECAUSE THAT IS THE FASCIST IN THESE DAYS!!!!

DahBoner March 14, 2012 at 9:15 am

Don't get me started about the $1 ferry rides to Shelbyville…

Mumbletypeg March 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

That sound you hear is the cack-a-lacka-phony of a b'zillion whine'taaards still nursing their bitter disappointment in Breitbart's self-aborted "scoop" on Barry.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Can we ask the "knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill" if the Dollar Menu abortion comes with ketchup and mustard or do I have to pay extra for those?

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 3:06 pm

These are fancy-pants elitist Obama abortions; even the discount ones come with a nice béarnaise sauce.

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Excuse me. Do you have any grey poupon?

metamarcisf March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

If I only want the abortions and not the health care, can I just pay a dollar?

Guppy March 13, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I feel we need "Wonkette Rules for Editing Radicals."

Among the rules would be finding a way to avoid having stories of $1 abortions sponsored by the $1 Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan.

Just sayin'.

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Big deal. According to the Catholic church, Rick Santorum, and a whole bunch of wingnuts, private enterprise has been servin' up "dollar abortions" for years.

They're called condoms. Eye of the beholder.

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Eye of the beholder" is slang for the reservoir tip?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Along with this I suggest punchcards. Buy nine abortions get one free.

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Because only Democrats will use 'em, would we call 'em "donkey-punch" cards?

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Neil Young said it best

Find the cost of fetus, buried in the ground
Mother earth will swallow you, lay your dollar down

ph7 March 13, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Well, Obama hands you a nickel
He hands you a dime
He asks you with a grin
If you’re havin’ a good time
Then he imposes an indiviudal mandate every time you slam some whore
I ain’t gonna work for Uncle Sammy's Dollar Abortionplex no more

randcoolcatdaddy March 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Back in my day, coathangers were only a nickel.

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 4:13 pm

And condoms were a quarter.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 11:04 pm

^^
^
"Gimme five coathangers for a condom", you'd say.

FakaktaSouth March 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I will admit I am confused by this, but it is too hard to try and figure out what they are saying is happening in order to figure out how pathetically stupid and wrong it is. But as far as I can tell, this sounds like I thing I probably WISH we were really doing. I may just drink all afternoon – it's spring break AND stuper-tuesday in Bama – I'm WAY behind already.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 11:07 pm

"a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

It sounds to me like everybody's dollar will be going into a pool, more or less what happens with all of everybody's money for *any* kind of insurance, which is where insurance companies get money from on the rare occasions that they pay out claims.

Of course, there's also the distinct possibility the forced pregnancy wingnuts are lying out their collective ass, in which case I wouldn't be too worried about understanding anything they're saying.

Franknflower March 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

At that price, who doesn't want to get an abortion?

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm having trouble NOT scheduling one!

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I want one, and I don't even have a uterus!

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm

I'm going to get pregnant with a girl-type fetus, so that my fetus can have an abortion, too!

Designer_Rants March 14, 2012 at 12:03 am

uh, that costs $2, ya know. Just sayin, yer gonna want a dollar menu ice cream cone on the way home.

tessiee March 14, 2012 at 12:32 am

Fetusina and I are going on Two-Fer-Tuesday; so we can get two abortions for the price of one.
But yeah, definitely ice cream after.

piker62 March 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

They can say all they want, but so far I've been pretty happy with the Death Panels. I cleared away a lot of old junk from around the house, if you know what I mean.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

This month is going to be so profitable for Snopes.

tessiee March 13, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Well, of *course* it is, *they're* in on the liberal conspiracy, too!

Jus_Wonderin March 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"Here is your receipt. And…if you take the online survey, you will be entered into a drawing for a chance at 5000 free abortions."

ingloriousbytch March 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"As a knowledgeable pro-life source …"

Yeah….I'm gonna stop you right there.

chascates March 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"Would you like to supersize your order and add a breast enhancement?"

carlgt1 March 13, 2012 at 5:44 pm

next they'll be claiming Margaret Sanger will be replacing George Washington on the dollar bill….

freddymcmurray March 13, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Addition of the susan b anthony dollar to this story is genius.

one dollar, one dollar, one dollar… how much for that gun? four dollars. how much for that abortion? one dollar.

fuflans March 13, 2012 at 7:39 pm

i need a dollar, dollar, dollar is what i need.

so THAT'S what aloe blacc was singing about.

crybabyboehner March 13, 2012 at 9:09 pm

This is useful information.

Next time a hobo asks for two bucks for a cup of coffee I will say, "No but I will give you one dollar for an abortion!"

poncho_pilot March 14, 2012 at 12:25 am

now if only i could run my car on feti…

DahBoner March 14, 2012 at 9:13 am

Planet Fitness will have to add an Abortion station…

starfanglednut March 14, 2012 at 8:25 am

Zappa and Monty Python, too.

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