Obamacare Will Offer $1 Abortions, Say Crazy People

Only valid for abortions not based on race or sex. Some exceptions.Aren’t we lucky, dear Wonketteers? Obamacare hasn’t even darkened the Supreme Court’s doorstep (where, pro-tip, it will be voted down by the resident well-insured and sinecured octogenarians), and already opponents are rushing to instill fear into the hearts of real Murkins about exactly what fearful atrocities the legislation hopes to visit upon them. One of the more comical subsections (which Obama probably buried on p. 61803399) will bring a modern, funky sensibility to modern medicine by offering consumer-patients Value Menu-pricing on…. abortions. This makes sense, because…. ??? Well, we tried taking mushrooms and then wandering into the forest, to see what answers Gaia could offer up. None were forthcoming.

Via fearless chronicler of the right-wing Roy Edroso comes this dispatch from LifeNews (cute):

As a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill informed LifeNews, as authorized by Obamacare, “the final rule provides for taxpayer funding of insurance coverage that includes elective abortion” and the change to longstanding law prohibiting virtually all direct taxpayer funding of abortions (the Hyde Amendment) is accomplished through an accounting arrangement described in the Affordable Care Act and reiterated in the final rule issued today.

“To comply with the accounting requirement, plans will collect a $1 abortion surcharge from each premium payer,” the pro-life source informed LifeNews. “The enrollee will make two payments, $1 per month for abortion and another payment for the rest of the services covered. As described in the rule, the surcharge can only be disclosed to the enrollee at the time of enrollment. Furthermore, insurance plans may only advertise the total cost of the premiums without disclosing that enrollees will be charged a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

This stupid accounting trick is shockingly being translated in some corners as “Everyone Will Pay for $1 Abortions Under Obamacare.” IF ONLY, RIGHT, LADIES?

Turn to Edroso for a careful analysis of the implicated subsection. Or, if you prefer, join us in cursing Henry Hyde and the mistress he rode in on. [DecisionHealth Daily]

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  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    Are they going to offer a special "2 for 1" deal? What about a punchcard? Buy 9, get the 10th free?

    1. deelzebub

      Seriously!?! Fuck! The one I had ate up all my Christmas money. Four hundred something dollars. That's fetus better have been as cute as the Kate Spade I had my eye on.

  2. zedbot

    Cool! What with McDonalds taking fries off their Dollar Menu, I'll be able to afford 3 or 4 abortions a month now!

    1. Biff

      Don't it fucking figure. That commie socialist muslin Obamar is gonna ration healthcare, except for abortions, no limit, no license.

  3. CogitoErgoBibo

    Back in the comparatively lighthearted days of Walnuts attempting to ply my lady parts vote with a biologically similar model in the form of Sister Palin, I fought back by having a T-shirt printed reading: Sane, American Vaginas for Obama. I wore it for a laugh on election day.

    Who would have thought that 4 years later, I'd be digging it out for another reason entirely. One step forward; a hundred years back.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Or by posting amateur videos of that unwanted conception? Or will Rush create a fund?

  4. Antispandex

    Crap! You're kidding! That's cheaper than a gallon of gas…at it's cheapest! I'm gonna go get me an abortion…no, wait…DAMN IT!

        1. deelzebub

          ExxonMobil will never allow your modest proposal to come to fruition, man….did you know someone invented a car that runs on water?

          I miss hippies since I moved off a college campus.

  5. Goonemeritus

    Why can’t these women get their naughty bits serviced at Wal-Mart and leave the tax payers alone?

  6. Baconzgood

    "a knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill"

    I've seen that dude. He use to sleep at Franklin School on K and smells like cheap booze. I think he has mental problems.

  7. SorosBot

    All right; it really is abortion party time again, people! So which of the ladies are ready to get knocked up to provide the fetuses for our all-you-can-eat fetus buffet? I think I'll have some of the deep fat fried fetus first myself; they're good with a nice cold beer with infusion of placenta.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Down here in South Texas, we'll be serving up the fajeetus and refried beans, on flour tortillas.

      1. SorosBot

        If you want to get fancy, we can make some fresh fetus tortellini in a nice red wine sauce.

        1. KeepFnThatChicken

          Sounds like a rare opportunity to serve a Willamette Valley pinor noir. And in this case, the 'noir won't be the only thing with "legs" at the table.

        2. Steverino247

          Next on the Aborting Gourmet: SorosBot whips up some fresh fetus tortellini and MissTaken discusses which wine to serve with various fetal dishes.

          (Then after the show they fuck like minks and make another fetus for next week's program!)

    2. tessiee

      Placenta polenta is a nice side dish for just about anything.
      Or for those who like ethnic foods, fetus felafel.

    1. redarmyzombie

      True story, when my cat came down with gout, our vet said that if he didn't get better, they'd have to perform a sex-change operation on him.

    2. tessiee

      "Humans make out so great in this country!"

      Especially poor people; they get free handouts for *everything*!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if the abortions are only a dollar, how the fuck can they complain? It's not like the cost of an F-35 or something.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      You would think that the gummint could charge a $500 sin tax. We could wipe out the debt this way! FISCAL MANAGEMENT, TEABAGGERS — WE HAZ IT

  9. BornInATrailer

    I wonder if Wendy's will offer them on the value menu as a healthy alternative to adoption?

  10. Wilcoxyz

    Ok fundies, gives us the free births control or we'll roll with the $1-abortionpalooza. It's on y'all, bitches! What's it gonna be?

  11. kissawookiee

    If I act now can I get not one but TWO abortions for my dollar, plus the mini magic fetus roller (perfect for purse or car), if I only pay separate S&H? Because I really want a new mini magic fetus roller. The old one didn't rinse nearly as cleanly as the commercial would have you believe.

  12. JustPixelz

    There are lots of bargains out there. I'll bet you could buy an ad on Rush Limbaugh's show for a dollar. Or a photo op with Newt Gingrich. (Women can sit on his lap for no extra charge!) Or be a true job creator — buy something made in America.

    1. SorosBot

      No, from most of today's posts its seems to be more ovary day in the news cycle; which is kind of the reverse of nutty.

  13. Doktor Zoom

    OK, so by this point in the day it would just feel like spamming to include that link to that one essay anymore, but, hell, if anyone's interested, it's in my comment history.

    Fuck these anti-woman fucks.

  14. MissTaken

    Dammit! Just last night I paid $2 for an abortion. When will I learn that the abortions will be on the sale rack if I just wait a few days??

    1. Baconzgood

      You'll be really pissed to hear this but there was also a .75 coupon in Sunday's news paper. With tomorrow being "Double Day" you would have got you're abortion and then Planned Parenthood would have GIVEN you fifty cents. You gotta be thrifty.

  15. Antispandex

    BTW, these are the Wonkette bits I love to share on facebook. It makes me soooo popular with my insane in-laws (who still accuse me of brainwashing their daughter).

    1. MissTaken

      You're amongst friends here, you can admit you did brainwash her. Between giving her orgasms and snarky pillow-talk there was no way she could resist your power.

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    If you can't afford the $1 abortion, will financial assistance will be available for the college fund?

  17. imissopus

    A dollar? Damn inflation. Back in the day a nickel would buy you an abortion, a steak-and-kidney pie, a cup of coffee, and a newsreel, and you'd still have enough left over to ride the trolley all the way from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.

    I think this may be all the snark I have in me today. I've been reading the other stories and just getting a big damn headache.

  18. freakishlywrong

    Can any of these lame-ass fuckers talk about jerbs and the economy fer fuck's sake?

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      You would think they'd be like, "HE ONLY created two hundred thousand jobs last month. What a sissy! If Mitt were in charge, he would have created a million!"

  19. CapnFatback

    You know what's next, don't you? Replacing George on the one dollar bill will be a picture of bare legs in stirrups jutting from a gown. Then the word "dollar" will be dropped altogether. "Anyone got change for an abortion?" we'll all ask. "I need to tip the doctor."

  20. Doktor Zoom

    Quoth Edroso in the linked article, "We've gone back to the rule itself, and we believe the charitable explanation is that the sources have misapprehended what the rule says."

    Well, yes. Just as the people who screamed about DEATH PANELS ZOMG!!!!!! simply "misapprehended" the proposed coverage for doctors talking to patients about living wills and such.

  21. An_Outhouse

    Is there some kind of limit? like one abortion per month? one abortion per day? What if you have sex all day long? Rush wants to know.

  22. Doktor Zoom


  23. Mumbletypeg

    That sound you hear is the cack-a-lacka-phony of a b'zillion whine'taaards still nursing their bitter disappointment in Breitbart's self-aborted "scoop" on Barry.

  24. MissTaken

    Can we ask the "knowledgeable pro-life source on Capitol Hill" if the Dollar Menu abortion comes with ketchup and mustard or do I have to pay extra for those?

    1. SorosBot

      These are fancy-pants elitist Obama abortions; even the discount ones come with a nice béarnaise sauce.

  25. Guppy

    I feel we need "Wonkette Rules for Editing Radicals."

    Among the rules would be finding a way to avoid having stories of $1 abortions sponsored by the $1 Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan.

    Just sayin'.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    Big deal. According to the Catholic church, Rick Santorum, and a whole bunch of wingnuts, private enterprise has been servin' up "dollar abortions" for years.

    They're called condoms. Eye of the beholder.

  27. BaldarTFlagass

    Neil Young said it best

    Find the cost of fetus, buried in the ground
    Mother earth will swallow you, lay your dollar down

    1. ph7

      Well, Obama hands you a nickel
      He hands you a dime
      He asks you with a grin
      If you’re havin’ a good time
      Then he imposes an indiviudal mandate every time you slam some whore
      I ain’t gonna work for Uncle Sammy's Dollar Abortionplex no more

  28. FakaktaSouth

    I will admit I am confused by this, but it is too hard to try and figure out what they are saying is happening in order to figure out how pathetically stupid and wrong it is. But as far as I can tell, this sounds like I thing I probably WISH we were really doing. I may just drink all afternoon – it's spring break AND stuper-tuesday in Bama – I'm WAY behind already.

    1. tessiee

      "a $1 per month fee to pay directly subsidize abortions.”

      It sounds to me like everybody's dollar will be going into a pool, more or less what happens with all of everybody's money for *any* kind of insurance, which is where insurance companies get money from on the rare occasions that they pay out claims.

      Of course, there's also the distinct possibility the forced pregnancy wingnuts are lying out their collective ass, in which case I wouldn't be too worried about understanding anything they're saying.

        1. tessiee

          Fetusina and I are going on Two-Fer-Tuesday; so we can get two abortions for the price of one.
          But yeah, definitely ice cream after.

  29. piker62

    They can say all they want, but so far I've been pretty happy with the Death Panels. I cleared away a lot of old junk from around the house, if you know what I mean.

  30. Jus_Wonderin

    "Here is your receipt. And…if you take the online survey, you will be entered into a drawing for a chance at 5000 free abortions."

  31. carlgt1

    next they'll be claiming Margaret Sanger will be replacing George Washington on the dollar bill….

  32. freddymcmurray

    Addition of the susan b anthony dollar to this story is genius.

    one dollar, one dollar, one dollar… how much for that gun? four dollars. how much for that abortion? one dollar.

  33. fuflans

    i need a dollar, dollar, dollar is what i need.

    so THAT'S what aloe blacc was singing about.

  34. crybabyboehner

    This is useful information.

    Next time a hobo asks for two bucks for a cup of coffee I will say, "No but I will give you one dollar for an abortion!"

Comments are closed.