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Utah Makes Alarming Pivot to ‘Dirty Hippie,’ Wants Veto of ‘Don’t Say Sex’ Sex Ed Bill

Even the rocks are sexy in Utah.As Utah goes, so goes … well, not that many other states really. Bit of an outlier, that one, with their 35 percent 2008 Bammerz vote, and their million wives each, and their habit of actually paying for porn. But in an actually surprising move, a near-supermajority of Utahans want their governor to veto last week’s Lege-approved “Don’t Say Sex” Sex-Ed bill. (The bill would ban mention of contraception, homosexuality, or sex in any context other than the marital bed, even if a student asks.)

If Gov. Gary Herbert wants an opinion on whether to sign a recently passed sex education bill, he has plenty to choose from: Lawmakers have made their cases, more than 35,000 people have signed an online petition urging Herbert to veto the bill, and various groups have taken sides.

On Monday, a new Brigham Young University poll joined that list. The poll shows that 58 percent of 472 voters surveyed agree or strongly agree with the statement, “Public schools in Utah should teach about the use of contraceptives.”

Just about nobody thinks Utah’s governor will actually veto the bill, of course, because hell golly, look what happened to Bob Bennett. (Don’t worry, it’s only a Stalinist “purge” when it’s Joe Lieberman.) [Salt Lake Tribune, via ThinkProgress]

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    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Can't argue that. They even tried to pass a bill this year that would have allowed people to open carry guns in public and not be charged with even a misdemeanor. The only reason that went down was probably because while it was being debated, the 10th anniversary of Trolley Square shootings occurred where some kid ran through that mall and killed 5 people before he was gunned down by on off-duty policeman.

      1. Callyson

        some kid ran through that mall and killed 5 people before he was gunned down by on off-duty policeman.
        I'm surprised the pro – gun people did not use that as a reason why more people should carry guns. "See, if that cop with a gun had not been there, the kid would have killed even more people! An armed society is a polite society!"

        1. Naked_Bunny

          There's nothing safer than a dozen people in a mall opening fire in the general direction of loud sounds.

  1. anniegetyerfun

    Well, it's not like teaching "put it in the back instead" will take THAT much time out of the school day, right?

    1. MadBrahms

      Maybe they should consider changing their sodomy laws into "mandatory sodomy" laws, just to be consistent.

    2. Chichikovovich

      That's what they'll tell the boys. For the other half of the class there will be the state mandated message: "Girls – wait until you've graduated and then go to Smith College. Until then, there's always Girl Scout camp-outs and trips with the basketball team."

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I went to Mount Holyoke – I can tell you exactly how the Mormon girls handled that environment.

  2. SorosBot

    Shouldn't high school girls be learning about sex from the middle-aged men they've been forced to marry and join the harems of against their will?

      1. SorosBot

        Guess they need to learn how to keep the man's castle clean in home ec, and get just enough of that book larnin' to proudly home school their husband's kids.

        (And I see how you've changed your profile description there – aw, that's sweet; thanks honey).

          1. SorosBot

            Well we have and will again. Sadly having the entire East-West length of the United States between us prevents us from doing so too often.

          2. MissTaken

            Sorry folks, but until Soros gets it together and moves to California you are all stuck reading our schmoopy cutesy talk.

          3. redarmyzombie

            I propose that we here at Wonkette pool our money together in a fund so that Sorosbot CAN move to this side of the country.

            Let's see…I've got 32 cents in my pocket right now…

          4. Steverino247

            No need to apologize. Just be good to each other and let us know which website to visit for the next exciting adventure.

  3. coolhandnuke

    It's all that sexy Jazz music they're listening to at their NBA arena that is slowly, insidiously changing the stiff, formal Mormon veneer.

  4. Baconzgood

    What? Listen to the citizenry? Not unless they are named Koch and from another state thank you very much.

      1. chicken_thief

        Maybe in quiet rooms? We need to have Mittens give a ruling on this.

        Oh, wait… given his history of standing by his convictions, it will be "yes" until his advisors hear of it, then "no", then he never said "no", but "yes" is so strained that it is unrecognizable, then "no comment".

  5. LabRodent

    I learned about sex by sneaking my dads playboy mags from under his bed and I turned out ok………..I think I did.

    1. banana_bread

      I learned about tampons by stealing one of my mom's and dissecting it. I'm only a little fucked up, so I guess it's okay!

      1. poncho_pilot

        i learned about tampons by buying one from a bathroom vending machine, filling the sink with water, and pretending the tampon was a sailboat. i was 17.

    2. SorosBot

      I first learned about it from some of the older kids at summer camp. What they said turned out not to be exactly accurate, to say the least.

    3. MadBrahms

      Wearing thick, greasy goggles during sex and insisting that all the women you sleep with apply heavy "airbrushing" is totally normal.

      1. chicken_thief

        There for about 5 minutes I vowed to myself that I would never fuck a chick unless she'd just stepped out of the hair and make-up artists chair. Then I realized having that as the minimum standard would doom me to a lifetime of celibacy. So I lowered my standards. A lot.

        But probably not as much as my partners did….

    1. Veritas78

      …and each one comes with a golden plate. For eating?

      In any case, they'll all lose the plates, just like dumbass Joe. "Anybody seen my golden plates?" Pats down self.

  6. freakishlywrong

    Ok, lib-gals. That's it. No sex with a Conservative or an "Independent", (a closeted Republican). Let them scrounge around with their own kind for a while, what with all the "headaches" and "only for procreation" shit. Not that I'd schtupp one, but all women need to just say no to these creeps.

    1. banana_bread

      My husband is a Wonketeer so I guess we can have all the freaky monkey sex we want, right?

  7. Lucidamente1

    "Sure, Mr. Jones, I'll answer your question about that quadratic equation; but first, could you tell us what an IUD is?"

    1. FlownOver

      It's the minor-league affiliate of a certain English football club. And its very existence is a powerful incentive for the parent club's players to maintain performance at the Premier League level.

  8. poncho_pilot

    do we even need Utah or Georgia or North Carolina or Iowa or Arizona or South Carolina anyway?

          1. Baconzgood

            No, I I give Lord Singen-Smith III Duke of Butt-Sniff bacon and eggs every sunday. That insures if he runs away he'll be back by the end of the week.

    1. Baconzgood

      um….I know I don't have the recept for these states…But can I return them? They're dammaged.

  9. metamarcisf

    On the eve of the NCAA tournament a year ago, BYU suspended one of its players for screwing a (white) woman on campus. If this law had been in effect then, the Cougars (!) would have won the championship.

  10. Goonemeritus

    Why when I was in school the ladies didn’t need all this birth control nonsense. Of course it was an engineering school so that may have had something to do it with it.

    1. poncho_pilot

      "Greetings from Planet Gripnok! I come in Peace. I only wish to copulate with you Earth Women. For Science! You failed your saving throw. Please disrobe."

    2. SorosBot

      Psst – they may have needed it, just with some of the guys from the cooler liberal arts departments, not the male would-be engineers.

  11. redarmyzombie

    A word of advice, Utah legislators: Not everyone wears the magic underwear like you do.

    I do, however, know the secret handshake…

    1. MadBrahms

      Masturbation is not a "secret" handshake, even if mormons aren't allowed to talk about it.

  12. KennyFuckingPowers

    This is getting as bad as when that John Ashcroft covered up the tits on the Lady Beauford T. Justice's Statue. Shit he lost to a dead guy. East Bound and Down!

  13. memzilla

    I guess this means that even more sanity has leaked out of Arizona and headed north for asylum.

  14. RadioStalingrad

    Uh, teacher Young, when I get my first wife and all, can I tongue punch her fartbox?

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Tongue punching fartbox's is not nearly as romantic when done through magic underwear.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I definitely don't pay for porn. Being as how I am a liberal, I am smart enough to find plenty of free porn.

  15. MissTaken

    Exactly how would a "Don't Say Sex" Sex Ed class go?

    See, the teenage girl and her sister wives, they have themselves tacos. And their elderly husband, he has a limp piece of meat. He puts the shriveled-up meat into the tight young tacos and then the girls get fat. A few months later while doing the elderly husband's laundry and cooking his dinner, the girls have babies. Then the process repeats until the girls get older and the elderly husband finds himself a shiny new set of taco shells to fill with his meat.

    1. poncho_pilot

      as someone who often makes jokes to make sex seem disgusting just to watch the horrified expressions on people's faces…

      you are my new hero.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        It's not so much the taco shell, but the shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes and onions within.

          1. MadBrahms

            "So, you know at taco bell how the sour cream comes out of a caulk gun? Well, it works sort of like that."

          2. SorosBot

            And the sour cream goes into the tacos because it wasn't properly wrapped up; I can see that.

    2. Steverino247

      Now some girls would have to put something else in the tacos to spice them up a bit because just having limp meat gets pretty boring pretty quickly. Maybe something that hums or buzzes…

  16. mavenmaven

    What do the people know? They must follow the advice of their leaders who know better than the proletariat what the proletariat actually needs and wants. For democracy's sake, of course.

  17. x111e7thst

    There will be contraception taught in Utah when it is taught by an angel named after pasta. Not an instant before.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sorry, but for the last thirty years, I cannot hear or see the word "Utah" without thinking about FZ.

    Bust yer ass
    To deliver some string beans,
    Deliver some string beans,
    Deliver some string beans,

  19. Not_So_Much

    The odd thing is that the SLC highways have more billboards for plastic surgery than anything else. Seems kind of mean in a "look, but don't play with it" kind of way.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Wow, there's a trip down memory lane. Where are the tongue-punched fartboxes of yesteryear?

  21. valthemus

    Wait, you mean to say you all *don't* live your lives according to the pre-Victorian ideals of a whiny, irritating, hypersensitive gang of theocratic killjoys who worm their way into elected office because all the sane people have more meaningful things to do? I'm stunned.

  22. poncho_pilot

    someone in Utah should make love to Gov. Gary Herbert's skull if he lets that bill go through.

    1. MadBrahms

      I don't think calling it "making love" gets you past the Rules for Commenting Radicals, though it dos inspire a great mental image involving scented candles and body oil.

  23. MadBrahms

    "OK, OK, everyone in this church who let their woman take a poll, raise your hands. Nice and high now, God already knows."

  24. Antispandex

    "…. sex in any context other than the marital bed, even if a student asks.) "

    Well, that should take care of it then. How are they going to figure out how to…you know…without someone explaining it to them. I know most people only figure out how to do it because they are exposed to perverts, and aren't wearing their holy long johns, and then they get to thinking, "Hey' I've got an outtie, and you've got an innie", but kids in Utah would never figure it out.

    1. redarmyzombie

      You know, maybe we're looking at this from the wrong angle. After all, if they stop breeding, then we won't have to put up with them in the future!

  25. owhatever

    Veto the bill and send it back to the legislators to rewrite it to include a 60-watt vaginal probe for a cherry check of the adult females (those over the age of eight).

  26. Callyson

    Uh oh…unlike Tennessee, I actually *have* a relative living in Utah (a nice one, not *too* wingnutty) whom I could visit. And have loud conversations with, in public…

  27. GreatChristiano

    Yes but the more fornication that occurs, the more future wives will be available–The "Delayed Entry" Program…

Comments are closed.