BEE MINE  1:30 pm March 13, 2012

Utah Makes Alarming Pivot to ‘Dirty Hippie,’ Wants Veto of ‘Don’t Say Sex’ Sex Ed Bill

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Even the rocks are sexy in Utah.As Utah goes, so goes … well, not that many other states really. Bit of an outlier, that one, with their 35 percent 2008 Bammerz vote, and their million wives each, and their habit of actually paying for porn. But in an actually surprising move, a near-supermajority of Utahans want their governor to veto last week’s Lege-approved “Don’t Say Sex” Sex-Ed bill. (The bill would ban mention of contraception, homosexuality, or sex in any context other than the marital bed, even if a student asks.)

If Gov. Gary Herbert wants an opinion on whether to sign a recently passed sex education bill, he has plenty to choose from: Lawmakers have made their cases, more than 35,000 people have signed an online petition urging Herbert to veto the bill, and various groups have taken sides.

On Monday, a new Brigham Young University poll joined that list. The poll shows that 58 percent of 472 voters surveyed agree or strongly agree with the statement, “Public schools in Utah should teach about the use of contraceptives.”

Just about nobody thinks Utah’s governor will actually veto the bill, of course, because hell golly, look what happened to Bob Bennett. (Don’t worry, it’s only a Stalinist “purge” when it’s Joe Lieberman.) [Salt Lake Tribune, via ThinkProgress]

 

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{ 134 comments }

MittsHairHelmet March 13, 2012 at 1:32 pm

It's like the 60's never happened.

Terry March 13, 2012 at 1:34 pm

They didn't in Utah.

FNMA March 13, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Ever been to Utah? They stayed in the '50s. The 1850s.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I think you misspelled "1450s"

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Forgot the B.C., too.

Native_of_SL_UT March 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Can't argue that. They even tried to pass a bill this year that would have allowed people to open carry guns in public and not be charged with even a misdemeanor. The only reason that went down was probably because while it was being debated, the 10th anniversary of Trolley Square shootings occurred where some kid ran through that mall and killed 5 people before he was gunned down by on off-duty policeman.

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

some kid ran through that mall and killed 5 people before he was gunned down by on off-duty policeman.
I'm surprised the pro – gun people did not use that as a reason why more people should carry guns. "See, if that cop with a gun had not been there, the kid would have killed even more people! An armed society is a polite society!"

Naked_Bunny March 13, 2012 at 4:04 pm

There's nothing safer than a dozen people in a mall opening fire in the general direction of loud sounds.

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Well, it's not like teaching "put it in the back instead" will take THAT much time out of the school day, right?

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Maybe they should consider changing their sodomy laws into "mandatory sodomy" laws, just to be consistent.

Chichikovovich March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

That's what they'll tell the boys. For the other half of the class there will be the state mandated message: "Girls – wait until you've graduated and then go to Smith College. Until then, there's always Girl Scout camp-outs and trips with the basketball team."

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I went to Mount Holyoke – I can tell you exactly how the Mormon girls handled that environment.

Chichikovovich March 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I don't doubt that there are many ex-Mormon women living in Northhampton.—

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Ex-Mormon lesbians?

I find this so easy to masturbate to.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Shouldn't high school girls be learning about sex from the middle-aged men they've been forced to marry and join the harems of against their will?

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Why are their girls even allowed to go to high school?

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

So the morman teachers can find their 5th wife.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Guess they need to learn how to keep the man's castle clean in home ec, and get just enough of that book larnin' to proudly home school their husband's kids.

(And I see how you've changed your profile description there – aw, that's sweet; thanks honey).

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm

;)

UnholyMoses March 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

YOU TWO GET A ROOM!!!111!!

Just not in Utah …

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

It keeps the birth rate low.

Maman March 13, 2012 at 1:56 pm

That is the way it worked in the Bible

coolhandnuke March 13, 2012 at 1:37 pm

It's all that sexy Jazz music they're listening to at their NBA arena that is slowly, insidiously changing the stiff, formal Mormon veneer.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

What? Listen to the citizenry? Not unless they are named Koch and from another state thank you very much.

chicken_thief March 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

The first rule of contraception is don't talk about contraception.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Can we talk about intra-utahan devices?

chicken_thief March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Maybe in quiet rooms? We need to have Mittens give a ruling on this.

Oh, wait… given his history of standing by his convictions, it will be "yes" until his advisors hear of it, then "no", then he never said "no", but "yes" is so strained that it is unrecognizable, then "no comment".

LabRodent March 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I learned about sex by sneaking my dads playboy mags from under his bed and I turned out ok………..I think I did.

banana_bread March 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I learned about tampons by stealing one of my mom's and dissecting it. I'm only a little fucked up, so I guess it's okay!

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm

i learned about tampons by buying one from a bathroom vending machine, filling the sink with water, and pretending the tampon was a sailboat. i was 17.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I first learned about it from some of the older kids at summer camp. What they said turned out not to be exactly accurate, to say the least.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Wearing thick, greasy goggles during sex and insisting that all the women you sleep with apply heavy "airbrushing" is totally normal.

chicken_thief March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

There for about 5 minutes I vowed to myself that I would never fuck a chick unless she'd just stepped out of the hair and make-up artists chair. Then I realized having that as the minimum standard would doom me to a lifetime of celibacy. So I lowered my standards. A lot.

But probably not as much as my partners did….

chascates March 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Instead of the stork they think Joseph Smith brings teh babyz!

Veritas78 March 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

…and each one comes with a golden plate. For eating?

In any case, they'll all lose the plates, just like dumbass Joe. "Anybody seen my golden plates?" Pats down self.

edgydrifter March 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I would totally hit that rock.

LabRodent March 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I hit it! But it just didn't seem like i was enough for her.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

As a geologist, I am fapping to it right now, as I one-handed type this comment.

AlterNewt March 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Geeez Rebecca. Sex Sex Sex. That's all you ever think about.

Very commendable.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

That comment really works with your avatar.

AlterNewt March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Much too kind.

FlownOver March 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Anybody else starting to think this "laboratory of the states" concept was a real turd sandwich?

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Laboratory / lobotomy, same difference.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Ok, lib-gals. That's it. No sex with a Conservative or an "Independent", (a closeted Republican). Let them scrounge around with their own kind for a while, what with all the "headaches" and "only for procreation" shit. Not that I'd schtupp one, but all women need to just say no to these creeps.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I'm a liberal ladies…..VEEEEEERY liberal.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

We KNOW Bacon, we KNOW..

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:52 pm

We liberals have etchings.

banana_bread March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

My husband is a Wonketeer so I guess we can have all the freaky monkey sex we want, right?

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

As long as you don't talk about it in Utah, yes.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I proudly display my "I Only Sleep With Democrats" button.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm

What about lefty independents?

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

"Sure, Mr. Jones, I'll answer your question about that quadratic equation; but first, could you tell us what an IUD is?"

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Intra-Utahan Device?

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Color me impressed!

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Man Utah's new rules are almost as bad as Wonkette's.

Chichikovovich March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Man Utah? Is that like Barcalifornia? Bayern Maineich?

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Astoria Villa.

FlownOver March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

It's the minor-league affiliate of a certain English football club. And its very existence is a powerful incentive for the parent club's players to maintain performance at the Premier League level.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

do we even need Utah or Georgia or North Carolina or Iowa or Arizona or South Carolina anyway?

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 1:51 pm

We have to keep Iowa — pigs=bacon.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"but can you make bacon out of women?" –Terry England

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Move all the bacon to my house.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

No, I I give Lord Singen-Smith III Duke of Butt-Sniff bacon and eggs every sunday. That insures if he runs away he'll be back by the end of the week.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

then move your house to the lee of the stone.

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 9:31 pm

You're Ron Swanson?

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm

um….I know I don't have the recept for these states…But can I return them? They're dammaged.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

i think you'll have better luck on Craigslist.

metamarcisf March 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

On the eve of the NCAA tournament a year ago, BYU suspended one of its players for screwing a (white) woman on campus. If this law had been in effect then, the Cougars (!) would have won the championship.

Goonemeritus March 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Why when I was in school the ladies didn’t need all this birth control nonsense. Of course it was an engineering school so that may have had something to do it with it.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"Greetings from Planet Gripnok! I come in Peace. I only wish to copulate with you Earth Women. For Science! You failed your saving throw. Please disrobe."

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Psst – they may have needed it, just with some of the guys from the cooler liberal arts departments, not the male would-be engineers.

Pithaughn March 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm

What was her name?

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

A word of advice, Utah legislators: Not everyone wears the magic underwear like you do.

I do, however, know the secret handshake…

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Masturbation is not a "secret" handshake, even if mormons aren't allowed to talk about it.

Nothingisamiss March 13, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I've been lied to.

Nothingisamiss March 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

My underwear is magic at times, but I can't talk about it.

KennyFuckingPowers March 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

This is getting as bad as when that John Ashcroft covered up the tits on the Lady Beauford T. Justice's Statue. Shit he lost to a dead guy. East Bound and Down!

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I guess this means that even more sanity has leaked out of Arizona and headed north for asylum.

RadioStalingrad March 13, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Uh, teacher Young, when I get my first wife and all, can I tongue punch her fartbox?

Native_of_SL_UT March 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Tongue punching fartbox's is not nearly as romantic when done through magic underwear.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wait. Utah *pays* for porn?

I didn't realize Mormons were Protestant!

Native_of_SL_UT March 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I definitely don't pay for porn. Being as how I am a liberal, I am smart enough to find plenty of free porn.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Exactly how would a "Don't Say Sex" Sex Ed class go?

See, the teenage girl and her sister wives, they have themselves tacos. And their elderly husband, he has a limp piece of meat. He puts the shriveled-up meat into the tight young tacos and then the girls get fat. A few months later while doing the elderly husband's laundry and cooking his dinner, the girls have babies. Then the process repeats until the girls get older and the elderly husband finds himself a shiny new set of taco shells to fill with his meat.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:51 pm

LIMP LIBEL!

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

as someone who often makes jokes to make sex seem disgusting just to watch the horrified expressions on people's faces…

you are my new hero.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 1:54 pm
FNMA March 13, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Mmmmmmmm…tacos…

Pithaughn March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Just on the off chance you may not have heard this gem, I submit for your rolling around laughing pleasure, (not suitable for most situations): http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=400943573

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I find myself strangely both aroused and disgusted at the same time.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:04 pm

It's not so much the taco shell, but the shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes and onions within.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Don't forget the sour cream, that's what makes it supreme!

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"So, you know at taco bell how the sour cream comes out of a caulk gun? Well, it works sort of like that."

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

And the sour cream goes into the tacos because it wasn't properly wrapped up; I can see that.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Sour cream on tacos is for gringos. We use salsa.

Steverino247 March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Now some girls would have to put something else in the tacos to spice them up a bit because just having limp meat gets pretty boring pretty quickly. Maybe something that hums or buzzes…

UnholyMoses March 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

The mayor of East Haven would like to speak with you, as he loves him some tacos.

But only Latino ones, apparently …

RadioStalingrad March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

What about sword fighting? Can they ask about that?

mavenmaven March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

What do the people know? They must follow the advice of their leaders who know better than the proletariat what the proletariat actually needs and wants. For democracy's sake, of course.

Blueb4sunrise March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm
x111e7thst March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

There will be contraception taught in Utah when it is taught by an angel named after pasta. Not an instant before.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Bowtie?

hagajim March 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

As Utah goes, so goes….the 1800s?

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Am I the only one to notice that Utah is "Hate You", sorta. Oh well, I got nothing.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I'm sorry, but for the last thirty years, I cannot hear or see the word "Utah" without thinking about FZ.

TRUCK DRIVER DIVORCE!.
IT'S VERY SAD!
Bust yer ass
To deliver some string beans,
Deliver some string beans,
Deliver some string beans,
To
UTAH!

Steverino247 March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Put another quarter in the waitress
And have her suck that truck drivin' man.

Not_So_Much March 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm

The odd thing is that the SLC highways have more billboards for plastic surgery than anything else. Seems kind of mean in a "look, but don't play with it" kind of way.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Like when the toystore used have that awsome GI Joe display behind the lucite.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Wow, there's a trip down memory lane. Where are the tongue-punched fartboxes of yesteryear?

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

help the bombardier.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I'M the bum-bardier!

doloras March 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm

And Snowden got tongue-punched in back.

GunToting[Redacted] March 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Today we are all tongue-punched fart boxes.

valthemus March 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Wait, you mean to say you all *don't* live your lives according to the pre-Victorian ideals of a whiny, irritating, hypersensitive gang of theocratic killjoys who worm their way into elected office because all the sane people have more meaningful things to do? I'm stunned.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

someone in Utah should make love to Gov. Gary Herbert's skull if he lets that bill go through.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I don't think calling it "making love" gets you past the Rules for Commenting Radicals, though it dos inspire a great mental image involving scented candles and body oil.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"OK, OK, everyone in this church who let their woman take a poll, raise your hands. Nice and high now, God already knows."

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

is there an anti-abortion superhero?

Bomberman?

Native_of_SL_UT March 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Utah Legislature: "We're not going to tell what IT is, but don't do IT.

Antispandex March 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"…. sex in any context other than the marital bed, even if a student asks.) "

Well, that should take care of it then. How are they going to figure out how to…you know…without someone explaining it to them. I know most people only figure out how to do it because they are exposed to perverts, and aren't wearing their holy long johns, and then they get to thinking, "Hey' I've got an outtie, and you've got an innie", but kids in Utah would never figure it out.

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:05 pm

You know, maybe we're looking at this from the wrong angle. After all, if they stop breeding, then we won't have to put up with them in the future!

owhatever March 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Veto the bill and send it back to the legislators to rewrite it to include a 60-watt vaginal probe for a cherry check of the adult females (those over the age of eight).

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Uh oh…unlike Tennessee, I actually *have* a relative living in Utah (a nice one, not *too* wingnutty) whom I could visit. And have loud conversations with, in public…

GreatChristiano March 13, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Yes but the more fornication that occurs, the more future wives will be available–The "Delayed Entry" Program…

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Well we have and will again. Sadly having the entire East-West length of the United States between us prevents us from doing so too often.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Sorry folks, but until Soros gets it together and moves to California you are all stuck reading our schmoopy cutesy talk.

UnholyMoses March 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

So … it's just like being married …

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I propose that we here at Wonkette pool our money together in a fund so that Sorosbot CAN move to this side of the country.

Let's see…I've got 32 cents in my pocket right now…

Steverino247 March 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

No need to apologize. Just be good to each other and let us know which website to visit for the next exciting adventure.

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Just 68 more cents and you could have an abortion, or large fries. Tough choice!

UW8316154 March 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I've got a couple hobo beans and a little lint in my pocket, will that help?

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Eh, I can have all the abortions I want when I'm gay-married.

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Every bit helps, comrade.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Yesm, but what if she's not Mexican?

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