Undead goblin king Dick Cheney dedicated his thousand year shadow reign of darkness to murdering and torturing the people of Iraq in order to make Dick Cheney feel safer, but it turns out he may have picked the wrong country. Dick Cheney now wishes he had bombed Canada, the only nation with citizens wicked enough to shoot such mortal fear into the virus-ridden slime running through Dick Cheney’s veins that he refuses to set foot in it. Freedom-hating Canadians tried to bust in on one of his book readings in Vancouver last September to remind him he is a war criminal, so Dick Cheney has decided to cancel a planned speech in Toronto, out of concerns for his safety. (Sorry about that, Iraq.)
From AP:
Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp. said on Monday that Cheney and his daughter Elizabeth had begged off through their agent.
“After speaking with their security advisers, they changed their mind on coming to the event,” Ruppert said. He said they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”
Last Sept. 26, Cheney was forced to stay holed up in the Vancouver Club for seven hours before it was deemed safe for him to leave. Demonstrators blocked the entrances and at one point scuffled with police.
Seven hours of involuntary detention? Come on, Dick Cheney, we thought the only kind of detention you approved of was indefinite. He’s going soft in his old age. [AP]
{ 129 comments }
He fears The Hague
Is "Hague" Dutch for "reaper"?
Hey now, don't fear the reaper!
Does a cowbell count as a beating heart?
Only during the Tour de France
World Court.
Same thing.
Cheney The Dick is a war criminal. He belongs in the Hague along with GeeDub and the rest of their evil cabal.
Al?
Is "The Hague" like fisting? Or a blumpkin? That might explain it.
He fears The Noose
Noose and squirrel?
NMoose and squirrel?Bullwinkle and Rocky? I can actually see one played by Dubya, the other by his deathlord sidekick.
Bullwinkle libel!
What kind of pussy is afraid of Canadians?
Liz n' Dick, that's who.
Taylor and Burton?
Lizard dick, what?
"Eh" sets Dick off
Have you ever watched hockey? Them Canadians is violent.
Baby seals.
Well played.
The same kind who dodged the draft faster than a tap dancer in an outdoor shithouse? Or am I thinking of Bumsfeld? Whatever…
This makes me proud to be half-Canadian!
Which half?
I'm not even half, but I grew up there, and this whole thing makes me proud I still spell like a Brit.
While I will never be proud of my communist half (lower, duh), I do take comfort in the idea that I could, if need be, flee to my "other home" should Santorum get elected.
me too. i've made fun of my canadian mom all my life and now i''m hoist on my own snark. i got citizenship and we often talk about moving to montreal (mom's city / family) if, well, you know.
It's Canadia. What's the worst that could happen–was he afraid someone would be impolite to him?
Cheney is afraid of the Canadians? Or a "hunting accident"
I wish they were afraid to show their faces in Ameriduh. They really should be be.
zedbot approves, eh.
Well, they do speak French up there.
Yet another GOP "dead loser."
If only the Canadian Army would land in McLean and do a "rendition" of Cheney. I'd pay money to see that. (or would it be "extraordinarily rend"?)
I think you got the headline backwards. It's Canada that is terrified of Cheney. They must picked up a US newspaper recently.
"Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp." A wholly owned subsidiary of Dr. Evil Enterprises.
Wingnut bullies are afraid of their own shadow. Fuckers.
Too bad. He might have been able to find the Romney's dog.
Pro tip: Canadian waterboarding is better with Molson Canadian
"An honest brew makes its own friends,"
John Molson, 1786
Nothing is better with Molson Canadian. That stuff is torture in it's own right.
Now, if you were waterboarding me with some Maudite, or maybe some Dieu du Ciel, that might be tolerable.
Fin du monde libel!Sent from my iPhone
Gasp! I would never slander the name of La Fin du Monde!
Fact of the day: Fin du Monde and Maudite are both produced by Unibroue, which all of my anglophone friends in Quebec insist on pronouncing "unibrow" just to piss off the locals. This has been your fact of the day.
What does Molson Canadian have in common with sex in a canoe?
I give up.
I thought they welcomed anyone with a pulse…
Oh. Right.
He had to forgo the blood of the unborn for an entire 7 hours the last time he was there? Horrifying. No wonder he's afraid.
Sauron was not a happy bunny….
Well at least he's paying some penalty for his many war crimes. But it's nowhere near enough.
Extradition now, extradition forever!
I've been to the Vancouver Club. Only nudie bar in North America where you can get a lap dance in a bunker while riding a snowmobile.
“decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”
13 words I thought I'd NEVER hear.
You've never been to a 'Nucks home game
Yeah, if you fear for your personal safety in Canada, you may want to rethink some of the choices you made in life.
Or don't go bear hunting in a suit made of suet and lard.
What happens when he gets afraid? He's got no pulse for fuck's sake.
He develops a valve tap and his main seal leaks a little oil.
Hears a Canadian association: I hear "Dick Cheney," but I think "Niagara Falls."
Oh, sure, I post the joke, you go find the YouTube and take credit.
They paid me in loonies.
I prefer the toonie, myself. In 20 years or so those coins may be the only evidence left that polar bears ever existed.
(Edit: yet another HTML fail.)
"Spectre Live Corp."
Yes, things were a lot easier for Dick "Ernst Stavro Blofeld" Cheney before Spectre went and did the IPO.
Now THRUSH, on the other hand, would have gone forward with the talk, Solo and Kuryakin be damned. Shame that Spectre turned into such pansys.
http://wesclark.com/am/thrush_gun.jpg
I remember getting this for my 7th birthday. Awesome.
There is something sort of sad about the fact that he is more afraid in Canada than he is here in the U S of A. I thought WE were the people the world was afraid of. Besides, we got it up the rear worse than Canada.
Ryan Ruppert
Wait. Does this mean Gary Ruppert is CANADIAN????
Well you didn't see the Dickster in the end zone at the Super Bowl, wearing a rainbow wig and holding up a "John 3:16" sign, did ya?
What, did the Canucks lose again?
Once again America is shamed by the Canuckistanis, cleaning up our messes for us.
Now there's a guy who deserves to have shoes tossed at him.
All the time. Everywhere he goes. He shouldn't be able to leave the bunker without getting hissed at and seeing soles flying at him. Same for the little asshat, y'know ;"he who shall not be named".(During an election year)
skip the shoes, start with bricks
Horseshoes.
"Why do they hate me, Liz? WHY?"
The extraction of billions of dollars in oil profits from the pockets of hardworking Americans?
The subversion of 230 years of constitutional precedent?
The propping up of an illegal war-mongering regime… called the Bush Administration?
Looks like we're gonna be here all day. Better order some pizza.
If only Obama had taken the advice of a former Chief Executive of a State she once was of, Canada would be safe for Dark Helmet and his untalented daughter there today also.
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/CanadaAM/20081208/obama…
You can't blame the guy for not wanting to get poutine-bombed. That stuff is full of sodium.
Not having a pulse, I don't see a downside.
Is blood pressure really a concern for someone that has a mechanical heart?
All them commie free health care doctors are bound to remind the Penis that he's been dead for years now, also too. Unpleasantness.
they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”
Yeah–those moose up there are vicious
(Come to think of it, can we trade away some of our states for some of the Canadian ones?)
A moose bit my sister once…
"Better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” I agree completely. After all, there is now no requirement to register guns here, thanks to our own Cheney lite.
Swinging dick probably means something totally different to Canucks.
This doesn't make me forgive you Canada for that whole Rush thing….But it goes a long way.
also too,
NEEDZ MOAR HOCKEY SCOREZ!
Rush, sophomoric pontificating libertarians (is there any other kind?), whats not to love?
We export war. Canada exports Cirque du Soliel. Darth Vader is afraid of Canada. Go figure.
In fairness, we've exported Celine Dion.
And Justin Bieber and Shania Twain and…
Pissing on someone's grave is neither a threat of violence, nor is it disrespectful to persons suffering from developmental disablities, correct? You can't be too careful these days. Anyone remember Where the Buffalo Roam? What the dog was trained to do when he heard the word "Nixon?" Thats like me, and Cheney. Pavlovian rage.
If you piss outside there's a pretty good chance it's somebody's grave, given our 200,000 year history, so it may as well be Cheney's.
Did San Francisco ever go through with naming the new sewage treatment plant after W?
Haha! I forgot about that. Not sure what ever came of it.
Never has there been a man who so feared death for such good reason.
We should be nice to Canada. They have all that non-foreign tar sands oil that will make gas $2.50 per gallon.
Remind me again, how much is gas per liter in Canada these days?
$2.50 a litre, isn't it?
Maybe he can give his little speech in Baghdad? They owe him so, so much. I'll bet they would welcome him with flowers.
Considering his heart problems, I suspect this cocksucker lives in fear…..period.
Given how afraid he was of serving in Vietnam, and how he built a bunker for himself (at taxpayers' expense) under the VP's house, and how scared he was of Saddam, I'd say that fear is the prime motivator of the gutless coward, so he's the perfect Republican. Party of Fear? Your nation is ready.
He actually fucked Lynn Cheney for the express purpose of getting another deferment, for jeebus' sake. Although that must have taken some bravery.
I was going to suggest that running from an angry mob might do him a bit of good.
I was in Customs at the Toronto Airport just last year and, if I remember correctly, once of the things they check for is your pulse.
Build the Dang Fence!!1! Defend the Northern Border!!1!
Cheney looked so classy in his clodhoppers and snorkel jacket at that state funeral, didn't he? Gosh, for a millionaire DC apparatchik all his life, he managed to absorb exactly zero culture and class, as is also evidenced by his pheasant-massacre parties. What a fucking rube he is, in the end. A fucking rube.
Is it against the new standards for wonkette decorum to wish for someone to get pecked to death by a flock of caged, wing-clipped pheasants?
Under the legal standard for "attempt" crimes, the impossibility of the attempt can actually negate culpability. Likewise here, I believe the implausibility of the means of wished-for death negates the actionability of the words published.
That was a multi decade commemoration of the liberation of Aushwitcz. On that day, he dressed for his own comfort, rather than out of any sense of respect for the dead. I'm surprised he isn't wearing red reindeer mittens.
That's what I thought. I remember being appalled at the time.
The only reason Cheney the Dick (he who hath no pulse) is still alive is because of all that socialist gummint healthcare provided to him courtesy of us. You're welcome @sshole.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if everyone's first name described their personality? (Rick Santorum has a head start… only off by one letter!)
He's already there – Rick is derived from Richard – which is where Dick, Rich and Ricky come from, also, too.
Those BASTARDS!
Indeed,as you say, those bastards.
Funny. When Dick was the post-coup VP, I remember screaming about how my tax dollars shouldn't be used to subsidize something that violated my religious principles.
Too bad we didn't bomb the fuck out of the Iraqis with Plan B packages.
Sure Canada has great affordable/socialist health care… but their mechanic skills are kind of lacking… so if Cheney had any "health" issues he would be screwed with all his robot parts.
Cheney's afraid for his own safety? Couldn't happen to a better War Criminal. Did he ever think of OUR safety (or the Iraquis) while he played with his murderous lying VP boner for 8 years?
Thank God we still have the lovely Liz Cheney – and her boner.
Chickenshit chickenhawk says what?
My god, you'd think anyone would realize the depths to which they'd sunk if they have pissed off Canadians.
If only he had shown the same concern for our soldiers' safety.
In Vancouver they'd throw him Louboutins. Deadly weapon.
Afraid someone will bean him with some back bacon…
Well, I hope Dick Cheney will remember
A Northern man don't need him around anyhow.
Please, Mr. (5 deferments) Cheney has never claimed to be a brave man, except with other people's lives.
Cheney's probably afraid that as soon as he crosses over the border the authorities will drag him oot of the car and haul him off to the big hoose.
Skin-a-ma-rink-a-dinky-dink,
Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo.
We hate youuuuuu!
cheney got trapped in vancouver????
that is just sweet.
I bet he'd crap his pants if he ran into this woman: http://youtu.be/OvgJ6foD58Y
This is a cover for the actual reason of Dick's trip to VAN: taking advantage of socialized medicine to get a new heart.
He's afraid to visit any territory that doesn't kiss his ass. Fuck him.
What a freakin' idgit. Vancouver and Toronto are alike just as San Francisco and Selma are alike. They're in the same country. What an embarrassment!
'Tis true. Canada is the Detroit of the earth.
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