Canada has figured out how to keep Dick Cheney away, why can't the U.S.?

Undead goblin king Dick Cheney dedicated his thousand year shadow reign of darkness to murdering and torturing the people of Iraq in order to make Dick Cheney feel safer, but it turns out he may have picked the wrong country. Dick Cheney now wishes he had bombed Canada, the only nation with citizens wicked enough to shoot such mortal fear into the virus-ridden slime running through Dick Cheney’s veins that he refuses to set foot in it. Freedom-hating Canadians tried to bust in on one of his book readings in Vancouver last September to remind him he is a war criminal, so Dick Cheney has decided to cancel a planned speech in Toronto, out of concerns for his safety. (Sorry about that, Iraq.)

From AP:

Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp. said on Monday that Cheney and his daughter Elizabeth had begged off through their agent.

“After speaking with their security advisers, they changed their mind on coming to the event,” Ruppert said. He said they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”

Last Sept. 26, Cheney was forced to stay holed up in the Vancouver Club for seven hours before it was deemed safe for him to leave. Demonstrators blocked the entrances and at one point scuffled with police.

Seven hours of involuntary detention? Come on, Dick Cheney, we thought the only kind of detention you approved of was indefinite. He’s going soft in his old age. [AP]

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  • He fears The Hague

    • OneDollarJuana

      Is "Hague" Dutch for "reaper"?

      • SorosBot

        Hey now, don't fear the reaper!

        • MissTaken

          Does a cowbell count as a beating heart?

          • Only during the Tour de France

      • World Court.

        Same thing.

    • Isyaignert

      Cheney The Dick is a war criminal. He belongs in the Hague along with GeeDub and the rest of their evil cabal.

    • EatsBabyDingos


    • jjdaddyo

      Is "The Hague" like fisting? Or a blumpkin? That might explain it.

  • chascates

    He fears The Noose

    • FNMA

      Noose and squirrel?

      • NMoose and squirrel?

        Bullwinkle and Rocky? I can actually see one played by Dubya, the other by his deathlord sidekick.

        • redarmyzombie

          Bullwinkle libel!

  • FNMA

    What kind of pussy is afraid of Canadians?

    • freakishlywrong

      Liz n' Dick, that's who.

      • Limeylizzie

        Taylor and Burton?

      • redarmyzombie

        Lizard dick, what?

    • "Eh" sets Dick off

    • SorosBot

      Have you ever watched hockey? Them Canadians is violent.

    • Guppy

      Baby seals.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Well played.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      The same kind who dodged the draft faster than a tap dancer in an outdoor shithouse? Or am I thinking of Bumsfeld? Whatever…

  • tcaalaw

    This makes me proud to be half-Canadian!

    • nounverb911

      Which half?

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'm not even half, but I grew up there, and this whole thing makes me proud I still spell like a Brit.

    • anniegetyerfun

      While I will never be proud of my communist half (lower, duh), I do take comfort in the idea that I could, if need be, flee to my "other home" should Santorum get elected.

      • fuflans

        me too. i've made fun of my canadian mom all my life and now i''m hoist on my own snark. i got citizenship and we often talk about moving to montreal (mom's city / family) if, well, you know.

  • edgydrifter

    It's Canadia. What's the worst that could happen–was he afraid someone would be impolite to him?

  • Cheney is afraid of the Canadians? Or a "hunting accident"

  • zedbot

    zedbot approves, eh.

  • freakishlywrong

    I wish they were afraid to show their faces in Ameriduh. They really should be be.

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, they do speak French up there.

  • Yet another GOP "dead loser."

  • bureaucrap

    If only the Canadian Army would land in McLean and do a "rendition" of Cheney. I'd pay money to see that. (or would it be "extraordinarily rend"?)

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I think you got the headline backwards. It's Canada that is terrified of Cheney. They must picked up a US newspaper recently.

  • Lucidamente1

    "Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp." A wholly owned subsidiary of Dr. Evil Enterprises.

  • freakishlywrong

    Wingnut bullies are afraid of their own shadow. Fuckers.

  • AlterNewt

    Too bad. He might have been able to find the Romney's dog.

  • Crank_Tango

    Pro tip: Canadian waterboarding is better with Molson Canadian

    "An honest brew makes its own friends,"

    John Molson, 1786

    • MadBrahms

      Nothing is better with Molson Canadian. That stuff is torture in it's own right.

      Now, if you were waterboarding me with some Maudite, or maybe some Dieu du Ciel, that might be tolerable.

      • Crank_Tango

        Fin du monde libel!Sent from my iPhone

        • MadBrahms

          Gasp! I would never slander the name of La Fin du Monde!

          Fact of the day: Fin du Monde and Maudite are both produced by Unibroue, which all of my anglophone friends in Quebec insist on pronouncing "unibrow" just to piss off the locals. This has been your fact of the day.

      • anniegetyerfun

        What does Molson Canadian have in common with sex in a canoe?

        • reliefsinn

          I give up.

  • I thought they welcomed anyone with a pulse…

    Oh. Right.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    He had to forgo the blood of the unborn for an entire 7 hours the last time he was there? Horrifying. No wonder he's afraid.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Sauron was not a happy bunny….

  • SorosBot

    Well at least he's paying some penalty for his many war crimes. But it's nowhere near enough.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Extradition now, extradition forever!

  • coolhandnuke

    I've been to the Vancouver Club. Only nudie bar in North America where you can get a lap dance in a bunker while riding a snowmobile.

  • Baconzgood

    “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”

    13 words I thought I'd NEVER hear.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      You've never been to a 'Nucks home game

    • GOPCrusher

      Yeah, if you fear for your personal safety in Canada, you may want to rethink some of the choices you made in life.
      Or don't go bear hunting in a suit made of suet and lard.

  • freakishlywrong

    What happens when he gets afraid? He's got no pulse for fuck's sake.

    • dijetlo

      He develops a valve tap and his main seal leaks a little oil.

  • memzilla

    Hears a Canadian association: I hear "Dick Cheney," but I think "Niagara Falls."

    • Oh, sure, I post the joke, you go find the YouTube and take credit.

      • memzilla

        They paid me in loonies.

        • MadBrahms

          I prefer the toonie, myself. In 20 years or so those coins may be the only evidence left that polar bears ever existed.

          (Edit: yet another HTML fail.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Spectre Live Corp."

    Yes, things were a lot easier for Dick "Ernst Stavro Blofeld" Cheney before Spectre went and did the IPO.

    • Chichikovovich

      Now THRUSH, on the other hand, would have gone forward with the talk, Solo and Kuryakin be damned. Shame that Spectre turned into such pansys.

  • Antispandex

    There is something sort of sad about the fact that he is more afraid in Canada than he is here in the U S of A. I thought WE were the people the world was afraid of. Besides, we got it up the rear worse than Canada.

  • Ryan Ruppert

    Wait. Does this mean Gary Ruppert is CANADIAN????

  • V572 Flambé

    Well you didn't see the Dickster in the end zone at the Super Bowl, wearing a rainbow wig and holding up a "John 3:16" sign, did ya?

  • OneYieldRegular

    What, did the Canucks lose again?

  • V572 Flambé

    Once again America is shamed by the Canuckistanis, cleaning up our messes for us.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Now there's a guy who deserves to have shoes tossed at him.

    • freakishlywrong

      All the time. Everywhere he goes. He shouldn't be able to leave the bunker without getting hissed at and seeing soles flying at him. Same for the little asshat, y'know ;"he who shall not be named".(During an election year)

    • GeorgiaBurning

      skip the shoes, start with bricks

    • GOPCrusher


  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Why do they hate me, Liz? WHY?"

    • memzilla

      The extraction of billions of dollars in oil profits from the pockets of hardworking Americans?

      The subversion of 230 years of constitutional precedent?

      The propping up of an illegal war-mongering regime… called the Bush Administration?

      Looks like we're gonna be here all day. Better order some pizza.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    If only Obama had taken the advice of a former Chief Executive of a State she once was of, Canada would be safe for Dark Helmet and his untalented daughter there today also.

  • MadBrahms

    You can't blame the guy for not wanting to get poutine-bombed. That stuff is full of sodium.

    • Biff

      Not having a pulse, I don't see a downside.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is blood pressure really a concern for someone that has a mechanical heart?

  • CrunchyKnee

    All them commie free health care doctors are bound to remind the Penis that he's been dead for years now, also too. Unpleasantness.

  • Callyson

    they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”
    Yeah–those moose up there are vicious
    (Come to think of it, can we trade away some of our states for some of the Canadian ones?)

    • SorosBot

      A moose bit my sister once…

  • the_problem_child

    "Better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” I agree completely. After all, there is now no requirement to register guns here, thanks to our own Cheney lite.

  • smashedinhat

    Swinging dick probably means something totally different to Canucks.

  • Baconzgood

    This doesn't make me forgive you Canada for that whole Rush thing….But it goes a long way.

    also too,


    • prommie

      Rush, sophomoric pontificating libertarians (is there any other kind?), whats not to love?

  • owhatever

    We export war. Canada exports Cirque du Soliel. Darth Vader is afraid of Canada. Go figure.

    • montreal_bruin

      In fairness, we've exported Celine Dion.

      • Negropolis

        And Justin Bieber and Shania Twain and…

  • prommie

    Pissing on someone's grave is neither a threat of violence, nor is it disrespectful to persons suffering from developmental disablities, correct? You can't be too careful these days. Anyone remember Where the Buffalo Roam? What the dog was trained to do when he heard the word "Nixon?" Thats like me, and Cheney. Pavlovian rage.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      If you piss outside there's a pretty good chance it's somebody's grave, given our 200,000 year history, so it may as well be Cheney's.

      • prommie

        Did San Francisco ever go through with naming the new sewage treatment plant after W?

        • SheriffRoscoe

          Haha! I forgot about that. Not sure what ever came of it.

  • dijetlo

    Never has there been a man who so feared death for such good reason.

  • We should be nice to Canada. They have all that non-foreign tar sands oil that will make gas $2.50 per gallon.

    • Biff

      Remind me again, how much is gas per liter in Canada these days?

    • ibwilliamsi

      $2.50 a litre, isn't it?

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Maybe he can give his little speech in Baghdad? They owe him so, so much. I'll bet they would welcome him with flowers.

  • ttommyunger

    Considering his heart problems, I suspect this cocksucker lives in fear…..period.

    • Veritas78

      Given how afraid he was of serving in Vietnam, and how he built a bunker for himself (at taxpayers' expense) under the VP's house, and how scared he was of Saddam, I'd say that fear is the prime motivator of the gutless coward, so he's the perfect Republican. Party of Fear? Your nation is ready.

      He actually fucked Lynn Cheney for the express purpose of getting another deferment, for jeebus' sake. Although that must have taken some bravery.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I was going to suggest that running from an angry mob might do him a bit of good.

  • metamarcisf

    I was in Customs at the Toronto Airport just last year and, if I remember correctly, once of the things they check for is your pulse.

  • RadioStalingrad

    Build the Dang Fence!!1! Defend the Northern Border!!1!

  • prommie

    Cheney looked so classy in his clodhoppers and snorkel jacket at that state funeral, didn't he? Gosh, for a millionaire DC apparatchik all his life, he managed to absorb exactly zero culture and class, as is also evidenced by his pheasant-massacre parties. What a fucking rube he is, in the end. A fucking rube.

    • LetUsBray

      Is it against the new standards for wonkette decorum to wish for someone to get pecked to death by a flock of caged, wing-clipped pheasants?

      • prommie

        Under the legal standard for "attempt" crimes, the impossibility of the attempt can actually negate culpability. Likewise here, I believe the implausibility of the means of wished-for death negates the actionability of the words published.

    • DemonicRage

      That was a multi decade commemoration of the liberation of Aushwitcz. On that day, he dressed for his own comfort, rather than out of any sense of respect for the dead. I'm surprised he isn't wearing red reindeer mittens.

      • That's what I thought. I remember being appalled at the time.

  • Isyaignert

    The only reason Cheney the Dick (he who hath no pulse) is still alive is because of all that socialist gummint healthcare provided to him courtesy of us. You're welcome @sshole.

  • Wouldn't life be so much easier if everyone's first name described their personality? (Rick Santorum has a head start… only off by one letter!)

    • Isyaignert

      He's already there – Rick is derived from Richard – which is where Dick, Rich and Ricky come from, also, too.

  • redarmyzombie

    Those BASTARDS!

    • prommie

      Indeed,as you say, those bastards.

  • Funny. When Dick was the post-coup VP, I remember screaming about how my tax dollars shouldn't be used to subsidize something that violated my religious principles.

    Too bad we didn't bomb the fuck out of the Iraqis with Plan B packages.

  • DaRooster

    Sure Canada has great affordable/socialist health care… but their mechanic skills are kind of lacking… so if Cheney had any "health" issues he would be screwed with all his robot parts.

  • SiameseCatLady

    Cheney's afraid for his own safety? Couldn't happen to a better War Criminal. Did he ever think of OUR safety (or the Iraquis) while he played with his murderous lying VP boner for 8 years?

    Thank God we still have the lovely Liz Cheney – and her boner.

  • HarryButtle

    Chickenshit chickenhawk says what?

  • larrykat

    My god, you'd think anyone would realize the depths to which they'd sunk if they have pissed off Canadians.

  • Generation[redacted]

    If only he had shown the same concern for our soldiers' safety.


    In Vancouver they'd throw him Louboutins. Deadly weapon.

  • lochnessmonster

    Afraid someone will bean him with some back bacon…

  • sezme

    Well, I hope Dick Cheney will remember
    A Northern man don't need him around anyhow.

  • Ducksworthy

    Please, Mr. (5 deferments) Cheney has never claimed to be a brave man, except with other people's lives.

  • C_R_Eature

    Cheney's probably afraid that as soon as he crosses over the border the authorities will drag him oot of the car and haul him off to the big hoose.

  • Skin-a-ma-rink-a-dinky-dink,
    We hate youuuuuu!

  • fuflans

    cheney got trapped in vancouver????

    that is just sweet.

  • schaffershokai

    I bet he'd crap his pants if he ran into this woman:

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is a cover for the actual reason of Dick's trip to VAN: taking advantage of socialized medicine to get a new heart.

  • WiscDad

    He's afraid to visit any territory that doesn't kiss his ass. Fuck him.

  • ibwilliamsi

    What a freakin' idgit. Vancouver and Toronto are alike just as San Francisco and Selma are alike. They're in the same country. What an embarrassment!

  • Negropolis

    'Tis true. Canada is the Detroit of the earth.

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