WUSS  1:57 pm March 13, 2012

Tough Guy War Criminal Dick Cheney Terrified of Visiting Canada

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Canada has figured out how to keep Dick Cheney away, why can't the U.S.?

Undead goblin king Dick Cheney dedicated his thousand year shadow reign of darkness to murdering and torturing the people of Iraq in order to make Dick Cheney feel safer, but it turns out he may have picked the wrong country. Dick Cheney now wishes he had bombed Canada, the only nation with citizens wicked enough to shoot such mortal fear into the virus-ridden slime running through Dick Cheney’s veins that he refuses to set foot in it. Freedom-hating Canadians tried to bust in on one of his book readings in Vancouver last September to remind him he is a war criminal, so Dick Cheney has decided to cancel a planned speech in Toronto, out of concerns for his safety. (Sorry about that, Iraq.)

From AP:

Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp. said on Monday that Cheney and his daughter Elizabeth had begged off through their agent.

“After speaking with their security advisers, they changed their mind on coming to the event,” Ruppert said. He said they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”

Last Sept. 26, Cheney was forced to stay holed up in the Vancouver Club for seven hours before it was deemed safe for him to leave. Demonstrators blocked the entrances and at one point scuffled with police.

Seven hours of involuntary detention? Come on, Dick Cheney, we thought the only kind of detention you approved of was indefinite. He’s going soft in his old age. [AP]

 
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{ 129 comments }

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:59 pm

He fears The Hague

OneDollarJuana March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Is "Hague" Dutch for "reaper"?

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Hey now, don't fear the reaper!

MissTaken March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Does a cowbell count as a beating heart?

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Only during the Tour de France

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

World Court.

Same thing.

Isyaignert March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Cheney The Dick is a war criminal. He belongs in the Hague along with GeeDub and the rest of their evil cabal.

EatsBabyDingos March 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Al?

jjdaddyo March 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Is "The Hague" like fisting? Or a blumpkin? That might explain it.

chascates March 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

He fears The Noose

FNMA March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Noose and squirrel?

Mumbletypeg March 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

NMoose and squirrel?

Bullwinkle and Rocky? I can actually see one played by Dubya, the other by his deathlord sidekick.

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Bullwinkle libel!

FNMA March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

What kind of pussy is afraid of Canadians?

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Liz n' Dick, that's who.

Limeylizzie March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Taylor and Burton?

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Lizard dick, what?

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

"Eh" sets Dick off

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Have you ever watched hockey? Them Canadians is violent.

Guppy March 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Baby seals.

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Well played.

MaxNeanderthal March 13, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The same kind who dodged the draft faster than a tap dancer in an outdoor shithouse? Or am I thinking of Bumsfeld? Whatever…

tcaalaw March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

This makes me proud to be half-Canadian!

nounverb911 March 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Which half?

WhatTheHolyHeck March 13, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I'm not even half, but I grew up there, and this whole thing makes me proud I still spell like a Brit.

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

While I will never be proud of my communist half (lower, duh), I do take comfort in the idea that I could, if need be, flee to my "other home" should Santorum get elected.

fuflans March 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm

me too. i've made fun of my canadian mom all my life and now i''m hoist on my own snark. i got citizenship and we often talk about moving to montreal (mom's city / family) if, well, you know.

edgydrifter March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

It's Canadia. What's the worst that could happen–was he afraid someone would be impolite to him?

Maman March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Cheney is afraid of the Canadians? Or a "hunting accident"

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I wish they were afraid to show their faces in Ameriduh. They really should be be.

zedbot March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

zedbot approves, eh.

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Well, they do speak French up there.

Chillatte March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yet another GOP "dead loser."

bureaucrap March 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm

If only the Canadian Army would land in McLean and do a "rendition" of Cheney. I'd pay money to see that. (or would it be "extraordinarily rend"?)

Native_of_SL_UT March 13, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I think you got the headline backwards. It's Canada that is terrified of Cheney. They must picked up a US newspaper recently.

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 2:04 pm

"Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp." A wholly owned subsidiary of Dr. Evil Enterprises.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Wingnut bullies are afraid of their own shadow. Fuckers.

AlterNewt March 13, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Too bad. He might have been able to find the Romney's dog.

Crank_Tango March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Pro tip: Canadian waterboarding is better with Molson Canadian

"An honest brew makes its own friends,"

John Molson, 1786

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Nothing is better with Molson Canadian. That stuff is torture in it's own right.

Now, if you were waterboarding me with some Maudite, or maybe some Dieu du Ciel, that might be tolerable.

Crank_Tango March 13, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Fin du monde libel!Sent from my iPhone

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Gasp! I would never slander the name of La Fin du Monde!

Fact of the day: Fin du Monde and Maudite are both produced by Unibroue, which all of my anglophone friends in Quebec insist on pronouncing "unibrow" just to piss off the locals. This has been your fact of the day.

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

What does Molson Canadian have in common with sex in a canoe?

reliefsinn March 14, 2012 at 9:24 am

I give up.

FlownOver March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I thought they welcomed anyone with a pulse…

Oh. Right.

CogitoErgoBibo March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

He had to forgo the blood of the unborn for an entire 7 hours the last time he was there? Horrifying. No wonder he's afraid.

MaxNeanderthal March 13, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Sauron was not a happy bunny….

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Well at least he's paying some penalty for his many war crimes. But it's nowhere near enough.

elviouslyqueer March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Extradition now, extradition forever!

coolhandnuke March 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I've been to the Vancouver Club. Only nudie bar in North America where you can get a lap dance in a bunker while riding a snowmobile.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

“decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”

13 words I thought I'd NEVER hear.

GeorgiaBurning March 13, 2012 at 2:25 pm

You've never been to a 'Nucks home game

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Yeah, if you fear for your personal safety in Canada, you may want to rethink some of the choices you made in life.
Or don't go bear hunting in a suit made of suet and lard.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

What happens when he gets afraid? He's got no pulse for fuck's sake.

dijetlo March 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

He develops a valve tap and his main seal leaks a little oil.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Hears a Canadian association: I hear "Dick Cheney," but I think "Niagara Falls."

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Oh, sure, I post the joke, you go find the YouTube and take credit.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

They paid me in loonies.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I prefer the toonie, myself. In 20 years or so those coins may be the only evidence left that polar bears ever existed.

(Edit: yet another HTML fail.)

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"Spectre Live Corp."

Yes, things were a lot easier for Dick "Ernst Stavro Blofeld" Cheney before Spectre went and did the IPO.

Chichikovovich March 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Now THRUSH, on the other hand, would have gone forward with the talk, Solo and Kuryakin be damned. Shame that Spectre turned into such pansys.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

http://wesclark.com/am/thrush_gun.jpg

I remember getting this for my 7th birthday. Awesome.

Antispandex March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

There is something sort of sad about the fact that he is more afraid in Canada than he is here in the U S of A. I thought WE were the people the world was afraid of. Besides, we got it up the rear worse than Canada.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Ryan Ruppert

Wait. Does this mean Gary Ruppert is CANADIAN????

V572 Flambé March 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Well you didn't see the Dickster in the end zone at the Super Bowl, wearing a rainbow wig and holding up a "John 3:16" sign, did ya?

OneYieldRegular March 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

What, did the Canucks lose again?

V572 Flambé March 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Once again America is shamed by the Canuckistanis, cleaning up our messes for us.

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Now there's a guy who deserves to have shoes tossed at him.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

All the time. Everywhere he goes. He shouldn't be able to leave the bunker without getting hissed at and seeing soles flying at him. Same for the little asshat, y'know ;"he who shall not be named".(During an election year)

GeorgiaBurning March 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

skip the shoes, start with bricks

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Horseshoes.

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"Why do they hate me, Liz? WHY?"

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The extraction of billions of dollars in oil profits from the pockets of hardworking Americans?

The subversion of 230 years of constitutional precedent?

The propping up of an illegal war-mongering regime… called the Bush Administration?

Looks like we're gonna be here all day. Better order some pizza.

NorthStarSpanx March 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

If only Obama had taken the advice of a former Chief Executive of a State she once was of, Canada would be safe for Dark Helmet and his untalented daughter there today also.
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/CanadaAM/20081208/obama

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

You can't blame the guy for not wanting to get poutine-bombed. That stuff is full of sodium.

Biff March 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Not having a pulse, I don't see a downside.

GOPCrusher March 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Is blood pressure really a concern for someone that has a mechanical heart?

CrunchyKnee March 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

All them commie free health care doctors are bound to remind the Penis that he's been dead for years now, also too. Unpleasantness.

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”
Yeah–those moose up there are vicious
(Come to think of it, can we trade away some of our states for some of the Canadian ones?)

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm

A moose bit my sister once…

the_problem_child March 13, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"Better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” I agree completely. After all, there is now no requirement to register guns here, thanks to our own Cheney lite.

smashedinhat March 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Swinging dick probably means something totally different to Canucks.

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

This doesn't make me forgive you Canada for that whole Rush thing….But it goes a long way.

also too,

NEEDZ MOAR HOCKEY SCOREZ!

prommie March 13, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Rush, sophomoric pontificating libertarians (is there any other kind?), whats not to love?

owhatever March 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

We export war. Canada exports Cirque du Soliel. Darth Vader is afraid of Canada. Go figure.

montreal_bruin March 13, 2012 at 5:12 pm

In fairness, we've exported Celine Dion.

Negropolis March 14, 2012 at 3:31 am

And Justin Bieber and Shania Twain and…

prommie March 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Pissing on someone's grave is neither a threat of violence, nor is it disrespectful to persons suffering from developmental disablities, correct? You can't be too careful these days. Anyone remember Where the Buffalo Roam? What the dog was trained to do when he heard the word "Nixon?" Thats like me, and Cheney. Pavlovian rage.

SheriffRoscoe March 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

If you piss outside there's a pretty good chance it's somebody's grave, given our 200,000 year history, so it may as well be Cheney's.

prommie March 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Did San Francisco ever go through with naming the new sewage treatment plant after W?

SheriffRoscoe March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Haha! I forgot about that. Not sure what ever came of it.

dijetlo March 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Never has there been a man who so feared death for such good reason.

JustPixelz March 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm

We should be nice to Canada. They have all that non-foreign tar sands oil that will make gas $2.50 per gallon.

Biff March 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Remind me again, how much is gas per liter in Canada these days?

ibwilliamsi March 14, 2012 at 2:04 am

$2.50 a litre, isn't it?

AlaskaGrrl March 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Maybe he can give his little speech in Baghdad? They owe him so, so much. I'll bet they would welcome him with flowers.

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Considering his heart problems, I suspect this cocksucker lives in fear…..period.

Veritas78 March 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Given how afraid he was of serving in Vietnam, and how he built a bunker for himself (at taxpayers' expense) under the VP's house, and how scared he was of Saddam, I'd say that fear is the prime motivator of the gutless coward, so he's the perfect Republican. Party of Fear? Your nation is ready.

He actually fucked Lynn Cheney for the express purpose of getting another deferment, for jeebus' sake. Although that must have taken some bravery.

SheriffRoscoe March 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I was going to suggest that running from an angry mob might do him a bit of good.

metamarcisf March 13, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I was in Customs at the Toronto Airport just last year and, if I remember correctly, once of the things they check for is your pulse.

RadioStalingrad March 13, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Build the Dang Fence!!1! Defend the Northern Border!!1!

prommie March 13, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Cheney looked so classy in his clodhoppers and snorkel jacket at that state funeral, didn't he? Gosh, for a millionaire DC apparatchik all his life, he managed to absorb exactly zero culture and class, as is also evidenced by his pheasant-massacre parties. What a fucking rube he is, in the end. A fucking rube.

LetUsBray March 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Is it against the new standards for wonkette decorum to wish for someone to get pecked to death by a flock of caged, wing-clipped pheasants?

prommie March 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Under the legal standard for "attempt" crimes, the impossibility of the attempt can actually negate culpability. Likewise here, I believe the implausibility of the means of wished-for death negates the actionability of the words published.

DemonicRage March 13, 2012 at 7:47 pm

That was a multi decade commemoration of the liberation of Aushwitcz. On that day, he dressed for his own comfort, rather than out of any sense of respect for the dead. I'm surprised he isn't wearing red reindeer mittens.

starfanglednut March 13, 2012 at 8:25 pm

That's what I thought. I remember being appalled at the time.

Isyaignert March 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm

The only reason Cheney the Dick (he who hath no pulse) is still alive is because of all that socialist gummint healthcare provided to him courtesy of us. You're welcome @sshole.

valthemus March 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Wouldn't life be so much easier if everyone's first name described their personality? (Rick Santorum has a head start… only off by one letter!)

Isyaignert March 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

He's already there – Rick is derived from Richard – which is where Dick, Rich and Ricky come from, also, too.

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Those BASTARDS!

prommie March 13, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Indeed,as you say, those bastards.

slowhansolo March 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Funny. When Dick was the post-coup VP, I remember screaming about how my tax dollars shouldn't be used to subsidize something that violated my religious principles.

Too bad we didn't bomb the fuck out of the Iraqis with Plan B packages.

DaRooster March 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Sure Canada has great affordable/socialist health care… but their mechanic skills are kind of lacking… so if Cheney had any "health" issues he would be screwed with all his robot parts.

SiameseCatLady March 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Cheney's afraid for his own safety? Couldn't happen to a better War Criminal. Did he ever think of OUR safety (or the Iraquis) while he played with his murderous lying VP boner for 8 years?

Thank God we still have the lovely Liz Cheney – and her boner.

HarryButtle March 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Chickenshit chickenhawk says what?

larrykat March 13, 2012 at 4:08 pm

My god, you'd think anyone would realize the depths to which they'd sunk if they have pissed off Canadians.

Generation[redacted] March 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

If only he had shown the same concern for our soldiers' safety.

BTWBFDIMHO March 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

In Vancouver they'd throw him Louboutins. Deadly weapon.

lochnessmonster March 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Afraid someone will bean him with some back bacon…

sezme March 13, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Well, I hope Dick Cheney will remember
A Northern man don't need him around anyhow.

Ducksworthy March 13, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Please, Mr. (5 deferments) Cheney has never claimed to be a brave man, except with other people's lives.

C_R_Eature March 13, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Cheney's probably afraid that as soon as he crosses over the border the authorities will drag him oot of the car and haul him off to the big hoose.

DemmeFatale March 13, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Skin-a-ma-rink-a-dinky-dink,
Skin-a-ma-rinky-doo.
We hate youuuuuu!

fuflans March 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm

cheney got trapped in vancouver????

that is just sweet.

schaffershokai March 13, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I bet he'd crap his pants if he ran into this woman: http://youtu.be/OvgJ6foD58Y

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 9:37 pm

This is a cover for the actual reason of Dick's trip to VAN: taking advantage of socialized medicine to get a new heart.

WiscDad March 13, 2012 at 10:30 pm

He's afraid to visit any territory that doesn't kiss his ass. Fuck him.

ibwilliamsi March 14, 2012 at 2:03 am

What a freakin' idgit. Vancouver and Toronto are alike just as San Francisco and Selma are alike. They're in the same country. What an embarrassment!

Negropolis March 14, 2012 at 3:26 am

'Tis true. Canada is the Detroit of the earth.

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