POLLS  12:02 pm March 13, 2012

Totally Non-Shocking Poll Results: Americans A-Okay With Denying Sluts Birth Control

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

But-but-but TAXPAYERz!Was your day going a little too well until now? Were the birds annoying you with their musical chirps, and the sun just cold pissing you off with its warming rays? Then you will want to take a look at this NYT/CBS poll on American attitudes towards President Barack Obama and other filthy whores. Proving you can never repeat nonsense bullshit like “they want us taxpayers to pay them to have sex!” too many times, the gentlefolk on the right appear to have won this round with the simple childlike (“nuanced”?) morans of the US of A.

Also too, Bammerz is down like a million to forty (41 percent job performance approval; 47 percent disapproval), because he singlehandedly tripled gas prices from that $1.79 low they were at for five seconds when he was inaugurated, due to a drop in demand from all the factories shutting down and the drop in demand from nobody having work to drive to. Your editrix will be drinking extra-early today, for Jesus. [NYT/CBS Poll, via Dave Weigel]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 120 comments }

nounverb911 March 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm

That takes care of Newt's wives, what about the rest of America?

Baconzgood March 13, 2012 at 12:06 pm

NEEDZ MOAR BLURRY!

proudgrampa March 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I thought that was just my astigmatism.

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I love the smell of concern trolling in the morning. Thanks, NYT/CBS.

http://www.thepeoplesview.net/2012/03/rigging-pol

http://www.thepeoplesview.net/2012/03/explaining-

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

THANK YOU for passing this on. Every time I think of giving in and paying up to the NYT firewall, I see crap like this…
Assholes.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Yeah, a 41-point swing in opinion on covering basic women's health care does seem just a wee bit suspicious.

Z Crudmonger March 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm

There will be many many more polls like this…..thanks for the heads up.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I love polls. Specially when the bitches are swinging on them.
If they don't not know about somethin, somthin, who cares.

coolhandnuke March 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

If these Americans are opposed to birth control, then by employing counter logic, they're for abortion freedom.

JustPixelz March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Or for orphanages. (I guess foundlings is more accurate term.)

gigihopes March 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

As long as the orphanages are privatized.

kissawookiee March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

And workhouses; never forget the workhouses.

starfanglednut March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Janitorial duties in schools.

FlownOver March 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

That's fucking IT! I'm gonna face the setting sun, turn right, start moving and not stop until somebody says "aboot."

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

With your luck, you'll run into an NHL team on a road trip

Lascauxcaveman March 13, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Czechs, Swedes and Russians rarely say "aboot."

WhatTheHeck March 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

You’ll have to do an aboot turn ’cause the Canucks don’t want us sluts and whores whoring up their country.

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And anyhow, Canadia is way, way too violent.

ManchuCandidate March 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Considering it was probably based on landlines… of course oldz have a hard time with it. It's not like a lot of them can get some… or get it up for that matter.

Of course, if it were the real general mood then why is Rush back tracking faster than the speed of light?

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Check out Lucidamente1's link above: it's worse than that:
In the polling sample, Republican primary voters are 23.6% of all those polled (301 of 1009 total polled). But luckily, we don't have to look at the Times or CBS News to know what the actual turnout of GOP primary voters are as a percentage of the voting age population is, what with actual primaries going on right now and stuff. The actual percentage of voters turning out in GOP primaries as a percentage of the voting age population? 11.5%. So the pollsters more than double the representation of GOP primary voters over what the actual voting numbers are.
Morans.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:28 pm

As one of the really olds, I think that I disagree. , There is nothing wrong with people wanting salad dressing instead of mayonnaise
Don't not group us in people that are against swimming..

FROTHY March 13, 2012 at 8:45 pm

As an Official Oldz, I srsly resemble that remark.

DerrickWildcat March 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I guess this clears up your stance on birds.

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Dude, she is NEVER going to give you an answer on that, but I salute you for not letting her sweep it under the rug.

Which ties the whole room together.

WhatTheHeck March 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm

God knows every feather on every bird and concerns herself on which on poops on my car every day.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

She sees every baby bird fall out of the nest & the bitch just lets them fall.

FROTHY March 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm

If it's the same fookin' Gawd that told each and every one of these Republican morans to run for office because she wuz gonna, you know, make sure they winny-winny-win, and all, well, she is one mean little fuck.

memzilla March 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

If you think your allusion to extra-early morning drinking is gonna endear you to this crowd… you're right.

Redrighthand March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Early morning drinking is the breakfast beer at 5:30 before I go to work on the fish pier. Noon is downright respectable where I come from..

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:29 pm

And that 4AM bottle of vodka for the post-sleep, pre-morning snooze!

What?

proudgrampa March 13, 2012 at 12:59 pm

All of them, Katie!

HistoriCat March 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Sometimes I add a little coffee to my morning Kahlua.

FROTHY March 13, 2012 at 8:47 pm

(Rubs that furry belly for good luck and also osmosis of morning Kahlua)

Lucidamente1 March 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

If you rephrase the question, say, "should employers be allowed to get up in your lady business," I'm sure the results would be different. Oh, NYT/CBS, nobody concern trolls like you!

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I have always wanted to get up in lady business.

Goonemeritus March 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I’m betting Americans are more pissed off about gas prices. Not that I’m the ultimate arbiter of American sentiment but in my experience we like sluts. And we prefer them in the non-pregnant variety. As to the approval rating wait a week and we will have a different opinion based on some other shiny object.

prommie March 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Amazingly, the democrats have achieved great success in framing the debate, too, with the majority of people believing that the primary issue is one of women's health, and not a matter of religious freedom, and yet, still, the people prefer letting religious institutions opt out. Fuck me, what the fuck, ya know? I'd like to see cross-tabs on that, see how the numbers come out among those who believe the primary issue is religious freedom, and those who believe the primary issue is women's health, because something is fucked up about that, 50+% believe the primary issue is women's health, while only 36% believe the primary issue is religious freedom, yet over 50% say religious affiliated institutions should be able to opt out of providing coverage. Something is fishy.

Lascauxcaveman March 13, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I know from Catholics, and even the ones who use birth control and support a woman's right to choose seem to be steadfast in the opinion that insurers shouldn't have to pay for it. Most of them seem to be OK with gay marriage, as long you use some other word for it – anything but "marriage."

"The LORD works in mysterious ways…"

Jukesgrrl March 13, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Americans have trouble with teh mathz. I blame FOX Nooze, where 79% and 36% equals 100%.

Chillatte March 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm

This shit is just like a trailer for Idiocracy.

(Sorry to repeat myself, but I love that movie!).

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 12:16 pm

As well you should. It's the wellspring of life in modern America. With electrolytes, no less.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

i can't believe you like money too. we should hang out.

Exhausted66 March 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It has what plants crave!

hagajim March 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Brawndo. I'll tell ya…seems like we're getting closer and closer.

TheMightyHaltor March 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm

The only thing inaccurate about that movie is that it took five hundred years to happen.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

That is just a movie & not a documentary ? I left the states because I knew that the movie was too subtle & understated.

Beetagger March 13, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Since the only women who are attracted to me are post-menopausal, I'm ok with this.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Wow! Lucky you. The only womens what like me have been dead for years.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You met my ex-wife, I see.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Nah! She would have been too exciting for me.

I get excited watching a dog shit. If it is female, I run home to change underwear.

veritass March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Only the GOP (almost entirely made up of penis-bearing individuals) could orchestrate a public campaign, supported in huge part by men, to make it harder for women to have sex.

Such trolls.

Redhead March 13, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Their apparent affiliation for (often-underage) rentboys is starting to make more and more sense.

DaRooster March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I too am going home early today to indulge…

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Ask a stupid person a stupid poll question and you will get a stupid answer.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I really want to see the poll results for "Would you rather have your insurance company save money by paying a few dollars each month for pregnancy prevention or waste buckets of money paying for unwanted pregnancies and the born children until they enlist in the army when they're eighteen to get their own health insurance and oh by the way, anyone left UNinsured is charged full price for hospitalization and care, which is why a FUCKING ASPIRIN COSTS YOU $10 WHEN YOU COME IN FOR A HEART ATTACK, YOU FAT BUFFOON?"

See? That's a poll question worth asking.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

So quit asking me.

johnnyzhivago March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

This is good news for Sarah Palin, who is one of the world's greatest experts on energy and birth control.

AlterNewt March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

No wonder the world wants to break up with us.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I know how hard it is to break up with one person cuz they're a moron, but an entire nation?

Whoa. There ain't enough roses on the planet.

Z Crudmonger March 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I've heard they are looking to get a restraining order.

MadBrahms March 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"Look, it's not you, it's me. Well, actually, no, it's mostly you. Sorry about that. I'm going to need you launch keys and all that money I loaned you back"

EatsBabyDingos March 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I see you can choose "cover birth control" or "Depends." I assume this is a Walnutz choice. Or, maybe a Diaper Dave Vitter choice.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 13, 2012 at 12:14 pm

In other news, they will soon start retrofitting the country's supply of gum ball machines to dispense boner pills.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Them hores. I am available, in case of desperation.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm

It's interesting that the support FOR making insurance pay for birth control is pretty firm, meaning that it doesn't change much when you add in the faith component.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Well, why SHOULD hateful old fossils who sit at home during the day and answer their landlines not hate the Kenyan Muslin and want to pay for slut's to have sex all day? After all, THEY don't, so why should anyone else?

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

“they want us taxpayers to pay them to have sex!”

If they pay me to masturbate, I will give them a discount.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Half off?

SmutBoffin March 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

WONKETTE POLL

Do you think that health insurance companies should have to cover the treatment costs for dumbasses who accidentally shoot themselves with their Wal*Mart .38s?

a) GUNS ARE GOOD FOR THE ECOMONY, LIBUNATIC
b) where 'dem slutz at?
c) you can't write that here, this is a family website!
d) as long as transaction are made with Trucknutz and krugerrands

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Is this a trick question?

KeepFnThatChicken March 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I DO NOT WANT MY TAX DOLLARS BUYING "DEPENDS" FOR ANYONE.

YOUR INCONTINENCE IS NOT MY PROBLEM, OLDS.

oh, wait, read that wrong…

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Well said. Viagra also too.

Callyson March 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Though, if you read on, seems the voters haz a confused:
Do you think the debate about this issue is more about religious freedom or more about women's health and their rights?
Religious freedom: 37%
Women's health/freedom: 51%

anniegetyerfun March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Oh, so they're not confused! They're just assholes!

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

fucking dirtbag cracker assholes, to be precise.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

does that mean they are flat against women's freedom?

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Womens rights?

elviouslyqueer March 13, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I have a couple questions that should be included on the poll. Y'know, for accuracy in sampling methodology:

1) Do you consider yourself to be a nose-picking moron?

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

2) Do you consider most Americans to be nose-picking morons?

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

BaldarTFlagass March 13, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.

oldedinvn March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

When I pick my nose, I am looking for valuables
All others are morans..

philpjfry March 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I swear to God I am going to stop reading about politics. I just get too depressed at how stupid, mean sprited and short sighted people are. I just can't start drinking early enough to cope with it.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I come here to read about politics because it's about the only place you can without going absolutely barking mad.

Honestly, this "paying for sex" stuff just shows you that if you loudly proclaim something UTTERLY STUPID long enough then you can bend the minds of the morlocks to your will, which is ineffably sad.

freakishlywrong March 13, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It's exhausting. So easily mockable and de-bunkable, but all that energy spent just trying to get all these stupid fucks to pay attention.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 12:44 pm

fuck it. i'm buying an air raid siren.

Redrighthand March 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm

This is good news for junkyard prophet.

UnholyMoses March 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I'll totally believe this settled-60-years-ago argument is about "religious freedom" just as soon as those male bishops and that pig KLo start an uproar about how they won't pay for Viagra, Cialis, or other boner pills unless the guys taking them can prove they're using them to make babies.

But they aren't, are they?

Until they do, they can all kindly shut the holy fuck up.

Doktor Zoom March 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Moved from the story about the N. Carolina bullshit:

You want to see another case for contraception? Pretty much 2/3 of the couples who come through Family Court. But, yeah, let's just tell people not to fuck, because the ENTIRE HISTORY OF HUMAN SOCIETY has shown how well that works.

Honestly, working here has done quite a bit to reinforce my view that while humanity has had a pretty good run, the responsible thing to do now would be to stop reproducing and let some other species have a shot at evolving something better.

Steverino247 March 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

But it's so much better to have to pay child support for 18 years than to wear a 50 cent condom once. The drive to reproduce overwhelms the higher brain functions enough times to make it appear near certain to occur.

The new trend in FC is to have couples who coupled for about ten minutes thirty minutes after meeting spend the next 18 years arguing about child custody with a person they know nothing about. Well, other than how their sexual organs feel.

I swear, on my last day here, I 'm going to have to shout "Wait a minute! Six months ago you were licking each other's assholes and moaning about how great that was. Now suddenly (he/she) is the Anti-Christ? I'm not buying it."

mrblifil March 13, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Seems like the whole solution is for everyone to stop having sex forever. I don't see why so many people have difficulty getting this.

magic_titty March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Ancient taxpayers were also against the pill, and now look what we're stuck with: Christianity.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 12:27 pm

In fairness, I don't think the pill would have prevented Jesus' conception. Omnipotence, you see. God is more fecund than Ron Jeremy.

Oblios_Cap March 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I don't believe any of these polls. The "news" people just report whatever narrative their corporate overloards tell them to.

Lies, damn lies, and statistics.

Also.

Redhead March 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

But what are their feelings about my health insurance covering treatment for the concussion I'm about to have in five minutes after beating my head against the wall from this nonsense?

LetUsBray March 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm

America sez: "Gas prices are too high. Therefore we should have a theocratic totalitarian nightmare republic". No, that's not depressing at all.

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm

And sigh, I hate to sound like a broken record here, but people do not have "religious or moral objections" to birth control. They have religious objections to birth control, which is not a moral issue. The Catholic Church my try and call their taboo against birth control ":moral", but it's not; it's a religious taboo or sin, and religion and morality have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Or would you say that Orthodox Jews and Muslims have a "moral" objection to eating pork, and so could legally prevent their employees from eating it?

zedbot March 13, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Dear Deadweight Masses:

Please rapture now.

Love,
Zed

hagajim March 13, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I find it fascinating that a country where Ashley Madison, Cougarlife and every other cheating/whoring/sexing website in the world exist and make money, has a hard time with the birth control….good God, how dumb are we getting?

Chet Kincaid March 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm

We all know who the idiots are who regurgitate this orchestrated wingtard message on polling-demand. The important question is, are enough women going to rise up and vote the assholes out?

mavenmaven March 13, 2012 at 12:41 pm

That audience would also like to see more tar and feathering and perhaps a return to stocks and pillories (only for women of course).

prommie March 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I don't want my tax dollars to pay for predator drone murders of random people half a world away. What the fuck?

CogitoErgoBibo March 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm

While my ladybits are flattered by all the attention they've been getting lately, I would like to kindly remind the GOP that until they completely roll back the calendar to the days when women were the literal property of men, they're still my ladybits.

GET OUT OF MY VA JAY JAY REPUBLITARDS!

DahBoner March 13, 2012 at 3:21 pm

USA Out of My Vagina!

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 12:57 pm

And what about people who have a "moral and religious objection" to old men getting boners? Let's face it, if a guy can't get it up than it's against god's will for him to have sex, and anyway I morally object because ew, ew, ew, old men having sex is disgusting so I should be allowed.

actor212 March 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm

No cunty for old men? What????

proudgrampa March 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

God, I am sorry for this (repeating myself, that is), but I am just still amazed that we are having this debate in 2012. All of this shit was resolved last century, right?

Jukesgrrl March 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm

The Roe v Wade decision was in 1973. We also had a gasoline "crisis" in 1973, when inflation caused prices to rise from from prices in the 30 cents/gal to prices in the 40 cents/gal. So one can only presume that the smell of gasoline causes abortions.

prommie March 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I don't want my health insurance dollars paying for jews to get circumcisions, dammit! No more pee-pee slicing with my money!

SorosBot March 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Exactly! Hey, I have a "moral and religious objection" to dumbasses who reject modern science but still try to enjoy its' fruits, so no more health care at all for creationists!

Jukesgrrl March 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm

No more computers either, so they can forget about their wacky ideas being shared with millions.

proudgrampa March 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Thanks for the analysis, Moses. I think you are spot on.

It just makes me want to stop the planet and step off. Or get a time machine and go to the 25th Century (surely mankind will be improved by then?).

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Totally Non-Shocking Poll Results: Americans A-Okay With Denying Sluts Birth Control" Now I know I'm weird: One, I prefer my sluts (and non-sluts) to be on the pill or some such. Two, I still want to wear a rubber although an amazing number of women object to their use. I'm guessing the respondents in this poll don 't do a lot of fucking.

DahBoner March 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm

They should hire a Fucking Consultant.

ttommyunger March 14, 2012 at 8:10 am

Is there any other kind?

Guppy March 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I'm sure glad the Democrats went for the single-payer option rather than a mandate, sidestepping this entire "debate."

BarackMyWorld March 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I have a moral objection to people being ignoramuses.

Can I opt out of democracy?

owhatever March 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Cue the theme for Lysistrata.

barto March 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

"will" be drinking?

DahBoner March 13, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Question 37: Do you have a knobby hobby?

GreatChristiano March 13, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Well if Rebecca is gonna be drinkin', at least she'll be drinkin' for Jesus…

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Let us heed Beyonce, we men, & admit — if we really them, we'll put a hat on it.

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