bless his heart

Unteachable Mitt Romney Talks About His Owner Friends In Other Sports

Welcome to the Wonkette stock photo collection!A reporter asked Mitt Romney today where he thought free agent Peyton Manning should play football next season. Ahh, there’s a nice birthday softball question for ya! All he had to say was that he’s a Patriots fan, so he hopes Manning doesn’t play for a team in the same division. This is all he had to say. And he did! But only after going out of his way to say something completely unnecessary, again, that has probably left his campaign manager sobbing for ever accepting such a gig.

Is the idea here to take Jay Leno’s bad jokes before he has the opportunity to use them?

And at one point, Mr. Finebaum asked Mr. Romney, as a New England Patriots fan, where he thought Peyton Manning should go as a free agent, and the candidate highlighted his friendship with football team owners — echoing comments in which he explained his affinity for Nascar by noting he knew the owners of Nascar teams.

“I’m surprised to hear that Denver’s thinking about him,” Mr. Romney said. “I don’t want him in our neck of the woods, let’s put it that way.”

“I’ve got a lot of good friends, the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets, both owners are friends of mine,” he went on to say. “But let’s keep him away from New England.”

And what kind of fan is “good friends” with the people who run his team’s rivals? You’re supposed to ACTUALLY HATE the human beings in other cities with teams that play your team, in a game. Hate them and want nothing good to happen to them or their families, ever! Mitt Romney has never been to the United States.

[NYT; Image which may or may not be the most photoshopped thing ever, but who cares, via Mitt Romney Is A Tool]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. Tundra Grifter


      The white shirt, tie, and jeans look is so pre-Dot.Bomb.

      Looks to me like he changed out of his suit for a casual photo op and didn't finish changing.

      Ten grand says he's wearing highly polished wingtips. Also.

    2. KennyFuckingPowers

      Damn! Needs some Duluth Trading Company Ballroom Jeans, if he has any. (balls) Your manhood can be made or broken by your fuckin' belt location. Seriously.

      1. tessiee

        'Duluth Trading Company Ballroom Jeans"

        Aren't those the jeans that are very loose in the crotch — hence, "ballroom"?

      1. HistoriCat

        We're practically commenting at the same time! Hugs all around!

        Good to know that there's something non-embarrassing out there about the US.

      1. flamingpdog

        You get the feeling the last time he wore those jeans he weighed about 30 pounds less?

    1. fuflans

      they say it's hard to buy the perfect pair of jeans but god, it's GOT to be harder to find jeans that look like romney's.

      seriously, who looks in the mirror and thinks that looks even ok?

      1. tessiee

        How hard is it to find a decent pair of jeans?

        Step 1: If you have a big ass, buy Lees or Wranglers.
        Step 2: If you have a big gut and/or no ass, buy Levis.
        Step 3: Don't bother with anything other than dark blue wash.

        *brushes palms together to indicate fait accompli*

      2. Terry

        Someone who thinks that talking about the NFL team owners he knows helps him to establish a bond with the common man.

    1. jtalaska

      that, the camel toe, or one too many always pads.

      Probably he just forgot his cock attachment after donning the half blue-collar working-fembot ensemble.

  1. coolhandnuke

    It will be a tight contest come November to see whose heaving the most Hail Marys–Mittens or Tebow.

    1. mayor_quimby

      "Unlike Tebow, when I'm president I won't be throwing them 2 yards short of the receiver's toes!"
      (Looks at advisers, "is that how you do a football zinger?" )

  2. Sassomatic

    So the boys are down on the field getting crushed,while trying to crush the boys on the other side, and the whole thing, while a good way to rile up the masses, is otherwise over nothing, and the rich dudes in control of both sides are all actually good friends just having a great time watching the whole thing and making shitloads of money off of it.

    Huh, I can't understand why people think football is "warlike."

    1. OhNoGuy

      It's the old "hire one half of the working class to kill the other half" trick. Never gets old.

  3. Callyson

    And Tom Brady is thinking "Aw, great. First we lose the Super Bowl to the Giants–again–and now this asshole turns out to be a fan. Oh well, at least I've got Gisele…"

  4. MissTaken

    What's next? Someone asks Mittens what kind of mom jeans he likes to wear and he starts yapping about not wearing jeans that often but he is good friends with Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren?

  5. Schmannnity

    Dolphins–Steven Ross, Billionaire; Jets–Woody Johnson, Billionaire. How many billionaires can the average person describe as "good friends?"

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I tried biting my own hands not to type it…

      None of them, Katie.

      Since the self-biting didn't work, I will find a suitable punishment for my hands. Like attempting to rub my cat's stomach.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      All three born rich, silver spoon in mouth, diploma in hand. Johnson, as in "Johnson & Johnson'. All Royal Dicks in person, methinks.

  6. Z Crudmonger

    "I HAVE got a lot of good friends….." This non-blah person isn't very articulate. Can't wait for the teleprompter ban.

    1. AlterNewt

      Between that and the under-wire burns, you're having kind of a bad day. Be careful out there.

      1. MissTaken

        That would've been preferable.

        BTW – THOSE are mom jeans. I do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear mom jeans.

  7. Slim_Pickins

    In other news, the birthday boy announced he will not apply for Medicare (because he probably didn't work long enough to qualify?).

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt doesn't think that's elitist, y'all — he knows people who own whole planets, so a few tiny football franchises in one little country on an average-sized planet that was run by that hack Kolob is practically hangin' with the little people.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Damn straight. Owning a football team is downright blue collar. He's not so uncouth to talk about the polo teams he owns.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Oh yeah, every dead white mormon guy gets his own planet. Hey, make me a mormon after I die, like they do. I want the planet, but I don't want to have to act like a fool on earth.

    1. An_Outhouse

      Thanks for spoiling the thread, 'becca wanna be. Any other rules you care we follow, besides researching every link before we comment?

    2. Tundra Grifter


      I'm guessing that isn't a Shop job. I think every photo ever taken of Mittens just looks like it was Shop'd.

  9. coolhandnuke

    It appears Mitt has replaced the usually reliable and efficient GOP cod piece with a halibut piece.

  10. orygoon

    “I’ve got a lot of good friends, the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets, both owners are friends of mine,” he went on to say. "And both of their wives have lovely pairs of Cadillacs, which are almost just like Ann's!"

  11. JackObin

    Jesus H. Christ, he has less of a bulge in those jeans than Little Georgie Bush. What, do mormons prohibit penises also?

  12. JustPixelz

    It's just a matter of time before he brags about the politicians his friends own.

    Perhaps Mitt could buy a team and work that Bain magic by selling off the helmets. The players can run faster without helmets — capitalism always finds a solution.

    Boys and their toys. What fun!

  13. SorosBot

    Yes, as a hu-man Mitt loves these enter-tain-ments that you other hu-mans love, like athelet-ic competitions.

  14. GuyClinch

    I have to assume that whatever his "get tough on crime" platform is has much to do with all his private-prison-owner friends. But we do need a mandatory-minimum sentence for fashion crimes like that one with the jeans. Strike three, Mittens!

  15. flamingpdog

    When does Mitt explain his affinity for women by noting he knows the owners of Hooters?

  16. FakaktaSouth

    What IS IT with these Republican mens and their rampant Front Butt? I will never understand this.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Precisely the comparison I was thinking of. Only Biden has a bitchen Trans Am, while Mitt's wife has two Cadillacs.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      "Fight fiercely Harvard, fight, fight, fight, demonstrate to them our skill". At least he isn't poisoning pigeons in the park. Wait, who was that dirty old perve I saw outside the men's room in the Boston common? Nah….couldn't be.

      1. Mondo_Cane

        Retard them! Retard them!
        Make them relinquish the ball!*

        *actual Ivy League cheer of the last century

  17. Come here a minute

    When asked if winning the nomination was a slam dunk, Romney proceeded to name the several NBA owners with whom he shares a common country club membership.

  18. RadioStalingrad

    When asked about flip flopping, he said he knows the owners of plenty of McDonald's franchises.

  19. owhatever

    I have a number of friends who still own black people, which are a good investment for any portfolio.

  20. scarface99

    mitt doesn't have any friends…he is so full of shit….maybe one friend – a six foot tall 250 lb rabbit that only he can see!!! he's such an asshole!

      1. poncho_pilot

        because if the real thing don't do the trick you better think of something quick?
        you're gonna burn, burn, burn, burn, burn it out to the wick?

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    As a lifelong Patriots fan myself, I don't give a fuck about Peyton anymore. But I sure have built up some loathing for his little brother lately.

        1. poncho_pilot

          am i weird? i'm 33 and know a lot about Dick Tuck. i think i was born in the wrong time. every time i read about Occupy Wall Street i think of Abbie Hoffman.

  22. spareme

    So here he is, the the heartland of the South – dressed like this? I hear strains of the theme song from Deliverance…even shouting ROLL TIDE can't help this fuckin guy.

  23. littlebigdaddy

    Here's a question: do older Mormons have magic depends? Or do they have to violate the tenets of their religion to not poop their pants?

  24. Mondo_Cane

    How insecure must he be to always reference bigger money? – and what a hoot he must be in the VIP box at a game – no beer, no cigar, no cussing(?) – so uptight you couldn't shove a toothpick up his ass – –

    Mittbot indeed –

  25. tessiee

    You guys! You guys!!

    I just had the most awesome idea for a reality show EVAR!!
    [with all due modesty]
    Mitt Romney has to *actually do* a minimum wage job, AND he has to *actually live* on minimum wage. No using his ass tons of money or powerful friends who own everything.
    We could call it, um…
    let's see…
    "Who wants to humiliate a millionaire?"
    It could have wacky blooper reel music when he tries to pay his bills, or buy groceries, or rent a crappy apartment in a slummy neighborhood (good luck coming up with first, last, and security, asshat), or his piece of shit car breaks down, or his boss strolls in at 4:58 on Friday afternoon and announces that he found the paperwork that's been sitting in his in-box for three weeks, so now everybody has to work late to meet the deadline (for nothing extra, natch).
    Added bonus plus: Barbara Ehrenreich could get at least one book out of it.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That is a Nobel-prize worthy idea. If I may add a suggestion: his boss at this minimum wage job will be a 70-year old still working because Bain took over the company he had worked at for 35 years, looted the pension plan, gorged themselves on management fees then fobbed the dessicated remaining hulk of the original company off to a shell corporation that declared bankruptcy.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        It's like Mittens is the Silver Surfer and Bain is Galactus. God forbid an explosion of Kirby dots and force rays appear outside your factory — "All that you know is at an end, working stiff!!"

    2. Fukui-sanYesOta

      also, too, make his identikid kids (Thwack, Thadd, Tripz, Thick and whatever that other one is) go to WyoTech studying automotive sprocket-licking or whatever, and they have to take student loans to do it.

      If he ever says "Do you know who I am?" a gentleman dressed as Andrew Jackson appears and beats him repeatedly (but non-fatally) around the head with a rubber chicken accompanied by the theme music from UFO.

      1. tessiee

        I was thinking "Yakety Sax" (that Benny Hill music), but I would be remiss if I didn't say how awesome that clip is.
        Except the eyeball. That was just disgusting.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          I have no idea how that eyeball bit got into the video, it's just weird.

          I reckon the "beating Mitt Romney around the head with a rubber chicken" would be a montage of stills, perhaps even with Batman-style "POW!" "WHACK!" interstitials. I would so pay to see that.

      2. DemmeFatale

        OMG, Fukui-san!!
        I must have one of those silver see-through mesh outfits for Mr. Fatale!

        And BTW: I happen to have majored in automotive sprocket-licking, (or auto-sprock, as we called it).

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Nowt wrong with sprocket-licking, I just couldn't imagine any of those smug-faced gits ever having used a wrench.

          "I am aware of wrenches. Daddy knows the person who owns snap-on."

    3. smokefilledroommate

      Didn't Morgan Spurlock do something like that awhile back?

      I'd personally like to see 'Survivor: CEO' where Mitt swears there's a cell phone hidden in that coconut shell just for his amusement, Newt declares some tree as his fifth wife and tries to fuck it, and The Donald screams because the actual sun burns his lilywhite fucking skin. Who will be the Pig on a Stick?

      Survivor: CEO airs next Sunday on Lifetime

  26. Veritas78

    Request to Wonkette? Please stop. We've got our best mole ever in place so that he might actually end up as the candidate that we get to "run against", and you fools keep pointing out what a douche he is.

    That call with Putin? He placed it to congratulate me. I know what I'm doin'.

    So lay off or I'm coming over there, and Jim, it won't be like last time.
    xoxo, Barry

  27. GregComlish

    If you were truly "friends" with the owners of the Jets and Dolphins, you wouldn't sully their brands with an association to a divisive political figure

  28. anniegetyerfun

    I am so in love with this Photoshop. But I've heard that Romney actually has quite a "stimulus package", if you know what I mean.

  29. anniegetyerfun

    “This last Super Bowl was a hard one to take,” Mr. Romney said. “A catch in the final moments, which was a spectacular catch, dashed our hopes once again.”

    I love that this is how Mittens sounds, jawing about sports.

  30. Negropolis

    That picture is haunting me. God, make it go away, already.

    BTW, that Romney has "friends" in ownership just says all that you need to know about him and them. Owners of pro-sports teams are almost universally horrible human beings, and some of them are almost cartoonishly evil.

    1. Negropolis

      But, alas, he'll only end up at the Olive Garden, a lesser bowl game, but at least one that comes with never-ending breadsticks.

  31. Negropolis

    OT: Jon Stewart is absolutely dismantling Grover Norquist…and without yelling or name-calling or anything. Just cold breaking down how overly-simplified and stupid "Teh Pledge" is.

    1. CapnFatback

      I dunno. Is "dismantle" the right term for breaking down a Norquist? I'm gonna go with "dissolve."

  32. FieryLocks

    "I'm friends with the people that own the factory in China where these hip jeans are made."–Mitt Romney

  33. CountryClubJihadi

    There has got to be an "Invisible _____" LOLCats kind of thing with this photo, but I'm too exhausted to come up with it.

  34. SaintRond

    Appears that he's into taping his nuts back like he's putting on drag. He just better not fart or it's gonna be real painful.

    1. RadioStalingrad

      Those could be grandmom jeans, and worse yet, ahem, check your zipper flipper flopper.

    1. RadioStalingrad

      OT, but a heartfelt thanks for your support last week in my Kafkaesque misunderstanding last week.

  35. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    When asked about the latest tragedy in Afghanistan and what we should expect from the Taliban, Romney went on to say:

    "I’ve got a lot of good friends, the money men of the Taliban and Hezbollah, both those guys are friends of mine"

  36. Negropolis

    He got Grover to admit that without follow-through on the spending end once the politicians reach Congress, that at best, his pledge doesn't mean a goddamned thing, and more likely, that his pledge is actually dangerous to our fiscal health. I'd call that a dismantle. He took apart the platform Grover was standing on.

  37. nirrti_rachelle

    The Mormons should adopt those jeans as their "magical" underwear. They look like they could repel bullets let alone demons.

  38. Oblios_Cap

    Christ! I followed that link and got nailed with some major malware. The revenge of the Mitt-Bots!

  39. ttommyunger

    Could have pulled them mom jeans up a little higher but his nips got in the way. What a dick!

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