I am the god of hellfire.Well, this isn’t going over well in Dunkerton, Iowa. Minnesota preacher-man-band “Junkyard Prophet” was supposed to perform at a high school assembly against bullying and for making good choices. Good choices, apparently, like telling gay kids they would burn in fire, inveighing against dirty filthy girls who give it up before they’re married, and showing super cool gnarly pictures of graphic aborted feti.

“They told my daughter, the girls, that they were going to have mud on their wedding dresses if they weren’t virgins,” said Jennifer Littlefield, a parent upset with the band’s performance.
Littlefield also did not appreciate what she described as gay bashing.
“They told these kids that anyone who was gay was going to die at the age of 42,” she said.

But wait! That’s not all!

Instead of just making a bunch of girls cry, according to the LaCrosse Tribune, the band also took a monster runny dump all over separation of church and state. For Jesus!

After performing, the group separated boys, girls and teachers in the building. During the breakout session, the young men learned the group’s thoughts on the U.S. Constitution and what one Prophet referred to as its “10 commandments.” Members of the group blasted other performers, like Toby Keith, for their improper influence.

So Junkyard Prophet got one thing right.

The girls, meanwhile, were told to save themselves for their husbands and assume a submissive role in the household. According to witnesses, the leader in that effort also forced the young ladies to chant a manta of sorts about remaining pure.

The horrified superintendent went on after the band, attempting to do damage control and remind students that Dunkerton stands for a message of tolerance. Good luck, old chap! If you were wondering whether the high school that hosted an assembly demanding Christianist chants from students, and calling girls sluts and gays hell-nip, was private or public, Dunkerton Community Schools is indeed a public school district. Your editrix called and checked, for Journalism.

[LaCrosse Tribune, via TPM]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    Sounds like somebody needs a lesson in the separation of church and state.

  • YouBetcha

    This shit is the reason teens are promiscuous and on The Drugs. You tell a fourteen year old not to do something, and he's going to take that something and insert it into his own ass.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Dildoing – the Real American Pastime.

  • hagajim

    What better way to teach about tolerance than by being intolerant douche bags…for Jeebus!

  • Schmannnity

    No wonder Santorum won Iowa.

  • coolhandnuke

    Your move Fred Phelps.

    • From the band's lyrics:

      People be freakin' when we speakin' cuz we burnin it up

      Ooooh, book-burners too!
      They'll have a warm welcome in Waynesville, North Carolina.

    • MadBrahms

      He's planning a GWAR-like show in which "homosexuals" are gutted onstage while the audience is showered in "the blood of the wicked". Fred Phelps will not be outdone.

  • And who was the idiot that booked this band/brimstone throwers? Someone must NOT have been surprised.

    Here is a 2006 article about them:

  • Beowoof

    Well the 42 thing is clearly a lie, as Larry Craig and Ted Haggard have that beat by several years each.

    • nounverb911

      Not so much Breitbart.

    • Swampgas_Man

      48 and going strong over heah!

    • Z Crudmonger

      That's because they brought a towel.

    • mannacler

      Quentin Crisp lived how long?

  • facehead

    I'm guessing they don't do Bat Mitzvahs.

  • PuckStopsHere

    True story: Iggy (Pop) and the Stooges played my high school. So did Bob Seger. This would have been back in the '70's although my memory is a little hazy on dates, decades, etc. But, the thing of it is, those dudes rocked MY gymnasium and I haven't turned gay. Yet.

    • DCBloom

      Iggy at your school? Wow. I wish I went there. All we ever had was a Led Zeppelin cover band

      • SexySmurf

        If you think that's bad, the only famous person who came to my school was Daniel Ruettiger AKA Rudy. He taught me that if I work hard and believe in myself I too can play 30 seconds in a college football game. What the skullfuck kind of message is that?

        • PuckStopsHere

          Well, if you don't work hard and believe in yourself you only get to play high school football and you turn out like Al Bundy.

        • SorosBot

          Well we got the late Gov. Bob Casey, father of the current Senator and an anti-choice douche despite being a Democrat. It angered me.

        • MissTaken

          We had Dave Johnson from the Dan and Dave decathlon advertising fame show up one day during lunch. Don't remember what he said, but I'm sure it was something like "stay in school, eat your veggies".

          I doubt gays dying at 42 was addressed, though.

          • SorosBot

            Nor did he warn you about being pure and submissive – you're gonna have mud all over your wedding dress apparently. And wouldn't you want to marry a guy who fetishizes virginity, insists on a woman with no sexual past, and tells you to be submissive in his house?

          • Sounds like a keeper!

          • poncho_pilot

            or a freeper.

        • FieryLocks

          Well, it was 30 seconds they made a movie around…you know he got something out of that.

    • anniegetyerfun

      We had a guy who could inflate tire innertubes with his … bare lungs, I guess? Ah. High school.

    • poncho_pilot

      i kinda hate you now. all we got was Blink 182.

    • extreme_left

      some of us dressed up as KISS

    • emmelemm

      The most famous person to come to my high school (IN THE 80s) was Jesse Jackson. (My school was … "urban".)

      He told us not to do drugs, and something something something about not impregnating girls when you were in high school because "anyone can knock up a girl but it takes a man to be a father" or something along those lines.

      • finallyhappy

        you all remember that Jeremiah Wright's Mom was our Vice Principal, Gloria Allred went to my school as did lover/asst to Jim Jones,Terry Buford- who later had a child with Mark Lane.

    • horsedreamer_1

      My high school had donkey basketball.

    • tessiee

      Dang, you guys had awesome high schools.
      The best thing that ever happened at mine was when the bad boys streaked the cafeteria at lunch and one of them lost a contact lens.

    • Negropolis

      I'm guessing this must have been in suburban Detroit? Isn't Michigan just great?

    • Jerri

      We had a local businessman who told us that when he reached a particular goal he set for himself, he rewarded himself by purchasing premium gasoline for his LeBaron. It made him feel like he had accomplished something, he said.

      I wonder what kind of gas getting laughed at by a bunch of high school kids earned him. Probably a ride home on the public bus.

  • memzilla

    “They told my daughter, the girls, that they were going to have mud on their wedding dresses if they weren’t virgins…"

    Still better than having Santorum on them.

    I remember seeing "Muddy Wedding Dresses" open for Ginger Baker back in the '60s.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Was this before Cream?

  • Beowoof

    Of all the Oxymorons out there, A Christian Rock band must be the biggest one of the bunch.

    • MadBrahms

      Oh, you said it.

      (Rock n' Roll gives you AIDS, the end)

      • poncho_pilot

        that's one of my favorite episodes.

      • Loaded_Pants

        "We're gonna Rock, Rock, Rock
        Rock with the ROCK!"

        Weren't those lines from a Spinal Tap song?

        • tessiee

          Laugh if you must, but when there's an actual lyric from an actual Bon Jovi song that goes,
          "I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all",
          you gotta admit that's pretty hard to top.

  • Tengu

    It gets better… you move away from Iowa.

  • fuflans

    if i were a public school administrator i wouldn't hire a band called 'junkyard prophet' that bills itself as 'Christian rapcore-nu metal'.

    but maybe that's just me.

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Lived in that state first 17 years of my life. At that time they had one of the best educational systems in the country, and mostly balanced politics. Must admit I got tired of listening to hog futures on the local news, but you can't have everything. Now they sound like the spawn of the devil

      • 102415

        Iowa is not Kansas that's for sure. They really do know better.

  • Suddenly a Satanist Death Metal band doesn't sound so bad after this wackjobs… even musically.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Bring 'em BOTH on, for a "Battle of the Bands" we can really get behind!

      • poncho_pilot

        live from Megiddo.

  • Schmannnity

    In fairness, the school wanted Romney's band, Corporate Profit, but it had to settle for Santorum's Junkyard Prophet. PS Rick doesn't like homophones either.

    • tessiee

      Awesome cartoonist Keith Knight used to be in a hip hop band called the Marginal Prophets.

    • Sue4466

      You win.

  • orygoon

    My imaginary friend is much, much better than their imaginary friend.

    • caitifty

      Their imaginary friend has been smoking crack with the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

  • Local_Mojo

    Somebody's Up With People concert got just a little bit out of hand.

  • AlterNewt

    “They told my daughter, the girls, that they were going to have mud on their wedding dresses if they weren’t virgins…"

    Worst Vivid video ever.

  • BarackMyWorld

    How much influence do the members of this "band" think they have?

    "You know, I feel attracted to other boys, but this band no one's ever heard of that played at my school told me that's wrong!"

    • HarryButtle

      What teenager doesn't want to listen to a 45 year old "rocker" with a receding hairline and a scraggly ponytail, dressed in a warm-up suit from 1976, singing about NOT having sex?

      • nedbeaumontjr

        Mittens, 50 years ago.

        • emmelemm

          More like Santorum, 40 years ago.

          • nedbeaumontjr

            You say po-tay-toe…

    • Guppy

      "How much influence do the members of this "band" think they have? "

      Exactly enough to get invited to lecture a red-state public school.

    • Negropolis

      More than enough, unfortunately.

  • Presumably there is a typo. I assume he was encouraging young women entering their sexual maturity to save themselves from marriage.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Redd Foxx is the only junkyard prophet I'll ever listen too.

    • nounverb911

      Needs more heart attacks.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      He belongs to Elizabeth now.

    • 102415

      I loved that man.

    • Negropolis

      I, too, am a follower of Elizabeth, may her name be praised.

  • soeoho

    This message was removed by divine intervention.

  • JackObin

    This country is absolutely medieval. What's next, burning intellectuals at the stake? Trillions of dollars spent on education has gotten us nowhere.

    • Angry_Marmot

      But it has provided a monster farm club system for the NBA and NFL.

    • tessiee

      It's trillions of dollars spent on the military and dozens of dollars spent on education… which actually explains quite a bit.

  • coolhandnuke

    The school administration should have been tipped off by the opening band–The Westboro Baptist Choir and their rousing opening song "Die Fag Die."

    • Swampgas_Man

      "The fag the"?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I saw what you did there.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Sorry Buddy – This is 'Merkah. We no speakie EuroFagKraut here

  • OMG!!
    PUBLIC school?!
    This is the end, my friends!

  • But then they took a request for "Free Bird" and all was right again.

    PS: Nice Arthur Brown ref in the alt-text.

  • Loaded_Pants

    Another article I read about this described Junkyard Prophet as a "Christian heavy metal/rap group".
    I have heard the "music" of such groups. Yes, it is awful. Makes you miss the days of Stryper at their peak.

  • orygoon

    Here's hoping these assholes die lonely and somewhat painful (yet natural) deaths.

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Tertiary syphilis is natural

    • MadBrahms

      At 42.

  • Antispandex

    Well, if you are in Iowa, just because it's a public school doesn't mean there can't be "christian" nuts and/or musicians preaching to your kids. Because, after all, what could go wrong? Oh, and as Robert Johnson could have told them, if they are trying to be good musicians, they are going about this all wrong.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Hell, back in Oklahoma, even the school bus drivers preached to us!

    • tessiee

      Then again, Robert Johnson didn't make it to 42.

  • the group offered "a very strong anti-violence, anti-drug, anti-alcohol" message.

    The girls, meanwhile, were told to save themselves for their husbands

    Those grapes of wrath turned rancid decades ago, with Promise Rings and Promise Keepers.

  • "The girls, meanwhile, were told to save themselves for their husbands and assume a submissive role in the household."

    I'd love to see them give this presentation at my old high school. Well before the mantra-chanting, a roomful of teenage girls would have "Junkyard Prophet" cowering under desks praying that they'd be allowed to leave with their testicles still attached.

  • But I thought the Muslims were the ones trying to use the state to force their stupidity on everyone else? Does this mean that conservatives lied?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Muslims shove it down our throats. Heavy metal Chrisitans try to shove it up our asses (for Jesus).

    • Barrelhse

      Were their lips moving?

      • The only conservative I am aware of that has lips is Palin. And hers are painted on.

        • 102415

          Tattooed on actually.

          • I was trying to not think of that particular mental image actually.

  • HarryButtle

    Norman Greenbaum he ain't.

  • Also, I am a bit reluctant to point this out, but this nonsense was also done a couple of decades ago in my high school.

    • Barrelhse

      And we can all see how THAT little experiment worked out!

      • Well, I already had plenty of experience being told I was going to Hell over some odd detail about "my people killing Jesus".

        • Z Crudmonger

          Sanguinum romanos.

        • tessiee

          "Yes, we killed him. We killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor. Signed, Morty" — old Lenny Bruce joke

    • Loaded_Pants

      Elementary school. 1981-1988. Two words: Christian marionettes.

      At least it was only once a year & we were spared the aborted fetus marionette.

      • Well, we are apparently about the same age so maybe this was more common than I previously would have assumed.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Rural VA, it was. Oh, what childhood memories I have of being forced to attend one small church after another by older family members (my parents, or their friends, back when they still attended church & definitely my grandmother). I will NEVER forget the Sunday School teacher who told us 8-to-10 year-olds that we would go to hell if we didn't want to listen to the Gospel. What a wonderful thing to tell children, eh?
          That event was the beginning of my skepticism and eventual atheism.

          • tessiee

            "I will NEVER forget the Sunday School teacher who told us 8-to-10 year-olds that we would go to hell if we didn't want to listen to the Gospel. What a wonderful thing to tell children, eh?"

            "Now, the Protestants, they *might* get into Heaven after they go to Purgatory, because they at least believe in Jesus. But, ALL THE JEWS GO STRAIGHT TO HELL…"
            *draws gigantic down arrow on blackboard*
            "because they killed Jesus!" — Sister Ellen Peter, my Sunday school teacher

          • Negropolis

            The whole "Jesus killer" libel has always confused the hell out of me. It's because of this why I can kind of find the Christians' way back to seeing Jews as necessary in their story kind of refeshing, if only they see them as a means to an end, because that's how their religion had always viewed it at the beginning.

  • gout

    Sort of like Insane Clown Posse but keepin it real…

    • MadBrahms

      Also like Insane Clown Posse, Junkyard Prophet believes in miracles and most likely has no idea how magnets work.

    • heathenette

      Keepin’ it real Dave Chapell style!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Everyone anticipated the message from Junkyard Prophet, a traveling band based in Minnesota, to be about bullying and making good choices.

    Well — they did get lessons on those topics, memorably delivered.

    • MadBrahms

      The administration will also learn a lesson about good choices, when those nice men from the ACLU stop by to serve them papers.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Dead at the age of 42? And there are 42 comments right now? What is this, Douglas Adams day?

    • Actually, that's May 25th

      • Generation[redacted]

        His birthday was yesterday. David Gilmour played at the party.

    • PubOption

      The ultimate answer is seeking a question.

  • MissTaken

    This is terrible, like Prussian Blue terrible.

    • Steverino247

      I thought Prussian Blue was only terrible if you were Austrian during the Seven Years War or Napoleon at Waterloo.

      • Guppy

        She's referring to this, unfortunately.

    • HistoriCat

      Sure it's a bit on the dark side but it's a very nice shade.

  • DangerHelvetica

    George Takei is 74.

    • Loaded_Pants

      And the ghosts of Harry Hay & John Burnside would like to have a few words with these young Junkyard Prophet fellers.

  • pinkocommi

    Today, we are all sluts. You know… for solidarity.

  • Redhead

    "anyone who was gay was going to die at the age of 42"

    So if you're over 42, are you fake ghey?

    • Z Crudmonger

      I thinks by "die" they mean "get a sailboat and frequent fewer Pride parades".

    • Oh wait! You guys, I just asked my gay roommate about this. His response: "yeah, you're pretty much dead to the gay community once you're that age." I'm sure that someone who would make a statement like that would be well-connected to the gay community, so obviously that's gotta be what he meant.

  • Callyson

    “They told these kids that anyone who was gay was going to die at the age of 42"
    RuPaul is 51, Suze Orman will be 60…suck it, haters!

    • And even Rick Santorum is 53. I rest my case.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Phyllis Lyon: 87.

    • Liberace died at 68. Rock Hudson at 60. And uh, if he's talking about AIDS and stuff…they, like, have medicines and stuff for that now. Although I guess if, like this guy, you're apparently living in the 1950s, perhaps not.

  • Remember when the Jesus People and Christian bands like Resurrection Band actually had a social conscience? Hard to believe, but Wiki says it's true:

    Rainbow's End is significant for being the first album by an American rock band to address the racist system of apartheid in South Africa, a full year before Peter Gabriel brought the issue to the world's attention with his classic song "Biko." Resurrection Band would eventually become known for grappling with a variety of social and political ills in its music, from the evils of the military-industrial complex to the corrupting influence of American materialism, racism, homelessness, AIDS, drug addiction, prostitution and many other issues that the band personally confronted in its ministry to their surrounding urban community in Chicago.

    • Midway117

      Yep, I remember. They'd play Cornerstone Festival every year in Illinois and bombard us with the TRUTH about what was out there in the world and how we were supposed to respond based on the teachings of Christ. So no Apartheid, no racism, no kids or women used as pawns in war or the sex trade. And they lived their beliefs in what we suburbanites called "the inner city." Yes, they advocated a holy life but did not differentiate between men and women. And never once did I hear a negative word about my birth control pills.

  • Time to bring out, once again, the greatest line ever uttered on "King Of The Hill":

    • Callyson

      Jesus, I thought those tits were going to smother me!

      • Z Crudmonger

        Why do I want a white Russian all of a sudden?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Iowa, you say? Needs more Slipknot. Does this guy do the "Cookie Monster" vocals that are so popular with the kids these days?

    • tessiee

      ""Cookie Monster" vocals"

      Lulz, that's PERFECT!!

  • Rotundo_

    Kids must have been a well behaved lot, perhaps fundies themselves, cause in any *normal* high school, these clowns would have barely escaped with their lives, let alone their equipment. After the initial burst of laughter fades and the growls and projectiles start flying they would be shitting their pants for Juh-Heez-Zussssssss! Kids today do not suffer hack music and moralizing well from what I have seen. Unless they had guns on them, I'm amazed the girls didn't stomp them, let alone the guys.

  • Junkyard Prophet Belongs In Landfill..

  • So there are actually middle-aged gay zombies roaming around that nobody knew about?

  • CommieLibunatic

    I might be godless scum, but at least I don't go around hurling anger and fear at everyone who isn't exactly like me. Just once, I'd like to see a religion that actually offers some worthy advice for these teenagers and their dastardly hormones. These losers are just chasing a setting sun, using some modern instrument to hammer in ideas that went stale long ago.

    …oh, did I forget the snark? TOO BAD, FUCK THESE GUYS.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Both the Episcopalians and the Unitarians do a pretty good jerb with their sex-ed and sexual ethics materials for teens, actually. The husband says that his Reform temple's Hebrew school had an awkward but not actively offensive talk about sexuality and sexual ethics as part of the bar/bat mitzvah preparations, too.

      Here's a link to the Unitarian sex ed curriculum. Awkward, sure, and kind of PBS-tote-bag-granola-cookie in style, but not heinous.

    • tessiee

      "Just once, I'd like to see a religion that actually offers some worthy advice for these teenagers and their dastardly hormones"

      A good friend of mine once commented that the abstinence stuff may go over with prepubescent kids and old folks, but fails miserably with the age brackets in between — in other words, it only works with those people who have no possibility of sex anyway.

  • Rotundo_

    And the best part is the band got paid $1,500 for the fun and hijinks the kids had. According to the article the school is trying to get a refund from the band, I wish them luck on that. What they should do, however is deduct that sum from the paycheck of the idiot who booked them-after taxes.

  • Callyson

    About this crap about how if a female has sex she is suddenly "impure"–just what is it that causes the "impurity"? Plus, the God these assholes believe in apparently has no trouble with the dudes getting it on. How are they supposed to do that without making a female impure?
    Oh yeah…

  • cheetojeebus

    While they didn't play at my high school I did enjoy a concert of
    The Dicks
    The Cramps
    The Midols and
    Sharon Tate's Baby
    round about that time in my life. Was a rather cynical sex ed lesson.

    • tessiee

      The Cramps and the Midols should be on the same bill as Hole.

  • WiscDad

    Here's a great article about the 'event'

    I hope they come to my neck of the woods sometime…they will run and they will hide

  • Boojum_Reborn

    "According to witnesses, the leader in that effort also forced the young ladies to chant a manta of sorts about remaining pure."

    Chant a manta? What, like "Hey, hey, I'm a ray, don't fuck now or you'll turn gay?". That kind of manta?

    • MadBrahms

      "It's cool! It's bitchin'! Good Christian girls stay in the kitchen!" (shh, it's ok to swear when you're delivering The News)

    • tessiee

      I was *going* to chant a manta, but then I had to skate.

    • EmileZoloft

      Your head can go real screw
      When the gays chasin' you

      Do the manta gay

  • whatupirondog

    Really disappointed to see Wonkette's apparent agenda against bands who "ain't stoppin'" and also who's "convictions poppin'" :(

    • WiscDad

      and whose members are 'cherry poppin'

    • tessiee

      How should we wave our hands in the air, O Lord?

      • poncho_pilot

        put your hands in the air. wave them like you just said a prayer.

  • I recall this "You can run by you can not hide ministry" group for being involved in another feat of stupidity previously.

    I had to use the google machine, but here it is:

    Although he portrays himself as a spirited defender of the Constitution, going so far as to offer a 12-week Constitution study class for $240, his past association with an anti-government group calls that into question. Until 2010, Dean was a member of Oregon-based Embassy of Heaven, a self-described "Christian Patriot" organization which subscribes to Sovereign Citizen ideology—the idea that citizens are themselves sovereign nations and therefore not bound to the laws of the United States.

    Scott Roeder, the anti-abortion extremist who murdered Dr. George Tiller at his Wichita, Kansas church in 2009, was a member of Embassy, which makes money by selling fake license plates and passports. As part of his membership in the group, Dean signed a statement "renouncing his allegiance to the world and declaring citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven" (he did, however, continue to pay taxes). The group has been identified as an "anti-government group" by the Department of Justice.

    In March, authorities arrested five Alaska sovereigns who were allegedly involved in a plot to murder state troopers and a federal judge.

    • MadBrahms

      To be fair, God only set up the embassy so he could get out of parking tickets.

  • Also, this group is lead by the clown that was going to sue Rachel Maddow for pointing out that he advocates murdering homosexuals (she "misquoted" him by playing the full quote in context). Funny, I do not think he has filed the suit yet. I wonder what he is waiting for.

    • emmelemm

      I remember that story appearing on the Wonkette… with accompanying photo of the assholes in question. We mocked their shitty middle-aged "rock band" appearance. (Too lazy to look it up, though.)

      • MadBrahms

        I live to serve, just like a good Christian girl should, even though I am neither.

        My favorite parts are the righteous Mullet 4 Christ and the repeated "Axl Rose, why?!" comments it inspired.

        • emmelemm

          You R awesome.

      • Yeah, I tend to read the links though and remembered the "ministry" name. I just figured folks might like to know that this group is a repeat offender in showing up here.

    • tessiee

      "I wonder what he is waiting for."

      A sign from above?

  • IceCreamEmpress

    My high school hosted a terrible rock band called "Condor: The Environmental Rock Band" and we practically spitballer/cat called them off the stage. These asschapeaux would probably have sustained significant contusions at best.

    Still remember Condor's show-stopping number "Money Money Money Killed the Whales." And when I say "show-stopping", I mean Mr. Raffier, the vice-principal, stopped the show to yell at us for throwing stuff at Condor.

  • owhatever

    Junkyard Prophet then picked out a nice looking 10th grader, bought some weed, went into the back of his van down by the river and explained that he was 41 years old and thought he better try buttsexx a few more times before his next birthday.

  • extreme_left

    needs moar kool aid

  • Guppy

    "Your editrix called and checked, for Journalism."


  • GreatChristiano

    At least it wasn't one of those "Don't do drugs" assemblies–the kids woulda been doomed!

    • MadBrahms

      Demon Abuse Resistance Education?

      • GreatChristiano

        Ah yes, the DARE program…

        • Loaded_Pants

          Hehe. I remember our DARE assemblies. An officer from the county's sheriff's dept. was in charge of it & would appear with a puppet (what was up with all the puppets back in the day? I'm surprised it never ruined the Muppets for me). Years later, guess what this officer's son was arrested for? Just guess.

          • GreatChristiano

            In my city, the biggest drug dealer was the Police Chief's son.

            But I'm guessing the officer's son (from your tale) got arrested for distracted driving for playing with a puppet behind the wheel?

          • tessiee

            Marijuana is a big cash crop in some parts of North Carolina. Not in the town where I lived, but in one of the rural, middle of nowhere counties in the mountains, the sheriff and his son were the weed connection.

            Is that a movie of the week (Brian Dennehy as the sheriff), or what?

          • poncho_pilot

            "In my city, the biggest drug dealer was the Police Chief's son."

            it so, so often is.

        • My parents neighbor was a DARE officer, cops would show up once a week when he was beating the shit out of his wife in the front yard. Never was arrested though. Justice.

  • raresteaksandoilpainting

    Do did anybody point out that this band is fronted by Bradlee Dean, who is butt buddies with Michele Bachmann? Because it is. This is also the guy suing Rachel Maddow for defaming him for the purposes of advancing a gay agenda. I'm pretty sure you've written about him before. He was invited to say the prayer at the Minnesota house of representatives and used the opportunity to make a crack about Barry O'Beezzy being a secret non-Jesus worshipper. He's an all around classy guy, and they have a pretty regular thing going around and giving these 'shows' in public highschools in the midwest.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Should have booked Slipknot.

  • GreatChristiano

    An assembly for making good choices?

    Let me guess–they tell ya what choice to make, right???

  • tessiee

    “They told these kids that anyone who was gay was going to die at the age of 42,”

    Why 42 in particular, rather than 41 or 43 or 39?
    Is it an embedded reference to the Douglas Adams quote that says the answer to everything is 42?

  • tessiee

    Your move, South Carolina.

  • tessiee

    "The girls, meanwhile, were told to save themselves for their husbands"

    Or their fathers, whatever.

  • tessiee

    I'm borrowing from somebody (Alex Comfort?) here, but if this society had a healthy attitude about sex, abstinence would have no more value than malnutrition.

  • The only famous person to come to my high school was Mr. Bungle, but that's because Patton is a local boy. Was. And I guess no longer a boy. GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!!!!!!1!!!!

    • poncho_pilot

      did they play My Ass Is On Fire?

  • Isn't this a regular skit on Saturday Night Live?

  • ttommyunger

    Clearly the morons are winning in some parts of the Country.

Previous articleRick Santorum: Make Teleprompters ‘Illegal’ On The Campaign Trail
Next articleWe Must All Pray To Allah For A Gingrich-Perry Dream Ticket