silver bullets

We Must All Pray To Allah For A Gingrich-Perry Dream Ticket

So much cockFox News’ Carl Cameron reported an EXCLUSIVE (MUST CREDIT DERRICK BELL) story yesterday about the possibility of Newt Gingrich “forming a predetermined ticket with Perry [that] will unite the evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters” and allow them to win the nomination at the convention. Both Gingrich and Perry’s people are publicly denying that they’ve talked about this, but come on — this has all the trappings of an authentic Newt Gingrich Big Idea.

The rationale here must be… that… if a bomb-throwing, incompetent, frighteningly spontaneous candidate with narrow general election appeal could be balanced on the bottom half of the ticket with a bomb-throwing, incompetent, frighteningly spontaneous candidate with narrow general election appeal, then convention delegates would obviously rush at the opportunity to thrust this clown duo into a general election matchup against Barack Obama. Gingrich/Perry — it’s got “acceptable to a broad national coalition” right there on the label!

But we shouldn’t underestimate the ability of 2012 Republican convention delegates to see a big red blinking button saying “ELECTORAL SUICIDE” and press it forcefully, after determining that the button is acting like a Yankee snob that thinks it knows everything. So yeah, this’ll probably happen.

[CNN/Fox News]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      Hey, Callista Flockhart is reasonably hot, and does like them old guys….oh you meant the other one? Never mind.

    2. Terry

      How about they go with Southern tradition and Callista and Anita Perry take up mud wrestling? It'd be classy.

    3. Biff

      I think it's time they call up Nancy Reagan from the back bench, best fellatrix in republican history!

    1. NYNYNYjr

      On the count of three everyone take your space helmets off and breathe in the nice fresh moon air! 1…2…3!! Oh no!!! I didn't say Simon Says!

  1. orygoon

    I confess to not finding the win in anywhere in this.

    Oops, forgot about Texas and Georgia and South Carlina.

    1. Mrspanky

      Newt-Perry – this would be the ideal ticket – if they were running for the President and VP of the Confederate States of America……

  2. finallyhappy

    I highly support Gingrich/Perry as the Teaparty candidates. I mean seriously who gives flying fuck?(I realize though that might be something one of Newt's wives did)

        1. MissTaken

          Remember how panicked we all were when he vomited in Japan?? The cold, dark reality of a Quayle Presidency was our collective national nightmare.

          1. SorosBot

            Luckily that didn't happen – but then his son had to come along and show us what that would have been like. And we still suffer for it.

          2. sewollef

            Eeww, the thought that Dan Quayle actually knew where to put it gives me a queazy feeling.

            And who was the poor woman who had to lie back and think of America while he did it? His wife or some idiot intern?

          3. Loaded_Pants

            I'd like the think it was the very thought of a Quayle presidency that made GHWB barf.

          4. LagunaB

            "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." How can we forget DQ wisdom.

          5. MosesInvests

            Apparently, bushururu is the Japanese slang term for barfing on someone. Also, remember the old joke-"What are the five most frightening words in the English language? 'Barbara, I'm having chest pains.'" Or "Secret Service Order Number 7: In the event that the President dies, shoot the Vice President." Good times.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        I considered that, but didn't use it because I figured a time travelling Reagan might be exempt from term limits if he travelled from a period before he was president.

  3. MarcelleMarceau

    Sorry, GOP. Nominating a specious prick and dunderhead running mate doesn't exactly qualify as a balanced ticket.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    The only way this makes sense is that Newtie is thinking of marrying Rick for his (campaign) money.

    1. coolhandnuke

      Thanks for the bracket tip…my final four is now complete with Clown College and Dead NBA Mormon Baptized All-Stars meeting in the final.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Meanwhile…the God Damned Duggars (with 19 kids, what else do you call them?) are all standing outside the Alabama Theatre cheering on Newt while Jeff Foxworthy and all his dumber than 5th grade minions are here with Mitt. I didn't think it was possible to lower the collective IQ of Republicans in my state, apparently I was wrong.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You are absolutely right – that is a typo. Them Duggars was all in a froth over the Santorum. These idiots are all running together now. I don't even know who the biggest joke I am supposed to vote for tomorrow is any more. My (only) 61yo mother is flipping out. She told me today (after fussing at me for my language on wonkette at the ballpark Saturday) "We have got to get the fuck out of here. These people are crazy."

        1. Negropolis

          Gingrich. He's the only one competitive with Romney in your state, so vote for the bloat!

    1. fartknocker

      In the words of Stephen Cobert:

      "If you're a multi-million dollar comedian who endorses a "multi-million dollar financier, you might not be a redneck."

  6. AlterNewt

    Biden (at the V.P. debate):

    "Governor Perry, I knew Dan Quayle, and you, sir, are no Dan Quayle."

    1. OhNoGuy

      That would make me afraid the VP would die and the President would not have the benefit of his (relative) wisdom.

  7. Sassomatic

    God called, he's like Rick Santorum to be President, and Rick Perry to leave him the fuck alone.

  8. Tundra Grifter

    So a Loser hooks up with an even bigger Loser in order to not any longer be a Loser?

    Ole Newt is worried about carrying Texas? Geez – I would have thought Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, Illinois and California would have been ahead of The Lone Star State on his Bucket List.

    I write "Bucket List" because, for my money, his campaign has already Kicked the Bucket. Like The Rabbit. And Smiler Grogan. Also.

    1. Guppy

      "So a Loser hooks up with an even bigger Loser in order to not any longer be a Loser?"

      Sounds like the plot to an 80's teen movie.

  9. SorosBot

    Yeah, promise to run along a man whose constant blundering and foot-in-mouth disease got him laughed out of the primaries.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    If the GOPers do this then it will be the first time in a long time that voting against their best interests works out for the rest of the world.*

    DO IT!!!

    *I find it hilarious that the GOP would depend on the judgement of people that vote against their "best" interests and who really have no good judgement of their own.

  11. Rotundo_

    God it's like Pinky and The Brain live! What are we doing tonight Newt!? The same thing we do every night Ricky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

      1. Rotundo_

        Newt edges Rick in vocabulary, but beyond that it seems to be a draw. He is shorter and has a bigger head so the resemblance is somewhat there for Brain. As for Rick, I haven't heard him emit Narf! randomly, but a few more weeks on the campaign trail and the painkillers and booze might have turned him literally into Pinky.

      2. Negropolis

        Oh, Newt, no doubt. Like The Brain, he only believes he is a genius when he's anything but.

  12. starfanglednut

    They've got the fat, bigoted, adulterous, gun toting, closeted, religious fundamentalist, stupid, stupid masquerading as smart, senile, out and out liar votes all locked up. Yup, that's a winning ticket!

    1. NellCote71

      Now that you put it that way, I'm worried. Could be a majority. But I speak from Texas, so my perspective may be skewed. Or screwed. Or both.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    It's as if the Purity Prayer-y League of GOP voters were Snow White being asked to settle on which two dwarves would best guide her from harm's way through the thickets and brambles of our Modern Era.

    Funny, cause I'd figured Sleepy and Dopey would be the first two ruled out.

    1. MissTaken

      Now, now, Rick can count all the way to 2. It's 3 that trips him up. Give him some credit.

  14. Goonemeritus

    I find that when an utter contempt for discipline and bone ignorance team up you can get some really startling outcomes. It's analogous to the act of showering and a plugged in toaster being relatively benign on their own but just try combining them.

  15. Callyson

    With apologies to Barney Frank…
    I did not think I had lived a good enough life to see a Frank – Perry ticket…

  16. SayItWithWookies

    This is brilliant — it could be called the Coalition of the Witless. Though I think even Newt would consider it a bad idea, especially since they're both southerners (Newt being from Georgia or Virginia and Perry from Texas) — and even today's GOP would consider that a strategically bad move. But if Perry wants to play Eric Estrada to Newt's Bullwinkle, I say go for it.

  17. Blueb4sunrise

    I'm not going to comment because someone else has probably just hit Submit Comment with pretty much the same content, as I'm typing this.

  18. owhatever

    This is the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Now if they would just add Sarah the Grifter to be on their ticket as the Vice President (Women), it would be ideal.

  19. savethispatient

    A quick glance at a map shows that the I-20 links SC, GA and TX. So, this is basically Federal Government's fault.

  20. pinkocommi

    I hope the Gingrich/Perry ticket will be distributing free Tiffany's blood diamonds and Arab oil for everyone!

  21. chascates

    Following his loss Gingrich could only echo McCain and say Perry was 'best qualified'. To be the hind end of a 2-man jackass.

  22. Negropolis

    Both Gingrich and Perry’s people are publicly denying that they’ve talked about this…

    Well, that's because it would be illegal to do so.


    The paradox is: if Newt were a real conservative, he'd drop out of the race and let The Sanitarium win the nominatium. But no, or whatever.

  24. politics_nerd

    "evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters" can be shortened, per Strunk's style guide, p. 344, to "omfg stupid as fuck idiots". Thank you for your attention.

  25. DocChaos

    Gingrich, not as smart as he pretends, and Perry, not quite as dumb as he appears. Sounds like a balanced ticket to me.

  26. ttommyunger

    Ginger Rogers actually did give Fred Astair sex appeal, but it will take more than Governor Goodhair to smooth over your natural repulsiveness, Newt.

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