SILVER BULLETS  6:25 pm March 12, 2012

We Must All Pray To Allah For A Gingrich-Perry Dream Ticket

by Jim Newell

So much cockFox News’ Carl Cameron reported an EXCLUSIVE (MUST CREDIT DERRICK BELL) story yesterday about the possibility of Newt Gingrich “forming a predetermined ticket with Perry [that] will unite the evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters” and allow them to win the nomination at the convention. Both Gingrich and Perry’s people are publicly denying that they’ve talked about this, but come on — this has all the trappings of an authentic Newt Gingrich Big Idea.

The rationale here must be… that… if a bomb-throwing, incompetent, frighteningly spontaneous candidate with narrow general election appeal could be balanced on the bottom half of the ticket with a bomb-throwing, incompetent, frighteningly spontaneous candidate with narrow general election appeal, then convention delegates would obviously rush at the opportunity to thrust this clown duo into a general election matchup against Barack Obama. Gingrich/Perry — it’s got “acceptable to a broad national coalition” right there on the label!

But we shouldn’t underestimate the ability of 2012 Republican convention delegates to see a big red blinking button saying “ELECTORAL SUICIDE” and press it forcefully, after determining that the button is acting like a Yankee snob that thinks it knows everything. So yeah, this’ll probably happen.

[CNN/Fox News]

 

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{ 118 comments }

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Will Callista be servicing Rick in the parking lot too?

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Worst. "Wife-Swappers." Ever.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Ewwwww.

Warwhatgoodfor March 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Hey, Callista Flockhart is reasonably hot, and does like them old guys….oh you meant the other one? Never mind.

Terry March 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

How about they go with Southern tradition and Callista and Anita Perry take up mud wrestling? It'd be classy.

Biff March 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I think it's time they call up Nancy Reagan from the back bench, best fellatrix in republican history!

Maman March 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Sounds more like the uniting of blowhards and idiots

Beetagger March 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

i'd vote for them… on the moon.

Z Crudmonger March 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

You know who else is on the moon?

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 2:59 am

Arnold Rimmer?

NYNYNYjr March 12, 2012 at 9:53 pm

On the count of three everyone take your space helmets off and breathe in the nice fresh moon air! 1…2…3!! Oh no!!! I didn't say Simon Says!

rocktonsam March 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Mr Speaker,

Gov. Palin line 1.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Fat/Stupid 2012.

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

More like, "Fat and Sounds Smart to Stupid People, but Isn't/Just Stupid 2012"

trampndirtdown March 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Fat drunkand stupid is no way to go through life son.- Dean Wermer.

orygoon March 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I confess to not finding the win in anywhere in this.

Oops, forgot about Texas and Georgia and South Carlina.

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Also Mr & Missus Sippi. Too.

orygoon March 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Not altogether certain about the Missus.

snoopyfan2010 March 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

So true. They would vote for the devil as long as he is not blah and a democrat.

Mrspanky March 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Newt-Perry – this would be the ideal ticket – if they were running for the President and VP of the Confederate States of America……

trampndirtdown March 12, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You mean they aren't ?

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 8:31 am

Oh please, can they? I'm coming round to thinking I'd even PAY them to secede.

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Coming soon to a voting booth near you; Dumbererer and Dumbererer.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Oooh, Sarah's gonna be pissed !!!

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Sarah can run on the Alaskan Independence Party ticket.

Dudleydidwrong March 12, 2012 at 10:13 pm

They've promised her the job of Secretary of State if she stops pouting.

finallyhappy March 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I highly support Gingrich/Perry as the Teaparty candidates. I mean seriously who gives flying fuck?(I realize though that might be something one of Newt's wives did)

CountryClubJihadi March 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Can't wait for the behind the scenes book/movie "Lame Change".

DCBloom March 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

McCain picked Palin, now Newt picks Perry…. they really like their VPs stupid I guess

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I think they consider it the Presidential Life Insurance Policy.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

As pioneered by George H. W. Bush.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Remember how panicked we all were when he vomited in Japan?? The cold, dark reality of a Quayle Presidency was our collective national nightmare.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Luckily that didn't happen – but then his son had to come along and show us what that would have been like. And we still suffer for it.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I'd like the think it was the very thought of a Quayle presidency that made GHWB barf.

LagunaB March 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." How can we forget DQ wisdom.

MosesInvests March 12, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Apparently, bushururu is the Japanese slang term for barfing on someone. Also, remember the old joke-"What are the five most frightening words in the English language? 'Barbara, I'm having chest pains.'" Or "Secret Service Order Number 7: In the event that the President dies, shoot the Vice President." Good times.

coolhandnuke March 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Sixty-six percent of Mississippi GOP voters believe this is a natural selection.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Except they don't believe in natural selection.

OhNoGuy March 12, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Sixty-six percent of Mississippi GOP voters will believe anything.

BarackMyWorld March 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Newt Gingrich could have a time-traveling Ronald Reagan as his running mate and they still wouldn't nominate him.

Exhausted66 March 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Time-traveling Ronald Reagan? Why bother with the science. http://www.zazzle.com/zombie_reagan_tshirt-235967

BarackMyWorld March 12, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I considered that, but didn't use it because I figured a time travelling Reagan might be exempt from term limits if he travelled from a period before he was president.

MissNancyPriss March 13, 2012 at 12:27 am

Smart, very smart.

MarcelleMarceau March 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Sorry, GOP. Nominating a specious prick and dunderhead running mate doesn't exactly qualify as a balanced ticket.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

What do you mean? Looks fair and balanced to me!

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

OT, but MarcelleMarceau, I have ALL your records!

PuckStopsHere March 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

The only way this makes sense is that Newtie is thinking of marrying Rick for his (campaign) money.

NYNYNYjr March 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm

its legal in dc now, right?

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

This is like putting Glenn Beck Tech and Heartland Baptist Bible College in your final four.

coolhandnuke March 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Thanks for the bracket tip…my final four is now complete with Clown College and Dead NBA Mormon Baptized All-Stars meeting in the final.

FakaktaSouth March 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Meanwhile…the God Damned Duggars (with 19 kids, what else do you call them?) are all standing outside the Alabama Theatre cheering on Newt while Jeff Foxworthy and all his dumber than 5th grade minions are here with Mitt. I didn't think it was possible to lower the collective IQ of Republicans in my state, apparently I was wrong.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 12:24 am

Wait, I thought the Duggars were for Santorum? Are they cheating on Rick with Newt?

FakaktaSouth March 13, 2012 at 1:12 am

You are absolutely right – that is a typo. Them Duggars was all in a froth over the Santorum. These idiots are all running together now. I don't even know who the biggest joke I am supposed to vote for tomorrow is any more. My (only) 61yo mother is flipping out. She told me today (after fussing at me for my language on wonkette at the ballpark Saturday) "We have got to get the fuck out of here. These people are crazy."

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 7:37 am

Gingrich. He's the only one competitive with Romney in your state, so vote for the bloat!

fartknocker March 13, 2012 at 12:41 am

In the words of Stephen Cobert:

"If you're a multi-million dollar comedian who endorses a "multi-million dollar financier, you might not be a redneck."

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Please please please please please please ad infinitum.

AlterNewt March 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Biden (at the V.P. debate):

"Governor Perry, I knew Dan Quayle, and you, sir, are no Dan Quayle."

The_Lucky_Wife March 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I'm holding out for a Palin/Bachmann ticket.

OhNoGuy March 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

That would make me afraid the VP would die and the President would not have the benefit of his (relative) wisdom.

Exhausted66 March 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

This is kind of a n****er head scratcher.

Limeylizzie March 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Excellent Alt-text ,I love the new Dirty Ginger Jim .

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Words from a man who has apparently swallowed more than his share.

Sassomatic March 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

God called, he's like Rick Santorum to be President, and Rick Perry to leave him the fuck alone.

Tundra Grifter March 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

So a Loser hooks up with an even bigger Loser in order to not any longer be a Loser?

Ole Newt is worried about carrying Texas? Geez – I would have thought Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania, New York, Illinois and California would have been ahead of The Lone Star State on his Bucket List.

I write "Bucket List" because, for my money, his campaign has already Kicked the Bucket. Like The Rabbit. And Smiler Grogan. Also.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

"So a Loser hooks up with an even bigger Loser in order to not any longer be a Loser?"

Sounds like the plot to an 80's teen movie.

EdFlintstone March 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Helmet hair/Helmet head 2012.

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Wood eye.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Bob McDonnell doesn't approve.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Yeah, promise to run along a man whose constant blundering and foot-in-mouth disease got him laughed out of the primaries.

ManchuCandidate March 12, 2012 at 6:43 pm

If the GOPers do this then it will be the first time in a long time that voting against their best interests works out for the rest of the world.*

DO IT!!!

*I find it hilarious that the GOP would depend on the judgement of people that vote against their "best" interests and who really have no good judgement of their own.

Rotundo_ March 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm

God it's like Pinky and The Brain live! What are we doing tonight Newt!? The same thing we do every night Ricky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

But which one is The Brain??

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

None of 'em, Katie.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Newt thinks he is.

Rotundo_ March 12, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Newt edges Rick in vocabulary, but beyond that it seems to be a draw. He is shorter and has a bigger head so the resemblance is somewhat there for Brain. As for Rick, I haven't heard him emit Narf! randomly, but a few more weeks on the campaign trail and the painkillers and booze might have turned him literally into Pinky.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 12:25 am

Oh, Newt, no doubt. Like The Brain, he only believes he is a genius when he's anything but.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

They've got the fat, bigoted, adulterous, gun toting, closeted, religious fundamentalist, stupid, stupid masquerading as smart, senile, out and out liar votes all locked up. Yup, that's a winning ticket!

NellCote71 March 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Now that you put it that way, I'm worried. Could be a majority. But I speak from Texas, so my perspective may be skewed. Or screwed. Or both.

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

It's as if the Purity Prayer-y League of GOP voters were Snow White being asked to settle on which two dwarves would best guide her from harm's way through the thickets and brambles of our Modern Era.

Funny, cause I'd figured Sleepy and Dopey would be the first two ruled out.

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Dopey's got a cock this long and Sleepy can lick his eyebrows.

johnnyzhivago March 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

As long as Perry avoids gotcha questions, like counting beyond 1, he should be ok.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Now, now, Rick can count all the way to 2. It's 3 that trips him up. Give him some credit.

Goonemeritus March 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I find that when an utter contempt for discipline and bone ignorance team up you can get some really startling outcomes. It's analogous to the act of showering and a plugged in toaster being relatively benign on their own but just try combining them.

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

With apologies to Barney Frank…
I did not think I had lived a good enough life to see a Frank – Perry ticket…

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm

This is brilliant — it could be called the Coalition of the Witless. Though I think even Newt would consider it a bad idea, especially since they're both southerners (Newt being from Georgia or Virginia and Perry from Texas) — and even today's GOP would consider that a strategically bad move. But if Perry wants to play Eric Estrada to Newt's Bullwinkle, I say go for it.

Wilcoxyz March 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Wait, who's the top and who's the bottom on this ticket?

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Callista?

Dudleydidwrong March 12, 2012 at 10:20 pm

That's more of a sexual than a political question.

qwerty42 March 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Dear dog, is this possible!

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

This could be bigger than Martin & Lewis.

Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I'm not going to comment because someone else has probably just hit Submit Comment with pretty much the same content, as I'm typing this.

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 7:59 pm

has it been a bad day?

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I wouldn't have said THAT, but, yeah, pretty much the same content.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Now it will be $2.49 per gallon gas. Hurrah!

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Campaign Slogan: "Oops!"

MadBrahms March 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm

"Gas in every tank, and a man in every electric chair."

poncho_pilot March 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

"mine fell the hardest."

"mine are the deadest."

"ha HA!"

dadanarchist March 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Grift Cassidy and the Dumbass Kid

JackObin March 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Well, why stop there? Start a new politcal party. How about the Drool Party?

IceCreamEmpress March 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Or go back to the classic "Know Nothing" Party?

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm

"I'm gonna take my hand out of my pants long enough to vote!"

owhatever March 12, 2012 at 8:08 pm

This is the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Now if they would just add Sarah the Grifter to be on their ticket as the Vice President (Women), it would be ideal.

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Sarah would be the ideal ambassador to England.

savethispatient March 12, 2012 at 8:20 pm

A quick glance at a map shows that the I-20 links SC, GA and TX. So, this is basically Federal Government's fault.

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

has there ever been a more embarrassing election than this?

no, seriously. ever?

scarface99 March 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

bumper stickerz here!!!! get yer bumper stickerz!!!

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I hope the Gingrich/Perry ticket will be distributing free Tiffany's blood diamonds and Arab oil for everyone!

chascates March 12, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Following his loss Gingrich could only echo McCain and say Perry was 'best qualified'. To be the hind end of a 2-man jackass.

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Allah them, Katie. Whichever candidates have been nominated in front of me.

Negropolis March 12, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Both Gingrich and Perry’s people are publicly denying that they’ve talked about this…

Well, that's because it would be illegal to do so.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 12:26 am

Why doesn't one of them just select Larry the Cable Guy, already, and be done with it?

Data Exactly March 13, 2012 at 12:55 am

They might've said "No" out loud, but they said 'Yes' in their hearts.

BTWBFDIMHO March 13, 2012 at 1:38 am

The paradox is: if Newt were a real conservative, he'd drop out of the race and let The Sanitarium win the nominatium. But no, or whatever.

politics_nerd March 13, 2012 at 9:41 am

"evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters" can be shortened, per Strunk's style guide, p. 344, to "omfg stupid as fuck idiots". Thank you for your attention.

_qb_ March 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

Hey, whatever it takes to flush those turds is fine by me.

DocChaos March 13, 2012 at 11:08 am

Gingrich, not as smart as he pretends, and Perry, not quite as dumb as he appears. Sounds like a balanced ticket to me.

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Ginger Rogers actually did give Fred Astair sex appeal, but it will take more than Governor Goodhair to smooth over your natural repulsiveness, Newt.

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

Eeww, the thought that Dan Quayle actually knew where to put it gives me a queazy feeling.

And who was the poor woman who had to lie back and think of America while he did it? His wife or some idiot intern?

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