THE WAR ON PREPAREDNESS  4:37 pm March 12, 2012

Rick Santorum: Make Teleprompters ‘Illegal’ On The Campaign Trail

by Jim Newell

Jesus used a 'prompterFamily piggybank smasher Rick Santorum has tried it all in his vanity presidential campaign, from constantly insulting gays to constantly insulting women, but victory just doesn’t seem to be in the stars for this comically ousted Senator from last decade. How’s he gonna kill time until God finally gives him the green-light to quit the race? What about… teleprompters? Does anyone have a problem with him “doubling-down on teleprompters” as his hail-mary strategy for defeating Mittens? No? Okay then, let’s run with teleprompters should be illegal for the big closing argument.

Some will simply dismiss this as “Rick Santorum telling a joke,” something that has never happened:

“See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

Oh, well once you see the rationale, it makes much more sense: Teleprompters should be illegal because they allow people… to have speechwriters or aides who help craft messages? The likely truth is just that his campaign can’t afford a teleprompter. Which is a shame, because maybe if he’d had a teleprompter, or speechwriters, or handlers, he wouldn’t have fucked up every thirty seconds.

Maybe.

[TPM]

 

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{ 142 comments }

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

In addition, all candidates and politicians should have to give their speeches in American Sign Language. Only.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Too many would be limited to middle finger "lettering"

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

THE TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT……………

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Sounds good so long as we the voters can respond with hand gestures as well.

Come here a minute March 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Also ILLEGAL: failure to pin your birth certificate to the front of your sweatervest.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

… along with the note that reads,"I am lost and bewildered but I can open my throat."

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

And a sticker that says "HELLO! My name is Creamcup"

Chillatte March 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Don't sweat it, Rick. In a few weeks, you won't have to worry about those silly prompterz ever again.

UnionAgitator March 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Republicans to outlaw reading.

Steverino247 March 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Something tells me he would have fucked up every thirty seconds even WITH a TelePromTer in use.

Sue4466 March 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Yea, let's not underestimate this guy.

EdFlintstone March 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Rick it's not everyone else's fault your campaign can't afford a teleprompter.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Why do his funny statements sound scary and foreboding?

And by comparison, why did Sarah Palin's foreboding and scary statements sound funny?

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

The Republitard candidates' teleprompters don't bother me as much as their stupidity.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

“See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter be a misogynist theocratic dickhead. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people intruding on the freedoms of other people that don't think exactly like you.”

FTFY, Rick.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

So he's betting it all on playing to the racist wingnut memes; I thought that was mostly Newt's game.

LiveToServeYa March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

What if we just rename teleprompters 'Santorum scopes'?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Transpaginal ultrasounds?

CountryClubJihadi March 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Romper Room Magic Mirror?

stncmchnc March 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Oh the Romper Room Magic Mirror, I was six years old, and I was trippin' balls.

Not_So_Much March 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Kenyan voodoo glass?

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

So Rick's admitting that all that dumb shit he says is really his?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Teleprompter? Hell, the guy couldn't afford a typewriter!

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

What's a typewriter?

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

Hell, the guy couldn't afford a typewriter!

Ooh, so last century cool.

I believe a typewriter is a mechanical device with a bizarrely configured keyboard layout that you jabbed with your fingers, designed to slow down fast, accurate typists from jamming up the metal keys.

But I could be wrong.

jodyleek March 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Oh, Ricky – blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!

ph7 March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I'm paying for this teleprompter!

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I brought mine from home!

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Also, no speechwriters allowed.

Wait, even better–Since words are known to be so tricky, NO SPEECHES AT ALL–candidates will be judged on their ability to nonverbally move the voters. Or maybe they should just be assessed on the purity of their souls, by seeing which candidate the majority of adorable puppies snuggle up to…

Jeeze, no, that would put Romney at a disadvantage, since the puppies know about Seamus.

Fuck it. Thunderdome.

jodyleek March 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I'm hoping for a flex-off.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

With chainsaws.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Please outline your view of Israeli/Palestinian relations with a 2-minute Charleston.

CommieLibunatic March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

If we're checking the purity of souls, I'd suggest trial by ordeal. Prepare the molten lead and the candidate's fingers!

WIDTAP March 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Spelling bee. Aw shit, Obama wins again.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Two speechwriters enter, one speechwriter leaves.

chicken_thief March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

That must have been a very brief interview. Normally Rick connects the dots showing how using teleprompters leads to man-on-man sex which leads, of course, to man-on-dog sex. It is a slippery slope, I tell ya.

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

To get it Santourm slippery you need Astroglide.

sewollef March 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

combined with a soupçon of fecal matter, for colour…

Chillatte March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people."

See? The Bible and the Teleprompter aren't that different after all….

Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

dern it.

I'm 1 for 2

hagajim March 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I don't think he'd be any better with a teleprompter. I mean, take a look at Mittens, he has teleprompters and he has about a gaffe a minute going. So maybe, Mittens ought to give up teleprompters voluntarily. What a stupid fuck argument by a stupid fuck..

Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

…all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.

The Santorum, Chap. 3: Verse 12

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Maybe someone should suggest to Santorum MORE teleprompters and less impromptu stream of consciousness.

Slim_Pickins March 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Being able to read is a competitive advantage in other jobs, too, not just running for President.

orygoon March 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

They are not in the Constitution, so it makes sense to me.

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Rick Santorum does not trust other people's words, for they may Deviate from the True Path. This would also explain why he mistrusts colleges, with all those conflicting ideas that may undermine the fairy stories that children grew up with.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

"Yeah, "Illegal"… and no notes. Everyone should just blabber the first crazy shit that comes into their mind."

Imagine what a loopy friggin' debate that would make for… folks would just be blurting out stuff like "I'll bet you $10,000" and "God told me to run for President" and "999!!!"… talk about Cuckoo.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Sure Creamcup. And while we're at it, go ahead and make it illegal for people to disagree with you, do Google searches about you, or make fun of the fact that everything that drips from your maw is total and utter fuckwittery.

freddymcmurray March 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Are hands OK instead of teleprompters?

anniegetyerfun March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

As we all know, pretty much the only words you can fit on a palm are "troops" and "also".

Pop_Socket March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Pallin Allusion of the Day. Well played.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

So long as they're Jazz Hands.

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Oh my, please don't say note paper might be outlawed. How will I remember "cakes we like" when I go to the WalMart.

AlterNewt March 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Maybe just a spelling bee.

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

First, gay sex. Then, abortions. Then, single motherhood. Then, contraceptives. Then, college education for all. Now, teleprompters. What completely reasonable thing does Santorum NOT want to ban?

Chichikovovich March 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hating Mitt Romney?

Veritas78 March 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Cuz being able to memorize stuff is what we need most in Presidents. Chinese rule!

I nominate Meryl Streep. She's got that shit down.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You know who else didn't need a teleprompter?

Veritas78 March 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Helen Keller?

Veritas78 March 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Oedipus?

Veritas78 March 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Stevie Wonder?

Oh thank the dear baby Jeebus, we are still allowed blind jokes. This Rebekkkah, she might work out.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Sarah Palin's palm?

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

That's what you can use instead of index cards when they take your PowerPoint away.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Jesus?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm

You don't speak to 5,000 without preparing something in advance. And I ain't talkin' about Panera and tilapia, either.

An_Outhouse March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Jerry Garcia (until he did : dope + old age can be a bad thing)

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Kojak? (huh? a Telly prompter, huh?)
I'm here all night, folks.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The Great Cornholio?

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Rita Moreno as the Directrix?

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 11:25 pm

I always thought a great band name would be The Obscure.

stncmchnc March 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Hitler

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Mc Coy?

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

"It should be illegal to read off a teleprompter. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

In other news, Sen. Santorum was excommunicated for refusing to accept the authority of the Pope.

fartknocker March 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I'm guessing he's also not a Friends with Words player.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I think it should be illegal for anyone to read off a PowerPoint presentation. Except for me, of course. You don't expect me to carry around notecards all day, do you??

Lucidamente1 March 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And the penalty for illegal teleprompting would be? . . .

An_Outhouse March 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

electrocution?

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

electrolocution?

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Locutus of Borg?

billy_reuben March 12, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Not sounding (quite as) stupid?

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

How odd that Rick thinks it's wrong to read other people's words when his entire life has been a crime against original thought.

chascates March 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

He should go ahead and announce he would want Michele Bachmann as his Veep choice. She doesn't need a teleprompter either, she just chatters shit like Santorum does.

bikerlaureate March 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

…with no regard for the question that was actually asked. It's scary.

Tommy1733 March 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

What about creating JOBS for speechwriters and aides? He is KILLING JOBS!!!

metamarcisf March 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I spit on your marxist teleprompter!

lochnessmonster March 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

There he goes adding more big government laws and such…will the TelePrompTer Police be part of Homeland Security?

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Teleprompter = N**ger.
Worst. Dogwhistle. Evah.

Pop_Socket March 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Sadly, there are people who don't see this as the crypto-racist dogwhistle that it is.

coolhandnuke March 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

If we can shit-can telemarketers, televangelists, telethons and the teletubbies, then we'll give you the teleprompter Ricky.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

AHA!!! Just as Obama had planned!!

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm

i just heard npr cover this too.

they all love a funeral. esp if it's bamz' presidency.

Limeylizzie March 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm
imissopus March 13, 2012 at 12:47 am

Better they should spike now, almost eight months before the election. Plenty of time to come back down, or for people to get used to this level being the new normal.

Chichikovovich March 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Santorum is losing his grip on the one basic rule of the grift: Don't fall for your own con!

Rove or whoever decided to inoculate the tongue-twisted Republicans against damning comparisons by starting up this "teleprompter" thing. And it's actually worked pretty well in wingnut land. But actually giving up teleprompters across the board? Huge advantage to Obama. It would be like Shaquille O'neill agitating for the dunk to be outlawed and NBA games decided by free throw shooting only.

Obama is an exceptional impromptu speaker, as anyone who has seen him speak impromptu will attest. Review the tapes of the McCain debates, Rick. No teleprompters there. Meanwhile, all the Republicans are walking gaffe machines.

[Not to mention the point in the original post alt-text that these guys worship Reagan, who couldn't order toast without a teleprompter. They tripped over themselves to support everything Bush supported - another lost-without-a-teleprompter guy.]

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

(order toast, you say?) Mister Garcon, TEAR DOWN THIS WAFFLE!

Rotundo_ March 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

The last 4 republican presidents could not have functioned under the most friendly circumstances without TelePrompTers propping them up, hell, most of the senate and house would turn to mushmouthed halfwits without them. Even with predigested pablum for the cameras these idiots can barely parrot a coherent sentence.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Chich, shhhhh.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

No, wait. He's absolutely right. Fuck a teleprompter. prepared remarks are not as impressive as a prepared candidate. That said, we want a quid pro quo.

He wants teleprompters gone? Fine. But I want him speaking facts, every time he opens his God. Damn. Mouth. Verifiable, provable, logical facts.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Guess who's super PAC just got a fat check from the index card industry!

An_Outhouse March 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Big Card strikes again!

horsedreamer_1 March 13, 2012 at 12:43 am

Bah! No card check, Santorum.

johnnyzhivago March 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Teleprompters should be illegal. But morons shouldn't be allowed to run for President.

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I think morons should be illegal.

An_Outhouse March 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Any President who once used a teleprompter while campaigning (or had a speech writer) will be retroactively impeached and their names removed from public buildings.

So, what do you want to call the airport in Washington now?

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

"So, what do you want to call the airport in Washington now? "

That Dude That Couldn't Remember His Name By The End Of His Terms National Airport?

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I'm used to calling it Idiot National, so I'll just stick with that.

proudgrampa March 12, 2012 at 5:50 pm

The Watergate Airport?

Terry March 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Call the airport in Washington (actually, it's in Virginia) what it's always been called: Washington National Airport.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Iran-Contra Intercontinental?

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I have always refused to call it anything but National. I have some other thoughts on what to call but I forget what they are.

Not_So_Much March 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

'Mommy', after Nancy?

anniegetyerfun March 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Maybe they should just make it illegal to be so bad at reading them. That would knock Gingrich out of the race right away. The guy is like a terrible SNL guest.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I'll just pull this one out:

Lohan LIBEL!

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

In addition to that, all candidates will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside – so we can check.

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Did he say "focus group-ed?" A teleprompter would have helped him avoid that.

BarackMyWorld March 12, 2012 at 5:12 pm
An_Outhouse March 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Authoritarian Rick is authoritarian.

Rotundo_ March 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I think all technology and elements of modern civilized life should be banned from political discourse before the public. No makeup, no video, no sound, no print, no in-person speaking appearances, no transportation beyond horseback, no hot water on the campaign trail, hell, no clothing on the campaign trail, no anything. Make the bastards use roadkill for a wardrobe. Then we can just pick up the "vibes" of the individual candidates, if we find out who they are prior to voting.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm

So we're talking authentic Lincoln-Douglas style, eh?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 5:16 pm

At internet speed.

deit: I'm coming to Memphis on Sunday, to watch the latest Sister Myotis installment. These shows are very funny.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I LOVE those! One of our former tenants is the genetic female in that ensemble. Sadly, I will be in Louisiana consorting with family, drinking a shit-ton of Abita Strawberry Harvest beer, and celebrating a venerated saint's day the way Jeebus intended.

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

EQ, where in La? I am originally from Shreveport.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Baton Rouge. And maybe a side trip to NOLA. I'm having crawfish withdrawals.

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Ah, good deal. Enjoy! This would be where I ask "How do you eat your crawfish?", but it will come out all wrong.

Antispandex March 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Did Abe Lincoln have a teleprompter? How about any of the other Presidents (especially the Federalists) who didn't even like TALKING to the dirty and the poors? At least the teleprompter might keep the spit off of you! And that's a good thing, no matter which direction the spit is coming from.

dadanarchist March 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Word Salad for All!

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Next time someone goes off about how the *Democrats* want to regulate us into a nanny state, I'll bring this shit up…

glamourdammerung March 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Small government!

Terry March 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Old Rick is just upset that he can't afford a speech writer anymore and he's trying to level the playing field.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

He had a speech writer? Was it a cat that walked across an Underwood?

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Can I ask that they get to wear their depends on the inside?

rocktonsam March 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

keep talking about those issues nobody cares about while you keep on fucking that chicken you asshole!

Exhausted66 March 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

TelePrompTers?
That's such early-Obama right wing nuttery? It's like he's playing the Tea Party's Greatest Hits.
Coming soon – No putting your feet up on the desk in the Oval Office. No Czars, either!

Angry_Marmot March 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Those aren't marbles he's rolling in his mouth…

obfuscator2 March 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

you probably don't need a teleprompter if your stump speech consists of nothing more than "socialist snob nobamar attacking catholic church all womens are sluts!!1!".

Lucidamente1 March 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm
_qb_ March 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Dear Wonkette,

I know it's entirely off-topic, and I don't expect to be included in this thread, but, dammit, the Santorum campaign is spamming me, in spite of my insults and having opted out, like a good boy should. I sent their robot this reply tonight, and I just wanted to share it with you:

Listen Assholes

I understand that I was added to your robobegging "do indeed pester" list in retaliation for my audacious rejection of and insult to your obnoxious candidate's insistence upon his plausible spokesmanship for an informed voter like me, but, enough is skullfucking-Jesus-enough.

I've already played your way; I clicked "Unsubscribe," yet I continue to find littering my inbox the most persuasive fundraising efforts your fuckless campaign homunculi seem able to generate.

Knock it off, your candidate is as desirable for president as a child molester at daycare, and ominously, with the same rhetorical tack to boot.

I'm clicking "unsubscribe" again. I know you'll ignore me. I'm as likely to vote for that anencephalic turd you're spiteful enough to beg on behalf of, as the Taliban is likely to love the USA.

I can only hope that some silly True Believer has to read this reply; Shame on you fellow American, you're making an awfully foolish mistake working for Rick Santorum's nomination.

May your gullibility and shameful decisions leave you incontinent and homeless,

***** ******
(NOT voting for Dick Santorum even if my life depended on it)

Schmegeg March 12, 2012 at 11:58 pm

The average teleprompter could beat these assholes and be the Republican nominee.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Teleprompter/Toaster 2012

Jukesgrrl March 13, 2012 at 6:01 am

It makes perfect sense to me that a candidate who goes out of his way to alienate the group that comprises more than 60% of votes cast would also reject a tool that would make his positions on the issues more intelligible.

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Prolly ought to outlaw the Bible while you're at it, Ricky, since it's all somebody else's word and all, Constitution, too.

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