the war on preparedness

Rick Santorum: Make Teleprompters ‘Illegal’ On The Campaign Trail

Jesus used a 'prompterFamily piggybank smasher Rick Santorum has tried it all in his vanity presidential campaign, from constantly insulting gays to constantly insulting women, but victory just doesn’t seem to be in the stars for this comically ousted Senator from last decade. How’s he gonna kill time until God finally gives him the green-light to quit the race? What about… teleprompters? Does anyone have a problem with him “doubling-down on teleprompters” as his hail-mary strategy for defeating Mittens? No? Okay then, let’s run with teleprompters should be illegal for the big closing argument.

Some will simply dismiss this as “Rick Santorum telling a joke,” something that has never happened:

“See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

Oh, well once you see the rationale, it makes much more sense: Teleprompters should be illegal because they allow people… to have speechwriters or aides who help craft messages? The likely truth is just that his campaign can’t afford a teleprompter. Which is a shame, because maybe if he’d had a teleprompter, or speechwriters, or handlers, he wouldn’t have fucked up every thirty seconds.

Maybe.

[TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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142 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    In addition, all candidates and politicians should have to give their speeches in American Sign Language. Only.

  2. Come here a minute

    Also ILLEGAL: failure to pin your birth certificate to the front of your sweatervest.

  3. Steverino247

    Something tells me he would have fucked up every thirty seconds even WITH a TelePromTer in use.

  4. KeepFnThatChicken

    Why do his funny statements sound scary and foreboding?

    And by comparison, why did Sarah Palin's foreboding and scary statements sound funny?

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    “See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter be a misogynist theocratic dickhead. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people intruding on the freedoms of other people that don't think exactly like you.”

    FTFY, Rick.

  6. SorosBot

    So he's betting it all on playing to the racist wingnut memes; I thought that was mostly Newt's game.

    1. sewollef

      Hell, the guy couldn't afford a typewriter!

      Ooh, so last century cool.

      I believe a typewriter is a mechanical device with a bizarrely configured keyboard layout that you jabbed with your fingers, designed to slow down fast, accurate typists from jamming up the metal keys.

      But I could be wrong.

  7. Doktor Zoom

    Also, no speechwriters allowed.

    Wait, even better–Since words are known to be so tricky, NO SPEECHES AT ALL–candidates will be judged on their ability to nonverbally move the voters. Or maybe they should just be assessed on the purity of their souls, by seeing which candidate the majority of adorable puppies snuggle up to…

    Jeeze, no, that would put Romney at a disadvantage, since the puppies know about Seamus.

    Fuck it. Thunderdome.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Please outline your view of Israeli/Palestinian relations with a 2-minute Charleston.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      If we're checking the purity of souls, I'd suggest trial by ordeal. Prepare the molten lead and the candidate's fingers!

  8. chicken_thief

    That must have been a very brief interview. Normally Rick connects the dots showing how using teleprompters leads to man-on-man sex which leads, of course, to man-on-dog sex. It is a slippery slope, I tell ya.

  9. Chillatte

    "Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people."

    See? The Bible and the Teleprompter aren't that different after all….

  10. hagajim

    I don't think he'd be any better with a teleprompter. I mean, take a look at Mittens, he has teleprompters and he has about a gaffe a minute going. So maybe, Mittens ought to give up teleprompters voluntarily. What a stupid fuck argument by a stupid fuck..

  11. Blueb4sunrise

    …all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.

    The Santorum, Chap. 3: Verse 12

  12. pinkocommi

    Maybe someone should suggest to Santorum MORE teleprompters and less impromptu stream of consciousness.

  13. Slim_Pickins

    Being able to read is a competitive advantage in other jobs, too, not just running for President.

  14. Doktor Zoom

    Rick Santorum does not trust other people's words, for they may Deviate from the True Path. This would also explain why he mistrusts colleges, with all those conflicting ideas that may undermine the fairy stories that children grew up with.

  15. DaRooster

    "Yeah, "Illegal"… and no notes. Everyone should just blabber the first crazy shit that comes into their mind."

    Imagine what a loopy friggin' debate that would make for… folks would just be blurting out stuff like "I'll bet you $10,000" and "God told me to run for President" and "999!!!"… talk about Cuckoo.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Sure Creamcup. And while we're at it, go ahead and make it illegal for people to disagree with you, do Google searches about you, or make fun of the fact that everything that drips from your maw is total and utter fuckwittery.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      As we all know, pretty much the only words you can fit on a palm are "troops" and "also".

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      Oh my, please don't say note paper might be outlawed. How will I remember "cakes we like" when I go to the WalMart.

  17. pinkocommi

    First, gay sex. Then, abortions. Then, single motherhood. Then, contraceptives. Then, college education for all. Now, teleprompters. What completely reasonable thing does Santorum NOT want to ban?

  18. Veritas78

    Cuz being able to memorize stuff is what we need most in Presidents. Chinese rule!

    I nominate Meryl Streep. She's got that shit down.

        1. Veritas78

          Stevie Wonder?

          Oh thank the dear baby Jeebus, we are still allowed blind jokes. This Rebekkkah, she might work out.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        You don't speak to 5,000 without preparing something in advance. And I ain't talkin' about Panera and tilapia, either.

  19. Doktor Zoom

    "It should be illegal to read off a teleprompter. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”

    In other news, Sen. Santorum was excommunicated for refusing to accept the authority of the Pope.

  20. MissTaken

    I think it should be illegal for anyone to read off a PowerPoint presentation. Except for me, of course. You don't expect me to carry around notecards all day, do you??

  21. SayItWithWookies

    How odd that Rick thinks it's wrong to read other people's words when his entire life has been a crime against original thought.

  22. chascates

    He should go ahead and announce he would want Michele Bachmann as his Veep choice. She doesn't need a teleprompter either, she just chatters shit like Santorum does.

  23. lochnessmonster

    There he goes adding more big government laws and such…will the TelePrompTer Police be part of Homeland Security?

  24. coolhandnuke

    If we can shit-can telemarketers, televangelists, telethons and the teletubbies, then we'll give you the teleprompter Ricky.

    1. imissopus

      Better they should spike now, almost eight months before the election. Plenty of time to come back down, or for people to get used to this level being the new normal.

  25. Chichikovovich

    Santorum is losing his grip on the one basic rule of the grift: Don't fall for your own con!

    Rove or whoever decided to inoculate the tongue-twisted Republicans against damning comparisons by starting up this "teleprompter" thing. And it's actually worked pretty well in wingnut land. But actually giving up teleprompters across the board? Huge advantage to Obama. It would be like Shaquille O'neill agitating for the dunk to be outlawed and NBA games decided by free throw shooting only.

    Obama is an exceptional impromptu speaker, as anyone who has seen him speak impromptu will attest. Review the tapes of the McCain debates, Rick. No teleprompters there. Meanwhile, all the Republicans are walking gaffe machines.

    [Not to mention the point in the original post alt-text that these guys worship Reagan, who couldn't order toast without a teleprompter. They tripped over themselves to support everything Bush supported - another lost-without-a-teleprompter guy.]

    1. Rotundo_

      The last 4 republican presidents could not have functioned under the most friendly circumstances without TelePrompTers propping them up, hell, most of the senate and house would turn to mushmouthed halfwits without them. Even with predigested pablum for the cameras these idiots can barely parrot a coherent sentence.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    No, wait. He's absolutely right. Fuck a teleprompter. prepared remarks are not as impressive as a prepared candidate. That said, we want a quid pro quo.

    He wants teleprompters gone? Fine. But I want him speaking facts, every time he opens his God. Damn. Mouth. Verifiable, provable, logical facts.

  27. An_Outhouse

    Any President who once used a teleprompter while campaigning (or had a speech writer) will be retroactively impeached and their names removed from public buildings.

    So, what do you want to call the airport in Washington now?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "So, what do you want to call the airport in Washington now? "

      That Dude That Couldn't Remember His Name By The End Of His Terms National Airport?

    2. Terry

      Call the airport in Washington (actually, it's in Virginia) what it's always been called: Washington National Airport.

    3. Beowoof

      I have always refused to call it anything but National. I have some other thoughts on what to call but I forget what they are.

  28. anniegetyerfun

    Maybe they should just make it illegal to be so bad at reading them. That would knock Gingrich out of the race right away. The guy is like a terrible SNL guest.

  29. FlownOver

    In addition to that, all candidates will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside – so we can check.

  30. Rotundo_

    I think all technology and elements of modern civilized life should be banned from political discourse before the public. No makeup, no video, no sound, no print, no in-person speaking appearances, no transportation beyond horseback, no hot water on the campaign trail, hell, no clothing on the campaign trail, no anything. Make the bastards use roadkill for a wardrobe. Then we can just pick up the "vibes" of the individual candidates, if we find out who they are prior to voting.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I LOVE those! One of our former tenants is the genetic female in that ensemble. Sadly, I will be in Louisiana consorting with family, drinking a shit-ton of Abita Strawberry Harvest beer, and celebrating a venerated saint's day the way Jeebus intended.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            Ah, good deal. Enjoy! This would be where I ask "How do you eat your crawfish?", but it will come out all wrong.

  31. Antispandex

    Did Abe Lincoln have a teleprompter? How about any of the other Presidents (especially the Federalists) who didn't even like TALKING to the dirty and the poors? At least the teleprompter might keep the spit off of you! And that's a good thing, no matter which direction the spit is coming from.

  32. Callyson

    Next time someone goes off about how the *Democrats* want to regulate us into a nanny state, I'll bring this shit up…

  33. Terry

    Old Rick is just upset that he can't afford a speech writer anymore and he's trying to level the playing field.

  34. rocktonsam

    keep talking about those issues nobody cares about while you keep on fucking that chicken you asshole!

  35. Exhausted66

    TelePrompTers?
    That's such early-Obama right wing nuttery? It's like he's playing the Tea Party's Greatest Hits.
    Coming soon – No putting your feet up on the desk in the Oval Office. No Czars, either!

  36. obfuscator2

    you probably don't need a teleprompter if your stump speech consists of nothing more than "socialist snob nobamar attacking catholic church all womens are sluts!!1!".

  37. _qb_

    Dear Wonkette,

    I know it's entirely off-topic, and I don't expect to be included in this thread, but, dammit, the Santorum campaign is spamming me, in spite of my insults and having opted out, like a good boy should. I sent their robot this reply tonight, and I just wanted to share it with you:

    Listen Assholes

    I understand that I was added to your robobegging "do indeed pester" list in retaliation for my audacious rejection of and insult to your obnoxious candidate's insistence upon his plausible spokesmanship for an informed voter like me, but, enough is skullfucking-Jesus-enough.

    I've already played your way; I clicked "Unsubscribe," yet I continue to find littering my inbox the most persuasive fundraising efforts your fuckless campaign homunculi seem able to generate.

    Knock it off, your candidate is as desirable for president as a child molester at daycare, and ominously, with the same rhetorical tack to boot.

    I'm clicking "unsubscribe" again. I know you'll ignore me. I'm as likely to vote for that anencephalic turd you're spiteful enough to beg on behalf of, as the Taliban is likely to love the USA.

    I can only hope that some silly True Believer has to read this reply; Shame on you fellow American, you're making an awfully foolish mistake working for Rick Santorum's nomination.

    May your gullibility and shameful decisions leave you incontinent and homeless,

    ***** ******
    (NOT voting for Dick Santorum even if my life depended on it)

  38. Jukesgrrl

    It makes perfect sense to me that a candidate who goes out of his way to alienate the group that comprises more than 60% of votes cast would also reject a tool that would make his positions on the issues more intelligible.

  39. ttommyunger

    Prolly ought to outlaw the Bible while you're at it, Ricky, since it's all somebody else's word and all, Constitution, too.

Comments are closed.