FROGGY WENT A-COURTIN'  4:05 pm March 12, 2012

Nixon Library Exhibits Disgraced Dead President’s Mushy Love Tripe To His Bride

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!Hey fellas! Are you trying to get that special lady to let you and only you into her moistened drawers, but the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her (insult her to her face) or Joe Francis telling you to offer a trucker cap to show you her tits (insult her to her face)? We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’, but perhaps you could try something a little more suavay! Take this love note Richard M. Nixon wrote to Pat, while they were a-courtin’!

“Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier. And now I know. An Irish gypsy who radiates all that is happy and beautiful was there. She left behind her a note addressed to a struggling barrister who looks from a window and dreams. And in that note he found sunshine and flowers, and a great spirit which only great ladies can inspire,” Nixon wrote. “Someday let me see you again? In September? Maybe?”

Hoo boy. On second thought, totally insult a girl to her face instead.

[Washington Post]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 92 comments }

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm

True story: He used to drive Pat to her dates with other men.

Talk about pussywhipped!

Sue4466 March 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Lemme guess: Wait Wait Don't Tell Me?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Yup

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

He is still a crook!

bflrtsplk March 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

And a stupid spineless one at that.

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

But, he looks terrifyingly sane compared to today's Republicans.
My mom is looking down from heaven in horror as I type those words. Sorry Mom, but it's true…

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’

Say, Becca, didn't you tell us you have a glass eye?

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

No, it's wooden.

TheSheriffsNear March 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Harelip! Harelip! (the customary response)

Rotundo_ March 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Nope, it's a T2000 prototype that "fell off the truck" from the DARPA labs down in White Sands. Thing has built in GPS mapping and a 75 watt chemical laser (one use only, between refills) that'll nut you and cauterize the remnants of your sack if you are foolhardy enough to get out of line.

poncho_pilot March 13, 2012 at 3:53 am

you make this sound like a bad thing.

chascates March 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

No wonder Pat started drinking.

bflrtsplk March 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

She was already drinking. Why do you think she went out with him in the first place?

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Talk about pandering to lower oil prices. Did Dick offer to give Pat to the Shah for cheap oil?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

An "irish gypsy"? Can't be described as "swarthy" with flaming red hair, face down in one's own puke.

DrunkIrishman March 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Then he took a photo of his junk and said, "now trick this dick."

ChernobylSoup March 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Marines: There. That right there is when you relieve yourself on someone.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I find this post impossible to masturbate to.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

See: Hasselback, Elizabitch

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Nixon has always been human saltpeter.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 2:05 am

Just think of an Irish gypsy.

ChernobylSoup March 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Why didn't he just text her?

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I like you. Do you like me?

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Glad to see he dropped leaflets first.

northernbassist March 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Trying to fold my computer screen into a playground fortune teller, but the damn thing just keeps sparking and dying.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Ick. Ewww. Gross. That's like thinking about your parents getting it on.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Worse. It's like getting hit on by one of Gramma's roommates at Happy Acres.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"Look, just promise you won't tell grammie, okay?"

Buzz Feedback March 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

He's right about S-hittier. People from Hawaiian Gardens go there on vacation.

LesBontemps March 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

He was trying to get it down Pat.

Lucidamente1 March 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Punchline to a joke from 1972: Why did Nixon go see "Deep Throat" six times?

BloviateMe March 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Say what you will, but he could motorboat tits like none other.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Well it sounds better than "Can I trap you in a loveless, semi-abusive marriage, while I pursue a career in politics that you absolutely hate, and eventually promise to leave after my final humiliating defeat, only to break that promise and run for President again, and will turn completely sexless in our later years, while I spend my time off on vacation with my Cuban "friend" and you turn to pills to deal with how your life as been and I turn to alcohol, until finally I go down in scandal and our name becomes a synonym for everything that's wrong with America's political system".

TheSheriffsNear March 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Ah, life's rich pageant where personal aspirations and fantasies are crushed by our self-destructive compulsions.

Veritas78 March 12, 2012 at 10:26 pm

But youth wants to know The Rest Of The Story: "…then my employees went on to create a party which would disavow all my policies as being too liberal but never disavow me because they respected my complete lack of any ethical sense whatsoever, and they really admired my misogyny. So you, Pat, you drunken, pill-popping bitch, you get to 'go down' in history (like you would never go down on me but I'm sure you would have gone down on that nazi Haldeman (oh he had a fine ass!) or that jew Kissinger, oh Pat I'm sure you wanted that fat circumcized thing of his, I saw you look longingly at all the jews with their big cocks, don't think I didn't see the lust in your eyes, like I wasn't good enough, no this honest quaker staff was never hard enough for you!) as the whore-wife of the most hated inadequate phony blowhard politician ever, you dirty cunt — you made me hit you again, didn't you, you slut! " (Slaps Pat, slams down another Canadian Club.)

Might be fiction, but might not. Amarite?

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 2:07 am

I learned more about the Nixons in that than I did during my entire schooling.

Cuban "friend"? Do tell.

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"If you show me your enemies list I'll show you mine."

SexySmurf March 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Tricky Dick ended the letter by adding, "And the Jews run the banks."

Actually, he ended all his letters that way.

Goonemeritus March 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Unlike Nixon I mourn I the written love letter passing.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

My typing speed lets me generate more smut-per-second with an email.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Can't wait to read the love notes between him and that Carlos guy… should be even hotter than this!

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

And Bebe cried.

Chillatte March 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I thought the "Nixon Library" only existed in the movie Idiocracy.

commiegirl March 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

No, Chillate, I have been to the Nixon Library SEVERAL TIMES! Once I was there for some charity thing, and I had a temporary tattoo of Che I had just gotten visiting a friend in Mazatlan. So the people at the table look at my tattoo and say "Oh who is that?" and I say, thinking it has gotten blurry, "Oh, it's Che!"

And they all look at me until one woman says thoughtfully, "You say that as if we should know who that is."

Chillatte March 12, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Srsly, what kind of a "Commie" gets a temporary Che tattoo? (Just kidding, of course). Speaking of our longstanding tradition of honoring assholes, I can't wait for the George W. Bush Library to be completed, can you? Barry's stimulus dollars at work…

bloodandirony March 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"insult her to her face"
Works for Mitt "heavyweight" Romney. Or maybe it didn't.

coolhandnuke March 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm

It's not of Penthouse Letters quality, but it did give Spiro T. Agnew his first tingle down there in over a decade when Dick let him read it.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Pat, I love you more than bombing Cambodia.

mrblifil March 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Pat: If you did anymore to turn my world to flowers and rainbows I'd have to get the National Guard to crack your skull.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Be My Lai

gullywompr March 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Pat was just folowing orders.

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Of course, after he sent Pat the note, Nixon hired thugs to surveil her, bug her apartment and tap her phones. Because that is the only way he knew how to communicate his love. America, he did everything for love.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

He put the icky in Tricky Dicky.

AlterNewt March 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier."

Drones from the future!!

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Somehow, this seems like Dick's style of love song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM2rXiBM-qY

DerrickWildcat March 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I am racist against Gypsies. Don't like them at all.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Ah fookin' haight Pikeys!!

DerrickWildcat March 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Stevie Nicks in particular

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

NaFace Palm!

smokefilledroommate March 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The sentiment really shines when the letters are read aloud by some fat historian guy.

mrblifil March 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That's about all I care to hear about Dick Nixon's "spirit" (semen).

JackDempsey1 March 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

He and Kissinger were all about chasing a "piece with honor."

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Here, you misspelled "on her"…

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm

It's even funnier if you say it in your best Nixon impersonation voice. and then end with "Sock it to ME??!"

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her

As coincidence would have it, I only learned about this particular substrate of the "PUA" cesspit the other day, in a discussion of this recent XKCD strip.

Amazing to think that there's a group of people who make Richard Nixon seem like a paragon of straightforward honesty in human relationships.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I actually dated a guy who thought Mystery and being a PUA was a good thing. He "neg'd" me by saying I should take up running because it would be easy for me to lose 30 lbs. 30 lbs that I don't need to lose, thank you very much. What a dick.

Although, still not as big a dick as Tricky Dick.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

You certainly have managed to pick some winners lately. I'm sure you must wish you were still with this prince of a man.

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I've certainly kissed my share of frogs.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Wait, are you calling me a frog?

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

R-R-R-RRRRRRichard Suuuuuuave!

LettucePrey March 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Other historical presidential love letters include:

"Ignore the comments from my family; you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. And if I'm lying, may God strike me with polio and make me president during a horrible Depression." – FDR to Eleanor

"You're a frigid Kentucky jezebel. After the theater tonight, it's over. I need you like a hole in the head." – Abe Lincoln to Mary Todd

CthuNHu March 12, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Too soon.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 2:10 am

"The money really was on the drawer, you dumb bitch."

- Bill Clinton to (fill in the blank)

Steverino247 March 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I'm sure I wrote worse stuff to my girlfriend and we're still married, so…

(Of course, I am not a crook, either.)

metamarcisf March 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

He's been dead for 18 years, but I'd still take him over any of the clowns running this year

FakaktaSouth March 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Hell if I were a dead president there'd be a homemade booklet with blow job coupons in a "shit my wife gave me" shoebox on display, so ya know, could be worse I guess.

orygoon March 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Yay! Today we all are not crooks!

MrFizzy March 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I am not a poet.

Sharkey March 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I knew it!

EloquentScience March 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Nixon was never known to be one who pulled out—whether it was with women or Vietnam. Oh, except for that resignation thingee. My bad!

mrblifil March 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Nixon, A One Sentence Biographical Sketch:

Nixon is standing in front of a Marine helicopter, primed for take off.

NIXON: I am not a quitter. (enters helicopter)

END OF PLAY

Antispandex March 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Myth; Any invented story, idea, or concept

Did Nixon ever have sex? Did he just drive Pat to another guys house to have him do her up? Did anyone really ever screw Pat?

Republican myths are the most difficult to unravel.

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

i thought pat was queen elizabeth at first.

weird times.

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 9:31 pm

In his post-presidency, Nixon would go on to write for Earth Wind & Fire.

owhatever March 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Is that scary devil-looking person standing beside him Count Dracula? No, on the other side; the one in black with all the medals.

doloras March 12, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That's our good buddy the Shah of Iran.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 2:08 am

Only Nixon could go to Vagina.

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Heh, heh. All those years Pat thought we was screaming "Oh baby, baby" when he came in her hair. Now we know it was "Bebe, Bebe".

ravenoustriffid March 15, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Look up Woodrow Wilson and "Colonel" House. House had quarters in the White house. Want to start a rumor about Wilson next?

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Yes, but you turned into a prince so it's okay!

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Aw, thanks sweetie.

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