froggy went a-courtin'

Nixon Library Exhibits Disgraced Dead President’s Mushy Love Tripe To His Bride

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!Hey fellas! Are you trying to get that special lady to let you and only you into her moistened drawers, but the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her (insult her to her face) or Joe Francis telling you to offer a trucker cap to show you her tits (insult her to her face)? We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’, but perhaps you could try something a little more suavay! Take this love note Richard M. Nixon wrote to Pat, while they were a-courtin’!

“Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier. And now I know. An Irish gypsy who radiates all that is happy and beautiful was there. She left behind her a note addressed to a struggling barrister who looks from a window and dreams. And in that note he found sunshine and flowers, and a great spirit which only great ladies can inspire,” Nixon wrote. “Someday let me see you again? In September? Maybe?”

Hoo boy. On second thought, totally insult a girl to her face instead.

[Washington Post]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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92 comments

    1. Callyson

      But, he looks terrifyingly sane compared to today's Republicans.
      My mom is looking down from heaven in horror as I type those words. Sorry Mom, but it's true…

  1. actor212

    We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’

    Say, Becca, didn't you tell us you have a glass eye?

    1. Rotundo_

      Nope, it's a T2000 prototype that "fell off the truck" from the DARPA labs down in White Sands. Thing has built in GPS mapping and a 75 watt chemical laser (one use only, between refills) that'll nut you and cauterize the remnants of your sack if you are foolhardy enough to get out of line.

  2. nounverb911

    Talk about pandering to lower oil prices. Did Dick offer to give Pat to the Shah for cheap oil?

  3. KeepFnThatChicken

    An "irish gypsy"? Can't be described as "swarthy" with flaming red hair, face down in one's own puke.

    1. northernbassist

      Trying to fold my computer screen into a playground fortune teller, but the damn thing just keeps sparking and dying.

  4. SorosBot

    Well it sounds better than "Can I trap you in a loveless, semi-abusive marriage, while I pursue a career in politics that you absolutely hate, and eventually promise to leave after my final humiliating defeat, only to break that promise and run for President again, and will turn completely sexless in our later years, while I spend my time off on vacation with my Cuban "friend" and you turn to pills to deal with how your life as been and I turn to alcohol, until finally I go down in scandal and our name becomes a synonym for everything that's wrong with America's political system".

    1. TheSheriffsNear

      Ah, life's rich pageant where personal aspirations and fantasies are crushed by our self-destructive compulsions.

    2. Veritas78

      But youth wants to know The Rest Of The Story: "…then my employees went on to create a party which would disavow all my policies as being too liberal but never disavow me because they respected my complete lack of any ethical sense whatsoever, and they really admired my misogyny. So you, Pat, you drunken, pill-popping bitch, you get to 'go down' in history (like you would never go down on me but I'm sure you would have gone down on that nazi Haldeman (oh he had a fine ass!) or that jew Kissinger, oh Pat I'm sure you wanted that fat circumcized thing of his, I saw you look longingly at all the jews with their big cocks, don't think I didn't see the lust in your eyes, like I wasn't good enough, no this honest quaker staff was never hard enough for you!) as the whore-wife of the most hated inadequate phony blowhard politician ever, you dirty cunt — you made me hit you again, didn't you, you slut! " (Slaps Pat, slams down another Canadian Club.)

      Might be fiction, but might not. Amarite?

    3. Negropolis

      I learned more about the Nixons in that than I did during my entire schooling.

      Cuban "friend"? Do tell.

  5. SexySmurf

    Tricky Dick ended the letter by adding, "And the Jews run the banks."

    Actually, he ended all his letters that way.

  6. DaRooster

    Can't wait to read the love notes between him and that Carlos guy… should be even hotter than this!

    1. commiegirl

      No, Chillate, I have been to the Nixon Library SEVERAL TIMES! Once I was there for some charity thing, and I had a temporary tattoo of Che I had just gotten visiting a friend in Mazatlan. So the people at the table look at my tattoo and say "Oh who is that?" and I say, thinking it has gotten blurry, "Oh, it's Che!"

      And they all look at me until one woman says thoughtfully, "You say that as if we should know who that is."

      1. Chillatte

        Srsly, what kind of a "Commie" gets a temporary Che tattoo? (Just kidding, of course). Speaking of our longstanding tradition of honoring assholes, I can't wait for the George W. Bush Library to be completed, can you? Barry's stimulus dollars at work…

  7. coolhandnuke

    It's not of Penthouse Letters quality, but it did give Spiro T. Agnew his first tingle down there in over a decade when Dick let him read it.

  8. pinkocommi

    Of course, after he sent Pat the note, Nixon hired thugs to surveil her, bug her apartment and tap her phones. Because that is the only way he knew how to communicate his love. America, he did everything for love.

  9. AlterNewt

    "Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier."

    Drones from the future!!

  10. Generation[redacted]

    It's even funnier if you say it in your best Nixon impersonation voice. and then end with "Sock it to ME??!"

  11. Doktor Zoom

    the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her

    As coincidence would have it, I only learned about this particular substrate of the "PUA" cesspit the other day, in a discussion of this recent XKCD strip.

    Amazing to think that there's a group of people who make Richard Nixon seem like a paragon of straightforward honesty in human relationships.

    1. MissTaken

      I actually dated a guy who thought Mystery and being a PUA was a good thing. He "neg'd" me by saying I should take up running because it would be easy for me to lose 30 lbs. 30 lbs that I don't need to lose, thank you very much. What a dick.

      Although, still not as big a dick as Tricky Dick.

      1. SorosBot

        You certainly have managed to pick some winners lately. I'm sure you must wish you were still with this prince of a man.

  12. LettucePrey

    Other historical presidential love letters include:

    "Ignore the comments from my family; you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. And if I'm lying, may God strike me with polio and make me president during a horrible Depression." – FDR to Eleanor

    "You're a frigid Kentucky jezebel. After the theater tonight, it's over. I need you like a hole in the head." – Abe Lincoln to Mary Todd

    1. Negropolis

      "The money really was on the drawer, you dumb bitch."

      - Bill Clinton to (fill in the blank)

  13. Steverino247

    I'm sure I wrote worse stuff to my girlfriend and we're still married, so…

    (Of course, I am not a crook, either.)

  14. metamarcisf

    He's been dead for 18 years, but I'd still take him over any of the clowns running this year

  15. FakaktaSouth

    Hell if I were a dead president there'd be a homemade booklet with blow job coupons in a "shit my wife gave me" shoebox on display, so ya know, could be worse I guess.

    1. mrblifil

      Nixon, A One Sentence Biographical Sketch:

      Nixon is standing in front of a Marine helicopter, primed for take off.

      NIXON: I am not a quitter. (enters helicopter)

      END OF PLAY

  16. Antispandex

    Myth; Any invented story, idea, or concept

    Did Nixon ever have sex? Did he just drive Pat to another guys house to have him do her up? Did anyone really ever screw Pat?

    Republican myths are the most difficult to unravel.

  17. owhatever

    Is that scary devil-looking person standing beside him Count Dracula? No, on the other side; the one in black with all the medals.

  18. ttommyunger

    Heh, heh. All those years Pat thought we was screaming "Oh baby, baby" when he came in her hair. Now we know it was "Bebe, Bebe".

    1. ravenoustriffid

      Look up Woodrow Wilson and "Colonel" House. House had quarters in the White house. Want to start a rumor about Wilson next?

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