Smiles, everyone! Smiles!Hey fellas! Are you trying to get that special lady to let you and only you into her moistened drawers, but the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her (insult her to her face) or Joe Francis telling you to offer a trucker cap to show you her tits (insult her to her face)? We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’, but perhaps you could try something a little more suavay! Take this love note Richard M. Nixon wrote to Pat, while they were a-courtin’!

“Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier. And now I know. An Irish gypsy who radiates all that is happy and beautiful was there. She left behind her a note addressed to a struggling barrister who looks from a window and dreams. And in that note he found sunshine and flowers, and a great spirit which only great ladies can inspire,” Nixon wrote. “Someday let me see you again? In September? Maybe?”

Hoo boy. On second thought, totally insult a girl to her face instead.

[Washington Post]

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  • True story: He used to drive Pat to her dates with other men.

    Talk about pussywhipped!

    • Sue4466

      Lemme guess: Wait Wait Don't Tell Me?

  • nounverb911

    He is still a crook!

    • bflrtsplk

      And a stupid spineless one at that.

    • Callyson

      But, he looks terrifyingly sane compared to today's Republicans.
      My mom is looking down from heaven in horror as I type those words. Sorry Mom, but it's true…

  • We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’

    Say, Becca, didn't you tell us you have a glass eye?

    • bumfug

      No, it's wooden.

      • TheSheriffsNear

        Harelip! Harelip! (the customary response)

    • Rotundo_

      Nope, it's a T2000 prototype that "fell off the truck" from the DARPA labs down in White Sands. Thing has built in GPS mapping and a 75 watt chemical laser (one use only, between refills) that'll nut you and cauterize the remnants of your sack if you are foolhardy enough to get out of line.

      • poncho_pilot

        you make this sound like a bad thing.

  • chascates

    No wonder Pat started drinking.

    • bflrtsplk

      She was already drinking. Why do you think she went out with him in the first place?

  • nounverb911

    Talk about pandering to lower oil prices. Did Dick offer to give Pat to the Shah for cheap oil?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    An "irish gypsy"? Can't be described as "swarthy" with flaming red hair, face down in one's own puke.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Then he took a photo of his junk and said, "now trick this dick."

  • ChernobylSoup

    Marines: There. That right there is when you relieve yourself on someone.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I find this post impossible to masturbate to.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      See: Hasselback, Elizabitch

    • bumfug

      Nixon has always been human saltpeter.

    • Negropolis

      Just think of an Irish gypsy.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Why didn't he just text her?

  • bumfug

    I like you. Do you like me?

    [ ] Yes

    [ ] No

    • Nostrildamus

      Glad to see he dropped leaflets first.

    • northernbassist

      Trying to fold my computer screen into a playground fortune teller, but the damn thing just keeps sparking and dying.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ick. Ewww. Gross. That's like thinking about your parents getting it on.

    • Worse. It's like getting hit on by one of Gramma's roommates at Happy Acres.

      • Generation[redacted]

        "Look, just promise you won't tell grammie, okay?"

  • Buzz Feedback

    He's right about S-hittier. People from Hawaiian Gardens go there on vacation.

  • LesBontemps

    He was trying to get it down Pat.

    • Lucidamente1

      Punchline to a joke from 1972: Why did Nixon go see "Deep Throat" six times?

  • BloviateMe

    Say what you will, but he could motorboat tits like none other.

  • SorosBot

    Well it sounds better than "Can I trap you in a loveless, semi-abusive marriage, while I pursue a career in politics that you absolutely hate, and eventually promise to leave after my final humiliating defeat, only to break that promise and run for President again, and will turn completely sexless in our later years, while I spend my time off on vacation with my Cuban "friend" and you turn to pills to deal with how your life as been and I turn to alcohol, until finally I go down in scandal and our name becomes a synonym for everything that's wrong with America's political system".

    • TheSheriffsNear

      Ah, life's rich pageant where personal aspirations and fantasies are crushed by our self-destructive compulsions.

    • Veritas78

      But youth wants to know The Rest Of The Story: "…then my employees went on to create a party which would disavow all my policies as being too liberal but never disavow me because they respected my complete lack of any ethical sense whatsoever, and they really admired my misogyny. So you, Pat, you drunken, pill-popping bitch, you get to 'go down' in history (like you would never go down on me but I'm sure you would have gone down on that nazi Haldeman (oh he had a fine ass!) or that jew Kissinger, oh Pat I'm sure you wanted that fat circumcized thing of his, I saw you look longingly at all the jews with their big cocks, don't think I didn't see the lust in your eyes, like I wasn't good enough, no this honest quaker staff was never hard enough for you!) as the whore-wife of the most hated inadequate phony blowhard politician ever, you dirty cunt — you made me hit you again, didn't you, you slut! " (Slaps Pat, slams down another Canadian Club.)

      Might be fiction, but might not. Amarite?

    • Negropolis

      I learned more about the Nixons in that than I did during my entire schooling.

      Cuban "friend"? Do tell.

  • SayItWithWookies

    "If you show me your enemies list I'll show you mine."

  • SexySmurf

    Tricky Dick ended the letter by adding, "And the Jews run the banks."

    Actually, he ended all his letters that way.

  • Goonemeritus

    Unlike Nixon I mourn I the written love letter passing.

    • Guppy

      My typing speed lets me generate more smut-per-second with an email.

  • DaRooster

    Can't wait to read the love notes between him and that Carlos guy… should be even hotter than this!

  • RadioStalingrad

    And Bebe cried.

  • I thought the "Nixon Library" only existed in the movie Idiocracy.

    • commiegirl

      No, Chillate, I have been to the Nixon Library SEVERAL TIMES! Once I was there for some charity thing, and I had a temporary tattoo of Che I had just gotten visiting a friend in Mazatlan. So the people at the table look at my tattoo and say "Oh who is that?" and I say, thinking it has gotten blurry, "Oh, it's Che!"

      And they all look at me until one woman says thoughtfully, "You say that as if we should know who that is."

      • Srsly, what kind of a "Commie" gets a temporary Che tattoo? (Just kidding, of course). Speaking of our longstanding tradition of honoring assholes, I can't wait for the George W. Bush Library to be completed, can you? Barry's stimulus dollars at work…

  • bloodandirony

    "insult her to her face"
    Works for Mitt "heavyweight" Romney. Or maybe it didn't.

  • coolhandnuke

    It's not of Penthouse Letters quality, but it did give Spiro T. Agnew his first tingle down there in over a decade when Dick let him read it.

  • Nostrildamus

    Pat, I love you more than bombing Cambodia.

    • Pat: If you did anymore to turn my world to flowers and rainbows I'd have to get the National Guard to crack your skull.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Be My Lai

        • gullywompr

          Pat was just folowing orders.

  • pinkocommi

    Of course, after he sent Pat the note, Nixon hired thugs to surveil her, bug her apartment and tap her phones. Because that is the only way he knew how to communicate his love. America, he did everything for love.

  • RadioStalingrad

    He put the icky in Tricky Dicky.

  • AlterNewt

    "Somehow on Tuesday there was something electric in the usually almost stifling air in Whittier."

    Drones from the future!!

  • Nostrildamus

    Somehow, this seems like Dick's style of love song:

  • I am racist against Gypsies. Don't like them at all.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ah fookin' haight Pikeys!!

  • Nostrildamus

    NaFace Palm!

  • The sentiment really shines when the letters are read aloud by some fat historian guy.

  • That's about all I care to hear about Dick Nixon's "spirit" (semen).

  • JackDempsey1

    He and Kissinger were all about chasing a "piece with honor."

    • Here, you misspelled "on her"…

  • Generation[redacted]

    It's even funnier if you say it in your best Nixon impersonation voice. and then end with "Sock it to ME??!"

  • Baconzgood


  • Doktor Zoom

    the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her

    As coincidence would have it, I only learned about this particular substrate of the "PUA" cesspit the other day, in a discussion of this recent XKCD strip.

    Amazing to think that there's a group of people who make Richard Nixon seem like a paragon of straightforward honesty in human relationships.

    • MissTaken

      I actually dated a guy who thought Mystery and being a PUA was a good thing. He "neg'd" me by saying I should take up running because it would be easy for me to lose 30 lbs. 30 lbs that I don't need to lose, thank you very much. What a dick.

      Although, still not as big a dick as Tricky Dick.

      • SorosBot

        You certainly have managed to pick some winners lately. I'm sure you must wish you were still with this prince of a man.

        • MissTaken

          I've certainly kissed my share of frogs.

          • SorosBot

            Wait, are you calling me a frog?

          • MissTaken

            Yes, but you turned into a prince so it's okay!

          • SorosBot

            Aw, thanks sweetie.

  • Baconzgood

    R-R-R-RRRRRRichard Suuuuuuave!

  • LettucePrey

    Other historical presidential love letters include:

    "Ignore the comments from my family; you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. And if I'm lying, may God strike me with polio and make me president during a horrible Depression." – FDR to Eleanor

    "You're a frigid Kentucky jezebel. After the theater tonight, it's over. I need you like a hole in the head." – Abe Lincoln to Mary Todd

    • CthuNHu

      Too soon.

    • Negropolis

      "The money really was on the drawer, you dumb bitch."

      – Bill Clinton to (fill in the blank)

  • Steverino247

    I'm sure I wrote worse stuff to my girlfriend and we're still married, so…

    (Of course, I am not a crook, either.)

  • metamarcisf

    He's been dead for 18 years, but I'd still take him over any of the clowns running this year

  • FakaktaSouth

    Hell if I were a dead president there'd be a homemade booklet with blow job coupons in a "shit my wife gave me" shoebox on display, so ya know, could be worse I guess.

  • orygoon

    Yay! Today we all are not crooks!

  • MrFizzy

    I am not a poet.

  • Nixon was never known to be one who pulled out—whether it was with women or Vietnam. Oh, except for that resignation thingee. My bad!

    • Nixon, A One Sentence Biographical Sketch:

      Nixon is standing in front of a Marine helicopter, primed for take off.

      NIXON: I am not a quitter. (enters helicopter)


  • Antispandex

    Myth; Any invented story, idea, or concept

    Did Nixon ever have sex? Did he just drive Pat to another guys house to have him do her up? Did anyone really ever screw Pat?

    Republican myths are the most difficult to unravel.

  • fuflans

    i thought pat was queen elizabeth at first.

    weird times.

  • horsedreamer_1

    In his post-presidency, Nixon would go on to write for Earth Wind & Fire.

  • owhatever

    Is that scary devil-looking person standing beside him Count Dracula? No, on the other side; the one in black with all the medals.

    • doloras

      That's our good buddy the Shah of Iran.

  • Negropolis

    Only Nixon could go to Vagina.

  • ttommyunger

    Heh, heh. All those years Pat thought we was screaming "Oh baby, baby" when he came in her hair. Now we know it was "Bebe, Bebe".

    • ravenoustriffid

      Look up Woodrow Wilson and "Colonel" House. House had quarters in the White house. Want to start a rumor about Wilson next?

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