he hath spoken (through one of his spokespeople)

God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity

indeed

According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is “accursed.” Further, Romney is “against everything the USA was founded upon,” by which he means Jesus Christ, and this is why he must go, says Steven “God” Andrew. Perplexingly, Santorum decided this weekend that the economy is refreshingly not a big issue in this election, suddenly, because it is never a big issue for him, who is still somehow running in this election in the name of the burning rubber scent of a zillion diaphragms. Anyway, why Rick, or this particular Rick? “God” says he is “mature,” which is what happens to the dried milk of livestock when it sticks around this earth and is not eaten.

Here is S. Andrew, who disseminated his important message from God to the Christian News Wire from his stained glass mansion in San Jose:

Christians are called to unite the GOP with Rick Santorum. This is because the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians. Romney is against everything the USA was founded upon. God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21). God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

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Kay.

Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God? He sends prosperity for obedience and famine for sins (Deuteronomy 28, Nehemiah 9:32-38, Leviticus 26).

“Because I said so” – God. At least Andrew/Steven/Andrew cites his sources.

And now, Mormonism, explained:

Mormons have another Jesus, gospel and spirit. When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’. Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know.

Ha, what? No, not that Jesus Christ. A different one. You don’t know him.

2 Corinthians 11:4 warns, ‘For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted-you may well put up with it!’

EVIDENCE IS IN THE BIBLE OF WHY PEOPLE ARE “PUTTING UP WITH” MITT ROMNEY.

Here is a video from Steve Andy, who is like a human rubber ducky, in which he delivers “God’s State of the Union” (H/T fuflans, commenter).

Anyway, Rick Santorum accidentally told the god-fearing world this weekend in Missouri that the economy is not “the only issue in this race,” it is just a thing that he will conveniently fix while on his knees “praying.”

You know, the economy may be getting better and Republicans may lose their edge on that issue. Well, if that was the only issue in this race, that may or may not be the case, we don’t know.

And some more frothy spit bubbles of English from a master of the form, spoken at a different weekend event in Missouri:

‘Well what’s gonna be the most important, oh jobs, jobs, jobs.’ Well maybe not.

Well, oh. [Christian News Wire/Talking Points Memo]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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96 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians."

    Book, chapter and verse, please. I just can't believe that Romney is mentioned in the Bible.

    1. bureaucrap

      well, allegorically. he's either the triple breasted whore of babylon (Revelations), or Shalemepel, who went with Erimahim and Yetholeth to the land of Cush and there revelled with the Cushites and the Horians and their sheep.

    2. FlownOver

      It's in code. You have to start with the nineteenth letter, then skip a number of letters equal to his marginal income tax rate, then subtract the number of his grandfather's wives, then multiply by the number of his home states, plus the number of positions he's espoused on health coverage…

      (You wouldn't want just anybody to be able to read this Holy Dictum, would you?)

  2. DaRooster

    "…because the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians…"

    I have read the Bible (and not just the single lines that someone told me to read) and I cannot recall seeing "Mitt Romney" mentioned…

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’. "

    The one that does the yard?

    1. UnholyMoses

      I think he means the one who picks our lettuce.

      Or used to before the Cracker States of America made it illegal to have skin in a darker shade than this guy.

  4. Blueb4sunrise

    …and then Chuck Norris kicked Stephen Andrew in the nutz and shrieked, "I SAID IT'S NEWT! because gasoline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey Santorum? While your down there on your knees can you pray away my underwater mortgage?

  6. FNMA

    You mean there is a different "Jesus Christ" than the guy who plays third base in the Orioles' farm system?

  7. elviouslyqueer

    the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians.

    Apparently this was taken from the Apocryphal Book of Batshitta 19:10-11.

    1. ulTIMum

      In order to bring in the sheep, our local Baptists printed new versions of the hymnals, substituting Elvis for Jesus in every occurrence. Much more fun. And, besides, we'd all seen Elvis, some in person!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Now that Steven Andrew has chimed in, I'd like to know what Andrew Steven has to say.

  9. dadanarchist

    "Christians are called to unite the GOP with Rick Santorum. – Steven Andrew

    If you unite the GOoP with the Santorum, all you're left with is a big shitty mess.

  10. KeepFnThatChicken

    Well, if that was the only issue in this race, that may or may not be the case, we don’t know.

    This is the goddamn smartest, most even-keeled, centrist, level-headed, ideological thing Rick Santorum has said in his entire campaign.

  11. mrpuma2u

    This nimrod doesn't realize that wacky rantings like this make most independent voters recoil in fear. I am sure David Axelrod is getting some money to Mr. Andrew in some sneaky 3rd party way so he can write more of these fanatical ravings. Oh yeah, and this guy is totally crushing on Santorum.

  12. Wilcoxyz

    Yeah, I'm betting that even if we elect Santorum, God's gonna find some other shit he wants before he fixes the economy. God's kind of like some stuck up hot chick who never lets you forget you don't really have a chance with her.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    a man with two first names

    John-Roger
    Chris Christie
    Spencer Tracy
    Pete Rose

    Heathens or frauds, all of them. And I'm just gettin' started on the guys; there's plenty of women but other than Julie Christie they all sound like prostitutes.
    Oh, wait,

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God?

    Note to self – yet another reason not to be Xtian.

    So… God is a large multi-dimensional corporation? GODCO, Inc? Why, he's bigger than Mom in futurama!

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      …and His stocks are outperforming everyone else's. With Godco, you see consistent 10% returns, year after year. IslamiNc, on the other hand, barely outpaces inflation with their meager 2% returns. But they're strong in volume.

      Buddhism just doesn't see a big return on their investment — but they have strong brand loyalty. And so far, Mormonism seems to be enjoying that kind of PR lately — but the loose talk about one of their head honchos taking over as CEO of GODCO has some investors concerned about the hedge bets they've made.

      Maybe we should take a look at the performance split between Taoism and Shinto in the Asian markets… either will run circles around Atheism LLC, because no one believes that company will do anything.

    1. SorosBot

      The dude's lied to us too many times to trust him anyway. Look at how Jesus told his followers he'd be back soon, save them all from the Romans, and establish a paradise on Earth. Well, it's been two thousand years and he still hasn't returned, and the Roman Empire is long with no help from him.

      1. Negropolis

        It still makes sense if its on "God's time" and he's back to save us from those "other Romans." You know, Teh Church.

  15. IncenseDebate

    Is this the Steven Andrew I know or another Steven Andrew? Oh, who gives a rat's ass.

  16. fuflans

    Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14

    well then, god seems to be a pretty shitty economist.

  17. BloviateMe

    No matter how much you may want it, the deadbeat dad in the sky is NOT going to start paying child support. Go ahead, beg some more, see what happens.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh I've seen him. But he's a lot more attractive when he's performing under his drag name, "Trixie Thunderpussy."

    2. swordfis

      1. That's Stuart Smalley
      2. Yes, he seems to be.
      3. Did Al Franken have something to do with this? Cointel?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        That's the "I hope that my sweet 16-year-old youth minister Larson will agree to blow me in the vestry like he's done for the past eight Sundays" look. Most Baptist and Pentecostal ministers have this expression down pat. See also: Osteen, Joel.

  18. MissTaken

    Mormons have another Jesus, gospel and spirit. When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’

    I work with Jesus, he's pretty cool. Always come to the office with yummy enchiladas and tamales.

  19. Sassomatic

    It amazes the ever living shit out of me that grown men and women of supposedly functioning mental capacity actually believe in this kind of shit. Honestly. So God will lean down with his big magic God wand and make the economy all nice again, so long as we make his favorite little fanboy the President of the little club for selfish assholes we call America. Right.

  20. gullywompr

    I'm getting a message…. somebody who's name starts with J… Jim? John? Jesus? Jesus!! And Jesus says… you're worried about… something… You're worried about money… you're worried about somebody you know… you're worried about somebody you don't know…Somebody who's name starts with M…. Mark? Mary? Mitt?

  21. Callyson

    That photo almost made me laugh and spew my smoothie across the computer screen. When will I learn not to mix Wonkette and food?

  22. Guppy

    "Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know."

    Would that be John the Apostle, John the Revelator, or John the Catamite?

    That's the problem with the Bible: all the Judeans had like 6 names between them.

  23. Oblios_Cap

    When you hear voices in your head, society generally says you're crazy. But if you say it's Gawd you're hearing, you're cool.

    What a shitty double standard.

  24. kissawookiee

    God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21).

    Hmm. Exodus 18:21 appears to say "But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens." But we don't make Grovers any more! Does that mean global warming is actually real?

  25. SayItWithWookies

    God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

    How does the economy work? By pure magic, which is why all those non-theology-based economic systems have failed miserably. In fact, I wonder why there isn't a bigger push to have creationist economics taught in our colleges and universities. Then again, I also wonder why more Christians aren't publicly ashamed of their religion.

  26. Antispandex

    " God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21)."…
    "Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God? He sends prosperity for obedience and famine for sins (Deuteronomy 28, Nehemiah 9:32-38, Leviticus 26)."

    I am starting to see why these guys are always getting caught with hookers. They worship the the largest John in the universe…which makes them the whores ….not like I'm saying that's a BAD thing.

  27. alzronnie

    "The most powerful position is on your knees"

    Put that on the Romney/Santorum bumper stickers.

  28. Limeylizzie

    Is that on your knees for the oral pleasuring or on your knees with the buttocks elevated for the rear-entry?

  29. pinkocommi

    "God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins."

    I am so glad SOMEONE is counting the homosexual sins. Can I have that job next? Because I have never been to a White Party and they sound like fun.

  30. pinkocommi

    "God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins."

    Let me get this straight, God is causing the bad economy to punish us for the sins he already sent Jesus to be crucified for in order to forgive 2,000 years ago? AND the bad economy has nothing to do with bad economic policies of the Bush administration, including deregulation of the finance industry, holding interest rates too low for too long, trillions of dollars in war-related expenditures and tax cuts for the rich? And this person gets to vote as much as I do?

    The US is so fucked.

  31. WiscDad

    "Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know." Is his whole congregation made up of hookers?

  32. a_pink_poodle

    I looked up those passages and they're awfully vague when concerning what they're trying to justify.

    "And he said unto to the fisherman, "Go out and fish and you will receive all the fish you need." SEE JESUS TOLD WELFARE QUEENS TO GO GET A JOB AND STOP BEING LAZY GOOD-FOR-NOTHINGS!!!

  33. voodooeconomics

    The signs says" Most important position is on your knees"..there is a small detail left out..'…."begging for more"…..it is in the bible..look it up..Lord says, it is done.

  34. Abernathy

    another john than the john you know

    Sounds like a hooker talking to his alternate personality.

  35. owhatever

    It was a dark and stormy night (John 3:12) when a pirate ship (Romans 13:43) appeared on the horizon (Matthew Broderick, The Producers), and Kim Kardashian (35-24-36) went to her knees and gaveth unto Christian Rick Santorum his first real blow job (Big Revelation 1.1!!!) underneath the podium and the economy was thus repaired of derivative manipulation and problems with the Euro.

  36. Negropolis

    I'm having such a hard time snarking about this. We've been told year over year that theocratic Iran is the most dangerous nation on earth. But, the backdoor theocracy we have in this country scares me more than any dusky-hued Muslin theocracy could ever scare me.

    I am so tired of people reading thousands-year-old books, and trying to apply literally what is obviously outdated culture on a modern, technologically society.

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