God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity

by Liz Colville

indeed

According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is “accursed.” Further, Romney is “against everything the USA was founded upon,” by which he means Jesus Christ, and this is why he must go, says Steven “God” Andrew. Perplexingly, Santorum decided this weekend that the economy is refreshingly not a big issue in this election, suddenly, because it is never a big issue for him, who is still somehow running in this election in the name of the burning rubber scent of a zillion diaphragms. Anyway, why Rick, or this particular Rick? “God” says he is “mature,” which is what happens to the dried milk of livestock when it sticks around this earth and is not eaten.

Here is S. Andrew, who disseminated his important message from God to the Christian News Wire from his stained glass mansion in San Jose:

Christians are called to unite the GOP with Rick Santorum. This is because the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians. Romney is against everything the USA was founded upon. God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21). God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

Kay.

Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God? He sends prosperity for obedience and famine for sins (Deuteronomy 28, Nehemiah 9:32-38, Leviticus 26).

“Because I said so” – God. At least Andrew/Steven/Andrew cites his sources.

And now, Mormonism, explained:

Mormons have another Jesus, gospel and spirit. When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’. Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know.

Ha, what? No, not that Jesus Christ. A different one. You don’t know him.

2 Corinthians 11:4 warns, ‘For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted-you may well put up with it!’

EVIDENCE IS IN THE BIBLE OF WHY PEOPLE ARE “PUTTING UP WITH” MITT ROMNEY.

Here is a video from Steve Andy, who is like a human rubber ducky, in which he delivers “God’s State of the Union” (H/T fuflans, commenter).

Anyway, Rick Santorum accidentally told the god-fearing world this weekend in Missouri that the economy is not “the only issue in this race,” it is just a thing that he will conveniently fix while on his knees “praying.”

You know, the economy may be getting better and Republicans may lose their edge on that issue. Well, if that was the only issue in this race, that may or may not be the case, we don’t know.

And some more frothy spit bubbles of English from a master of the form, spoken at a different weekend event in Missouri:

‘Well what’s gonna be the most important, oh jobs, jobs, jobs.’ Well maybe not.

Well, oh. [Christian News Wire/Talking Points Memo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 96 comments }

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Did God go to Harvard B School too?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Snob.

chascates March 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

God would have gone to the Harvard 'A' School

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm

"Santorum Will Save Economy With His Christianity"
While using Jewish economists.

FNMA March 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Can't wait to see the bumper stickers: My boss is a Jewish economist!

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Except for when she's a Czarist Atheist.

– Alan Greenspan

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Chosen people. Plus, you need a good accountant.

Advn2rgirl March 12, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"We'll have Jews for the money stuff." – 3rd favorite West Wing quotation ever.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians."

Book, chapter and verse, please. I just can't believe that Romney is mentioned in the Bible.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

He is chosen!

bureaucrap March 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

well, allegorically. he's either the triple breasted whore of babylon (Revelations), or Shalemepel, who went with Erimahim and Yetholeth to the land of Cush and there revelled with the Cushites and the Horians and their sheep.

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

It's in code. You have to start with the nineteenth letter, then skip a number of letters equal to his marginal income tax rate, then subtract the number of his grandfather's wives, then multiply by the number of his home states, plus the number of positions he's espoused on health coverage…

(You wouldn't want just anybody to be able to read this Holy Dictum, would you?)

ulTIMum March 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

They used approximations in prophecy back then. "When in Rome, neigh like a horse's keester!" - Corinthians 22:3

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

God also told Mickey Mouse Bachmann AND Rick Perry to run, so I'm thinking God has it in for the GOP…

FNMA March 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

God just has a weird sense of humor.

Advn2rgirl March 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Can you blame Him?

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

"…because the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians…"

I have read the Bible (and not just the single lines that someone told me to read) and I cannot recall seeing "Mitt Romney" mentioned…

anniegetyerfun March 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

It's in one of the lesser known gospels: The Gospel of Fucktardis.

Isyaignert March 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Perhaps it's under his real name – Willard.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’. "

The one that does the yard?

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Jesus Montero?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

No, Jesus H. Christ. The guy everyone talks about.

UnholyMoses March 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I think he means the one who picks our lettuce.

Or used to before the Cracker States of America made it illegal to have skin in a darker shade than this guy.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm
memzilla March 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Mormon Jeebus is also a Mexican!

Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

…and then Chuck Norris kicked Stephen Andrew in the nutz and shrieked, "I SAID IT'S NEWT! because gasoline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EatsBabyDingos March 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"And the muck shall inherit the Earth."

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Hey Santorum? While your down there on your knees can you pray away my underwater mortgage?

FNMA March 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You mean there is a different "Jesus Christ" than the guy who plays third base in the Orioles' farm system?

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

the Bible says that Mitt Romney opposes Jesus Christ and Christians.

Apparently this was taken from the Apocryphal Book of Batshitta 19:10-11.

ThankYouJeebus March 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Too confusing. Can't I just sing Jeebus Loves Me, This I Know?

ulTIMum March 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

In order to bring in the sheep, our local Baptists printed new versions of the hymnals, substituting Elvis for Jesus in every occurrence. Much more fun. And, besides, we'd all seen Elvis, some in person!

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Liz?

I read your alt-text.

I…I…I think I love you. Can I have your babby?

gullywompr March 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Jesus is one of those Jews that the Mormons converted post-mortem.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 1:13 am

WIN

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Now that Steven Andrew has chimed in, I'd like to know what Andrew Steven has to say.

dadanarchist March 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"Christians are called to unite the GOP with Rick Santorum. – Steven Andrew

If you unite the GOoP with the Santorum, all you're left with is a big shitty mess.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Well, if that was the only issue in this race, that may or may not be the case, we don’t know.

This is the goddamn smartest, most even-keeled, centrist, level-headed, ideological thing Rick Santorum has said in his entire campaign.

anniegetyerfun March 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

If you threw in a few extraneous prepositions, it would almost sound like Palin.

mrpuma2u March 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

This nimrod doesn't realize that wacky rantings like this make most independent voters recoil in fear. I am sure David Axelrod is getting some money to Mr. Andrew in some sneaky 3rd party way so he can write more of these fanatical ravings. Oh yeah, and this guy is totally crushing on Santorum.

Wilcoxyz March 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Yeah, I'm betting that even if we elect Santorum, God's gonna find some other shit he wants before he fixes the economy. God's kind of like some stuck up hot chick who never lets you forget you don't really have a chance with her.

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

a man with two first names

John-Roger
Chris Christie
Spencer Tracy
Pete Rose

Heathens or frauds, all of them. And I'm just gettin' started on the guys; there's plenty of women but other than Julie Christie they all sound like prostitutes.
Oh, wait,

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God?

Note to self – yet another reason not to be Xtian.

So… God is a large multi-dimensional corporation? GODCO, Inc? Why, he's bigger than Mom in futurama!

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

…and His stocks are outperforming everyone else's. With Godco, you see consistent 10% returns, year after year. IslamiNc, on the other hand, barely outpaces inflation with their meager 2% returns. But they're strong in volume.

Buddhism just doesn't see a big return on their investment — but they have strong brand loyalty. And so far, Mormonism seems to be enjoying that kind of PR lately — but the loose talk about one of their head honchos taking over as CEO of GODCO has some investors concerned about the hedge bets they've made.

Maybe we should take a look at the performance split between Taoism and Shinto in the Asian markets… either will run circles around Atheism LLC, because no one believes that company will do anything.

ManchuCandidate March 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

It's Supplication Side Economics

anniegetyerfun March 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Do you believe God?

I honestly don't see any reason to.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The dude's lied to us too many times to trust him anyway. Look at how Jesus told his followers he'd be back soon, save them all from the Romans, and establish a paradise on Earth. Well, it's been two thousand years and he still hasn't returned, and the Roman Empire is long with no help from him.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 1:15 am

It still makes sense if its on "God's time" and he's back to save us from those "other Romans." You know, Teh Church.

IncenseDebate March 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Is this the Steven Andrew I know or another Steven Andrew? Oh, who gives a rat's ass.

Gratuitous World March 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

needz more old testament references

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

God just told me this guy is an idiot.

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14

well then, god seems to be a pretty shitty economist.

savethispatient March 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Not at all; he's shorting humanity. He's going to make bank.

BloviateMe March 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

No matter how much you may want it, the deadbeat dad in the sky is NOT going to start paying child support. Go ahead, beg some more, see what happens.

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm

wow. this guy is a little, ummm, well, just watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOv_qelQ-eM

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Oh I've seen him. But he's a lot more attractive when he's performing under his drag name, "Trixie Thunderpussy."

swordfis March 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

1. That's Stuart Smalley
2. Yes, he seems to be.
3. Did Al Franken have something to do with this? Cointel?

DemmeFatale March 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I'll bet he knows Marcus Bachmann.

HistoriCat March 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

What is with these douchebags and the scrunched-up eyes? They all do it.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

That's the "I hope that my sweet 16-year-old youth minister Larson will agree to blow me in the vestry like he's done for the past eight Sundays" look. Most Baptist and Pentecostal ministers have this expression down pat. See also: Osteen, Joel.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Big Bucks Jesus Joel always sets off my 'dar,

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Sister Steven has spoken!

MissTaken March 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Mormons have another Jesus, gospel and spirit. When Romney talks about Jesus, Romney isn’t talking about Jesus Christ, the Son of God, but ‘another Jesus’

I work with Jesus, he's pretty cool. Always come to the office with yummy enchiladas and tamales.

Sassomatic March 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It amazes the ever living shit out of me that grown men and women of supposedly functioning mental capacity actually believe in this kind of shit. Honestly. So God will lean down with his big magic God wand and make the economy all nice again, so long as we make his favorite little fanboy the President of the little club for selfish assholes we call America. Right.

gullywompr March 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I'm getting a message…. somebody who's name starts with J… Jim? John? Jesus? Jesus!! And Jesus says… you're worried about… something… You're worried about money… you're worried about somebody you know… you're worried about somebody you don't know…Somebody who's name starts with M…. Mark? Mary? Mitt?

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

That photo almost made me laugh and spew my smoothie across the computer screen. When will I learn not to mix Wonkette and food?

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

"Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know."

Would that be John the Apostle, John the Revelator, or John the Catamite?

That's the problem with the Bible: all the Judeans had like 6 names between them.

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

When you hear voices in your head, society generally says you're crazy. But if you say it's Gawd you're hearing, you're cool.

What a shitty double standard.

kissawookiee March 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm

God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21).

Hmm. Exodus 18:21 appears to say "But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens." But we don't make Grovers any more! Does that mean global warming is actually real?

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins.

How does the economy work? By pure magic, which is why all those non-theology-based economic systems have failed miserably. In fact, I wonder why there isn't a bigger push to have creationist economics taught in our colleges and universities. Then again, I also wonder why more Christians aren't publicly ashamed of their religion.

Antispandex March 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

" God promises to fix the economy if we vote for mature Christians (Exodus 18:21)."…
"Christians understand God controls the economy because He says so in 2 Chronicles 7:13-14. Do you believe God? He sends prosperity for obedience and famine for sins (Deuteronomy 28, Nehemiah 9:32-38, Leviticus 26)."

I am starting to see why these guys are always getting caught with hookers. They worship the the largest John in the universe…which makes them the whores ….not like I'm saying that's a BAD thing.

proudgrampa March 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

The religious fundamentalism has got to GO.

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I love it when kids get into fights over whose imaginary friend is toughest.

metamarcisf March 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"if Romney was a Christian he'd vote for Santorum"

alzronnie March 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"The most powerful position is on your knees"

Put that on the Romney/Santorum bumper stickers.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I'm glad Reverend Steve knows all his johns.

Limeylizzie March 12, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Is that on your knees for the oral pleasuring or on your knees with the buttocks elevated for the rear-entry?

HistoriCat March 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

All in good time my dear, all in good time …

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 1:20 am

Yes.

johnnyzhivago March 12, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Now I'm confused – does Obama control gas prices, or does that come under God?

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins."

I am so glad SOMEONE is counting the homosexual sins. Can I have that job next? Because I have never been to a White Party and they sound like fun.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I'm just wondering if he included my homosexual sins in that number.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I yearn for you tragically.

chascates March 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

What happens if we vote for an 'immature' Christian instead? Huh, Mr. Space Giant?

pinkocommi March 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

"God says that the economy declined for taking God out of government, 53-plus million abortions and homosexual sins."

Let me get this straight, God is causing the bad economy to punish us for the sins he already sent Jesus to be crucified for in order to forgive 2,000 years ago? AND the bad economy has nothing to do with bad economic policies of the Bush administration, including deregulation of the finance industry, holding interest rates too low for too long, trillions of dollars in war-related expenditures and tax cuts for the rich? And this person gets to vote as much as I do?

The US is so fucked.

WiscDad March 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Get behind Ricky and watch the santorum surge

WiscDad March 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

"Just like when someone knows ‘another John’ than the John you know." Is his whole congregation made up of hookers?

Tommy1733 March 12, 2012 at 5:00 pm

"Christ-inanity" – snikker

a_pink_poodle March 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I looked up those passages and they're awfully vague when concerning what they're trying to justify.

"And he said unto to the fisherman, "Go out and fish and you will receive all the fish you need." SEE JESUS TOLD WELFARE QUEENS TO GO GET A JOB AND STOP BEING LAZY GOOD-FOR-NOTHINGS!!!

voodooeconomics March 12, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The signs says" Most important position is on your knees"..there is a small detail left out..'…."begging for more"…..it is in the bible..look it up..Lord says, it is done.

Abernathy March 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

another john than the john you know

Sounds like a hooker talking to his alternate personality.

TheMeatmaker March 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

We never should have taken god out of our homosexual sins.

owhatever March 12, 2012 at 10:11 pm

It was a dark and stormy night (John 3:12) when a pirate ship (Romans 13:43) appeared on the horizon (Matthew Broderick, The Producers), and Kim Kardashian (35-24-36) went to her knees and gaveth unto Christian Rick Santorum his first real blow job (Big Revelation 1.1!!!) underneath the podium and the economy was thus repaired of derivative manipulation and problems with the Euro.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 1:22 am

ROTFLMAO!

The numbers were the best part of this.

Negropolis March 13, 2012 at 1:17 am

I'm having such a hard time snarking about this. We've been told year over year that theocratic Iran is the most dangerous nation on earth. But, the backdoor theocracy we have in this country scares me more than any dusky-hued Muslin theocracy could ever scare me.

I am so tired of people reading thousands-year-old books, and trying to apply literally what is obviously outdated culture on a modern, technologically society.

ttommyunger March 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Just looking that dickish is enough to keep me from clicking 'play'.

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