We don't need no education.

“Evolution is hogwash” will be the winner of Tuesday’s Mississippi Republican primary, followed by “Barack Obama is so a secret Muslim” according to this exciting new PPP survey. Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum will all run a pathetic third through fifth place with only around 30% of the voters’ nods each. But try to feel a little understanding for these voters, really now. When was the last time anyone spotted even a tiny shred of evolution lurking anywhere in Mississippi?

No, nevermind. No sympathy. They are monstrous idiots.

And you, Alabama?

Mississippi is still better, at being vile bigots! This must be their prize, from Jesus, for that time the state won the “Most Google Searches of ‘Free Gay Porn’ Contest” last year. [PPP; thanks to Wonkette operative “Thomas H.”]

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  • edgydrifter

    Herp / Derp 2012!!!

    • dadanarchist

      Durrrrrrr/Durrrrrr 2013!

      • chicken_thief

        Not Sure/Not Sure 2012

  • And this is where your federal tax money is going, blue state residents.

    No Bile Left Behind.

    • comrad_darkness

      I think we really should help them learn self-sufficiency by refusing them any more funds than they put in.

  • Mississippi are the winners?

    • Isyaignert

      They're always first in the worst of the worst lists, except for an occasional takeover by Alabama.

      • notgross

        State motto of most of the South: "Thank God for Mississippi."

    • Negropolis

      Yes, their win is Sheenian in its size.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Did you fuck your sister?
    Not Sure………………..12%

    • prommie

      Did you fuck your sow?

      Yes . . . . . . . . .66%

      Did you fuck your boar?

      Yes . . . . . . . . . 64%

      So you see, there is a small percentage of strictly heterosexual pigfuckers, but the vast majority of pigfuckers clearly don't care what they are fucking.

      • Ducksworthy

        Long as they have lipstick.

      • Warwhatgoodfor

        Fairy tale for the times –

        So these two British soldiers in India during the time of the Raj are sitting on the porch of their hotel:

        First soldier: did you hear about old George?
        Second soldier: no, what about old Goerge?
        First soldier: he ran off with a gorilla.
        Second soldier: that's terrible. Male or female gorilla?
        First soldier: Female, of course. Nothing qu**r about old George

        Can I have an "Amen" for the straight guy?

    • dadanarchist

      54% of Mississippians and 67% of Alabamans stated that they think Interracial Marriage should be legal.

      Perhaps they misunderstood the question and thought interracial meant intrafamilial or interspecies.

    • WiscDad

      The 12% Not Sure thought they were fucking their mom…but it might have been their sister…neither of them have teeth so it's hard to tell

  • BornInATrailer

    Haha, "Not Sure"… Idiocracy strikes again.

  • This is all Lincoln's fault, should have let them have their own damn country.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Holy. Fucking. Shit.

  • prommie

    This is why we can't have history on the history channel, or learning on the learning channel, or any other nice things, for that matter.

  • *feels noggin*

    Seems like that "Rocky Top" tune got misapplied amongst the southern states.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Wait, wait, wait…. everyone, don't get all in a tizzy about these things. Yes, it's ugly when you realize that 60% of respondents don't believe in evolution. But remember that 58% respondents like to yell "ROLL TIDE!" There has to be a correlation, somewhere… and one I can live with.

    • Negropolis

      I can tolerate racists; I can not tolerate Alabama college football fans.

  • ablington

    Man, I totally need to sell these people some numismatic gold coins.

    • chicken_thief

      I think Glenn Beck is way ahead of you on that one.

    • larrykat

      Make sure they get the extry-special "gold-filled" Ameros.

    • GregComlish

      Is that some sort of Dungeons and Dragons reference?

  • Studebaker Hawk

    Cotton is king; muslin is President.

  • Local_Mojo

    Hey now! I'm from Mississippi — and I evolved to live in Alabama.

    Okay, so maybe I devolved.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I'm in Tennessee (western, thank FSM), and all I can say is "Whew!"

  • ElPinche

    Ok, I'm snarkless…..there's nothing else to say. Wow.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    Duh! 260,000 Rebel Christians died trying to uphold a man's God given right to own another! But they killed 360,000 Blue Coats who didn't think that way. Talk about the Right deceiving the masses to be minions of the 1% ers. Fuckin' Dickheads.

  • If we ever get to going to war with Iran, can we just fling Alabama and Mississippi at them? That's weapons-grade stoopid right there, I tell you what.

  • DaveJ

    In the vernacular of the modern GOP, of course, "not sure" = "I believe the person asking me this question to be a secret FEMA rep who is planning to use my answer in my upcoming trial before the World Government/Trilateral Commission, thus I refuse to answer to protect the Constitution, also."

  • SorosBot

    Way to smash those stereotypes that Southerners are all a bunch of inbred, ignorant dumb-ass bigoted rednecks there.

    • prommie

      At least the ones with phones, apparently.

      • SorosBot

        With phones, who actually answer calls from Unknown or toll free numbers.

        • "But it's a free call, mother!"

        • prommie

          Remember, polls have a well-known liberal bias, or so the righties are constantly whining.

        • Veritas78

          And too stupid to sense that somehow these questions might be used to portray them as stupid. Best kind of survey participant!

    • LesBontemps

      What do you mean, "stereotype"?

    • Negropolis

      You know the scary thing? I'd not expect the numbers for Southern Democrats to be much different.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Your move, evolution.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Best use of 'your move' ever.

  • e_z

    Yup and they don't believe in that Heliocentric solar system either.

    • Them damned Helios kilt Our Lord Jesus Christ.

      • YasserArraFeck

        That Fuckin' Heliosekshul agenda!!!

  • I have a collection of special edition Liberian mint issues featuring not-dead Americans on them, if you'll accept consignment.

    • Veritas78

      Hey, so do I! What a coincidence.

  • dadanarchist

    I just moved to the South and the denizens of my state all shit-talk Mississippi and Alabama too. You know you're backwards when other Southerners are making fun of you.

    • Congratulations on moving to one of the "elite" southern states.

    • Negropolis

      Truth is that you stretch a lin from South Carolina clear to Arkansas and you have quite a few states competing for the "50th State" title.

    • Leopold Stotch

      Similar story sums up nicely:
      I drove west across the US once and on my way had to stop in some backwater shithole in Mississippi for gas.
      Gas station geezer: You ain't from around here. Whereya headed?
      Gas station geezer:<makes disgusted 'high fallutin face>' Oh… well..BIG CITY FOLKS.

  • coolhandnuke

    Do you believe in evolution, or not?

    66% of the nots believe in knots with a noose and a tree of the right height.

  • Sassomatic

    In their defense, 60% of them actually stand as evidence -against- evolution.

  • freakishlywrong

    The fat, and the ignorance, are strong. These are Americans. In 2012.

  • dadanarchist

    I wonder what would happen to the Alabama poll numbers if you removed the city of Huntsville (aka "Rocket City")… I bet you'd be closing in on 90% stupid.

  • comrad_darkness

    They really missed out on the chance for some questions that truly delve into this.

    Do you believe in alien abduction?
    Does the government implant chips in your relatives?
    Have you ever been told by a doctor that your meds are for your own good?

    • Leopold Stotch

      Is flouride a communist plot?
      Are you the heir to the late prime minister of Nigeria's vast fortune?

  • Callyson

    The God I believe in is looking down and saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I can't believe these people…"

    • And Jesus saying, "You killed me for their sins? Dad, for the billionth time, FUCK YOU!"

  • Blueb4sunrise

    They tried this in AZ., but 67% of those they attempted to poll haven't yet figured out how to operate their telephones.

  • Come here a minute

    These elitist polls leave out a large swath of Mississippi and Alabama voters — those who do not know how to answer a telephone.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      It's really easy to get the talking end and the hearing end mixed up.

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • YasserArraFeck

      That's right – this poll covered the comparatively technologically advanced MS/AL pig fuckers. Can you imagine what the results would have been like if they'd gone out and asked the questions in person (speaking slowly and using small words, of course)?
      "Do you believe in Evolution, or Not?"
      "Git yor goddam' lib'rul doubletalk off'n mah land 'fore Ah kill yor ass!!"
      "Er, that would be No, then?"
      "Ma, Ah killed me a city boy. Can Ah fuck'im while he's still warm?"

    • Negropolis

      That's not even the half of it. Only them damned, big-city fancy elitists have telephones to begin with. This takes into account neither the backwoods vote, nor the hillbilly vote.

  • Not_So_Much

    This is good news for the Grand Exalted Wizard Dragon's upcoming membership drive.

  • Well, I heard Mr. Young sing about her
    Well, I heard ol' Neil put her down
    Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
    A Miss/bamaian don't read much anyhow

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    And I continue to blame Lincoln for this mess. The Mason-Dixon Line should be militarized!

    • GorzoTheMighty

      Build the damn fence!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    That's it, I am leaving this universe. It officially sucks.

    • SorosBot

      Be careful, some of those people who go around offering to sell you an Einstein-Rosen bridge aren't exactly trustworthy.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Dammit, Soros, I just paid the dude by pay-pal. He was somewhere in Nevada.

      • HistoriCat

        Sliders libel!

  • anniegetyerfun

    I'm actually impressed that the majority of the people polled believe in the legality of miscegenation! I think that might actually be up from a couple of years ago.

    ETA: As a practioner myself, I'd almost rather they all disapproved.

  • If Barry really wants to be the president of all Americans he could take a voluntary IQ reduction (to about 140, let's say) as a nod to this lot of goobers.

  • fuflans

    to be fair, 'most google searches for free gay porn' doesn't leave much time for book larnin.

  • Yeah, but Southern Rock Opera was a great record.

    • GorzoTheMighty

      The dirty south.

  • DaRooster

    "Do you believe in rocks?"
    YES 66%
    "Will you crawl back under one?"
    YES 120%

  • comrad_darkness

    What's really sad is 36% not sure on the first question is actually kinda promising.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Do you think that interracial marriage should be legal or illegal?


    Legal 54%
    Illegal 29%
    Not sure 17%


    Legal 67%
    Illegal 21%
    Not sure 12%

    Alabama's full of socialists!

    • Well, they do put socialist radical feminists on their money down there…

    • dadanarchist

      Clearly they don't know what "interracial" means.

      • LesBontemps

        Sure they do — that's mixing between NASCAR and top fuel dragsters.

    • finallyhappy

      And when someone at the museum heard me tell another visitor that while interracial marriage was made legal in 1967 by the Supreme Court, Alabama still had it as illegal on its state books until 2000- this second visitor told me that I do not understand the South. He didn't try to explain why I didn't understand the South or why stating the fact I did meant I didn't understand the South. Pretty sure I do understand the South and if we still had the exhibit, I would bring the article that this came from and show it to the next racist apologist.

  • Goonemeritus

    This is exactly why I try never to travel any farther south than General Lee got north.

    • prommie

      I don't go further south than Pickett got north.

  • meatlofer

    100% first replied,"Evolution? You mean like a tire goin round?"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This post is crying out for the R-word.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      The one that, by another definition, could mean "slow"?

    • chicken_thief


    • finallyhappy


  • BaldarTFlagass

    I spent the ninth grade in Biloxi, Mississippi, back in the mid-70s. Court-enforced integration resulted in all the white kids from the Air Force Base being bused down to the poor black folks school. Strangely enough, I had the most useful course of my entire high school career there at old Nichols Junior High School, the class that still affects me daily and helped me become the successful government drone that I am today.

  • DaRooster

    "Have you ever formed your own opinion?"

    "Uh… I used to wear opinions on my belt… do that count?"

  • UnholyMoses

    Look at the bright side, folks! There … uh … okay. There isn't one.


  • Tundra Grifter

    What were the numbers on the people who didn't know (r)Money was a Mormon?

    Meanwhile, "Pole Shocker" just doesn't sound very comfortable.

  • Guppy

    Only 66% disbelieve evolution? Obviously all those education cuts haven't gone too far enough!

  • A snapshot from the Land of Wallace. Hang it on the fridge, where everyone can see it.

  • elviouslyqueer

    When was the last time anyone spotted even a tiny shred of evolution lurking anywhere in Mississippi?

    *raises hand meekly*

    Um, there's one or two of us, Katie.

  • bureaucrap

    Videos of Noah and his dinosaurs or GTFO.

  • MissTaken

    And yet I'm sure if we asked if they could name all of the American Idol finalists it would be:

    You Betcha! 187%

    • SorosBot

      Luckily more of them will vote for the American Idol winner than for President.

    • larrykat

      More like – "we can't think 'bout false iduls – itz one uh tha 10 remandmentz or sumthin'.

    • Negropolis

      Bo Bice Fohevah!

  • This is Jeff Foxworthy's target audience, by the way.

    • chicken_thief

      And Rush's.

    • Isyaignert

      As well as the GOP's; they need 'em nice and stoooooopid.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Darwin wept.

  • I can't find it anymore, but I remember a national poll a couple years ago about belief in evolution. Basically, everyone says either God made us or God guided our evolution. Almost no one believed in straight up evolution. When I look at Newt, I wonder how did his ancestors avoid drowning in the gene pool.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Remember also that these results come from states where Wal-Mart is considered "upscale shopping," chitlins are haute cuisine, and having anything higher than a third-grade education is considered "being uppity."

  • Troglodeity

    Look on the bright side. If Obama gets 42% of the Mississippi vote in November, that means 30% of Mississippi voters will have voted for him even though they think he's a Muslim or aren't sure. How incredibly sophisticated and tolerant!

    • Troglodeity

      Whoops, never mind. I just realized it was a survey of solely Republican voters. Substitute "unsophisticated" and "bigoted."

  • metamarcisf

    Anyone else see Alexandra Pelosi's film clip on Mississippi, shown on Friday night's "Real Time"? Frightening.

  • The results are badly skewed since they couldn't include the households that have dial telephones (20%) or just shout out the window when they want to talk with someone (10%).

  • UnholyMoses

    Listen, these results really shouldn't surprise anyone.

    These people are who the GOP has been cultivating for years, whether though the Southern Strategy, social issues, decimating education funding, etc.

    They want a bunch of people who are:

    1. Willfully ignorant—They do this by framing education as "elitist" and a threat to Real 'Mericans!

    2. Compliant—Whatever their Megachurch leader says, they'll do … for Jesus!

    3. Unquestioning of authority to those in power—Unless those in authority or black, then they have no authority

    4. Divided—Whether along racial lines, education level, sexuality, whatever. It's all tribal for them, and anyone not of their tribe must be destroyed;

    5. Fearful of government—But only when Dems are in power, of course. When the GOP runs things, any questioning of the government is treasonous.

    Again, this isn't some sort of accident. It's not just random chance that nearly every advancement of the past 100 years has passed by large swaths of the country.

    It is a purposeful, 40+ year, committed effort to create a permanent underclass that votes against its own interests. And it does it by the above, with racism and bigotry thrown in for good measure, and with the backing of inappropriately named think tanks, hate radio, and an entire cable network.

    And the failure of these people to see past their own spite and fear of The Other has been a great success for the GOP.

    Thankfully for our nation, demographics are trending away from the GOP and this shit won't last but for another decade or two, at which time the GOP will either be forced to change damn near everything they are and have done, or go the way of the Whigs.

    Personally, I'm hoping for #2 …

    • Isyaignert

      Moses, I could not agree with you more!

  • owhatever

    I will work these poll numbers into my home-school classes today to help show my five children that almost all Americans now know that President Obama is a black liberation theology terrorist who wants to take our guns and give them to the homersexxers. Then we will listen to three hours of Rush Limbaugh. God bless America.

  • Nostrildamus

    Take a bow, Fox News!

  • UnholyMoses

    One other thing (because three comments in one post is my limit!).

    The most pathetic about that poll: not only do most of those yokels think Obama is a Muslim, they think it actually fucking matters.

    So what if Obama was a Muslim.

    Again: SO. FUCKING. WHAT?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      You're not very good at this whole hating other people because they're different thing, are you?

      • UnholyMoses

        I hate conservatives, and they're different. As in "from a different reality."

        But otherwise, yeah … I need to work on my hatin' skills.

    • finallyhappy

      Because we(my people) know he is a Jew- so don't take that way from us. He is the first president to have a seder in the White House- so take it from me- he is OURS!!

  • The_Trainman

    When President Obama made the controversial comment "lipstick on a pig" what was he referring to?

    1. A general concept ………. 1%
    2. Sarah Palin ………. 4%
    3. Your spouse ………. 26%
    4. Critters ………. 69%

  • Limeylizzie

    OT My pretend bf , if I were a gay man, Jonathan Capehart, just came out with this zinger on Martin Bashir's show, they were talking about Mitt's pandering with all the grits talk and 'this was the second time I ever ate catfish" and Jonathan said "It sounds as if Mitt is "on Safari" in his own country".

    • Loaded_Pants


  • GeorgiaBurning

    Interesting that the 14% Obama-is-Christian number matches the not-sure's in Alabama vs Auburn. Obviously immigrants.

  • proudgrampa

    Not Sure = "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that my answer may tend to indicate that I am a total fucking idiot."

  • smitallica

    And the saddest part is, they're making babies faster than we libs can force them to abort them.

  • Antispandex

    So we are supposed to get all hot and / or wet about democracy (at least ever four years, or so), but these people are allowed to vote? OK, but can we kick Mississippi out and play without them?

  • Eve8Apples

    Q25 Is your mother also your sister and your cousin?

    Not sure………………………….14%

    Q 26 Have you ever screwed a goat?

    Not sure………………………….18%

  • pinkocommi

    Those poll results are fair enough because I am not 100% sure the voters of Alabama and Mississippi are sentient beings.

  • MRjonz

    New Jeff Foxworthy material; “You may be a redneck if you think telling pollsters the President is a “moose-lum” is the funniest thing since the hogs ate baby sister.”

    Beauregard: (put’s hand over receiver,) “Cletus, they done ast me if’n ah thanks the Pres’dent is one o’ them thar moose-lums.”

    Cletus: “B’wah, y’all jes’ tell ‘em `yas.’ It gits 'em all riled up.” (Both double over with laughter.)

  • Q24. Do you think interracial marriage should be legal or illegal? (ie..Chinks marrying Beaners. Guineas marrying Japs.)

  • Schmegeg

    Hey people of MS and AL – is Obama a Socialist too? This just in, 100% of your great grandfathers, those Confederates, were traitors.

  • Shellwith2Ls

    I'm so glad that my grandfather got the hell out of Alabama. What a fucking disgrace, we should have let them seceed.

  • HelmutNewton

    So these people are dumber than a bag full of hammers AND they believe in implausible conspiracy theories?

    As I've said before, the solution is simple: Just convince them that "voting" is a librul/gay/Muslin/atheist scheme to take away their freedom. Problem solved!

  • Negropolis

    I can deal with racists; I can't, however, deal with the "Not Sures".

    Not Sure: For the discerning lady/gentleman racist.

    Not Sure: Because blatant, in-your-face racism is just so gauche.

    Not Sure: Racism is so much classier on a Savannah veranda sipping sweet tea.

  • Negropolis

    Et tu, Alabama?

    Nah, just kidding. lol

    I am so going to go down South selling magic beans. I'd make a killing.

  • aklibtard

    That 54% that don't think interracial marriage is misleading. They don't think there should be any laws about anything but if some negro tried marrying their daughter, it'd still be a lynchin' time.

  • ttommyunger

    Most common household complaint in the South: "Daddy, get off, you're crushing my cigarettes."

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