Noted Economist Chuck Norris Explains Obama’s ‘Schemes’ To Double Gas Prices

Very loud rage.
LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things!

President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And he’s well on his way by more than doubling prices at the pump since entering office in January 2009, when gasoline was only $1.79 per gallon. Here’s how he schemes to double prices again in his second term, with you footing the bill.

It is interesting that GOP stalwarts like Norris seem to think it is the president who controls oil prices, and do not seem to think that, say, the oil companies have anything to do with them, isn’t it? But you know, lalalawhatever.

How else has the government been plotting and conspiring and cabaling to make you bend over and take it? By acknowledging reality, that’s how! Here is Chuck Norris on Secretary of Energy Steven Chu nefariously explaining uncontroversial (?) facts in 2011. Chuck Norris will karate-chop your “facts,” Steven Chu!

In February 2011, Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace, host of Fox News Sunday, when he said, “The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.”

It is nice to know that Chuck Norris is not one of those lazy pundits who do not keep up with the news. Nope, Chuck had all his browsers open last week, catching both the hysterical talking point about Chu not owning a car!!!1!1 and the Daily Caller’s total undermining of Steven Chu’s not owning a car, and combining them for one great big pile of Real American Primal Scream:

Speaking of misleading, this past week Energy Secretary Chu was at it again as he testified before the House Subcommittee on Energy and Power. Dodging its question about whether he practiced what he preached by owning a Chevy Volt electric car, Chu replied sheepishly, “No, I don’t own a car at the moment.” (Before you commend him for his bio-walking, it should be noted that he’s chauffeured in U.S. government Cadillac Escalades, which of course run off of fossil fuel like his wife’s BMW.)

Sums up Chuck Norris: “If you are ready for real change, if you want to stabilize our economy, increase jobs, lower gas prices and restore our republic simultaneously, then shout it out to Washington and the nation: ‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

Sure, Chuck Norris. Will do.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I think he had a teevee show before then. Ask your granddad. And before that, kicked some young Chinese guy in the head.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Some karate cowboy that everyone thinks is a badass for some reason. Made an annoying World of Warcraft commercial recently.

  1. Oblios_Cap

    Gas was $1.79 a gallon when O'Bama took office? Really?

    God, I wish we would become more like the Europeans instead of trying to regress back to the Neanderthals.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      We could have that again if Obama would just let Republicans deregulate us back into another bad recession.

      1. SoBeach

        I remember. But back in those days the president didn't personally control the price of gas, so what's your point?

      2. JustPixelz

        Yep! Gas prices peaked at the highest level in history in July 2008 while oilman Bush and oilman Cheney "who know how to talk to the Saudis" were running things. So either a) they were full of shit; b) they wanted high prices to reward their oil buddies; c) the president doesn't control oil prices.

        Anyway, prices dropped like a stone as demand fell due to the economic collapse — aka the Republican Economic Plan. They bottomed out pretty much the day Obama took office, creating this quasi-artificial datapoint for the haters.

      3. MozakiBlocks

        In wingnut world, Bush the lesser was never President. We went straight from Bill to Barry. During the intervening 8 years, the US just disappeared into the either like Brigadoon.

        Therefore, anything that is wrong with this country now is the black guy's fault.

      4. Naked_Bunny

        Senator Obama.

        Or maybe it was still Clinton.

        Hard to keep track of which Democrat is president when a Republican is president.

    2. not that Dewey

      Last week, the RWNJ talking point was that gasoline was $1.81 when Nobama took office seized power. It's been falling steadily ever since. Can we go back in time and short-sell this fictitious price of gasoline?

    3. Deportably_Jose

      It was, but that was because there was a massive financial collapse, or some shit. Who would have thought that widespread pessimism of future productivity would have a negative impact on some commodity prices, and that correspondingly, optimism in the same might cause prices to bounce back?

  2. Schmannnity

    Oh sure, blame it on supply and demand, Chu. Price is unrelated to supply and demand in Republican think, just like cutting taxes reduces the deficit.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, these days they are unrelated. The US has so much gasoline we are exporting it. We are producing more oil in the US than ever before. Yet the price keeps rising.

      1. starfanglednut

        The truly ironic thing about all this "drill baby drill" idiocy is that it doesn't reduce our dependence or furrin oil. multinational oil companies, drilling in US waters, sell oil to the highest bidder. All that oil now destroying ecosystems in the gulf was destined for China, probably. Morans.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Moronium is the precious excrement of the Mormon Angels. There are large deposits in Utah.

      1. memzilla

        Look at Canada. Canada is a net energy exporter. Canada would seem to be what the wingtards dream for the US. Canada should be paying much less for its gasoline, by wingtard logic.


  3. BaldarTFlagass

    We should elect Chuck Norris to be President, he could just karate-chop those gas prices in half.

  4. Beowoof

    Oh yeah, all this economic analysis from a guy who sells stretchy jeans. Who is he kidding? Oh yeah about half the morons in this country will believe this shit.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    I hear that there is a secret government plot underfoot to require us to power our cars using mooseberries.

    Squirrel and Moose, Inc. readily approves.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        The finest minds at Whatsamatta U. are working on alternative energy sources even as we type.

  6. edgydrifter

    Why doesn't Chuck Norris just fix the gas prices himself? I've been led to believe he is very powerful.

  7. SexySmurf

    The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.

    Sounds like an editorial right out of the Daily Worker.

  8. bikerlaureate

    If President Newt just drilled four times as many wells, the price of gas would drop to $1 / gallon. It's simple arithmetic, yo.

    EDIT: My stomach has been queasy ever since I typed "President Newt."
    – Oh crap, I just did it again…

  9. YouBetcha

    Chuck, next time you spout this nonsense and alienate yourself from the Hollywood Liberal Elite(TM), please go look in the mirror, and remind yourself that when you don't play ball with them, you don't have access to their good cosmetic surgeons, ergo, your facelift is atrocious. You're welcome.

  10. north_of_moscow

    "Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!"

    Today's debate: The necessity of the Oxford comma.

    1. proudgrampa

      From a newspaper account of a documentary about Merle Haggard:

      "Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."

      I never knew that Merle was gay.

    2. LesBontemps

      Also this, too:

      Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace

  11. SexySmurf

    Steven Chu actually owns a car that runs on Chuck Norris' tears. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries.

    1. JackDempsey1

      Like 83% of adult American males, Chuck cries once a year during the ceremonial coin toss at the Super Bowl pre-game.
      It's just…so…beautiful.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Note to new Wonkette overlord: Please do not get rid of the old "Chuck on Keyboard" .gif. It was always one of my favorites.

    1. banana_bread

      I have to admit that I liked him as a teenager, but that's because "Walker, Texas Ranger" was on after "Highlander" and I was too lazy to change the channel.


  13. Come here a minute

    We must act now before President Kenyan Muslin Socialist makes us use IMPERIAL gallons!

    1. sewollef

      Fortunately we [as in the Brits] have not used 'Imperial Gallons' for quite some years.

      We use Imperial Litres to measure how much we've been robbed at the gas pump. We should try it here… instead of that awful looking $4.07/Gallon I had to pay last weekend, it could read $2.10/Litre.

      See. I feel better already.

  14. RadioStalingrad

    I really don't need this punch-drunk, dimwit to regurgitate the same inane talking points that Russ, Innanity and Föx and Fiends have been drilling (get it, drilling?) into the atrophied minds of their minions for the last week….oh wait, he's a plagiarist too.

    1. not that Dewey

      He's been doing that for decades. In fact, the Great Leap Forward was the brainchild of toddler Nobama, so that he could zero out the Chinese population and start all over with the gas-guzzling Party faithful.

  15. BloviateMe

    Perhaps if that Jesus guy would have had any forethought, he would've skipped the wine trick and turned water into oil.

  16. Blueb4sunrise

    I didn't believe Chuckee was a Newt! supporter…..but it's true.

    …and cannot wait for this

    (In next week’s column, I’m going to reveal “a video more incriminating than Breitbart’s.”)

  17. HempDogbane

    I would like to know more about these "green alternatives to Chris Wallace," referenced in this article.

    1. LesBontemps

      Apparently, raising gas prices is what it takes.

      (Also, sorry for stepping on your joke upthread, I hadn't read this far.)

      1. HempDogbane

        No problem, it fit nicely into today's unit on punctuation as well as this sciency one.

  18. memzilla

    Of course, a planet of finite volume must have an infinite supply of something, right? Wingtard stupidity, for example.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      We'll never run out of it because Jesus will just put more of it there (wherever "there" is…y'know, the oil gettin' place)!

    1. ttommyunger

      Actually, Chuckie is the kind of man knives and guns are made for, and if I'm wearing pants, I have both on me.

  19. prommie

    The enemies of the glorious workers revolution are emboldened, as our propaganda organs are no longer able to discredit them as cranks and crazies. Curse you, Fox News! Comrades, we must redouble our efforts to destroy US captialism and seize control of the material means of production!

    1. commiegirl

      No it was. I went back and checked (JOURNALISM) last time some asshole claimed it, and it was true for about five seconds right when Obama was inaugurated, because no factories were running (due to the recession) and nobody was driving to work (because they didn't have any).

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Let me get this straight… it's a sin against the invisible hand by liebruls who say it might not be a good idea to drive SUVs and big ass pickup trucks if you don't really need to (most don't), but it's okay when howling about the same invisible hand which jacks/jerks up the skyrocketing cost of the fuel to power those massive hunks of metal.

    1. banana_bread

      Don't forget that gas prices are NOT the fault of the president when he's a Republican.

  21. UW8316154

    Yeah, right, that is *just* what a sitting president wants, high gas prices right before an election.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    Newt, I, as well as millions of other American patriots, believe in aggressively pursuing renewable energy alternatives and development, but not at the risk of losing our petroleum and economic shorts while we’re doing it.

    Believe me, Hong Kong Fooly, no one wants to see what lurks under your petroleum shorts.

  23. Sassomatic

    Drill Newt Gingrich? So he's just a big walking oil reserve. Makes. Total. Sense. DRILL HIM NOW!

  24. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The first time I went to Europe as an adult I remember commenting on how cheap gas was. Then my uncle said "that's per liter, dummy" and slapped me upside the head.

  25. Tundra Grifter

    "The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues."

    Talk to the Invisible Hand.

    1. NeonTrotsky

      Tomorrow will be "Washed Up Comedy Stars Day", featuring Victoria Jackson and Stephen Baldwin.

    2. commiegirl

      Thanks for noticing! As a print person, I always loved it when my papers had a good package.

  26. Oblios_Cap

    I never thought I would ever see Chuch Norris be described as a "renowned economist".

    But, really, he's not that much worse than any degreed economist from the University of Chicago.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, obviously George W Bush, who controlled gas prices at the time, made them real high so John McCain would win the election in a landslide.

  27. DaRooster

    “The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up…"

    1. Expected does NOT mean "Obama wants the price to go up" (Dumb-ass)
    2. It should be expected solely due to GREED.
    3. It is not even supply and demand… gas is our #1 export and it is being stockpiled in tankers and on shore just to make it appear that there is a shortage.

    But hey, if you want to believe that one (blah) man can turn the richest country into a third world slum in a measly 3 years go ahead.

  28. kissawookiee

    ‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

    I am simultaneously confused and horrified by the directives to move both away from fossil fuels and toward Newt's orifices.

  29. el_donaldo

    Is he paying someone to plagiarize his columns for him still? Not that it matters. Wingnuts recycle so much stale bullshit so often originality is hardly the point.

  30. Allmighty_Manos

    Chuck might want to sit down with Netanyahu and tell to chill it with the World War III talk.Usually ain't good for oil prices.

    1. soeoho

      If Chucky, Stevie Segal and maybe Teddy Nugent could go and handle the Mid-East alone and covertly the problem would be solved and we still wouldn't miiss them.

  31. freakishlywrong

    Has the secretary of poontang, the honorable Ted Nugent, imparted any of his wisdom yet?

  32. dadanarchist

    Per usual, the most adamant defenders of the Free Market don't understand how it works.

    Or, Free Market Koch-gobbling, Ur Doin It Wrong.

  33. Ducksworthy

    I beg your pardon morans, but you are trying to refudiate Chuck Norris. Might want to rethink that.

  34. LionHeartSoyDog

    OT but OMG!:

    from today's AP – "Penn State: Paterno Fired For 'Failure Of Leadership'."

    I thought Paterno was dead. Tough old pederast, the leathery fuck.

      1. LionHeartSoyDog

        He was okay with kids getting raped in the locker room.
        Odds are he had a vested interest.

  35. barto

    "Get off your gas"?!?!?

    Is he missing an "on", or was it supposed to be "grass"?

    WTF does it mean? Help me!

  36. Chet Kincaid

    If only Chuck had been able to find the funding to complete "The Day The Sensei Cried"! The critics would have plotzed themselves and raced home to pitch their "Citizen Kane's" into the recycling! Best Actor by acclamation at the Oscars!!

  37. fartknocker

    At this moment my only thought is to tell Chuck to Shut the Fuck Up. The problem with morons like him is that when you try to explain things like refining capacity, supply and demand, all they do is sit there and scream la-la-la-la over your spoken words.

  38. starfanglednut

    Well Chuck, if you'd just fart in my gas tank a few times, I'm sure my car (if I had one, I'm a godless liberal who lives in a city and rides a bike), would run forever.

  39. VinnyThePooh

    I gather Lone Wolf McStain didn't sell enough exercise equipment to keep gas in his combat grocery-getter.

    Name three people with beards.
    Uh, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris, and Chewbacca the Wookie.

    Thanks, Kevin Smith

  40. Deportably_Jose

    Of course, back pre-Depression, in 2006, we were upwards of $4/gallon gas prices as well. Clearly this was also part of the Radical Environmentalist Schemes of our Alinskyite Marxist president at the time, George W Bush Obama. Or Clinton. One of those guys, I forget which.


    1. Biff

      I was paying almost as much for diesel in 2005 as I did just last week. Tell me the cynical fucks didn't just cold raise the price of diesel so everyone that doesn't even drive could pay more for everything, because trucks?

  41. owhatever

    Okay, Chuch, let's start from the beginning. One plus one equals? (You supply the answer. Clue: Two) No, don't shoot me!

  42. HelmutNewton

    But Chuck has a plan to deal with high gas prices. Everyone goes out and buys a Total Gym™, and Chuck hooks them all up to the electric grid!

Comments are closed.