HI-YA!  12:20 pm March 12, 2012

Noted Economist Chuck Norris Explains Obama’s ‘Schemes’ To Double Gas Prices

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Very loud rage.
LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things!

President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And he’s well on his way by more than doubling prices at the pump since entering office in January 2009, when gasoline was only $1.79 per gallon. Here’s how he schemes to double prices again in his second term, with you footing the bill.


It is interesting that GOP stalwarts like Norris seem to think it is the president who controls oil prices, and do not seem to think that, say, the oil companies have anything to do with them, isn’t it? But you know, lalalawhatever.

How else has the government been plotting and conspiring and cabaling to make you bend over and take it? By acknowledging reality, that’s how! Here is Chuck Norris on Secretary of Energy Steven Chu nefariously explaining uncontroversial (?) facts in 2011. Chuck Norris will karate-chop your “facts,” Steven Chu!

In February 2011, Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace, host of Fox News Sunday, when he said, “The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.”

It is nice to know that Chuck Norris is not one of those lazy pundits who do not keep up with the news. Nope, Chuck had all his browsers open last week, catching both the hysterical talking point about Chu not owning a car!!!1!1 and the Daily Caller’s total undermining of Steven Chu’s not owning a car, and combining them for one great big pile of Real American Primal Scream:

Speaking of misleading, this past week Energy Secretary Chu was at it again as he testified before the House Subcommittee on Energy and Power. Dodging its question about whether he practiced what he preached by owning a Chevy Volt electric car, Chu replied sheepishly, “No, I don’t own a car at the moment.” (Before you commend him for his bio-walking, it should be noted that he’s chauffeured in U.S. government Cadillac Escalades, which of course run off of fossil fuel like his wife’s BMW.)

Sums up Chuck Norris: “If you are ready for real change, if you want to stabilize our economy, increase jobs, lower gas prices and restore our republic simultaneously, then shout it out to Washington and the nation: ‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

Sure, Chuck Norris. Will do.
[WND]

 
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{ 172 comments }

nounverb911 March 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm

How many mpg do you get with a santorum powered car?

GeorgiaBurning March 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Whatever the mpg, you don't want to deal with what comes out as exhaust.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Santorum power… it runs and runs and runs…

twoeightnine March 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Not sure but once you hit 88 miles per hour you're blasted back to the 1800s.

AlterNewt March 12, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Who?

freakishlywrong March 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Some dude with an infomercial hawking an exercise machine?

Lascauxcaveman March 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I think he had a teevee show before then. Ask your granddad. And before that, kicked some young Chinese guy in the head.

CommieLibunatic March 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Some karate cowboy that everyone thinks is a badass for some reason. Made an annoying World of Warcraft commercial recently.

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Gas was $1.79 a gallon when O'Bama took office? Really?

God, I wish we would become more like the Europeans instead of trying to regress back to the Neanderthals.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm

We could have that again if Obama would just let Republicans deregulate us back into another bad recession.

OneDollarJuana March 12, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Inhofe is working on getting us back to single-cell stage.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Evolution? How dare you!

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Yeah, for about 30 seconds.

Say, who was president in July 2008, when it was $4.28 a gallon? Anybody remember?

SoBeach March 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I remember. But back in those days the president didn't personally control the price of gas, so what's your point?

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Only a Blah president can control gas prices.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

My head hurts, again.

JustPixelz March 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Yep! Gas prices peaked at the highest level in history in July 2008 while oilman Bush and oilman Cheney "who know how to talk to the Saudis" were running things. So either a) they were full of shit; b) they wanted high prices to reward their oil buddies; c) the president doesn't control oil prices.

Anyway, prices dropped like a stone as demand fell due to the economic collapse — aka the Republican Economic Plan. They bottomed out pretty much the day Obama took office, creating this quasi-artificial datapoint for the haters.

MozakiBlocks March 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

In wingnut world, Bush the lesser was never President. We went straight from Bill to Barry. During the intervening 8 years, the US just disappeared into the either like Brigadoon.

Therefore, anything that is wrong with this country now is the black guy's fault.

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Alloway, Katie.

Naked_Bunny March 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Senator Obama.

Or maybe it was still Clinton.

Hard to keep track of which Democrat is president when a Republican is president.

not that Dewey March 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Last week, the RWNJ talking point was that gasoline was $1.81 when Nobama took office seized power. It's been falling steadily ever since. Can we go back in time and short-sell this fictitious price of gasoline?

Deportably_Jose March 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm

It was, but that was because there was a massive financial collapse, or some shit. Who would have thought that widespread pessimism of future productivity would have a negative impact on some commodity prices, and that correspondingly, optimism in the same might cause prices to bounce back?

Schmannnity March 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Oh sure, blame it on supply and demand, Chu. Price is unrelated to supply and demand in Republican think, just like cutting taxes reduces the deficit.

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Relationships? How do they work?

Schmannnity March 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

That must be why he is supporting Gingrich, a specialist on relationships.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Supply goes up, demand goes down. You can't explain it.

Lascauxcaveman March 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm

No, I think you just did. (sorta)

OneDollarJuana March 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Actually, these days they are unrelated. The US has so much gasoline we are exporting it. We are producing more oil in the US than ever before. Yet the price keeps rising.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm

The truly ironic thing about all this "drill baby drill" idiocy is that it doesn't reduce our dependence or furrin oil. multinational oil companies, drilling in US waters, sell oil to the highest bidder. All that oil now destroying ecosystems in the gulf was destined for China, probably. Morans.

FlipOffResearch March 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

This time like last time, the high gas prices are a direct result of the threat to bomb Iran back into the stone age. That simple.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

If we could only power our cars by Moronium, Chuck Norris would become a precious natural resource.

Ducksworthy March 12, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Moronium is the precious excrement of the Mormon Angels. There are large deposits in Utah.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm

What part of "World Market" don't these wingtards understand?

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

World = The land defined by the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, along with our colonies, Mexico and Canada.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Look at Canada. Canada is a net energy exporter. Canada would seem to be what the wingtards dream for the US. Canada should be paying much less for its gasoline, by wingtard logic.

CANADA PAYS THE EXACT SAME PRICE FOR OIL WE DO, YOU IDJITS.

freakishlywrong March 12, 2012 at 12:38 pm

All of it, Katie.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm

We should elect Chuck Norris to be President, he could just karate-chop those gas prices in half.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Hell, he could just give them a nasty look.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm

And the blacks prices would go back down where they should be.

Beowoof March 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh yeah, all this economic analysis from a guy who sells stretchy jeans. Who is he kidding? Oh yeah about half the morons in this country will believe this shit.

DarwinianDemon March 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Just how hard did Bruce Lee kick him??

MegPasadena March 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm

So hard that he needs to wear stretchy tight jeans to prove he has balls.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Hard as a red headed step child.

slowhansolo March 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

He apparently never recovered.

FNMA March 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

When will Detroit invent a car that runs on Chuck Norris' awesomeness?

Chet Kincaid March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Chuck Norris, the Sarah Palin of Acting.

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I hear that there is a secret government plot underfoot to require us to power our cars using mooseberries.

Squirrel and Moose, Inc. readily approves.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Indeed, they hold the Kurwood Derby every year to test the technology.

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Thumbs up just for the most obscure reference so far this month.

proudgrampa March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Well done!

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

The Keystone XL pipeline route passes suspiciously close to Frostbite Falls, too…

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The finest minds at Whatsamatta U. are working on alternative energy sources even as we type.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Unfortunately, this week they're distracted by the play-in game for the NCAAs against the Mud City Manglers.

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The band or the football team?

Gratuitous World March 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

raising gas prices in an election year is right out of the Saul Alinsky playbook.

NellCote71 March 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Plotted in Bill Ayers' living room.

edgydrifter March 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Why doesn't Chuck Norris just fix the gas prices himself? I've been led to believe he is very powerful.

ttommyunger March 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm

That would be his breath, I understand.

SexySmurf March 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.

Sounds like an editorial right out of the Daily Worker.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Well, it is! I mean, if those lazy oil workers would stop owning the means of production and start working….

bikerlaureate March 12, 2012 at 12:32 pm

If President Newt just drilled four times as many wells, the price of gas would drop to $1 / gallon. It's simple arithmetic, yo.

EDIT: My stomach has been queasy ever since I typed "President Newt."
- Oh crap, I just did it again…

Lascauxcaveman March 12, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"Drill pipe goes down, oil comes up; you can't explain it."

YouBetcha March 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Chuck, next time you spout this nonsense and alienate yourself from the Hollywood Liberal Elite(TM), please go look in the mirror, and remind yourself that when you don't play ball with them, you don't have access to their good cosmetic surgeons, ergo, your facelift is atrocious. You're welcome.

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Segal and Norris?

NEEDZ MOAR DOLPH LUNDGREN!!!!!!!!!

north_of_moscow March 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

"Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!"

Today's debate: The necessity of the Oxford comma.

Chichikovovich March 12, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Post of the week.

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

You can have my Oxford comma when you pry it from my cold, dead ampersands.

proudgrampa March 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

From a newspaper account of a documentary about Merle Haggard:

"Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."

I never knew that Merle was gay.

sewollef March 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I'm a big, big fan of the semi-colon. As you can see right here…

LesBontemps March 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Also this, too:

Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace

bumfug March 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

If anybody's known for indiscriminate drilling it's Newt "Jizz Machine" Gingrich.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I think I just threw up in my mouth…

SexySmurf March 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Steven Chu actually owns a car that runs on Chuck Norris' tears. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries.

JackDempsey1 March 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Untrue.
Like 83% of adult American males, Chuck cries once a year during the ceremonial coin toss at the Super Bowl pre-game.
It's just…so…beautiful.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Note to new Wonkette overlord: Please do not get rid of the old "Chuck on Keyboard" .gif. It was always one of my favorites.

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And in a related story, the Total Gym that Chuck Norris is pushing on late night infomercials (my, how far the mighty Christie Brinkley has fallen to co host with him) turns out to be hazardous: http://www.ripoffreport.com/infomercial-rip-offs/

EatsBabyDingos March 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I used to respect Chuck Norris. No, wait, no I didn't.

OneDollarJuana March 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

He is the butt of many humorous jokes.

And a butt.

banana_bread March 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I have to admit that I liked him as a teenager, but that's because "Walker, Texas Ranger" was on after "Highlander" and I was too lazy to change the channel.

ADRIAN PAUL FOR PRESIDENT

Come here a minute March 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

We must act now before President Kenyan Muslin Socialist makes us use IMPERIAL gallons!

sewollef March 12, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Fortunately we [as in the Brits] have not used 'Imperial Gallons' for quite some years.

We use Imperial Litres to measure how much we've been robbed at the gas pump. We should try it here… instead of that awful looking $4.07/Gallon I had to pay last weekend, it could read $2.10/Litre.

See. I feel better already.

Exhausted66 March 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"Walker told me I have AIDS."

Sharkey March 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Chuck does all my math, because it's hard.

NeonTrotsky March 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Math? Or Meth?

freakishlywrong March 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Fuck (you), Norris.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I really don't need this punch-drunk, dimwit to regurgitate the same inane talking points that Russ, Innanity and Föx and Fiends have been drilling (get it, drilling?) into the atrophied minds of their minions for the last week….oh wait, he's a plagiarist too.

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm
RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Appropriate.

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

So Obama made the middle classes of China and India grow, increasing their demands for gas?

LetUsBray March 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

So you admit that he's devious and tricky (when he's not a hapless incompetent).

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

That Rat Bastard!

not that Dewey March 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He's been doing that for decades. In fact, the Great Leap Forward was the brainchild of toddler Nobama, so that he could zero out the Chinese population and start all over with the gas-guzzling Party faithful.

freakishlywrong March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

He is, indeed, a Magic Negro.

slowhansolo March 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

History's greatest monster!

BloviateMe March 12, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Perhaps if that Jesus guy would have had any forethought, he would've skipped the wine trick and turned water into oil.

Blueb4sunrise March 12, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I didn't believe Chuckee was a Newt! supporter…..but it's true.

…and cannot wait for this

(In next week’s column, I’m going to reveal “a video more incriminating than Breitbart’s.”)

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

You won't believe what they've found!

UnholyMoses March 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Turns out the President is married to a **GASP** BLACK WOMAN!! And even HUGS HER!!!

HempDogbane March 12, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I would like to know more about these "green alternatives to Chris Wallace," referenced in this article.

ChernobylSoup March 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I can't embrace this enough to you: don't try to diagram Chuck's sentences.

LesBontemps March 12, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Apparently, raising gas prices is what it takes.

(Also, sorry for stepping on your joke upthread, I hadn't read this far.)

HempDogbane March 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm

No problem, it fit nicely into today's unit on punctuation as well as this sciency one.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Of course, a planet of finite volume must have an infinite supply of something, right? Wingtard stupidity, for example.

Loaded_Pants March 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm

We'll never run out of it because Jesus will just put more of it there (wherever "there" is…y'know, the oil gettin' place)!

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Who needz karate when you've got a Glock?

ttommyunger March 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Actually, Chuckie is the kind of man knives and guns are made for, and if I'm wearing pants, I have both on me.

prommie March 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm

The enemies of the glorious workers revolution are emboldened, as our propaganda organs are no longer able to discredit them as cranks and crazies. Curse you, Fox News! Comrades, we must redouble our efforts to destroy US captialism and seize control of the material means of production!

coolhandnuke March 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Chuck go drill a chicken, a rooster or a fucking Seagal.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

TEABAGGERS FOR FREE MARKETS!! (Except when they make prices rise.)

EatsBabyDingos March 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm

All I heard was Chuck wants to "drill Newt." Ewwwwww.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I have no recollection of gas prices being under $2.00 in like the last decade.

commiegirl March 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

No it was. I went back and checked (JOURNALISM) last time some asshole claimed it, and it was true for about five seconds right when Obama was inaugurated, because no factories were running (due to the recession) and nobody was driving to work (because they didn't have any).

ManchuCandidate March 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Let me get this straight… it's a sin against the invisible hand by liebruls who say it might not be a good idea to drive SUVs and big ass pickup trucks if you don't really need to (most don't), but it's okay when howling about the same invisible hand which jacks/jerks up the skyrocketing cost of the fuel to power those massive hunks of metal.

banana_bread March 12, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Don't forget that gas prices are NOT the fault of the president when he's a Republican.

UW8316154 March 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Yeah, right, that is *just* what a sitting president wants, high gas prices right before an election.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Newt, I, as well as millions of other American patriots, believe in aggressively pursuing renewable energy alternatives and development, but not at the risk of losing our petroleum and economic shorts while we’re doing it.

Believe me, Hong Kong Fooly, no one wants to see what lurks under your petroleum shorts.

Sassomatic March 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Drill Newt Gingrich? So he's just a big walking oil reserve. Makes. Total. Sense. DRILL HIM NOW!

soeoho March 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I believe they are confusing gas with oil. Its OK, drill-em' anyhow!

FNMA March 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I think you're confusing oil with lard.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The first time I went to Europe as an adult I remember commenting on how cheap gas was. Then my uncle said "that's per liter, dummy" and slapped me upside the head.

Tundra Grifter March 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

"The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues."

Talk to the Invisible Hand.

imissopus March 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I see it's "Washed Up Action Stars Day" here on Wonkette.

NeonTrotsky March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Tomorrow will be "Washed Up Comedy Stars Day", featuring Victoria Jackson and Stephen Baldwin.

SexySmurf March 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

You know, I've always wanted to know Michael Dudikoff's thoughts on birth control.

commiegirl March 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Thanks for noticing! As a print person, I always loved it when my papers had a good package.

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I hope no one has posted this. I want to be the first. Chuck is a dope!

Oblios_Cap March 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I never thought I would ever see Chuch Norris be described as a "renowned economist".

But, really, he's not that much worse than any degreed economist from the University of Chicago.

sewollef March 12, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I saw what you did there…!

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Chuck, gas prices were even higher in June of '08. Any comment, dumbass?

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Well, obviously George W Bush, who controlled gas prices at the time, made them real high so John McCain would win the election in a landslide.

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I don't know how, in HTML, to hide a link but this is…interesting.
http://gasbuddy.com/gb_retail_price_chart.aspx

sewollef March 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm
MegPasadena March 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Next he will claim Obama controls the price of tampons.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm

“The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up…"

1. Expected does NOT mean "Obama wants the price to go up" (Dumb-ass)
2. It should be expected solely due to GREED.
3. It is not even supply and demand… gas is our #1 export and it is being stockpiled in tankers and on shore just to make it appear that there is a shortage.

But hey, if you want to believe that one (blah) man can turn the richest country into a third world slum in a measly 3 years go ahead.
Wait… GO AHEAD… AND LEAVE!!

YouBetcha March 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Also plus too, Sarah Palin School of Syntax, such as.

kissawookiee March 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm

‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

I am simultaneously confused and horrified by the directives to move both away from fossil fuels and toward Newt's orifices.

Biff March 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I refuse to either drill or vote for that sumbitch!

Jus_Wonderin March 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I'll kick him in the nutz. Though, someone might have to locate them for me.

sewollef March 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm

They're underneath his steely jaw. Right between that vacant parking lot of a yap hole.

actor212 March 12, 2012 at 2:06 pm

He's a Chinballsian???

el_donaldo March 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Is he paying someone to plagiarize his columns for him still? Not that it matters. Wingnuts recycle so much stale bullshit so often originality is hardly the point.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Your move, Steven Seagal.

Allmighty_Manos March 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Chuck might want to sit down with Netanyahu and tell to chill it with the World War III talk.Usually ain't good for oil prices.

soeoho March 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

If Chucky, Stevie Segal and maybe Teddy Nugent could go and handle the Mid-East alone and covertly the problem would be solved and we still wouldn't miiss them.

Nostrildamus March 12, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Chuck needs to give the invisible hand the invisible roundhouse kick.

freakishlywrong March 12, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Has the secretary of poontang, the honorable Ted Nugent, imparted any of his wisdom yet?

dadanarchist March 12, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Per usual, the most adamant defenders of the Free Market don't understand how it works.

Or, Free Market Koch-gobbling, Ur Doin It Wrong.

Ducksworthy March 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I beg your pardon morans, but you are trying to refudiate Chuck Norris. Might want to rethink that.

LionHeartSoyDog March 12, 2012 at 1:19 pm

OT but OMG!:

from today's AP – "Penn State: Paterno Fired For 'Failure Of Leadership'."

I thought Paterno was dead. Tough old pederast, the leathery fuck.

Chet Kincaid March 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Paterno was the pederast, you say?

LionHeartSoyDog March 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He was okay with kids getting raped in the locker room.
Odds are he had a vested interest.

banana_bread March 12, 2012 at 2:07 pm

The failure was that he stopped showing up to work due to a case of being dead.

LesBontemps March 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm

No excuses!

barto March 12, 2012 at 1:21 pm

"Get off your gas"?!?!?

Is he missing an "on", or was it supposed to be "grass"?

WTF does it mean? Help me!

jfruh March 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Chuck Norris sneers at your "bio-walking." Real Americans mecha-walk, hippie!

Chet Kincaid March 12, 2012 at 1:26 pm

If only Chuck had been able to find the funding to complete "The Day The Sensei Cried"! The critics would have plotzed themselves and raced home to pitch their "Citizen Kane's" into the recycling! Best Actor by acclamation at the Oscars!!

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Walker, Texas Tard

fartknocker March 12, 2012 at 1:33 pm

At this moment my only thought is to tell Chuck to Shut the Fuck Up. The problem with morons like him is that when you try to explain things like refining capacity, supply and demand, all they do is sit there and scream la-la-la-la over your spoken words.

Not_So_Much March 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Where is Bruce Lee to beat the fuck out of this moran when you need him?

stncmchnc March 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Bruce is too busy beating up Breitbart on the other side.

slowhansolo March 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Do you think if Chuck took another 1,000 blows to the head it might reverse the damage from the first 1,000?

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Well Chuck, if you'd just fart in my gas tank a few times, I'm sure my car (if I had one, I'm a godless liberal who lives in a city and rides a bike), would run forever.

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Santorum is an infinite source of methane. Drill him.

VinnyThePooh March 12, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I gather Lone Wolf McStain didn't sell enough exercise equipment to keep gas in his combat grocery-getter.

Name three people with beards.
Uh, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris, and Chewbacca the Wookie.
Judges?

Thanks, Kevin Smith

Biff March 12, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I wonder what Samuel Wurzelbacher has to say about this?

Generation[redacted] March 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

$9.99

Deportably_Jose March 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Of course, back pre-Depression, in 2006, we were upwards of $4/gallon gas prices as well. Clearly this was also part of the Radical Environmentalist Schemes of our Alinskyite Marxist president at the time, George W Bush Obama. Or Clinton. One of those guys, I forget which.

Carter?

Biff March 12, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I was paying almost as much for diesel in 2005 as I did just last week. Tell me the cynical fucks didn't just cold raise the price of diesel so everyone that doesn't even drive could pay more for everything, because trucks?

owhatever March 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Okay, Chuch, let's start from the beginning. One plus one equals? (You supply the answer. Clue: Two) No, don't shoot me!

HelmutNewton March 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm

But Chuck has a plan to deal with high gas prices. Everyone goes out and buys a Total Gym™, and Chuck hooks them all up to the electric grid!

The_Trainman March 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm

We would've lost Vietnam to the commies if not for ole Chuck. Gingrich/Norris 2012!

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 8:55 pm

He'll get back to you when he's done with his Vampire Weekend.

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