Steven Seagal and Sheriff Joe Arpaio Use Tank, Bomb Robot In Raid, Kill Guy’s Animals, Get Sued

Thin Blue LineRad dudes Steven Seagal and Sheriff Joe Arpaio (R-The Best) drove a tank through some jerk’s front wall and then, with their bomb-robot and 40 deputies, accidentally killed a hundred of the jerk’s animals that they were supposed to be saving from his alleged cockfighting, and now this guy’s got the nerve to sue them, just for doing their job! (Their job being to have a reality show called “Fat Sad Old Steven Seagal Thinks Movies Are Real,” which A&E has since pulled from its schedule.) FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS! TORT REFORM! TRIAL LAwyERZ! AIYEEE!

Jesus Llovera alleges that America’s Finest Sheriff, Sheriff Joe, conducted himself unprofessionally in order to garner publicity. Now STOP RIGHT THERE, LLOVERA! Libel! Libel! And et cetera.

He was handcuffed and taken outside, where action-movie actor Steven Seagal waited, clad in camouflage and sunglasses and hoisting a rifle.

“I looked up and saw his face,” Llovera said. “It was very strange.”


At the time of his arrest, Llovera said, Seagal walked him off his property to a van but did not speak to him. Seagal went off to do media interviews. Show producers asked Llovera to sign a release allowing them to use footage of his arrest. Llovera said deputies removed his handcuffs twice as producers asked him to sign. He refused.

“They said, ‘It will be good for you, so everyone can see your animals,’ ” Llovera said. “I said I didn’t want to.”

Llovera, who was already on probation for a misdemeanor charge of “being present at a cockfight,” denies he was raising his more than 100 roosters for cockfighting, which, well, ahem.

[Arizona Republic, via TPM]

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  1. Biel_ze_Bubba

    It's one thing if stormtrooper Arapaio and a bunch of his douchebag deputies destroy my property, kill my animals, and arrest me for the sheer fun of filming it. I mean, hey, you just got to go with the flow sometimes.

    But putting me in a Steven Seagal movie? Shit, I'd absolutely sue his ass off for that!

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Didn't the late, great Spy Magazine run a story about Seagal? That he really wasn't much of a martial arts expert (I believe the real expert was his wife at the time)?

  2. prommie

    Somehow, this is appropriate. Bloated numbskull actor, meet racist knuckle-dragging sherrif. I see it as a buddy-comedy, "Lethal Stupidity."

  3. ChernobylSoup

    raising his more than 100 roosters…

    I'm no farmer, but I reckon there's not much agricultural use of 100 roosters unless you have about 1000 hens.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      He was this close to dialing in a truly world-beating coq au vin recipe, when they hauled him off to the klink. .

  4. freakishlywrong

    Cock fighting, Steven Segal and Sheriff Joe. All that's missing is a closeted, bald right wing hero. Wait..what?

      1. freakishlywrong

        You can't make this shit up. "A closeted, bald sheriff, Steven Segal and a bigot walk in to a cockfight". "In Arizona" goes without saying.

  5. comrad_darkness

    "The Sheriff's Office insists in court documents that the use of a tank, a bomb robot and 40 deputies was part of its normal course of duties.

    "The search warrant was going to occur with or without Seagal," sheriff's Deputy Chief Dave Trombi said before the lawsuit was filed. "The search warrant was not based at all on the needs of the production company."

    Sooooo, these guys are overbearing idiot douchebags, but normally no one pays any attention. I'm so glad the right is always on guard against fascism, aren't you?

  6. Goonemeritus

    Having suffered a neighbor’s rooster for years I only regret not having the foresight to purchase a surplus tank.

  7. DaRooster

    Finally… a story about bad ass roosters!! Killed by hunky tough guy Steven Seagal and human butt-plug Joe Arpaio… but like pretty much anything else-
    It beats Santorum opening his throat…

  8. Mumbletypeg

    “They said, ‘It will be good for you, so everyone can see your animals,’ ” Llovera said. “I said I didn’t want to.”

    For once it's actual cock-blocked action being documented.
    The Kochs who are customarily fluffed by the likes of Arapio probably did not have this in mind.

  9. actor212

    You liberals are missing the point! Those were trained KILLER ROBOT CHICKEN MEXICANS! They were snuck across the border to create wave after wave of anchor baby pollitos and kill American huevos using aikido! It's a takeover by the Chinese! READ YOUR STOP SIGNS!!!!!!

  10. WIDTAP

    Wikipedia is ahead of the game:

    Llovera says his 11-month-old puppy was shot and killed during the raid and that police also killed more than 100 of his roosters.

    Steven Segal: puppy killer!

      1. actor212

        I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
        That I over-ran with the mower.
        One leg is missing the other is gone.
        The third one is scattered all over the lawn.
        No need explaining the one remaining
        It's splattered on the kitchen door.
        I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
        that I over-ran with the mower.

        I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
        Who died on the kitchen floor.
        One leg is broken, the other is lame,
        The third leg is missing, the fourth needs a cane.
        No need explaining, the tail remaining
        Was caught in the oven door.
        I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
        Who died on the kitchen floor.

  11. SexySmurf

    Steven Seagal thought he was Out for Justice, but he learned he's not Above the Law. Now he's Under Siege and on Deadly Ground. This lawsuit will be Hard to Kill. And something about Exit Wounds.

  12. HempDogbane

    The best part was when the naked chick climbed out of the tank, and Seagal acted all nonchalant-like. Or wooden. I think he was known for his wooden-ness.

  13. SorosBot

    It's like Seagal has become the real-life version of the bad guy from one of his shitty movies; he's even hooked up with a real life supervillain in Racist Sheriff Joe.

  14. actor212

    Deputies also found medicines, charging Llovera with possession of dangerous drugs, and accessories, like sparring balls.


    Mine seem to get along fine in the same sack…

  15. DangerHelvetica

    Congrats, Joe and Steve. You made a person who raises animals to fight to the death look like the good guy.

  16. Doktor Zoom

    OT, but here's a tip for folks considering getting divorced: Even if you have a lawyer, proofread, lest you be snickered at. Just read a file where dad's attorney asserts that the dad (Plaintiff) and mom (Defendant) "[have] one minor daughter, [name & DOB redacted]; in addition, the Defendant has another child who is not the biological child of the Plaintiff but who is psychologically the father to the child, [name & DOB redacted]."

    The poor kid is psychologically her own father? And perhaps her own gram-pa.

    Also, too, there's at least two attorneys in Boise who seem to think that it's fancier to say that two people were "intermarried," rather than plain ol' married. I'm sorry, but you don't get to just dragoon terms from social science that apply to groups of people and make believe they apply to individuals. Unless the plaintiff is the Navajo nation and the defendant is the Hopi tribe, they can't "intermarry."

    1. not that Dewey

      Obviously the divorce lawyer is a huge Wordsworth fan, and stuck it in there to be "meta".

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I like Mom's attorney, who didn't even address the notion of Dad's "psychological" fatherhood. Her answer & counterclaim lists only the one child the couple had together.

  17. anniegetyerfun

    Wow, so there's not really a protagonist in the story? Because I'm pretty sure that I hate everyone involved in this.

  18. Terry

    Back when Segal was doing his faux cop thing in Louisiana, the sheriff's department was actually using him well. If a group of people were out in the street fighting, for instance, they'd have Segal walk up to them and strike a pose. One of the combatants would recognize him and yell "Hey, there's Steven Segal!" and everyone would stop fighting to talk to him. Meanwhile, the deputies would be slapping cuffs on them.

    Maybe Segal got bored with that, or he annoyed the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Dept in some way.

  19. metamarcisf

    I'm surprised Seagal can even find the keys to his tank, buried as they are underneath all those Academy Awards.

  20. WiscDad

    For the love of Jesus :) Arpaio says: “If my deputies—or posse man Seagal for that matter—had done something so awful like shooting a family dog, then where are the photos to prove it?”. "posse man Seagal"? What the fuck?

  21. Chet Kincaid

    Sheriff Joe is 1,000% right on this! People don't know how to handle their cocks! Just the other day, a toddler was pecked to death by a pack of roosters who escaped their barnyard! I saw it on "The Cock Whisperer" on Animal Planet.

  22. Lascauxcaveman

    DO NOT mess with a chicken farmer. You send one of his to the rotisserie, he sends one of yours to the fryer.

  23. ttommyunger

    I know Ted Nugent is heart-broken having to miss this adventure with his penile-challenged soulmates. Prolly had a scheduling conflict with his dick-stretching consultant. Between the three of them there would have been close to six whole inches of dick in the mix.

  24. Veritas78

    I sincerely hope Senor Llovera makes the acquaintance of a good lawyer about now, because both of them are going to be rich. Good move not signing the release. All the footage can be demanded during discovery by the plaintiff. If it somehow goes missing, that's obstruction of justice and it goes from civil to criminal.
    Plus, the Feds currently investigating the Sheriff are no doubt interested in seeing it, too. And this won't be grainy video from some b/w CCT unit that hasn't been dusted in five years — it' probably in HD. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

  25. commiegirl

    Back in The Day, Commie Mom had an affair with JD LaRue. One of her several claims to fame.

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