Thin Blue LineRad dudes Steven Seagal and Sheriff Joe Arpaio (R-The Best) drove a tank through some jerk’s front wall and then, with their bomb-robot and 40 deputies, accidentally killed a hundred of the jerk’s animals that they were supposed to be saving from his alleged cockfighting, and now this guy’s got the nerve to sue them, just for doing their job! (Their job being to have a reality show called “Fat Sad Old Steven Seagal Thinks Movies Are Real,” which A&E has since pulled from its schedule.) FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS! TORT REFORM! TRIAL LAwyERZ! AIYEEE!

Jesus Llovera alleges that America’s Finest Sheriff, Sheriff Joe, conducted himself unprofessionally in order to garner publicity. Now STOP RIGHT THERE, LLOVERA! Libel! Libel! And et cetera.

He was handcuffed and taken outside, where action-movie actor Steven Seagal waited, clad in camouflage and sunglasses and hoisting a rifle.

“I looked up and saw his face,” Llovera said. “It was very strange.”


At the time of his arrest, Llovera said, Seagal walked him off his property to a van but did not speak to him. Seagal went off to do media interviews. Show producers asked Llovera to sign a release allowing them to use footage of his arrest. Llovera said deputies removed his handcuffs twice as producers asked him to sign. He refused.

“They said, ‘It will be good for you, so everyone can see your animals,’ ” Llovera said. “I said I didn’t want to.”

Llovera, who was already on probation for a misdemeanor charge of “being present at a cockfight,” denies he was raising his more than 100 roosters for cockfighting, which, well, ahem.

[Arizona Republic, via TPM]

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  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    It's one thing if stormtrooper Arapaio and a bunch of his douchebag deputies destroy my property, kill my animals, and arrest me for the sheer fun of filming it. I mean, hey, you just got to go with the flow sometimes.

    But putting me in a Steven Seagal movie? Shit, I'd absolutely sue his ass off for that!

  • Schmannnity

    Seagal is starting to look a lot like John Candy.

    • Needs moar donuts.

    • coolhandnuke

      So is Breibart.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Another big fat famous guy that likes to play cop is Shaquille O'Neal.

      I'm smelling a mega-buddy comedy series here.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Didn't the late, great Spy Magazine run a story about Seagal? That he really wasn't much of a martial arts expert (I believe the real expert was his wife at the time)?

    • Do you think he wears all those guitars he can't play above or below the gut?

  • Huevos Ocupados

    As a Texan all I have to say is "Thank gawd for Arizona".

  • prommie

    Somehow, this is appropriate. Bloated numbskull actor, meet racist knuckle-dragging sherrif. I see it as a buddy-comedy, "Lethal Stupidity."

    • comrad_darkness

      "Weapon's Grade Lethal Stupidity"

  • freakishlywrong

    American Derps. Arizona edition.

  • ChernobylSoup

    raising his more than 100 roosters…

    I'm no farmer, but I reckon there's not much agricultural use of 100 roosters unless you have about 1000 hens.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      He's like the Crazy Cat Lady, except with roosters.

      • Lady has pussy, dude has cock.

        You can't explain that.

        • LesBontemps

          I think you just did.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He was this close to dialing in a truly world-beating coq au vin recipe, when they hauled him off to the klink. .

    • Veritas78

      Obviously a gay-rooster enthusiast, and we are legion.

  • FNMA

    I thought Seagal was much better on "Real Housewives of Bisbee."

  • Reality sucks.

  • Schmannnity

    Sheriff Joe arrests Jesus. More war on religion.

  • DCBloom

    You might be a redneck…..

  • chascates

    Using a tank just raises the ante. Next series: Drone Strike–ARIZONA!

    • PubOption

      And I thought that Lt. Hunter in 'Hill Street Blues' was supposed to be a joke.

  • Baconzgood

    This story will be (puts on sunglasses) "Hard to Kill".

    • HistoriCat


    • MadBrahms

      Looks like those cockfighters thought they were (sunglasses again) "Above the Law"

  • Under Siege 3: Fowl Territory

  • Seagal made a career of cockfighting.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      No, that's Ron Jeremy.

      • UW8316154

        Who is celebrating a birthday, today!

        • I'll raise a…chalice…to his finest works, later.

          • DaRooster

            I won't ask how you are going to raise it…

          • horsedreamer_1

            Cock push-ups?

  • freakishlywrong

    Cock fighting, Steven Segal and Sheriff Joe. All that's missing is a closeted, bald right wing hero. Wait..what?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Your move, Paul Babeu.

      • freakishlywrong

        You can't make this shit up. "A closeted, bald sheriff, Steven Segal and a bigot walk in to a cockfight". "In Arizona" goes without saying.

  • comrad_darkness

    "The Sheriff's Office insists in court documents that the use of a tank, a bomb robot and 40 deputies was part of its normal course of duties.

    "The search warrant was going to occur with or without Seagal," sheriff's Deputy Chief Dave Trombi said before the lawsuit was filed. "The search warrant was not based at all on the needs of the production company."

    Sooooo, these guys are overbearing idiot douchebags, but normally no one pays any attention. I'm so glad the right is always on guard against fascism, aren't you?

  • CarnyTrash

    A bunch of cocks were killed by a couple of cocks.

  • coolhandnuke

    100 degree weather, 102 cocks…Stupidity 101.

  • Cockfighting?

    Why are the Lamestream Media unconcerned with cuntfighting?

    • Baconzgood


    • Even bum fighting has to be covered on YouTube.

    • Callyson

      They covered that last year in their stories about Saint Sarah vs Shelly.

  • Goonemeritus

    Having suffered a neighbor’s rooster for years I only regret not having the foresight to purchase a surplus tank.

  • DaRooster

    Finally… a story about bad ass roosters!! Killed by hunky tough guy Steven Seagal and human butt-plug Joe Arpaio… but like pretty much anything else-
    It beats Santorum opening his throat…

  • “They said, ‘It will be good for you, so everyone can see your animals,’ ” Llovera said. “I said I didn’t want to.”

    For once it's actual cock-blocked action being documented.
    The Kochs who are customarily fluffed by the likes of Arapio probably did not have this in mind.

  • “It was very strange.”

    That about sums up everything these days.

  • coolhandnuke

    Needz Cluck Norris.

  • DaRooster

    Keep Savin' Those Chickens!

  • SayItWithWookies

    This game show was better when Richard Dawson was hosting.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Downside:100 dead chickens
    Upside: Sheriff's Department barbecue picnic!

  • You liberals are missing the point! Those were trained KILLER ROBOT CHICKEN MEXICANS! They were snuck across the border to create wave after wave of anchor baby pollitos and kill American huevos using aikido! It's a takeover by the Chinese! READ YOUR STOP SIGNS!!!!!!


    Wikipedia is ahead of the game:

    Llovera says his 11-month-old puppy was shot and killed during the raid and that police also killed more than 100 of his roosters.

    Steven Segal: puppy killer!

    • SorosBot

      Steven Seagal IS – Killing Puppies. Coming this August!

      • I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
        That I over-ran with the mower.
        One leg is missing the other is gone.
        The third one is scattered all over the lawn.
        No need explaining the one remaining
        It's splattered on the kitchen door.
        I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
        that I over-ran with the mower.

        I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
        Who died on the kitchen floor.
        One leg is broken, the other is lame,
        The third leg is missing, the fourth needs a cane.
        No need explaining, the tail remaining
        Was caught in the oven door.
        I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
        Who died on the kitchen floor.

  • SexySmurf

    Steven Seagal thought he was Out for Justice, but he learned he's not Above the Law. Now he's Under Siege and on Deadly Ground. This lawsuit will be Hard to Kill. And something about Exit Wounds.

    • Exit Wounds…how I leave this post.

    • All because of a bad Executive Decision.

      • SorosBot

        My favorite Seagall move – all because he gets killed in the first fifteen minutes.

  • metamarcisf

    On the other hand, that Chuck Norris is a class act

    • DaRooster

      On the other hand, that Chuck Norris is a class act

      (plagiarized and fixed)

  • HempDogbane

    The best part was when the naked chick climbed out of the tank, and Seagal acted all nonchalant-like. Or wooden. I think he was known for his wooden-ness.

  • SorosBot

    It's like Seagal has become the real-life version of the bad guy from one of his shitty movies; he's even hooked up with a real life supervillain in Racist Sheriff Joe.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "You're not a cook."
      "Yeah, well… I also cook. "

    • Needz moar Busey

  • Deputies also found medicines, charging Llovera with possession of dangerous drugs, and accessories, like sparring balls.


    Mine seem to get along fine in the same sack…

    • coolhandnuke

      Good thing they didn't arrest him for having medicine balls.

      • "Really, Sally! It's an antibiotic! Just swallow!"

        • DaRooster

          "… and there are loads of protein."

  • elburritodeluxe

    Seagal may have spoken to Llovera and he just didn't hear him.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Congrats, Joe and Steve. You made a person who raises animals to fight to the death look like the good guy.

  • Watch the feathers fly from this wholesale cock up.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "We had to destroy the chickens in order to save them."

    • comrad_darkness

      And they were delicious.

  • nounverb911

    Why does Arpaio hate Jesus Llovera?

  • Doktor Zoom

    OT, but here's a tip for folks considering getting divorced: Even if you have a lawyer, proofread, lest you be snickered at. Just read a file where dad's attorney asserts that the dad (Plaintiff) and mom (Defendant) "[have] one minor daughter, [name & DOB redacted]; in addition, the Defendant has another child who is not the biological child of the Plaintiff but who is psychologically the father to the child, [name & DOB redacted]."

    The poor kid is psychologically her own father? And perhaps her own gram-pa.

    Also, too, there's at least two attorneys in Boise who seem to think that it's fancier to say that two people were "intermarried," rather than plain ol' married. I'm sorry, but you don't get to just dragoon terms from social science that apply to groups of people and make believe they apply to individuals. Unless the plaintiff is the Navajo nation and the defendant is the Hopi tribe, they can't "intermarry."

    • proudgrampa

      Well, I hope she's proud of herself.

    • HistoriCat

      Becoming your own grampa?

      "It's true – I did the nasty in the pasty."

    • not that Dewey

      Obviously the divorce lawyer is a huge Wordsworth fan, and stuck it in there to be "meta".

      • Doktor Zoom

        I like Mom's attorney, who didn't even address the notion of Dad's "psychological" fatherhood. Her answer & counterclaim lists only the one child the couple had together.

  • creation of a reality show…that followed Seagal's exploits as a deputized officer.

    Your move, Shaquille O'Neal ~

  • "I'm not a real cop, but I am a failed actor who plays one in a shitty reality TV show nobody fucking watches, ever."

  • DaRooster

    Shouldn't Llovera have been raising fighting Llamas?

    • HistoriCat

      Did the Fighting Llamas make it into the NCAA tournament this year?

    • not that Dewey

      Lorenzo Lamas? The "poor-man's Stephen Segal"?

    • WIDTAP

      No sir! Llovera has got it right. Chickens don't spit.

    • Llamas son más grandes que ranas.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wow, so there's not really a protagonist in the story? Because I'm pretty sure that I hate everyone involved in this.

    • Someone had to say it.

    • Tommy1733

      Quite true – I sense great literary potential in this little escapade.

    • Veritas78

      The enemy of my enemy is…often an asshole, too.

  • Steven Seagal is people too, my friend!

  • CapeClod

    How did law enforcement get by all these years without being able to use tanks?

  • Terry

    Back when Segal was doing his faux cop thing in Louisiana, the sheriff's department was actually using him well. If a group of people were out in the street fighting, for instance, they'd have Segal walk up to them and strike a pose. One of the combatants would recognize him and yell "Hey, there's Steven Segal!" and everyone would stop fighting to talk to him. Meanwhile, the deputies would be slapping cuffs on them.

    Maybe Segal got bored with that, or he annoyed the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Dept in some way.

  • Guppy

    Seagal: too crazy for Jeff Parish?

  • north_of_moscow

    Dear Mr. Seagal, If you have any desire to turn this dramatic real-life event into your great Hollywood comeback, I know a guy who can help you find a lot of roosters for your movie:

  • metamarcisf

    I'm surprised Seagal can even find the keys to his tank, buried as they are underneath all those Academy Awards.

  • So they killed the animals to save them? How very Republican

  • WiscDad

    For the love of Jesus :) Arpaio says: “If my deputies—or posse man Seagal for that matter—had done something so awful like shooting a family dog, then where are the photos to prove it?”. "posse man Seagal"? What the fuck?

  • Sheriff Joe is 1,000% right on this! People don't know how to handle their cocks! Just the other day, a toddler was pecked to death by a pack of roosters who escaped their barnyard! I saw it on "The Cock Whisperer" on Animal Planet.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Chubby guy like that would have to settle for the Navajo blanket.

  • Guy Montag

    Jesus is a Llovera, not a cock fighter.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    DO NOT mess with a chicken farmer. You send one of his to the rotisserie, he sends one of yours to the fryer.

    • jqheywood

      Reminds me of the Fry-O-Later scene in Scotland, PA.

  • ttommyunger

    I know Ted Nugent is heart-broken having to miss this adventure with his penile-challenged soulmates. Prolly had a scheduling conflict with his dick-stretching consultant. Between the three of them there would have been close to six whole inches of dick in the mix.

  • dadanarchist

    Who knew Above the Law was a documentary?

  • owhatever

    After the raid to save the chickens, they stopped by KFC for a crunchy snack.

  • Veritas78

    I sincerely hope Senor Llovera makes the acquaintance of a good lawyer about now, because both of them are going to be rich. Good move not signing the release. All the footage can be demanded during discovery by the plaintiff. If it somehow goes missing, that's obstruction of justice and it goes from civil to criminal.
    Plus, the Feds currently investigating the Sheriff are no doubt interested in seeing it, too. And this won't be grainy video from some b/w CCT unit that hasn't been dusted in five years — it' probably in HD. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

  • commiegirl

    Back in The Day, Commie Mom had an affair with JD LaRue. One of her several claims to fame.

  • poncho_pilot

    Lard Target.

  • Laura K Perkinson

    Killing the 11 month old puppy? was that part of this stupid reality show? Those have
    gone to far and have only made people jaded as to what is real and what is not!

  • Odd Jørgensen

    Headline should have been. “Man loves cocks, Steven Seagal investigates”.

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