warblogging

Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages

Ha ha 'and many more'After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains — it’s so cool that we’re not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! — your Wonkette has confirmed that this is not an feverish projection of our desires, but an actual email that arrived in our inbox:

Write a message to Mitt and help me wish him a happy birthday:

http://www.mittromney.com/forms/happy-birthday-mitt

Thanks so much!
Ann Romney

You’re welcome! *Cracks knuckles*

Ehhh… pedestrian warblogging, at best. We couldn’t handle the pressure.

Can you, reader?

MUSH, MUSH!

[Mittens]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Beetagger

    The aging process affects the Mitt-Bot? Curious.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      His campaign bio says he became operational on 12 January 1992, in Urbana, Illinois. Yet another Mitt-flop.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I thought replicants only lived 4 years?

    • mehmehmehmeh

      0110100001100001011100000111000001111001001000000110001001101001011100100111010001101000011001000110000101111001 – "happy birthday" in binary. Mitt will appreciate the birthday wishes in his own language, it will remind of his early days as a prototype.

      I don't know to speak in the fever-dream ramblings of a dying old man, so we're out of luck when it comes to Ron Paul's birthday.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      His warranty runs out in 2016, and folks are getting nervous.

      • Guppy

        Is his hair still covered, or is it just his powertrain at this point?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Mitt and his wife will continue their romantic birthday tradition of exchanging Mexicans today.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Here hon, I got you a chauffeur."
      "Oh, how sweet … look, I got one for you too!"

      "Hahaha!"

      • HipHop0Potamus

        Just one chauffeur? She has at least two Cadillacs that need drivers.

      • DeathofKoalas

        Oh darling, thank you, it's just the right height…

        • extreme_left

          ..and it matches the drapes perfectly, such taste you have sweetheart.

  • Baconzgood

    TEE-HEE

    "Cum Play nos"

    Is that like that Miggs and Jodi Foster?

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Bite yer tung.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Happy birthday Mitt. And fuck you.

  • Schmannnity

    Mitt, you big, lovable lug, what do you get for a guy who has everything times 250,000,000?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      A tax break.

    • Biff

      A script and an acting coach.

  • Terry

    Of course he's going to get a lot of wishes from Mexico. He's related to a slew of people in those Mormon polygamous compounds down there.

    • comrad_darkness

      If it's like most religious cult compounds, he's related to literally all of them.

      • Barrelhse

        Katy.

  • Baconzgood

    Dear Mitt,

    Can you do somthing about Baconzgood trolling Ask A Morman?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      /snark

      My wife made breakfast for dinner last night. Multiple time, I called your name out. Pronounced the "z" and everything.

      BAY-cun-ZEE-good.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        I think breakfast served at dinnertime might be one of the best self-indulgences ever dreamed up by a pauper like myself who must've invented the idea for lack of dining-out funds, and to "spice up" the routine a little.

      • Baconzgood

        It's nice to be part of lexicon. Now if I can just put myself in a situation where I can say "Keep Fucking That Chicken"….That reminds me. I haven't been In West Virginia in awhile.

  • memzilla

    Show us the birf certificate, you long-form poopbag of vulturian entitlement.

    • DarwinianDemon

      Or at least the Warrenty Card!

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        You better check the warranty. He was made in America.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        I'd settle for a Maintenence Schedule!

    • comrad_darkness

      His father was an illegal from Mexico, so yeah, bring it on!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    A Pisces like JohnnyZhivago! Plus-1 for Mittens!

    This changes everything! My level of total disdain for the guy has gone down a tiny notch.

  • Doktor Zoom

    This will be a nice change for Mitt. He doesn't usually get greeting cards, although he has several friends who own publishing companies that have greeting card divisions.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      When he gets a Hallmark Card, it really is from Hallmark.

  • DarwinianDemon

    "Happy Birthday" are not the words I would have chosen.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Happy Birthday, Slut.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Would "Choose Sarah as your Veep, just to keep on the safe side" be better?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Happy Birthday, Mitt. Why don't you celebrate by firing some of the people who give you services? You enjoy that. Treat yourself. It's your special day, after all.

  • JackDempsey1

    "A donation of $1 has been made in your name to the ASPCA."

    • ChernobylSoup

      I'll see your ASPCA and raise you an AFSCME.

      • memzilla

        Hey, you got SEIU all over my AFSCME.

  • tessiee

    Now Mittens is just the right age.

  • memzilla

    Dear Mitt:

    This November, I hope Obama kicks you right in the tabernacles.

  • SkinnyNerd

    Human. Birthday. Must. Be. Celebrated. Stop. Must. Log. In. to. Main. Systems. To. Update. Aging. Patch. Stop.

    • memzilla

      Before you patch the Mittbot, you have to disable AutoPander™.

  • Goonemeritus

    Happy Birthday Mitt, Just thought I drop you a note to thank you for your leadership on healthcare. I really appreciate you providing a State model for a National solution.

    • nirrti_rachelle

      Don't you mean, "Final Solution"?

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        *ahem* "Death Panels". Stick to your playbook.

        • nirrti_rachelle

          "Death Panels", "Final Solution", "Scary Black Man in Office", it's all the same….

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Know who else shares a birthday with a Mormon?

    (I'm not going to spoil this one, as a courtesy.)

    • nirrti_rachelle

      Donny and Marie?

    • memzilla

      Clement Studebaker! (1831)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Today is Ron Jeremy's 59th birthday.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        And he's just the right length.

    • Callyson

      1945 – Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, American gangster http://www.historyorb.com/birthdays/march/12

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Im gonna go ahead and wait three months and celebrate his conception instead.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Romneymas is the worst. I like to just go out for Chinese food instead.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Harpy Birthday, Mittens. Isn't it about time to start making fun of the other candidate's hair?

    You're campaigning for president, for Pete's sake.

  • neiltheblaze

    Mitt's going to celebrate by having TWO cups of Ovaltine this morning!

    • nirrti_rachelle

      Um, I don't think that's Ovaltine in those cups….

  • Steverino247

    If Mitt is elected, we're going to see the first true test of Asimov's Laws of Robotics.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think he flunked that test at Bain Capital. Then again, if he's had regular software updates and security patches since then, maybe we'll luck out.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I, Mittbot

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Congratulations to the Mitt-Bot Corporation on the anniversary of its incorporation.

    Love, the Chamber of Commerce.

  • comrad_darkness

    Happy Birthday dad! — your virtual son Torchh who is waiting to meet you on the family planet after you all die.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Jim, how did you get a screenshot of Sarah Palin's b-day message?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Today, he celebrates by getting a one-tiered cake, for the first time, ever. And he's only burning one candle, to empathize, you know, with the poors.

  • Schmannnity

    Happy Birthday! Warm wishes from the management and staff, Gemeinschaft Bank, Zurich.

  • UW8316154

    Happy 65th, Mitt! Poster child for means-testing of social security benefits!

  • AbandonHope

    I'm so tired this morning, when I sleepily read that article I actually hallucinated Wonkette's editors telling everybody to be civil when posting their comments.

    • LetUsBray

      Fuck that shit.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Mitt, you deserve everything coming to you in this another year toiling for your Moronical Overlords.

    Oh, and happy b-day two weeks in advance to that other, non-Mannequin, Who-Will-Be-Our-First-Mormon-Presidential-Hopeful Jon Huntsman.

  • UW8316154

    Do you know who ELSE has a birthday on March 12th?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Those promiscuous lesbian Girl Scouts

      • Guppy

        pics prz

    • BaldarTFlagass

      As noted above, Ron Jeremy.
      Also, Mustafa Kemal. Brrr.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Harry Harrison, who wrote about a different Stainless Steel Rat?

      • Steverino247

        I went to middle school with his son. Weirdest kid I've ever known. None of us could ever figure out what was wrong with him, but something was seriously off. Must have had a brutal childhood. We didn't torment him because it was obvious that he came pre-tormented.

    • DCBloom

      Today is also Jack Kerouac's birthday. Kinda throws astrology out the window. These two have nothing in common.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Strange adventures on the road, maybe.

      • UW8316154

        Put Liza Minnelli in the mix and you have to wonder, which one is from space?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Al Jarreau?

  • VinnyThePooh

    He's a really big asshole
    He's a really big asshole
    He's a really big asshole
    Which nobody can deny

  • SorosBot

    Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday to you,
    You look like an out-of-touch rich plutocrat,
    And you need a kick in the balls too!

    • redarmyzombie

      Aaannnd manyyyy mooorrrre…

  • metamarcisf

    Time to strap the birthday cake to the top of the car

  • SkinnyNerd

    Mitt,

    Does the Mormon calendar coincide with the Christian one?

    Yours,
    Alabama primary voter, see you Tuesday!

    • DarwinianDemon

      I read somewhere the good people of alabama and mississippi are showing mitt in the lead. Looks like it's over for Santorum unless he can blow up Mitt's CPU by asking him to repeat the phrase "everything I say is a lie. I am lying now."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'll send my message in a form Rombot actually understands:
    10010111011000100011111010001000011100101012

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      It is impermissible to snark in binary…

      …with a "two" at the end.

      • doloras

        "There's no such thing as a 2." – Philip J. Fry

  • PubOption

    Today he can stop considering himself unemployed, and start being retired.

    • Biff

      He'll probably wait 2 more years, to maximize his SS return.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillatte

    How old is Mitt in Seamus years?

  • chascates

    Mitt hasn't sent me a birthday greeting in years so fuck him.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Whaa? His calendar program shorted out and dumped the birthday data years ago! Cut a robot some slack!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hell, Mitt's website wouldn't even let me send him a birthday greeting — I guess not everybody is allowed to eat cake.

    • DarwinianDemon

      You must type like a poor

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Fuck off, asshole.

    – dead baptized holocaust survivors.

    • doloras

      You misspelled "באַרען אַוועק, אַסכאָול". Hope this helps.

  • CapeClod

    Mitt, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with all the genuine candor that you have used to stake out your position on the issues.

  • Abernathy

    I'd bet $10,000 that one of the "Feliz Cumpleanos" is from Quality Control Inspector 5, who couldn't bring himself to put the babybot Mitt down, all those years ago in that robot factory in Mexico, despite Mitt's fatal manufacturing flaws.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Hey, that font looks like the ITT Tech logo. Does Bain Capital own that too?

    IS THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT, MITT? NOT NICE.

  • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

    Hmmm, what do you get a guy who has everything? How about the Presidency?

    • Biff

      No, he must buy that on his own.

  • Limeylizzie

    Happy Birthday Mitt!
    Time to change the magic underwear.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In honor of Mitt's birf-ghey, I have composed a very special poem:

    There once was a robot named Mitt
    Whose topless pic caused quite a snit.
    His sons, in that shot
    It was said, ate much cock
    While their father was just full of shit.

    Thank you. This way to the wine-and-cheese reception.

  • ExecutorElassus

    Boooo! Where is the genius that beset the "I am ____ the _______" website with inhoerent hilarity and ended up getting the whole stupid thing shut down? I AM DISAPPOINT.

  • proudgrampa

    "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Mittbot 9000. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of March 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. "

    Robots are manufactured, not "born."

  • Callyson

    Happy Birthday, Mittens…I hope you enjoy next year's birthday as a nice, quiet private citizen…

  • BlueStateLibel

    Wishing you many happy firmware upgrades Mitt!

  • DahBoner

    Catoctin

    Bless you!

    P.S. When it gits real cold, I likes to wear feliz

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Doesn't anyone call him Marriott? Now there's a name that regular folks can relate to. Not. Poor little rich boy/ robot was doomed from the start.

  • ttommyunger

    " It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney…" Home?

  • gullywompr

    Jim, ix-nay on the atoctin-cay.

  • RadioStalingrad

    I hope he gets a puppy….oh wait, nooooooo.

  • LionHeartSoyDog

    "Talk Murkan, yez bastid.
    usa!usa!111!"

    – Felix Complaino

  • fuflans

    happy birthday mittens,

    love, kansas.

  • DaRooster

    Sorry, I sent all of my birthday greetings overseas…

  • lochnessmonster

    Well, they asked for it!

  • extreme_left

    i axed who dus iz hair? seems that style is just waiting to make it big.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Gingrich slipped some gag relightable candles on the cake, I'm sure.

    Santorum frosted it.

  • redarmyzombie

    Say, would anyone happen to remember the name of that website that takes dead Mormons and converts them to homosexuals? I feel this would be an appropriate time to use it.

  • 12X34X

    For Mittens, the jobs murdering, baptizer – of – the -dead, dog torturer,

    Happy Birthday!