WARBLOGGING  9:00 am March 12, 2012

Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages

by Jim Newell

Ha ha 'and many more'After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains — it’s so cool that we’re not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! — your Wonkette has confirmed that this is not an feverish projection of our desires, but an actual email that arrived in our inbox:

Write a message to Mitt and help me wish him a happy birthday:

http://www.mittromney.com/forms/happy-birthday-mitt

Thanks so much!
Ann Romney

You’re welcome! *Cracks knuckles*

Ehhh… pedestrian warblogging, at best. We couldn’t handle the pressure.

Can you, reader?

MUSH, MUSH!

[Mittens]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 122 comments }

Beetagger March 12, 2012 at 9:05 am

The aging process affects the Mitt-Bot? Curious.

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

His campaign bio says he became operational on 12 January 1992, in Urbana, Illinois. Yet another Mitt-flop.

OneDollarJuana March 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

I thought replicants only lived 4 years?

mehmehmehmeh March 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

0110100001100001011100000111000001111001001000000110001001101001011100100111010001101000011001000110000101111001 – "happy birthday" in binary. Mitt will appreciate the birthday wishes in his own language, it will remind of his early days as a prototype.

I don't know to speak in the fever-dream ramblings of a dying old man, so we're out of luck when it comes to Ron Paul's birthday.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

His warranty runs out in 2016, and folks are getting nervous.

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 10:50 am

Is his hair still covered, or is it just his powertrain at this point?

ChernobylSoup March 12, 2012 at 9:06 am

Mitt and his wife will continue their romantic birthday tradition of exchanging Mexicans today.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

"Here hon, I got you a chauffeur."
"Oh, how sweet … look, I got one for you too!"

"Hahaha!"

HipHop0Potamus March 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

Just one chauffeur? She has at least two Cadillacs that need drivers.

DeathofKoalas March 12, 2012 at 11:08 am

Oh darling, thank you, it's just the right height…

extreme_left March 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm

..and it matches the drapes perfectly, such taste you have sweetheart.

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 9:07 am

TEE-HEE

"Cum Play nos"

Is that like that Miggs and Jodi Foster?

LionHeartSoyDog March 12, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Bite yer tung.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 9:10 am

Happy birthday Mitt. And fuck you.

Schmannnity March 12, 2012 at 9:14 am

Mitt, you big, lovable lug, what do you get for a guy who has everything times 250,000,000?

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

A tax break.

Biff March 12, 2012 at 10:29 am

A script and an acting coach.

Terry March 12, 2012 at 9:14 am

Of course he's going to get a lot of wishes from Mexico. He's related to a slew of people in those Mormon polygamous compounds down there.

comrad_darkness March 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

If it's like most religious cult compounds, he's related to literally all of them.

Barrelhse March 12, 2012 at 10:00 am

Katy.

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 9:14 am

Dear Mitt,

Can you do somthing about Baconzgood trolling Ask A Morman?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

/snark

My wife made breakfast for dinner last night. Multiple time, I called your name out. Pronounced the "z" and everything.

BAY-cun-ZEE-good.

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

I think breakfast served at dinnertime might be one of the best self-indulgences ever dreamed up by a pauper like myself who must've invented the idea for lack of dining-out funds, and to "spice up" the routine a little.

Baconzgood March 12, 2012 at 10:01 am

It's nice to be part of lexicon. Now if I can just put myself in a situation where I can say "Keep Fucking That Chicken"….That reminds me. I haven't been In West Virginia in awhile.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 9:17 am

Show us the birf certificate, you long-form poopbag of vulturian entitlement.

DarwinianDemon March 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

Or at least the Warrenty Card!

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

You better check the warranty. He was made in America.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

I'd settle for a Maintenence Schedule!

comrad_darkness March 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

His father was an illegal from Mexico, so yeah, bring it on!

johnnyzhivago March 12, 2012 at 9:19 am

A Pisces like JohnnyZhivago! Plus-1 for Mittens!

This changes everything! My level of total disdain for the guy has gone down a tiny notch.

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 9:20 am

This will be a nice change for Mitt. He doesn't usually get greeting cards, although he has several friends who own publishing companies that have greeting card divisions.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 10:00 am

When he gets a Hallmark Card, it really is from Hallmark.

DarwinianDemon March 12, 2012 at 9:20 am

"Happy Birthday" are not the words I would have chosen.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Happy Birthday, Slut.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

Would "Choose Sarah as your Veep, just to keep on the safe side" be better?

PuckStopsHere March 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

Happy Birthday, Mitt. Why don't you celebrate by firing some of the people who give you services? You enjoy that. Treat yourself. It's your special day, after all.

JackDempsey1 March 12, 2012 at 9:22 am

"A donation of $1 has been made in your name to the ASPCA."

ChernobylSoup March 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

I'll see your ASPCA and raise you an AFSCME.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

Hey, you got SEIU all over my AFSCME.

tessiee March 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

Now Mittens is just the right age.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

Dear Mitt:

This November, I hope Obama kicks you right in the tabernacles.

SkinnyNerd March 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

Human. Birthday. Must. Be. Celebrated. Stop. Must. Log. In. to. Main. Systems. To. Update. Aging. Patch. Stop.

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

Before you patch the Mittbot, you have to disable AutoPander™.

Goonemeritus March 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

Happy Birthday Mitt, Just thought I drop you a note to thank you for your leadership on healthcare. I really appreciate you providing a State model for a National solution.

nirrti_rachelle March 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

Don't you mean, "Final Solution"?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

*ahem* "Death Panels". Stick to your playbook.

nirrti_rachelle March 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

"Death Panels", "Final Solution", "Scary Black Man in Office", it's all the same….

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

Know who else shares a birthday with a Mormon?

(I'm not going to spoil this one, as a courtesy.)

nirrti_rachelle March 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Donny and Marie?

memzilla March 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Clement Studebaker! (1831)

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

Today is Ron Jeremy's 59th birthday.

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

And he's just the right length.

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

1945 – Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, American gangster http://www.historyorb.com/birthdays/march/12

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

Im gonna go ahead and wait three months and celebrate his conception instead.

IceCreamEmpress March 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Romneymas is the worst. I like to just go out for Chinese food instead.

ThankYouJeebus March 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

Harpy Birthday, Mittens. Isn't it about time to start making fun of the other candidate's hair?

You're campaigning for president, for Pete's sake.

neiltheblaze March 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

Mitt's going to celebrate by having TWO cups of Ovaltine this morning!

nirrti_rachelle March 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

Um, I don't think that's Ovaltine in those cups….

Steverino247 March 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

If Mitt is elected, we're going to see the first true test of Asimov's Laws of Robotics.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 12, 2012 at 10:05 am

I think he flunked that test at Bain Capital. Then again, if he's had regular software updates and security patches since then, maybe we'll luck out.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 10:06 am

I, Mittbot

EatsBabyDingos March 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Congratulations to the Mitt-Bot Corporation on the anniversary of its incorporation.

Love, the Chamber of Commerce.

comrad_darkness March 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Happy Birthday dad! — your virtual son Torchh who is waiting to meet you on the family planet after you all die.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Jim, how did you get a screenshot of Sarah Palin's b-day message?

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

Today, he celebrates by getting a one-tiered cake, for the first time, ever. And he's only burning one candle, to empathize, you know, with the poors.

Schmannnity March 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Happy Birthday! Warm wishes from the management and staff, Gemeinschaft Bank, Zurich.

UW8316154 March 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

Happy 65th, Mitt! Poster child for means-testing of social security benefits!

AbandonHope March 12, 2012 at 9:45 am

I'm so tired this morning, when I sleepily read that article I actually hallucinated Wonkette's editors telling everybody to be civil when posting their comments.

LetUsBray March 12, 2012 at 9:50 am

Fuck that shit.

Mumbletypeg March 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

Mitt, you deserve everything coming to you in this another year toiling for your Moronical Overlords.

Oh, and happy b-day two weeks in advance to that other, non-Mannequin, Who-Will-Be-Our-First-Mormon-Presidential-Hopeful Jon Huntsman.

UW8316154 March 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

Do you know who ELSE has a birthday on March 12th?

FlownOver March 12, 2012 at 9:50 am

Those promiscuous lesbian Girl Scouts

Guppy March 12, 2012 at 10:53 am

pics prz

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

As noted above, Ron Jeremy.
Also, Mustafa Kemal. Brrr.

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 10:33 am

Harry Harrison, who wrote about a different Stainless Steel Rat?

Steverino247 March 12, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I went to middle school with his son. Weirdest kid I've ever known. None of us could ever figure out what was wrong with him, but something was seriously off. Must have had a brutal childhood. We didn't torment him because it was obvious that he came pre-tormented.

DCBloom March 12, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Today is also Jack Kerouac's birthday. Kinda throws astrology out the window. These two have nothing in common.

Doktor Zoom March 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Strange adventures on the road, maybe.

UW8316154 March 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Put Liza Minnelli in the mix and you have to wonder, which one is from space?

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Al Jarreau?

VinnyThePooh March 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

He's a really big asshole
He's a really big asshole
He's a really big asshole
Which nobody can deny

SorosBot March 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like an out-of-touch rich plutocrat,
And you need a kick in the balls too!

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 2:44 am

Aaannnd manyyyy mooorrrre…

metamarcisf March 12, 2012 at 9:50 am

Time to strap the birthday cake to the top of the car

SkinnyNerd March 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

Mitt,

Does the Mormon calendar coincide with the Christian one?

Yours,
Alabama primary voter, see you Tuesday!

DarwinianDemon March 12, 2012 at 10:04 am

I read somewhere the good people of alabama and mississippi are showing mitt in the lead. Looks like it's over for Santorum unless he can blow up Mitt's CPU by asking him to repeat the phrase "everything I say is a lie. I am lying now."

ManchuCandidate March 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

I'll send my message in a form Rombot actually understands:
10010111011000100011111010001000011100101012

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

It is impermissible to snark in binary…

…with a "two" at the end.

doloras March 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

"There's no such thing as a 2." – Philip J. Fry

PubOption March 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

Today he can stop considering himself unemployed, and start being retired.

Biff March 12, 2012 at 10:57 am

He'll probably wait 2 more years, to maximize his SS return.

Chillatte March 12, 2012 at 9:56 am

How old is Mitt in Seamus years?

chascates March 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

Mitt hasn't sent me a birthday greeting in years so fuck him.

Designer_Rants March 12, 2012 at 10:09 am

Whaa? His calendar program shorted out and dumped the birthday data years ago! Cut a robot some slack!

SayItWithWookies March 12, 2012 at 10:05 am

Hell, Mitt's website wouldn't even let me send him a birthday greeting — I guess not everybody is allowed to eat cake.

DarwinianDemon March 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

You must type like a poor

starfanglednut March 12, 2012 at 10:08 am

Fuck off, asshole.

- dead baptized holocaust survivors.

doloras March 12, 2012 at 6:14 pm

You misspelled "באַרען אַוועק, אַסכאָול". Hope this helps.

CapeClod March 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Mitt, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with all the genuine candor that you have used to stake out your position on the issues.

Abernathy March 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

I'd bet $10,000 that one of the "Feliz Cumpleanos" is from Quality Control Inspector 5, who couldn't bring himself to put the babybot Mitt down, all those years ago in that robot factory in Mexico, despite Mitt's fatal manufacturing flaws.

KeepFnThatChicken March 12, 2012 at 10:21 am

Hey, that font looks like the ITT Tech logo. Does Bain Capital own that too?

IS THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT, MITT? NOT NICE.

EloquentScience March 12, 2012 at 10:24 am

Hmmm, what do you get a guy who has everything? How about the Presidency?

Biff March 12, 2012 at 11:44 am

No, he must buy that on his own.

Limeylizzie March 12, 2012 at 10:29 am

Happy Birthday Mitt!
Time to change the magic underwear.

elviouslyqueer March 12, 2012 at 10:35 am

In honor of Mitt's birf-ghey, I have composed a very special poem:

There once was a robot named Mitt
Whose topless pic caused quite a snit.
His sons, in that shot
It was said, ate much cock
While their father was just full of shit.

Thank you. This way to the wine-and-cheese reception.

ExecutorElassus March 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

Boooo! Where is the genius that beset the "I am ____ the _______" website with inhoerent hilarity and ended up getting the whole stupid thing shut down? I AM DISAPPOINT.

proudgrampa March 12, 2012 at 11:04 am

"Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Mittbot 9000. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of March 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. "

Robots are manufactured, not "born."

Callyson March 12, 2012 at 11:05 am

Happy Birthday, Mittens…I hope you enjoy next year's birthday as a nice, quiet private citizen…

BlueStateLibel March 12, 2012 at 11:23 am

Wishing you many happy firmware upgrades Mitt!

DahBoner March 12, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Catoctin

Bless you!

P.S. When it gits real cold, I likes to wear feliz

Rosie_Scenario March 12, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Doesn't anyone call him Marriott? Now there's a name that regular folks can relate to. Not. Poor little rich boy/ robot was doomed from the start.

ttommyunger March 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm

" It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney…" Home?

gullywompr March 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Jim, ix-nay on the atoctin-cay.

RadioStalingrad March 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I hope he gets a puppy….oh wait, nooooooo.

LionHeartSoyDog March 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

"Talk Murkan, yez bastid.
usa!usa!111!"

- Felix Complaino

fuflans March 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

happy birthday mittens,

love, kansas.

DaRooster March 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Sorry, I sent all of my birthday greetings overseas…

lochnessmonster March 12, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Well, they asked for it!

extreme_left March 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

i axed who dus iz hair? seems that style is just waiting to make it big.

horsedreamer_1 March 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Gingrich slipped some gag relightable candles on the cake, I'm sure.

Santorum frosted it.

redarmyzombie March 13, 2012 at 2:47 am

Say, would anyone happen to remember the name of that website that takes dead Mormons and converts them to homosexuals? I feel this would be an appropriate time to use it.

12X34X March 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

For Mittens, the jobs murdering, baptizer – of – the -dead, dog torturer,

Happy Birthday!

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