After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains — it’s so cool that we’re not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! — your Wonkette has confirmed that this is not an feverish projection of our desires, but an actual email that arrived in our inbox:
Write a message to Mitt and help me wish him a happy birthday:
http://www.mittromney.com/forms/happy-birthday-mitt
Thanks so much!
Ann Romney
You’re welcome! *Cracks knuckles*
Ehhh… pedestrian warblogging, at best. We couldn’t handle the pressure.
Can you, reader?
[Mittens]
{ 122 comments }
The aging process affects the Mitt-Bot? Curious.
His campaign bio says he became operational on 12 January 1992, in Urbana, Illinois. Yet another Mitt-flop.
I thought replicants only lived 4 years?
0110100001100001011100000111000001111001001000000110001001101001011100100111010001101000011001000110000101111001 – "happy birthday" in binary. Mitt will appreciate the birthday wishes in his own language, it will remind of his early days as a prototype.
I don't know to speak in the fever-dream ramblings of a dying old man, so we're out of luck when it comes to Ron Paul's birthday.
His warranty runs out in 2016, and folks are getting nervous.
Is his hair still covered, or is it just his powertrain at this point?
Mitt and his wife will continue their romantic birthday tradition of exchanging Mexicans today.
"Here hon, I got you a chauffeur."
"Oh, how sweet … look, I got one for you too!"
"Hahaha!"
Just one chauffeur? She has at least two Cadillacs that need drivers.
Oh darling, thank you, it's just the right height…
..and it matches the drapes perfectly, such taste you have sweetheart.
TEE-HEE
"Cum Play nos"
Is that like that Miggs and Jodi Foster?
Bite yer tung.
Happy birthday Mitt. And fuck you.
Mitt, you big, lovable lug, what do you get for a guy who has everything times 250,000,000?
A tax break.
A script and an acting coach.
Of course he's going to get a lot of wishes from Mexico. He's related to a slew of people in those Mormon polygamous compounds down there.
If it's like most religious cult compounds, he's related to literally all of them.
Katy.
Dear Mitt,
Can you do somthing about Baconzgood trolling Ask A Morman?
/snark
My wife made breakfast for dinner last night. Multiple time, I called your name out. Pronounced the "z" and everything.
BAY-cun-ZEE-good.
I think breakfast served at dinnertime might be one of the best self-indulgences ever dreamed up by a pauper like myself who must've invented the idea for lack of dining-out funds, and to "spice up" the routine a little.
It's nice to be part of lexicon. Now if I can just put myself in a situation where I can say "Keep Fucking That Chicken"….That reminds me. I haven't been In West Virginia in awhile.
Show us the birf certificate, you long-form poopbag of vulturian entitlement.
Or at least the Warrenty Card!
You better check the warranty. He was made in America.
I'd settle for a Maintenence Schedule!
His father was an illegal from Mexico, so yeah, bring it on!
A Pisces like JohnnyZhivago! Plus-1 for Mittens!
This changes everything! My level of total disdain for the guy has gone down a tiny notch.
This will be a nice change for Mitt. He doesn't usually get greeting cards, although he has several friends who own publishing companies that have greeting card divisions.
When he gets a Hallmark Card, it really is from Hallmark.
"Happy Birthday" are not the words I would have chosen.
Happy Birthday, Slut.
Would "Choose Sarah as your Veep, just to keep on the safe side" be better?
Happy Birthday, Mitt. Why don't you celebrate by firing some of the people who give you services? You enjoy that. Treat yourself. It's your special day, after all.
"A donation of $1 has been made in your name to the ASPCA."
I'll see your ASPCA and raise you an AFSCME.
Hey, you got SEIU all over my AFSCME.
Now Mittens is just the right age.
Dear Mitt:
This November, I hope Obama kicks you right in the tabernacles.
Human. Birthday. Must. Be. Celebrated. Stop. Must. Log. In. to. Main. Systems. To. Update. Aging. Patch. Stop.
Before you patch the Mittbot, you have to disable AutoPander™.
Happy Birthday Mitt, Just thought I drop you a note to thank you for your leadership on healthcare. I really appreciate you providing a State model for a National solution.
Don't you mean, "Final Solution"?
*ahem* "Death Panels". Stick to your playbook.
"Death Panels", "Final Solution", "Scary Black Man in Office", it's all the same….
Know who else shares a birthday with a Mor
mon?(I'm not going to spoil this one, as a courtesy.)
Donny and Marie?
Clement Studebaker! (1831)
Today is Ron Jeremy's 59th birthday.
And he's just the right length.
1945 – Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, American gangster http://www.historyorb.com/birthdays/march/12
Im gonna go ahead and wait three months and celebrate his conception instead.
Romneymas is the worst. I like to just go out for Chinese food instead.
Harpy Birthday, Mittens. Isn't it about time to start making fun of the other candidate's hair?
You're campaigning for president, for Pete's sake.
Mitt's going to celebrate by having TWO cups of Ovaltine this morning!
Um, I don't think that's Ovaltine in those cups….
If Mitt is elected, we're going to see the first true test of Asimov's Laws of Robotics.
I think he flunked that test at Bain Capital. Then again, if he's had regular software updates and security patches since then, maybe we'll luck out.
I, Mittbot
Congratulations to the Mitt-Bot Corporation on the anniversary of its incorporation.
Love, the Chamber of Commerce.
Happy Birthday dad! — your virtual son Torchh who is waiting to meet you on the family planet after you all die.
Jim, how did you get a screenshot of Sarah Palin's b-day message?
Today, he celebrates by getting a one-tiered cake, for the first time, ever. And he's only burning one candle, to empathize, you know, with the poors.
Happy Birthday! Warm wishes from the management and staff, Gemeinschaft Bank, Zurich.
Happy 65th, Mitt! Poster child for means-testing of social security benefits!
I'm so tired this morning, when I sleepily read that article I actually hallucinated Wonkette's editors telling everybody to be civil when posting their comments.
Fuck that shit.
Mitt, you deserve everything coming to you in this another year toiling for your Moronical Overlords.
Oh, and happy b-day two weeks in advance to that other, non-Mannequin, Who-Will-Be-Our-First-Mormon-Presidential-Hopeful Jon Huntsman.
Do you know who ELSE has a birthday on March 12th?
Those promiscuous lesbian Girl Scouts
pics prz
As noted above, Ron Jeremy.
Also, Mustafa Kemal. Brrr.
Harry Harrison, who wrote about a different Stainless Steel Rat?
I went to middle school with his son. Weirdest kid I've ever known. None of us could ever figure out what was wrong with him, but something was seriously off. Must have had a brutal childhood. We didn't torment him because it was obvious that he came pre-tormented.
Today is also Jack Kerouac's birthday. Kinda throws astrology out the window. These two have nothing in common.
Strange adventures on the road, maybe.
Put Liza Minnelli in the mix and you have to wonder, which one is from space?
Al Jarreau?
He's a really big asshole
He's a really big asshole
He's a really big asshole
Which nobody can deny
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like an out-of-touch rich plutocrat,
And you need a kick in the balls too!
Aaannnd manyyyy mooorrrre…
Time to strap the birthday cake to the top of the car
Mitt,
Does the Mormon calendar coincide with the Christian one?
Yours,
Alabama primary voter, see you Tuesday!
I read somewhere the good people of alabama and mississippi are showing mitt in the lead. Looks like it's over for Santorum unless he can blow up Mitt's CPU by asking him to repeat the phrase "everything I say is a lie. I am lying now."
I'll send my message in a form Rombot actually understands:
10010111011000100011111010001000011100101012
It is impermissible to snark in binary…
…with a "two" at the end.
"There's no such thing as a 2." – Philip J. Fry
Today he can stop considering himself unemployed, and start being retired.
He'll probably wait 2 more years, to maximize his SS return.
How old is Mitt in Seamus years?
Mitt hasn't sent me a birthday greeting in years so fuck him.
Whaa? His calendar program shorted out and dumped the birthday data years ago! Cut a robot some slack!
Hell, Mitt's website wouldn't even let me send him a birthday greeting — I guess not everybody is allowed to eat cake.
You must type like a poor
Fuck off, asshole.
- dead baptized holocaust survivors.
You misspelled "באַרען אַוועק, אַסכאָול". Hope this helps.
Mitt, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with all the genuine candor that you have used to stake out your position on the issues.
I'd bet $10,000 that one of the "Feliz Cumpleanos" is from Quality Control Inspector 5, who couldn't bring himself to put the babybot Mitt down, all those years ago in that robot factory in Mexico, despite Mitt's fatal manufacturing flaws.
Hey, that font looks like the ITT Tech logo. Does Bain Capital own that too?
IS THIS PRODUCT PLACEMENT, MITT? NOT NICE.
Hmmm, what do you get a guy who has everything? How about the Presidency?
No, he must buy that on his own.
Happy Birthday Mitt!
Time to change the magic underwear.
In honor of Mitt's birf-ghey, I have composed a very special poem:
There once was a robot named Mitt
Whose topless pic caused quite a snit.
His sons, in that shot
It was said, ate much cock
While their father was just full of shit.
Thank you. This way to the wine-and-cheese reception.
Boooo! Where is the genius that beset the "I am ____ the _______" website with inhoerent hilarity and ended up getting the whole stupid thing shut down? I AM DISAPPOINT.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Mittbot 9000. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of March 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. "
Robots are manufactured, not "born."
Happy Birthday, Mittens…I hope you enjoy next year's birthday as a nice, quiet private citizen…
Wishing you many happy firmware upgrades Mitt!
Catoctin
Bless you!
P.S. When it gits real cold, I likes to wear feliz…
Doesn't anyone call him Marriott? Now there's a name that regular folks can relate to. Not. Poor little rich boy/ robot was doomed from the start.
" It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney…" Home?
Jim, ix-nay on the atoctin-cay.
I hope he gets a puppy….oh wait, nooooooo.
"Talk Murkan, yez bastid.
usa!usa!111!"
- Felix Complaino
happy birthday mittens,
love, kansas.
Sorry, I sent all of my birthday greetings overseas…
Well, they asked for it!
i axed who dus iz hair? seems that style is just waiting to make it big.
Gingrich slipped some gag relightable candles on the cake, I'm sure.
Santorum frosted it.
Say, would anyone happen to remember the name of that website that takes dead Mormons and converts them to homosexuals? I feel this would be an appropriate time to use it.
For Mittens, the jobs murdering, baptizer – of – the -dead, dog torturer,
Happy Birthday!
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