Game Faces, People: It’s Time To Send Mitt Romney Birthday Messages

Ha ha 'and many more'After a weekend spend conducting thorough state-of-the-art forensic tests at a Defense Dept. tech lab deep under the Catoctin mountains — it’s so cool that we’re not even allowed to tell anyone it exists! — your Wonkette has confirmed that this is not an feverish projection of our desires, but an actual email that arrived in our inbox:

Write a message to Mitt and help me wish him a happy birthday:


Thanks so much!
Ann Romney

You’re welcome! *Cracks knuckles*

Ehhh… pedestrian warblogging, at best. We couldn’t handle the pressure.

Can you, reader?



About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. mehmehmehmeh

      0110100001100001011100000111000001111001001000000110001001101001011100100111010001101000011001000110000101111001 – "happy birthday" in binary. Mitt will appreciate the birthday wishes in his own language, it will remind of his early days as a prototype.

      I don't know to speak in the fever-dream ramblings of a dying old man, so we're out of luck when it comes to Ron Paul's birthday.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Mitt and his wife will continue their romantic birthday tradition of exchanging Mexicans today.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Here hon, I got you a chauffeur."
      "Oh, how sweet … look, I got one for you too!"


  2. Schmannnity

    Mitt, you big, lovable lug, what do you get for a guy who has everything times 250,000,000?

  3. Terry

    Of course he's going to get a lot of wishes from Mexico. He's related to a slew of people in those Mormon polygamous compounds down there.

    1. comrad_darkness

      If it's like most religious cult compounds, he's related to literally all of them.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken


      My wife made breakfast for dinner last night. Multiple time, I called your name out. Pronounced the "z" and everything.


      1. Mumbletypeg

        I think breakfast served at dinnertime might be one of the best self-indulgences ever dreamed up by a pauper like myself who must've invented the idea for lack of dining-out funds, and to "spice up" the routine a little.

      2. Baconzgood

        It's nice to be part of lexicon. Now if I can just put myself in a situation where I can say "Keep Fucking That Chicken"….That reminds me. I haven't been In West Virginia in awhile.

  4. Doktor Zoom

    This will be a nice change for Mitt. He doesn't usually get greeting cards, although he has several friends who own publishing companies that have greeting card divisions.

  5. PuckStopsHere

    Happy Birthday, Mitt. Why don't you celebrate by firing some of the people who give you services? You enjoy that. Treat yourself. It's your special day, after all.

  6. SkinnyNerd

    Human. Birthday. Must. Be. Celebrated. Stop. Must. Log. In. to. Main. Systems. To. Update. Aging. Patch. Stop.

  7. Goonemeritus

    Happy Birthday Mitt, Just thought I drop you a note to thank you for your leadership on healthcare. I really appreciate you providing a State model for a National solution.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    Know who else shares a birthday with a Mormon?

    (I'm not going to spoil this one, as a courtesy.)

  9. ThankYouJeebus

    Harpy Birthday, Mittens. Isn't it about time to start making fun of the other candidate's hair?

    You're campaigning for president, for Pete's sake.

  10. Steverino247

    If Mitt is elected, we're going to see the first true test of Asimov's Laws of Robotics.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I think he flunked that test at Bain Capital. Then again, if he's had regular software updates and security patches since then, maybe we'll luck out.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    Congratulations to the Mitt-Bot Corporation on the anniversary of its incorporation.

    Love, the Chamber of Commerce.

  12. comrad_darkness

    Happy Birthday dad! — your virtual son Torchh who is waiting to meet you on the family planet after you all die.

  13. KeepFnThatChicken

    Today, he celebrates by getting a one-tiered cake, for the first time, ever. And he's only burning one candle, to empathize, you know, with the poors.

  14. AbandonHope

    I'm so tired this morning, when I sleepily read that article I actually hallucinated Wonkette's editors telling everybody to be civil when posting their comments.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    Mitt, you deserve everything coming to you in this another year toiling for your Moronical Overlords.

    Oh, and happy b-day two weeks in advance to that other, non-Mannequin, Who-Will-Be-Our-First-Mormon-Presidential-Hopeful Jon Huntsman.

      1. Steverino247

        I went to middle school with his son. Weirdest kid I've ever known. None of us could ever figure out what was wrong with him, but something was seriously off. Must have had a brutal childhood. We didn't torment him because it was obvious that he came pre-tormented.

    1. DCBloom

      Today is also Jack Kerouac's birthday. Kinda throws astrology out the window. These two have nothing in common.

  16. VinnyThePooh

    He's a really big asshole
    He's a really big asshole
    He's a really big asshole
    Which nobody can deny

  17. SorosBot

    Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday to you,
    You look like an out-of-touch rich plutocrat,
    And you need a kick in the balls too!

  18. SkinnyNerd


    Does the Mormon calendar coincide with the Christian one?

    Alabama primary voter, see you Tuesday!

    1. DarwinianDemon

      I read somewhere the good people of alabama and mississippi are showing mitt in the lead. Looks like it's over for Santorum unless he can blow up Mitt's CPU by asking him to repeat the phrase "everything I say is a lie. I am lying now."

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Hell, Mitt's website wouldn't even let me send him a birthday greeting — I guess not everybody is allowed to eat cake.

  20. CapeClod

    Mitt, I'm wishing you a happy birthday with all the genuine candor that you have used to stake out your position on the issues.

  21. Abernathy

    I'd bet $10,000 that one of the "Feliz Cumpleanos" is from Quality Control Inspector 5, who couldn't bring himself to put the babybot Mitt down, all those years ago in that robot factory in Mexico, despite Mitt's fatal manufacturing flaws.

  22. KeepFnThatChicken

    Hey, that font looks like the ITT Tech logo. Does Bain Capital own that too?


  23. elviouslyqueer

    In honor of Mitt's birf-ghey, I have composed a very special poem:

    There once was a robot named Mitt
    Whose topless pic caused quite a snit.
    His sons, in that shot
    It was said, ate much cock
    While their father was just full of shit.

    Thank you. This way to the wine-and-cheese reception.

  24. ExecutorElassus

    Boooo! Where is the genius that beset the "I am ____ the _______" website with inhoerent hilarity and ended up getting the whole stupid thing shut down? I AM DISAPPOINT.

  25. proudgrampa

    "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a Mittbot 9000. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of March 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. "

    Robots are manufactured, not "born."

  26. Callyson

    Happy Birthday, Mittens…I hope you enjoy next year's birthday as a nice, quiet private citizen…

  27. Rosie_Scenario

    Doesn't anyone call him Marriott? Now there's a name that regular folks can relate to. Not. Poor little rich boy/ robot was doomed from the start.

  28. horsedreamer_1

    Gingrich slipped some gag relightable candles on the cake, I'm sure.

    Santorum frosted it.

  29. redarmyzombie

    Say, would anyone happen to remember the name of that website that takes dead Mormons and converts them to homosexuals? I feel this would be an appropriate time to use it.

  30. 12X34X

    For Mittens, the jobs murdering, baptizer – of – the -dead, dog torturer,

    Happy Birthday!

Comments are closed.