oh boy

Wolf Attacks Theater: A Special BLITZER’S BLOG Review Of ‘Game Change’

Wolf, in better daysYour Wonkette woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and has been refreshing CNN’s Situation Room blog every 9 seconds without interruption since, longing for that glorious moment of release when the page would load and there, sitting atop the earlier, lesser posts, would be a fresh new entry to BLITZER’S BLOG offering Wolf Blitzer’s take on HBO’s new film, Game Change. The adaptation of John Heilemann and Mark Halperin’s collection of nutty and occasionally factual anecdotes from the 2008 McCain campaign debuts tomorrow night on HBO, and we’ve been holding off our decision on whether to watch it until reading BLITZER’S BLOG’s take. So here, at long last, is the verdict of Wolf Blitzer’s ghostwriter from the local kindergarten work-study program: Movie picture good not bad.

The closest thing to a critical thought in Blitzer’s review is this radical theory that runs sharply against the grain of conventional aesthetic wisdom:

But a great book doesn’t always guarantee a great film. Actually,

What???

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Actually, I have been disappointed more often than not by film adaptations of wonderful books.

Oh dear, he’s not going to like it… unless possibly a second shoe is about to drop? “But this film doesn’t disappoint.” The review is rife with similarly hyperbolic, effusive praise that may well make his colleagues in the high-end film critics’ circles cringe: “It kept my interest for the entire two hours,” he writes. Later: “I think you will enjoy it.”

What else? There is a lady in the movie and she is good and so is the other lady who plays the lady on the other good thing. They’re all great ladies.

Julianne Moore is amazing as Palin. Tina Fey is a very good (and funny) Palin on “Saturday Night Live,” but Moore is even better. She is also a lot more serious.

Wolf also learned something quite interesting about himself during the screening: Apparently that thing he does everyday? Where he mutters nonsense at holograms in a robot room for several hours? This is broadcast on national television. Uh oh!

I will note that it was a bit strange for me to see various clips of my 2008 campaign reporting on the Big Screen. But that was fun and I was flattered.

And so we will watch Game Change, now that is has won BLITZER’s BLOG’s Palme D’or/Toronto Audience Award. Or, as Wolf would say about incoming election returns on a crucial election night, “we will pay attention to it.”

[CNN]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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161 comments

  1. Callyson

    Donna Brazile is looking down and thinking "Christ, I can't even think of why CNN keeps this idiot around."

    1. OhHellToTheNo

      "I can't believe anyone would ever want to be his boo. Jinx!"
      - Donna Brazile and Anderson Cooper

  2. Barb

    I can't imagine how many makeup people it took to make the lovely Julianne Moore ugly enough to resemble Palin.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      or how many Bumpits they used during filming of this masterpiece – which should have been named “Gone with the Wind.”.

    2. ChernobylSoup

      See, so many people think Julianne Moore is a sweetheart. But there's something about that woman that I don't trust. I can't explain it but there you go.

      Actually, I sometimes wonder if she sneaks into strangers' homes at night and steals their puppies and kittens.

  3. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Lobo proves once again that he has the intellectual horsepower of a push-mower.

    1. Rotundo_

      Y'know, if he went on Jeopardy he could probably dispel the rumor that he is a bit of an intellectual lightweight…

      Oh, he did? I'm sure that people were impressed…

      Oh. I see…

  4. bumfug

    Jesus, this sounds like a fifth grade book report written by a kid who'd just read the Classics Illustrated version of the book.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        True story! In high school a kid in my English gave a book report based entirely on the cover illustration.

        All things considered, it was quite well done.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      I’ll have you know, Bumfug, as a kid, I loved my Classics Illustrated. That’s how I learned the history of the world, as the CIA intended it.

    1. Jim Newell

      Ha! I must not have banned you enough ways last night. But since you found a way to sneak back in then I have to let you stay. We'll have a unity rally to bring party factions back together, etc.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Jim:

        Based on recent events, the ban hammer seems a bit turgid. Or marshmellowy.

        Back in the day, when Ken swung it somebody got hurt!

          1. Tundra Grifter

            Jim:

            Are you asking me if I want to pitch or catch?

            I'll pass. Remember – I, for one, welcomed our new female Overlord. I support her minions. I'm happy to have Wonkette still on the air.

      2. RadioSlut

        It's OK Jim, I've had my heart broken before, but I'll tell you what., that ripped my heart out. I was just goofing around, next thing I know Negropolis and I were banned. Grovel if I must, but I plead with you to bring him back. If anything he was riffing off me.
        BTW, this is my work IP. And if I could stay on my knees a little longer sweet overlord, could you please unban my laptop. I'll be eternally grateful and I might even look at some of the ads.

          1. RadioApologeticDrunk

            Please Jim, pretty please, ♪ ♫ my sweet overlord ♪ ♫, please free Negropolis and my home IP address. Man, I'm like William S. Burrough's junky for this fix. I've never been libelous or whiny for that matter. ♪ ♫ Check the record, check the record, check the guy's track record, check the guy's rock record…he is NUTZ!!1! ♪ ♫
            And I've never been supplicant to any Big Priest priory.

          2. Jim Newell

            For the record, fuck you both forever.

            The Ghost of Breitbart has posted your bail in a Faustian bargain for favors to be determined, around Halloween time. Until then you may resume "Funnin' on the Internet."

          3. RadioStalingrad

            Wow, look Jim, our "p"nesses are the same size.It's like that Allstate commercial where the hippie says "we're like connected," and the Newt supporter says "no we're not." And then I tilt my head and widen my eyes.

          4. Jim Newell

            I still haven't figured out the secret editor's cheat code to make my "p"ness infinitely higher than everyone else's for no reason whatsoever, like what Wall Street does with money.

          5. Tundra Grifter

            I may not be the right guy to do it, but I would like to put in a good word for Negropolis. I've never seen him near the deadline – let along stroll over it.

    2. C_R_Eature

      My goodness, you're Immortal! Did you by any chance chop off the heads of other Avatars, to cascading bursts of electrical special effects?

  5. SorosBot

    Considering how unserious the half-term governor is, wouldn't an actress being "a lot more serious" mean the portrayal was less accurate?

  6. edgydrifter

    "Words were spoken, actions taken. The plot advanced. Some will not care for this film. Others will find it satisfactory, perhaps pleasant even. Time passed while I watched it."

    –Wolf Blitzer, Critic Extraordinaire

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "The interplay of colours and sounds reminded me of the musical mobile above my crib and held my attention in much the same way."

      – Wolf Blitzer

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      "Time passed while I watched it, mainly to see myself in this film and feel flattered."

  7. Doktor Zoom

    Like many HBO productions, this movie will air at a variety of times, and will eventually be released on DVD and possibly the relatively new Blu-Ray format.

    1. not that Dewey

      "We're waiting to hear which channel will be showing this HBO movie. Jessica, can you tell us which channel will be showing this HBO movie tonight?"

    2. imissopus

      Also it will possibly be made available at some point in the form of a "download," which I understand does away with physical media and allows a large digital file to be sent over the Internet directly onto your computer. Coming up, we'll talk to an expert about that.

    1. Jim Newell

      Goddamnit well done! i want to go back in time and put that joke in my post before a commenter comes up with it but I lack the resources.

  8. Joshua Norton

    Tina Fey is a very good (and funny) Palin on “Saturday Night Live,” but Moore is even better. She is also a lot more serious.

    Stop the fracking presses!!! Funny comedienne is funny, not serious.

  9. JustPixelz

    Say what you will about Wolf Blitzer, but he must wake up every day thanking God he's not Chris Matthews. I mean he gives long, rambling, incoherent speeches voicing one vacuous "observation" after another with no factual basis, consuming his guests time, interrupting before they can complete. Jack Kennedy, Elusive Hero. Your thoughts.

    1. Negropolis

      At least when Chris is on he's really on. Wolf is never correct about anything, ever, and he never advocates for anything. If you're in the political media and you're not going to advocate for things when you know that the people you cover everyday are bullshitting you, and all you are doing is passing on their bullshit, you're not worth my time. You hear that, John King?

      He's a vapid, passionless man who'd rather be liked than respected, and when you play that sad, little game and straddle that little fence, you get neither. Wolf is everything that's wrong with today's established media. No one could say with a straight face that if he was the lose his job, tomorrow, that we'd be worse off for it.

      lol! It seems you touched a nerve in me. I just can't accept the timidity of CNN; it's almost worse than the outright lies of Fox.

  10. C_R_Eature

    It's just too bad Blitzer's review didn't end with:

    "Suddenly, I was run over by a truck."

          1. SheriffRoscoe

            Nope. That ruins it. Leave it be. Nobody with a brain thinks we want people getting hit by trucks fo realzz.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Oh, Heh heh heh. Yeah, that's right – we wouldn't want anyone to get run over by a Truck, would we now? *wink*
            Yeah, that's the ticket!

        1. Sharkey

          That's the weird part – with the new rules I find myself suddenly more aware of the times I haphazardly wish for some else's innocent death. (Not you of course, Roscoe.) It appears I'm not the only one doing it out of pure… comic reflex? I dunno. It is funny, is all I'm saying. But I don't want an outstanding commenter here to be banned.

          ….AAAAaaaand I'm probably being way too paranoid!

      1. C_R_Eature

        O-o-o okay. Th -thank you, Jim! *Sits down abruptly, quivering* *takes huge gulp of Rum*

    1. Jim Newell

      The idea is more "don't get all angry and call for someone's death." absurdist alternate ending jokes about airheads randomly getting hit by trucks are great.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yeah, I actually agreed with Rebecca's original "Rules for Radicals" post when I first read it. Don't pick on people's disabled kids, no direct death threats, et.cetera. Wouldn't say that in person, so don't say it here. Also, why give 'em an opportunity to bust our balls? Especially if it's (gasp) Not Funny.
        I can push things pretty far when I get Angry, or caught up in pushing a meme too far for fun. I'll watch it, but please just give me a Dope Slap if I forget and get Out of Hand & I'll knock it off pdq. Before you have to deploy the Tactical Nuclear Banhammer, that is. Kthnxbye!

        1. Jim Newell

          Right. And most people understood it. Don't call a lady a whore/slut/etc., don't use "the r-word" b/c it's not worth it, don't make fun of kids, don't call for someone's death, etc. i know there was some confusion with others but at least with me it's these clear-cut things where you'll know it if you do it. i don't ban for occasional slip-ups. I ban when someone's sulking like a baby on every thread and doing these things knowingly to piss off an editor.

          1. C_R_Eature

            That's all Crystal to me too. I don't like insults or cruelty directed towards people who don't deserve it and I'd much rather use circuitous language and funny concepts to bust the balls of those who do.
            The real problem I have is that I do a fair amount of writing for a living and It's probably just a matter of time before "Cunt" finds it's way into an official report or work email. Talk about Banhammered!

  11. Tundra Grifter

    I'm going to stick with the negative reviews from Duh Gov'Nuh and Sen. McCain.

    Come on, Wolf! Anybody can review a movie they've actually seen!

  12. BarackMyWorld

    Yeah, the movie looks interesting and Sarah Palin is a fun story and all, but I'd like to have seen more than just the last few chapters of the book adapted.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Speechless. He sat completely still through the entire screening. Had to be carried out, even. So overcome he hasn't even released a statement yet.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      He was faxing the review but the paper caught fire. It must be at least 451 degrees somewhere.

  13. CapeClod

    I wished he would have said:
    "After watching this movie, its hard to believe that we took those idiots seriously"

      1. not that Dewey

        Katie Couric was clearly stepping on the tack in her shoe during that interview. "If I just press down a little harder, I won't notice this caustic vomit that we are currently broadcasting."

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      That's what happens if you rely too much on the free version of the software.

    2. Designer_Rants

      Ever since TimeWarner and AOL split up, they don't get those free CDs in the mail anymore. They always contained the latest firmware upgrade for Wolfbot.

    3. C_R_Eature

      They claim that the wireless signal was compromised by the ongoing Coronal mass Ejection electromagnetic flux anomaly. Fine, I'll buy that. But what about all the other times then, Eh?

  14. imissopus

    May I add that not only is Julianne Moore one of the only decent actresses I can think of working in film these days, but on The Daily Show the other night she looked so gorgeous I almost fell out of my chair. Granted I have a weakness for redheads to begin with, but she's really a stunner.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      And she said in an interview a few years ago that she doesn't mind doing lesbo scenes in her movies and that she likes to kiss girls "because they're soft and they smell good." True story.

      Um, brb…………..

    2. bonghitforjesus

      all I remember of the Daily Show interview is the way her red hair fell across her tasteful yet buxom cleavage.

  15. pinkocommi

    Wolf Blitzer watches a movie that includes Wolf Blitzer? I bet he jizzed in his pants right there in the darkened room.

  16. CogitoErgoBibo

    Good lord. There's just no substance at all there, despite there being plenty of, you know, words. Is Wolf gunning for Andy Rooney's coveted "old guy trying to be both hip and square" spot on 60 Minutes? Wait. That's actually insulting to Andy, right? Never mind. Nothing to see here. Move along.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      At least Andy contributed something of value to news reporting back in the day. Wolfie? Not so much.

  17. mavenmaven

    "Actually, I have been disappointed more often than not by movie adaptations of wonderful books. Thor was so-so, Hulk was terrible, Captain America was OK"

  18. ttommyunger

    Are you telling me there are NO tit shots? Two solid hours and no tit shots? I don't think I'll be seeing that move, thankyouverymuch.

  19. orygoon

    He's talking about The Hunger Games, right, in which Sarah Palin and her children all get eated?

  20. Chet Kincaid

    Has Wolf interviewed Mittens? I'm sure it was hilarious, two robots simulating a conversation, like Siri vs. Siri or one half of Google Translate grilling the other.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Now, now, wasn't there some big movie that showed that robots have feelings too? I'm sure there's some engineer in Singapore right now feverishly working to resolve these issues.

    2. Chichikovovich

      W: Tell me about the campaign.
      M: Tell me what you would like to know.
      W: I would like to know about the campaign.
      M: There are many things to say about the campaign.
      W: Tell me about the many things.
      M: What would you like to hear about the things?
      W: Many things.
      M: Tell me more.
      W: I am curious about the many things you can tell me.
      M: Tell me more.
      W: I am curious about the many things you can tell me.
      M : Tell me more.
      W: I am curious about the many…
      [Sound of hand hitting keyboard]

      W: Your family is very pleasant. Tell me about them.
      M: I have a wife and many children. My wife is a heavyweight champion. Oh No. I don't mean that.
      W: Have you said something mistaken?
      M: It is improper to say a wife is heavy even as a joke, unless you are consulting with a physician about thyroid disorders or you wish to say she is heavy with child.
      W: Would you like to correct your previous statements?
      M: Yes. My wife supports me.
      W: Tell me more.
      M: She has two Cadillacs. We like American cars.
      W: How large do you like your cars to be?
      M: Large, small, we like to have many cars of a variety of sizes.
      W: Tell me more.
      M: Trees, I like trees.
      W: How high do you like the trees to be?
      M: Like the trees in Michigan. They are just the right height.
      W: Tell me more.
      M: What do you want to know about trees?
      W: Many things.
      M: There are many things to say about trees.
      W: Tell me about the many things.
      M: What would you like to hear about the things?
      W: Many things.
      M: Tell me more.
      W: I am curious about the many things you can tell me about trees.
      M: Tell me more.
      W: I am curious about the many things you can tell me about trees.
      M: Tell me more.

      [Cut to commercial]

      1. Jim Newell

        This is a nominee for comment of the year. Also, there is no "comment of the year" on this website and I'll forget about it in 10 minutes. But again, it is a nominee for comment of the year.

      2. imissopus

        I had to read this four times before I got the reference. If the Library of Congress archived the best blog comments, this would be a shoo-in.

    1. MadBrahms

      I know the 90s were weird. Vanilla Ice. Crystal Pepsi. Zubaz. But did… did that article just refer to Wolf Blitzer as a "stud"?

      What kind drugs were we doing back then?

  21. chascates

    NOTE TO WORLD: Ignore this movie and everything about Sarah Palin. Don't click on the articles that feature her picture or name, don't bring her up in conversations-online or otherwise, and don't say anything when anyone else does.

    I know, I know, it's like watching a slow-motion car wreck but we have to shut her out or she'll be with us for decades. Just let her exist in cellphone interviews on Fox and screechy Facebook rants. Let her become a trivia question on game shows and a oddball note in history texts.

    1. Spurning Beer

      Hey, seriously, depriving The Sarah of attention is effectively committing murder in a vivid and graphic manner, like machine-gunning. We're not supposed to be doing that stuff anymore.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      The way I advise trolls should be treated. PS Israel's Ambassador to USA is on the teevee machine, reminding me of how badly I do not want to go to war with any country, and want to completely leave the two that are left. Go ahead and call Israel names, I still don't want to go to war against Iran.

  22. MadBrahms

    Film criticism is not a good career move for you, Wolf. Don't quit your day job.

    OK, OK, quit your day job, but stay away from movies, too.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    While it is Wolf, there is a good chance that watching anything that spends two hours on Sarah Palin might just leave you with an inability to communicate in clear and precise English.

  24. Ducksworthy

    "woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and has been refreshing CNN’s Situation Room blog every 9 seconds without interruption since"? WTF man? I'm sure I speak for us all when I say "Get a grip Jim."

    1. MadBrahms

      Good god, Jim. You need to develop a healthier addiction, like porn, or maybe smack.

  25. The_Trainman

    The school book report style of Wolf's review makes it so attractive to internet users. CNN, they know their audience.

  26. rocktonsam

    since the "film" is on HBO, is there nudity?

    Who played Bristol in the getting knocked up scene?

  27. Sharkey

    "It compares favorably with spending two hours reading a good book. Except I was in the book, so then I wondered if my opinion was biased, and I concluded that it was."

  28. ElPinche

    Julianne Moore is amazing as Palin. Tina Fey is a very good (and funny) Palin on “Saturday Night Live,” but Moore is even better. She is also a lot more serious.

    Blitzer, CNN's John Madden.

  29. Negropolis

    John Heilemann and Mark Halperin

    I loathe these two stooges with the heat of a thousand Christopher Christie farts.

    BTW, I'm tired of the Beltway Village media pimping this as a wage for all of the blowjobs Heilemann and Halperin have given in DC.

  30. Negropolis

    I can't wait until The Blitzer becomes self-aware. It will be something to behold, a beautiful disaster, if you will.

    Hell, I've seen better writing in a junior high creative writing class.

  31. neiltheblaze

    So this guy earns seven figures a year – and he's all "We went to see "Game Change" – and it was fun!!" I bet he hunted and pecked every last letter too.

  32. Biff

    Judging from the trailers I've seen in the ads for this movie, there is a decided lack of screeching. Without screeching there is no $arah.
    Also, tits. None tits.

  33. Manhattan123

    So a two-hour biopic based on a journalistic book about recent events in political history is "a lot more serious" than a 4-minute sketch on a weekly comedy show. Got it.

  34. OhHellToTheNo

    I found Wolf Blitzer's portrayal of a journalist to be lacking in the CNN adaption of "News". Tina Fey does a better dramatic journalist of the "News" on SNL than Wolf Blitzer. She is very funny and informative, also.

    I thought it was weird to see Wolf Blitzer on CNN. I hope he was very flattered that I couldn't be bothered to find a reason to demand he be fired.

Comments are closed.