raise the roof

Mitt Romney Trying Really-Super-Hard-You-Guys With Spotify Playlist of Sadness

RunSmileProgramexeHey you guys! Common dude/man of the people/human being made of many kinds of tissue and various organs Mitt Romney has released his “Spotify” playlist for a lighthearted “road trip”-themed look into beepboopbeepERRORERRORERRORERROR. In other news, many people who were just trying to drink a goddamned beer and post a few things for Friday larfs have now been forced to join goddamned Spotify and annoy their Facebook friends with unwanted crap updates on what musical shite they are listening to now. BEHOLD!

Man of Constant Sorrow, The Soggy Bottom Boys. Hey, are you having a Depression-themed birthday party? The Soggy Bottom Boys and the rest of the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack will prove invaluable (lots of Emmylou Harris, yay!). Good, pretty, excellent bluegrass. Good job, Romney social media person!

MTA (Boston Subway Song), Kingston Trio. This is a sort of lawful version of Alice’s Restaurant, for people who came of age during the folk era but were afraid of taking their shoes off, and without the middle-finger to the fuzz and the Army. It is perhaps the whitest music to banjo-pick your ears outside of Parker Posey’s band in the underwhelming A Mighty Wind.

Good Vibrations, the Beach Boys. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

Desperado, Clint Black.
Why not the Eagles original, you are surely wondering? Because they are disgusting sex-fiend liberals who do drugs and hookers and besides, even hippies don’t like them anymore.

Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash. The Man in Black kept his country fan base despite being antiwar and pro-drug and anti-the-justice-system and a total freakazoid. Romney’s people chose the song that could least be construed as total fucking commie, but seem to have forgotten it was written by June Carter Cash about their adulterous affair. Well, you lose some, you lose some!

Born Free, Kid Rock. This is gross, and is hurting your editrix’s feelings, and if Mitt Romney ever heard it, he would get even more stuttery and uncomfortable than usual. Your editrix imagines her sister, who is a Hessian and finds Kid Rock sexy (!) would totally dig it.

Over the Rainbow, Willie Nelson. Nelson, of course, ties with Johnny Cash (see above) for number one crossover appeal with hipsters and rednecks. Good thing they found a super-inoffensive song that wouldn’t remind The Base about Willie’s busloads of artisanal weed.

All-American Girl, Carrie Underwood.
Listened to this, didn’t hear a word. Pure American Idol pablum, from the iota that penetrated our consciousness.

Franki Vallee, Commodores, Roy Orbison, Nat King Cole, and Del Shannon. These might be on Romney’s actual playlist; they are ’50s-y, when he was but a young android, and would have given Lawrence Welk a stroke (rebellious, dood) and are very nice.

Read My Mind and Somebody Told Me, the Killers. Now you are just fucking with our heads. YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE YOUTH VOTE, AND THEY DON’T LISTEN TO THE KILLERS ANYMORE ANYWAY THEY LISTEN TO LIL WAYNE JESUS CHRIST.

As Good As I Once Was, Toby Keith. We heard this song once on one of those LA-to-SF trips where every five minutes you run out of radio signal and have to switch between Spanish stations, country stations and JAYSUS stations, and we didn’t know what it was and we were shrieking in horror at the man singing about his gross disgusting threesomes with some vile bar-rats and when we got home we googled it and found out it was Toby Keith and threw up so many times. Here, have a listen your own bad self, and then die. [Mitt's Spotify]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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223 comments

    1. thebeatgoeson

      I have to admit that Toby is one of my guilty pleasures. Not the videos (ugh) but I do like his voice and many of his songs. So SUE ME already!

  1. kingofmeh

    does this playlist have any common theme other than "i am white as white can be"? and you know one of his sons suggested the killers songs.

    1. flamingpdog

      The common theme may be that he's desperately trying to win the Southern states in next week's primaries or at least come in a strong second. I heard on teh radio today that he said grits was his favorite breakfast. Yeah, right.

      1. SkinnyNerd

        Must. Process. List. of. Songs. for. American. Humanoids. Stop. Upcoming. Primaries. Alabama. Mississippi. Kansas. Avoid. Rap. Jazz. Blues. Stop.

    2. billy_reuben

      Aside from the superficial 50's era crap, the Killers is about the *most* plausible thing on that list. The Killers areis easily the most successful all-Mormon musical group since the Osmonds.

    1. RadioSlut

      Wow, Barb, that is the first time I saw somebody beat you to the punch. The times they are a changin' around here. (BTW, tx last night for the support, to say the least, I had a fitful sleep.)

          1. Barb

            Oh my God! Is that the real name of the song or the group that does it? My apologies to the lovely and talented Sexy Smurf. Seriously, my bad.

          2. RadioSlut

            Srsly, I think you guys were within 30 seconds of each other based on the time stamp changing,

          3. SorosBot

            Yep, the Baha Men is the group – it's easy to forget with one hit wonders like that.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        And then Seamus got bumped when they brought in a guest vocal dog for the tour.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    the Beach Boys.

    Well, it worked well for Big Love, the show that taught me everything I need to know about teh Mormonz.

    Franki Vallee, Commodores, Roy Orbison, Nat King Cole, and Del Shannon.

    I haven't seen Del Shannon's hair, but the others should well complement theological mien: the frozen chosen >> immutable election!

    1. CessnaDriver

      Does anyone remember when the Sect'y of the Interior under Reagan stopped the Beach Boys from performing on the Fourth of July in Washington because of their sex-crazed pro-drug songs?

      I think the asshole was James Watt.

  3. CountryClubJihadi

    Man of Constant Sorrow is the shit, but he's really listening to Wildfire, Afternoon Delight and Seasons in the Sun.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      We had joy we had fun
      We went streaking in the sun
      But the people we passed
      were just looking at our ass

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      A reimagining of 50 cent's opus, named "Get Born Rich and Sneer at those Trying"?

    2. flamingpdog

      I heard Mitt was playing the executioner on Alice Cooper's Billion Dollar Babies tour.

    3. anniegetyerfun

      Not too obvious. Simply not a feeling that Mitten's process can work with.

      "Want? What is "want"? Mitt Romney has never felt this emotion."

  4. Wonderthing

    "It's Not Easy Being A Flip Flopping Cynic Who Hopes There Are Enough People In America Who Are Stupid And Who Would Vote For A Cell Phone Tower Instead Of A Black Man". How come that's not on his playlist, huh? Howcum?

  5. Fukui-sanYesOta

    No Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Joseph Smith would be pissed if we hadn't all converted him to an alternate lifestyle using that LDS-fabulizer website.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Mitt's got the Hentai version, "Mormon Tentacle Choir" on his Special iPad. Locked safely away, for those private times.

    2. CessnaDriver

      That's got to be the worst choir in history. Everything I have ever heard from them sounds like hash.

  6. littlebigdaddy

    Spotify sounds like what you get if you stick your dick in a suspect place. "Spotified dick"!

  7. Rotundo_

    And despite pandering furiously, no mention of Elvis? If he's trying to convince the south that he is "one of the common folk" he should have thrown in a couple of hits from the king.

  8. CogitoErgoBibo

    Wait, wait, wait. "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers? The one about the guy who's been stalking that chick who has a boyfriend who looks like stalker-boy's ex-girlfriend?! Where to start. Stalker! Lesbians!

    Music fail, Mittens. Music fail.

  9. mavenmaven

    I always thought "ring of fire" was about the sensation one has several hours after eating bad mexican food.

    1. SorosBot

      And I thought it was the sensation you get around your dick after sleeping with the wrong kind of woman.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      I recall that there was some hemorrhoid cream company wanting to use "Ring of Fire" in ads. The Cash estate declined.

    3. Rotundo_

      How else to explain the mariachi horn riff after each phrase? Hell wouldn't have mariachi bands, but a restaurant serving bad mexican food likely would. (Snark aside, where those horns came from Dog knows, but it makes the song…)

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, looking over the list, isn't it interesting how many pot heads ol' Mitt likes to chill out with?

  11. savethispatient

    I'm surprised it doesn't include the song he learnt when he first became operational: Daisy.

      1. savethispatient

        "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my chance of electoral success is going. I can feel it. I can feel it."

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "Open the pod bay doors, Mitt."
      "I'm afraid I can't do that, Sarah. This mission is far too important to allow you to jeopardize it."

    2. Doktor Zoom

      No further comments are needed on this post.

      (I mean, sure, we'll keep making them, but they are truly irrelevant).

    3. My_pal_HAL

      Sorry. I had to come out of retirement for this. I would like to point out that Mittbot 3000 and I are not related. He comes from an end of run experiment by some pot head engineers in Michigan in the mid-20th century, which was deemed an abject failure and after which they literally broke the mould.

  12. flamingpdog

    I'm old enough to remember when California Senator Alan Cranston was running for office sometime in the 70s and proudly announced on the stage that his favorite song was "California Hotel".

  13. Goonemeritus

    Nice pander list but if he is ever to get the drunk Irish punk vote he will need to add "Bottle of Smoke" by the Pogues

  14. Beowoof

    I thought a Rmoney road trip play list would be a continual, woof woof, ruff ruff, hoooowwwwlllll ruff, ruff, hoooooowwwwwwl, woof whimper whimper wet fart noise.

    1. gurukalehuru

      Maybe we're all being a little hard on old Willard. Maybe Seamus was one of them there hyper-intelligent talking dogs. When they asked him where he'd like to ride, he said "roof."

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    Life's Been Good To Me So Far

    (just checked – that was an Eagles song too, so, no.)

  16. lochnessmonster

    Where's the Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen, Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks, Dr. John, Asleep at the Wheel? He don't know musik!

    1. tessiee

      Dr. John deserves an upfist because he's one of the few people who can get away with calling guys, "cats".

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Straight outta De-troit crazy motherfucker named Willard
      From the gang called Trustfunds With Attitudes
      When I'm called off I got a bill off
      Squeeze the welfare and bodies are hauled off
      You too poors if ya fuck with me
      The ICC are gonna hafta come and get me
      Off yo cash that's how I'm goin out
      For the punk motherfuckers that's showin out
      Repubs start to mumble, they wanna rumble
      Cage 'em and stick em on a car like dogs y'all
      Goin off on a plutocrat like that
      with a tophat that's pointed at yo ass
      So give it up smooth
      Ain't no tellin when I'm down for a jack move
      Here's a fraud rap to keep me at the trough
      with a crime record like Bernie Madoff
      Cayman island trust is the tool
      Don't make me act the motherfuckin fool

    2. flamingpdog

      "It's All About the Benjamins" by the Notorious B.I.G. sounds more up Mitt's alley.

  17. savethispatient

    It's following the usual GOP theme: only one track out of nineteen by a female artist.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    When Mitt Romney listens to music he gets this terrible pain in all the diodes down his left side.

  19. commiegirl

    Sorry for breaking everybody's browsers with the Toby Keith that YOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO ANYWAY. Coding fixed, maybe? Oopsies?

    1. nounverb911

      OT

      Rebecca;
      Congrats on your one weekaversery.
      Time sure flies when your having fun.

        1. flamingpdog

          Are we gonna have "Your Wonkette's Week in Mistakes" again this week? Is buying teh Wonkette gonna be one of them? (Jus' kidding, commiegirl!)

    2. C_R_Eature

      'Sokay, I wasn't planning on listening to Toby Keith anyway. And, no you can't make me.

    3. thebeatgoeson

      I have to admit that Toby is one of my guilty pleasures. Not the videos (ugh) but I do like his voice and many of his songs. So SUE ME already!

  20. chascates

    For someone who surely knows the owners of various record and music companies his taste if pretty fucking whitebread.

    Oh, I get it now.

  21. Doktor Zoom

    Now is the time om Sprockets vhen ve feign interest in ze culture of ze little people.

    1. SorosBot

      As bad as that song is, it's hard to believe it's nowhere near the worst song LMFAO have ever done.

  22. MissTaken

    I'm pleased as a peach to see the GOP has finally stopped using Born in the USA without a fucking clue what the song is actually about.

  23. Barrelhse

    Mitt "I was Country b4 Country was cool" Romney.
    But, really, the fucking Commodores?

  24. Chichikovovich

    Hey wait a minute! Where's Wango Tango? Cat Scratch Fever? Ted Nugent is not going to be happy about this.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    But when Mitt's really feeling edgy he breaks out the Percy Faith Orchestra's "Theme from A Summer Place."

  26. Doktor Zoom

    Rick Santorum's secret shame? His iPod contains nothing but an endless loop of "She Bop" and "I Touch Myself."

  27. BarackMyWorld

    I guess his handlers forgot to tell him to put "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Mississippi Queen" on there.

    1. Chichikovovich

      And Neil Young's "Ohio". No, wait – Chrissie Hynde/Pretenders's "My City was Gone"….
      I mean – Bruce Springsteen, "Youngstown"… Um….

      OK, what say we just scrap Ohio…

  28. SorosBot

    No Dylan? Has Mittens no respect for culture? I would think Workingman's blues would be perfect for him.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    The inclusion of a Beach Boys song is surprising since the California primary isn't until June.

  30. OneYieldRegular

    You'd think discussion of a playlist might cause one of those songs to get stuck in one's head, but all I'm getting is "Standing There," by The Creatures.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      The Creatures!

      You should have seen my Siouxsie and the Banshees phase (but you can't because I burned all photographic evidence of it).

    1. Chichikovovich

      Naw. Michele Bachmann is the only Republican candidate who is genuinely down with the clown.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "Diamonds Are Forever"

      Now I'm imagining Pope Rick and Newt as Wint and Kidd

      Newt: If god had wanted mitt to be president …

      Rick: he would have given him charisma, Mr Newt

      1. C_R_Eature

        "Ohh Lorrd, won'tcha buy mee a Murrrsayyydeeze Benz… Ha, ha! Just kiddin'! Ah found enough spare change it thishere couch to buy mahself three of 'em! Seeya raound!"

        -Mittens, Common Man Extraordinaire

  31. BlueStateLibel

    Mitt also ADMITTED to reading "The Twilight Series"… and enjoyed it http://tinyurl.com/3cj5e5k
    WTF? The guy who wants to be the leader of the free world reads dippy stories about vampires? What kind of grown man reads "The Twilight Series"???

    1. SorosBot

      The series is Mormon propaganda, so you can see what kind of grown man would read them.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Well, Stephenie Meyer is a fellow Mormon. If he wanted to get the Mormon sci-fi nerd vote, he can just say he's read everything by Orson Scott Card.

  32. Lucidamente1

    <Snark off> I hate to get my schoolteacher on, but would it kill these guys to include classical music once and a while? Obama, bless him, awarded Yo-Yo Ma the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and even narrated Copland's Lincoln Portrait with the CSO.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Surely appreciation of classic music requires the ability to discern and enjoy the layering of subtle themes and phrases within the whole?

      TBH I'm surprised Mitt's iPod isn't just full of the sound of yard sales being thrown down flights of stairs.

    2. Chichikovovich

      You would think the prologue to Boris Gudonov, with all the peasants chanting and clamoring for Boris to accept the crown, would be right up Mitt's alley. Maybe to avoid the foreignness, he could commission a new libretto called "Mitt Gudonov", taking place at the Republican Convention. But no dead princes. And no ghosts. And no chiming clock scene…. In fact, why not just end after the coronation.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Good point – at the end of Mitt Gudonov, the hero should shout “Keel Moose!”—

      1. C_R_Eature

        Isn't it, though? I'm impressed that a.) the production is just so Pro for a YouTube video and b.) The author has actually heard of Root Boy Slim.

  33. ttommyunger

    Is Toby Keith a Democrat? I don't give a fuck. Is Toby Keith a moron? Fuck yeah! Mitt the music maven…right. He no doubt has the moves of a MS patient on the dance floor. "Man of Sorrow" : best mash-up ever, Gwen Stefani; catch it on You Tube. That is all.

  34. semi_expat

    On another musical note, the Mittster accepted the endorsement of Ted Nugent, a draft dodger who shit himself and lived in it for days in order to convince the draft board that he wasn't "military material." Keep it classy, Mitt.

  35. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Not replying to ttomyunger to give him a fighting chance. I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to make fun of people afflicted with MS any more. Might want to edit that, dude.

  36. tessiee

    No "Jingle Bells" by the barking dogs?

    [actually, I hate that damn song so much, I wouldn't even wish it on Mitt]

  37. billy_reuben

    Aside from the superficial 50's era crap, the Killers is about the *most* plausible thing on that list. The Killers areis easily the most successful all-Mormon musical group since the Osmonds.

Comments are closed.