TRUE FACTS  2:50 pm March 9, 2012

Mitt Romney Is The Worst Panderer In All of History, Mississippi Edition

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi? He will simply explain to them that being Southern is a disease, which he has now caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard. “This guy I see every day time after time after time,” he says — that is how contagion works, folks — and a result he is “learning to say ‘y’all’” and enjoy popular peasant foods such as grits. How does the disease make you feel, Mittens? “Strange,” he admits. Mitt Romney feels your pain, Mississippi.

But do not feel too concerned yet, as Mittens is only at Stage I of the disease and as of yet only an “unofficial Southerner.” But just give it a few days. He’ll be sporting a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it and reminiscing about secession by next week. he Hill]

 
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{ 279 comments }

CarnyTrash March 9, 2012 at 2:51 pm

"I love lamp." -Mitt Romney

teebob2000 March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"Mitt, are you just looking at constituencies and saying that you love them?"

ifthethunderdontgetya March 9, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Yeah, Mittens will be sporting a fanny pack, all right.

Then he'll be fishin'.
~

Barb March 9, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Mitt reminds me of the guy in the upscale steakhouse who interrupts your meal to ask how you are enjoying it.

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

But wouldn't give a shit whatever your reply.

CogitoErgoBibo March 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I picture him more as a Brooks Brothers sales person. "Accidental," guilt-free junk groping as he takes your measurements!

JustPixelz March 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

What is this "upscale" you speak of? Do they serve the hobo beans with a spoon? And what is "steak" and "house"?

OneYieldRegular March 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"Is everything delicious?"

finallyhappy March 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Are we talking Ponderosa here or real fancy like- Steak and Brew?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

But are the trees the right height?

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

"The swamps here, they're just the right amount of swampiness."

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I'm pretty sure you DON'T want to ask that in Mizz-sippy.

FNMA March 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Where do the Mormons stand on cousin fucking?

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 2:59 pm

It's okay, just as long as no contraceptives are used.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Nor using the s-e-x word.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

You don't really think they had all that polygamy out in the fucking wilderness without SOME incest, do you?

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Upright and rigid. Duh.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

As long as it's done in a group.

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

First cousins can only be third wives or lower.

teebob2000 March 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Right about here.

*points to spot on floor a few feet from the bed with a good viewing angle, and not blocking the light*

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Another ad hominy libel. (sorry)

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

That's corny.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

With a kernel of truth.

Ruhe March 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I'm Orville Redenbacher and I approve of this witty, corn-based repartee.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I call bullshit. You're a pone-y Redenbacher…

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I hope there's polenta more where that came from.

SoBeach March 9, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Shucks, you'd think I'd know by now not to read these threads after you flakes get started.

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

[Chichikovovich grits his teeth so hard he gets a sorghum.]

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Millet. I find that helps ease the tension

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I'd make a rye comment, but we're not supposed to make fun of grain disorders anymore.

not that Dewey March 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Maybe if you spelt it differently…

WhatTheHeck March 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I likes me some Rominey grits.

OkieDokieDog March 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm

"I like grits." Finally, a Mittens I can… believe in… like… vote for?
Nope, he's still a uber riche snobby tool.

BlackRhino March 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm

What else do you like Mitt?

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Besides firing and baptizing people?

LesBontemps March 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

He likes to watch?

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm

He likes cars. And trees*!

*proper height only.

Pat_Pending March 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Hitler? (sorry, I hadda do it)

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Heavyweight wives?

zedbot March 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Rooftop dog carriers?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Money. He likes money.

vtxmcrider March 10, 2012 at 12:24 am

Well, I like grits and everything corn, including cornholing.

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Hopefully he will make no demands that US America should "Kiss his grits."

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Only in Florence, Alabama.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers.

inapewetrust March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

good old grits romney.

Ruhe March 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Mitt "Hominy" Romney?

Callyson March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Do you like
green eggs and ham
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
Would you like them
Here or there?
I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am

Sassomatic March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Mitt, it's Mississippi, they don't want to hear all that. You need to talk about gays, lady parts, and how Jesus wrote the Constitution.

fartknocker March 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

And guns, oppressing them black folk and messicans, and Obamercare. And don't forget Nascar.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

And how only Babtists will get into heaven…

DustBowlBlues March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"The green vine you southerners have used to landscape your utility poles and lines is just lovely. What do you call it?

Makinglifehell March 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

What would mittens know about an invasive, parasitic species that threatens to strangle the life out of every other living…oh, nevermind!

Dudleydidwrong March 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I'll bet $10,000 that all the kudzu is just the right height. You all.

GuanoFaucet March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Mitt went on to say:

"I have some friends who are slave owners."

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Clear Channel?

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

College football.

GuyClinch March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

win

MaxNeanderthal March 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Some of his best friends are blah…

HarryButtle March 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Slave owners are people, too, my friend.

SexySmurf March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

If you strap your dog to the roof of your car, you might be a redneck.

Or a dick head from Massachusetts.

Nostrildamus March 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Just Massachusetts. Redneck strap N*******S to their roofs.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

In Texas they just tow them.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Class knows no income.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:28 pm

It seems unlikely to me that any redneck worth his gun rack would strap a perfectly good huntin' dog to the roof of his car.
Besides which, they all drive pickup trucks, which they call "trucks", anyway.

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Some of his best friends own grit mills.

ChernobylSoup March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"My wife has two Cadillacs up on cinder blocks."

LesBontemps March 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I'd like to have sex with this comment.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Oh I see, we're stealing shticks now??

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I'd like to have shticks with this comment.

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I have comments about said shticks.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Finally a comment I can get behind.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Shticking to the subject, as it were….

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"I don't eat grits, but I do know the people who own the patents on the DNA of the GM corn that your grits are made from." And my wife makes two kinds of polenta.

Toomush_Infer March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Straynge thangs, alraght: Sheeit fer brainz….

Goonemeritus March 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I find if I think of Grits as hillbilly Polenta it eats better.

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

The secret to grits is cooking them really really slow.

SoBeach March 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Only way I can eat them is with a bunch of sharp cheddar melted in them, then mixed with sauteed shrimp, crumbled bacon, and green onion. Mmmm. I think I know what's for dinner tonight.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Mmm, food porn is still allowed!!

bonghitforjesus March 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Stone ground white grits with a lot of cheese and sriracha (rooster) sauce is great! But I do use organic local corn so I guess it's not hillbilly anymore.

CogitoErgoBibo March 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Or half-ass it and use instant grits. Um. Not that I do. Uh. Ever. Hi mom!

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

The In-Between Quick Grits cook in only 10 minutes. Much better than Instant.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Po'lenna sounds gay ta me…yew know, like how Clem allus talkin' bout Cletus and how he'd like to put his polenna hem…

justkillmenow March 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I saw this story in print earlier and thought it said "I like girls" which seemed like something he really should be clarifying considering he's such an enormous douche.

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Right — let's hear him pronounce "chitterlings."

SoBeach March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

He won't be addressing the kind of crowd that would be pandered to with that word.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I believe the proper pronunciation is [nas-tee].

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I said kiddly, diddle I?

DaRooster March 9, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Is he gonna catch "the gay" on a trip to San Francisco?

"The cocks are the right length here!"

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

"A couple of my friends own rentboy.com."

Fukui-sanYesOta March 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

He went on to say

"I love the bears. There's something very special here–the great bears, but also all the little inland bears that dot the parts of California. I love twinks. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with twinks. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a twink, I could tell what race it was, and age, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese twinks, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American twinks pretty well and pound a Mustang. I love twinks. I love American twinks. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you."

Veritas78 March 9, 2012 at 8:55 pm

This is just plain brilliant.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Romney was at a Mississippi Republican Party event with Haley Barbour. While walking to the stage, Romney accidentally bumps into Barbour and says, "Pardon me!"

DustBowlBlues March 9, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease. Only rodeo people do that. And as someone who knows more about rodeo and western style (much against my will, btw, but you can't help picking up certain info when you live where I do) I can certify, he doesn't look like a rodeo rider to me.

justkillmenow March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Save a horse, ride a cowboy…but not that one!

GuyClinch March 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Given Mitt's nature, his jeans starch up the moment he puts them on, "one leg at a time just like any normal person," he would no doubt say.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

It's the starched jeans, combined with the button-down collar, that give Mitt his trademark je ne sais blah appearance.

Goonemeritus March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Yes my Mother in Law originally hailed from around Eric Oklahoma she left during the dust bowl. Even though she lived in the Northeast for decades she never felt we wore “dungarees” properly.

Makinglifehell March 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!"

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:35 pm

This made me guffaw out loud.

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I can't stop laughing at "rodeo people". *wipes tear*

CarnyTrash March 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I think Mitt looks great in mom jeans.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I was very surprised to find out recently that are apparently a real thing, still in 2012. That seems so weird.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Uncomfortable in jeans? Romney looks uncomfortable trying to mimic a carbon-based lifeform.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Those aren't jeans, they're dungarees.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I think Mitt's crowd refers to them as denim slacks

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Rick Perry thinks Mittens looks good, damn good, in Brooks Bros denim.

teebob2000 March 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Tweety always refers to him as wearing "mom jeans."

ThundercatHo March 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

If Mittens really wants to be "in" with the rodeo crowd he needs a real cowboy hat, jingly spurs and assless chaps.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Been wearing jeans since l950's (Levis 501's exclusively). I've know two or three men who wore pressed jeans (starch and a crease). Invariably, they seemed to be the type of man who would step out of the shower to take a leak.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm

"Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease."

When I worked at the hospital, one of our residents was *always* dressed to the nines. Never anything ostentatious, but if he was in a group of ten people wearing identical jeans and t-shirts, somehow you knew John was wearing cashmere socks. John had his jeans dry-cleaned.

metamarcisf March 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Wait'll he tries hog jowls and possum innards

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Or red-eye gravy.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Vittles!

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 4:03 pm

With fixins!

MaxNeanderthal March 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Road kill cordon bleu…..?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You think he'd actually indulge in vittles? I can't imagine him settin' down to a mess a Southern fried muskrat and asking for a heapin' second heppin! Not even at the fancy eatin' table!

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm
metamarcisf March 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I'd like to see Mitt Romney take a dip in the cement pond.

Veritas78 March 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Clearly, he's already had too much squirrel brains.

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Jesus christ that man has negative soul.

Wonderthing March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I'd believe him more if he said "I like grits" in between dips of snuff.

Spurning Beer March 9, 2012 at 3:19 pm

An endorsement from SkoalRebel would go a long way, too.

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

He should try it — turning green and puking might convince some voters that he was human.

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

*spit*

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Mitt is trying to give Newt the knock-out punch.

IncenseDebate March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I saw cotton
and I saw black
Tall white mansions
and little shacks.
Southern man
when will you
pay them back?
I heard screamin'
and bullwhips cracking
How long? How long?

ProgressiveInga March 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I hope RMoney will remember
A southern man don't need him around anyhow

Sharkey March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I like True Gritts.

inapewetrust March 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"strange things are happening to me."

-grittens romney, trying to convince people to elect him president

GorzoTheMighty March 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

This reminds me that I must watch "My Cousin Vinny" again. I see some similarities. Dress him up like Rhett Butler and the boy will do fine.

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

He's a very poor imitation of Joe Pesci.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:28 pm

He'll never get the Yoot vote.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:38 pm

"Don't you have any apparel that is not made of leather?"

Sharkey March 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Skoalrebel, where are you?!?!

Spurning Beer March 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Haven't seen him around the trailer park yet today.

GuyClinch March 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Mittens will ramp up the pander by stressing that "instant grits are, of course, unacceptable."

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

If they take less than 20 minutes to cook , they must be some kinda magic grits.

SoBeach March 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Good work, Mitt. Southerners just love it when effete northerners go on an on about the cute way they talk and the funny stuff they eat.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I can't comment on Southerners per se, but people from Jersey always think it's funny when somebody imitates their accent.

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Romney Campaign Tactics

1. Gather indigenous information about the state you are traveling to/speaking in. This could include (but is not limited to):

a. Food
b. Climate
c. Industry
d. Dialect

Freely comment on the above in a lighthearted manner; the desired outcome is being regarded as "one of them". Remember, voters enjoy identifying (and sometimes even interacting!) with their chosen candidate.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Good Lord, that was perfect. Which PR firm did you used to work for/sabotage?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I really wish some liberal would sneak in there and stick in a reference to a snipe hunt.

"Another thing I used to like to do as a kid with my dad was to go snipe hunting. He let me carry the sticky stick and dirt bag. I caught a snipe that was yo big, so big I had to measure it with a metric adjustable wrench!"

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:41 pm

"And what about that… local sports team? Go, sports team!"

smokefilledroommate March 11, 2012 at 4:41 am

Mitt likes watching the Green Bay Crackers in Lambert Field.

north_of_moscow March 9, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"As a walking stereotype myself, I love your quaint foodstuffs and charming mannerisms!"

CogitoErgoBibo March 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"I also greatly enjoy your local delicacy, biscuits and red eye gravy." (Leans back and whispers to handler: "That isn't really made with eyes, is it?")

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Wait till he visits Chinatown and they serve him flied lice.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Mississippi Boring.

neiltheblaze March 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

This is why I base all of my votes on what my candidate eats for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Sure he likes grits, but how does he feel about whomp biscuits?

Ruhe March 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Maybe while he's in the south he can learn to dog-whistle. That's still an area of skill where he lags behind Newt.

Allmighty_Manos March 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I prefer Al Gore's more honest approach.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

???

dadanarchist March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"I like Turtles!" – Zombie Mitt Romney

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Mitt, I'll see your "love of grits" and raise you a koolaid pickle. GAME ON, motherfucker.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Gasp!

SheriffRoscoe March 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I was thinking something mayonaissey mixed with lemon jello and cheddar cheese. That's an actual dish I have seen not-distant-enough kinfolk make, and I want to see Mittens eat it.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

That actually doesn't sound completely horrible. Unlike, say, tomato aspic, which my otherwise-sainted Baptist grandmother was forbidden from making EVER.

neiltheblaze March 9, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I wonder how bored the person who thought up KoolAid pickles was that day….

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

They live in Mississippi…

Local_Mojo March 9, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Just learned of this today on the Oxford American's video about Holmes County's obesity problem. Yewww!

On the other hand, Mama pickles figs with cinnamon heart candy — and they are amazingly tasty.

Loaded_Pants March 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hehe…"koolickles"…

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"Ah yes, Mississippi. I feel as though I've come home. I remember as a kid having our butler bring us warm bowls of scrapples after warm bowls of scrapples."

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Pandermonium, y'all.

Jus_Wonderin March 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I heard this grits thing on NPR this morning. I was…wtf????

lochnessmonster March 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

me too…sounded like he was trying out his Southern strategy slang/dialect!

CapeClod March 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Comes off as a trifle inauthentic, doesn't he?

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I'll say!

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi?

Tonight, there'll be a lynchin'…

Puffperney March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

MItt just needs to relax and be himself (if there is one in there). As John Prine sings in "Dear Abby" : "You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't."

HarryButtle March 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Mittens would disappear entirely.

(and now I can't get Illegal Smile out of my head)

SkinnyNerd March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I read the initial title "I like Grits" as "I like Girls." I got a little nervous there at the beginning.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

GRITS OR GTFO!!!

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"My bodyguard told me that Mississippi folk and the Romney clan would hit it off right away" Romney continued "And now I see that he was right when he told me that you'd welcome me like you did Goodman, Chaney and Schwerner, who he tells me were great football stars for Ole Miss. Now, look there, Billy-bob's laughing, because he knew all along that what he told me is true."

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Whenever I listen to Willard, I'm, reminded of something my Dad used to say – "His brain's in neutral and his jaw's in high gear".

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 3:27 pm
DemmeFatale March 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

That's nothing, Mitt.
George Allen likes ham!

Toomush_Infer March 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

and what about Lindseys' ham biscuits…?

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"Now, watch this drive".

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Instat gritz?… and cigs… and cakes we like…

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I bet Tim Polenta wishes he'd stayed in the race.

Soylent Green March 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

'cause he can do a wicked Jim Nabors impression?

BlueStateLibel March 9, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Yes, different cultures are "strange," Mitt, it certainly is curious how the humans have different dialects and preferences. Remember to report this when you return to your home planet.

Schmegeg March 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

He'll also meet with the overseer to see how the Darkies are doing in the field. That will come naturally to him.

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"And what I especially love about Mississippi is the cars. Japanese and Korean cars, made in non-union factories."

Dudleydidwrong March 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm

'No, I don't happen to drive any of those, but I know several of the owners of the companies."

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

And the trees are just the right amount of choked to death by kudzu.

not that Dewey March 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

"Vote for the other guy."

mavenmaven March 9, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Tucked in business shirt and jeans. He's a Glamour Don't!

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 3:32 pm

He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard; plus everything that comes out of Willard's mouth already annoys me, so hearing that really puts me in a bad mood.

MissTaken March 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Yeah no.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Hee. And It's good to see you're able to spend a little bit of time here today at least.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The secret to speaking Southern (Suth'n) is to make one-syllable words into two syllables, and cut out a syllable where possible. Thus:

"My brother Ed from Louisville" becomes

"Mah brutha Ay-yed from Loovul."

ProgressiveInga March 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Or making a one syllable word into a 2-syllable:
"Sin" becomes "Seee-unn"

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm

One of many intersections of "Southern" and "Blah." Charles and Kenny and all the NBA commentators on ESPN and TNT are like, "do you think the Magic are going to move Da-Wight Howard before the trade deadline?"

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I like "y'all", it provides the second person plural not otherwise available in English, and which is useful in a lot of contexts. For business emails, I make a point of using it in the more formal "you-all."

SorosBot March 10, 2012 at 10:17 am

No, "youse" is the proper second person plural; "y'all" is used by Southerners and very annoying.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:49 pm

"He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard"

Seriously!
Second person plural is "you guys" [formal] or "youse" [familiar].

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Grits are truly an awesome food. I love them. I would NEVER admit this to a Southerner, though. I'd be, all, "Grits? Their OK. But I'm from Seattle, have you ever tried quinoa?"

Just to be a dick.

Pat_Pending March 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Quinoa gives me horrible gas. Just sayin'.

finallyhappy March 9, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I had steel cut oats for breakfast(and maybe that is what gave me horrible gas- or more likely the Indian food at lunch). So just saying that north of DC tonight, possible weaponized human gas

MadBrahms March 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"I didn't fight in the War Against Northern Aggression, but some of my best friends owned black people"

Sharkey March 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

He'll get my vote if he rassels an alleygator.

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That's for the Louisiana Primary.

CountryClubJihadi March 9, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"Who Let The Hogs Out?" or GTFO.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Hey Mitt: I like grits and say "y'all" every once in a while too, but there is no way in hell I would ever vote for you!!

Wilcoxyz March 9, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Tea baggers still don't like carpetbaggers.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

*is awestruck*

FNMA March 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Not to interrupt, but reviewing today's posts — non-stop idiocy on such a grand scale that it clearly makes an exceptional case for America's "specialness" — I have come to the conclusion that I really, really need to stop at the liquor store on the way home today.

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Just don't buy Southern Comfort.

FNMA March 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Christ no. That shit is terrible. I'm a bourbon person, Buffalo Trace being one of my favorites at the moment. Put it in a glass and drink. Repeat as necessary. (I know, "put it in a glass," fucking elitist.)

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:51 pm

George Dickel and Henry McKenna are also good, but can be hard to find.

Toomush_Infer March 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Okay, allright – he should try Arsenic….it's an ole suthren tradition….

barto March 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Could he just keeping heading south? Please?

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

What would Raul Castro say?

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I mean, we haven't finished cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico from the last time it was polluted with corporate oil.

GOPCrusher March 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Maybe he should mention where he stands on Haley Barbour pardoning all those prisoners just before he left office.

imissopus March 9, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Next we need you to work on dropping your g's, Mittster. Try saying that last line again like so: Strange things are happenin' to me…

owhatever March 9, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And I like to play the banjo, too. And I know about how people have trouble spelling Missichusetts. And that Newt is the anti-Christ. who wants to marinate the white women. And about lynching…Anybody out here been lynched? Raise your hands.

Millennial Malaise March 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm

For (Mormon) Christ's sake! Isn't Mitt supposed to be the smart one? I didn't realize the spectrum of the southern experience could be encompassed by "y'all" to grits.

How many times does he have to embarrass himself like this before one of his advisors tell him to stop trying to connect with the little people?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I'm taking bets now for romneys inevitable visit to Washington state (bellevue) during the election. Will he say he likes coffee or salmon? And is the space needle just the right height?

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm

No coffee, Joe Smith forbids it!!

UnholyMoses March 9, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Mitt is like pre-chitlin chitlins: Full of shit.

el_donaldo March 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

No one not raised in the South likes grits. He might as well claim to like cornbread made without sugar. But biscuits and sausage gravy? That's something y'all might like.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

You can't keep us Great Migration Black Folks out of the grits lovin'!

vulpes82 March 9, 2012 at 10:29 pm

The Warmth of Other Grits

mrblifil March 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It's a typo. He likes gits.

zedbot March 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Grits. That's the stuff from the bottom of your golf shoes that gets tracked into the clubhouse and left on the heirloom carpet, right?

chascates March 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"I sho does lak me sum grits an' a mess 'o greens!" The Jesus Goblins will see right through that and vote for true Southerner Rick Santorum.

bonghitforjesus March 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Hey Mitt- eat squirrel or GTFO.

lochnessmonster March 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Great idea showing who your body guard is so they can take him out!

OneYieldRegular March 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I'll bet $10,000 Ameros that Mitt has a full-time staff person on his campaign charged with determining at each campaign stop whether he should say "pancakes," "hotcakes," "griddlecakes" or "flapjacks."

vulpes82 March 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm

And another for the all-important "hoagie"/"sub" distinction. It's a whole team to keep the "soda"/"pop"/"Coke"/"tonic" mess straight.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Lenny Bruce had a bit where he was traveling out West and tried to order a sub. Blank looks from the counterman. He also had no luck with hoagie, hero, and grinder. He finally described what he wanted, and the counterman, with a look of dawning comprehension, said, "Oh, you mean a *guinea sandwich*!"

Lenny said he only hoped that the counterman would someday visit New York or Philadelphia and ask Dominick and Vinny in the sub shop for a "guinea sandwich". *punching fist into opposite palm* "Yeah, I'll give you a guinea sandwich, you bastid!"

Neoyorquino March 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Grits? Meh. Just countrified polenta. Tho, I suspect they only eat grits in real America.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

I like to make "grits" using polenta and chicken broth. Way more flavor than the white stuff!

Isyaignert March 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Rmoney = Woody Allen's Zelig – http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Zelig

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

But not as popular.

CarnyTrash March 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

He was the guy who smashed my car up. It was brand new. Then he backed-up over my mother's wrist. She's elderly… and uses her wrist a lot.

Schmegeg March 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"I could really get to like it here, with the grits and all, except the Trees are just not the same height. I mean, WTF. Michigan just has it all over you rednecks."

Infrogmation March 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Can't wait to see Romney wrestle a gator to death for the Louisiana Primary.

vtxmcrider March 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

By next week he'll be telling them he eats chicken fried steak on the veranda and relaxes by reading his many books on the War of Northern Aggression.

Soylent Green March 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Even Mr. Drysdale didn't stoop so low as to pretend to be one with the Hillbillies!

unclejeems March 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Mitt Romney, honorary Aryan.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Grits are good. Grits with cheese is great. I've had cheese grits, I've heard people order and talk about cheese grits. Today, listening to Mitt was the first time in 70+ years I've ever heard the term: "cheesy grits". He just can't help but fuck-up, can he?

rocktonsam March 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

what a dork!

swordfis March 9, 2012 at 9:21 pm

It's painful to look at Mitt for more than 5 seconds.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Not since Nixon was President have we seen such robot-with-blown-circuits awkwardness. I swear to god one of these days Mitt is going to slip and reveal the cogs beneath his faceplate a la Westworld.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

A Southern man don't need Mitt around, anyhow.

outragedcitizen March 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

Please let the South secede this time but only it they take all the GOP candidates with them.

Warwhatgoodfor March 10, 2012 at 11:36 am

I prefer hash myself, as in "didn't ol Ulysses S Grant settle their hash back in 1863"? To each their own, I guess.

amoosefloats March 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Soon he will feel the urge to marry his cousin and move into a octo-wide trailer, he is rich you know.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I find it difficult to masturbate to your comments.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You're not trying to discover our Editrix's policy on link-whoring by any chance, are you?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Oh good lord, she really IS blonde!

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

At first the craziness was funny, but now it's just getting tiresome. How long will it take for the banhammer to come down?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

R word out, but blogwhoring now really cool? Whatever.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Are you still running around with that little shtickse?

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Baby I'm a-maized

MissTaken March 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"Fabricated Surges" is on the banned list, no?

cheetojeebus March 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Once when i got guardia (you do NOT want guardia) i had "fabricated surges".

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I think that's a euphemism for faking an orgasm.

Freud McShadenies March 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I think "Fabricated Surges" should mean Rick Santorum (esp. wearing his sweatervest)

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Shtick stains can be embarassing.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Serves you rice.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 11:23 pm

"Shucks [...] flakes"

TWO grain-related puns? SoBeach is a cereal punner!

imissopus March 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

These jokes are great. Anyone mind if I twheat them?

imissopus March 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Okay guys, shtick a fork in it already.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

What are "Things Mrs. Breitbart said at the funeral"?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Just make sure you attribute them properly and don't try to put your own bran on the like Crooks and Liars does

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm

These comments don't play well with the hicks from the shticks

imissopus March 9, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I like to think she quoted MLK's "Free at Last" speech without irony.

not that Dewey March 9, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I can barley get a word in edgewise.

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

These remarks really go against the grain.

not that Dewey March 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I can't endurum much longer.

AbandonHope March 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

TRITICALE!

…Crap, I lose.

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Why do you cause Tribble like that?

teebob2000 March 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I'd like to skullshtick that comment.

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