How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi? He will simply explain to them that being Southern is a disease, which he has now caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard. “This guy I see every day time after time after time,” he says — that is how contagion works, folks — and a result he is “learning to say ‘y’all’” and enjoy popular peasant foods such as grits. How does the disease make you feel, Mittens? “Strange,” he admits. Mitt Romney feels your pain, Mississippi.
But do not feel too concerned yet, as Mittens is only at Stage I of the disease and as of yet only an “unofficial Southerner.” But just give it a few days. He’ll be sporting a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it and reminiscing about secession by next week. [The Hill]
{ 279 comments }
"I love lamp." -Mitt Romney
"Mitt, are you just looking at constituencies and saying that you love them?"
Yeah, Mittens will be sporting a fanny pack, all right.
Then he'll be fishin'.
~
Mitt reminds me of the guy in the upscale steakhouse who interrupts your meal to ask how you are enjoying it.
But wouldn't give a shit whatever your reply.
I picture him more as a Brooks Brothers sales person. "Accidental," guilt-free junk groping as he takes your measurements!
What is this "upscale" you speak of? Do they serve the hobo beans with a spoon? And what is "steak" and "house"?
"Is everything delicious?"
Are we talking Ponderosa here or real fancy like- Steak and Brew?
But are the trees the right height?
"The swamps here, they're just the right amount of swampiness."
I'm pretty sure you DON'T want to ask that in Mizz-sippy.
Where do the Mormons stand on cousin fucking?
It's okay, just as long as no contraceptives are used.
Nor using the s-e-x word.
You don't really think they had all that polygamy out in the fucking wilderness without SOME incest, do you?
Upright and rigid. Duh.
As long as it's done in a group.
First cousins can only be third wives or lower.
Right about here.
*points to spot on floor a few feet from the bed with a good viewing angle, and not blocking the light*
Another ad hominy libel. (sorry)
That's corny.
With a kernel of truth.
I'm Orville Redenbacher and I approve of this witty, corn-based repartee.
I call bullshit. You're a pone-y Redenbacher…
I hope there's polenta more where that came from.
Shucks, you'd think I'd know by now not to read these threads after you flakes get started.
[Chichikovovich grits his teeth so hard he gets a sorghum.]
Millet. I find that helps ease the tension
I'd make a rye comment, but we're not supposed to make fun of grain disorders anymore.
Maybe if you spelt it differently…
I likes me some Rominey grits.
"I like grits." Finally, a Mittens I can… believe in… like… vote for?
Nope, he's still a uber riche snobby tool.
What else do you like Mitt?
Besides firing and baptizing people?
He likes to watch?
He likes cars. And trees*!
*proper height only.
Hitler? (sorry, I hadda do it)
Heavyweight wives?
Rooftop dog carriers?
Money. He likes money.
Well, I like grits and everything corn, including cornholing.
Hopefully he will make no demands that US America should "Kiss his grits."
Only in Florence, Alabama.
Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers.
good old grits romney.
Mitt "Hominy" Romney?
Do you like
green eggs and ham
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
Would you like them
Here or there?
I would not like them
here or there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am
Mitt, it's Mississippi, they don't want to hear all that. You need to talk about gays, lady parts, and how Jesus wrote the Constitution.
And guns, oppressing them black folk and messicans, and Obamercare. And don't forget Nascar.
And how only Babtists will get into heaven…
"The green vine you southerners have used to landscape your utility poles and lines is just lovely. What do you call it?
What would mittens know about an invasive, parasitic species that threatens to strangle the life out of every other living…oh, nevermind!
I'll bet $10,000 that all the kudzu is just the right height. You all.
Mitt went on to say:
"I have some friends who are slave owners."
Clear Channel?
College football.
win
Some of his best friends are blah…
Slave owners are people, too, my friend.
If you strap your dog to the roof of your car, you might be a redneck.
Or a dick head from Massachusetts.
Just Massachusetts. Redneck strap N*******S to their roofs.
In Texas they just tow them.
Class knows no income.
It seems unlikely to me that any redneck worth his gun rack would strap a perfectly good huntin' dog to the roof of his car.
Besides which, they all drive pickup trucks, which they call "trucks", anyway.
Some of his best friends own grit mills.
"My wife has two Cadillacs up on cinder blocks."
I'd like to have sex with this comment.
Oh I see, we're stealing shticks now??
I'd like to have shticks with this comment.
I have comments about said shticks.
Finally a comment I can get behind.
Shticking to the subject, as it were….
"I don't eat grits, but I do know the people who own the patents on the DNA of the GM corn that your grits are made from." And my wife makes two kinds of polenta.
Straynge thangs, alraght: Sheeit fer brainz….
I find if I think of Grits as hillbilly Polenta it eats better.
The secret to grits is cooking them really really slow.
Only way I can eat them is with a bunch of sharp cheddar melted in them, then mixed with sauteed shrimp, crumbled bacon, and green onion. Mmmm. I think I know what's for dinner tonight.
Mmm, food porn is still allowed!!
Stone ground white grits with a lot of cheese and sriracha (rooster) sauce is great! But I do use organic local corn so I guess it's not hillbilly anymore.
Or half-ass it and use instant grits. Um. Not that I do. Uh. Ever. Hi mom!
The In-Between Quick Grits cook in only 10 minutes. Much better than Instant.
Po'lenna sounds gay ta me…yew know, like how Clem allus talkin' bout Cletus and how he'd like to put his polenna hem…
I saw this story in print earlier and thought it said "I like girls" which seemed like something he really should be clarifying considering he's such an enormous douche.
Right — let's hear him pronounce "chitterlings."
He won't be addressing the kind of crowd that would be pandered to with that word.
I believe the proper pronunciation is [nas-tee].
I said kiddly, diddle I?
Is he gonna catch "the gay" on a trip to San Francisco?
"The cocks are the right length here!"
"A couple of my friends own rentboy.com."
He went on to say
"I love the bears. There's something very special here–the great bears, but also all the little inland bears that dot the parts of California. I love twinks. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with twinks. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a twink, I could tell what race it was, and age, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese twinks, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American twinks pretty well and pound a Mustang. I love twinks. I love American twinks. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you."
This is just plain brilliant.
Romney was at a Mississippi Republican Party event with Haley Barbour. While walking to the stage, Romney accidentally bumps into Barbour and says, "Pardon me!"
Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease. Only rodeo people do that. And as someone who knows more about rodeo and western style (much against my will, btw, but you can't help picking up certain info when you live where I do) I can certify, he doesn't look like a rodeo rider to me.
Save a horse, ride a cowboy…but not that one!
Given Mitt's nature, his jeans starch up the moment he puts them on, "one leg at a time just like any normal person," he would no doubt say.
It's the starched jeans, combined with the button-down collar, that give Mitt his trademark je ne sais blah appearance.
Yes my Mother in Law originally hailed from around Eric Oklahoma she left during the dust bowl. Even though she lived in the Northeast for decades she never felt we wore “dungarees” properly.
"Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!"
This made me guffaw out loud.
I can't stop laughing at "rodeo people". *wipes tear*
I think Mitt looks great in mom jeans.
I was very surprised to find out recently that are apparently a real thing, still in 2012. That seems so weird.
Uncomfortable in jeans? Romney looks uncomfortable trying to mimic a carbon-based lifeform.
Those aren't jeans, they're dungarees.
I think Mitt's crowd refers to them as denim slacks
Rick Perry thinks Mittens looks good, damn good, in Brooks Bros denim.
Tweety always refers to him as wearing "mom jeans."
If Mittens really wants to be "in" with the rodeo crowd he needs a real cowboy hat, jingly spurs and assless chaps.
Been wearing jeans since l950's (Levis 501's exclusively). I've know two or three men who wore pressed jeans (starch and a crease). Invariably, they seemed to be the type of man who would step out of the shower to take a leak.
"Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease."
When I worked at the hospital, one of our residents was *always* dressed to the nines. Never anything ostentatious, but if he was in a group of ten people wearing identical jeans and t-shirts, somehow you knew John was wearing cashmere socks. John had his jeans dry-cleaned.
Wait'll he tries hog jowls and possum innards
Or red-eye gravy.
Vittles!
With fixins!
Road kill cordon bleu…..?
You think he'd actually indulge in vittles? I can't imagine him settin' down to a mess a Southern fried muskrat and asking for a heapin' second heppin! Not even at the fancy eatin' table!
Have you ever set down to a big plate o' hog jowls and chicken grits?
'Ave you ever snorted a fifth of Chivas through a guitar neck?
I'd like to see Mitt Romney take a dip in the cement pond.
Clearly, he's already had too much squirrel brains.
Jesus christ that man has negative soul.
I'd believe him more if he said "I like grits" in between dips of snuff.
An endorsement from SkoalRebel would go a long way, too.
He should try it — turning green and puking might convince some voters that he was human.
*spit*
Mitt is trying to give Newt the knock-out punch.
I saw cotton
and I saw black
Tall white mansions
and little shacks.
Southern man
when will you
pay them back?
I heard screamin'
and bullwhips cracking
How long? How long?
I hope RMoney will remember
A southern man don't need him around anyhow
I like True Gritts.
"strange things are happening to me."
-grittens romney, trying to convince people to elect him president
This reminds me that I must watch "My Cousin Vinny" again. I see some similarities. Dress him up like Rhett Butler and the boy will do fine.
He's a very poor imitation of Joe Pesci.
He'll never get the Yoot vote.
"Don't you have any apparel that is not made of leather?"
Skoalrebel, where are you?!?!
Haven't seen him around the trailer park yet today.
Mittens will ramp up the pander by stressing that "instant grits are, of course, unacceptable."
If they take less than 20 minutes to cook , they must be some kinda magic grits.
Good work, Mitt. Southerners just love it when effete northerners go on an on about the cute way they talk and the funny stuff they eat.
I can't comment on Southerners per se, but people from Jersey always think it's funny when somebody imitates their accent.
Romney Campaign Tactics
1. Gather indigenous information about the state you are traveling to/speaking in. This could include (but is not limited to):
a. Food
b. Climate
c. Industry
d. Dialect
Freely comment on the above in a lighthearted manner; the desired outcome is being regarded as "one of them". Remember, voters enjoy identifying (and sometimes even interacting!) with their chosen candidate.
Good Lord, that was perfect. Which PR firm did you used to work for/sabotage?
I really wish some liberal would sneak in there and stick in a reference to a snipe hunt.
"Another thing I used to like to do as a kid with my dad was to go snipe hunting. He let me carry the sticky stick and dirt bag. I caught a snipe that was yo big, so big I had to measure it with a metric adjustable wrench!"
"And what about that… local sports team? Go, sports team!"
Mitt likes watching the Green Bay Crackers in Lambert Field.
"As a walking stereotype myself, I love your quaint foodstuffs and charming mannerisms!"
"I also greatly enjoy your local delicacy, biscuits and red eye gravy." (Leans back and whispers to handler: "That isn't really made with eyes, is it?")
Wait till he visits Chinatown and they serve him flied lice.
Mississippi Boring.
This is why I base all of my votes on what my candidate eats for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know.
Sure he likes grits, but how does he feel about whomp biscuits?
Maybe while he's in the south he can learn to dog-whistle. That's still an area of skill where he lags behind Newt.
I prefer Al Gore's more honest approach.
???
"I like Turtles!" – Zombie Mitt Romney
Mitt, I'll see your "love of grits" and raise you a koolaid pickle. GAME ON, motherfucker.
Gasp!
I was thinking something mayonaissey mixed with lemon jello and cheddar cheese. That's an actual dish I have seen not-distant-enough kinfolk make, and I want to see Mittens eat it.
That actually doesn't sound completely horrible. Unlike, say, tomato aspic, which my otherwise-sainted Baptist grandmother was forbidden from making EVER.
I wonder how bored the person who thought up KoolAid pickles was that day….
They live in Mississippi…
Just learned of this today on the Oxford American's video about Holmes County's obesity problem. Yewww!
On the other hand, Mama pickles figs with cinnamon heart candy — and they are amazingly tasty.
Hehe…"koolickles"…
"Ah yes, Mississippi. I feel as though I've come home. I remember as a kid having our butler bring us warm bowls of scrapples after warm bowls of scrapples."
Pandermonium, y'all.
I heard this grits thing on NPR this morning. I was…wtf????
me too…sounded like he was trying out his Southern strategy slang/dialect!
Comes off as a trifle inauthentic, doesn't he?
I'll say!
How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi?
Tonight, there'll be a lynchin'…
MItt just needs to relax and be himself (if there is one in there). As John Prine sings in "Dear Abby" : "You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't."
Mittens would disappear entirely.
(and now I can't get Illegal Smile out of my head)
I read the initial title "I like Grits" as "I like Girls." I got a little nervous there at the beginning.
GRITS OR GTFO!!!
"My bodyguard told me that Mississippi folk and the Romney clan would hit it off right away" Romney continued "And now I see that he was right when he told me that you'd welcome me like you did Goodman, Chaney and Schwerner, who he tells me were great football stars for Ole Miss. Now, look there, Billy-bob's laughing, because he knew all along that what he told me is true."
Whenever I listen to Willard, I'm, reminded of something my Dad used to say – "His brain's in neutral and his jaw's in high gear".
Your mind is on vacation -and your mouth is working overtime.
That's nothing, Mitt.
George Allen likes ham!
and what about Lindseys' ham biscuits…?
"Now, watch this drive".
Instat gritz?… and cigs… and cakes we like…
I bet Tim Polenta wishes he'd stayed in the race.
'cause he can do a wicked Jim Nabors impression?
Yes, different cultures are "strange," Mitt, it certainly is curious how the humans have different dialects and preferences. Remember to report this when you return to your home planet.
He'll also meet with the overseer to see how the Darkies are doing in the field. That will come naturally to him.
"And what I especially love about Mississippi is the cars. Japanese and Korean cars, made in non-union factories."
'No, I don't happen to drive any of those, but I know several of the owners of the companies."
And the trees are just the right amount of choked to death by kudzu.
"Vote for the other guy."
Tucked in business shirt and jeans. He's a Glamour Don't!
He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard; plus everything that comes out of Willard's mouth already annoys me, so hearing that really puts me in a bad mood.
Yeah no.
Hee. And It's good to see you're able to spend a little bit of time here today at least.
The secret to speaking Southern (Suth'n) is to make one-syllable words into two syllables, and cut out a syllable where possible. Thus:
"My brother Ed from Louisville" becomes
"Mah brutha Ay-yed from Loovul."
Or making a one syllable word into a 2-syllable:
"Sin" becomes "Seee-unn"
One of many intersections of "Southern" and "Blah." Charles and Kenny and all the NBA commentators on ESPN and TNT are like, "do you think the Magic are going to move Da-Wight Howard before the trade deadline?"
I like "y'all", it provides the second person plural not otherwise available in English, and which is useful in a lot of contexts. For business emails, I make a point of using it in the more formal "you-all."
No, "youse" is the proper second person plural; "y'all" is used by Southerners and very annoying.
"He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard"
Seriously!
Second person plural is "you guys" [formal] or "youse" [familiar].
Grits are truly an awesome food. I love them. I would NEVER admit this to a Southerner, though. I'd be, all, "Grits? Their OK. But I'm from Seattle, have you ever tried quinoa?"
Just to be a dick.
Quinoa gives me horrible gas. Just sayin'.
I had steel cut oats for breakfast(and maybe that is what gave me horrible gas- or more likely the Indian food at lunch). So just saying that north of DC tonight, possible weaponized human gas
"I didn't fight in the War Against Northern Aggression, but some of my best friends owned black people"
He'll get my vote if he rassels an alleygator.
That's for the Louisiana Primary.
"Who Let The Hogs Out?" or GTFO.
Hey Mitt: I like grits and say "y'all" every once in a while too, but there is no way in hell I would ever vote for you!!
Tea baggers still don't like carpetbaggers.
*is awestruck*
Not to interrupt, but reviewing today's posts — non-stop idiocy on such a grand scale that it clearly makes an exceptional case for America's "specialness" — I have come to the conclusion that I really, really need to stop at the liquor store on the way home today.
Just don't buy Southern Comfort.
Christ no. That shit is terrible. I'm a bourbon person, Buffalo Trace being one of my favorites at the moment. Put it in a glass and drink. Repeat as necessary. (I know, "put it in a glass," fucking elitist.)
George Dickel and Henry McKenna are also good, but can be hard to find.
Okay, allright – he should try Arsenic….it's an ole suthren tradition….
Could he just keeping heading south? Please?
What would Raul Castro say?
I mean, we haven't finished cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico from the last time it was polluted with corporate oil.
Maybe he should mention where he stands on Haley Barbour pardoning all those prisoners just before he left office.
Next we need you to work on dropping your g's, Mittster. Try saying that last line again like so: Strange things are happenin' to me…
And I like to play the banjo, too. And I know about how people have trouble spelling Missichusetts. And that Newt is the anti-Christ. who wants to marinate the white women. And about lynching…Anybody out here been lynched? Raise your hands.
For (Mormon) Christ's sake! Isn't Mitt supposed to be the smart one? I didn't realize the spectrum of the southern experience could be encompassed by "y'all" to grits.
How many times does he have to embarrass himself like this before one of his advisors tell him to stop trying to connect with the little people?
I'm taking bets now for romneys inevitable visit to Washington state (bellevue) during the election. Will he say he likes coffee or salmon? And is the space needle just the right height?
No coffee, Joe Smith forbids it!!
Mitt is like pre-chitlin chitlins: Full of shit.
No one not raised in the South likes grits. He might as well claim to like cornbread made without sugar. But biscuits and sausage gravy? That's something y'all might like.
You can't keep us Great Migration Black Folks out of the grits lovin'!
The Warmth of Other Grits
It's a typo. He likes gits.
Grits. That's the stuff from the bottom of your golf shoes that gets tracked into the clubhouse and left on the heirloom carpet, right?
"I sho does lak me sum grits an' a mess 'o greens!" The Jesus Goblins will see right through that and vote for true Southerner Rick Santorum.
Hey Mitt- eat squirrel or GTFO.
Great idea showing who your body guard is so they can take him out!
I'll bet $10,000 Ameros that Mitt has a full-time staff person on his campaign charged with determining at each campaign stop whether he should say "pancakes," "hotcakes," "griddlecakes" or "flapjacks."
And another for the all-important "hoagie"/"sub" distinction. It's a whole team to keep the "soda"/"pop"/"Coke"/"tonic" mess straight.
Lenny Bruce had a bit where he was traveling out West and tried to order a sub. Blank looks from the counterman. He also had no luck with hoagie, hero, and grinder. He finally described what he wanted, and the counterman, with a look of dawning comprehension, said, "Oh, you mean a *guinea sandwich*!"
Lenny said he only hoped that the counterman would someday visit New York or Philadelphia and ask Dominick and Vinny in the sub shop for a "guinea sandwich". *punching fist into opposite palm* "Yeah, I'll give you a guinea sandwich, you bastid!"
Grits? Meh. Just countrified polenta. Tho, I suspect they only eat grits in real America.
I like to make "grits" using polenta and chicken broth. Way more flavor than the white stuff!
Rmoney = Woody Allen's Zelig – http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Zelig
But not as popular.
He was the guy who smashed my car up. It was brand new. Then he backed-up over my mother's wrist. She's elderly… and uses her wrist a lot.
"I could really get to like it here, with the grits and all, except the Trees are just not the same height. I mean, WTF. Michigan just has it all over you rednecks."
Can't wait to see Romney wrestle a gator to death for the Louisiana Primary.
By next week he'll be telling them he eats chicken fried steak on the veranda and relaxes by reading his many books on the War of Northern Aggression.
Even Mr. Drysdale didn't stoop so low as to pretend to be one with the Hillbillies!
Mitt Romney, honorary Aryan.
Grits are good. Grits with cheese is great. I've had cheese grits, I've heard people order and talk about cheese grits. Today, listening to Mitt was the first time in 70+ years I've ever heard the term: "cheesy grits". He just can't help but fuck-up, can he?
what a dork!
It's painful to look at Mitt for more than 5 seconds.
Not since Nixon was President have we seen such robot-with-blown-circuits awkwardness. I swear to god one of these days Mitt is going to slip and reveal the cogs beneath his faceplate a la Westworld.
A Southern man don't need Mitt around, anyhow.
Please let the South secede this time but only it they take all the GOP candidates with them.
I prefer hash myself, as in "didn't ol Ulysses S Grant settle their hash back in 1863"? To each their own, I guess.
Soon he will feel the urge to marry his cousin and move into a octo-wide trailer, he is rich you know.
I find it difficult to masturbate to your comments.
You're not trying to discover our Editrix's policy on link-whoring by any chance, are you?
Oh good lord, she really IS blonde!
At first the craziness was funny, but now it's just getting tiresome. How long will it take for the banhammer to come down?
R word out, but blogwhoring now really cool? Whatever.
Are you still running around with that little shtickse?
Baby I'm a-maized
"Fabricated Surges" is on the banned list, no?
Once when i got guardia (you do NOT want guardia) i had "fabricated surges".
I think that's a euphemism for faking an orgasm.
I think "Fabricated Surges" should mean Rick Santorum (esp. wearing his sweatervest)
Shtick stains can be embarassing.
Serves you rice.
"Shucks [...] flakes"
TWO grain-related puns? SoBeach is a cereal punner!
These jokes are great. Anyone mind if I twheat them?
Okay guys, shtick a fork in it already.
What are "Things Mrs. Breitbart said at the funeral"?
Just make sure you attribute them properly and don't try to put your own bran on the like Crooks and Liars does
These comments don't play well with the hicks from the shticks
I like to think she quoted MLK's "Free at Last" speech without irony.
I can barley get a word in edgewise.
These remarks really go against the grain.
I can't endurum much longer.
TRITICALE!
…Crap, I lose.
Why do you cause Tribble like that?
I'd like to skullshtick that comment.
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