true facts

Mitt Romney Is The Worst Panderer In All of History, Mississippi Edition

How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi? He will simply explain to them that being Southern is a disease, which he has now caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard. “This guy I see every day time after time after time,” he says — that is how contagion works, folks — and a result he is “learning to say ‘y’all'” and enjoy popular peasant foods such as grits. How does the disease make you feel, Mittens? “Strange,” he admits. Mitt Romney feels your pain, Mississippi.

But do not feel too concerned yet, as Mittens is only at Stage I of the disease and as of yet only an “unofficial Southerner.” But just give it a few days. He’ll be sporting a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it and reminiscing about secession by next week. he Hill]

Comments

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  • CarnyTrash

    "I love lamp." -Mitt Romney

    • teebob2000

      "Mitt, are you just looking at constituencies and saying that you love them?"

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Yeah, Mittens will be sporting a fanny pack, all right.

    Then he'll be fishin'.
    ~

  • Barb

    Mitt reminds me of the guy in the upscale steakhouse who interrupts your meal to ask how you are enjoying it.

    • DaR[edacted]

      But wouldn't give a shit whatever your reply.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I picture him more as a Brooks Brothers sales person. "Accidental," guilt-free junk groping as he takes your measurements!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      What is this "upscale" you speak of? Do they serve the hobo beans with a spoon? And what is "steak" and "house"?

    • OneYieldRegular

      "Is everything delicious?"

    • finallyhappy

      Are we talking Ponderosa here or real fancy like- Steak and Brew?

  • prommie

    But are the trees the right height?

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      "The swamps here, they're just the right amount of swampiness."

    • tessiee

      I'm pretty sure you DON'T want to ask that in Mizz-sippy.

  • FNMA

    Where do the Mormons stand on cousin fucking?

    • nounverb911

      It's okay, just as long as no contraceptives are used.

      • chicken_thief

        Nor using the s-e-x word.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You don't really think they had all that polygamy out in the fucking wilderness without SOME incest, do you?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Upright and rigid. Duh.

    • Fare la Volpe

      As long as it's done in a group.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      First cousins can only be third wives or lower.

    • teebob2000

      Right about here.

      *points to spot on floor a few feet from the bed with a good viewing angle, and not blocking the light*

  • memzilla

    Another ad hominy libel. (sorry)

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      That's corny.

      • memzilla

        With a kernel of truth.

        • Ruhe

          I'm Orville Redenbacher and I approve of this witty, corn-based repartee.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I call bullshit. You're a pone-y Redenbacher…

          • Doktor Zoom

            Baby I'm a-maized

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            These jokes are great. Anyone mind if I twheat them?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Just make sure you attribute them properly and don't try to put your own bran on the like Crooks and Liars does

        • anniegetyerfun

          I hope there's polenta more where that came from.

          • SoBeach

            Shucks, you'd think I'd know by now not to read these threads after you flakes get started.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Serves you rice.

          • not that Dewey

            I can barley get a word in edgewise.

          • HistoriCat

            These remarks really go against the grain.

          • not that Dewey

            I can't endurum much longer.

          • AbandonHope

            TRITICALE!

            …Crap, I lose.

          • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

            Why do you cause Tribble like that?

          • tessiee

            "Shucks […] flakes"

            TWO grain-related puns? SoBeach is a cereal punner!

    • Chichikovovich

      [Chichikovovich grits his teeth so hard he gets a sorghum.]

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Millet. I find that helps ease the tension

      • Doktor Zoom

        I'd make a rye comment, but we're not supposed to make fun of grain disorders anymore.

        • not that Dewey

          Maybe if you spelt it differently…

    • WhatTheHeck

      I likes me some Rominey grits.

  • OkieDokieDog

    "I like grits." Finally, a Mittens I can… believe in… like… vote for?
    Nope, he's still a uber riche snobby tool.

  • BlackRhino

    What else do you like Mitt?

    • nounverb911

      Besides firing and baptizing people?

      • LesBontemps

        He likes to watch?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      He likes cars. And trees*!

      *proper height only.

    • Pat_Pending

      Hitler? (sorry, I hadda do it)

    • chicken_thief

      Heavyweight wives?

    • zedbot

      Rooftop dog carriers?

    • tessiee

      Money. He likes money.

    • vtxmcrider

      Well, I like grits and everything corn, including cornholing.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Hopefully he will make no demands that US America should "Kiss his grits."

    • nounverb911

      Only in Florence, Alabama.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    good old grits romney.

    • Ruhe

      Mitt "Hominy" Romney?

  • Callyson

    Do you like
    green eggs and ham
    I do not like them,
    Sam-I-am.
    I do not like
    green eggs and ham.
    Would you like them
    Here or there?
    I would not like them
    here or there.
    I would not like them
    anywhere.
    I do not like
    green eggs and ham.
    I do not like them,
    Sam-I-am

  • Sassomatic

    Mitt, it's Mississippi, they don't want to hear all that. You need to talk about gays, lady parts, and how Jesus wrote the Constitution.

    • fartknocker

      And guns, oppressing them black folk and messicans, and Obamercare. And don't forget Nascar.

      • Doktor Zoom

        And how only Babtists will get into heaven…

  • DustBowlBlues

    "The green vine you southerners have used to landscape your utility poles and lines is just lovely. What do you call it?

    • Makinglifehell

      What would mittens know about an invasive, parasitic species that threatens to strangle the life out of every other living…oh, nevermind!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'll bet $10,000 that all the kudzu is just the right height. You all.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Mitt went on to say:

    "I have some friends who are slave owners."

    • nounverb911

      Clear Channel?

      • Fare la Volpe

        College football.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      win

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Some of his best friends are blah…

    • HarryButtle

      Slave owners are people, too, my friend.

  • SexySmurf

    If you strap your dog to the roof of your car, you might be a redneck.

    Or a dick head from Massachusetts.

    • Nostrildamus

      Just Massachusetts. Redneck strap N*******S to their roofs.

      • chicken_thief

        In Texas they just tow them.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Class knows no income.

    • tessiee

      It seems unlikely to me that any redneck worth his gun rack would strap a perfectly good huntin' dog to the roof of his car.
      Besides which, they all drive pickup trucks, which they call "trucks", anyway.

  • nounverb911

    Some of his best friends own grit mills.

  • ChernobylSoup

    "My wife has two Cadillacs up on cinder blocks."

    • LesBontemps

      I'd like to have sex with this comment.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh I see, we're stealing shticks now??

        • Chichikovovich

          I'd like to have shticks with this comment.

          • DaR[edacted]

            I have comments about said shticks.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Are you still running around with that little shtickse?

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Shtick stains can be embarassing.

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Okay guys, shtick a fork in it already.

          • Fare la Volpe

            What are "Things Mrs. Breitbart said at the funeral"?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            These comments don't play well with the hicks from the shticks

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            I like to think she quoted MLK's "Free at Last" speech without irony.

          • teebob2000

            I'd like to skullshtick that comment.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Finally a comment I can get behind.

        • chicken_thief

          Shticking to the subject, as it were….

  • prommie

    "I don't eat grits, but I do know the people who own the patents on the DNA of the GM corn that your grits are made from." And my wife makes two kinds of polenta.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Straynge thangs, alraght: Sheeit fer brainz….

  • Goonemeritus

    I find if I think of Grits as hillbilly Polenta it eats better.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      The secret to grits is cooking them really really slow.

      • SoBeach

        Only way I can eat them is with a bunch of sharp cheddar melted in them, then mixed with sauteed shrimp, crumbled bacon, and green onion. Mmmm. I think I know what's for dinner tonight.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Mmm, food porn is still allowed!!

        • bonghitforjesus

          Stone ground white grits with a lot of cheese and sriracha (rooster) sauce is great! But I do use organic local corn so I guess it's not hillbilly anymore.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Or half-ass it and use instant grits. Um. Not that I do. Uh. Ever. Hi mom!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          The In-Between Quick Grits cook in only 10 minutes. Much better than Instant.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Po'lenna sounds gay ta me…yew know, like how Clem allus talkin' bout Cletus and how he'd like to put his polenna hem…

  • justkillmenow

    I saw this story in print earlier and thought it said "I like girls" which seemed like something he really should be clarifying considering he's such an enormous douche.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Right — let's hear him pronounce "chitterlings."

    • SoBeach

      He won't be addressing the kind of crowd that would be pandered to with that word.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I believe the proper pronunciation is [nas-tee].

    • Doktor Zoom

      I said kiddly, diddle I?

  • DaRooster

    Is he gonna catch "the gay" on a trip to San Francisco?

    "The cocks are the right length here!"

    • chicken_thief

      "A couple of my friends own rentboy.com."

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        He went on to say

        "I love the bears. There's something very special here–the great bears, but also all the little inland bears that dot the parts of California. I love twinks. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with twinks. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a twink, I could tell what race it was, and age, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese twinks, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American twinks pretty well and pound a Mustang. I love twinks. I love American twinks. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you."

        • Veritas78

          This is just plain brilliant.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Romney was at a Mississippi Republican Party event with Haley Barbour. While walking to the stage, Romney accidentally bumps into Barbour and says, "Pardon me!"

  • DustBowlBlues

    Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease. Only rodeo people do that. And as someone who knows more about rodeo and western style (much against my will, btw, but you can't help picking up certain info when you live where I do) I can certify, he doesn't look like a rodeo rider to me.

    • justkillmenow

      Save a horse, ride a cowboy…but not that one!

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Given Mitt's nature, his jeans starch up the moment he puts them on, "one leg at a time just like any normal person," he would no doubt say.

    • memzilla

      It's the starched jeans, combined with the button-down collar, that give Mitt his trademark je ne sais blah appearance.

    • Goonemeritus

      Yes my Mother in Law originally hailed from around Eric Oklahoma she left during the dust bowl. Even though she lived in the Northeast for decades she never felt we wore “dungarees” properly.

      • Makinglifehell

        "Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!"

        • tessiee

          This made me guffaw out loud.

    • freakishlywrong

      I can't stop laughing at "rodeo people". *wipes tear*

    • CarnyTrash

      I think Mitt looks great in mom jeans.

    • SorosBot

      I was very surprised to find out recently that are apparently a real thing, still in 2012. That seems so weird.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Uncomfortable in jeans? Romney looks uncomfortable trying to mimic a carbon-based lifeform.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Those aren't jeans, they're dungarees.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I think Mitt's crowd refers to them as denim slacks

    • chicken_thief

      Rick Perry thinks Mittens looks good, damn good, in Brooks Bros denim.

    • teebob2000

      Tweety always refers to him as wearing "mom jeans."

    • ThundercatHo

      If Mittens really wants to be "in" with the rodeo crowd he needs a real cowboy hat, jingly spurs and assless chaps.

    • ttommyunger

      Been wearing jeans since l950's (Levis 501's exclusively). I've know two or three men who wore pressed jeans (starch and a crease). Invariably, they seemed to be the type of man who would step out of the shower to take a leak.

    • tessiee

      "Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease."

      When I worked at the hospital, one of our residents was *always* dressed to the nines. Never anything ostentatious, but if he was in a group of ten people wearing identical jeans and t-shirts, somehow you knew John was wearing cashmere socks. John had his jeans dry-cleaned.

  • metamarcisf

    Wait'll he tries hog jowls and possum innards

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Jesus christ that man has negative soul.

  • Wonderthing

    I'd believe him more if he said "I like grits" in between dips of snuff.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      An endorsement from SkoalRebel would go a long way, too.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He should try it — turning green and puking might convince some voters that he was human.

    • DaR[edacted]

      *spit*

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Mitt is trying to give Newt the knock-out punch.

  • IncenseDebate

    I saw cotton
    and I saw black
    Tall white mansions
    and little shacks.
    Southern man
    when will you
    pay them back?
    I heard screamin'
    and bullwhips cracking
    How long? How long?

    • ProgressiveInga

      I hope RMoney will remember
      A southern man don't need him around anyhow

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I like True Gritts.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    "strange things are happening to me."

    -grittens romney, trying to convince people to elect him president

  • GorzoTheMighty

    This reminds me that I must watch "My Cousin Vinny" again. I see some similarities. Dress him up like Rhett Butler and the boy will do fine.

    • HistoriCat

      He's a very poor imitation of Joe Pesci.

      • Doktor Zoom

        He'll never get the Yoot vote.

    • tessiee

      "Don't you have any apparel that is not made of leather?"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Skoalrebel, where are you?!?!

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Haven't seen him around the trailer park yet today.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Mittens will ramp up the pander by stressing that "instant grits are, of course, unacceptable."

    • Oblios_Cap

      If they take less than 20 minutes to cook , they must be some kinda magic grits.

  • SoBeach

    Good work, Mitt. Southerners just love it when effete northerners go on an on about the cute way they talk and the funny stuff they eat.

    • tessiee

      I can't comment on Southerners per se, but people from Jersey always think it's funny when somebody imitates their accent.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Romney Campaign Tactics

    1. Gather indigenous information about the state you are traveling to/speaking in. This could include (but is not limited to):

    a. Food
    b. Climate
    c. Industry
    d. Dialect

    Freely comment on the above in a lighthearted manner; the desired outcome is being regarded as "one of them". Remember, voters enjoy identifying (and sometimes even interacting!) with their chosen candidate.

    • memzilla

      Good Lord, that was perfect. Which PR firm did you used to work for/sabotage?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I really wish some liberal would sneak in there and stick in a reference to a snipe hunt.

      "Another thing I used to like to do as a kid with my dad was to go snipe hunting. He let me carry the sticky stick and dirt bag. I caught a snipe that was yo big, so big I had to measure it with a metric adjustable wrench!"

    • tessiee

      "And what about that… local sports team? Go, sports team!"

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Mitt likes watching the Green Bay Crackers in Lambert Field.

  • north_of_moscow

    "As a walking stereotype myself, I love your quaint foodstuffs and charming mannerisms!"

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    "I also greatly enjoy your local delicacy, biscuits and red eye gravy." (Leans back and whispers to handler: "That isn't really made with eyes, is it?")

    • tessiee

      Wait till he visits Chinatown and they serve him flied lice.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Mississippi Boring.

  • neiltheblaze

    This is why I base all of my votes on what my candidate eats for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Sure he likes grits, but how does he feel about whomp biscuits?

  • Ruhe

    Maybe while he's in the south he can learn to dog-whistle. That's still an area of skill where he lags behind Newt.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I prefer Al Gore's more honest approach.

    • BarackMyWorld

      ???

  • dadanarchist

    "I like Turtles!" – Zombie Mitt Romney

  • elviouslyqueer

    Mitt, I'll see your "love of grits" and raise you a koolaid pickle. GAME ON, motherfucker.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Gasp!

    • SheriffRoscoe

      I was thinking something mayonaissey mixed with lemon jello and cheddar cheese. That's an actual dish I have seen not-distant-enough kinfolk make, and I want to see Mittens eat it.

      • elviouslyqueer

        That actually doesn't sound completely horrible. Unlike, say, tomato aspic, which my otherwise-sainted Baptist grandmother was forbidden from making EVER.

    • neiltheblaze

      I wonder how bored the person who thought up KoolAid pickles was that day….

      • chicken_thief

        They live in Mississippi…

    • Local_Mojo

      Just learned of this today on the Oxford American's video about Holmes County's obesity problem. Yewww!

      On the other hand, Mama pickles figs with cinnamon heart candy — and they are amazingly tasty.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Hehe…"koolickles"…

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    "Ah yes, Mississippi. I feel as though I've come home. I remember as a kid having our butler bring us warm bowls of scrapples after warm bowls of scrapples."

  • freakishlywrong

    Pandermonium, y'all.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I heard this grits thing on NPR this morning. I was…wtf????

    • lochnessmonster

      me too…sounded like he was trying out his Southern strategy slang/dialect!

  • CapeClod

    Comes off as a trifle inauthentic, doesn't he?

    • BarackMyWorld

      I'll say!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi?

    Tonight, there'll be a lynchin'…

  • Puffperney

    MItt just needs to relax and be himself (if there is one in there). As John Prine sings in "Dear Abby" : "You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't."

    • HarryButtle

      Mittens would disappear entirely.

      (and now I can't get Illegal Smile out of my head)

  • SkinnyNerd

    I read the initial title "I like Grits" as "I like Girls." I got a little nervous there at the beginning.

  • BarackMyWorld

    GRITS OR GTFO!!!

  • Chichikovovich

    "My bodyguard told me that Mississippi folk and the Romney clan would hit it off right away" Romney continued "And now I see that he was right when he told me that you'd welcome me like you did Goodman, Chaney and Schwerner, who he tells me were great football stars for Ole Miss. Now, look there, Billy-bob's laughing, because he knew all along that what he told me is true."

  • Oblios_Cap

    Whenever I listen to Willard, I'm, reminded of something my Dad used to say – "His brain's in neutral and his jaw's in high gear".

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    That's nothing, Mitt.
    George Allen likes ham!

    • Toomush_Infer

      and what about Lindseys' ham biscuits…?

  • freakishlywrong

    "Now, watch this drive".

  • DaR[edacted]

    Instat gritz?… and cigs… and cakes we like…

  • Doktor Zoom

    I bet Tim Polenta wishes he'd stayed in the race.

    • Soylent Green

      'cause he can do a wicked Jim Nabors impression?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Yes, different cultures are "strange," Mitt, it certainly is curious how the humans have different dialects and preferences. Remember to report this when you return to your home planet.

  • Schmegeg

    He'll also meet with the overseer to see how the Darkies are doing in the field. That will come naturally to him.

  • Chichikovovich

    "And what I especially love about Mississippi is the cars. Japanese and Korean cars, made in non-union factories."

    • Dudleydidwrong

      'No, I don't happen to drive any of those, but I know several of the owners of the companies."

    • Doktor Zoom

      And the trees are just the right amount of choked to death by kudzu.

    • not that Dewey

      "Vote for the other guy."

  • mavenmaven

    Tucked in business shirt and jeans. He's a Glamour Don't!

  • SorosBot

    He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard; plus everything that comes out of Willard's mouth already annoys me, so hearing that really puts me in a bad mood.

    • MissTaken

      Yeah no.

      • SorosBot

        Hee. And It's good to see you're able to spend a little bit of time here today at least.

    • memzilla

      The secret to speaking Southern (Suth'n) is to make one-syllable words into two syllables, and cut out a syllable where possible. Thus:

      "My brother Ed from Louisville" becomes

      "Mah brutha Ay-yed from Loovul."

      • ProgressiveInga

        Or making a one syllable word into a 2-syllable:
        "Sin" becomes "Seee-unn"

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        One of many intersections of "Southern" and "Blah." Charles and Kenny and all the NBA commentators on ESPN and TNT are like, "do you think the Magic are going to move Da-Wight Howard before the trade deadline?"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I like "y'all", it provides the second person plural not otherwise available in English, and which is useful in a lot of contexts. For business emails, I make a point of using it in the more formal "you-all."

      • SorosBot

        No, "youse" is the proper second person plural; "y'all" is used by Southerners and very annoying.

    • tessiee

      "He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard"

      Seriously!
      Second person plural is "you guys" [formal] or "youse" [familiar].

  • anniegetyerfun

    Grits are truly an awesome food. I love them. I would NEVER admit this to a Southerner, though. I'd be, all, "Grits? Their OK. But I'm from Seattle, have you ever tried quinoa?"

    Just to be a dick.

    • Pat_Pending

      Quinoa gives me horrible gas. Just sayin'.

    • finallyhappy

      I had steel cut oats for breakfast(and maybe that is what gave me horrible gas- or more likely the Indian food at lunch). So just saying that north of DC tonight, possible weaponized human gas

  • MadBrahms

    "I didn't fight in the War Against Northern Aggression, but some of my best friends owned black people"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    He'll get my vote if he rassels an alleygator.

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      That's for the Louisiana Primary.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    "Who Let The Hogs Out?" or GTFO.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Hey Mitt: I like grits and say "y'all" every once in a while too, but there is no way in hell I would ever vote for you!!

  • Wilcoxyz

    Tea baggers still don't like carpetbaggers.

    • tessiee

      *is awestruck*

  • FNMA

    Not to interrupt, but reviewing today's posts — non-stop idiocy on such a grand scale that it clearly makes an exceptional case for America's "specialness" — I have come to the conclusion that I really, really need to stop at the liquor store on the way home today.

    • Chichikovovich

      Just don't buy Southern Comfort.

      • FNMA

        Christ no. That shit is terrible. I'm a bourbon person, Buffalo Trace being one of my favorites at the moment. Put it in a glass and drink. Repeat as necessary. (I know, "put it in a glass," fucking elitist.)

        • tessiee

          George Dickel and Henry McKenna are also good, but can be hard to find.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Okay, allright – he should try Arsenic….it's an ole suthren tradition….

  • barto

    Could he just keeping heading south? Please?

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      What would Raul Castro say?

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      I mean, we haven't finished cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico from the last time it was polluted with corporate oil.

  • GOPCrusher

    Maybe he should mention where he stands on Haley Barbour pardoning all those prisoners just before he left office.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Next we need you to work on dropping your g's, Mittster. Try saying that last line again like so: Strange things are happenin' to me…

  • owhatever

    And I like to play the banjo, too. And I know about how people have trouble spelling Missichusetts. And that Newt is the anti-Christ. who wants to marinate the white women. And about lynching…Anybody out here been lynched? Raise your hands.

  • Millennial Malaise

    For (Mormon) Christ's sake! Isn't Mitt supposed to be the smart one? I didn't realize the spectrum of the southern experience could be encompassed by "y'all" to grits.

    How many times does he have to embarrass himself like this before one of his advisors tell him to stop trying to connect with the little people?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm taking bets now for romneys inevitable visit to Washington state (bellevue) during the election. Will he say he likes coffee or salmon? And is the space needle just the right height?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      No coffee, Joe Smith forbids it!!

  • UnholyMoses

    Mitt is like pre-chitlin chitlins: Full of shit.

  • el_donaldo

    No one not raised in the South likes grits. He might as well claim to like cornbread made without sugar. But biscuits and sausage gravy? That's something y'all might like.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You can't keep us Great Migration Black Folks out of the grits lovin'!

      • vulpes82

        The Warmth of Other Grits

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    It's a typo. He likes gits.

  • zedbot

    Grits. That's the stuff from the bottom of your golf shoes that gets tracked into the clubhouse and left on the heirloom carpet, right?

  • chascates

    "I sho does lak me sum grits an' a mess 'o greens!" The Jesus Goblins will see right through that and vote for true Southerner Rick Santorum.

  • bonghitforjesus

    Hey Mitt- eat squirrel or GTFO.

  • lochnessmonster

    Great idea showing who your body guard is so they can take him out!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I'll bet $10,000 Ameros that Mitt has a full-time staff person on his campaign charged with determining at each campaign stop whether he should say "pancakes," "hotcakes," "griddlecakes" or "flapjacks."

    • vulpes82

      And another for the all-important "hoagie"/"sub" distinction. It's a whole team to keep the "soda"/"pop"/"Coke"/"tonic" mess straight.

    • tessiee

      Lenny Bruce had a bit where he was traveling out West and tried to order a sub. Blank looks from the counterman. He also had no luck with hoagie, hero, and grinder. He finally described what he wanted, and the counterman, with a look of dawning comprehension, said, "Oh, you mean a *guinea sandwich*!"

      Lenny said he only hoped that the counterman would someday visit New York or Philadelphia and ask Dominick and Vinny in the sub shop for a "guinea sandwich". *punching fist into opposite palm* "Yeah, I'll give you a guinea sandwich, you bastid!"

  • Neoyorquino

    Grits? Meh. Just countrified polenta. Tho, I suspect they only eat grits in real America.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I like to make "grits" using polenta and chicken broth. Way more flavor than the white stuff!

  • Isyaignert

    Rmoney = Woody Allen's Zelig – http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Zelig

    • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

      But not as popular.

    • CarnyTrash

      He was the guy who smashed my car up. It was brand new. Then he backed-up over my mother's wrist. She's elderly… and uses her wrist a lot.

  • Schmegeg

    "I could really get to like it here, with the grits and all, except the Trees are just not the same height. I mean, WTF. Michigan just has it all over you rednecks."

  • http://infrogmation.livejournal.com/ Infrogmation

    Can't wait to see Romney wrestle a gator to death for the Louisiana Primary.

  • vtxmcrider

    By next week he'll be telling them he eats chicken fried steak on the veranda and relaxes by reading his many books on the War of Northern Aggression.

  • Soylent Green

    Even Mr. Drysdale didn't stoop so low as to pretend to be one with the Hillbillies!

  • unclejeems

    Mitt Romney, honorary Aryan.

  • ttommyunger

    Grits are good. Grits with cheese is great. I've had cheese grits, I've heard people order and talk about cheese grits. Today, listening to Mitt was the first time in 70+ years I've ever heard the term: "cheesy grits". He just can't help but fuck-up, can he?

  • rocktonsam

    what a dork!

  • swordfis

    It's painful to look at Mitt for more than 5 seconds.

  • tessiee

    Not since Nixon was President have we seen such robot-with-blown-circuits awkwardness. I swear to god one of these days Mitt is going to slip and reveal the cogs beneath his faceplate a la Westworld.

  • tessiee

    A Southern man don't need Mitt around, anyhow.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Please let the South secede this time but only it they take all the GOP candidates with them.

  • Warwhatgoodfor

    I prefer hash myself, as in "didn't ol Ulysses S Grant settle their hash back in 1863"? To each their own, I guess.

  • amoosefloats

    Soon he will feel the urge to marry his cousin and move into a octo-wide trailer, he is rich you know.

  • prommie

    I find it difficult to masturbate to your comments.

  • memzilla

    You're not trying to discover our Editrix's policy on link-whoring by any chance, are you?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Oh good lord, she really IS blonde!

  • SorosBot

    At first the craziness was funny, but now it's just getting tiresome. How long will it take for the banhammer to come down?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    R word out, but blogwhoring now really cool? Whatever.

  • MissTaken

    "Fabricated Surges" is on the banned list, no?

  • cheetojeebus

    Once when i got guardia (you do NOT want guardia) i had "fabricated surges".

  • SorosBot

    I think that's a euphemism for faking an orgasm.

  • Freud McShadenies

    I think "Fabricated Surges" should mean Rick Santorum (esp. wearing his sweatervest)