true facts

Mitt Romney Is The Worst Panderer In All of History, Mississippi Edition

How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi? He will simply explain to them that being Southern is a disease, which he has now caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard. “This guy I see every day time after time after time,” he says — that is how contagion works, folks — and a result he is “learning to say ‘y’all'” and enjoy popular peasant foods such as grits. How does the disease make you feel, Mittens? “Strange,” he admits. Mitt Romney feels your pain, Mississippi.

But do not feel too concerned yet, as Mittens is only at Stage I of the disease and as of yet only an “unofficial Southerner.” But just give it a few days. He’ll be sporting a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it and reminiscing about secession by next week. he Hill]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Barb

    Mitt reminds me of the guy in the upscale steakhouse who interrupts your meal to ask how you are enjoying it.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      I picture him more as a Brooks Brothers sales person. "Accidental," guilt-free junk groping as he takes your measurements!

    1. teebob2000

      Right about here.

      *points to spot on floor a few feet from the bed with a good viewing angle, and not blocking the light*

          1. SoBeach

            Shucks, you'd think I'd know by now not to read these threads after you flakes get started.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I'd make a rye comment, but we're not supposed to make fun of grain disorders anymore.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    "I like grits." Finally, a Mittens I can… believe in… like… vote for?
    Nope, he's still a uber riche snobby tool.

  3. Callyson

    Do you like
    green eggs and ham
    I do not like them,
    I do not like
    green eggs and ham.
    Would you like them
    Here or there?
    I would not like them
    here or there.
    I would not like them
    I do not like
    green eggs and ham.
    I do not like them,

  4. Sassomatic

    Mitt, it's Mississippi, they don't want to hear all that. You need to talk about gays, lady parts, and how Jesus wrote the Constitution.

    1. fartknocker

      And guns, oppressing them black folk and messicans, and Obamercare. And don't forget Nascar.

  5. DustBowlBlues

    "The green vine you southerners have used to landscape your utility poles and lines is just lovely. What do you call it?

    1. Makinglifehell

      What would mittens know about an invasive, parasitic species that threatens to strangle the life out of every other living…oh, nevermind!

  6. SexySmurf

    If you strap your dog to the roof of your car, you might be a redneck.

    Or a dick head from Massachusetts.

    1. tessiee

      It seems unlikely to me that any redneck worth his gun rack would strap a perfectly good huntin' dog to the roof of his car.
      Besides which, they all drive pickup trucks, which they call "trucks", anyway.

  7. prommie

    "I don't eat grits, but I do know the people who own the patents on the DNA of the GM corn that your grits are made from." And my wife makes two kinds of polenta.

      1. SoBeach

        Only way I can eat them is with a bunch of sharp cheddar melted in them, then mixed with sauteed shrimp, crumbled bacon, and green onion. Mmmm. I think I know what's for dinner tonight.

        1. bonghitforjesus

          Stone ground white grits with a lot of cheese and sriracha (rooster) sauce is great! But I do use organic local corn so I guess it's not hillbilly anymore.

  8. justkillmenow

    I saw this story in print earlier and thought it said "I like girls" which seemed like something he really should be clarifying considering he's such an enormous douche.

  9. DaRooster

    Is he gonna catch "the gay" on a trip to San Francisco?

    "The cocks are the right length here!"

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        He went on to say

        "I love the bears. There's something very special here–the great bears, but also all the little inland bears that dot the parts of California. I love twinks. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with twinks. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a twink, I could tell what race it was, and age, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese twinks, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American twinks pretty well and pound a Mustang. I love twinks. I love American twinks. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you."

  10. BarackMyWorld

    Romney was at a Mississippi Republican Party event with Haley Barbour. While walking to the stage, Romney accidentally bumps into Barbour and says, "Pardon me!"

  11. DustBowlBlues

    Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease. Only rodeo people do that. And as someone who knows more about rodeo and western style (much against my will, btw, but you can't help picking up certain info when you live where I do) I can certify, he doesn't look like a rodeo rider to me.

    1. GuyClinch

      Given Mitt's nature, his jeans starch up the moment he puts them on, "one leg at a time just like any normal person," he would no doubt say.

    2. memzilla

      It's the starched jeans, combined with the button-down collar, that give Mitt his trademark je ne sais blah appearance.

    3. Goonemeritus

      Yes my Mother in Law originally hailed from around Eric Oklahoma she left during the dust bowl. Even though she lived in the Northeast for decades she never felt we wore “dungarees” properly.

      1. Makinglifehell

        "Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square!"

    4. SorosBot

      I was very surprised to find out recently that are apparently a real thing, still in 2012. That seems so weird.

    5. Doktor Zoom

      Uncomfortable in jeans? Romney looks uncomfortable trying to mimic a carbon-based lifeform.

    6. ThundercatHo

      If Mittens really wants to be "in" with the rodeo crowd he needs a real cowboy hat, jingly spurs and assless chaps.

    7. ttommyunger

      Been wearing jeans since l950's (Levis 501's exclusively). I've know two or three men who wore pressed jeans (starch and a crease). Invariably, they seemed to be the type of man who would step out of the shower to take a leak.

    8. tessiee

      "Speaking of pander, has anyone in the history of this planet or any other looked more uncomfortable in jeans? His look like they've been laundered, starched and ironed to give a crisp crease."

      When I worked at the hospital, one of our residents was *always* dressed to the nines. Never anything ostentatious, but if he was in a group of ten people wearing identical jeans and t-shirts, somehow you knew John was wearing cashmere socks. John had his jeans dry-cleaned.

    1. actor212

      You think he'd actually indulge in vittles? I can't imagine him settin' down to a mess a Southern fried muskrat and asking for a heapin' second heppin! Not even at the fancy eatin' table!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      He should try it — turning green and puking might convince some voters that he was human.

  12. IncenseDebate

    I saw cotton
    and I saw black
    Tall white mansions
    and little shacks.
    Southern man
    when will you
    pay them back?
    I heard screamin'
    and bullwhips cracking
    How long? How long?

  13. GorzoTheMighty

    This reminds me that I must watch "My Cousin Vinny" again. I see some similarities. Dress him up like Rhett Butler and the boy will do fine.

  14. SoBeach

    Good work, Mitt. Southerners just love it when effete northerners go on an on about the cute way they talk and the funny stuff they eat.

    1. tessiee

      I can't comment on Southerners per se, but people from Jersey always think it's funny when somebody imitates their accent.

  15. smokefilledroommate

    Romney Campaign Tactics

    1. Gather indigenous information about the state you are traveling to/speaking in. This could include (but is not limited to):

    a. Food
    b. Climate
    c. Industry
    d. Dialect

    Freely comment on the above in a lighthearted manner; the desired outcome is being regarded as "one of them". Remember, voters enjoy identifying (and sometimes even interacting!) with their chosen candidate.

    1. actor212

      I really wish some liberal would sneak in there and stick in a reference to a snipe hunt.

      "Another thing I used to like to do as a kid with my dad was to go snipe hunting. He let me carry the sticky stick and dirt bag. I caught a snipe that was yo big, so big I had to measure it with a metric adjustable wrench!"

  16. north_of_moscow

    "As a walking stereotype myself, I love your quaint foodstuffs and charming mannerisms!"

  17. CogitoErgoBibo

    "I also greatly enjoy your local delicacy, biscuits and red eye gravy." (Leans back and whispers to handler: "That isn't really made with eyes, is it?")

  18. neiltheblaze

    This is why I base all of my votes on what my candidate eats for breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know.

  19. Ruhe

    Maybe while he's in the south he can learn to dog-whistle. That's still an area of skill where he lags behind Newt.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      I was thinking something mayonaissey mixed with lemon jello and cheddar cheese. That's an actual dish I have seen not-distant-enough kinfolk make, and I want to see Mittens eat it.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        That actually doesn't sound completely horrible. Unlike, say, tomato aspic, which my otherwise-sainted Baptist grandmother was forbidden from making EVER.

    2. Local_Mojo

      Just learned of this today on the Oxford American's video about Holmes County's obesity problem. Yewww!

      On the other hand, Mama pickles figs with cinnamon heart candy — and they are amazingly tasty.

  20. DerrickWildcat

    "Ah yes, Mississippi. I feel as though I've come home. I remember as a kid having our butler bring us warm bowls of scrapples after warm bowls of scrapples."

  21. actor212

    How does a multi-millionaire Northerner like Mitt Romney get in good with a crowd of southern voters in Mississippi?

    Tonight, there'll be a lynchin'…

  22. Puffperney

    MItt just needs to relax and be himself (if there is one in there). As John Prine sings in "Dear Abby" : "You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't."

    1. HarryButtle

      Mittens would disappear entirely.

      (and now I can't get Illegal Smile out of my head)

  23. SkinnyNerd

    I read the initial title "I like Grits" as "I like Girls." I got a little nervous there at the beginning.

  24. Chichikovovich

    "My bodyguard told me that Mississippi folk and the Romney clan would hit it off right away" Romney continued "And now I see that he was right when he told me that you'd welcome me like you did Goodman, Chaney and Schwerner, who he tells me were great football stars for Ole Miss. Now, look there, Billy-bob's laughing, because he knew all along that what he told me is true."

  25. Oblios_Cap

    Whenever I listen to Willard, I'm, reminded of something my Dad used to say – "His brain's in neutral and his jaw's in high gear".

  26. BlueStateLibel

    Yes, different cultures are "strange," Mitt, it certainly is curious how the humans have different dialects and preferences. Remember to report this when you return to your home planet.

  27. Schmegeg

    He'll also meet with the overseer to see how the Darkies are doing in the field. That will come naturally to him.

  28. Chichikovovich

    "And what I especially love about Mississippi is the cars. Japanese and Korean cars, made in non-union factories."

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      'No, I don't happen to drive any of those, but I know several of the owners of the companies."

  29. SorosBot

    He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard; plus everything that comes out of Willard's mouth already annoys me, so hearing that really puts me in a bad mood.

      1. SorosBot

        Hee. And It's good to see you're able to spend a little bit of time here today at least.

    1. memzilla

      The secret to speaking Southern (Suth'n) is to make one-syllable words into two syllables, and cut out a syllable where possible. Thus:

      "My brother Ed from Louisville" becomes

      "Mah brutha Ay-yed from Loovul."

      1. Chet Kincaid

        One of many intersections of "Southern" and "Blah." Charles and Kenny and all the NBA commentators on ESPN and TNT are like, "do you think the Magic are going to move Da-Wight Howard before the trade deadline?"

    2. Chet Kincaid

      I like "y'all", it provides the second person plural not otherwise available in English, and which is useful in a lot of contexts. For business emails, I make a point of using it in the more formal "you-all."

      1. SorosBot

        No, "youse" is the proper second person plural; "y'all" is used by Southerners and very annoying.

    3. tessiee

      "He's “learning to say ‘y’all’” – that non-word always annoys me, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard"

      Second person plural is "you guys" [formal] or "youse" [familiar].

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Grits are truly an awesome food. I love them. I would NEVER admit this to a Southerner, though. I'd be, all, "Grits? Their OK. But I'm from Seattle, have you ever tried quinoa?"

    Just to be a dick.

    1. finallyhappy

      I had steel cut oats for breakfast(and maybe that is what gave me horrible gas- or more likely the Indian food at lunch). So just saying that north of DC tonight, possible weaponized human gas

  31. MadBrahms

    "I didn't fight in the War Against Northern Aggression, but some of my best friends owned black people"

  32. FNMA

    Not to interrupt, but reviewing today's posts — non-stop idiocy on such a grand scale that it clearly makes an exceptional case for America's "specialness" — I have come to the conclusion that I really, really need to stop at the liquor store on the way home today.

      1. FNMA

        Christ no. That shit is terrible. I'm a bourbon person, Buffalo Trace being one of my favorites at the moment. Put it in a glass and drink. Repeat as necessary. (I know, "put it in a glass," fucking elitist.)

  33. GOPCrusher

    Maybe he should mention where he stands on Haley Barbour pardoning all those prisoners just before he left office.

  34. imissopus

    Next we need you to work on dropping your g's, Mittster. Try saying that last line again like so: Strange things are happenin' to me…

  35. owhatever

    And I like to play the banjo, too. And I know about how people have trouble spelling Missichusetts. And that Newt is the anti-Christ. who wants to marinate the white women. And about lynching…Anybody out here been lynched? Raise your hands.

  36. Millennial Malaise

    For (Mormon) Christ's sake! Isn't Mitt supposed to be the smart one? I didn't realize the spectrum of the southern experience could be encompassed by "y'all" to grits.

    How many times does he have to embarrass himself like this before one of his advisors tell him to stop trying to connect with the little people?

  37. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm taking bets now for romneys inevitable visit to Washington state (bellevue) during the election. Will he say he likes coffee or salmon? And is the space needle just the right height?

  38. el_donaldo

    No one not raised in the South likes grits. He might as well claim to like cornbread made without sugar. But biscuits and sausage gravy? That's something y'all might like.

  39. zedbot

    Grits. That's the stuff from the bottom of your golf shoes that gets tracked into the clubhouse and left on the heirloom carpet, right?

  40. chascates

    "I sho does lak me sum grits an' a mess 'o greens!" The Jesus Goblins will see right through that and vote for true Southerner Rick Santorum.

  41. OneYieldRegular

    I'll bet $10,000 Ameros that Mitt has a full-time staff person on his campaign charged with determining at each campaign stop whether he should say "pancakes," "hotcakes," "griddlecakes" or "flapjacks."

    1. vulpes82

      And another for the all-important "hoagie"/"sub" distinction. It's a whole team to keep the "soda"/"pop"/"Coke"/"tonic" mess straight.

    2. tessiee

      Lenny Bruce had a bit where he was traveling out West and tried to order a sub. Blank looks from the counterman. He also had no luck with hoagie, hero, and grinder. He finally described what he wanted, and the counterman, with a look of dawning comprehension, said, "Oh, you mean a *guinea sandwich*!"

      Lenny said he only hoped that the counterman would someday visit New York or Philadelphia and ask Dominick and Vinny in the sub shop for a "guinea sandwich". *punching fist into opposite palm* "Yeah, I'll give you a guinea sandwich, you bastid!"

  42. Neoyorquino

    Grits? Meh. Just countrified polenta. Tho, I suspect they only eat grits in real America.

    1. CarnyTrash

      He was the guy who smashed my car up. It was brand new. Then he backed-up over my mother's wrist. She's elderly… and uses her wrist a lot.

  43. Schmegeg

    "I could really get to like it here, with the grits and all, except the Trees are just not the same height. I mean, WTF. Michigan just has it all over you rednecks."

  44. vtxmcrider

    By next week he'll be telling them he eats chicken fried steak on the veranda and relaxes by reading his many books on the War of Northern Aggression.

  45. Soylent Green

    Even Mr. Drysdale didn't stoop so low as to pretend to be one with the Hillbillies!

  46. ttommyunger

    Grits are good. Grits with cheese is great. I've had cheese grits, I've heard people order and talk about cheese grits. Today, listening to Mitt was the first time in 70+ years I've ever heard the term: "cheesy grits". He just can't help but fuck-up, can he?

  47. tessiee

    Not since Nixon was President have we seen such robot-with-blown-circuits awkwardness. I swear to god one of these days Mitt is going to slip and reveal the cogs beneath his faceplate a la Westworld.

  48. Warwhatgoodfor

    I prefer hash myself, as in "didn't ol Ulysses S Grant settle their hash back in 1863"? To each their own, I guess.

  49. amoosefloats

    Soon he will feel the urge to marry his cousin and move into a octo-wide trailer, he is rich you know.

  50. memzilla

    You're not trying to discover our Editrix's policy on link-whoring by any chance, are you?

  51. SorosBot

    At first the craziness was funny, but now it's just getting tiresome. How long will it take for the banhammer to come down?

  52. Freud McShadenies

    I think "Fabricated Surges" should mean Rick Santorum (esp. wearing his sweatervest)

Comments are closed.