A MODEL OF CHRISTIAN CHARITY  1:12 pm March 9, 2012

Bloodthirsty Lesbian Spokesmodel Ellen Degeneres Murders Nice Christian Ladies ‘One Million Moms’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Heckuva job.Having already been totally slaughtered, the Warriors for Tolerance, Empathy and Good Taste known as “One Million Moms” (seven moms) have declared victory against Ellen Degeneres (Saddam Hussein) in their fight against her Manchurian Candidate stealth mission to educate Americans to the benefits of the Jaclyn Smith Kardashian Kollection Olsen Twins fashion line. And that’s why you can’t have women in a foxhole. They just give up as soon as they have been totally annihilated! Also? Too mensy.

The fight fought by the polyestered “Moms” — a network from the American Family Association — was not terribly impressive; nor was their leader’s proclamation.

Director Monica Cole tells OneNewsNow that other issues require her group’s attention, so OMM is moving on.

“But we have heard back from so many of our members,” she shares. “We have heard back from men and women — not just moms — saying they will no longer shop there at JC Penney, as long as Ellen DeGeneres is their spokesperson.”

Your editrix was once tongue-lashed but good by her mother, Commie Mom, for buying grapes a good five years after the boycott had ended. “Serious people don’t care if a boycott’s over or doesn’t exist,” sniffed Commie Mom. In the meantime, here is bloodthirsty total lesbian Ellen Degeneres, funny-dancing on the Million Moms’ graves. [OneNewsNow]

 
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{ 140 comments }

Lascauxcaveman March 9, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I won't shop at JC Penny either. In my nabe the serious street cred is with Goodwill.

orygoon March 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Mr. Goon got the cutest bright (toddler-bright!) red jacket at the Goodwill a few years ago, and it helps me ever so much to find him in a crowd. Like, well, a lost toddler, which is totally appropriate.

chascates March 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm

A friend of mine always hits the Goodwill in a tony part of Austin. She's found designer duds, some of which don't even appear to have been worn, dirt cheap.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm

My local fav is America's Thrift Store. It is for-pofit but is huge and always interesting. Since I only wear 501's and they are no longer making button-fly (again) I find mine there from time to time ($2.98 to $6.88, depending on I have no idea what). I have found Florsheim Shoes, seemingly new (six bucks) and down/feather hooded outerwear (North Face) for nine bucks. I am such a slut for a deal. My kids (now in their 40's) recently revealed they grew up thinking we were poor since I bought so much shit there.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Are you me?! Oh wait… my kids aren't quite that old yet. Same same story, though, except my daughter did inherit my extreme tight fistedness when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't buy anything, nothing!, that isn't on the clearance rack or from Goodwill/some thrift store.

Spending for a night of eats and drinks, however, is a different story….

ttommyunger March 29, 2012 at 6:10 am

Great minds run the same paths.

jodyleek March 9, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Do you have a Ragstock near you? That used to be the non plus ultra for the frugally and/or tragically hip.

My entire wardrobe consists of consignment store finds, gently used shoes I buy on eBay, garage sale pickings, clearance rack items at 90% off, and stuff my Mom buys me at Goodwill (she gets the senior citizen discount on Wednesdays, dontcha know).

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Hey, we're so damn fancy down here in Mississippi that we have Goodwill Outlet Stores. Because nothing says "classy" like paying for clothes by the pound.

chascates March 9, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I wondered where all the stuff Goodwill couldn't sell elsewhere ended up!

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Thank you America! Your detritus are belong to us!

Love,

The Endemic Poverty and Rampant Obesity Magnolia State

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Bah! That's nothing…in Alabama, they have Goodwill Outlet BASEMENT stores…

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Bless Alabama's heart. Always trying to battle us for the title of America's Power Bottom.

finallyhappy March 9, 2012 at 2:34 pm

that must be the stuff from Hoarders. at one time, we had Goodwill designer stores in the MD burbs(but designer could be Ann Taylor or Banana Republic in those stores)

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I won't shop at JC Penny because there aren't any near me; they're only out in the suburban malls here.

Terry March 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I stopped shopping there years ago when the owner was giving money to fundy causes. Also, because I don't like polyester all that much.

LagunaB March 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I use to sell my clothing line to them and they always paid on time. You could set your watch to their payment schedule.

Jimmyone March 9, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Dumpster diving behind the "thrift" store in Aspen, is way better than JC Pennys. My daughter used to come home with BRAND NEW, and upscale duds. I liked to wait behind the restaurant next door for lunch to be delivered by the bus boys. Now, I have to show ID when hitchhiking into Aspen for a snack, and new socks.

mavenmaven March 9, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"Besides, we found that Wal-mart's was even cheaper, anyway, and we don't have to dress up to shop there".

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Callyson March 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm
mavenmaven March 9, 2012 at 2:15 pm

That page hit me with a wicked fake antivirus virus.

Callyson March 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Bummer…I've never had that problem with this site. Sorry about that…

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

…or dress.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Exhibit A

Warning: NSFF (not safe for food)

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Ah! My eyes!

And um, isn't that indecent exposure? And why can't women you'd want to see walking around in their underwear be the ones to do so?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

There were a couple of those (including a sexy santa) but they were not germane to this discussion.

However, if you follow me to my bunk, I can show you a selection.

Veritas78 March 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Oh dear.
Those are panties she's wearing, I believe. I didn't know they made them that large.

LagunaB March 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Wal-Mart is the worst merchant. Those pants selling for $10.00 cost $1.48.

orygoon March 9, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Haha, "Christian education"…one, two, three, four, five, six, a million!

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Hey, give them a break! Four fingers blew off in the meth lab explosion…

ManchuCandidate March 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

It's a million if you add up their total combined weight.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 1:24 pm

= 1 Christie.

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Can we designate the Christie as a new unit of weight?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Only to be used for oil tankers, I assume.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Think bigger. Mars has a total weight of 4.75 Christie's.

poncho_pilot March 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

a ratio of mass to bullshit and its distorting effect on space and time?

Generation[redacted] March 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Their reality is not only curved. It is, in fact, completely bent.

iburl March 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

When President Romney is elected 99% of us will be wearing "trash bags".

tihond March 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Some of his best friends own the companies that make those "rain ponchos"

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

NASCAR couture or GTFO.

AlterNewt March 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Haute Rods.

Geminisunmars March 9, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Double prods for you!

chascates March 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

It's pretty hard to make Ellen into a frightening character. They should concentrate on Lindsey Graham instead.

Terry March 9, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Lindsey Graham is a bad antebellum stereotype, frightening to no one now that he doesn't have an overseer enforcing his whims.

ChessieNefercat March 9, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I saw the ad where she played a Victorian lady haggling over the price of a hat. I thought it was cute and funny. How could anyone find her threatening in any way?

chascates March 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Are you meaning Ellen or Lindsey? Unclear.

ChessieNefercat March 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Oh! I see. Ellen, of course. I understand Miss Lindsey never dresses in his (her?) Victorian Madam outfit on camera. It is a treat reserved for his dearest "friends."

Chillatte March 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I love Ellen, but I still won't buy JC Penny's ugly clothes.

nounverb911 March 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

How can the millionaire moms boycott some place named after their favorite person with two daddies?

Lascauxcaveman March 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

And the grape boycott? Easy, just buy grapes only from South America, that way no Mexicans are employed unfairly taken advantage of.

Barb March 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

"I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before."

Ellen Degeneres~

prommie March 9, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Because when she gets good and drunk, she lets her date plow her in the backseat (of the car, I mean, dirty minds)? What?

GOPCrusher March 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I dunno. The idea of Portia De Rossi with a strap on and the plowing in the backseat…….
I'll be back.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

They had lift the boycott because penneys was having a really good sale on plus size jeans.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

"One Million Muumuus".

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

What do the Ghayez know about fashion anyway?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 1:24 pm

She's creepy, this Ellen, in Jersey talk, she skeeves me, but I am glad she has triumphed over the shitfucking douchetard assbag bigots.

Nopantsmcgee March 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Out of all the descriptions I have heard of Ellen, 'creepy' is the first.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

She makes my skin crawl. Its her awkwardness.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I've never been much of a fan of hers either. Prolly cause I'm just jealous of her and wanna have my own bedroom festivities with her squeezes, notably Ann Heche and Portia. But I love it when the sanctimonious actions of self-righteous assholes back fires.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Lesson: never fuck with a bloodthirsty lesbian. Me? I'm just slightly parched.
Also: Portia.

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Love the new avatar, you cute pup you.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

-wags tail furiously.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Looks like my westie.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Oh, do shut up, Portia!"

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

They're declaring victory after they have clearly lost – guess they took their inspiration from Nixon in Vietnam.

jodyleek March 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Or, "Mission Accomplished".

Oh, crap…just saw the pic at the top. Never mind!

Chillatte March 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"One Million Moms" sound like a shitload of minivans and obese home-schooled children.

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I think it is.

Callyson March 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Crap, now I need to find a reason to go shop at JC Penney's. What do they sell?

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Crap, ugly fucking crap for the heartland.

Geminisunmars March 9, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Actually pretty good reasonably priced window treatments. (do not send the fashion police to my house, please.)

Jimmyone March 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Sweater vests?

Jus_Wonderin March 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I do get my tightie whiteys from JCP. And, I love Ellen.

Goonemeritus March 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I have always found Moms to be a little judgmental.

Designer_Rants March 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Q: What does it sound like when One Million Moms eat shit on their overblown national campaign of laughably behind-the-times bigotry?

A: OMM OMM OMM OMM

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm

"Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies that have the same values as them," Cole explains.

It must be difficult for the OMMs, as Simon Legree's Apothecary and Cotton Emporium just doesn't have that many franchises operating on this side of the nineteenth century.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

My college buddy's mom always called it "JC Pah-nays". But she lived in North Miami Beach, had bleach blonde hair, red claws, and drank Cutty Sark, so it wasn't toally unexpected. I didn't know they were still around.

CogitoErgoBibo March 9, 2012 at 1:54 pm

We always Frenchified it: Jacque Pen-yay. Sort of like hitting the Tarjay, but with a snooty first name, too.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Ah, Cutty Sark. The real Breakfast of Champions.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm

It also makes a great toothpaste, for when you're binging…

Terry March 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I'm more partial to the boat by the same name. I had a little fantasy in Greenwich of sailing her away into the sunset.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

To be fair, big numbers (like the age of the earth) aren't their strong suit.

semi_expat March 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

no snark here. ellen is just simply one of the funniest people on tv.

Troglodeity March 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm

"Give me victory, or give me other issues requiring my attention!"

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

It's like that game show… folks puzzling over, then getting trounced by a conundrum… using one's "lifeline" (we've heard from our supporters")… some kind of celebrity in the foreground of things… reliance on audience reaction, or lack of… reading the scales at the end to determine if it's worthwhile to continue…

I knew it — "Who Wants To Be The Biggest Loser" !

metamarcisf March 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

To support Ellen I plan on shopping exclusively at Penneys as soon as they start stocking the right kind of drugs.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies whose TV ads seem to show that they have the same values as them,"

"Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies that have the same values as them that are easy to find in the mall,"

As close to fixed as I can get it.

AlterNewt March 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Beware the insidious 'Mommy-Blog'.

Rotundo_ March 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I'll have to check out the new JC Penney's myself. If they (by way of Ellen) piss off the fundies, they're doing something right. As for One Million Moms, I prefer the more formal One Million Mothers, but I keep feeling there is a couple of syllables missing.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"Muthas" will do.

weej_bain March 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Swing by JC's place. A Penny saved is a bigot urned.

upthruster March 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm

How about One Million Whiners. What ever happened to fighting fire with fire people? Instead of being pathetic passive agressives and boycotting someone, how about finding another department store and asking Michele Bachmann to be their spokeswoman. Then let's see what happens. Are One Million Moms confident enough that Michele Bachmann will raise sales for Walmart? K-ame Apart? Would they find Michele good for business or would that be just another embarassment?

MissTaken March 9, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Silly Moms. Everyone knows the best Mom Jeans come from Sears and Kmart.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 1:54 pm

And that's where the "one million moms" get their high fashion from, along with Wal-Mart. Those ladies could use a gay friend to help them get a fashion sense.

MissTaken March 9, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Can you imagine how horrible the world would look without gays? We would all walk around with mullets while wearing overalls made of burlap. Yikes.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm

quit stalking me!!!

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Aren't you supposed to be wearing flannel and have a short, boyish haircut?

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Now I've just got the image of you with a mullet in my head, and it's making me giggle. But yeah, our clothes would be hideous.

Designer_Rants March 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Just last night I saw a new commercial for JCP with Ellen in it (doing some 19th century British "Are You Being Served" shtick). I get a perverse pleasure when I'm reminded of bigotry advocates' failures.

Jus_Wonderin March 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

And, now I am stuck on youtube watching Ellen bits. Funny!!

sbj1964 March 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I once met Ellen Degeneres at Wal-mart I was so impressed with her until I realized it was just David Spade.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm

The confusion is understandable, he is a big old lesbian.

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Jeez – the commentors on that article are great. Do you think those so-called Christians realize how tedious and downright pathetic they sound when they moralize? Especially when thye do it in writing. It's almost like they've never read the bible.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm

It's hard to believe, but most of the commenters there are reasonable people ripping apart the OMM bigots; it's refreshing.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Wifey LUVS Ellen. Me, meh. She's OK, but then we do have that loves to eat pussy thing in common, so she's got that going for her, which is nice….

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Lesbians can also use strap-ons…so I hear. I'm hoping JCP will have a whole new line-up of products.

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 1:56 pm

One million moms? Do we have any aerial photos or numbers from the fire chief?
40,000 bully moms can go shop at Big Lots!!

owhatever March 9, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The million mommies don't shop at JCP anyway. Too downscale.

Nopantsmcgee March 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Picking a fight with Ellen in like picking a fight with a baby bunny. You just look like a total tool for doing it whether you 'win' or 'lose'.

Sassomatic March 9, 2012 at 1:59 pm

How's that hatey whiny thing workin out for ya?

Native_of_SL_UT March 9, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Last Night Mrs SL_UT and I bought her many pairs of jeans from JC Penney because Ellen lives there.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hmm, Monica Cole's expression on the OMM linkie tells me that she hasn't replaced the batteries in her "neck massager" in a long, long time.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Sometimes the little battery-operated "personal massagers" are insufficient for the job. I have heard that some women prefer the powerful rhythmic pulsations of a Hitachi device.

VaWyo March 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I want to Commie Mom to be my mother!

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"Wars are really ugly, they're dirty and they're cold
I don't want nobody to shoot me in the Foxhole! Foxhole!"

"Aieeee, shot in the Foxhole!" -"Aieeee, shot in the Foxhole!"

– The One Million Moms

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Can't they just boycott flannel or Subarus or something?

Oblios_Cap March 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Down with Snuggies!

prommie March 9, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Car industry joke: Subaru has announced plans to attempt to increase its US market share. Response: I didn't think there were that many more lesbians in the US.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 10:45 pm

What's the deal with that?
Are Subarus really popular with lesbians and unpopular with everybody else, or is it just one of those urban legends, like th grape juice thing?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:33 pm

This just in to Eyewitless News….Six overweight women with big hair and bad nails were seen picketing the Doc Martens factory….

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Why are they mad at Ellen again? Because she quit "American Idol"?

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm

OT Fashion Tip for Men: If you're scheduled to visit Family Court Services to meet a caseworker in your child custody case, you may want to choose a garment other thana ribbed sleeveless undershirt, simply because of the unfortunate connotations associated with that garment's colloquial nickname.

EDIT: Even if you bought the shirt at JC Penney

Redhead March 9, 2012 at 2:22 pm

They're quitting ALREADY?

Do Palin and her brood make up half their members?

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I am a teeny , weeny, little bit randy so can we please not use the term "tongue lashing" today. Thank you.

DerrickWildcat March 9, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Sears is is mostly for Boys and JC Penney is mostly for Girls.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"funny-dancing"?!

Is that what they call scissoring and muff diving? I need to get out more….

WiscDad March 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I didn't know J.C. Penny still existed

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

"Your editrix was once tongue-lashed but good…"

Sorry I missed that…

barto March 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

What the 40K Moms are missing is that "making sure your spouse is of the other sex" is not a value.

Shoppin at JCP might be!

MarionNYNY March 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Does it occur to these idiots that JC Penny really doesn't give a shit and is clearly going for a different demographic — people who actually shop there.

IceCreamEmpress March 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Or that even if they had One Million Moms, instead of seven, there are more than Three Million People Almost All Of Whom Are Moms who watch Ellen's show every goddamned day?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I hate puppies, too; always barking and shit.

valthemus March 10, 2012 at 12:43 am

Even if JC Penny were run by baby-eating Hitler clones who think Batman could beat Wolverine in a fight, I'd still shop there on days when the Stafford underwear was on sale. (Cheap. Comfortable. Lasts for ages.)

commiegirl March 10, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Yeah, but my mom IS un-American?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Did you just call Chistie gay?

*whew* Let them have him.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I've never been good at doing what I'm supposed to do and burlap overalls sound awesome!

MissTaken March 9, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Burlap overalls are awesome, but be sure to have some cortisone cream on hand cause they can get awfully itchy.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 2:44 pm

They're gonna go great with my garbage bag poncho. But chafing, yeah.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I don't see how it's possible that Christie is geyh. He can't be a bottom – who could climb him? Nor can he be a top – who could withstand the weight? No, I think Christie just sits around *and when he sits around….!!!* and shovels food into his mouth, pausing occasionally to say stupid shit and sign bad laws.

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