a model of christian charity

Bloodthirsty Lesbian Spokesmodel Ellen Degeneres Murders Nice Christian Ladies ‘One Million Moms’

Heckuva job.Having already been totally slaughtered, the Warriors for Tolerance, Empathy and Good Taste known as “One Million Moms” (seven moms) have declared victory against Ellen Degeneres (Saddam Hussein) in their fight against her Manchurian Candidate stealth mission to educate Americans to the benefits of the Jaclyn Smith Kardashian Kollection Olsen Twins fashion line. And that’s why you can’t have women in a foxhole. They just give up as soon as they have been totally annihilated! Also? Too mensy.

The fight fought by the polyestered “Moms” — a network from the American Family Association — was not terribly impressive; nor was their leader’s proclamation.

Director Monica Cole tells OneNewsNow that other issues require her group’s attention, so OMM is moving on.

“But we have heard back from so many of our members,” she shares. “We have heard back from men and women — not just moms — saying they will no longer shop there at JC Penney, as long as Ellen DeGeneres is their spokesperson.”

Your editrix was once tongue-lashed but good by her mother, Commie Mom, for buying grapes a good five years after the boycott had ended. “Serious people don’t care if a boycott’s over or doesn’t exist,” sniffed Commie Mom. In the meantime, here is bloodthirsty total lesbian Ellen Degeneres, funny-dancing on the Million Moms’ graves. [OneNewsNow]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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140 comments

  1. Lascauxcaveman

    I won't shop at JC Penny either. In my nabe the serious street cred is with Goodwill.

    1. orygoon

      Mr. Goon got the cutest bright (toddler-bright!) red jacket at the Goodwill a few years ago, and it helps me ever so much to find him in a crowd. Like, well, a lost toddler, which is totally appropriate.

    2. chascates

      A friend of mine always hits the Goodwill in a tony part of Austin. She's found designer duds, some of which don't even appear to have been worn, dirt cheap.

      1. ttommyunger

        My local fav is America's Thrift Store. It is for-pofit but is huge and always interesting. Since I only wear 501's and they are no longer making button-fly (again) I find mine there from time to time ($2.98 to $6.88, depending on I have no idea what). I have found Florsheim Shoes, seemingly new (six bucks) and down/feather hooded outerwear (North Face) for nine bucks. I am such a slut for a deal. My kids (now in their 40's) recently revealed they grew up thinking we were poor since I bought so much shit there.

        1. chicken_thief

          Are you me?! Oh wait… my kids aren't quite that old yet. Same same story, though, except my daughter did inherit my extreme tight fistedness when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't buy anything, nothing!, that isn't on the clearance rack or from Goodwill/some thrift store.

          Spending for a night of eats and drinks, however, is a different story….

    3. jodyleek

      Do you have a Ragstock near you? That used to be the non plus ultra for the frugally and/or tragically hip.

      My entire wardrobe consists of consignment store finds, gently used shoes I buy on eBay, garage sale pickings, clearance rack items at 90% off, and stuff my Mom buys me at Goodwill (she gets the senior citizen discount on Wednesdays, dontcha know).

    4. elviouslyqueer

      Hey, we're so damn fancy down here in Mississippi that we have Goodwill Outlet Stores. Because nothing says "classy" like paying for clothes by the pound.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Thank you America! Your detritus are belong to us!

          Love,

          The Endemic Poverty and Rampant Obesity Magnolia State

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Bless Alabama's heart. Always trying to battle us for the title of America's Power Bottom.

      1. finallyhappy

        that must be the stuff from Hoarders. at one time, we had Goodwill designer stores in the MD burbs(but designer could be Ann Taylor or Banana Republic in those stores)

    5. SorosBot

      I won't shop at JC Penny because there aren't any near me; they're only out in the suburban malls here.

    6. Terry

      I stopped shopping there years ago when the owner was giving money to fundy causes. Also, because I don't like polyester all that much.

    7. LagunaB

      I use to sell my clothing line to them and they always paid on time. You could set your watch to their payment schedule.

    8. Jimmyone

      Dumpster diving behind the "thrift" store in Aspen, is way better than JC Pennys. My daughter used to come home with BRAND NEW, and upscale duds. I liked to wait behind the restaurant next door for lunch to be delivered by the bus boys. Now, I have to show ID when hitchhiking into Aspen for a snack, and new socks.

  2. mavenmaven

    "Besides, we found that Wal-mart's was even cheaper, anyway, and we don't have to dress up to shop there".

        1. SorosBot

          Ah! My eyes!

          And um, isn't that indecent exposure? And why can't women you'd want to see walking around in their underwear be the ones to do so?

          1. actor212

            There were a couple of those (including a sexy santa) but they were not germane to this discussion.

            However, if you follow me to my bunk, I can show you a selection.

        2. Veritas78

          Oh dear.
          Those are panties she's wearing, I believe. I didn't know they made them that large.

          1. chicken_thief

            I don't see how it's possible that Christie is geyh. He can't be a bottom – who could climb him? Nor can he be a top – who could withstand the weight? No, I think Christie just sits around *and when he sits around….!!!* and shovels food into his mouth, pausing occasionally to say stupid shit and sign bad laws.

  3. chascates

    It's pretty hard to make Ellen into a frightening character. They should concentrate on Lindsey Graham instead.

    1. Terry

      Lindsey Graham is a bad antebellum stereotype, frightening to no one now that he doesn't have an overseer enforcing his whims.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      I saw the ad where she played a Victorian lady haggling over the price of a hat. I thought it was cute and funny. How could anyone find her threatening in any way?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Oh! I see. Ellen, of course. I understand Miss Lindsey never dresses in his (her?) Victorian Madam outfit on camera. It is a treat reserved for his dearest "friends."

  4. nounverb911

    How can the millionaire moms boycott some place named after their favorite person with two daddies?

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    And the grape boycott? Easy, just buy grapes only from South America, that way no Mexicans are employed unfairly taken advantage of.

  6. Barb

    "I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to acheive that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before."

    Ellen Degeneres~

    1. prommie

      Because when she gets good and drunk, she lets her date plow her in the backseat (of the car, I mean, dirty minds)? What?

      1. GOPCrusher

        I dunno. The idea of Portia De Rossi with a strap on and the plowing in the backseat…….
        I'll be back.

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    They had lift the boycott because penneys was having a really good sale on plus size jeans.

  8. prommie

    She's creepy, this Ellen, in Jersey talk, she skeeves me, but I am glad she has triumphed over the shitfucking douchetard assbag bigots.

        1. chicken_thief

          I've never been much of a fan of hers either. Prolly cause I'm just jealous of her and wanna have my own bedroom festivities with her squeezes, notably Ann Heche and Portia. But I love it when the sanctimonious actions of self-righteous assholes back fires.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Lesson: never fuck with a bloodthirsty lesbian. Me? I'm just slightly parched.
    Also: Portia.

  10. SorosBot

    They're declaring victory after they have clearly lost – guess they took their inspiration from Nixon in Vietnam.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Actually pretty good reasonably priced window treatments. (do not send the fashion police to my house, please.)

  11. Designer_Rants

    Q: What does it sound like when One Million Moms eat shit on their overblown national campaign of laughably behind-the-times bigotry?

    A: OMM OMM OMM OMM

  12. SayItWithWookies

    "Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies that have the same values as them," Cole explains.

    It must be difficult for the OMMs, as Simon Legree's Apothecary and Cotton Emporium just doesn't have that many franchises operating on this side of the nineteenth century.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    My college buddy's mom always called it "JC Pah-nays". But she lived in North Miami Beach, had bleach blonde hair, red claws, and drank Cutty Sark, so it wasn't toally unexpected. I didn't know they were still around.

    1. CogitoErgoBibo

      We always Frenchified it: Jacque Pen-yay. Sort of like hitting the Tarjay, but with a snooty first name, too.

      1. Terry

        I'm more partial to the boat by the same name. I had a little fantasy in Greenwich of sailing her away into the sunset.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    It's like that game show… folks puzzling over, then getting trounced by a conundrum… using one's "lifeline" (we've heard from our supporters")… some kind of celebrity in the foreground of things… reliance on audience reaction, or lack of… reading the scales at the end to determine if it's worthwhile to continue…

    I knew it — "Who Wants To Be The Biggest Loser" !

  15. metamarcisf

    To support Ellen I plan on shopping exclusively at Penneys as soon as they start stocking the right kind of drugs.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    "Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies whose TV ads seem to show that they have the same values as them,"

    "Everyone works hard for their money, and they want to spend their money with companies that have the same values as them that are easy to find in the mall,"

    As close to fixed as I can get it.

  17. Rotundo_

    I'll have to check out the new JC Penney's myself. If they (by way of Ellen) piss off the fundies, they're doing something right. As for One Million Moms, I prefer the more formal One Million Mothers, but I keep feeling there is a couple of syllables missing.

  18. upthruster

    How about One Million Whiners. What ever happened to fighting fire with fire people? Instead of being pathetic passive agressives and boycotting someone, how about finding another department store and asking Michele Bachmann to be their spokeswoman. Then let's see what happens. Are One Million Moms confident enough that Michele Bachmann will raise sales for Walmart? K-ame Apart? Would they find Michele good for business or would that be just another embarassment?

    1. SorosBot

      And that's where the "one million moms" get their high fashion from, along with Wal-Mart. Those ladies could use a gay friend to help them get a fashion sense.

      1. MissTaken

        Can you imagine how horrible the world would look without gays? We would all walk around with mullets while wearing overalls made of burlap. Yikes.

          1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I've never been good at doing what I'm supposed to do and burlap overalls sound awesome!

          2. MissTaken

            Burlap overalls are awesome, but be sure to have some cortisone cream on hand cause they can get awfully itchy.

        1. SorosBot

          Now I've just got the image of you with a mullet in my head, and it's making me giggle. But yeah, our clothes would be hideous.

  19. Designer_Rants

    Just last night I saw a new commercial for JCP with Ellen in it (doing some 19th century British "Are You Being Served" shtick). I get a perverse pleasure when I'm reminded of bigotry advocates' failures.

  20. sbj1964

    I once met Ellen Degeneres at Wal-mart I was so impressed with her until I realized it was just David Spade.

  21. Oblios_Cap

    Jeez – the commentors on that article are great. Do you think those so-called Christians realize how tedious and downright pathetic they sound when they moralize? Especially when thye do it in writing. It's almost like they've never read the bible.

    1. SorosBot

      It's hard to believe, but most of the commenters there are reasonable people ripping apart the OMM bigots; it's refreshing.

  22. ttommyunger

    Wifey LUVS Ellen. Me, meh. She's OK, but then we do have that loves to eat pussy thing in common, so she's got that going for her, which is nice….

    1. ElPinche

      Lesbians can also use strap-ons…so I hear. I'm hoping JCP will have a whole new line-up of products.

  23. ElPinche

    One million moms? Do we have any aerial photos or numbers from the fire chief?
    40,000 bully moms can go shop at Big Lots!!

  24. Nopantsmcgee

    Picking a fight with Ellen in like picking a fight with a baby bunny. You just look like a total tool for doing it whether you 'win' or 'lose'.

  25. Native_of_SL_UT

    Last Night Mrs SL_UT and I bought her many pairs of jeans from JC Penney because Ellen lives there.

  26. elviouslyqueer

    Hmm, Monica Cole's expression on the OMM linkie tells me that she hasn't replaced the batteries in her "neck massager" in a long, long time.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Sometimes the little battery-operated "personal massagers" are insufficient for the job. I have heard that some women prefer the powerful rhythmic pulsations of a Hitachi device.

  27. C_R_Eature

    "Wars are really ugly, they're dirty and they're cold
    I don't want nobody to shoot me in the Foxhole! Foxhole!"

    "Aieeee, shot in the Foxhole!" -"Aieeee, shot in the Foxhole!"

    – The One Million Moms

    1. prommie

      Car industry joke: Subaru has announced plans to attempt to increase its US market share. Response: I didn't think there were that many more lesbians in the US.

      1. tessiee

        What's the deal with that?
        Are Subarus really popular with lesbians and unpopular with everybody else, or is it just one of those urban legends, like th grape juice thing?

    2. actor212

      This just in to Eyewitless News….Six overweight women with big hair and bad nails were seen picketing the Doc Martens factory….

  28. Doktor Zoom

    OT Fashion Tip for Men: If you're scheduled to visit Family Court Services to meet a caseworker in your child custody case, you may want to choose a garment other thana ribbed sleeveless undershirt, simply because of the unfortunate connotations associated with that garment's colloquial nickname.

    EDIT: Even if you bought the shirt at JC Penney

  29. Limeylizzie

    I am a teeny , weeny, little bit randy so can we please not use the term "tongue lashing" today. Thank you.

  30. chicken_thief

    "funny-dancing"?!

    Is that what they call scissoring and muff diving? I need to get out more….

  31. barto

    What the 40K Moms are missing is that "making sure your spouse is of the other sex" is not a value.

    Shoppin at JCP might be!

  32. MarionNYNY

    Does it occur to these idiots that JC Penny really doesn't give a shit and is clearly going for a different demographic — people who actually shop there.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Or that even if they had One Million Moms, instead of seven, there are more than Three Million People Almost All Of Whom Are Moms who watch Ellen's show every goddamned day?

  33. valthemus

    Even if JC Penny were run by baby-eating Hitler clones who think Batman could beat Wolverine in a fight, I'd still shop there on days when the Stafford underwear was on sale. (Cheap. Comfortable. Lasts for ages.)

Comments are closed.