ONE AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY  10:39 am March 9, 2012

Steve Doocey Tries Heroically To Get New Yorkers To See Humor In Dumb Sexist ‘Joke’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Just in time for International Men’s Day (and its 363 brothers), MediaMatters brings us this jolly bit of hilarity from FOX and Friends, regarding pants. In this gutbusting segment, poor confused Steve Doocey celebrated International Women’s Day by wandering the streets of New York being abused. He was surely prepared for the humorless feminazi, but also clearly thought when he asked the man New Yorker what he thought of a pants label that said “give it to yr bitch to wash,” the man would be all, “Fuhgeddaboutit, I’m a big dumb asshole who also hates and fears snatch, and the womens oughta make me a sammich gabbagoul!” And then the man didn’t. Finally, up came a woman who said she thought it was funny — totally fucking stupid, but funny — and Doocey peed himself in relief. (Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex.)

Gretchen Carlson, being a “fun” woman — not like those total cunts at NOW — who can “hang” with her loathsome crew of pig-jackals, assures Brian Kilmeade that his favorite new funny joke is totally funny to her too, since she is a lady who likes to launder her man while massaging his prostate just so, but look in her eyes when he continues his Donald Trump-wannabe boorishness. One night, she is thinking. One night, as he lies sleeping. Icepick, right in his softened skull. She knows seven ways to kill a man. She knows just the point to drive it home.

[MediaMatters]

 
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{ 147 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] March 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

When she's done with that icepick, can I please borrow it?

Barb March 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

"Hates and fears snatch" is going to be the name for my all girl band.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

*crossing legs tightly*

I'll take two in the balcony, please.

weej_bain March 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

Will Wonkette get the aspirin concession?

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

Were you a conservative; it could be "bitter and delusional".

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:47 am

Will the opening act be "Aspirin?"

Barb March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

Yes, they will sing their chart topping hit "Take Two and Call Me in the Morning" and then "Hot Coffee Enema" from their new album. Free Bird!

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

[Insert Vagina dentata JPEG here].

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

See, I would have thought that would fit better with an all male chorus. Mainly made up of graduates of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I call dibs on "Gabbagool Sangwich".

GunToting[Redacted] March 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Olympic weightlifters wear T-shirts that say "You should see my snatch."

el_donaldo March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

The last two sentences of that post are now my favorites for ever.

Badonkadonkette March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex

Doocey loves lamp.

chascates March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

But if someone on Fox News says it it's not sexist! Or Racist!

FREEDUM OF RELIGION!!!!

weej_bain March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

pretty tasteless

That pretty well sums-up Faux Newz.

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

What a fucking douchbag.

SexySmurf March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

So, we can talk about sticking an ice pick in someone's skull, but not about fucking it?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

Hm, what if your penis is as thin and sharp as an icepick?

SexySmurf March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

Then you probably work at Fox and Friends.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm

actor212 said ICEpick, not TOOTHpick.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Needle Dik FTW

weej_bain March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

Do you think our Editrix is dating Jolly Roger?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:26 am

What about people being skull-fucked in the eye-socket with a stainless-steel, barbed, turbo-charged Rabbit ™ while the little clit-wiggler gouges out their other eye?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

Thank you for that image at lunch time…

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:36 am

Just as long as it's consensual.

Ramon X March 9, 2012 at 11:37 am

For a fleeting moment I began bringing that image to mind. And then I thought…no.

GOPCrusher March 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Do you have to pay extra for that?

40 or 50 % McShineys March 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

You just HAD to go and watch the video, didn't you?

KIDS, THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DOOCEY. ANY QUESTIONS?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

Rebecca, you misspelled Steve Douchey.

Schmannnity March 9, 2012 at 10:47 am

"Steve Doocey . . . wandering the streets of New York being abused." Usually, it's Steve Doocey wandering the streets of New York abusing himself.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

I'm wondering how many times a day a guy with this last name of "Doocey" got beaten up in school. We already know what the results of it are.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:02 am

One day, I spent a few minutes thinking of all the different names he got called: douchey, dookie, dorkey, donkey (well, that might be giving him credit, but I meant in a dumb and stupid way), dopey, duncey, and shutupandtakeitall…

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

The perfect Muntz Meme of "Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself!"

iburl March 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

…doodie and deucey, like some "number twos".

GOPCrusher March 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Another example of the "names have consequences" theory. So parents, if you don't want your child to grow up to be a Faux Noise commentator, think before you name them.

EatsBabyDingos March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

"Doochy pees himself…fear of hamptster sex, breathing in, or breathing out" Fixed!

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

I peed. With laughter.

Allmighty_Manos March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

Black law professor hugs or GTFO

ChernobylSoup March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

Why would a laundry tag refer to Koreans as "your bitch?"

… is probably what Gretchen was thinking.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

The lady at the Wash n' fold has been looking at her funny, so maybe she thought the term was appropriate.

FNMA March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

Are you sure that Fox & Friends isn't supposed to be satire?
I have a hard time telling the difference between it and The Onion News Network, although Brooke Alvarez seems less pathological than Gretchen.

Ramon X March 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

Right. It could be. It's like, I am pretty sure that "Sarah Palin" is the stage name of a brilliant performance artist. There's no other way to make sense of it. In fact, is any of this real?

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Mmmm, Brooke Alvarez! I would like to make sweet, satirical open marriage to Brooke and Gretchen at the same time!

donner_froh March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

I watched this one for the first 1:21 (which is one minute and 21 seconds longer than I have watched any Fox News clip) to the point where the guy in the black windbreaker says "Why?" in a perfect New Yawk combination of disdain, mockery and slight surprise that he is talking to an idiot.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:36 am

Hey now, watch it with the "I-word," that was the old medical term for the "R-word" before they changed it from "I-word" to "R-word" in order to be more sensitive and respectful.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

That video desperately needs a subtitle along the lines of "Three morons continue their never-ending quest to locate a working brain."

swordfis March 9, 2012 at 11:21 am

"

el_donaldo March 9, 2012 at 10:52 am

Perhaps someone could guide Doocey down into a subway station and introduce him to the pleasures of peeing himself near the third rail.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:54 am
el_donaldo March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

I see your Mythbusters and raise you a a Straight Dope update.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:07 am

Well, now, if he had already been kneeling, for example (as the article implies), it's possible to electrocute yourself peeing, but it's really really hard. Of course, he was really drunk which probably means he had to go really really badly, which also means there'd be a thicker stream and less likely to break up .

Personally, I think Fox and Fiends ought to do a test of what happens when you drop an electric fan into a full bathtub, but that's just me and it would be wrong to wish it on him.

el_donaldo March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yes, it would be wrong. {I need plausible deniability in case the editrix takes issue with fantasizing about a ridiculous and embarrassing death for Steve Doocy}

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

Gotta be careful – these days the nanny state insists safety breakers be put on all kinds of stuff you wouldn't expect. Just another example of regulation run amok messing with the suicidal person/small appliance market.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:59 pm

^^
^
Aren't you both overlooking the possibility that while Doocy's peeing on the third rail, he could be hit by a train?

donner_froh March 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

The video has an "embed" button. That must mean "embed hot coals in your eye sockets so you won't watch this crap ever again."

Lucidamente1 March 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

Fox and Friends features Brian Kilmeade, a silly blonde girl, and . . . Gretchen Carlson.

(Bada boom)

I'll be here all week, folks.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

At the risk of stating the obvious, this probably isn't going to help the case that conservatives aren't misogynists. Especially after the last few weeks.

It'd be like someone constantly making racist comments all the time and wonder why black people don't like them….which they also do.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

They're not racist against black people, just radical black people. Namely, radical black people who think that there are people out there racist against black people.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Yeah, except they figure it's because the black people are "reverse racists".

SayItWithWookies March 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

I always hoped that by the twenty-first century I wouldn't have boring old relatives who tell the same sexist joke over and over again. And now my pants can do that instead. Steve Doocy and whichever tiny-dicked wonder thought this was funny are not gonna be draggin' my ass backwards in time with them.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

Just think, people: Kilmeade is the one they hired to make Doocey look smart by comparison.

And of course, Petunia's role is to sit there and hold the FAUX and Fiends audience waiting for their panty-flash.
~

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

I love how you can't see a goddamned thing in the video, even tho the asshat slows it down, and the commenters are still fapping to it.

This is like beating off to a pair of panties on a clothesline.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 11:07 am

Have you SEEN my neighbor?

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 11:23 am

I am your neighbor.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

That top-rated comment might be the most vomit-inducing thing I have ever seen, and I sat through 120 Days of Sodom (well, covered my eyes and sat through a third; that counts, right?)

Biel_ze_Bubba March 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

These are the mouth-breathing losers who fap to the "hot" Faux Newsboobs. You were expecting literature?

north_of_moscow March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

I am certain those pants are pleated.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

Doocey doesn't have all of his pierogis in the pan. If you catch my meaning.

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

If you catch my meaning.

Um…He needs a good sk*llfucking? (Don't ban me – I mean the OK kind of sk*llfucking: with an icepick!)

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

What's that in Rooskie?

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Эй, Троцкий, у меня есть для тебя подарок.—

RadioSlut March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

Rebecca, your kidding about that ice pick thingy, right? I don't want you to have to spank yourself.

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 11:09 am

I do.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:34 am

Presumably on webcam, while wearing a black leather bustier and spike heel boots?

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

FAP FAP FAP FAP FA… oh, sorry. I was imagining Jim in this little ensemble.

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Can i get a towel chair up in this bitch !!!?

freakishlywrong March 9, 2012 at 10:58 am

How any Faux asshole can walk the streets of NYC and not get punched in the nads is the real story here.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

There's a restraining order out on me

Jerri March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

Doocey's working on making it a recurring segment titled, "Chicks, Amirite?" Future hilarious jokes include "Women drivers, what's up with that," "Can't you take a joke, Toots," and of course, "Meeeeerowr!"

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

Lighten up, sweetcheeks.

Jerri March 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ack!

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"SMILE, Honey!"

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

New Doocey Segments, currently in production:

"Get me another drink, Toots."

"Hey, Where's my Sandwich?"

"Don't bother your Pretty Little Head about That!"

"What's the matter, You on The Rag Again?"

"OW MY BALLS"

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

*Slowly picks up icepick* "Hey Doocy! Know what today is? It's Panic Day!"

"Heeeeeres, JOHNNY!!" AH HAHHAHA RUN!!1!

Chillatte March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

Needs moar Jägerbombs.

cheetojeebus March 9, 2012 at 11:02 am

I've known a few pig jackals and frankly they would be offended by your heartless simile. Way to further a stereotype and mock an entire cryptozoologic species just for your sick and twisted lame attempt at 'humor'. In any case, a better analogy would be boil burrowing spiders. They suck.

valthemus March 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

Conservatives opened the gate to let out the racists and the misogynists slipped out before they could close it again.

BornInATrailer March 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

Since I'm no longer allowed to wish for a horrible death for the Fox morning crew, I don't know what to type.

JustPixelz March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

howzabout: "icepick, icepick, icepick"

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Leon Trotsky libel!

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I remember a grunge band somewhere called "Trotsky Icepick". That's all I remember unfortunately.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hope that they survive it.

natoslug March 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

The Fox morning crew sounds like a bunch of attention whores. Worse than a horrible death would be if they were ignored, and perhaps forced to listen to each other for a few decades, knowing that nobody else on this planet is going to listen to them. The only flaw in my plan is that I assume that they would be self-aware enough to realize they were no longer being listened to. Fuck it — send them up as the first settlers in the Newter Lunar Colonies.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 11:05 am

Have the conservatives just lost their mind? The whole Rush thing should have told them that the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there; but instead, they just keep going further and further with it, telling everyone to only vote Republican if you really hate women. It's totally insane and self-destructive, but it is fun to watch them keep digging their own grave, deeper and deeper.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

Have the conservatives just lost their mind?

Assumes facts not in evidence

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

But all of their comedy styling rely on hatin on someone.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"See, men wash pants like this…
But women, they wash pants like THIS…"

SoBeach March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

"…the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there…"

…IOW Fox viewers.

They like to hear dumb broad jokes while they're trying to peek up the skirts of what Limbaugh refers to as the "News Babes". And they know that no matter what chicks say, deep down they really dig guys like them.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

Not that any of those chicks have dug them, all because of those man-hating feminazis have told dames they can have "opinions" and "standards."

Biel_ze_Bubba March 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

Just saw a great bumper sticker:

"I would vote Republican … but I'm allergic to nuts."

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

This is what happens when you start believing your own propaganda.

IncenseDebate March 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

Of course the biggest joke is in Douchey's pants.

Tundra Grifter March 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

A while back, I believe it was on MM4A, a poster said he was about to walk into the smallest room in his apartment and take a Doocey.

That pretty much sums it up for this reporter.

usernameguy March 9, 2012 at 11:10 am

You know, if it were anyone other than Kilmeade, I would have thought that last part was dripping with bitter sarcasm. Then I remember it's the guy who once said Swedes have a lower divorce rate because of their racial purity.

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 11:11 am

"Gretch" loves doing laundry, and she also loves a un-lubed ten inch *** **** ****** up her *** until it explodes. Then she loves to ******** that big veiny ****** lathered **** until she almost *******. Nothing pleases her man like getting **** ******* by that dirty **** covered **** after getting *** ******. Her husband then sends her to shower off and wash the ***** from her hillbilly hair.

I kid!

JustPixelz March 9, 2012 at 11:22 am

I thought she loves doing laundry so she can sit on the washer.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

Those rocks in the stream get awful cold in the winter.

arduinohacker March 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

Hey, watch the comments.

she's no hillbilly, she's from Minnesota.

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Fair enough….prairie redneck? actually, I think she's well rounded with some elitist education and such. However , she plays a dumbbell on teevee.

Ever hear of the Korg Monotron synth ($50)? I just created a tiny random sequencer using an arduino . Korg left suspiciously labeled the PCB for ease of hack.

Chet Kincaid March 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

So why would this be funny, if you thought you were allowed to say it? Jesus Fucking Christ, would you people get over your hurt pee-pees about the "new rules"?!

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You're interfering with every American's First Amendment right to act like a drama queen!

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Not *every* American; *some* of us are Divas.
*swans about*

ElPinche March 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Speaking of pee pees, i got little horny typing that out . Hey Chet, yeah I know. I was just trying to be funny. Lord knows i try goddammit!!

DahBoner March 9, 2012 at 11:12 am

I usually cut those labels off, first thing, so they won't stick up my ass…

Not_So_Much March 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

This is the most beautifully written post ever. I really can't add to it.

mavenmaven March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

At least Fox is consistent with their statistics. 2 against, 1 for, equals 50% split.

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Over 120% of respondents agree!

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:13 pm

You gotta love that Creation Math.

RadioDead March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

So what I am getting out of this is that Gretchen does not groom to modern standards.

crybabyboehner March 9, 2012 at 11:23 am

What Would Rush Do ?

Fare la Volpe March 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

*fart*

swordfis March 9, 2012 at 11:25 am

It's a breath of spring to see Repubs crawl into their own anus (ani?); Philosophers: if they eventually disappear, what will remain?

not that Dewey March 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

Brooke Alvarez used to work for FOX NEWS, specifically, on the Greg Gutfeld show.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzanne_Sena

She learned from the best.

Huevos Ocupados March 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

You know what's really fucked up about this? Those pants are imported! America can't even manufacture it's own sexist pants anymore!

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

This is why the Chinese are getting ahead of us!
And!
AND!!
Of course!
It's all so clear now!
THEY OWN ALL THE LAUNDRIES!!

slowhansolo March 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Well, shoot, it's not like women are a significant voting bloc.

An_Outhouse March 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

So you're saying that Steve Doocey is basically a puppy. I would call him a pussy but kittens don't pee themselves.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Doocey might have done better with his little joke if the men of New York didn't burst out laughing and yelling, "FAH-HAAAWKIN' AY!!" at the name "Doocey".

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

First of all, this is an old joke. I saw it on one of those failblog things at least a year or two ago.
Second of all, Brian (the guy in the video who says "Why?") is my hero for the day.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

You guys! You guys!
I just had the most awesome idea!
Since this is apparently what Fox does on a slow day — you know, the whole thing about how anybody who's the slightest bit "politically correct" is a dried-up, humorless snob — let's send Ann Coulter to Harlem with a shirt labeled "100% cotton, have your slaves pick it", and watch the laffriot that's sure to follow.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Oh, tessiee…I have the Perfect Skit for Ann Coulter.

Tell me she isn't perfect for this.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:25 pm

And the guy's name is even "Kramer"?!?

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

YES

I would pay real money to watch that.

retarded_baboon March 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

As a palate cleanser I watched the video of BJ Penn slamming Kilmeade's ass to the ground. That one never gets old.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Advertisers pay millions of dollars to be bookended by this shit.

Seriously, being near this somehow adds to their bottom line? I don't get how the free market even remotely works.

L188188 March 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Hmmm… not much funniness in the video, certainly not Wonketteable… slip slip slip

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I dream about Doocey approaching me with a live-feed mike; and the brown-haired guy who isn't Doocey could be more obsequious and silly I suppose, but I don't know how. Gretchen currently holds the World Title for oldest living woman to have never been fucked while supine.

MRjonz March 9, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Kilmeade softly with his prong?

smokefilledroommate March 9, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Wretchin' wouldn't know feminism if it bit her on the ass.

_qb_ March 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

WRC's cat fashion show correspondent, Morning Zoo straight man, and twofoot-long hotdog sampler, Doocy ain't never found his niche. Poor guy, will he ever be ready for prime time?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:33 am

We love and embrace those who disagree with us, and would never even consider slipping a stiletto between their ribs as we hold them to our breasts…

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Well, maybe if you closed your damned blinds once in a while…

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

Actually, can't afford real blinds, that's just painted on the windows to make it look like there's blinds.

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

That's OK, the lacy panties I fap to is actually a cardboard cutout.

Blueb4sunrise March 9, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Hmmm, potential business opportunity there.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 12:03 pm

In that case, Fox and Fiends ought to do an in-depth investigation as to why that regulation exists if those breakers don't work.

You know, for the public's sake! Like when Rick Sanchez had himself waterboarded.

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