one and that's not funny

Steve Doocey Tries Heroically To Get New Yorkers To See Humor In Dumb Sexist ‘Joke’

Just in time for International Men’s Day (and its 363 brothers), MediaMatters brings us this jolly bit of hilarity from FOX and Friends, regarding pants. In this gutbusting segment, poor confused Steve Doocey celebrated International Women’s Day by wandering the streets of New York being abused. He was surely prepared for the humorless feminazi, but also clearly thought when he asked the man New Yorker what he thought of a pants label that said “give it to yr bitch to wash,” the man would be all, “Fuhgeddaboutit, I’m a big dumb asshole who also hates and fears snatch, and the womens oughta make me a sammich gabbagoul!” And then the man didn’t. Finally, up came a woman who said she thought it was funny — totally fucking stupid, but funny — and Doocey peed himself in relief. (Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex.)

Gretchen Carlson, being a “fun” woman — not like those total cunts at NOW — who can “hang” with her loathsome crew of pig-jackals, assures Brian Kilmeade that his favorite new funny joke is totally funny to her too, since she is a lady who likes to launder her man while massaging his prostate just so, but look in her eyes when he continues his Donald Trump-wannabe boorishness. One night, she is thinking. One night, as he lies sleeping. Icepick, right in his softened skull. She knows seven ways to kill a man. She knows just the point to drive it home.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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      1. Barb

        Yes, they will sing their chart topping hit "Take Two and Call Me in the Morning" and then "Hot Coffee Enema" from their new album. Free Bird!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      See, I would have thought that would fit better with an all male chorus. Mainly made up of graduates of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

  1. Badonkadonkette

    Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex

    Doocey loves lamp.

  2. SexySmurf

    So, we can talk about sticking an ice pick in someone's skull, but not about fucking it?

    1. prommie

      What about people being skull-fucked in the eye-socket with a stainless-steel, barbed, turbo-charged Rabbit ™ while the little clit-wiggler gouges out their other eye?

      1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

        You just HAD to go and watch the video, didn't you?


  3. Schmannnity

    "Steve Doocey . . . wandering the streets of New York being abused." Usually, it's Steve Doocey wandering the streets of New York abusing himself.

  4. memzilla

    I'm wondering how many times a day a guy with this last name of "Doocey" got beaten up in school. We already know what the results of it are.

    1. actor212

      One day, I spent a few minutes thinking of all the different names he got called: douchey, dookie, dorkey, donkey (well, that might be giving him credit, but I meant in a dumb and stupid way), dopey, duncey, and shutupandtakeitall…

    2. GOPCrusher

      Another example of the "names have consequences" theory. So parents, if you don't want your child to grow up to be a Faux Noise commentator, think before you name them.

  5. EatsBabyDingos

    "Doochy pees himself…fear of hamptster sex, breathing in, or breathing out" Fixed!

  6. ChernobylSoup

    Why would a laundry tag refer to Koreans as "your bitch?"

    … is probably what Gretchen was thinking.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The lady at the Wash n' fold has been looking at her funny, so maybe she thought the term was appropriate.

  7. FNMA

    Are you sure that Fox & Friends isn't supposed to be satire?
    I have a hard time telling the difference between it and The Onion News Network, although Brooke Alvarez seems less pathological than Gretchen.

    1. Ramon X

      Right. It could be. It's like, I am pretty sure that "Sarah Palin" is the stage name of a brilliant performance artist. There's no other way to make sense of it. In fact, is any of this real?

  8. donner_froh

    I watched this one for the first 1:21 (which is one minute and 21 seconds longer than I have watched any Fox News clip) to the point where the guy in the black windbreaker says "Why?" in a perfect New Yawk combination of disdain, mockery and slight surprise that he is talking to an idiot.

    1. prommie

      Hey now, watch it with the "I-word," that was the old medical term for the "R-word" before they changed it from "I-word" to "R-word" in order to be more sensitive and respectful.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    That video desperately needs a subtitle along the lines of "Three morons continue their never-ending quest to locate a working brain."

  10. el_donaldo

    Perhaps someone could guide Doocey down into a subway station and introduce him to the pleasures of peeing himself near the third rail.

        1. actor212

          Well, now, if he had already been kneeling, for example (as the article implies), it's possible to electrocute yourself peeing, but it's really really hard. Of course, he was really drunk which probably means he had to go really really badly, which also means there'd be a thicker stream and less likely to break up .

          Personally, I think Fox and Fiends ought to do a test of what happens when you drop an electric fan into a full bathtub, but that's just me and it would be wrong to wish it on him.

          1. el_donaldo

            Yes, it would be wrong. {I need plausible deniability in case the editrix takes issue with fantasizing about a ridiculous and embarrassing death for Steve Doocy}

          2. actor212

            We love and embrace those who disagree with us, and would never even consider slipping a stiletto between their ribs as we hold them to our breasts…

          3. BerkeleyBear

            Gotta be careful – these days the nanny state insists safety breakers be put on all kinds of stuff you wouldn't expect. Just another example of regulation run amok messing with the suicidal person/small appliance market.

          4. actor212

            In that case, Fox and Fiends ought to do an in-depth investigation as to why that regulation exists if those breakers don't work.

            You know, for the public's sake! Like when Rick Sanchez had himself waterboarded.

        2. tessiee

          Aren't you both overlooking the possibility that while Doocy's peeing on the third rail, he could be hit by a train?

  11. Lucidamente1

    Fox and Friends features Brian Kilmeade, a silly blonde girl, and . . . Gretchen Carlson.

    (Bada boom)

    I'll be here all week, folks.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    At the risk of stating the obvious, this probably isn't going to help the case that conservatives aren't misogynists. Especially after the last few weeks.

    It'd be like someone constantly making racist comments all the time and wonder why black people don't like them….which they also do.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      They're not racist against black people, just radical black people. Namely, radical black people who think that there are people out there racist against black people.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I always hoped that by the twenty-first century I wouldn't have boring old relatives who tell the same sexist joke over and over again. And now my pants can do that instead. Steve Doocy and whichever tiny-dicked wonder thought this was funny are not gonna be draggin' my ass backwards in time with them.

    1. actor212

      I love how you can't see a goddamned thing in the video, even tho the asshat slows it down, and the commenters are still fapping to it.

      This is like beating off to a pair of panties on a clothesline.

          1. Blueb4sunrise

            Actually, can't afford real blinds, that's just painted on the windows to make it look like there's blinds.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      That top-rated comment might be the most vomit-inducing thing I have ever seen, and I sat through 120 Days of Sodom (well, covered my eyes and sat through a third; that counts, right?)

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        These are the mouth-breathing losers who fap to the "hot" Faux Newsboobs. You were expecting literature?

    1. Chichikovovich

      If you catch my meaning.

      Um…He needs a good sk*llfucking? (Don't ban me – I mean the OK kind of sk*llfucking: with an icepick!)

  14. RadioSlut

    Rebecca, your kidding about that ice pick thingy, right? I don't want you to have to spank yourself.

  15. freakishlywrong

    How any Faux asshole can walk the streets of NYC and not get punched in the nads is the real story here.

  16. Jerri

    Doocey's working on making it a recurring segment titled, "Chicks, Amirite?" Future hilarious jokes include "Women drivers, what's up with that," "Can't you take a joke, Toots," and of course, "Meeeeerowr!"

    1. C_R_Eature

      New Doocey Segments, currently in production:

      "Get me another drink, Toots."

      "Hey, Where's my Sandwich?"

      "Don't bother your Pretty Little Head about That!"

      "What's the matter, You on The Rag Again?"

      "OW MY BALLS"

  17. cheetojeebus

    I've known a few pig jackals and frankly they would be offended by your heartless simile. Way to further a stereotype and mock an entire cryptozoologic species just for your sick and twisted lame attempt at 'humor'. In any case, a better analogy would be boil burrowing spiders. They suck.

  18. BornInATrailer

    Since I'm no longer allowed to wish for a horrible death for the Fox morning crew, I don't know what to type.

        1. C_R_Eature

          I remember a grunge band somewhere called "Trotsky Icepick". That's all I remember unfortunately.

    1. natoslug

      The Fox morning crew sounds like a bunch of attention whores. Worse than a horrible death would be if they were ignored, and perhaps forced to listen to each other for a few decades, knowing that nobody else on this planet is going to listen to them. The only flaw in my plan is that I assume that they would be self-aware enough to realize they were no longer being listened to. Fuck it — send them up as the first settlers in the Newter Lunar Colonies.

  19. SorosBot

    Have the conservatives just lost their mind? The whole Rush thing should have told them that the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there; but instead, they just keep going further and further with it, telling everyone to only vote Republican if you really hate women. It's totally insane and self-destructive, but it is fun to watch them keep digging their own grave, deeper and deeper.

    1. SoBeach

      "…the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there…"

      …IOW Fox viewers.

      They like to hear dumb broad jokes while they're trying to peek up the skirts of what Limbaugh refers to as the "News Babes". And they know that no matter what chicks say, deep down they really dig guys like them.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Not that any of those chicks have dug them, all because of those man-hating feminazis have told dames they can have "opinions" and "standards."

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just saw a great bumper sticker:

      "I would vote Republican … but I'm allergic to nuts."

  20. Tundra Grifter

    A while back, I believe it was on MM4A, a poster said he was about to walk into the smallest room in his apartment and take a Doocey.

    That pretty much sums it up for this reporter.

  21. usernameguy

    You know, if it were anyone other than Kilmeade, I would have thought that last part was dripping with bitter sarcasm. Then I remember it's the guy who once said Swedes have a lower divorce rate because of their racial purity.

  22. ElPinche

    "Gretch" loves doing laundry, and she also loves a un-lubed ten inch *** **** ****** up her *** until it explodes. Then she loves to ******** that big veiny ****** lathered **** until she almost *******. Nothing pleases her man like getting **** ******* by that dirty **** covered **** after getting *** ******. Her husband then sends her to shower off and wash the ***** from her hillbilly hair.

    I kid!

      1. ElPinche

        Fair enough….prairie redneck? actually, I think she's well rounded with some elitist education and such. However , she plays a dumbbell on teevee.

        Ever hear of the Korg Monotron synth ($50)? I just created a tiny random sequencer using an arduino . Korg left suspiciously labeled the PCB for ease of hack.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      So why would this be funny, if you thought you were allowed to say it? Jesus Fucking Christ, would you people get over your hurt pee-pees about the "new rules"?!

      1. Chichikovovich

        You're interfering with every American's First Amendment right to act like a drama queen!

      2. ElPinche

        Speaking of pee pees, i got little horny typing that out . Hey Chet, yeah I know. I was just trying to be funny. Lord knows i try goddammit!!

  23. swordfis

    It's a breath of spring to see Repubs crawl into their own anus (ani?); Philosophers: if they eventually disappear, what will remain?

  24. Huevos Ocupados

    You know what's really fucked up about this? Those pants are imported! America can't even manufacture it's own sexist pants anymore!

    1. tessiee

      This is why the Chinese are getting ahead of us!
      Of course!
      It's all so clear now!

  25. An_Outhouse

    So you're saying that Steve Doocey is basically a puppy. I would call him a pussy but kittens don't pee themselves.

  26. tessiee

    Doocey might have done better with his little joke if the men of New York didn't burst out laughing and yelling, "FAH-HAAAWKIN' AY!!" at the name "Doocey".

  27. tessiee

    First of all, this is an old joke. I saw it on one of those failblog things at least a year or two ago.
    Second of all, Brian (the guy in the video who says "Why?") is my hero for the day.

  28. tessiee

    You guys! You guys!
    I just had the most awesome idea!
    Since this is apparently what Fox does on a slow day — you know, the whole thing about how anybody who's the slightest bit "politically correct" is a dried-up, humorless snob — let's send Ann Coulter to Harlem with a shirt labeled "100% cotton, have your slaves pick it", and watch the laffriot that's sure to follow.

  29. retarded_baboon

    As a palate cleanser I watched the video of BJ Penn slamming Kilmeade's ass to the ground. That one never gets old.

  30. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Advertisers pay millions of dollars to be bookended by this shit.

    Seriously, being near this somehow adds to their bottom line? I don't get how the free market even remotely works.

  31. ttommyunger

    I dream about Doocey approaching me with a live-feed mike; and the brown-haired guy who isn't Doocey could be more obsequious and silly I suppose, but I don't know how. Gretchen currently holds the World Title for oldest living woman to have never been fucked while supine.

  32. _qb_

    WRC's cat fashion show correspondent, Morning Zoo straight man, and twofoot-long hotdog sampler, Doocy ain't never found his niche. Poor guy, will he ever be ready for prime time?

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