Just in time for International Men’s Day (and its 363 brothers), MediaMatters brings us this jolly bit of hilarity from FOX and Friends, regarding pants. In this gutbusting segment, poor confused Steve Doocey celebrated International Women’s Day by wandering the streets of New York being abused. He was surely prepared for the humorless feminazi, but also clearly thought when he asked the man New Yorker what he thought of a pants label that said “give it to yr bitch to wash,” the man would be all, “Fuhgeddaboutit, I’m a big dumb asshole who also hates and fears snatch, and the womens oughta make me a sammich gabbagoul!” And then the man didn’t. Finally, up came a woman who said she thought it was funny — totally fucking stupid, but funny — and Doocey peed himself in relief. (Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex.)

Gretchen Carlson, being a “fun” woman — not like those total cunts at NOW — who can “hang” with her loathsome crew of pig-jackals, assures Brian Kilmeade that his favorite new funny joke is totally funny to her too, since she is a lady who likes to launder her man while massaging his prostate just so, but look in her eyes when he continues his Donald Trump-wannabe boorishness. One night, she is thinking. One night, as he lies sleeping. Icepick, right in his softened skull. She knows seven ways to kill a man. She knows just the point to drive it home.


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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    When she's done with that icepick, can I please borrow it?

  • Barb

    "Hates and fears snatch" is going to be the name for my all girl band.

    • *crossing legs tightly*

      I'll take two in the balcony, please.

    • Will Wonkette get the aspirin concession?

    • freakishlywrong

      Were you a conservative; it could be "bitter and delusional".

    • memzilla

      Will the opening act be "Aspirin?"

      • Barb

        Yes, they will sing their chart topping hit "Take Two and Call Me in the Morning" and then "Hot Coffee Enema" from their new album. Free Bird!

    • C_R_Eature

      [Insert Vagina dentata JPEG here].

    • BerkeleyBear

      See, I would have thought that would fit better with an all male chorus. Mainly made up of graduates of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

    • tessiee

      I call dibs on "Gabbagool Sangwich".

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Olympic weightlifters wear T-shirts that say "You should see my snatch."

  • el_donaldo

    The last two sentences of that post are now my favorites for ever.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Doocey pees himself several times daily, for reasons including but not limited to: surprise, joy, confusion, fear of Gretchen, fear of Brian, fear of math, fear of hermaphrodites, fear of hamsters, and sex

    Doocey loves lamp.

  • chascates

    But if someone on Fox News says it it's not sexist! Or Racist!


  • pretty tasteless

    That pretty well sums-up Faux Newz.

  • freakishlywrong

    What a fucking douchbag.

  • SexySmurf

    So, we can talk about sticking an ice pick in someone's skull, but not about fucking it?

    • Hm, what if your penis is as thin and sharp as an icepick?

      • SexySmurf

        Then you probably work at Fox and Friends.

        • tessiee

          actor212 said ICEpick, not TOOTHpick.

      • C_R_Eature

        Needle Dik FTW

    • Do you think our Editrix is dating Jolly Roger?

    • prommie

      What about people being skull-fucked in the eye-socket with a stainless-steel, barbed, turbo-charged Rabbit ™ while the little clit-wiggler gouges out their other eye?

      • Thank you for that image at lunch time…

      • Fare la Volpe

        Just as long as it's consensual.

      • Ramon X

        For a fleeting moment I began bringing that image to mind. And then I thought…no.

      • GOPCrusher

        Do you have to pay extra for that?

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        You just HAD to go and watch the video, didn't you?


  • Rebecca, you misspelled Steve Douchey.

  • Schmannnity

    "Steve Doocey . . . wandering the streets of New York being abused." Usually, it's Steve Doocey wandering the streets of New York abusing himself.

  • memzilla

    I'm wondering how many times a day a guy with this last name of "Doocey" got beaten up in school. We already know what the results of it are.

    • One day, I spent a few minutes thinking of all the different names he got called: douchey, dookie, dorkey, donkey (well, that might be giving him credit, but I meant in a dumb and stupid way), dopey, duncey, and shutupandtakeitall…

      • memzilla

        The perfect Muntz Meme of "Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself!"

      • iburl

        …doodie and deucey, like some "number twos".

    • GOPCrusher

      Another example of the "names have consequences" theory. So parents, if you don't want your child to grow up to be a Faux Noise commentator, think before you name them.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Doochy pees himself…fear of hamptster sex, breathing in, or breathing out" Fixed!

  • freakishlywrong

    I peed. With laughter.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Black law professor hugs or GTFO

  • ChernobylSoup

    Why would a laundry tag refer to Koreans as "your bitch?"

    … is probably what Gretchen was thinking.

    • BerkeleyBear

      The lady at the Wash n' fold has been looking at her funny, so maybe she thought the term was appropriate.

  • FNMA

    Are you sure that Fox & Friends isn't supposed to be satire?
    I have a hard time telling the difference between it and The Onion News Network, although Brooke Alvarez seems less pathological than Gretchen.

    • Ramon X

      Right. It could be. It's like, I am pretty sure that "Sarah Palin" is the stage name of a brilliant performance artist. There's no other way to make sense of it. In fact, is any of this real?

    • Mmmm, Brooke Alvarez! I would like to make sweet, satirical open marriage to Brooke and Gretchen at the same time!

  • I watched this one for the first 1:21 (which is one minute and 21 seconds longer than I have watched any Fox News clip) to the point where the guy in the black windbreaker says "Why?" in a perfect New Yawk combination of disdain, mockery and slight surprise that he is talking to an idiot.

    • prommie

      Hey now, watch it with the "I-word," that was the old medical term for the "R-word" before they changed it from "I-word" to "R-word" in order to be more sensitive and respectful.

  • elviouslyqueer

    That video desperately needs a subtitle along the lines of "Three morons continue their never-ending quest to locate a working brain."

    • swordfis


  • el_donaldo

    Perhaps someone could guide Doocey down into a subway station and introduce him to the pleasures of peeing himself near the third rail.

      • el_donaldo

        I see your Mythbusters and raise you a a Straight Dope update.

        • Well, now, if he had already been kneeling, for example (as the article implies), it's possible to electrocute yourself peeing, but it's really really hard. Of course, he was really drunk which probably means he had to go really really badly, which also means there'd be a thicker stream and less likely to break up .

          Personally, I think Fox and Fiends ought to do a test of what happens when you drop an electric fan into a full bathtub, but that's just me and it would be wrong to wish it on him.

          • el_donaldo

            Yes, it would be wrong. {I need plausible deniability in case the editrix takes issue with fantasizing about a ridiculous and embarrassing death for Steve Doocy}

          • We love and embrace those who disagree with us, and would never even consider slipping a stiletto between their ribs as we hold them to our breasts…

          • BerkeleyBear

            Gotta be careful – these days the nanny state insists safety breakers be put on all kinds of stuff you wouldn't expect. Just another example of regulation run amok messing with the suicidal person/small appliance market.

          • In that case, Fox and Fiends ought to do an in-depth investigation as to why that regulation exists if those breakers don't work.

            You know, for the public's sake! Like when Rick Sanchez had himself waterboarded.

        • tessiee

          Aren't you both overlooking the possibility that while Doocy's peeing on the third rail, he could be hit by a train?

  • The video has an "embed" button. That must mean "embed hot coals in your eye sockets so you won't watch this crap ever again."

  • Lucidamente1

    Fox and Friends features Brian Kilmeade, a silly blonde girl, and . . . Gretchen Carlson.

    (Bada boom)

    I'll be here all week, folks.

  • BarackMyWorld

    At the risk of stating the obvious, this probably isn't going to help the case that conservatives aren't misogynists. Especially after the last few weeks.

    It'd be like someone constantly making racist comments all the time and wonder why black people don't like them….which they also do.

    • Fare la Volpe

      They're not racist against black people, just radical black people. Namely, radical black people who think that there are people out there racist against black people.

    • tessiee

      Yeah, except they figure it's because the black people are "reverse racists".

  • SayItWithWookies

    I always hoped that by the twenty-first century I wouldn't have boring old relatives who tell the same sexist joke over and over again. And now my pants can do that instead. Steve Doocy and whichever tiny-dicked wonder thought this was funny are not gonna be draggin' my ass backwards in time with them.

  • Just think, people: Kilmeade is the one they hired to make Doocey look smart by comparison.

    And of course, Petunia's role is to sit there and hold the FAUX and Fiends audience waiting for their panty-flash.

    • I love how you can't see a goddamned thing in the video, even tho the asshat slows it down, and the commenters are still fapping to it.

      This is like beating off to a pair of panties on a clothesline.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Have you SEEN my neighbor?

        • Guppy

          I am your neighbor.

          • Blueb4sunrise


          • Guppy

            Well, maybe if you closed your damned blinds once in a while…

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Actually, can't afford real blinds, that's just painted on the windows to make it look like there's blinds.

          • Guppy

            That's OK, the lacy panties I fap to is actually a cardboard cutout.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Hmmm, potential business opportunity there.

    • Fare la Volpe

      That top-rated comment might be the most vomit-inducing thing I have ever seen, and I sat through 120 Days of Sodom (well, covered my eyes and sat through a third; that counts, right?)

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        These are the mouth-breathing losers who fap to the "hot" Faux Newsboobs. You were expecting literature?

  • north_of_moscow

    I am certain those pants are pleated.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Doocey doesn't have all of his pierogis in the pan. If you catch my meaning.

    • Chichikovovich

      If you catch my meaning.

      Um…He needs a good sk*llfucking? (Don't ban me – I mean the OK kind of sk*llfucking: with an icepick!)

      • Blueb4sunrise

        What's that in Rooskie?

        • Chichikovovich

          Эй, Троцкий, у меня есть для тебя подарок.—

  • RadioSlut

    Rebecca, your kidding about that ice pick thingy, right? I don't want you to have to spank yourself.

    • ElPinche

      I do.

      • Presumably on webcam, while wearing a black leather bustier and spike heel boots?

        • elviouslyqueer

          FAP FAP FAP FAP FA… oh, sorry. I was imagining Jim in this little ensemble.

        • ElPinche

          Can i get a towel chair up in this bitch !!!?

  • freakishlywrong

    How any Faux asshole can walk the streets of NYC and not get punched in the nads is the real story here.

    • There's a restraining order out on me

  • Jerri

    Doocey's working on making it a recurring segment titled, "Chicks, Amirite?" Future hilarious jokes include "Women drivers, what's up with that," "Can't you take a joke, Toots," and of course, "Meeeeerowr!"

    • prommie

      Lighten up, sweetcheeks.

      • Jerri


      • tessiee

        "SMILE, Honey!"

    • C_R_Eature

      New Doocey Segments, currently in production:

      "Get me another drink, Toots."

      "Hey, Where's my Sandwich?"

      "Don't bother your Pretty Little Head about That!"

      "What's the matter, You on The Rag Again?"

      "OW MY BALLS"

  • C_R_Eature

    *Slowly picks up icepick* "Hey Doocy! Know what today is? It's Panic Day!"

    "Heeeeeres, JOHNNY!!" AH HAHHAHA RUN!!1!

  • Needs moar Jägerbombs.

  • cheetojeebus

    I've known a few pig jackals and frankly they would be offended by your heartless simile. Way to further a stereotype and mock an entire cryptozoologic species just for your sick and twisted lame attempt at 'humor'. In any case, a better analogy would be boil burrowing spiders. They suck.

  • Conservatives opened the gate to let out the racists and the misogynists slipped out before they could close it again.

  • BornInATrailer

    Since I'm no longer allowed to wish for a horrible death for the Fox morning crew, I don't know what to type.

    • howzabout: "icepick, icepick, icepick"

      • tessiee

        Leon Trotsky libel!

        • C_R_Eature

          I remember a grunge band somewhere called "Trotsky Icepick". That's all I remember unfortunately.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Hope that they survive it.

    • The Fox morning crew sounds like a bunch of attention whores. Worse than a horrible death would be if they were ignored, and perhaps forced to listen to each other for a few decades, knowing that nobody else on this planet is going to listen to them. The only flaw in my plan is that I assume that they would be self-aware enough to realize they were no longer being listened to. Fuck it — send them up as the first settlers in the Newter Lunar Colonies.

  • SorosBot

    Have the conservatives just lost their mind? The whole Rush thing should have told them that the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there; but instead, they just keep going further and further with it, telling everyone to only vote Republican if you really hate women. It's totally insane and self-destructive, but it is fun to watch them keep digging their own grave, deeper and deeper.

    • Have the conservatives just lost their mind?

      Assumes facts not in evidence

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      But all of their comedy styling rely on hatin on someone.

      • tessiee

        "See, men wash pants like this…
        But women, they wash pants like THIS…"

    • SoBeach

      "…the overt heavy woman-hating is a total loser that turns off everyone but the worst misogynists out there…"

      …IOW Fox viewers.

      They like to hear dumb broad jokes while they're trying to peek up the skirts of what Limbaugh refers to as the "News Babes". And they know that no matter what chicks say, deep down they really dig guys like them.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Not that any of those chicks have dug them, all because of those man-hating feminazis have told dames they can have "opinions" and "standards."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just saw a great bumper sticker:

      "I would vote Republican … but I'm allergic to nuts."

    • HistoriCat

      This is what happens when you start believing your own propaganda.

  • IncenseDebate

    Of course the biggest joke is in Douchey's pants.

  • Tundra Grifter

    A while back, I believe it was on MM4A, a poster said he was about to walk into the smallest room in his apartment and take a Doocey.

    That pretty much sums it up for this reporter.

  • usernameguy

    You know, if it were anyone other than Kilmeade, I would have thought that last part was dripping with bitter sarcasm. Then I remember it's the guy who once said Swedes have a lower divorce rate because of their racial purity.

  • ElPinche

    "Gretch" loves doing laundry, and she also loves a un-lubed ten inch *** **** ****** up her *** until it explodes. Then she loves to ******** that big veiny ****** lathered **** until she almost *******. Nothing pleases her man like getting **** ******* by that dirty **** covered **** after getting *** ******. Her husband then sends her to shower off and wash the ***** from her hillbilly hair.

    I kid!

    • I thought she loves doing laundry so she can sit on the washer.

      • Those rocks in the stream get awful cold in the winter.

    • arduinohacker

      Hey, watch the comments.

      she's no hillbilly, she's from Minnesota.

      • ElPinche

        Fair enough….prairie redneck? actually, I think she's well rounded with some elitist education and such. However , she plays a dumbbell on teevee.

        Ever hear of the Korg Monotron synth ($50)? I just created a tiny random sequencer using an arduino . Korg left suspiciously labeled the PCB for ease of hack.

    • So why would this be funny, if you thought you were allowed to say it? Jesus Fucking Christ, would you people get over your hurt pee-pees about the "new rules"?!

      • Chichikovovich

        You're interfering with every American's First Amendment right to act like a drama queen!

        • tessiee

          Not *every* American; *some* of us are Divas.
          *swans about*

      • ElPinche

        Speaking of pee pees, i got little horny typing that out . Hey Chet, yeah I know. I was just trying to be funny. Lord knows i try goddammit!!

  • DahBoner

    I usually cut those labels off, first thing, so they won't stick up my ass…

  • Not_So_Much

    This is the most beautifully written post ever. I really can't add to it.

  • mavenmaven

    At least Fox is consistent with their statistics. 2 against, 1 for, equals 50% split.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Over 120% of respondents agree!

    • tessiee

      You gotta love that Creation Math.

  • RadioDead

    So what I am getting out of this is that Gretchen does not groom to modern standards.

  • crybabyboehner

    What Would Rush Do ?

    • Fare la Volpe


  • swordfis

    It's a breath of spring to see Repubs crawl into their own anus (ani?); Philosophers: if they eventually disappear, what will remain?

  • not that Dewey

    Brooke Alvarez used to work for FOX NEWS, specifically, on the Greg Gutfeld show.

    She learned from the best.

  • Huevos Ocupados

    You know what's really fucked up about this? Those pants are imported! America can't even manufacture it's own sexist pants anymore!

    • tessiee

      This is why the Chinese are getting ahead of us!
      Of course!
      It's all so clear now!

  • Well, shoot, it's not like women are a significant voting bloc.

  • An_Outhouse

    So you're saying that Steve Doocey is basically a puppy. I would call him a pussy but kittens don't pee themselves.

  • tessiee

    Doocey might have done better with his little joke if the men of New York didn't burst out laughing and yelling, "FAH-HAAAWKIN' AY!!" at the name "Doocey".

  • tessiee

    First of all, this is an old joke. I saw it on one of those failblog things at least a year or two ago.
    Second of all, Brian (the guy in the video who says "Why?") is my hero for the day.

  • tessiee

    You guys! You guys!
    I just had the most awesome idea!
    Since this is apparently what Fox does on a slow day — you know, the whole thing about how anybody who's the slightest bit "politically correct" is a dried-up, humorless snob — let's send Ann Coulter to Harlem with a shirt labeled "100% cotton, have your slaves pick it", and watch the laffriot that's sure to follow.

    • C_R_Eature

      Oh, tessiee…I have the Perfect Skit for Ann Coulter.

      Tell me she isn't perfect for this.

      • tessiee

        And the guy's name is even "Kramer"?!?

        • C_R_Eature


          I would pay real money to watch that.

  • retarded_baboon

    As a palate cleanser I watched the video of BJ Penn slamming Kilmeade's ass to the ground. That one never gets old.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Advertisers pay millions of dollars to be bookended by this shit.

    Seriously, being near this somehow adds to their bottom line? I don't get how the free market even remotely works.

  • L188188

    Hmmm… not much funniness in the video, certainly not Wonketteable… slip slip slip

  • ttommyunger

    I dream about Doocey approaching me with a live-feed mike; and the brown-haired guy who isn't Doocey could be more obsequious and silly I suppose, but I don't know how. Gretchen currently holds the World Title for oldest living woman to have never been fucked while supine.

  • MRjonz

    Kilmeade softly with his prong?

  • Wretchin' wouldn't know feminism if it bit her on the ass.

  • _qb_

    WRC's cat fashion show correspondent, Morning Zoo straight man, and twofoot-long hotdog sampler, Doocy ain't never found his niche. Poor guy, will he ever be ready for prime time?

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