BIG LOVE  10:04 am March 9, 2012

Utah Lege’s New Sex Ed Rules: Don’t Say Sex

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Proving just how good sweet, sweet censorship can be, Utah’s Legislature has passed new statewide sex-ed rules that ban teachers from discussing contraception, premarital sex, and teh Ghey, even when directly asked by “the children.” Perhaps Utah, “The Land of the Saints,” is emulating the smashing success of the “Don’t Say Gay” rules in Michele Bachmann’s home school district, Anoka-Hennepin, as evidenced by the veritable Minnesota tsunami of suicides by bullied gay teens; the “Don’t Say Gay” rules worked so well that the district finally overturned them last month after a federal lawsuit from grieving and angry families. (Might not want to read Rolling Stone’s original, excellent expose of the district’s handiwork unless you’re in an enviably calm — zen, even — state of mind.)

FOX 13 News — which, it would like to remind you, was the only teevee station to bother showing up — reports:

“My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican Senator during Tuesday’s floor debate.

That is true, and the only sensible solution is to abolish all school completely, and at once; we just don’t know what those teachers are “saying” with their “mouths” to “the children.” Nip that shit in the bud!

For some added sad, sad fun, do watch the video above, and marvel that Utah is home to at least one chic female Democrat elected representative who can barely even speak any more, she’s been so beaten down by teh Crazy. Hey Lady Senator Pat Jones (D – Salt Lake County): come on out to the coast (either of them) where, we assure you, it gets better.

House Bill 363 passed the Senate 19 to 10.

[FOX 13, via Towleroad]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 207 comments }

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:06 am

Boy, Utah's almost as harsh as Rebecca

ifthethunderdontgetya March 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

You're just begging for a spanking, again, aren't you.

You prevert!
~

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:10 am

Ssssssssssssssssss, oh yessssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

ChernobylSoup March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

Beware the Jims of March.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

He already visited me. If there was to be a ban, it would have happened.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 9, 2012 at 10:07 am

Can they say ret*rd, though?
~

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:10 am

Or Tr*g? You know, like the in the math classes.

MrFizzy March 9, 2012 at 10:21 am

Or Bristol, as in the, uh…nevermind.

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

Bristol, as in the, uh…

You must mean the Bristol Scale.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:32 am

Could be the Bristol Stomp, a popular dance or so I'm told

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

Does one have to dress like a bear and dance to "Mama Told Me Not to Come" while doing the Bristol Stomp?

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 11:03 am

Naw – he's obviously a chess problem enthusiast, with a taste for the Bristol theme. http://ruszchessstudies.blogspot.com/2008/03/stud

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I think you're allowed to say it if you are one; kinda like the N-word.

Schmannnity March 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

Utah: putting the moron in Moroni.

FNMA March 9, 2012 at 10:09 am

They can still say "fucking," right?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 1:50 pm

As a noun, as a verb, or as an adjective?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:09 am

Ms. Goodhead apparently has the sex beat here at Wonkette, appropriately. Fight the pervasive victorian prudishness that cripples our society, Rebecca! It does get better!

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

Who's Rebecca?

Oh, you mean Miss Manners, our new overlady?

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

…almost as harsh as Rebecca…
…Miss Manners, our new overlady…

ANNOYING -1

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

You don't really think you're gonna win an envelope-pushing contest with the mother of a teenage boy, do you?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

*slams white sidearm on the bar*

I WAS A MUTHAFUCKIN' TEENAGE BOY!

(obscure film reference…would love to see who gets it)

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:55 am

Psst, hey, don't call attention to your references, it ruins the effect.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:58 am

Unless you go the full DFW and make it meta, and say "look at me making an obscure reference in an effort to impress, because I am so insecure about the way others perceive me, but that makes me worry that people might find me pompous, or precious, or overly striving, but thats not my intent, blah blah blah . . .

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Tony Soprano: Whatever happened to the strong, silent type, like Gary Cooper?
Dr. Melfi: Gary Cooper isn't a 16 year old boy.
Tony Soprano: Well… He was at one time.

swordfis March 9, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Beautiful head

RadioSlut March 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

test

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

oh thank goodness.

RadioDead March 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

Wholly, flying fuzz fuck, talk about censorship, Negropolis and I were banned over night.
I hope we're back — but be forewarned everybody, our new overlords mean business.
No animals were injured in the making of this personal trauma.
I promise not to ever say the "R" word, or refer to any genetic anomalies again.
Bcause of this too close for comfort call, I've decided not to be funny today.

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:24 am

Heterochromia iridum is off limits? Damn.

RadioDead March 9, 2012 at 10:34 am

I guess it's just one particular disorder involving an extra chromosome — and mongolism.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

This is good news for the Hapsburg dynasty.

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

"I've decided not to be funny today."

Beg to differ! "Say something funny, Mister Hasenpfeffer!"

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:27 am

Lucky! I volunteered for banning and was denied. Although Jim did visit my profile, which sent a chill up my spine.

RadioDead March 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

I'm having flashbacks. At first I thought "wow, that's nice, Jim is visiting my profile."

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

There goes my respect for Jim.

Everyone knows you log out before stalking someone else's profile!

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:34 am

Is "Trig" really forbidden now?

RadioDead March 9, 2012 at 10:40 am

*zips lips*

DaR[edacted] March 9, 2012 at 10:12 am

“My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home…”

"… like misogyny and bigotry. Yeah, I know there things like 'back to school nights' and what not to get to know teachers and that you can set up meetings with them pretty much whenever to know them even better. But that would result in me missing reruns of Dancing With the Morans or something and the drive thru at Arby's gets so busy in the evening. Besides, the real sexy time learning goes on at the video booths out on Hwy 12…"

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 10:58 am

I swear, this is the exact same shit they were trying to pull in the 70s. I know nostalgia is a big market, but can we all please move on past shit like the pill and whether you can have an anatomically correct discussion in public school? Or at least get more bra burning, cures for herpes and AIDS so free love can make a comeback and goddamn cheap Mexican pot please?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"I swear, this is the exact same shit they were trying to pull in the 70s."

Yeah, the 1870s.

An_Outhouse March 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

Incest belongs in the home not out in public.

Badonkadonkette March 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

"My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican Senator

Right. Keep the sex between kin, as God intended.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:37 am

Obviously, noone is qualified to teach a child sex ed unless they have had sex with the child.

SkinnyNerd March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

So only priests then? OK kids, just open your throats.

Papa_Uniform March 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

'Tis the Mormon way.

soeoho March 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

But when the Storks deliver another baby, what are us "adults" supposed to say?

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

Oh come on, soeoho, that's not a stork. It's an angel delivering the precious little bundle straight from the arms of G*d himself, so there is NO uterus involved in this process (hence, no adult discussion necessary). STAY WITH THE NARRATIVE ALREADY.

soeoho March 9, 2012 at 10:35 am

That splains alot. Edjukation is a gud thing. What do uterus burds do then?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Deliver ultrasound exams.

An_Outhouse March 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

Since only God delivers the babies, its okay for Uncle Jim Bob to be porkin' cousin Annie Mae out behind the pig sty then.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

Wait. You mean women don't always orgasm?

proudgrampa March 9, 2012 at 10:27 am

Playboy Advisor was the best!

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

And women don't want men to pull out and come all over their face?

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 11:09 am

Oh, come on. And I suppose you're also going to tell me that there are no cleavage flashing artificially bust-inflated physicians who treat priapism (under the technical description "raging hard boner that I've had for days") with enthusiastic oral sex?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"Dr. Feelgood, paging Dr. Feelgood, ICU."

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 10:53 am

I don't think most internet porn even involves the production value of high heels or pizza delivery guys. There seems to be an awful lot of stuff that is basically prostitution, using videotape as a bizarre coverup for otherwise illegal activity.

Which is sort of brilliant in its own way, but not likely to foster a healthy attitude towards one's sexual partners.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:10 pm

'There seems to be an awful lot of stuff that is basically prostitution, using videotape as a bizarre coverup for otherwise illegal activity."

There's a Czech brothel called Big Sister (a pun on Big Brother) where you can actually go for free, provided you allow them to film the session:
http://www.cracked.com/article_16305_the-6-most-i

EatsBabyDingos March 9, 2012 at 10:15 am

Well, you can't get a sheep pregnant, and they aren't very good at ironing.

UnholyMoses March 9, 2012 at 11:25 am

No, but:

a.) Make sure to wear button fly jeans, as they'll run at the sound of a zipper;

2.) If you take them to the edge of a cliff, they will push back harder.

Or, uh, so I hear from my relatives in Iowa.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm

ATTN Steve Doocey.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:16 am

"What this bill is, is a mandate against reality." — Sen Pat Jones [D]

How ironic is it, that a Democratic state senator so perfectly articulates the entire national Rethuglican governance meme in one, simple sentence.

Try it on for size and see: "Mitt Romney 2012 — A Mandate Against Reality."

Zen from Utah. You can't explain it!

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

Well, if reality didn't have a liberal bias this would not be a problem.

Personal responsibility – get with it reality!

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

Well, reality does have a liberal bias, which is why so many conservatives keep trying to legislate against it.

Nopantsmcgee March 9, 2012 at 10:16 am

Like all good free-market loving republicants, they let the 'invisible hand' of the market take over. Ifyaknowhatimean.

"Sevier County, Utah – Most Online Porn Subscriptions- Harvard economics professor Benjamin Edelman tracked online p**n subscriptions in the U.S. and found that ironically, Utah is the state with the highest number, particularly in Sevier County. "
http://www.ranker.com/list/the-11-most-miserable-

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

Ugh, you beat me to it. Also, it's more enjoyable if it's forbidden. Clever clever Utahians.

Barrelhse March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

The Sevier family is the talk of the town.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

"…the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home."

All I can picture right now is a half-drunk dad stretched out on a couch, beer in one hand and TV remote in the other, wearing a wife-beater and grumbling something about "goddamn faggots."

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 11:02 am

Not in Utah – more like dad completely sober sitting ramrod straight on a stranger's couch, cup of warm tap water in one hand, Book of Mormon in the other, wearing a starched white shirt and speaking clearly about "God damned homosexuals. And promiscuous women. And people who choose not to reproduce. And anyone who drinks stimulative substances."

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

They are only thinking of the porn industry. Utah: the nation's number one porn consuming state.

MrFizzy March 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

Caffeine-free porn that is.

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

Since I prefer to sleep afterwards, that sounds optimal to me.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:32 am

The funniest thing about this oft-cited statistic is that its based on porn SUBSCRIBERS; what it means is that Utah-ans have the highest rate of PAYING for porn in the nation. So really, its not a measure of their degree of lechery, per se, its a measure of either their honesty, or their stupidity. Mormonis are either the most inept consumers of porn, in that they can't figure out how to get it free, or they have some absurd honesty thing going on and feel compelled not to sin while sinning. I will take ineptitude, as Mormon-land is also a hotbed of white-collar crime and fraud, so I doubt its that (they think its OK to cheat the gentiles).

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 11:07 am

Pay for porn?! Do those idiots write themselves tickets if they happen to accidentally violate a traffic law?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

Words we can't say. What's great idea! Why has nobody ever thought of this before?

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:30 am

Heel Heal, girl, heal.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:37 am

Watch out. BSFD is not as nice as BDRD was. But you could probably tell that from my super baddass new sweater.

UnholyMoses March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

**blink**

**blink blink**

Anyone else starting to hope the Myans were correct? 'Cause, I mean, really, we don't deserve this planet any more.

MrFizzy March 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

It would be really good if the mormonicans would all abstain from everything permanently. Talking, walking, fucking, running for president, etc.

Jerri March 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

House Bill 363, also known as " The Lalalalalala, I Can't Hear You, Shhh That's Gross! Act"

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

I think the acoronym for the bill is "EWW! EWW!"

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 11:05 am

No no. This will be referred to hereafter as the "Curmudgeons Opposing Odious Teachings Involving Embarrassing Sexytime" bill.

BarackMyWorld March 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

See, there's the problem with American education right there: random, anonymous strangers just kind of show up and say whatever they want, without any oversight or accountability.

Wait, did I say "education"? I meant the Utah legislature.

Baconzgood March 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

But they can still talk about Santorum…

randoracer March 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

That's smart, because refusing to talk about it will just make it go away/not happen.

(Yikes — the stupid is encroaching me in Colorado: Utah, Oklahoma, Arizona. I'm beginning to feel surrounded.)

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:23 am

But at least we don't have to worry about the Taliban taking over the U.S., right?

proudgrampa March 9, 2012 at 10:24 am

This legislature is the biggest collection of idiots…

Gaah!

Like I said yesterday, there is no point for a progressive to cast a vote, here. It's just a wasted effort.

AlterNewt March 9, 2012 at 10:24 am

We demand ignorance!!

Terry March 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

"“My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children"

Perhaps he needs to toddle himself down to a few parent-teacher conferences or PTA meetings.

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

Maybe it's harder to keep straight of who is teaching your kids when you have 15 kids? I wouldn't know, but perhaps it gets out of hand in Mormonland.

Baconzgood March 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

GOD FORBID HAVING SECKS FOR FUN!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a long term relationship and because PA got all weirded out about the ghays we no longer have "common law marriage" in this state. This kinda crap pisses me off and if I could (but I can't under the new Wonkette bylaws) I'd say -comment deleted by administrator- with a -comment deleted by administrator- until the batteries run out and then -comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–

(this comment is 100% snark free)

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:33 am

As I said above to actor: you don't really think you're gonna win an envelope-pushing contest with the mother of a teenage boy, do you?

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

Lest Memz tire of repeating himself, I'll put it another way:

Those of us who must filter out the occasional chatty-, virtual-PDA displays & or trolls, now must also filter the interfering noise that is redundant gripe-tripe from sulking resistance-killjoys who used to be the bee charmers with word and wit.

Wanted: more view of hummingbird-like remarks and observations, as such specimens catch the sun & reflect different-hued glints — less of: din from the mosquito hovering around one's ear that is the same 1-note whine one can't quite brush away in spite of trying to evade & turn attention elsewhere, it's still there and still frustrating.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

Um, you know….no one forces you to read every comment, do they?

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Nah. Still..it isn't exactly like reading through a newspaper, where you can skip sections and glance around-about per page.. Granted, intensedebate does 'collapse' threads which can be avoided if perceived they lead to excess chat-&-smooches — whereas before, one couldn't sideline those exchanges from view — but still does not sort or filter if *good* stuff relevant to the post mixes in.
Basically: I don't want to MISS anything, does anybody? Mostly here is found wheat with minimal chaff… Congrats, actor_, you've succeeded in rendering me another chatty-Cathy like I was just criticizing!~

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 10:56 am

As I recall, there is already a term in the Wonkette lexicon for just such people: bitterz.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:27 pm

*wipes away a tear*
*sniff*
That was beautiful.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:29 pm

"less of: din from the mosquito hovering around one's ear that is the same 1-note whine one can't quite brush away in spite of trying to evade & turn attention elsewhere, it's still there and still frustrating"

Nice sentiment in theory; however, I don't think we'll ever be rid of the Palins.

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

Common law marriage is a crock anyway unless you also have a common law divorce rule.

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 10:29 am

"with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home"

Or in the back seats of cars, or under the school bleachers, or…

But I can see the problem of leaving sex education to "strangers." That's why I foresee Utah requiring that all marriages be arranged.

comrad_darkness March 9, 2012 at 10:30 am

Time to resurrect an oldie: "Conservative" the fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

hagajim March 9, 2012 at 10:30 am

Snark off: I cannot believe we continue to have this bullshit discussion year after fucking year. We let the movies and teevee blow shit (and people) up over and over and fucking over, but we can't make sure our kids get some kind of sex (oops I said it) education! I thought I lived in a country that believed in education and learning – but its becoming more and more apparent I missed that day in school when the teachers told us they were there to dumb us the fuck down. Anyway – its fucking 2012 – not 1912 – when in the hell is someone going to wake the fuck up! – Snark back on…

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 10:57 am

Don't forget: "violence but not sex" is the official policy of SCOTUS now.

Barb March 9, 2012 at 10:35 am

I see we are still on that bash Rebecca kick. Kinda makes me want to do chores today so that I don't have to see it.

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

I'm so old I can remember when all the ads disappeared for weeks from this site because of something an unmoderated departing editor wrote. And that was when the wingtards weren't snarling for revenge because their Hate Leader had been mildly chastized.

Barb March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

Good morning, Memzilla!
Paying lawyers is the most soul crushing thing you will ever do. I'd rather have daily boil implants than to even think about it. Jeff sued the builder of our home 5 years ago and seriously, we didn't even have money to send Christmas cards that year. $30,000.00 in legal fees in just a few weeks. We even had to stop drinking for a while. I never want to do that again!

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

*pours Barb a morning eye-opener*

A friend of mine who was an attorney, before he decided to hold onto his soul, reminded me that an attorney's first and foremost job is to get paid.

Anytime you wonder why cases drag on for years, why there are blizzards of motions and cross-motions, why attorneys tell their clients to fight… that's why.

I certainly don't agree with Editrix on everything, but I'll be damned if I want to see this — our — website have to pay thousands of dollars in litigation fees with the money that it doesn't have coming in from ad revenue.

Back to your issue — are you serious? Couldn't you have found an Albanian gang who would have done it for $10,000?

*refills glasses*

Barb March 9, 2012 at 11:18 am

God, thanks for being the voice of reason, Mem. Both of my sons-in-law are attorneys, lol. They are great guys.

We bought a new house and the builder forgot to tell us that he built the neighborhood as a rental community and ours was the model home and we were the only ones who lived in the home we purchased. We don't dislike renters, it's just that the economy tanked and they were renting huge homes for $300.00 to groups of frat boys. Not one owner lived in-state and that just made it worse. They wouldn't pay their homeowners fees and we couldn't get trees and stuff, lol.

New Mexico has a program for First Responders where if you buy a home and stay in it for 4 years you will get like, 1/2 your mortgage paid by the state or something. My neighborhood is now awesome firefighters, police, etc. They have great kids and lovely yards.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 11:23 am

See, and that attitude is precisely why I couldn't go into practice on my own. Too often the best thing for clients is not the best thing for the attorney's bottom line, and the latter wins out. I just don't have it in me to take money that people need, and I'd be terrible at collections, but you can't be like that if you want to survive in a solo or small practice.

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

Oh Barb – don't go! I'll behave. I mean it.

Barb March 9, 2012 at 10:53 am

My avatar head bumps your avatar and rubs whiskers.
It's Friday Honey, let's have some fun.
Do you have HBO? Will you watch Game Changer tomorrow night?

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

Alas little kitten – no HBO here. In fact, we cut the cable cord last year.

Oh well, guess I'll have to stick with the basics – licking self, wondering why the food hasn't been freshened, coughing up disgusting messes in hidden spots so they will be a surprise later on.

Edit – let us know how Game Change is!

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

You guys! Behave, barb has a sad. I'll be good. I swear. But I'm not changing my name back yet because I really like my new sweater.

Barb March 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

That sweater is too cha cha for words. I love it!

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm

This too, like a Big Mac, will pass.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:32 pm

"Kinda makes me want to do chores today so that I don't have to see it."

Let's not go nuts, here.

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 10:36 am

Actually, true story: I went to school with a Mormon who gave birth to her father's child (after two abortions). Such a gift from God!

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:51 am

Jesus!

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

Did she have the kid call her "mom" or "sis"? Jes wondering….

doloras March 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Forget it, Jake. It's Mormontown.

Local_Mojo March 9, 2012 at 10:36 am

My son reported that the Mormon girls in his high school were very adept at sexual activities that excluded the potential for baby-making.

As for home schoolers? He says that homers could be as flat-out weird and nasty as you would expect.

Guppy March 9, 2012 at 10:58 am

So they can't say "sex," but can say "saddlebacking?"

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:03 am

Ah, the Mormon equivalent of the catholic school girls and their blowjobs and mexican (catholic) ass-fucking for virginity. Its funny, people will have sex, no matter how much it is looked down on.

chicken_thief March 9, 2012 at 11:21 am

"….no matter how much it is looked down on. "

If they'd just use a web cam we wouldn't have to crowd around.

sbj1964 March 9, 2012 at 10:36 am

The people of Utah do not need Sex-Ed because they all wear Secret Magical Mormon underpants that protect them?That is the level of Crazy in Utah.

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

Yes.

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 10:40 am

Wait, did someone say, "Your move, Arizona!"? Why, thank you!

New AZ law encourages doctors to lie to women about potential birth defects, to prevent them from having abortions. http://rt.com/usa/news/lawsuit-arizona-birth-abor

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 10:53 am

Oh for fuck's sake.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:25 am

You know, "Hypocritic oath" use to only be a joke…

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm

It's a Child, Not A Hippocrat!

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:40 am

So what'll be the slogan for helping this catch-on in 'n 'round Utah-land? "JUST SAY 'ABSTAIN' "? It worked so well for fighting drugs.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

Well, crap, I suppose Idaho's next. We already have some Goddists in our Lege pushing for mandatory unnecessary ultrasounds before any abortion, which is bound to pass.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

One Republican Senator: “My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children…"

Edited, for Clarity.

sewollef March 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

Damn…. it was so nice having the picture of Soledad O'Brien at the top of the landing page for the last day, it seems a shame to change it.

Can we have her displayed somewhere prominently… so I can gaze upon her lovely features every time I check in to Wonks… Please?

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

Wait, what? I was just talkin about Utah. Does my post have some other meaning that I am totally not aware of? Perhaps I should delete it just in case.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

Can we use combinations? Can we say "Utahrds?"

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

was just talkin about Utah

Upon re-reading, I see that now. Context is no longer 'king' around here, it is the court jester. My bad! I'd assumed you were referring to the brouha, which you in effect conflated in your observation "Words we cannot say" — and the double-reference works beautifully. Bravissimo!

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Oh, there was a double meaning. I was just being a pain in the ass in my reply.

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

But since it's Utah, polygamy involving underage relatives is still okay, right? Just checking.

ProgressiveInga March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

New Utah state motto: "SEX: Don't say it, Don't spray it"

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 10:44 am

The female orgasm is a myth!

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

Don't be hysterical.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:21 am

I tip my hat to the cleverness of this.

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 10:46 am

I'm sorry, Prudish Republican Legislators and Activists: even in Utah, People are Still Having Sex.

And Nothing Seems to Stop Them.

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

As Maureen Dowd quoted Alex Castellanos saying, “Republicans being against sex is not good. Sex is popular.”

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 11:06 am

It's my considered opinion that the people who are against sex are just doing it wrong.

FlipOffResearch March 9, 2012 at 10:47 am

I think abstinence only sex education makes sense for Utah. I've been to that state and there are large unpopulated swaths that need to be filled in.

Also, they could make Bristol Palin their education secretary.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

So in a few years there will be a generation that thinks sex is a tentacle raping monster attacking every orifice on an unsuspecting, overly buxom and yet suspiciously young looking girl? At least, I'm guessing that's what the boys will wind up watching if they are into comics.

Well, I suppose sheer terror is one form of contraception that might work.

JustPixelz March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

"..strangers teaching our children…"

I guess some of these concerned parents could drag their asses down to parent-teacher conferences. OH WAIT! Obama does that with his daughter's teachers. Must not do what Obama does.

But wait'll their kids discover the internet. At home, where sensitive matters are taught. Or at their friend's home. Or on their iPhone.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

Are we gonna wind up in a Clintonian side discussion about what sex is? Because I gotta know how much time I'm going to block out for this.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:00 am

No, no, just pointing out that women rarely orgasm from the almighty dick alone, a fact one might not pick up from watching porn.

Not_So_Much March 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

I'm sure the vast Utah population of Mormon women do. That's why they have that constant Stepford Wife Smile. If not, just go through the rotation to wife #4 or 5 who knows how to fake it properly.

BerkeleyBear March 9, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Yeah, kind of strong evidence that either God didn't make us or (if sex really is for procreation only) he's a complete asshole.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 10:53 am

So, the message is, censoring information about sex is stupid? Stupid, like something stupid people would do? What I am having trouble with, is where is the dividing line between "unprotected stupidity," and "protected stupidity?" I mean, intelligence is essentially an inherited trait, its like tallness, or skin color, more than its like knowledge, which one can choose to aquire, or not. So, whats the rule governing when we can point and laugh and say "look at that stupid person, he so stupid," and when we are forbidden from pointing and laughing and saying "look at that even stupider person?"

Or should we get into a debate over whether possessing that quality called "intelligence" ever gives anyone any greater value than someone with less intelligence? Like, is a smart person "better" than a dumb person? Many smart people seem to think so.

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

Things that make me go hmmmmmm

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:05 am

Some people call them "hummers."

James Michael Curley March 9, 2012 at 11:13 am

Or "Lisa from San Mateo."

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:14 am

Susan from Newark

SenileAgitation March 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

Only smart people think they're "better" than stupid people. It's the snobbery of the intelligent that makes them so insufferable and mistrusted. Looking down on stupid is tempting, but wrong!

gurukalehuru March 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Apparently, lots of stupid people think they are better than smart people, or at least they think they would do better at running the country. Because they are stupid.

swordfis March 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Wouldn't it be better not to make fun of stupid people at all? To begin with, all of us are quite stupid from an evolutionary perspective (cf: global warming). Secondly, most of the people who deserve mockery are not organically deficient in intelligence, (i.e., mentally challenged.) Wouldn't it be more dignified to refer to these people as corrupt, cowardly, hateful mendacious, wizened, arch-reactionary, pre-putsch, spiritually goose-stepping, blinkered, fatuous, mindlessly destructive, gynophobic, morally limited, spiritually gassy, neo-medieval, archeo-religious, pre-modern, post-rational, necrophiliac, thanatos-driven, eros-insufficient, phallus-worshiping, Christianity-destroying, Judaism-clueless, Islamic-ignorant, Mammon-licking Herdenmenschen? It's nicer.

SorosBot March 9, 2012 at 10:57 am

"with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,"

No, moron, they absolutely do not belong in the home. Have you ever heard of abusive parents? Fuck, this bans teaching of homosexuality – so what happens with a gay kid whose parents are evil bigots who would send them off to some brainwashing torture camp? Oh wait, you probably think that's a good thing, fuckhead.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:05 am

Thats right, like the "R-word," its for married adults in the privacy of their bedroom, with the lights off.

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 11:00 am

Oh, go back to sleep, Mr. Derrida.

north_of_moscow March 9, 2012 at 11:03 am

Boy howdy are these people going to be surprised when their precious teenagers continue to fuck unabated.

James Michael Curley March 9, 2012 at 11:10 am

So Utah wants us to have Absinthe with sex. sounds good.

pocwaddler March 9, 2012 at 11:15 am

Yay, Utah! If you want a real contraceptive, use teh google for this name: Gayle Ruzicka. She's the head of the Utah Eagle Forum and has all of the state legislators by the short and curlies. You may never get it up again after seeing her mug.

qwerty42 March 9, 2012 at 11:16 am

Can't they just write a law blaming teh evul wimminz for everything?

prommie March 9, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Thats what the Bible is for.

DahBoner March 9, 2012 at 11:17 am

So, what word do you use when you want to screw your wife's younger 12 year old sister in Utah?

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 11:26 am

"Gun".

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 11:40 am

Osmond?

gurukalehuru March 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Candy, little girl?

elviouslyqueer March 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Todd Palin Ashton Kutcher?*

*meant entirely as snark that does not in any way imply that either T*** P**** or As**** Kut**** are involved in bigamistic incest. Also.

Chichikovovich March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

I hope at least some of the abstinence education in Utah takes the form of teaching the non-Mormon kids the vital importance of the rule: "Don't fuck crazy".

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:20 am

All of them, Katie

Dashboard Buddha March 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

"who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching"

I have a lot to say about this, having been a teacher for many years. However, I have a boat to catch.

In short, bullshit like this makes my blood boil.

mavenmaven March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

Because in Utah, the only people who should teach minors about sex, are their new husbands, who have experience in this matter from his other three wives.

HistoriCat March 9, 2012 at 11:31 am

But that's the trap isn't it? At least in Texas, you can't (legally) get married if you were previously common law married and didn't get a real divorce.

It might not seem like a big deal but when you're dealing with health insurance enrollments and eligibility and COBRA, then you run into all sorts of problems.

Baconzgood March 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I'm married to the lil' lady….I ain't need no paper to love her. And she don't need no paper to make me miserable!

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

That's fine, I doubt that there is anyone in Utah that I would want to fuck.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Hmmmm. I'm thinking I would walk there for the privilege, but that's just me.

Limeylizzie March 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm

A Wonkette Fuckfestival in Provo…let's go.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm

It would be a first for that locale, I promise you.

WiscDad March 9, 2012 at 11:40 am

I had June Clever teach my kids about sex. "Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night Ward?"

Wonderthing March 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Yes, the rule also states that when children ask ANY question that may be remotely related, like "Where do babies come from?", the teacher shall stick fingers in ears and begin humming "Jesus Loves Me" loudly.

thefrontpage March 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Interestingly, the Utah State Senate yesterday, March 8, 2012, also passed a bill mandating that all public schoolchildren in junior high or middle schools be taught, extensively, about felching, blue plate specials, teabagging, Cleveland steamers and Dirty Sanchezes. Similar laws have also been passed in 28 other states, and in 159 other countries around the world. This is part of a new movement supporting Alternate Sexual Lifestyles, or ASL.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican"

Peggy's Mom: Peggy, you know what a penis is, right?
Peggy: Yes, Mom.
Peggy's Mom: Well, stay away from it.
"Peggy Sue Got Married"

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Josef Fritzl approves of this.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Wow! They did it again, no wonder the jobs picture is looking so good.

DustBowlBlues March 9, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Like we need more Mormons.

GregComlish March 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

If teens learn about sex off the internet, then how will they ever learn to hate lesbians?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:30 am

The Supreme Court?

(had to think long and careful there)

hagajim March 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

Most states in America – at one time or another.

anniegetyerfun March 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

Mao Ze Dong?

memzilla March 9, 2012 at 10:35 am

Noah Webster?

C_R_Eature March 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

The Knights Who Say "Ni"?

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

George Carlin?

JustPixelz March 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

Rebecca the Strict Editrix?

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

If it's any consolation, John Merrick applauds you.

Doktor Zoom March 9, 2012 at 10:49 am

Kilgore Trout?

(I see what you did there)

BigSkullF*ckingDog March 9, 2012 at 10:57 am

Unless you want someone to know theyre being watched.
- looks over shoulder –

Mumbletypeg March 9, 2012 at 10:59 am

attention to references…ruins the effect

For squares like myself, it actually helps to know something is being referenced.. otherwise it could be any old teenage male cusser actor212's quoting.

Why am I so contentious today? The contentiousness around here, it's contagious!.

Pop_Socket March 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

For the first time without lurid covers.

actor212 March 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

Since it involved the slamming of a weapon and an outburst, I wanted it crystal clear that it was a reference and not me getting drunk. Again.

prommie March 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

He didn't visit mine! What am I, chopped liver?

Not_So_Much March 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

But only with the normal(ish) hand?

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Mouth ze Dong? Isn't he a porn star?

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