Proving just how good sweet, sweet censorship can be, Utah’s Legislature has passed new statewide sex-ed rules that ban teachers from discussing contraception, premarital sex, and teh Ghey, even when directly asked by “the children.” Perhaps Utah, “The Land of the Saints,” is emulating the smashing success of the “Don’t Say Gay” rules in Michele Bachmann’s home school district, Anoka-Hennepin, as evidenced by the veritable Minnesota tsunami of suicides by bullied gay teens; the “Don’t Say Gay” rules worked so well that the district finally overturned them last month after a federal lawsuit from grieving and angry families. (Might not want to read Rolling Stone’s original, excellent expose of the district’s handiwork unless you’re in an enviably calm — zen, even — state of mind.)

FOX 13 News — which, it would like to remind you, was the only teevee station to bother showing up — reports:

“My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican Senator during Tuesday’s floor debate.

That is true, and the only sensible solution is to abolish all school completely, and at once; we just don’t know what those teachers are “saying” with their “mouths” to “the children.” Nip that shit in the bud!

For some added sad, sad fun, do watch the video above, and marvel that Utah is home to at least one chic female Democrat elected representative who can barely even speak any more, she’s been so beaten down by teh Crazy. Hey Lady Senator Pat Jones (D – Salt Lake County): come on out to the coast (either of them) where, we assure you, it gets better.

House Bill 363 passed the Senate 19 to 10.

[FOX 13, via Towleroad]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Boy, Utah's almost as harsh as Rebecca

    • You're just begging for a spanking, again, aren't you.

      You prevert!

      • Ssssssssssssssssss, oh yessssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

    • ChernobylSoup

      Beware the Jims of March.

      • He already visited me. If there was to be a ban, it would have happened.

  • Can they say ret*rd, though?

    • Or Tr*g? You know, like the in the math classes.

    • MrFizzy

      Or Bristol, as in the, uh…nevermind.

      • Bristol, as in the, uh…

        You must mean the Bristol Scale.

        • Could be the Bristol Stomp, a popular dance or so I'm told

          • chicken_thief

            Does one have to dress like a bear and dance to "Mama Told Me Not to Come" while doing the Bristol Stomp?

        • Chichikovovich

          Naw – he's obviously a chess problem enthusiast, with a taste for the Bristol theme.

    • tessiee

      I think you're allowed to say it if you are one; kinda like the N-word.

  • Schmannnity

    Utah: putting the moron in Moroni.

  • FNMA

    They can still say "fucking," right?

    • tessiee

      As a noun, as a verb, or as an adjective?

  • prommie

    Ms. Goodhead apparently has the sex beat here at Wonkette, appropriately. Fight the pervasive victorian prudishness that cripples our society, Rebecca! It does get better!

    • Who's Rebecca?

      Oh, you mean Miss Manners, our new overlady?

      • …almost as harsh as Rebecca…
        …Miss Manners, our new overlady…

        ANNOYING -1

      • memzilla

        You don't really think you're gonna win an envelope-pushing contest with the mother of a teenage boy, do you?

        • *slams white sidearm on the bar*


          (obscure film reference…would love to see who gets it)

          • prommie

            Psst, hey, don't call attention to your references, it ruins the effect.

          • attention to references…ruins the effect

            For squares like myself, it actually helps to know something is being referenced.. otherwise it could be any old teenage male cusser actor212's quoting.

            Why am I so contentious today? The contentiousness around here, it's contagious!.

          • prommie

            Unless you go the full DFW and make it meta, and say "look at me making an obscure reference in an effort to impress, because I am so insecure about the way others perceive me, but that makes me worry that people might find me pompous, or precious, or overly striving, but thats not my intent, blah blah blah . . .

          • Since it involved the slamming of a weapon and an outburst, I wanted it crystal clear that it was a reference and not me getting drunk. Again.

          • tessiee

            Tony Soprano: Whatever happened to the strong, silent type, like Gary Cooper?
            Dr. Melfi: Gary Cooper isn't a 16 year old boy.
            Tony Soprano: Well… He was at one time.

    • swordfis

      Beautiful head

  • RadioSlut


    • oh thank goodness.

      • RadioDead

        Wholly, flying fuzz fuck, talk about censorship, Negropolis and I were banned over night.
        I hope we're back — but be forewarned everybody, our new overlords mean business.
        No animals were injured in the making of this personal trauma.
        I promise not to ever say the "R" word, or refer to any genetic anomalies again.
        Bcause of this too close for comfort call, I've decided not to be funny today.

        • comrad_darkness

          Heterochromia iridum is off limits? Damn.

          • RadioDead

            I guess it's just one particular disorder involving an extra chromosome — and mongolism.

          • If it's any consolation, John Merrick applauds you.

          • Not_So_Much

            But only with the normal(ish) hand?

          • tessiee

            This is good news for the Hapsburg dynasty.

        • "I've decided not to be funny today."

          Beg to differ! "Say something funny, Mister Hasenpfeffer!"

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Lucky! I volunteered for banning and was denied. Although Jim did visit my profile, which sent a chill up my spine.

          • RadioDead

            I'm having flashbacks. At first I thought "wow, that's nice, Jim is visiting my profile."

          • prommie

            He didn't visit mine! What am I, chopped liver?

          • Guppy

            There goes my respect for Jim.

            Everyone knows you log out before stalking someone else's profile!

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Unless you want someone to know theyre being watched.
            – looks over shoulder –

        • prommie

          Is "Trig" really forbidden now?

          • RadioDead

            *zips lips*

  • DaR[edacted]

    “My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home…”

    "… like misogyny and bigotry. Yeah, I know there things like 'back to school nights' and what not to get to know teachers and that you can set up meetings with them pretty much whenever to know them even better. But that would result in me missing reruns of Dancing With the Morans or something and the drive thru at Arby's gets so busy in the evening. Besides, the real sexy time learning goes on at the video booths out on Hwy 12…"

    • BerkeleyBear

      I swear, this is the exact same shit they were trying to pull in the 70s. I know nostalgia is a big market, but can we all please move on past shit like the pill and whether you can have an anatomically correct discussion in public school? Or at least get more bra burning, cures for herpes and AIDS so free love can make a comeback and goddamn cheap Mexican pot please?

      • tessiee

        "I swear, this is the exact same shit they were trying to pull in the 70s."

        Yeah, the 1870s.

    • An_Outhouse

      Incest belongs in the home not out in public.

  • Badonkadonkette

    "My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children, who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching, with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican Senator

    Right. Keep the sex between kin, as God intended.

    • prommie

      Obviously, noone is qualified to teach a child sex ed unless they have had sex with the child.

      • SkinnyNerd

        So only priests then? OK kids, just open your throats.

    • Papa_Uniform

      'Tis the Mormon way.

  • soeoho

    But when the Storks deliver another baby, what are us "adults" supposed to say?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh come on, soeoho, that's not a stork. It's an angel delivering the precious little bundle straight from the arms of G*d himself, so there is NO uterus involved in this process (hence, no adult discussion necessary). STAY WITH THE NARRATIVE ALREADY.

      • soeoho

        That splains alot. Edjukation is a gud thing. What do uterus burds do then?

        • tessiee

          Deliver ultrasound exams.

      • An_Outhouse

        Since only God delivers the babies, its okay for Uncle Jim Bob to be porkin' cousin Annie Mae out behind the pig sty then.

  • Wait. You mean women don't always orgasm?

    • proudgrampa

      Playboy Advisor was the best!

    • SorosBot

      And women don't want men to pull out and come all over their face?

      • Chichikovovich

        Oh, come on. And I suppose you're also going to tell me that there are no cleavage flashing artificially bust-inflated physicians who treat priapism (under the technical description "raging hard boner that I've had for days") with enthusiastic oral sex?

        • tessiee

          "Dr. Feelgood, paging Dr. Feelgood, ICU."

    • BerkeleyBear

      I don't think most internet porn even involves the production value of high heels or pizza delivery guys. There seems to be an awful lot of stuff that is basically prostitution, using videotape as a bizarre coverup for otherwise illegal activity.

      Which is sort of brilliant in its own way, but not likely to foster a healthy attitude towards one's sexual partners.

      • tessiee

        'There seems to be an awful lot of stuff that is basically prostitution, using videotape as a bizarre coverup for otherwise illegal activity."

        There's a Czech brothel called Big Sister (a pun on Big Brother) where you can actually go for free, provided you allow them to film the session:

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Well, you can't get a sheep pregnant, and they aren't very good at ironing.

    • UnholyMoses

      No, but:

      a.) Make sure to wear button fly jeans, as they'll run at the sound of a zipper;

      2.) If you take them to the edge of a cliff, they will push back harder.

      Or, uh, so I hear from my relatives in Iowa.

    • tessiee

      ATTN Steve Doocey.

  • memzilla

    "What this bill is, is a mandate against reality." — Sen Pat Jones [D]

    How ironic is it, that a Democratic state senator so perfectly articulates the entire national Rethuglican governance meme in one, simple sentence.

    Try it on for size and see: "Mitt Romney 2012 — A Mandate Against Reality."

    Zen from Utah. You can't explain it!

    • HistoriCat

      Well, if reality didn't have a liberal bias this would not be a problem.

      Personal responsibility – get with it reality!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Well, reality does have a liberal bias, which is why so many conservatives keep trying to legislate against it.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Like all good free-market loving republicants, they let the 'invisible hand' of the market take over. Ifyaknowhatimean.

    "Sevier County, Utah – Most Online Porn Subscriptions- Harvard economics professor Benjamin Edelman tracked online p**n subscriptions in the U.S. and found that ironically, Utah is the state with the highest number, particularly in Sevier County. "

    • comrad_darkness

      Ugh, you beat me to it. Also, it's more enjoyable if it's forbidden. Clever clever Utahians.

    • Barrelhse

      The Sevier family is the talk of the town.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "…the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home."

    All I can picture right now is a half-drunk dad stretched out on a couch, beer in one hand and TV remote in the other, wearing a wife-beater and grumbling something about "goddamn faggots."

    • BerkeleyBear

      Not in Utah – more like dad completely sober sitting ramrod straight on a stranger's couch, cup of warm tap water in one hand, Book of Mormon in the other, wearing a starched white shirt and speaking clearly about "God damned homosexuals. And promiscuous women. And people who choose not to reproduce. And anyone who drinks stimulative substances."

  • comrad_darkness

    They are only thinking of the porn industry. Utah: the nation's number one porn consuming state.

    • MrFizzy

      Caffeine-free porn that is.

      • comrad_darkness

        Since I prefer to sleep afterwards, that sounds optimal to me.

    • prommie

      The funniest thing about this oft-cited statistic is that its based on porn SUBSCRIBERS; what it means is that Utah-ans have the highest rate of PAYING for porn in the nation. So really, its not a measure of their degree of lechery, per se, its a measure of either their honesty, or their stupidity. Mormonis are either the most inept consumers of porn, in that they can't figure out how to get it free, or they have some absurd honesty thing going on and feel compelled not to sin while sinning. I will take ineptitude, as Mormon-land is also a hotbed of white-collar crime and fraud, so I doubt its that (they think its OK to cheat the gentiles).

      • chicken_thief

        Pay for porn?! Do those idiots write themselves tickets if they happen to accidentally violate a traffic law?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Words we can't say. What's great idea! Why has nobody ever thought of this before?

    • Heel Heal, girl, heal.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Watch out. BSFD is not as nice as BDRD was. But you could probably tell that from my super baddass new sweater.

  • UnholyMoses


    **blink blink**

    Anyone else starting to hope the Myans were correct? 'Cause, I mean, really, we don't deserve this planet any more.

  • MrFizzy

    It would be really good if the mormonicans would all abstain from everything permanently. Talking, walking, fucking, running for president, etc.

  • Jerri

    House Bill 363, also known as " The Lalalalalala, I Can't Hear You, Shhh That's Gross! Act"

    • I think the acoronym for the bill is "EWW! EWW!"

      • elviouslyqueer

        No no. This will be referred to hereafter as the "Curmudgeons Opposing Odious Teachings Involving Embarrassing Sexytime" bill.

  • BarackMyWorld

    See, there's the problem with American education right there: random, anonymous strangers just kind of show up and say whatever they want, without any oversight or accountability.

    Wait, did I say "education"? I meant the Utah legislature.

  • Baconzgood

    But they can still talk about Santorum…

  • randoracer

    That's smart, because refusing to talk about it will just make it go away/not happen.

    (Yikes — the stupid is encroaching me in Colorado: Utah, Oklahoma, Arizona. I'm beginning to feel surrounded.)

  • comrad_darkness

    But at least we don't have to worry about the Taliban taking over the U.S., right?

  • proudgrampa

    This legislature is the biggest collection of idiots…


    Like I said yesterday, there is no point for a progressive to cast a vote, here. It's just a wasted effort.

  • AlterNewt

    We demand ignorance!!

  • Terry

    "“My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children"

    Perhaps he needs to toddle himself down to a few parent-teacher conferences or PTA meetings.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Maybe it's harder to keep straight of who is teaching your kids when you have 15 kids? I wouldn't know, but perhaps it gets out of hand in Mormonland.

  • Baconzgood

    GOD FORBID HAVING SECKS FOR FUN!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a long term relationship and because PA got all weirded out about the ghays we no longer have "common law marriage" in this state. This kinda crap pisses me off and if I could (but I can't under the new Wonkette bylaws) I'd say -comment deleted by administrator- with a -comment deleted by administrator- until the batteries run out and then -comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–comment deleted by administrator–

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

    • memzilla

      As I said above to actor: you don't really think you're gonna win an envelope-pushing contest with the mother of a teenage boy, do you?

    • Lest Memz tire of repeating himself, I'll put it another way:

      Those of us who must filter out the occasional chatty-, virtual-PDA displays & or trolls, now must also filter the interfering noise that is redundant gripe-tripe from sulking resistance-killjoys who used to be the bee charmers with word and wit.

      Wanted: more view of hummingbird-like remarks and observations, as such specimens catch the sun & reflect different-hued glints — less of: din from the mosquito hovering around one's ear that is the same 1-note whine one can't quite brush away in spite of trying to evade & turn attention elsewhere, it's still there and still frustrating.

      • Um, you know….no one forces you to read every comment, do they?

        • Nah. isn't exactly like reading through a newspaper, where you can skip sections and glance around-about per page.. Granted, intensedebate does 'collapse' threads which can be avoided if perceived they lead to excess chat-&-smooches — whereas before, one couldn't sideline those exchanges from view — but still does not sort or filter if *good* stuff relevant to the post mixes in.
          Basically: I don't want to MISS anything, does anybody? Mostly here is found wheat with minimal chaff… Congrats, actor_, you've succeeded in rendering me another chatty-Cathy like I was just criticizing!~

      • Guppy

        As I recall, there is already a term in the Wonkette lexicon for just such people: bitterz.

      • tessiee

        *wipes away a tear*
        That was beautiful.

      • tessiee

        "less of: din from the mosquito hovering around one's ear that is the same 1-note whine one can't quite brush away in spite of trying to evade & turn attention elsewhere, it's still there and still frustrating"

        Nice sentiment in theory; however, I don't think we'll ever be rid of the Palins.

    • HistoriCat

      Common law marriage is a crock anyway unless you also have a common law divorce rule.

  • Guppy

    "with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home"

    Or in the back seats of cars, or under the school bleachers, or…

    But I can see the problem of leaving sex education to "strangers." That's why I foresee Utah requiring that all marriages be arranged.

  • comrad_darkness

    Time to resurrect an oldie: "Conservative" the fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

  • hagajim

    Snark off: I cannot believe we continue to have this bullshit discussion year after fucking year. We let the movies and teevee blow shit (and people) up over and over and fucking over, but we can't make sure our kids get some kind of sex (oops I said it) education! I thought I lived in a country that believed in education and learning – but its becoming more and more apparent I missed that day in school when the teachers told us they were there to dumb us the fuck down. Anyway – its fucking 2012 – not 1912 – when in the hell is someone going to wake the fuck up! – Snark back on…

    • Guppy

      Don't forget: "violence but not sex" is the official policy of SCOTUS now.

  • Barb

    I see we are still on that bash Rebecca kick. Kinda makes me want to do chores today so that I don't have to see it.

    • memzilla

      I'm so old I can remember when all the ads disappeared for weeks from this site because of something an unmoderated departing editor wrote. And that was when the wingtards weren't snarling for revenge because their Hate Leader had been mildly chastized.

      • Barb

        Good morning, Memzilla!
        Paying lawyers is the most soul crushing thing you will ever do. I'd rather have daily boil implants than to even think about it. Jeff sued the builder of our home 5 years ago and seriously, we didn't even have money to send Christmas cards that year. $30,000.00 in legal fees in just a few weeks. We even had to stop drinking for a while. I never want to do that again!

        • memzilla

          *pours Barb a morning eye-opener*

          A friend of mine who was an attorney, before he decided to hold onto his soul, reminded me that an attorney's first and foremost job is to get paid.

          Anytime you wonder why cases drag on for years, why there are blizzards of motions and cross-motions, why attorneys tell their clients to fight… that's why.

          I certainly don't agree with Editrix on everything, but I'll be damned if I want to see this — our — website have to pay thousands of dollars in litigation fees with the money that it doesn't have coming in from ad revenue.

          Back to your issue — are you serious? Couldn't you have found an Albanian gang who would have done it for $10,000?

          *refills glasses*

          • Barb

            God, thanks for being the voice of reason, Mem. Both of my sons-in-law are attorneys, lol. They are great guys.

            We bought a new house and the builder forgot to tell us that he built the neighborhood as a rental community and ours was the model home and we were the only ones who lived in the home we purchased. We don't dislike renters, it's just that the economy tanked and they were renting huge homes for $300.00 to groups of frat boys. Not one owner lived in-state and that just made it worse. They wouldn't pay their homeowners fees and we couldn't get trees and stuff, lol.

            New Mexico has a program for First Responders where if you buy a home and stay in it for 4 years you will get like, 1/2 your mortgage paid by the state or something. My neighborhood is now awesome firefighters, police, etc. They have great kids and lovely yards.

          • BerkeleyBear

            See, and that attitude is precisely why I couldn't go into practice on my own. Too often the best thing for clients is not the best thing for the attorney's bottom line, and the latter wins out. I just don't have it in me to take money that people need, and I'd be terrible at collections, but you can't be like that if you want to survive in a solo or small practice.

    • HistoriCat

      Oh Barb – don't go! I'll behave. I mean it.

      • Barb

        My avatar head bumps your avatar and rubs whiskers.
        It's Friday Honey, let's have some fun.
        Do you have HBO? Will you watch Game Changer tomorrow night?

        • HistoriCat

          Alas little kitten – no HBO here. In fact, we cut the cable cord last year.

          Oh well, guess I'll have to stick with the basics – licking self, wondering why the food hasn't been freshened, coughing up disgusting messes in hidden spots so they will be a surprise later on.

          Edit – let us know how Game Change is!

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      You guys! Behave, barb has a sad. I'll be good. I swear. But I'm not changing my name back yet because I really like my new sweater.

      • Barb

        That sweater is too cha cha for words. I love it!

    • ttommyunger

      This too, like a Big Mac, will pass.

    • tessiee

      "Kinda makes me want to do chores today so that I don't have to see it."

      Let's not go nuts, here.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Actually, true story: I went to school with a Mormon who gave birth to her father's child (after two abortions). Such a gift from God!

    • HistoriCat


    • chicken_thief

      Did she have the kid call her "mom" or "sis"? Jes wondering….

    • doloras

      Forget it, Jake. It's Mormontown.

  • Local_Mojo

    My son reported that the Mormon girls in his high school were very adept at sexual activities that excluded the potential for baby-making.

    As for home schoolers? He says that homers could be as flat-out weird and nasty as you would expect.

    • Guppy

      So they can't say "sex," but can say "saddlebacking?"

    • prommie

      Ah, the Mormon equivalent of the catholic school girls and their blowjobs and mexican (catholic) ass-fucking for virginity. Its funny, people will have sex, no matter how much it is looked down on.

      • chicken_thief

        "….no matter how much it is looked down on. "

        If they'd just use a web cam we wouldn't have to crowd around.

  • sbj1964

    The people of Utah do not need Sex-Ed because they all wear Secret Magical Mormon underpants that protect them?That is the level of Crazy in Utah.

  • Yes.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, did someone say, "Your move, Arizona!"? Why, thank you!

    New AZ law encourages doctors to lie to women about potential birth defects, to prevent them from having abortions.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh for fuck's sake.

    • You know, "Hypocritic oath" use to only be a joke…

      • Doktor Zoom

        It's a Child, Not A Hippocrat!

  • So what'll be the slogan for helping this catch-on in 'n 'round Utah-land? "JUST SAY 'ABSTAIN' "? It worked so well for fighting drugs.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, crap, I suppose Idaho's next. We already have some Goddists in our Lege pushing for mandatory unnecessary ultrasounds before any abortion, which is bound to pass.

  • C_R_Eature

    One Republican Senator: “My problem is that we’re having essentially complete strangers teaching our children…"

    Edited, for Clarity.

  • sewollef

    Damn…. it was so nice having the picture of Soledad O'Brien at the top of the landing page for the last day, it seems a shame to change it.

    Can we have her displayed somewhere prominently… so I can gaze upon her lovely features every time I check in to Wonks… Please?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Wait, what? I was just talkin about Utah. Does my post have some other meaning that I am totally not aware of? Perhaps I should delete it just in case.

    • prommie

      Can we use combinations? Can we say "Utahrds?"

    • was just talkin about Utah

      Upon re-reading, I see that now. Context is no longer 'king' around here, it is the court jester. My bad! I'd assumed you were referring to the brouha, which you in effect conflated in your observation "Words we cannot say" — and the double-reference works beautifully. Bravissimo!

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Oh, there was a double meaning. I was just being a pain in the ass in my reply.

  • But since it's Utah, polygamy involving underage relatives is still okay, right? Just checking.

  • ProgressiveInga

    New Utah state motto: "SEX: Don't say it, Don't spray it"

  • HistoriCat

    The female orgasm is a myth!

    • prommie

      Don't be hysterical.

      • I tip my hat to the cleverness of this.

  • C_R_Eature

    I'm sorry, Prudish Republican Legislators and Activists: even in Utah, People are Still Having Sex.

    And Nothing Seems to Stop Them.

    • As Maureen Dowd quoted Alex Castellanos saying, “Republicans being against sex is not good. Sex is popular.”

      • C_R_Eature

        It's my considered opinion that the people who are against sex are just doing it wrong.

  • I think abstinence only sex education makes sense for Utah. I've been to that state and there are large unpopulated swaths that need to be filled in.

    Also, they could make Bristol Palin their education secretary.

  • BerkeleyBear

    So in a few years there will be a generation that thinks sex is a tentacle raping monster attacking every orifice on an unsuspecting, overly buxom and yet suspiciously young looking girl? At least, I'm guessing that's what the boys will wind up watching if they are into comics.

    Well, I suppose sheer terror is one form of contraception that might work.

  • "..strangers teaching our children…"

    I guess some of these concerned parents could drag their asses down to parent-teacher conferences. OH WAIT! Obama does that with his daughter's teachers. Must not do what Obama does.

    But wait'll their kids discover the internet. At home, where sensitive matters are taught. Or at their friend's home. Or on their iPhone.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Are we gonna wind up in a Clintonian side discussion about what sex is? Because I gotta know how much time I'm going to block out for this.

    • prommie

      No, no, just pointing out that women rarely orgasm from the almighty dick alone, a fact one might not pick up from watching porn.

      • Not_So_Much

        I'm sure the vast Utah population of Mormon women do. That's why they have that constant Stepford Wife Smile. If not, just go through the rotation to wife #4 or 5 who knows how to fake it properly.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Yeah, kind of strong evidence that either God didn't make us or (if sex really is for procreation only) he's a complete asshole.

  • prommie

    So, the message is, censoring information about sex is stupid? Stupid, like something stupid people would do? What I am having trouble with, is where is the dividing line between "unprotected stupidity," and "protected stupidity?" I mean, intelligence is essentially an inherited trait, its like tallness, or skin color, more than its like knowledge, which one can choose to aquire, or not. So, whats the rule governing when we can point and laugh and say "look at that stupid person, he so stupid," and when we are forbidden from pointing and laughing and saying "look at that even stupider person?"

    Or should we get into a debate over whether possessing that quality called "intelligence" ever gives anyone any greater value than someone with less intelligence? Like, is a smart person "better" than a dumb person? Many smart people seem to think so.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Things that make me go hmmmmmm

      • prommie

        Some people call them "hummers."

        • James Michael Curley

          Or "Lisa from San Mateo."

          • prommie

            Susan from Newark

    • SenileAgitation

      Only smart people think they're "better" than stupid people. It's the snobbery of the intelligent that makes them so insufferable and mistrusted. Looking down on stupid is tempting, but wrong!

      • Apparently, lots of stupid people think they are better than smart people, or at least they think they would do better at running the country. Because they are stupid.

    • swordfis

      Wouldn't it be better not to make fun of stupid people at all? To begin with, all of us are quite stupid from an evolutionary perspective (cf: global warming). Secondly, most of the people who deserve mockery are not organically deficient in intelligence, (i.e., mentally challenged.) Wouldn't it be more dignified to refer to these people as corrupt, cowardly, hateful mendacious, wizened, arch-reactionary, pre-putsch, spiritually goose-stepping, blinkered, fatuous, mindlessly destructive, gynophobic, morally limited, spiritually gassy, neo-medieval, archeo-religious, pre-modern, post-rational, necrophiliac, thanatos-driven, eros-insufficient, phallus-worshiping, Christianity-destroying, Judaism-clueless, Islamic-ignorant, Mammon-licking Herdenmenschen? It's nicer.

  • SorosBot

    "with the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,"

    No, moron, they absolutely do not belong in the home. Have you ever heard of abusive parents? Fuck, this bans teaching of homosexuality – so what happens with a gay kid whose parents are evil bigots who would send them off to some brainwashing torture camp? Oh wait, you probably think that's a good thing, fuckhead.

    • prommie

      Thats right, like the "R-word," its for married adults in the privacy of their bedroom, with the lights off.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, go back to sleep, Mr. Derrida.

  • north_of_moscow

    Boy howdy are these people going to be surprised when their precious teenagers continue to fuck unabated.

  • James Michael Curley

    So Utah wants us to have Absinthe with sex. sounds good.

  • pocwaddler

    Yay, Utah! If you want a real contraceptive, use teh google for this name: Gayle Ruzicka. She's the head of the Utah Eagle Forum and has all of the state legislators by the short and curlies. You may never get it up again after seeing her mug.

  • qwerty42

    Can't they just write a law blaming teh evul wimminz for everything?

    • prommie

      Thats what the Bible is for.

  • DahBoner

    So, what word do you use when you want to screw your wife's younger 12 year old sister in Utah?

    • C_R_Eature


    • Limeylizzie


    • Candy, little girl?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Todd Palin Ashton Kutcher?*

      *meant entirely as snark that does not in any way imply that either T*** P**** or As**** Kut**** are involved in bigamistic incest. Also.

  • Chichikovovich

    I hope at least some of the abstinence education in Utah takes the form of teaching the non-Mormon kids the vital importance of the rule: "Don't fuck crazy".

  • All of them, Katie

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "who frankly we don’t know who they are and exactly what they’re teaching"

    I have a lot to say about this, having been a teacher for many years. However, I have a boat to catch.

    In short, bullshit like this makes my blood boil.

  • mavenmaven

    Because in Utah, the only people who should teach minors about sex, are their new husbands, who have experience in this matter from his other three wives.

  • HistoriCat

    But that's the trap isn't it? At least in Texas, you can't (legally) get married if you were previously common law married and didn't get a real divorce.

    It might not seem like a big deal but when you're dealing with health insurance enrollments and eligibility and COBRA, then you run into all sorts of problems.

    • Baconzgood

      I'm married to the lil' lady….I ain't need no paper to love her. And she don't need no paper to make me miserable!

  • Limeylizzie

    That's fine, I doubt that there is anyone in Utah that I would want to fuck.

    • ttommyunger

      Hmmmm. I'm thinking I would walk there for the privilege, but that's just me.

      • Limeylizzie

        A Wonkette Fuckfestival in Provo…let's go.

        • ttommyunger

          It would be a first for that locale, I promise you.

  • WiscDad

    I had June Clever teach my kids about sex. "Don't you think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night Ward?"

  • Wonderthing

    Yes, the rule also states that when children ask ANY question that may be remotely related, like "Where do babies come from?", the teacher shall stick fingers in ears and begin humming "Jesus Loves Me" loudly.

  • thefrontpage

    Interestingly, the Utah State Senate yesterday, March 8, 2012, also passed a bill mandating that all public schoolchildren in junior high or middle schools be taught, extensively, about felching, blue plate specials, teabagging, Cleveland steamers and Dirty Sanchezes. Similar laws have also been passed in 28 other states, and in 159 other countries around the world. This is part of a new movement supporting Alternate Sexual Lifestyles, or ASL.

  • tessiee

    "the most sensitive issues that do belong in the home,” said one Republican"

    Peggy's Mom: Peggy, you know what a penis is, right?
    Peggy: Yes, Mom.
    Peggy's Mom: Well, stay away from it.
    "Peggy Sue Got Married"

  • tessiee

    Josef Fritzl approves of this.

  • ttommyunger

    Wow! They did it again, no wonder the jobs picture is looking so good.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Like we need more Mormons.

  • GregComlish

    If teens learn about sex off the internet, then how will they ever learn to hate lesbians?

Previous article‘THE VETTING’ Is Just Unearthing Game-Changer After Game-Changer
Next articleSteve Doocey Tries Heroically To Get New Yorkers To See Humor In Dumb Sexist ‘Joke’