The Democratic primary result in Ohio’s 2nd District this week presents us with another fine case study in how the federal campaign finance code, post-Citizens United, is now just a scribbled one-line note reading “just do whatver who cares haw haw.” The winner was William R. Smith, who narrowly defeated a candidate, David Krikorian, who’d run twice before. The thing about Smith: no one knows who he is or has ever seen him, and he didn’t spent any time or money campaigning. Sounds like we’ve got another Alvin Greene to play with, people. Except Smith has a SuperPAC, about which there is no public information, spending all the money and campaigning for him! Isn’t that so charitable of them? It’s like one of those many hundred neo-feudalistic reality shows nowadays where the rich people throw a few bucks at one poor family and declare themselves heroes, but with more democracy-destruction and no heroes.

Smith is apparently a 61-year-old trucker who refused to interact with the media in any way during his non-campaign, clearing the way for some unregistered SuperPAC to make up stories on his behalf and trick stupid people into voting for him, the only remaining path to success in American politics. From

Smith spent no money on the race, nor did he appear to do any real campaigning. But someone weighed in on his behalf—a group calling itself the “Victory Ohio Super PAC.”

That group—which has not registered with the Federal Elections Commission—apparently made “robo-calls” to some voters in the districts touting Smith as the “real Democrat” in the race.

In the call, which does not mention Krikorian by name, a woman’s voice says this:

“William Smith has an opponent that describes himself as a Reagan conservative. William Smith’s opponent was already sanctioned by the Ohio Elections Commission for not telling the truth. Please don’t make a mistake and embarrass the party. Vote for William Smith, the real Democrat for Congress. This has been paid for by the Victory Ohio Super PAC.”

Your Wonkette is going to dig into this a little bit, do a lil’ journalism, instead of just speculating on the circumstantial evidence, so give us a moment here. [Watches cat videos for 30 seconds]. We have determined this is obviously Republicans fucking with a Democratic primary.


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  • nounverb911
    • ElPinche

      Apparently that Lions fan doesn't know how to draw a nose. Looks like he's got scrotnils.

      • Is that a nose in his bag or is he happy to sniff us?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't that the Unknown Comic? Or an old Saints fan? Or Matthew Lesko? I think that about covers all the bases, except the Lions fan referred to by NV911 above.

    • I dunno. I think this guy might be a three-bagger. That's where he's so ugly, you double bag him then tack one to the headboard in case one breaks

      • widestanceromance

        Safer to tape the third one to your own eyes, actually. Don't ask how I know this.

        • HistoriCat

          The great thing about having lousy vision is that after you take off your glasses or remove your contacts, it's all just a blur.

    • We have a Wonkette commenter who has the bag-over-head as his/her avatar, but I can't remember their handle.

      • Geminisunmars

        Must be this guy.

  • memzilla

    PAC bucks go in, PAC bucks go out. You can't explain it!

    • Baconzgood

      Why does William Smith's PAC have $15,000,000 and David Krikorian's PAC have only $1,000,000?

      • Men In Black, I & II, dude. Come on….

        • Baconzgood

          Well played my gun toting kitten friend. Well played.

  • Paging Alvin Greene! Alvin Greene, your company is here!

  • who refused to interact with the media in any way

    Well, as they say: if Mohammed won't come to the mountain…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Santorum should learn from this guy.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Looks like an old girlfriend of mine.

  • Local_Mojo

    It has been said that he is the reincarnation of Button Gwinnett.

    Don't know how these rumors get started.

    • Y'know, I read that somewhere so it must be true.

    • Veritas78

      Funny, he looks more like Dick Button. (Funniest name for a gay skater EVARZ!!)

  • We have determined this is obviously local Republicans fucking with a Democratic primary.

    Local, Jim? Really? I wouldn't bet on that.

    • Yeah I was just thinking about that… I meant like the county party would come up with the plan then go get money from the national party… but i will just delete that descriptor because Someone Complained so it was bad, thank you.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "but i will just delete that descriptor because Someone Complained so it was bad, thank you. "


        • I have never been here before. What is this website?

          • elviouslyqueer

            Oh please, this isn't a website. It's a Mommy Blog combining onerous rules with lots of filthy language.

          • Veritas78

            And Mommy's a differently-abled nazi jewess overlord. Other than that, everything's normal.

          • whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiCRACK!

          • MissTaken

            Can't be a website, it doesn't allow comments.

          • Whata are these "comments" of which you speak?

    • SkinnyNerd

      Here is an old article describing Krikorian as somewhat Republican.

      • Thanks, I was wondering (slightly) whether this was House or Senate (duh).

  • Generation[redacted]

    You do that journalism whatchamacalit, Wonkette. Just speculating on circumstantial evidence is our job!

    • widestanceromance

      Hey, now I do small amounts of web-based research from time to time.

      • So do I! In fact, I looked into this story and….oooooo, a bicycle!

      • anniegetyerfun

        Into naked people having sexytime? I do a great deal of research in that arena, but most of my findings are preliminary, so I can't go into any major detail at this point in time.

  • memzilla

    Please also note that the Federal Elections Commission is constituted by law as 3 Rethuglicans and 3 Democrats, guaranteeing perpetual gridlock, which is only OK if you're talking about bathhouses or Plato's Retreat in the 1970s.

  • nounverb911

    I smell Jim DeMint's smelly fingers in this.

    • widestanceromance

      And I bet it is not minty fresh.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It is at times like this I am so glad that corporations are people too.

    • nounverb911

      And tornadoes.

      • AbandonHope

        Wait, corporations are tornadoes, or tornadoes are people? I'm confused here.

  • SorosBot

    Wait, Will Smith is running for Congress in Ohio? I thought he'd be running to represent Bel Air.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't their a Kennedy cousin named Will Smith somewhere, too, also?

      • SorosBot

        The rapist one, yes.

      • Crank_Tango

        one of the rapier ones, also. oh, is that libel? I mean rapish. Rapely? Allegedly rapey?

        Some might say he is a rapist.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Vote for William Smith! The other guy's Armenian or something, which is practically Muslin!

  • 738838

    Game on!

  • "Victory Ohio", sounds legit enough. I don't see why we have to get all nosy about it.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Day-um Okie Jim Rogers needs one of them thar Sooper Packs.

    Too bad he lost to Doctor RWNJ.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "An Allan Smithee Campaign."

  • ElPinche

    Hey Jim, if you need a fake pimp for your journalistic foray let me know.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I know William Smith!!! In fact, I know about three or four of him.

    • hagajim

      Hell, my dog's name is William Smith. I was wondering what he was doing out all those nights. Musta been running a faux campaign in Ohio. I'll have to take the paper to his ass.

    • If that's his real name…

  • I thought "plain brown wrapper" was what truck drivers used to identify cops' unmarked vehicles, not themselves.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I wish I were rich enough to buy an election. Or a pony. One of those.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label would be enough for me.

    • AbandonHope

      If you're REALLY rich enough, you can elect the pony.

  • Forget it, Jim.

    It's Ohio.

  • SayItWithWookies

    We need to know more — what kind of cats were they?

  • GOPCrusher

    The best things that could come out the Citizens United decision is that the Republiklans get caught in some voter fraud scandal so heinous that Congress is forced to pass a law outlawing these Super PACS, and the Supreme Court takes a collective shot to the jimmy for ruling that corporations have the same free speech rights as human beings.

  • no one knows who he is or has ever seen him

    "Career trucker, aged 61, Stays Under Radar."

    unregistered SuperPAC to make up stories on his behalf

    Give him forty fakers, and he'll turn this gig around.

    • no one knows who he is or has ever seen him

      He was a quiet man. Neighbors said he mostly kept to himself but always had a kind word if you ran into him. No one knew he kept a blood-soaked chainsaw as a memento

    • Guppy

      How about forty fakirs?

  • BerkeleyBear

    Can I just start running anonymous candidates funded by anonymous corporate donations to mess with my enemies? Because that sounds cool.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If we could fill Congress with anonymous unknown nobodies, we'd probably be a hell of a lot better off. This needs serious consideration.

      • HistoriCat

        Considering how awful Congress is, maybe we should consider like jury service – you just wait until you get that notice in the mail.

        "Damn it – I'm off to Washington. I'll see you guys in a couple years."

  • pinkocommi

    In US politics, may the richest candidate win!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because the richest one gets the most free speech.

      Hmmm…. I wonder why they call it "free".

  • hagajim

    He refused to interact with the media in any way….then why didn't the media do the job they were paid to do and find out something about this dillhole….and more importantly, I didn't think CU ruling allowed for fraud….but maybe I'm old fashioned. Meh, Ohio gets what it gets, just another example of how stupid 'Merikans are, fuck em.

  • Baconzgood

    People in Ohio are stupid. I'll prove my point with this statement:

    They let Cleveland be in there.

    The prosecution rests!

  • not that Dewey

    Thomas Pynchon is running for Congress? Awesome.

  • GOPCrusher

    Hell, Sarah Palin's been running a whole "I might run for President" campaign for the last four years and managed to feed her and her brood and travel around the world.
    Stupid me, I just keep going to my office job every day.

  • Lucidamente1

    First Joe the Plumber, now this. Ohio, are you trying to be the new Florida?

  • MissTaken

    This is democracy's finest hour.

    • Hey, let's not exaggerate! It's democracy's finest ninety seconds.

  • WiscDad

    After reading about this Krikorian guy, I think it's the Democratic party fucking with his dumb ass…not the Republicans.

  • orygoon

    Ohio is one of those places where a lot of people live and nobody can explain it.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sort of like Mississippi. Well, except for that whole "a lot of people" thing.

    • sati_demise

      Farmers markets. really, its the fuckin' summer tomatoes

    • ThundercatHo

      Do you live anywhere near or have first-hand knowledge of Tillamook? It's one of the places I might want to live when we leave Ohio for the third time. I visited there about 23 yrs ago when I lived in Portland and seem to remember it was awesome.

      • orygoon

        I live in the Valley and personally probably couldn't take living at the coast. I had a co-worker who used to be the head of the community college in Newport, and he said it was windy all the time. Combine that with the cold and the rain–significantly more than we get–and you have to be hardy and comfortable with gray skies and being wet–probably would help if you were a seal or seagull. Thought about Bend? They overbuilt during the boom and have had a housing price dip more than other places here, and it's gorgeous. If I had bucks, I'd buy loads of property there because it will recover and handsomely. Also, sunshine. I'd move over there, but heck, I have a house and two p/t jobs, so it doesn't happen.

        • ThundercatHo

          Thanks for the info. I went on the Bend COC website last night to start my research. Starting to plan our summer vacation to the Pacific NW. We were originally going to do some riding in Wyoming and then visit family in SLC but don't think I could stomach that place this year.

          • orygoon

            If you're anywhere near Bend, go to the Newberry Crater National Monument. Crater Lake is undeniably gorgeous but Newberry is the most overlooked place to camp-n-stuff in Oregon, with many advantages over Crater Lake.

  • OneYieldRegular

    In their defense, the people behind this argued that they had no choice, since there were pesky laws that prevented them from threatening voters and beating them up when they approached the polls.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Yep, there's definitely too much government intervention in our lives.

  • Mr. Smith was "an abrasive specialist."

    That makes him a natural fit as a D.C. politician.

    Vote Smith and Vote Often!!!

    Actually, he sounds like somebody I'd vote for. He was a union man – United Steelworkers of America – and a member of his county's Democratic Party Central Committee.

    • HistoriCat

      Lives with his mom … sounds like he had nothing better to do with his time. I'm glad he's found a hobby.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Does this mean I could start a SuperPAC and get, say, Justices Scalia and Alito elected to Congress without their knowledge or consent? That is, if I had any money?

  • teebob2000

    "… Democrat primary."


  • MosesInvests

    A, O, way to go, Ohio….

  • owhatever

    Non-people are people too, my friends.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    This slut let his bootstraps be pulled up by some unknown strangers!

    He owes a sextape to Rush Limbaugh now.

  • mavenmaven

    The future of American democracy. Vote for the Corporation.

  • Your Wonkette is going to dig into this a little bit, do a lil’ journalism, instead of just speculating on the circumstantial evidence, so give us a moment here. [Watches cat videos for 30 seconds]. We have determined this is obviously Republicans fucking with a Democratic primary.

    Oh thank God, you really had me worried there.

    It's one thing for Becca to ask us to dial down the violence and kid-slander, but if Wonkete started actually doing research on things instead of speculating based on circumstantial evidence, that would really be the final fucking straw.

    • Blendergoathead

      Exactly. And this just has to be a vicious, incredibly-engineered, super-braniac GOP trick, b/c otherwise, the democratic voters in this district who fell for it would have to be total reta…


  • mormos

    The William Smith is a lie

  • mormos

    Somebody turn off the Benny Hill music please!

  • CessnaDriver

    Will(iam) Smith.


    I think someone's being a bit gullible here….

  • Antispandex

    " Sounds like we’ve got another Alvin Greene to play with, people. "

    Hey. What's wrong with that? I love that guy's music. "Tired of being alone", is one of my favorites…..Oh, wait, that was ALBERT Greene……never mind.

  • I_P

    The Unknown Comic is running for Congress? Go figure…

  • anniegetyerfun

    I pray that this is what Colbert has been up to with all that SuperPAC money. Or, Stewart. Whoever is running that thing now.

  • PuglyDoRight

    This is my district…we have no fucking idea who this guy is. Reminds me of the almost-homeless man who won his district in SC. Krikorian not someone I can get excited about, and whoever wins the recount will have to go against a Teabagger who was an army surgeon at Abu Garaib (sp?). Bet he has a few secrets, eh?

    • It looks like Smith is a real Democrat from another part of the state – Stark County.

      U.S. House reps don't have to live in the districts they represent.

  • C_R_Eature

    Hey, at least Ohio's got the town of Hinckley, where every year on March 15th the town is overrun with thousands of enormous dark carrion birds, crouching in the trees or spinning over the streets watching and waiting for something, or someone to die.
    HInckley celebrates this, with a party called "Buzzardfest". You have to like this.

  • OzoneTom

    I guess that I am the only one who thought of Simone (S1mOne)? Was Viktor Taransky in the area?

  • James Michael Curley

    When he filed out his primary candidacy petition he put down his mother's address and phone number.

  • Slim_Pickins

    I guess my James Thurber quote was premature, to reiterate, "You can fool to many of the people too much of the time."

  • Generation[redacted]

    Victory Ohio Super PAC was a classic arena rock band in the '70s, but they don't have much relevance now.

  • HeadsIWin

    wait, i just woke up….where's the link to the cat video?

  • I prefer laughing babies

  • ttommyunger

    Well, you must admit sitting is a box for hours on end smelling your own farts and yakking on the CB is quality experience for one considering a political future.

  • DahBoner

    Smith apparently is a 61 year old trucker

    What is his position on TRUCK NUTZ and MUDFLAP GURLZ?

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