silver bullets

Latest Furious Kindergarten House Debate Ends In… A Passed Jobs Bill?

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Whoa hey what the hell: The House of Representatives, the envelope-pushing absurdist sitcom that ended the laughtrack era, passed a “jobs bill” called the JOBS (an acronym for “who cares”) Bill with bipartisan support and 390 billion votes. Finally, the modest regulatory tweaks to certain small business’ capital formation processes that Americans have been clamoring for all these years. The system works, folks, so how should we celebrate — massive tax cut or sandwich platter party in the conference room? Trick question, there’s no time for celebration. Congressmen are still busy fighting each other as if they were still gridlocked children, over who gets credit for this legislative maintenance that none of them actually give a poop about.

Yesterday’s big “heated moment” in Congress naturally involved old, retiring Barney Frank, who doesn’t care about anything anymore and just goes from congressman to congressman telling them to piss off:

On Wednesday, Frank called out the House GOP leadership for purloining that measure, slapping Quayle’s name on it, and handing him the credit.

Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-TX) — a member of GOP leadership — scolded Frank for getting exercised over the credit rather the policy itself. To which Frank replied, “For the gentleman from Texas, having been part of the leadership that engaged in that shameful maneuver, to now accuse us of being excessively concerned with credit, is the most hypocritical and dishonest statement I have heard uttered in this House.”

That, according to the chair, violated House rules which forbid members from lobbing personal attacks at one another on the floor. And as a result Frank was put in timeout for the rest of the day.

Here are three paragraphs from Roll Call summing up why people hate Congress or at least having to pay attention to it:

But despite the overwhelming bipartisan support, Democrats and Republicans are still tussling over who should get primary credit for the measure.

The Cantor package is made up of six existing bills, some which had Democratic sponsors and had passed the House with heavy Democratic support. A Cantor aide said the Majority Leader had identified small business capital formation as a possible area of bipartisanship in a memo he released in September.

But Senate Democrats see Cantor’s move as a victory for them and an effort to work with Democrats on their initiatives. They note that the capital formation initiatives were part of a White House white paper released in January and chalk up the turn of events to House Republicans failing to win public support for their effort to roll back government regulations.

“They were losing the message [war] so they just bundled together a bunch of bipartisan bills that were independently already in the works,” said a senior Senate Democratic aide, who added that the deregulation bills were seen as ideological measures.

Blah blah blah pfft, just give us our small business free abortion vouchers already.

Sponsored Intermission

[TPM, Roll Call]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    "The Cantor package is made up of six existing bills…"
    I heard it was made up of three inches.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      McCain's nutsack. Cantor's pecker. You know too much about these … um … (checks Rebecca's rules for commenters) … folks.

    • Steverino247

      I heard it was rancid, too.

    • Major Thom

      Sure…if you push the ruler 2 inches into his gut.

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Don't you mean his vagina? (Can I refer to Cantor's vagina?)

        • Major Thom

          I meant 'gunt'. Can I say that??

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Metric system, Barb

    • comrad_darkness

      "The Cantor package is made up of six existing bills…"

      If it walks like half a dozen ducks…
      (this is the kind of stuff that oozes only from a brain that's been forced to behave)

    • SorosBot

      I think you may be giving Can't Or too much credit there.

    • chicken_thief

      I thought "Cantor package" was an oxymoron.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Maybe he could take those six existing bills to the sugar daddy website he heard advertised on rush's show.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "But despite the overwhelming bipartisan support, Democrats and Republicans are still tussling over who should get primary credit for the measure."

    No wonder Ms. Snow decided enough was enough. I thought the way it was done was to just get the damn thing passed and then go back to your District and claim all the credit for it.

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    Hey, why not? Rome wasn't destroyed in a day…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't understand.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I post everything twice!!!

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        I recommended it twice.
        ~

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        You do understand now though, right?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Huh?

      • SorosBot

        I give thumbs up twice – my girlfriend really likes that.

        • MissTaken

          EXCUSE ME?

          • SorosBot

            ;)

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Good job deleting the record when you release it on C-SPAN brainiacs!

  • DaRooster

    What Barney said-
    “For the gentleman from Texas, having been part of the leadership that engaged in that shameful maneuver, to now accuse us of being excessively concerned with credit, is the most hypocritical and dishonest statement I have heard uttered in this House.”

    What they heard-
    "Wah wah gentleman wah Texas wah wah credit wah wah wah House."

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    The Cantor package

    That's it, I don't want to hear anymore about this shite.

    Cantor's barely even a humanoid.
    ~

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should have just named the bill "Kevin."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Why not just "Bill"?

      Alternatively, Sue. A bill named Sue.

      • Generation[redacted]

        It's the meanest, toughest bill you'll ever meet.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    ..as a result Frank was put in timeout for the rest of the day.

    It really is like Kindergarten!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Everybody knows a Quayle Bill doesn't have much in terms of meet or potatoe.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Did you, like I did, ever get the sense that Bush the Younger followed Dan around the White House thinking "I wanna be like him when I sober up"?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I'm pretty sure the only way the Rs would have passed a JOBS bill is if it declared only white people would get them.

  • Oblios_Cap

    the most hypocritical and dishonest statement I have heard uttered in this House.

    I don't believe that. Joe MCarthy, e.g.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Maybe he just meant "during sessions I've personally been present for"–which would still be a stretch.

      But you know, I'll give Rep. Frank plenty of latitude for hyperbole after his "dining room table" remark.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Senator Joe McCarthy? The Senator? In the Senate?

      • Oblios_Cap

        potato, patato. both groups are disingenious assholes.

  • AlterNewt

    "But Senate Democrats see Cantor’s move as a victory for them and an effort to work with Democrats on their initiatives."

    Yes. That is what's going on.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    In fairness, the credit would be for the first fucking jobs bill in two fucking years, thanks a lot, Weaker Boener!

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      A jobs bill, eh.

      How much do we owe?
      ~

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We'll be washing dishes all night!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    That's 4 paragraphs from Roll Call. Please correct.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    There's an old adage in politics: You can accomplish a lot if don't care who gets credit. This remains unproven. But its converse is proven true daily by these self-serving ass hats.

    Can't is part of Cantor's name.

    Perhaps if they'd spent less time debating lady parts laws, the Repubicans would have had a few seconds left to become job creators themselves.

  • Sue4466

    Yay! A jobs bill! So now we can for sure re-elect all these fine public servants because they've proven they really really care about us!

  • DCBloom

    So to recap today's events….

    God wrote the Bill of Rights.
    Pat Robertson endorses weed.

    And over at the Teatard blogs, people are reading the same thing we are and thinking it's just as juvenile as we do.

    Yep, it's the end times

    • Geminisunmars

      Wow, Bloom – your avatar – it has hypnotized me. Where do you want me to send that check?

      • DCBloom

        meh, I'll get around to it someday

  • LiveToServeYa

    Oh, a *Potemkin* Jobs Bill.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Wait just a galdurn minute! These billy things are supposed to take months of bitching and moaning and name calling and fist fights and then, only then, do they NOT pass.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    The Cantor Package

    Worst. Porno. Ever.

    • DCBloom

      FTW

  • Baconzgood

    I find this hard to masterbate too.

  • orygoon

    I was an AF brat who moved a lot, and I don't remember my school classmates very clearly, but for awhile I was classmates with Jeb Hensarling. I was at a school that didn't have students on different "tracks" and my impression was that he was, well, not the r-word, but definitely limited. The fact that he wore a corduroy FFA jacket and sucked on the end of a pencil while looking blankly at the ceiling a lot when things we were supposed to have read were discussed may have had something to do with it. I am pretty sure I wondered if he even could read–and here he is, taking swipes at Barney Frank. This confuses me.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Needs more abortion.

  • chascates

    JOBS (Jumpstart Our Business Startups Act) doesn't actually do anything for jobs, it helps small business raise capital, by which they mean large businesses.

    “Everyone understands that reducing red tape and eliminating barriers is an important part of creating jobs,” the aide said. Which means government oversight will be eliminated to allow businesses to more readily dump waste, avoid labor & safety laws, and manage to pay less taxes.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Did someone say Eric Cantor voted to raise taxes? Okay, nobody said that, but that's still what I heard. Eric Cantor voted to raise taxes. Now I heard it twice!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    For the gentleman from Texas, having been part of the leadership that engaged in that shameful maneuver, to now accuse us of being excessively concerned with credit, is the most hypocritical and dishonest statement I have heard uttered in this House.

    Surely, for a Republican from Texas, that is a high compliment.

  • widestanceromance

    No, the acronym is Jerk Off Bull Shit.

    How long before Frank just cold mashes his Mighty Nipples into these clowns' faces? He's a man with little to lose, he's on his way out, and yes, he's got a man. [sucks teef]

  • Callyson

    Dammit, Barney, don't go now…we need you…

  • proudgrampa

    Sometimes, I just feel like an Unfrozen Caveman…

  • dijetlo

    The Pubs have passed nothing but "jobs" bills since they took over.
    No Abortion + No Berf Control == Moar Blowjobs.
    This is change I can believe in.

    • hagajim

      Only if you can get the gals to go along with it.

      • dijetlo

        A gentleman always reciprocates

  • elviouslyqueer

    House rules which forbid members from lobbing personal attacks at one another on the floor.

    But openly calling the President a liar or an uncontrolled socialist is still fair game, right?

    • WhatTheHeck

      We’ll make a politician out of you yet.

  • pinkocommi

    As long as over 90% of the gains in income go to the wealthiest 1%, the system is working… for somebody, but not for me, you or anyone we know.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    JOBS: Jackasses Orating Bull Shit

    • SkinnyNerd

      Much better than Congress's Jumpstart Our Business Startups. What does that even mean?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I didn't even know what the real name is, but I was sure it is super-lame.No one can say mine isn't accurate.

  • Guppy

    Wake me up when they start caning each other on the House floor.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar Charles Sumner cane beatings.

  • Sassomatic

    Facebook fights among menstruating 15-year-olds display more dignity than this.

  • ttommyunger

    House RepubliKlans are now working on producing a trick pen to slip in front of the President which will actually sign Saint Ronnie's name on the Bill instead of Barry's. Genius!