RACISTLY STRANGE BEDFELLOWS  1:40 pm March 8, 2012

Pat Robertson Calls For Pot Legalization, Ruins Everything

by Liz Colville

"Blessed are the high, for they shall receive mercy."

Pat Robertson, the 81-year-old titan of Goddist bombast, has proven that some boxed sacks of two-buck chuck age well if you can wait eight decades and have nothing else to drink, not even water. Robertson experienced a brief tic of normalcy when he came out of the marijuana closet this week, telling the New York Times in an interview, “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol.” SENILITY. This has prompted a verbal kiss from LEAP, that group of law enforcement peeps that support marijuana legalization: “I love him, man, I really do,” said its executive director Neill Franklin, forgetting everything. How does Pat plan to show his love? Despite an impoverished Caribbean island-sized amount of evidence to the contrary, Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

Robertson expressed that he feels too many young folk are being thrown in jail for holding spliffs in their hands, which only makes life seem more useless and impossible and worth smoking marijuana or crack continually through once they get out of jail some X years (where X=10, sometimes, which is insane!) later. So that’s nice, old man, but where’s the part where you want everybody to be a white, wealthy Christian? Oh:

I believe in working with the hearts of people, and not locking them up.

Robertson recently said that the victims of the tornadoes in the Midwest should have prayed more, so, interesting that he doesn’t think people with chronic pain should just pray the pain away. He evidently knows of the beauty of dope personally.

Miraculously, Robertson’s comments have led Focus on the Family to not say anything for the first time in years. But the generalizations that have wafted out of the behind of Robertson’s newly soaring spirit are verging on the useless and insane:

If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?

“This other substance.” Clearly leaving room to promote prescription heroin later on down the road, once weed stops doing it for him. Then LEAP head Franklin similarly chimed in in defense of Jesus’s laissez-faire ways:

If you follow the teaching of Christ, you know that Christ is a compassionate man. And he would not condone the imprisoning of people for nonviolent offenses.

In that case, jails, please release the following people today:

– Bernard Madoff
– Jeffrey Skilling
– Raj Rajaratnam
– L. Dennis Kozlowski
– Allen Stanford
– And many more! But actually not that many at all! Because the justice system is funny. Jesus wants to “work with the hearts of” billionaire financiers, but when it comes to tornadoes, he just … doesn’t really know what to tell you. [High Times/New York Times]

 
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{ 133 comments }

FNMA March 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Pat Robertson said what?

I really need to lay off the wake and bake.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Now now, he said "treat marijewanna the way we treat alcohol," which is code for PROHIBITION II: THE REVENGE STRIKES BACK!

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Why?

FNMA March 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Dude, I'd appreciate you laying off the gotcha questions.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Yea, man, don't harsh his mellow.

GOPCrusher March 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

He's still an asshole.

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Your move, Tommy Chong.

nounverb911 March 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Cue the "Virgin Mary Jane" jokes.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

When i saw this piece, I immediately starting humming an old Tom Petty song

VaWyo March 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I pray all the time for pot to be legal. Now that Pat is in on it, legalization is on the way!. Yipee!

JustPixelz March 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Yeah, but remember the Conservation of Prayer Law. While he's praying for legal dope, he's NOT praying to prevent a flood in Brownsville. Those drowned puppies will be his fault.

Generation[redacted] March 8, 2012 at 10:40 pm

And by logical extension, all of our fault.

Callyson March 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

When you light that joint it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I want to take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there…

Barb March 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Pat, shouldn't you be reading your bible and cramming for your finals.

Fare la Volpe March 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

NOT THAT WE WANT THAT.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Like, he was, right? But then he got to Ezekiel and had a flashback, man….

dyedwool March 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Is this Pat's not-so-subtle way of asking if someone out there in TV Land could please hook a brotha up?

ThundercatHo March 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Ron Paul, Pat Robertson. . .WTF is going on at the old folk's home nowadays?

nounverb911 March 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Glaucoma?

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Failed sales of his brownie mix?

Fare la Volpe March 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Rampant outbreak of HPV?

smashedinhat March 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Pat just made getting baked hugely uncool.

bikerlaureate March 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

That's all in his antidiabolical plan. Wait unitl you hear his new stance on fornicatin'.

DonnyKerabotsos March 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That fucked up my buzz.

smokefilledroommate March 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

He knows that Jesus got high. And Jesus would want you to get high.

prommie March 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

His will be done. Amen. (which is redundant)

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Amen. Too.

Baconzgood March 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol "

Baconz can't believe he's going to say this but……GREAT IDEA PAT ROBERTSON!!!!

(I feel a little dirty now)

larryfinexx March 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

When is Pat gonna say its OK to touch a gay with a ten foot pole?

widestanceromance March 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

As soon as he gets one?

JustPixelz March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Somebody just got diagnosed with glaucoma or is secretly on chemo. Or recently bought a stairway to heaven.

smokefilledroommate March 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I heard you get to bypass purgatory with those, but man–are they expensive!

SorosBot March 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Is there a bustle in his hedgerow?

Baconzgood March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Pat Robertson is a gateway douche bag.

RadioSlut March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Pat the Pothead.

Mumbletypeg March 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Potato-faced, also.

smokefilledroommate March 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Pot Robertson?

johnedens March 8, 2012 at 5:44 pm

We have a winner!

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

You can tell he's cool, because of the turtleneck. Only hip, hip people wear those.

ThundercatHo March 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I thought the cool kids were wearing sweater vests these days?

a_pink_poodle March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

He said that?

… what do we do now? WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?!

SayItWithWookies March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

It's well known that Jesus was high as a kite most of the time.

Mumbletypeg March 8, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I remember the part about "Come to me all ye who are weary — and I will give you pot."
But since pot makes me sleepified? why, I must adjust this one-size-fits-all Gospel Pat is quoting (as it seems now, exegeting 'compassionate conservative' derivatives is the fashion regarding unjustifiable jailing) — to reinvent the deified Potmaster-General with, "…and I will give you caffeine."
But I'm not sure how well that will go down with our new Mormon president.

SayItWithWookies March 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I'd suggest Mitt try whippets — they're a reasonable alternative and a good thirty-seconds of whackadoodle fun, so they don't interfere with the warfare and taking shit away from the poors and olds.

Clancy_Pants March 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

WWJD if he invested with Madoff?

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Buy the NY Mets?

Slim_Pickins March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The tag 'lifelong dope smoker' could explain a lot.

SorosBot March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

So old Pat thinks it should be OK for people to smoke a bowl – but since he stall wants to outlaw smoking the pipe he's still an asshole.

mormos March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Well Pat, welcome to the dark… something… what was I saying?

Fare la Volpe March 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Ha…hahahahah…dude, you're so baked.

DCBloom March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I am completely conflicted by this whole thing.
I'm just gonna go do a few bong hits and take a nap

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Say, man, you got a joint?"
"No, not on me, man."
"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."

TeaNuts March 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

We should all drive over to his place and …umm….what were we talking about again? Oh yeah… hey look at that shiny thingy there!

MaxNeanderthal March 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

What's he going to do when the munchies strike……?

CountryClubJihadi March 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Get some of that "Black" macaroni & cheese he's heard so much about.

prommie March 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Isn't it strange that all the best munchie foods are orange? Cheetos, Doritos, Cheetos, Mac and Cheese, Doritos, Cheetos. . . .

SayItWithWookies March 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Acorns. Coincidence? I think not.

MoeDeLawn March 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Velveeeeeeeeeta!

Loaded_Pants March 8, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Once saw a baked friend who ate half a block of that stuff like it was a candy bar.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:15 am

Cheeses of Nazareth…

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Dude, really? Communion wafers, man!

GOPCrusher March 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

They're pretty good, as long as you got a can of Cheez-Whiz.

Blueb4sunrise March 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Oh my! That is an interesting turn of events.

Barrelhse March 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Heavens above!

DerrickWildcat March 8, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Robertson expressed that he feels too many young heterosexual white folks are being thrown in jail for holding spliffs in their hands.

SoBeach March 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

That's really the bottom line. When Pat was young Mary Jane was something the coloreds smoked. And they used it to intoxicate, addict, and despoil white women. But nowadays Pat's followers breathe a sigh of relief when they find out their kids are smoking dope. Better that than the hillbilly heroin and crystal meth the white drug dealers are pushing these days.

CogitoErgoBibo March 8, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Wait. I'm agreeing with Pat "9/11 was caused by teh gayz" Robertson? I had no idea today was opposite day. If that's the case, I should obviously be in a bar drinking my dinner, instead of merely screwing around on Wonkette avoiding work.

Loaded_Pants March 8, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I think he just went so far with the crazy, he circled back around to "almost sane".

metamarcisf March 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Pat's been jammin' in the name of the Lord.

Fare la Volpe March 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Awww, jeez.

This is just like when all the grown ups liked Chinpokomon and then it wasn't cool anymore.

SolitaireRose March 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I am looking forward to his next sermon asking if you have looked at the back of your hand. No, I mean REALLY looked at it..

prommie March 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Someone must have crossed the streams.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Sorry, Dude, but I couldn't wait for you to finish and there was plenty of wall in the alley.

Barrelhse March 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Do you think Aldous Huxley got to him?

widestanceromance March 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Has he changed the name to The 280 Club?

(sorry, this one requires math)

CogitoErgoBibo March 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

He should just flat out change it to the 420 Club. [No math!]

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I was gonna respond "420 Club?" but, as you suggested, I did the math. Never mind.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Shouldn't that be "140"?

widestanceromance March 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Shouldn't what be? What?

Dude.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Well like, take 700, right? And….wait, what?

widestanceromance March 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Where am gonna get 700? Of what? Do I carry the 1 and then, um. . .damn.

metamarcisf March 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Comment of the month.

widestanceromance March 8, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Thank you kindly, meta. I've gotten a few WINs but never a COM.

Ducksworthy March 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

And you can get your exclusive End Times Bong from Pat for only $46.95! End Times will blow your MIND!

magic_titty March 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wasn't it none other than Ken Layne who once said "even a broken clock should be thrown in the fucking trash"??

4TheTurnstiles March 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Is this the same guy who claimed circa 1980 that you can prove the Satanicity of KISS albums by playing them backward and hearing the message… "decide to smoke marijuana!"?

Barrelhse March 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Now he says: "you'll have to pry these headphones from my [REDACTED]."

jodyleek March 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So, which one of Pat's grandkids did he have to post bail for? (Is that libelous? I'm just asking a question, man.)

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

All of them, Katie

Barrelhse March 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It's OK- his grandkids are all in their 40's.

Generation[redacted] March 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Great. Now I have to quit smoking weed just to thumb my nose at society.

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I may have to give up pot smoking, just on principle now

Nopantsmcgee March 8, 2012 at 3:30 pm

That's his plan. Don't fall for it.

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

See? You proved my point!

smokefilledroommate March 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Pat with the Golden Arm

Chillatte March 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I guess that answers the frequently asked question "What the fuck is Pat Robertson smoking?"

GOPCrusher March 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Been along time. May have to give Pat a call and see if he can hook me up with some bud.

Nostrildamus March 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I believe in working with the hearts of people…

Who does he think he is? Dick Cheney's personal chef?

BTWBFDIMHO March 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

My Sweet Drug Lord.

Nostrildamus March 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

Of course not. Robertson is simply a crook.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

See!!! This is what happens when you listen to all of those Rock and Roll albums backwards! Satan has won!

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

God Damn Hippies are everywhere!

actor212 March 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

In fairness to Pat, communion wafers are great for the munchies

el_donaldo March 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

When Pat Robertson made that laughable and brief run at the presidency, he campaigned partly on promoting the development of poorer nations by forgiving all their debts completely, based on the medieval Christian practice of Jubilee.

A broken clock is right twice a day. A crazy clock? Never can tell.

orygoon March 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Note to self: buy some stock in snack food companies.

gogogodzilla March 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Sounds like Pat went one toke over the line.

Jus_Wonderin March 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

No, dude, that's sooo funny. Really dude. That cracks me up. Duuuuudddeeee, really, stop. You're hurting me. I'm cryin' here. I got snot coming outta my nose. Dude, stop it. Stop it. Dude, oh, oh, oh, dude….hahahahahahahahha. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuudeee.

Hahahahahaha. If we put a door right there, we could go inside. That is so funny dude.

Doktor Zoom March 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I see. So, then, BONG HITS 4 JESUS, right?

Or is this more JESUS 4 BONG HITS?

bonghitforjesus March 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I knew someone would eventually give me the perfect excuse to make an intense debate account so I could reclaim my old username from the Wonkette that was!
(unfortunately due to user name length rules Jesus only gets one hit.)

smashaduck March 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Is it okay to threaten myself with violence? For agreeing with this fuckwit, that is.

Sharkey March 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

He finally figured out Genesis 1:29 “Behold, I have given you EVERY HERB BEARING SEED, WHICH IS UPON THE FACE OF ALL THE EARTH, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

(For the uninitiated, cannabis is the ONLY herb that has seeds. And can also grow in almost any climate. Cool, huh?)

proudgrampa March 8, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake. This is a pitch for more contributions to his fucking bank account. Fuck him.

metamarcisf March 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Turn me on, dead man.

chascates March 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

He just says that because he knows it keeps the miners in his gold mines working hard and not rioting. http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/pat-robertsons-gold

Doktor Zoom March 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

No comment from Robertson. I wonder why? Khat got your tongue, Pat?

Doktor Zoom March 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

This "LEAP… executive director Neill Franklin" fellow… Is he Freewheelin'?

owhatever March 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Somewhere in this great country, Pat Robertson owns waving fields of marijuana and is trying to open the market before Phillip Morris moves in. The African diamond mines must be running low.

ph7 March 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

It's a slippery slope. Next, we'll have dog on bong.

iburl March 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Free Bradley Manning, as well, he's non-violent type dude, well execpt for being in the military, but that's not violence, that's "fighting terror for the homeland" or something, right?

slowhansolo March 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Will I be more inclined to decide that this makes up for the gay hate if I'm high?

No.

lulzmonger March 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Obvious ploy for younger viewers is obvious.

Be grateful he went with "LEGALIZE IT!" – Pat's "Plan B" was a sex-tape.

Nopantsmcgee March 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Come on. Who's wearing the Pat Robertson costume? Is that you, Sacha Baron Cohen?

James Michael Curley March 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

No way I'm rolling a double and sharing it with that dude.

Barrelhse March 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

"It's me! Pat!"

voodooeconomics March 8, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I like the picture of Pat: "I giveth thee My Yahweh The Middle finger"

malcolmkyle March 8, 2012 at 5:55 pm

There they are! All listing as dead cats,
Far above the huddled masses by the water tower,
The office buildings, and the strip mall
In mourning, the banks overgrown with weed.
And all the prohibitionists of that once lulled and dumbfound town
Are dangling.
– Tylan Dhomas

Thanks Pat!!!

Loaded_Pants March 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

He just said this because John of Patmos smoked some good shit & wrote the Book of Revelation.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 8, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Dude, I'm so high that I ate all the bodies of the Lord.

deanbooth March 8, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Remember that time at a wedding when Christ turned the parsley into weed?

moar_plz March 8, 2012 at 10:39 pm

When I smoke too much weed, I get what I call 'Pat Robertson high'. I say all kinds of crazy shit and I can't finish a sentence without giggling uncontrolably.

tessiee March 9, 2012 at 2:13 am

No wonder he giggles and laughs so much whenever he's on TV.

ttommyunger March 9, 2012 at 9:30 am

"Pat Robertson Calls For Pot" Pat Buchanan calls for Kettle: the circle-jerk is complete.

DahBoner March 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

When is teh Pat Robertson and Cheech & Chong Weed summit?

CAN'T WE ALL GET A BONG?

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