racistly strange bedfellows

Pat Robertson Calls For Pot Legalization, Ruins Everything

"Blessed are the high, for they shall receive mercy."

Pat Robertson, the 81-year-old titan of Goddist bombast, has proven that some boxed sacks of two-buck chuck age well if you can wait eight decades and have nothing else to drink, not even water. Robertson experienced a brief tic of normalcy when he came out of the marijuana closet this week, telling the New York Times in an interview, “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol.” SENILITY. This has prompted a verbal kiss from LEAP, that group of law enforcement peeps that support marijuana legalization: “I love him, man, I really do,” said its executive director Neill Franklin, forgetting everything. How does Pat plan to show his love? Despite an impoverished Caribbean island-sized amount of evidence to the contrary, Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

Robertson expressed that he feels too many young folk are being thrown in jail for holding spliffs in their hands, which only makes life seem more useless and impossible and worth smoking marijuana or crack continually through once they get out of jail some X years (where X=10, sometimes, which is insane!) later. So that’s nice, old man, but where’s the part where you want everybody to be a white, wealthy Christian? Oh:

I believe in working with the hearts of people, and not locking them up.

Robertson recently said that the victims of the tornadoes in the Midwest should have prayed more, so, interesting that he doesn’t think people with chronic pain should just pray the pain away. He evidently knows of the beauty of dope personally.

Miraculously, Robertson’s comments have led Focus on the Family to not say anything for the first time in years. But the generalizations that have wafted out of the behind of Robertson’s newly soaring spirit are verging on the useless and insane:

If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?

“This other substance.” Clearly leaving room to promote prescription heroin later on down the road, once weed stops doing it for him. Then LEAP head Franklin similarly chimed in in defense of Jesus’s laissez-faire ways:

If you follow the teaching of Christ, you know that Christ is a compassionate man. And he would not condone the imprisoning of people for nonviolent offenses.

In that case, jails, please release the following people today:

— Bernard Madoff
— Jeffrey Skilling
— Raj Rajaratnam
— L. Dennis Kozlowski
— Allen Stanford
— And many more! But actually not that many at all! Because the justice system is funny. Jesus wants to “work with the hearts of” billionaire financiers, but when it comes to tornadoes, he just … doesn’t really know what to tell you. [High Times/New York Times]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

Comments

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  • FNMA

    Pat Robertson said what?

    I really need to lay off the wake and bake.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Now now, he said "treat marijewanna the way we treat alcohol," which is code for PROHIBITION II: THE REVENGE STRIKES BACK!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why?

      • FNMA

        Dude, I'd appreciate you laying off the gotcha questions.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Yea, man, don't harsh his mellow.

    • GOPCrusher

      He's still an asshole.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Tommy Chong.

  • nounverb911

    Cue the "Virgin Mary Jane" jokes.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      When i saw this piece, I immediately starting humming an old Tom Petty song

  • VaWyo

    I pray all the time for pot to be legal. Now that Pat is in on it, legalization is on the way!. Yipee!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Yeah, but remember the Conservation of Prayer Law. While he's praying for legal dope, he's NOT praying to prevent a flood in Brownsville. Those drowned puppies will be his fault.

      • Generation[redacted]

        And by logical extension, all of our fault.

  • Callyson

    When you light that joint it's like a little prayer
    I'm down on my knees, I want to take you there
    In the midnight hour I can feel your power
    Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there…

  • Barb

    Pat, shouldn't you be reading your bible and cramming for your finals.

    • Fare la Volpe

      NOT THAT WE WANT THAT.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Like, he was, right? But then he got to Ezekiel and had a flashback, man….

  • dyedwool

    Is this Pat's not-so-subtle way of asking if someone out there in TV Land could please hook a brotha up?

  • ThundercatHo

    Ron Paul, Pat Robertson. . .WTF is going on at the old folk's home nowadays?

    • nounverb911

      Glaucoma?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Failed sales of his brownie mix?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Rampant outbreak of HPV?

  • smashedinhat

    Pat just made getting baked hugely uncool.

    • bikerlaureate

      That's all in his antidiabolical plan. Wait unitl you hear his new stance on fornicatin'.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    That fucked up my buzz.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    He knows that Jesus got high. And Jesus would want you to get high.

    • prommie

      His will be done. Amen. (which is redundant)

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Amen. Too.

  • Baconzgood

    "If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol "

    Baconz can't believe he's going to say this but……GREAT IDEA PAT ROBERTSON!!!!

    (I feel a little dirty now)

  • larryfinexx

    When is Pat gonna say its OK to touch a gay with a ten foot pole?

    • widestanceromance

      As soon as he gets one?

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Somebody just got diagnosed with glaucoma or is secretly on chemo. Or recently bought a stairway to heaven.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I heard you get to bypass purgatory with those, but man–are they expensive!

    • SorosBot

      Is there a bustle in his hedgerow?

  • Baconzgood

    Pat Robertson is a gateway douche bag.

  • RadioSlut

    Pat the Pothead.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Potato-faced, also.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Pot Robertson?

      • johnedens

        We have a winner!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You can tell he's cool, because of the turtleneck. Only hip, hip people wear those.

    • ThundercatHo

      I thought the cool kids were wearing sweater vests these days?

  • a_pink_poodle

    He said that?

    … what do we do now? WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?!

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's well known that Jesus was high as a kite most of the time.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I remember the part about "Come to me all ye who are weary — and I will give you pot."
      But since pot makes me sleepified? why, I must adjust this one-size-fits-all Gospel Pat is quoting (as it seems now, exegeting 'compassionate conservative' derivatives is the fashion regarding unjustifiable jailing) — to reinvent the deified Potmaster-General with, "…and I will give you caffeine."
      But I'm not sure how well that will go down with our new Mormon president.

      • SayItWithWookies

        I'd suggest Mitt try whippets — they're a reasonable alternative and a good thirty-seconds of whackadoodle fun, so they don't interfere with the warfare and taking shit away from the poors and olds.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    WWJD if he invested with Madoff?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Buy the NY Mets?

  • Slim_Pickins

    The tag 'lifelong dope smoker' could explain a lot.

  • SorosBot

    So old Pat thinks it should be OK for people to smoke a bowl – but since he stall wants to outlaw smoking the pipe he's still an asshole.

  • mormos

    Well Pat, welcome to the dark… something… what was I saying?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Ha…hahahahah…dude, you're so baked.

  • DCBloom

    I am completely conflicted by this whole thing.
    I'm just gonna go do a few bong hits and take a nap

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Say, man, you got a joint?"
    "No, not on me, man."
    "It'd be a lot cooler if you did."

  • TeaNuts

    We should all drive over to his place and …umm….what were we talking about again? Oh yeah… hey look at that shiny thingy there!

  • MaxNeanderthal

    What's he going to do when the munchies strike……?

    • CountryClubJihadi

      Get some of that "Black" macaroni & cheese he's heard so much about.

    • prommie

      Isn't it strange that all the best munchie foods are orange? Cheetos, Doritos, Cheetos, Mac and Cheese, Doritos, Cheetos. . . .

      • SayItWithWookies

        Acorns. Coincidence? I think not.

      • MoeDeLawn

        Velveeeeeeeeeta!

        • Loaded_Pants

          Once saw a baked friend who ate half a block of that stuff like it was a candy bar.

      • tessiee

        Cheeses of Nazareth…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dude, really? Communion wafers, man!

      • GOPCrusher

        They're pretty good, as long as you got a can of Cheez-Whiz.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Oh my! That is an interesting turn of events.

    • Barrelhse

      Heavens above!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Robertson expressed that he feels too many young heterosexual white folks are being thrown in jail for holding spliffs in their hands.

    • SoBeach

      That's really the bottom line. When Pat was young Mary Jane was something the coloreds smoked. And they used it to intoxicate, addict, and despoil white women. But nowadays Pat's followers breathe a sigh of relief when they find out their kids are smoking dope. Better that than the hillbilly heroin and crystal meth the white drug dealers are pushing these days.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Wait. I'm agreeing with Pat "9/11 was caused by teh gayz" Robertson? I had no idea today was opposite day. If that's the case, I should obviously be in a bar drinking my dinner, instead of merely screwing around on Wonkette avoiding work.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I think he just went so far with the crazy, he circled back around to "almost sane".

  • metamarcisf

    Pat's been jammin' in the name of the Lord.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Awww, jeez.

    This is just like when all the grown ups liked Chinpokomon and then it wasn't cool anymore.

  • SolitaireRose

    I am looking forward to his next sermon asking if you have looked at the back of your hand. No, I mean REALLY looked at it..

  • prommie

    Someone must have crossed the streams.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Sorry, Dude, but I couldn't wait for you to finish and there was plenty of wall in the alley.

    • Barrelhse

      Do you think Aldous Huxley got to him?

  • widestanceromance

    Has he changed the name to The 280 Club?

    (sorry, this one requires math)

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      He should just flat out change it to the 420 Club. [No math!]

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I was gonna respond "420 Club?" but, as you suggested, I did the math. Never mind.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Shouldn't that be "140"?

      • widestanceromance

        Shouldn't what be? What?

        Dude.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Well like, take 700, right? And….wait, what?

          • widestanceromance

            Where am gonna get 700? Of what? Do I carry the 1 and then, um. . .damn.

    • metamarcisf

      Comment of the month.

      • widestanceromance

        Thank you kindly, meta. I've gotten a few WINs but never a COM.

  • Ducksworthy

    And you can get your exclusive End Times Bong from Pat for only $46.95! End Times will blow your MIND!

  • magic_titty

    Wasn't it none other than Ken Layne who once said "even a broken clock should be thrown in the fucking trash"??

  • http://www.counterpunch.org 4TheTurnstiles

    Is this the same guy who claimed circa 1980 that you can prove the Satanicity of KISS albums by playing them backward and hearing the message… "decide to smoke marijuana!"?

    • Barrelhse

      Now he says: "you'll have to pry these headphones from my [REDACTED]."

  • jodyleek

    So, which one of Pat's grandkids did he have to post bail for? (Is that libelous? I'm just asking a question, man.)

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      All of them, Katie

    • Barrelhse

      It's OK- his grandkids are all in their 40's.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Great. Now I have to quit smoking weed just to thumb my nose at society.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I may have to give up pot smoking, just on principle now

    • Nopantsmcgee

      That's his plan. Don't fall for it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    See? You proved my point!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Pat with the Golden Arm

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillatte

    I guess that answers the frequently asked question "What the fuck is Pat Robertson smoking?"

    • GOPCrusher

      Been along time. May have to give Pat a call and see if he can hook me up with some bud.

  • Nostrildamus

    I believe in working with the hearts of people…

    Who does he think he is? Dick Cheney's personal chef?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    My Sweet Drug Lord.

  • Nostrildamus

    Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

    Of course not. Robertson is simply a crook.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    See!!! This is what happens when you listen to all of those Rock and Roll albums backwards! Satan has won!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    God Damn Hippies are everywhere!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    In fairness to Pat, communion wafers are great for the munchies

  • el_donaldo

    When Pat Robertson made that laughable and brief run at the presidency, he campaigned partly on promoting the development of poorer nations by forgiving all their debts completely, based on the medieval Christian practice of Jubilee.

    A broken clock is right twice a day. A crazy clock? Never can tell.

  • orygoon

    Note to self: buy some stock in snack food companies.

  • gogogodzilla

    Sounds like Pat went one toke over the line.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    No, dude, that's sooo funny. Really dude. That cracks me up. Duuuuudddeeee, really, stop. You're hurting me. I'm cryin' here. I got snot coming outta my nose. Dude, stop it. Stop it. Dude, oh, oh, oh, dude….hahahahahahahahha. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuudeee.

    Hahahahahaha. If we put a door right there, we could go inside. That is so funny dude.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I see. So, then, BONG HITS 4 JESUS, right?

    Or is this more JESUS 4 BONG HITS?

    • bonghitforjesus

      I knew someone would eventually give me the perfect excuse to make an intense debate account so I could reclaim my old username from the Wonkette that was!
      (unfortunately due to user name length rules Jesus only gets one hit.)

  • smashaduck

    Is it okay to threaten myself with violence? For agreeing with this fuckwit, that is.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    He finally figured out Genesis 1:29 “Behold, I have given you EVERY HERB BEARING SEED, WHICH IS UPON THE FACE OF ALL THE EARTH, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

    (For the uninitiated, cannabis is the ONLY herb that has seeds. And can also grow in almost any climate. Cool, huh?)

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, for fuck's sake. This is a pitch for more contributions to his fucking bank account. Fuck him.

  • metamarcisf

    Turn me on, dead man.

  • chascates

    He just says that because he knows it keeps the miners in his gold mines working hard and not rioting. http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/pat-robertsons-gold

    • Doktor Zoom

      No comment from Robertson. I wonder why? Khat got your tongue, Pat?

  • Doktor Zoom

    This "LEAP… executive director Neill Franklin" fellow… Is he Freewheelin'?

  • owhatever

    Somewhere in this great country, Pat Robertson owns waving fields of marijuana and is trying to open the market before Phillip Morris moves in. The African diamond mines must be running low.

  • ph7

    It's a slippery slope. Next, we'll have dog on bong.

  • iburl

    Free Bradley Manning, as well, he's non-violent type dude, well execpt for being in the military, but that's not violence, that's "fighting terror for the homeland" or something, right?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Will I be more inclined to decide that this makes up for the gay hate if I'm high?

    No.

  • lulzmonger

    Obvious ploy for younger viewers is obvious.

    Be grateful he went with "LEGALIZE IT!" – Pat's "Plan B" was a sex-tape.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Come on. Who's wearing the Pat Robertson costume? Is that you, Sacha Baron Cohen?

  • James Michael Curley

    No way I'm rolling a double and sharing it with that dude.

  • Barrelhse

    "It's me! Pat!"

  • voodooeconomics

    I like the picture of Pat: "I giveth thee My Yahweh The Middle finger"

  • malcolmkyle

    There they are! All listing as dead cats,
    Far above the huddled masses by the water tower,
    The office buildings, and the strip mall
    In mourning, the banks overgrown with weed.
    And all the prohibitionists of that once lulled and dumbfound town
    Are dangling.
    – Tylan Dhomas

    Thanks Pat!!!

  • Loaded_Pants

    He just said this because John of Patmos smoked some good shit & wrote the Book of Revelation.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Dude, I'm so high that I ate all the bodies of the Lord.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Remember that time at a wedding when Christ turned the parsley into weed?

  • moar_plz

    When I smoke too much weed, I get what I call 'Pat Robertson high'. I say all kinds of crazy shit and I can't finish a sentence without giggling uncontrolably.

  • tessiee

    No wonder he giggles and laughs so much whenever he's on TV.

  • ttommyunger

    "Pat Robertson Calls For Pot" Pat Buchanan calls for Kettle: the circle-jerk is complete.

  • DahBoner

    When is teh Pat Robertson and Cheech & Chong Weed summit?

    CAN'T WE ALL GET A BONG?