racistly strange bedfellows

Pat Robertson Calls For Pot Legalization, Ruins Everything

"Blessed are the high, for they shall receive mercy."

Pat Robertson, the 81-year-old titan of Goddist bombast, has proven that some boxed sacks of two-buck chuck age well if you can wait eight decades and have nothing else to drink, not even water. Robertson experienced a brief tic of normalcy when he came out of the marijuana closet this week, telling the New York Times in an interview, “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol.” SENILITY. This has prompted a verbal kiss from LEAP, that group of law enforcement peeps that support marijuana legalization: “I love him, man, I really do,” said its executive director Neill Franklin, forgetting everything. How does Pat plan to show his love? Despite an impoverished Caribbean island-sized amount of evidence to the contrary, Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

Robertson expressed that he feels too many young folk are being thrown in jail for holding spliffs in their hands, which only makes life seem more useless and impossible and worth smoking marijuana or crack continually through once they get out of jail some X years (where X=10, sometimes, which is insane!) later. So that’s nice, old man, but where’s the part where you want everybody to be a white, wealthy Christian? Oh:

I believe in working with the hearts of people, and not locking them up.

Robertson recently said that the victims of the tornadoes in the Midwest should have prayed more, so, interesting that he doesn’t think people with chronic pain should just pray the pain away. He evidently knows of the beauty of dope personally.

Miraculously, Robertson’s comments have led Focus on the Family to not say anything for the first time in years. But the generalizations that have wafted out of the behind of Robertson’s newly soaring spirit are verging on the useless and insane:

If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?

“This other substance.” Clearly leaving room to promote prescription heroin later on down the road, once weed stops doing it for him. Then LEAP head Franklin similarly chimed in in defense of Jesus’s laissez-faire ways:

If you follow the teaching of Christ, you know that Christ is a compassionate man. And he would not condone the imprisoning of people for nonviolent offenses.

In that case, jails, please release the following people today:

— Bernard Madoff
— Jeffrey Skilling
— Raj Rajaratnam
— L. Dennis Kozlowski
— Allen Stanford
— And many more! But actually not that many at all! Because the justice system is funny. Jesus wants to “work with the hearts of” billionaire financiers, but when it comes to tornadoes, he just … doesn’t really know what to tell you. [High Times/New York Times]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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  1. VaWyo

    I pray all the time for pot to be legal. Now that Pat is in on it, legalization is on the way!. Yipee!

    1. JustPixelz

      Yeah, but remember the Conservation of Prayer Law. While he's praying for legal dope, he's NOT praying to prevent a flood in Brownsville. Those drowned puppies will be his fault.

  2. Callyson

    When you light that joint it's like a little prayer
    I'm down on my knees, I want to take you there
    In the midnight hour I can feel your power
    Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there…

  3. dyedwool

    Is this Pat's not-so-subtle way of asking if someone out there in TV Land could please hook a brotha up?

    1. bikerlaureate

      That's all in his antidiabolical plan. Wait unitl you hear his new stance on fornicatin'.

  4. Baconzgood

    "If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol "

    Baconz can't believe he's going to say this but……GREAT IDEA PAT ROBERTSON!!!!

    (I feel a little dirty now)

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    You can tell he's cool, because of the turtleneck. Only hip, hip people wear those.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I remember the part about "Come to me all ye who are weary — and I will give you pot."
      But since pot makes me sleepified? why, I must adjust this one-size-fits-all Gospel Pat is quoting (as it seems now, exegeting 'compassionate conservative' derivatives is the fashion regarding unjustifiable jailing) — to reinvent the deified Potmaster-General with, "…and I will give you caffeine."
      But I'm not sure how well that will go down with our new Mormon president.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I'd suggest Mitt try whippets — they're a reasonable alternative and a good thirty-seconds of whackadoodle fun, so they don't interfere with the warfare and taking shit away from the poors and olds.

  6. SorosBot

    So old Pat thinks it should be OK for people to smoke a bowl – but since he stall wants to outlaw smoking the pipe he's still an asshole.

  7. DCBloom

    I am completely conflicted by this whole thing.
    I'm just gonna go do a few bong hits and take a nap

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "Say, man, you got a joint?"
    "No, not on me, man."
    "It'd be a lot cooler if you did."

  9. TeaNuts

    We should all drive over to his place and …umm….what were we talking about again? Oh yeah… hey look at that shiny thingy there!

    1. prommie

      Isn't it strange that all the best munchie foods are orange? Cheetos, Doritos, Cheetos, Mac and Cheese, Doritos, Cheetos. . . .

        1. Loaded_Pants

          Once saw a baked friend who ate half a block of that stuff like it was a candy bar.

    1. SoBeach

      That's really the bottom line. When Pat was young Mary Jane was something the coloreds smoked. And they used it to intoxicate, addict, and despoil white women. But nowadays Pat's followers breathe a sigh of relief when they find out their kids are smoking dope. Better that than the hillbilly heroin and crystal meth the white drug dealers are pushing these days.

  10. CogitoErgoBibo

    Wait. I'm agreeing with Pat "9/11 was caused by teh gayz" Robertson? I had no idea today was opposite day. If that's the case, I should obviously be in a bar drinking my dinner, instead of merely screwing around on Wonkette avoiding work.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I think he just went so far with the crazy, he circled back around to "almost sane".

  11. Fare la Volpe

    Awww, jeez.

    This is just like when all the grown ups liked Chinpokomon and then it wasn't cool anymore.

  12. SolitaireRose

    I am looking forward to his next sermon asking if you have looked at the back of your hand. No, I mean REALLY looked at it..

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I was gonna respond "420 Club?" but, as you suggested, I did the math. Never mind.

  13. Ducksworthy

    And you can get your exclusive End Times Bong from Pat for only $46.95! End Times will blow your MIND!

  14. magic_titty

    Wasn't it none other than Ken Layne who once said "even a broken clock should be thrown in the fucking trash"??

  15. 4TheTurnstiles

    Is this the same guy who claimed circa 1980 that you can prove the Satanicity of KISS albums by playing them backward and hearing the message… "decide to smoke marijuana!"?

  16. jodyleek

    So, which one of Pat's grandkids did he have to post bail for? (Is that libelous? I'm just asking a question, man.)

    1. GOPCrusher

      Been along time. May have to give Pat a call and see if he can hook me up with some bud.

  17. Nostrildamus

    I believe in working with the hearts of people…

    Who does he think he is? Dick Cheney's personal chef?

  18. Nostrildamus

    Robertson wants to warn everybody that he is “not a crusader.”

    Of course not. Robertson is simply a crook.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    See!!! This is what happens when you listen to all of those Rock and Roll albums backwards! Satan has won!

  20. el_donaldo

    When Pat Robertson made that laughable and brief run at the presidency, he campaigned partly on promoting the development of poorer nations by forgiving all their debts completely, based on the medieval Christian practice of Jubilee.

    A broken clock is right twice a day. A crazy clock? Never can tell.

  21. Jus_Wonderin

    No, dude, that's sooo funny. Really dude. That cracks me up. Duuuuudddeeee, really, stop. You're hurting me. I'm cryin' here. I got snot coming outta my nose. Dude, stop it. Stop it. Dude, oh, oh, oh, dude….hahahahahahahahha. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuudeee.

    Hahahahahaha. If we put a door right there, we could go inside. That is so funny dude.

    1. bonghitforjesus

      I knew someone would eventually give me the perfect excuse to make an intense debate account so I could reclaim my old username from the Wonkette that was!
      (unfortunately due to user name length rules Jesus only gets one hit.)

  22. smashaduck

    Is it okay to threaten myself with violence? For agreeing with this fuckwit, that is.

  23. Sharkey

    He finally figured out Genesis 1:29 “Behold, I have given you EVERY HERB BEARING SEED, WHICH IS UPON THE FACE OF ALL THE EARTH, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

    (For the uninitiated, cannabis is the ONLY herb that has seeds. And can also grow in almost any climate. Cool, huh?)

  24. proudgrampa

    Oh, for fuck's sake. This is a pitch for more contributions to his fucking bank account. Fuck him.

  25. owhatever

    Somewhere in this great country, Pat Robertson owns waving fields of marijuana and is trying to open the market before Phillip Morris moves in. The African diamond mines must be running low.

  26. iburl

    Free Bradley Manning, as well, he's non-violent type dude, well execpt for being in the military, but that's not violence, that's "fighting terror for the homeland" or something, right?

  27. lulzmonger

    Obvious ploy for younger viewers is obvious.

    Be grateful he went with "LEGALIZE IT!" – Pat's "Plan B" was a sex-tape.

  28. Nopantsmcgee

    Come on. Who's wearing the Pat Robertson costume? Is that you, Sacha Baron Cohen?

  29. malcolmkyle

    There they are! All listing as dead cats,
    Far above the huddled masses by the water tower,
    The office buildings, and the strip mall
    In mourning, the banks overgrown with weed.
    And all the prohibitionists of that once lulled and dumbfound town
    Are dangling.
    – Tylan Dhomas

    Thanks Pat!!!

  30. Loaded_Pants

    He just said this because John of Patmos smoked some good shit & wrote the Book of Revelation.

  31. moar_plz

    When I smoke too much weed, I get what I call 'Pat Robertson high'. I say all kinds of crazy shit and I can't finish a sentence without giggling uncontrolably.

  32. ttommyunger

    "Pat Robertson Calls For Pot" Pat Buchanan calls for Kettle: the circle-jerk is complete.

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