As we all know from our repeated viewings of Guarding Tess, the documentary about Secret Service agent Nicolas Cage and mad-bitch old First Lady Shirley MacLaine, First Ladies are cold, needy nightmares and Secret Service agents are longsuffering studs who have not yet lost their hair and metamorphosized to ghost wizards. As we also also know, Secret Service agents and First Ladies hate each other like Wonkers hate rules! So what have you got for us, “self-published” former agent Dan Emmett? Something good, right? Condoms on the “holiday bushes” and lesbian MURDER, yes? Bring it, Washington Examiner, we are All Ears!
On the first lady, he describes her as aloof, someone who didn’t say “thank you” to agents while the president and former first daughter Chelsea typically did. He told Secrets, “she was not as out-going or cordial.”
Well. Er. Hrrm. Your editrix admits to feeling a small bit let down — the same sad deflation she feels after seeing the actual product of whatever Ghost Andrew Breitbart has relentlessly puffed.
But surely you’ve got something, Dan Emmett! ANYTHING!
In another, he wrote of a female staffer who wouldn’t listen to Emmett’s security advice. “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing,” he wrote. “My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything.”
We get it! So Hillary never said thank you to you, specifically, because she hates you for being a rigid patriarchal full-sexxxist DICK.
A call to your editrix’s personal acquaintance, Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, whom she met one nice Texas day outsidea Crawford, was not returned in the four minutes she spent preparing this post. [Washington Examiner]
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Hillary looks like she's putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful, 10 more pounds and Bill is going to start hitting on her.
Do you just sit around and think of that shit and then unfurl at the appropriate post, snarkstress?
It gives me something to do between Zuma's Revenge rounds.
Try Konsyl. The natural fibre helps keep you regular
I pity the poor agents that have to take care of Newt.
He makes them pull janitor duty too.
"Pull janitor duty."
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
The size of his anti-harpoon detail alone must be staggering.
Can you imagine what trips to Japan would be like? Just so dangerous.
Sea Shepherds must be feeling so conflicted.
Clean-up in stall 3….
They'd have to guard him as well as the First, Second, Third and Fourth Lady!
There was an email that used to make the rounds revealing how the Clintons made the Secret Service do menial chores (laundry, pulling carts around?) and contrasted Friendly President Bush who it claimed cooked a barbeque for the agents as soon as he was at his ranch.
Or when the SS agents would pour his drunken daughters and their idiot friends into the Black Suburban SUVs to take them home?
While reading "Bin Laden Determined To Baste US."
Jock sniffers adore macho cops.
President Bush? Never heard of him.
(It will be interesting to see where he gets placed on the Republican convention speaking list. They can't just leave him out altogether, or exile him to speaking at early Sunday morning prayer breakfast, can they?)
They could put him in charge of the BBQ.
I don't know…I think they created a hurricane last go around just to keep him from speaking at their convention.
"Hand me that intelligence report, I need something to start the charcoal."
That cunt!
I've never seen that word before, either here or on the internets. Is that some sort of urban-slang thing for rude or cold and impersonal person?
Enjoy your banning, Gully.
This cunt has been removed because rules.
Speaking of cigars, Rush Limbaugh reminds me of an action movie star when he smokes one. Yes Lassie. Taking a shit.
You're confusing Lassie with Rin Sin Sin, but otherwise, agreed.
One of the best lines of all times!
Are the agents required to change the batteries in the Mittbot 9000?
Mittbot 9000 is powered by the blood of the poor.
I thought it was the energy generated by rapid flip-flopping.
Wait, what? Hillary got a tattoo?
No, the SS douche told her she couldn't get one, or a nipple piercing either, apparently.
I'm hoping President Newt goes for the full body modification, like that dude on the Discovery Channel who tried to turn himself into a cat.
Tramp stamp.
Ice princess is icy. At least, to the help.
Heavily edited videos or it didn't happen.
Oh dear. How rude and inappropriate for a first lady. Rather reminiscent of a female dog.
Lassie?
Ann Coulter? or The Bitch.
Yes. Quite. * adjusts monocle *
So… she acted like Nancy Reagan? Tell me again, this is news… why?
Next thing you know, they'll reveal that Obama once hugged one of his law school professors.
Get out of here.
"And Emmett, when the phone rings at 3 am, take a message"
Aw! The big he-man didn't get thanked enough by the mean lady.
Shitting on the Hilsbot is so 2008
So we're supposed to care that Hillary was less outgoing than Bill? Do they really want that sex tape that badly?
Who woulda thought that Hilary could be a
bitch… um… un-nice?Hey, WAIT A MINUTE! Investigative Journalist Ronald Kessler wrote a book too <a href="http://(http://www.ronaldkessler.com/newbook.html)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.ronaldkessler.com/newbook.html) and claims:
• Because of objections by the wife of Michael Chertoff, the secretary of Homeland Security, the Secret Service stopped performing checks on workers cleaning the Chertoffs’ home, even though agents knew that many of the workers were illegal immigrants.
• Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary, who was guarded by the Secret Service along with her baby, demanded that the Secret Service shuttle her friends to restaurants. When her detail leader objected, she had the agent removed.
• At a Halloween party, Jenna Bush’s now husband Henry Hager became so inebriated that the Secret Service wound up taking him to Georgetown University Hospital. Another time, he became drunk with Jenna in a Georgetown bar and picked a fight with several other patrons. The Secret Service had to intervene to avoid a brawl.
• In contrast to John McCain, Barack Obama—codenamed Renegade—and Michelle Obama—codenamed Renaissance—treat agents with consideration and respect. Contrary to Obama’s repeated claims that he is giving up smoking, he has continued to smoke regularly.
"Contrary to Obama’s repeated claims that he is giving up smoking, he has continued to smoke regularly."
I never doubted it.
The day the story breaks that Michelle, on the other hand, is caught taking a drag or two, is what I wait for with baited *cough* breath..
Imagine the pressure of being Leader of the Free World and not being able to smoke a cigarette! Bush had Jesus (and delusions), Clinton had Monica (and God knows who else), George H.W. Bush had fishing in Kenebunkport, and Reagan had Bonzo.
Clinton was definitely smokin'. Definitely….
Did he smoke THE cigar?
"I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue." -William Howard Taft
So, Hillary obviously didn't beat blind obedience into the snot-nosed, young female staffers nearly enough if they wouldn't follow Emmett's advice. Bill tried. God knows, Bill tried and tried, with mixed, spotty results.
Bill was always giving the female staffers a good dressing down….that dog…
His reply to 'thank you' would be 'just doin' mah job, Ma'am', so she just cut out all the useless dialog shit.
Take a bullet for me then we'll talk until then be a dear peel me another grape.
My Shepherd Will Supply my Need
Apparently, George's SS didn't consider shoes dangerous weapons…
True story:
We lived in the same town as the Clintons, and the Secret Service dudes said that they were the friendliest and most accessible ex-Pres.and First Lady ever.
(Just sayin'…)
Bill was just pallin' around with them so they'd take him to get french fries and BBQ!
Well, that just goes to show how terrified for their lives the Secret Service agents were.
Yep, a friend of mine has a friend who is married to someone on Barry's detail and he says that the Obamas and their kids are so polite and nice and Hilary and Bill were also lovely, Old Lady Barbara Bush was a screaming bitch apparently-no surprise there.
Okay, but what about that movie where the first daughter slips away and falls for some British guy? It was on cable the other night.
Anything involving Anne Hathaway?
Of course Hillary wasn't nice to the Secret Service guys — weren't they the ones who were allegedly always piling Bill into the trunk of a car so he could run out to hotels and fuck loose women? Or is this a case of one pack of baseless slander conflicting with another case of baseless slander but since they're both on the same side the reader should ignore the inconsistencies?
You mean Hillary didn't say "Thank You!" to the agents who quietly stood by while her husband was getting his dick sucked off by an intern while at work? Shocking!
Hey, who wouldn't want to watch the President get his dick sucked in the Oval Office?
The President's wife?
…assuming of course she's NOT the one sucking his dick.
Well, at least he is not showing any evidence of the old paternalistic ideals of male superiority.
Nope, nor is he treating grown women like children who he has to talk down to and always knows better than, because he has a penis.
Wow. The rumors are true. With a post like that, it's clear that this site has officially gotten its lame on. Sic transit Gloria, Gumby.
We weren't supposed to get a Sic Transit Gloria post until Monday.
By insulting the physically challenged with that "lame" remark, you are hereby banned for life! [spit!]
Whoa, where have you been hiding, skoalrebel? First Crank Tango comes outta hibernation and now you.
Downton Abbey?
That was a Turkish diplomat.
My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything.
But enough about Bristol.
SHE'S LEGAL. I CAN SAY IT.
Hey, if Bristol follows through with her idea to help sister Willow open a beauty salon we can set up a flash mob to hit the place on opening day!
But Wasilla probably doesn't have the people to do that. Maybe we can trade fast food tokens for volunteers?
Scathing, darling. So much so that I must retire to my fainting couch, inhale my smelling salts, and dab my fevered brow.
Man hater!
What, did they say she had female agents, too?
Just wait until Sarah gets there.
She's cordial enough.
Ahem. The correct term is "Wonketteers."
Where's Jimmy Dodd and Annette Funicello?
Agreed. If someone calls you a Wonker, you're doing it wrong.
I prefer "Wonktards."
Wonkunts.
I vote for "Wonketteriat"
Wonkeratti is also acceptable, as is Wonkettariat. BTW, loved your line about "Monty Python Tourette's"-I'm stealing that one, OK?
Did I say that? I must be drinking more heavily than usual to say something funny and then forget it completely.
YOU ARE ALL WONKERS NOW.
I, for one, welcome whatever epithets our new Editrix cares to fling my way.
The way Hillary has been pilloried, can't blame her for being a bit aloof.
So, is there a blog yet where we can post fanfic?
btw good thing Chad Feldheimer didn't get his hands on this before it was published.
Are we still bitching about the new commenting rules, or has that jumped the shark already? TruckNutz?
People and things jump me all the time. Live and learn.
Jumping the shark has jumped the shark; the Great Gazoo is the new shark-jump.
His takedown on the "female staffer" was tl;dr. Just say she was a spoiled brat and get on to the good part, Emmett!… … Still waiting…
Needs more misogyny though.
Newell's back?
Yes. And they found the long lost ban hammer.
I had heard WoW was offering free weapon power-ups to keep players from deserting.
Does anyone have a clue what the fuck “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing” is supposed to mean? Besides being condescending and infantizing, it just makes no sense.
Major latent daddy issues with a minor in misogyny?
It was "self-published," so maybe it didn't have to get past an "editor?"
I see a Bulwer-Lytton Award in someone's future!
I think he got that passage mixed up with the teenage erotica he was writing.
Mmmm, erotic teen girls…
Well, he's belaboring the point a bit, but I think he wants to point out that properly raised young ladies know how to take orders from male authority figures, as we all know, right?
“Most of these youngsters were from wealthy families, and many viewed Secret Services agents as the hired help,”
So, obnoxious, pampered rich kids in high-level government positions are obnoxious and pampered. This is worth a book? And this post is the most provacative and stimulating one I've commented on since Tim Pawlenty announczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So, what are the Secret Service if not hired help? I'm not saying they are not valued or are not performing a necessary and potentially dangerous service. That's what they're hired for.
You know who else didn't say thank you?
Seamus?
The insufficiently grateful residents of Sodom and Gomorrah?
Those ungrateful citizens of Iraq?
Won't even buy our rice at inflated prices! The nerve of some people!
Where are the flowers??
Goofus?
Pig Won't!
Get this man a newspaper etiquette column gig!
Most of these jokers who serve in the Secret Service are Republicans, so, of course, they will say lousy stuff about Democrats but won't say anything bad about their own. Assholes! They should be forced to serve the nitwits from their own party and have to do all the slave work and then we'll see how they'll look upon their halcyon days dealing with the Dems.
Whitney, should've kept Costner on board,he may have derailed the Blow Train!
These are weird blog posts! I came here for tips on childcare and how to keep my husband happy and all I am seeing is a lot of filthy words and unfunny jokes!
how to keep my husband happy
Did you miss all the posts about teh buttsechs? C'mon honey, keep up!
And those brazillions of comments telling Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum how they should be raising their children?
The new Overlords banned the funny jokes.
When did we become Wonkers? There is so much change happening around here I'm getting vertigo.
Imagine Hillary not being outgoing with a condescending prick (allegedly). Shocking!
Clearly, her father never taught her manners.
The Secret Service needs to start hiring real men.
Meh.
My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything
You need this guy to help write the new Wonkette Rulz of Bloggin Etikett 'n Stuff. That is if Miss Manners isn't available.
in my ongoing commentary on key developments in the land of subscriber television, i will merely point out that i cannot WAIT to see shirley macLaine take on maggie smith.
this will give meaning to my small sad life.
Should be a "one-liner" fest!
And the costumes will be pretty, too!
Hillary just seemed so distant after her tour in Bosnia.
In another, he wrote of a female staffer who wouldn’t listen to Emmett’s security advice. “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing,”
hahahahaha as if hillz would get a tattoo.
oh, wait, maybe he's talking about bill?
I met Hillary and she was nice to me. I also met Bill and he's very short.
You know, this kind of reactionary propaganda must be countered by the intellectual elite, else the proletariat will never develop the class-consciousness necessary to bring about the glorious workers' revolution. But remember, comrades, in our ceaseless struggle to overthrow the capitalist oppressors, we must not victimize the defenseless or speak of harm or injury occurring to the running dog lackeys and capitalist tools. As comrade Obama said in the coded transmission Tuesday, the secrecy of our conspiracy is of paramount importance.
Hi Secret Service Spokesperson, it's me Editrix can I get a comment on Hilary not being nice. Call me back, PLEASE. THANK YOU.
You did say, "please" and "thank you" didn't you?
And maybe a YOUBETCHA thrown in for good measure?
"As we also also know, Secret Service agents and First Ladies hate each other like Wonkers hate rules!"
We saw what you did there, Rebecca!
She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing.
This guy must have a Ph.D. in body language if he's able to extract that much backstory from a single look.
I'm still getting used to the new rules, can I call this guy a pompous asshole? To the best of my knowledge, he is neither a child or developmentally challenged. Allegedly.
"I know things about people, Lily"
"longsuffering studs…" Having worked with the SS (and their uniformed Branch, EPS) I would make a different characterization: bored shitless functional alcoholics. Just sayin'…
That totally makes sense to me. 99.999% of the time, they do nothing but sit or stand around. Don't understand how anyone could make a career of that.
Got to be tough working and training for twenty or thirty years for something that never happens. They do have other duties, branches, etc. (counterfeiting, credit card fraud, etc.), but the Protection Services-tough duty…
Funny stuff, Rebecca.
There's a word for ladies who don't sweetly thank every man anywhere around them for putting up with their inexplicable existence every second of every day, especially once they've lost their looks, but I think it's banned by the commenting rules.
Happy International Women's Day! You're welcome.
Hey, Agent Emmet, what part of "Secret" Service don't you understand? On behalf of the Secretary of State and former First Lady, who is smarter and cooler than you will ever be, we Wonketeers send a huge THANK YOU, AGENT EMMET for doing the job you were trained and paid to do at taxpayer expense. Now slink away and shut the fuck up.
This SS agent sounds unhappy!
I'll bet he wears jeans:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/03/1203…
Here is an excerpt from the book, courtesty of Secret Publishing, which published the book under its Government Tales division:
"Althought Hillary didn't say 'thank you' that often, she was constantly amused by various defiant sexual practices. She constantly talked openly to us about Cleveland steamers, blue plate specials, teabagging, felching and Dirty Sanchezes. We always enjoyed these discussions–especially when she told us about the times she tried some of these practices with Bill and George and Al."
I don’t know this guy and will never read his book, but I already hate him. He’s the same douche you hooked up with in a drunken, lonely lapse of judgment your freshman year in college who’s still telling everyone he bagged you at the reunion.
We are all dying to know, did you get the part of incontinent lady 3rd from the left?
It was hilarious, supposed to be “real” so they couldn't audition in LA, due to the Botox etc, they had a bunch of women , all over 40, talking about our dry vaginas, hair on the face, hot flashes and wetting yourself in public, all lovely symptoms of Perimenopause.
You know it's bad when Regnery passes…
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