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Mad bitchez, yo.As we all know from our repeated viewings of Guarding Tess, the documentary about Secret Service agent Nicolas Cage and mad-bitch old First Lady Shirley MacLaine, First Ladies are cold, needy nightmares and Secret Service agents are longsuffering studs who have not yet lost their hair and metamorphosized to ghost wizards. As we also also know, Secret Service agents and First Ladies hate each other like Wonkers hate rules! So what have you got for us, “self-published” former agent Dan Emmett? Something good, right? Condoms on the “holiday bushes” and lesbian MURDER, yes? Bring it, Washington Examiner, we are All Ears!

On the first lady, he describes her as aloof, someone who didn’t say “thank you” to agents while the president and former first daughter Chelsea typically did. He told Secrets, “she was not as out-going or cordial.”

Well. Er. Hrrm. Your editrix admits to feeling a small bit let down — the same sad deflation she feels after seeing the actual product of whatever Ghost Andrew Breitbart has relentlessly puffed.

But surely you’ve got something, Dan Emmett! ANYTHING!

In another, he wrote of a female staffer who wouldn’t listen to Emmett’s security advice. “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing,” he wrote. “My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything.”

We get it! So Hillary never said thank you to you, specifically, because she hates you for being a rigid patriarchal full-sexxxist DICK.

A call to your editrix’s personal acquaintance, Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, whom she met one nice Texas day outsidea Crawford, was not returned in the four minutes she spent preparing this post. [Washington Examiner]

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