kiss and tell

Secret Service Agent Tell-All! Hillary Clinton Didn’t Say ‘Thanks’ That Much!

Mad bitchez, yo.As we all know from our repeated viewings of Guarding Tess, the documentary about Secret Service agent Nicolas Cage and mad-bitch old First Lady Shirley MacLaine, First Ladies are cold, needy nightmares and Secret Service agents are longsuffering studs who have not yet lost their hair and metamorphosized to ghost wizards. As we also also know, Secret Service agents and First Ladies hate each other like Wonkers hate rules! So what have you got for us, “self-published” former agent Dan Emmett? Something good, right? Condoms on the “holiday bushes” and lesbian MURDER, yes? Bring it, Washington Examiner, we are All Ears!

On the first lady, he describes her as aloof, someone who didn’t say “thank you” to agents while the president and former first daughter Chelsea typically did. He told Secrets, “she was not as out-going or cordial.”

Well. Er. Hrrm. Your editrix admits to feeling a small bit let down — the same sad deflation she feels after seeing the actual product of whatever Ghost Andrew Breitbart has relentlessly puffed.

But surely you’ve got something, Dan Emmett! ANYTHING!

In another, he wrote of a female staffer who wouldn’t listen to Emmett’s security advice. “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing,” he wrote. “My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything.”

We get it! So Hillary never said thank you to you, specifically, because she hates you for being a rigid patriarchal full-sexxxist DICK.

A call to your editrix’s personal acquaintance, Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, whom she met one nice Texas day outsidea Crawford, was not returned in the four minutes she spent preparing this post. [Washington Examiner]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Barb

    Hillary looks like she's putting on a little weight. She'd better be careful, 10 more pounds and Bill is going to start hitting on her.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Do you just sit around and think of that shit and then unfurl at the appropriate post, snarkstress?

  2. chascates

    There was an email that used to make the rounds revealing how the Clintons made the Secret Service do menial chores (laundry, pulling carts around?) and contrasted Friendly President Bush who it claimed cooked a barbeque for the agents as soon as he was at his ranch.

    1. Chichikovovich

      President Bush? Never heard of him.

      (It will be interesting to see where he gets placed on the Republican convention speaking list. They can't just leave him out altogether, or exile him to speaking at early Sunday morning prayer breakfast, can they?)

      1. DrunkIrishman

        I don't know…I think they created a hurricane last go around just to keep him from speaking at their convention.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I've never seen that word before, either here or on the internets. Is that some sort of urban-slang thing for rude or cold and impersonal person?

  3. lefty74

    Speaking of cigars, Rush Limbaugh reminds me of an action movie star when he smokes one. Yes Lassie. Taking a shit.

    1. LesBontemps

      No, the SS douche told her she couldn't get one, or a nipple piercing either, apparently.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I'm hoping President Newt goes for the full body modification, like that dude on the Discovery Channel who tried to turn himself into a cat.

  4. Lucidamente1

    Next thing you know, they'll reveal that Obama once hugged one of his law school professors.

  5. el_donaldo

    So we're supposed to care that Hillary was less outgoing than Bill? Do they really want that sex tape that badly?

  6. chascates

    Hey, WAIT A MINUTE! Investigative Journalist Ronald Kessler wrote a book too <a href="http://(” target=”_blank”>( and claims:
    • Because of objections by the wife of Michael Chertoff, the secretary of Homeland Security, the Secret Service stopped performing checks on workers cleaning the Chertoffs’ home, even though agents knew that many of the workers were illegal immigrants.
    • Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary, who was guarded by the Secret Service along with her baby, demanded that the Secret Service shuttle her friends to restaurants. When her detail leader objected, she had the agent removed.
    • At a Halloween party, Jenna Bush’s now husband Henry Hager became so inebriated that the Secret Service wound up taking him to Georgetown University Hospital. Another time, he became drunk with Jenna in a Georgetown bar and picked a fight with several other patrons. The Secret Service had to intervene to avoid a brawl.
    • In contrast to John McCain, Barack Obama—codenamed Renegade—and Michelle Obama—codenamed Renaissance—treat agents with consideration and respect. Contrary to Obama’s repeated claims that he is giving up smoking, he has continued to smoke regularly.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      "Contrary to Obama’s repeated claims that he is giving up smoking, he has continued to smoke regularly."

      I never doubted it.
      The day the story breaks that Michelle, on the other hand, is caught taking a drag or two, is what I wait for with baited *cough* breath..

      1. chascates

        Imagine the pressure of being Leader of the Free World and not being able to smoke a cigarette! Bush had Jesus (and delusions), Clinton had Monica (and God knows who else), George H.W. Bush had fishing in Kenebunkport, and Reagan had Bonzo.

  7. mrsbitch

    So, Hillary obviously didn't beat blind obedience into the snot-nosed, young female staffers nearly enough if they wouldn't follow Emmett's advice. Bill tried. God knows, Bill tried and tried, with mixed, spotty results.

  8. LiveToServeYa

    His reply to 'thank you' would be 'just doin' mah job, Ma'am', so she just cut out all the useless dialog shit.

  9. DemmeFatale

    True story:
    We lived in the same town as the Clintons, and the Secret Service dudes said that they were the friendliest and most accessible ex-Pres.and First Lady ever.
    (Just sayin'…)

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well, that just goes to show how terrified for their lives the Secret Service agents were.

    2. Limeylizzie

      Yep, a friend of mine has a friend who is married to someone on Barry's detail and he says that the Obamas and their kids are so polite and nice and Hilary and Bill were also lovely, Old Lady Barbara Bush was a screaming bitch apparently-no surprise there.

  10. Generation[redacted]

    Okay, but what about that movie where the first daughter slips away and falls for some British guy? It was on cable the other night.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Of course Hillary wasn't nice to the Secret Service guys — weren't they the ones who were allegedly always piling Bill into the trunk of a car so he could run out to hotels and fuck loose women? Or is this a case of one pack of baseless slander conflicting with another case of baseless slander but since they're both on the same side the reader should ignore the inconsistencies?

  12. MissTaken

    You mean Hillary didn't say "Thank You!" to the agents who quietly stood by while her husband was getting his dick sucked off by an intern while at work? Shocking!

  13. prommie

    Well, at least he is not showing any evidence of the old paternalistic ideals of male superiority.

    1. SorosBot

      Nope, nor is he treating grown women like children who he has to talk down to and always knows better than, because he has a penis.

  14. Captain_Quark

    Wow. The rumors are true. With a post like that, it's clear that this site has officially gotten its lame on. Sic transit Gloria, Gumby.

    1. skoalrebel

      By insulting the physically challenged with that "lame" remark, you are hereby banned for life! [spit!]

      1. flamingpdog

        Whoa, where have you been hiding, skoalrebel? First Crank Tango comes outta hibernation and now you.

  15. Fare la Volpe

    My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything.

    But enough about Bristol.


    1. chascates

      Hey, if Bristol follows through with her idea to help sister Willow open a beauty salon we can set up a flash mob to hit the place on opening day!
      But Wasilla probably doesn't have the people to do that. Maybe we can trade fast food tokens for volunteers?

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Scathing, darling. So much so that I must retire to my fainting couch, inhale my smelling salts, and dab my fevered brow.

    1. MosesInvests

      Wonkeratti is also acceptable, as is Wonkettariat. BTW, loved your line about "Monty Python Tourette's"-I'm stealing that one, OK?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Did I say that? I must be drinking more heavily than usual to say something funny and then forget it completely.

  16. cheetojeebus

    So, is there a blog yet where we can post fanfic?

    btw good thing Chad Feldheimer didn't get his hands on this before it was published.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I had heard WoW was offering free weapon power-ups to keep players from deserting.

  17. SorosBot

    Does anyone have a clue what the fuck “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing” is supposed to mean? Besides being condescending and infantizing, it just makes no sense.

    1. prommie

      Well, he's belaboring the point a bit, but I think he wants to point out that properly raised young ladies know how to take orders from male authority figures, as we all know, right?

  18. flamingpdog

    “Most of these youngsters were from wealthy families, and many viewed Secret Services agents as the hired help,”

    So, obnoxious, pampered rich kids in high-level government positions are obnoxious and pampered. This is worth a book? And this post is the most provacative and stimulating one I've commented on since Tim Pawlenty announczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    1. gurukalehuru

      So, what are the Secret Service if not hired help? I'm not saying they are not valued or are not performing a necessary and potentially dangerous service. That's what they're hired for.

  19. miss_grundy

    Most of these jokers who serve in the Secret Service are Republicans, so, of course, they will say lousy stuff about Democrats but won't say anything bad about their own. Assholes! They should be forced to serve the nitwits from their own party and have to do all the slave work and then we'll see how they'll look upon their halcyon days dealing with the Dems.

  20. BigDumbRedDog

    These are weird blog posts! I came here for tips on childcare and how to keep my husband happy and all I am seeing is a lot of filthy words and unfunny jokes!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      how to keep my husband happy

      Did you miss all the posts about teh buttsechs? C'mon honey, keep up!

    2. flamingpdog

      And those brazillions of comments telling Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum how they should be raising their children?

  21. An_Outhouse

    When did we become Wonkers? There is so much change happening around here I'm getting vertigo.

  22. Joshua Norton

    My patient attempts to reason were met with childlike emotion born of a past where no one in authority–probably beginning with her parents–had ever said no to her about anything

    You need this guy to help write the new Wonkette Rulz of Bloggin Etikett 'n Stuff. That is if Miss Manners isn't available.

  23. fuflans

    in my ongoing commentary on key developments in the land of subscriber television, i will merely point out that i cannot WAIT to see shirley macLaine take on maggie smith.

    this will give meaning to my small sad life.

  24. fuflans

    In another, he wrote of a female staffer who wouldn’t listen to Emmett’s security advice. “She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing,”

    hahahahaha as if hillz would get a tattoo.

    oh, wait, maybe he's talking about bill?

  25. prommie

    You know, this kind of reactionary propaganda must be countered by the intellectual elite, else the proletariat will never develop the class-consciousness necessary to bring about the glorious workers' revolution. But remember, comrades, in our ceaseless struggle to overthrow the capitalist oppressors, we must not victimize the defenseless or speak of harm or injury occurring to the running dog lackeys and capitalist tools. As comrade Obama said in the coded transmission Tuesday, the secrecy of our conspiracy is of paramount importance.

  26. Exhausted66

    Hi Secret Service Spokesperson, it's me Editrix can I get a comment on Hilary not being nice. Call me back, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

    You did say, "please" and "thank you" didn't you?

  27. Tundra Grifter

    "As we also also know, Secret Service agents and First Ladies hate each other like Wonkers hate rules!"

    We saw what you did there, Rebecca!

  28. Mahousu

    She stared at me with a look as if her father had just told her she couldn’t go to the mall with her friends and get a tattoo or body piercing.

    This guy must have a Ph.D. in body language if he's able to extract that much backstory from a single look.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I'm still getting used to the new rules, can I call this guy a pompous asshole? To the best of my knowledge, he is neither a child or developmentally challenged. Allegedly.

  29. ttommyunger

    "longsuffering studs…" Having worked with the SS (and their uniformed Branch, EPS) I would make a different characterization: bored shitless functional alcoholics. Just sayin'…

    1. proudgrampa

      That totally makes sense to me. 99.999% of the time, they do nothing but sit or stand around. Don't understand how anyone could make a career of that.

      1. ttommyunger

        Got to be tough working and training for twenty or thirty years for something that never happens. They do have other duties, branches, etc. (counterfeiting, credit card fraud, etc.), but the Protection Services-tough duty…

  30. Abernathy

    There's a word for ladies who don't sweetly thank every man anywhere around them for putting up with their inexplicable existence every second of every day, especially once they've lost their looks, but I think it's banned by the commenting rules.

  31. owhatever

    Hey, Agent Emmet, what part of "Secret" Service don't you understand? On behalf of the Secretary of State and former First Lady, who is smarter and cooler than you will ever be, we Wonketeers send a huge THANK YOU, AGENT EMMET for doing the job you were trained and paid to do at taxpayer expense. Now slink away and shut the fuck up.

  32. thefrontpage

    Here is an excerpt from the book, courtesty of Secret Publishing, which published the book under its Government Tales division:

    "Althought Hillary didn't say 'thank you' that often, she was constantly amused by various defiant sexual practices. She constantly talked openly to us about Cleveland steamers, blue plate specials, teabagging, felching and Dirty Sanchezes. We always enjoyed these discussions–especially when she told us about the times she tried some of these practices with Bill and George and Al."

  33. luckismine

    I don’t know this guy and will never read his book, but I already hate him. He’s the same douche you hooked up with in a drunken, lonely lapse of judgment your freshman year in college who’s still telling everyone he bagged you at the reunion.

  34. BigDumbRedDog

    We are all dying to know, did you get the part of incontinent lady 3rd from the left?

    1. Limeylizzie

      It was hilarious, supposed to be “real” so they couldn't audition in LA, due to the Botox etc, they had a bunch of women , all over 40, talking about our dry vaginas, hair on the face, hot flashes and wetting yourself in public, all lovely symptoms of Perimenopause.

Comments are closed.