Don’t be surprised to see a statement next week from six-term Utah Senator Orrin Hatch that he is leaving office “to spend more time with [his] undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber.” DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE, as Orrin’s favorite old-timey band used to say!!! Hatch is likely to be effectively drummed out of office in the state’s labyrinthine Republican nomination process, beginning with the March 15th caucuses, which teabaggers are planning to flood like a truck-stop toilet, because they want a more overtly insane senator to avoid doing the nation’s business in Washington.
Over the past year, Hatch has been feeling his fiery conservative oats (which, is that even allowed, in Mormonism?), e.g., telling Obama to cut it with the “I’m Your Jesus Now” bullshit. And according to The Hill:
The senator has taken on an increasingly conservative tone, leading the charge in Congress on the Balanced Budget Amendment, a cause he’s long pursued. He’s lined up support from prominent conservatives including right-wing radio hosts Sean Hannity and Mark Levin as well as Mitt Romney, who remains immensely popular in the state. Hatch’s latest radio ad features extensive praise from Romney.
And who has more animal charisma and conservative bona fides than Mitt Romney?
Hatch’s top-notch re-election strategy also got a swift boot in the grundle from the wiry and retiring Olympia Snowe:
[Hatch had] long warned that if he lost, centrist Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) would likely get the Finance Committee chairmanship, a point many in the state say had some traction with the politically savvy caucus-goers. But Snowe’s recent decision to retire has made that point moot.
Ugh. Can someone get to work constructing a Shadow Senate to keep these two soporifics out of real politics forever? [The Hill]
{ 184 comments }
In compliance with the new rules from our beloved Editrix I can only say this concerns me.
See here, I do have grave concerns.
Calm down and put on this *special* garment worn by some super people in UT and Nevada. Works wonders.
I concur with this gentleman. I too am concerned with the rancor of this debate.
*shakes head slightly in chagrin*
I knew I shoulda concurred.
[super extra special cakes we like bonus points if anyone knows what this is a reference to]
2L;
I fully intend to pen a stern letter to "The Times" about this matter.
Hear! Hear!
Where, oh where, shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?
I am concerned also. This does not imply any animus towards the disabled or desire for violence towards others.
/ gives hug
Nor should it imply any desire to sexually violate the orbital cavity or cavities present in a human viscerocranium either devoid of or still in possession of its outer epidural covering.
I too, am concerned….that I have a desire to do lines off a rentboy's rippling pecs. Damn you, snocaine blingee!!
Rush? Is that you?
I too find these events to be beyond the bounds of reasonable discourse.
NEEDZ MOAR TEPID!!!!!1!!
I would like to do unto the Republicans what they are doing to the country.
I hope that passes…God knows it's a factually accurate statement…
I, for one, welcome our new Woman-American overlord, and look forward to toiling in her sugar mine (oh shut up, you perverts! I didn't meant THAT sugar mine!!).
I am truly saddened by this recent turn of events.
I find myself chagrined at the thought of what these-otherwise fine-fellows are doing to our esteemed government. I find myself, to my shame, having private urgings to yell rather rude, unproductive and intentionally humorous words. Quite naturally, I will not, in this august forum.
Orrin is many things… a douche, a liar, a scumbag, an enabler and a denier, but he is not a Teabagger or Mike Lee (the even worse, more moronic Senator from Utah.)
Yeah, they want another to go with Lee. You'd hope the prospect of 2 idiots would be enough to swing the race to a more moderate choice, but not likely since it is Utah.
I think it is time to create a new country- the mouth breathers, bigots, religious nuts in one place and the rest of us here. I suggest they keep the places they are already in like Oklahoma, Iowa and Utah. We get Maryland, New York, California,
Hey…don't leave me alone up here in New England.
Dude, OF COURSE New England is coming with us.
Jeebustan vs. Libtardia.
Pushin' the new envelop there mem.
I'm just doing R & D (Ridicule and Derision). Geez, it's not like I'm praying that a solar flare zaps him or anything.
Actually, if we did split this country along the lines you suggest, we would probably have to do one of those population exchanges like the Turks and the Greeks back in 1923. THAT was a fucking mess.
Or the Pakistan-India division. That went pretty smoothly, as I recall.
I hope Mountbatten is still, uh, suffering high heat in the bad place, for that one.
I'm proud to say that my people detested Montbatten long before it was fashionable, on account of the massive fuckup that was the Dieppe raid.—
Or cherry-stemming. It works so well connecting congressional districts, doesn't it?
*waves hand frantically*
I call dibs on Oregon for the lefties!
Come on, you guys, it's already a hippie state anyway!
Isn't "Orrin Hatch" a gay porn name?
It's also a euphemism–"Oar in hatch".
So you are up the creek without a paddle?
That's his younger, better-looking cousin, Oral Roberts.
Undersea baptising chamber? You'd have thought a church based in Utah would have gone for a subterranean chamber underneath one of their mountains.
They use Wyoming's naval fleet when they need to visit it.
As in that Jules Verne classic, "Journey to the Center of the Dearth."
I thought that nuclear waste went under the mountains, so there may not be room for a baptizing chamber.
Is it even possible to have a LESS effective legislative branch? Can we pass negative bills? the next few years will be OH so much fun
Next up: Hatch releases video showing him personally <s>executing</s> silencing 6 abortion doctors, 3 liberal professors, 14 guys because they "looked girly," and an Mexican.
strike /strike as in
Transcendental Regurgitation Is GreatThat <s> </s> thing has never worked for me here. I always have to use the full word "strike" instead of the "s".
Thanks; I'll try that next time. Can't edit that jibberish now that
it has been commented uponupon it others have commented.I'd like to be in the Shadow Senate too, please.
Lamont Cranston (Independant)?
Oh dear, this is worrisome.
Oh. my. Worrisome indeed! You said a mouthful!
Pearls:Clutching, also.
Hands: Wringing. Too.
Fainting couch and lavender-scented hanky at the ready.
Can we still make fun of Mormons? Assholes? Orrin, he's both.
I think if we are allowed to talk about skull-fucking as long as we feel bad about it, Mormons are okay too. (Without the guilt. They'll just baptize you for it later against your corpse's will anyway.)
Is it still skullfucking if you use your
coccyx?Can we say
coccyx?Mormon Jesus. This has gotten crazy. What is to the right of Orrin Hatch? I got an email from my fave Breibart mourner with 10 reasons to get rid of Spencer Bachus – and the 60 minutes expose-d fraud was his actual main point. (not supporting the HB-getoutMexicans enough was on there too). I guess incumbency ain't what it used to be. Wear it out, weirdos.
"What is to the right of Orrin Hatch?"
Franco? Genghis Khan? Not many other people.
Joe Stalin says hi.
Jean Schmidt (R – All Kinds of Crazy) was right-winged out of he Congressional seat in Ohio. Through a veteran's org I associate with, we're trying to reach out to Paul Hackett to run for the seat.
The democratic primary in her district was won by a guy named William Smith who is unknown to every democrat in Ohio. He ran no campaign and filed no report (yet) that he spent any money. Although he is 61 years old, he lives with his mother.
Well on the theory that the farther right you go the closer you get to the left – Saul Alinsky?
Thomas Monson. This is what Utah Mormons would really like to see.
I'm sure they can dig up someone to run to Orrin's right. I hear Andrew Breitbart's just a few shovelfuls of dirt away from the nomination.
Who's left in Utah to run to the right of Hatch? "Genpo Roshi"?
I just image searched the two guys that are trying to beat him, Dan Liljenquist and Chris Herrod, as well as the tea-party affiliated Freedomworks vice president, Chris Herrod, who is spearheading the campaign. The new rules disallow me on commenting, but I can still let you see for yourself, right?
No earthly idea who Genpo Roshi may be, but he sounds like a shady Japanese importer of olive oil with reputed criminal ties.
That, and a crasher of Harley-Davidsons, and a new-age-post-Zen fucker-of-students.
http://nhne-pulse.org/genpo-roshi-admits-affair-d…
The reanimated corpse of Brigham Young?
Gosh that gets my goat. Heavens to Betsy, what's next?
I certainly hope everything works out ok for him.
"He’s lined up support from prominent conservatives including right-wing radio hosts Sean Hannity…..
Seriously, the Hannity bump? Like he's a kingmaker.
Queenmaker?
From whichever side of the plate he hits, there's more in his closet than brooms and old sneakers.
When you gotta turn to Mitt Rmoney to endorse your character, it's time to ask for your money back and audition a different K Street PR firm. Certainly, the problem can't be you.
Are Mormons allowed to play the piano?
Mormons can play more than one piano at a time.
No, it is considered a gateway keyboard to some of the harder stuff, such as the harpsichord and the Casio.
So long as he doesn't dabble with the organ.
Thread Win! Multiple consensual upfists, also.
(And see your doctor if your organ dabbling lasts more than 4 hours.)
Way to go Utah! Or, as we call them here locally, "Idaho's Hemorrhoid".
Heavens to Betsy!
Jimminy crickets!
/ suppresses substantial apoplexy
Does this mean Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham will need to get a new piano player for their Tuesday nite dancing and ham biscuits fest?
Joe Lieberman is already pissed-off because everybody but him gets to have ham biscuits.
Well, for a Republican, Orrin is a bit milquetoast. Needs more overt racism and airport bathroom scandals.
"…beginning with the March 15th caucuses, which teabaggers are planning to flood like a truck-stop toilet, because they want a more overtly insane senator to avoid doing the nation’s business in Washington."
While I disagree with tea party politics I worry that some might find this kind of punditry offensive. We should all join together to try to raise the level of debate in this country, because we are better than that.
As long as there's Faux News, you couldn't raise the level of debate in this country with a screwjack the size of the Mormon Tabernacle's organ.
No wonder people want to be in that choir.
My stars, but this is quite the pickle.
(scared of new rules)
The Truth – The Tea Party is an organization of those white males who, when their team loses, always blame the referee.
I politely share in your lament
Holy shit!
My p-ness just hit triple digits! Thank you all so much!
I believe I'll take this opportunity to go wake up the missus…
Congratulations on your p-points!
Welcome to the Meaningless Achievement Club! Here's your Offficial Prize.
NSFW, needless to say, as if any of us filthy Wonketteers had a "workplace" anyway.
Ah, that video brings me back.
Memories~
Congrats!
(Leave the missus alone. Trust me, she doesn't want to hear about your p-ness first thing in the morning.)
I'd be remiss not to extend my concern regarding the capacity of legions of over-active, franchised, intellectually challenged traditionalists to choose the brightest in their midst.
Also, Fuck.
This is a sticky wicket.
[It's clean. I checked.]
Well, if it's clean, then why is your wicket sticky?
HFCS brings the sticky cleanly.
"…beginning with the March 15th caucuses, which teabaggers are planning to flood like a truck-stop toilet…"
Kaia, that's some funny stuff right there! Well-played!
Who knew (r)Money was big in Utah? Next thing you'll be telling us Boss BlunderRush thoroughly enjoys his own show!
Somehow I doubt that the Utah Tea Party contingent was making a decision based on the possible membership of the Senate Finance Committee. I think it's more about The Race War and stuff.
Shh! Nobody attack the man's religion! Don't give the wingnuts any ammo! Because certainly the Rethuglicans are the Most Mormon-Tolerant People On Earth.
[PS: This Snarque™ is directed at the wingtards, not the Editrix of the Great Overblown Censorship Panty Twist of yesterday. The Wingtards are santoruming all over themselves to get even for the Rush-sacking. And they held onto the Nixon grudge for over twenty years. ]
I hear Lex Luthor leaves the toilet seat up, so be careful.
they held on to the Nixon grudge for over twenty years
Not to mention that a day doesn't go by when some wingnut somewhere posts the claim that the defeat in Viet Nam was Walter Cronkite's fault.
Yep, I still get this "we could have won in Vietnam" bullshit from people. It's utterly ridiculous and disconnected with reality – and lead directly to history repeating itself, as the morons who actually believed this decided to invade and conquer Iraq.
It's a more resilient zombie lie than some because there are certain footholds in fact. Yes, the Tet offensive was a military defeat for the NVA/South Vietnamese insurgents. Yes, there is no doubt that if the US could have subdued the opponentes, if it had been prepared to accept (say) 500,000 American casualties and turn every inch of Viet Nam (and big chunks of Laos and Cambodia) into a crater-studded moonscape, or drop a few atomic bombs, to prop up a murderous, corrupt puppet regime.(A regime that furthermore was originally established in violation of the peace deal signed when France got chased out, which called for democratic elections in a unified Vietnam. Since Ho Chi Minh, fresh from the Nationalist triumph over France, would have won such elections in a landslide, the US set up its client in the South instead.)What Tet did was make it impossible for the US to lie to itself anymore: it forced people to confront exactly what the cost would have to be in money, in American lives, in the blood on American hands of Vietnamese (+ neutral Cambodians and Laotians) non-combatants killed by random bombings and (in a more current euphemism) “collateral damage”, in corrupting events like Mai Lai, in young men coming home psychological wrecks,….And when people asked that question, almost nobody except those who lust for war on principle said “Sure – any cost is fine, just so long as we achieve “victory”, even though nobody has been able to successfully explain what that consists in”.So we're cursed with three or four books and five or six PhD theses in military history from marginal PhD programs, every year, “arguing” (as if this is the first time the claims have seen print) that the military did everything right and it was the damned politicians and journalists fault.—
On the plus side, we did get all those Rambo movies.
I thought it was Jane Fonda's fault!
To be fair, John McCain did his part, also.
To this day, I reply "Get over it, we lost." when I hear someone say Hanoi Jane.
In league with John Kerry, no doubt.
While I disagreed with his views from time to time, I thank the Senator for his distinguished service to his OH FUCK HIM. Consensually!
This dude/ette must be new to Wonkette. We aren't here to raise the level of debate…just to snark, bitch and complain about hangovers (and stoopid people).
"Batten down the Hatches!"
"I did batten them down!
"Well, batten them down again! We'll teach those hatches!"
Bugs Bunny is a Great American
For a cross dresser.
Well, I for one am wearing my magic punderwear.
I have never been in Utah but it must be a very strange place if Orren Hatch and Bob Bennett aren't right wing enough for them.
Flying tomorrow to that tawdry sin city of Salt Lake. They are ever-so-proud that the bars on now open on Sunday since, since, ah since 2010. The engineering conf proudly pitched that newz to encourage those of us who are morally-challenged (is that okay Mom?) to attend.
/ tosses glitter and dances around the room
I personally have a problem with a state in which I am considered a Gentile. Feh.
RINO Jim DeMint had better watch his back as well.
Jim DeMint is a HINO. Human in Name Only.
From your lips to
doG'sChairman Meow's ears.[Hatch had] long warned that if he lost, centrist Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) would likely get the Finance Committee chairmanship, a point many in the state say had some traction with the politically savvy caucus-goers. But Snowe’s recent decision to retire has made that point moot.
*golf clap*
Indeed. I firmly believe we should quietly discuss the pros and cons of this issue. In a totally civilized and non-confrontational manner, of course. Then maybe someone can contribute a cookie recipe and a picture of their cats.
With poison cookies. And zombie cats. But certainly without any prominently posted signs that say "This Way To The Delicious Cookies And Adorable LOLcats.™"
Cookie recipe:
Buy one of those tubes of chocolate chip cookie dough. Cut off a few pieces and eat them. Bake the rest according to the directions on the package.
$: – 9
The root of the problem is that Tea Partiers assume that the nominating process is actually an audition for "Who Wants to be a Fox News Host?"
This comment is 100% snark-free.
______
(…Danged if Baconzgood doesn't say it better.)
Pass a federal balanced budget amendment. Let the federal funds to Dixie and the other red states dry up. Televise it when they go full Mad Max.
They can name it "Sarah Palin's Mississippi."
I was going to write out a long, seemingly relevant screed about this where the first letter of each line spelled out a proscribed word…sort of like this (following the new guidelines of course.)
When will the teabaggers understand that kicking out
Orrin Hatch will do nothing to solidify their position?
Reactionary politics will never solve the massive problems faced by out nation on a
Day to day basis.
But I looked around at all of the packing I need to do and if I don't get it done, I'm going to be skullfucked. So, imagine that whatever I would have written was hilarious and shower me with p.
A golden shower, t'will be.
What are you packing?
Fudge.
Barb!!! I was worried you got banhammered, but others stepped up to quell my anxiety…Sorosbot, and Johnny Walker come immediately to mind. It's good to see you.
I am packing up my worldly goods, soon to move to a small island off the coast of the United States.
I live there already. We call it Manhattan. Welcome, stranger! Lemme just start this meter…
I'm here for you, Dashboard! xo
And I for you, dear. If you had been banned, I would have raised pluperfect hell.—
LOL, that was r3t@rded.
What? The current Senate isn't shadowy enough?
I sent him a Super Tuber in support.
Now Drunken_Irishman will be jealous.
Heavens to Murgatroyd! I certainly do hope that the misplaced anger of these frustrated voters does not further polarize our political institutions, thus rendering them less effective at governance!
Well bless their hearts. I hope that the good Senator and caucus members can come to a mutually agreeable solution that will be win-win for all, but as we know, whatever happens will be god's will.
Nice Suth'n backhand theah, c_t. Whynchy'all set a spell on the verandah heah 'n crack open that theah jug.
whatever happens will be god's will.
Do the new rules allow us to write "God" without capitalizing the "G"?
Just don't say Jehovah.
*puts on fake beard*
*whips rock*
Sean Hannity and Mark Levin are "prominent"?
I had a boil on my ass one time that was very prominent….so, yes.
How the hell is Orrin fucking Hatch not right-wing enough? What are they demanding, someone who will call the President the n-word on the Senate floor?
Yes.
The one that brings the noose.
How about Joe Wilson?
He was lacking in self-control enough to yell out "You lie!"; yelling out the n-word can't be much of a reach for him.
Oh bullshit. My right nut leans further left than Orrin Goddamn Hatch.
Pix or something about exiting the intercourse outside of its usual parameter.
Thank heavens! I was so concerned that no one would!
He didn't say what he was thinking of the children. I'm telling on him!
I certainly hope that the voters of Utah won't elect anyone who would pander to the right wing.
Ok, when Orrin Hatch isn't right wing enough for the mouth breathers, we are in serious trouble.
Somewhere Anita Hill is laughing her ass off.
"Be careful" is probably the rule in the real Senate bathroom too.
Tap tap.
He might be on the border of Narnia?
I think he's trying to say Hannity's "Nenarn-ed."
This is remarkable.
Hatch is such a socialist, tofu-eating, gay sex-loving freak. How this fuckin' hippie stayed in office so long is beyond me. Marxist tools like this jerk disgust me. Hey, Orrin, why don't you take a permanent vacation to Commie-funland Cuba so you can have angry socialist buttsex with Fidel while he can still feel something?
"Hatch has been feeling his fiery conservative oats"? I thought it was the Bran Buds with hot sauce. In the cauk-ass of course.
The point that will be a finisher for Hatch is that he was great friends with Ted Kennedy – he even bragged on camera about how this ability to transcend partisan difference allowed them to accomplish things. News shows would have little segments on this "Odd couple friendship on the Senate Floor" because of course they love that kind of stuff: human connection overcomes partisan venom, blah, blah.
And read what the NYT had to say about the passage of the bill they collaborated on (named the "Edward Kennedy Service Act"):
The vote was 78 to 20 on the measure, renamed the Senator Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act, in honor of the Massachusetts Democrat who was a main architect of the legislation.
After the vote was tallied, Mr. Kennedy received a standing ovation on the Senate floor. … the elder Mr. Kennedy got a huge round of congratulations, including a hug from Senator Orrin G. Hatch, Republican of Utah, who was also a main author of the service bill.
“The whole Kennedy family has been a service family,” Mr. Hatch said.
The people you've enabled over the years – your current supporters, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, people like Rush who have spewed their bile with no objection from your corner, all of the tea partiers who you suddenly find are taking their bonfire of outrage (to which you regularly applied the bellows) somewhere else – have transformed the mere name of Kennedy into a shorthand. To them it means murdering, Communist, debauched emblem of all Demon-rat Libtard Anti- Americanism. Just look what Great American Breitbart had to say upon Kennedy's death, for instance. And you hugged this Satanic Curse on America! Said nice things about him!
The monster you fed and watched grow, whose anger you thought you could channel to your advantage forever, has broken its chains and is rampaging through the castle looking for you Orrin. Enjoy the harvest of what you have sown.
"Everybody in the swamp had their own alligator for protection, but Uncle Willie had the biggerest gator in the swamp. Wasn't Uncle Willie surprised when his gator turned around and gobbled him clean up!" — Pogo
Heavens to Betsy what kind of folks are that right wing? In compliance with new totalitarian content orders.
Is there a chill in here? I feel a chill.
Occupy Wonkette!
Gosh.
Slattern.
Bounder.
Now see here, Missy!
You cad, sir!
Arizona can't sit by idly when a state on their border challenges their craziness. Their Tea-tards will push the Repubs to nominate a Glock 19 for their open Senate seat.
I have a friend who used to be the head of a group of charitable organizations in SLC. She was at a fancy fundraiser or some kind of event and Hatch was seated near her. She radiated enough hostility his way for him to chat her up and talk about how reasonable he was, really, and how some of his–oh, his very BFF was a liberal, that being Ted Kennedy. And lo, it is to some extent true. Hatch was backing legislation for the children (very Mormon, sounds to me) pretty often. I may be wrong (looked it up; I am not) but I think once he backed stem cell research. He has or had a brother-in-law who was iron-lung-level disabled. Is he usually a RW asshole? Sure. But "usually" doesn't cut it. Now excuse me while I go drink poison.
Orrin never quite mastered hateful screaming with a mouth full of Velveeta and Slim Jims.
Call me part of the problem, but as a resident of Utah, I don't even bother to vote anymore. Progressives are so few and outnumbered here, it's just a waste of gasoline to drive to the polls.
I quickly read the headline as "TEENAGERS to chase Orrin Hatch out of Senate", lulz.
"which teabaggers are planning to flood like a truck-stop toilet"
And with much the same content as a truck stop toilet, also too.
I have it on good authority that Faux has promised Romney and the Hatched One their own one-hour weekly show if things work out badly for them election-wise. It will debut as "White and Whiter" and will air on Sunday Mornings, right after the Catholic Kid-Fucking Hour.
It couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Zounds!
"Whatever shall we do?"
I heard this in the voice of Sideshow Mel, which makes it even funnier.
Love ya, Dash!
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