BUT WITH BETTER HAIR  3:15 pm March 7, 2012

Barack Obama Thinks That He Is Justin Bieber

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

News you can use.

Barack Obama is giving a concert or something, you guys! At least that is what we assume is happening, since we find the news that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles” sort of hard to believe. Is there video? There’s video, after the jump!

Eh, Barack Obama just sounds tired of watching people drop during his speeches. He has been making this “it happens all the time” joke about his supporters fainting constantly since 2009. What has Obama learned in three years of doubling as crowd medical coordinator? “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds. Sensible advice from the President! Ha ha, and now all we can picture is the next Rick Santorum rally full of angry, hypoglycemic wingnuts passing out in giant waves, to protest socialism.

[Twitter/YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 151 comments }

hagajim March 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Barack "Tiger" Obama…..gals just a swoonin' for him.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Not just gals! I like him too!

*swoon*

widestanceromance March 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Manly, yes, but I like him, too, Sean!

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:00 am

Goddammit, I wuz about to say that!

*swoons TWICE*

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

My mother once fainted at a Frank Sinatra concert in the 40's.

Maman March 7, 2012 at 3:24 pm

My mother threw her panties at Tom Jones…. Ahh. the '70s…

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

That's nothing: my mom threw her panties at Tom Jones in the 60s, but forgot to take them off, the slut.

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

That's nothing – I threw my mom at Tom Jones in the 50s, and I was in diapers!

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Englebert Humperdink! Is that you????

jtalaska March 7, 2012 at 4:15 pm

grandma threw her bloomers at William Mckinley

Nopantsmcgee March 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

So, did my Mom. And back then those panties could kill at certain speeds.

Jus_Wonderin March 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Damn Ralph Nader, taking away everybodies fun.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:01 am

Those granny panties are totally fucking killer.

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 10:22 pm

My 75 year-old sister still gets wet when she listens to Ol' Blue Eyes, by her own admission.

fuflans March 7, 2012 at 11:13 pm

i would throw my panties at joe biden.

bomble March 7, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I wish the knoller headline said "farted"

LettucePrey March 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm

REAL Americans only faint when liebruls try to take guns out of the hands of infants, or when the local McDonalds runs out of anusburgers. Read your Constitooshun!

Barb March 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?

fuflans March 7, 2012 at 11:13 pm

this is so funny.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:02 am

I'm sorry, even though you got eighty bazillion upfists for this, I just had to fist ya once again.

Canmon March 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm

They're a bunch of hippies, all hopped up on dope and birth control.

mavenmaven March 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Obammer infringing on her rights by calling for a gubbermint sponsored EMS!

Biel_ze_Bubba March 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

And telling her to eat!

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

People ought to be able to faint wherever the hell they want without government intrusion! Stupid nannystate soshulesm!

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Well, for one, my heart is racing along.

Oh wait, I guess that's just the meth.

KeepFnThatChicken March 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Pretzels. I have got to remember to stop eating pretzels when reading Wonkette.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:05 am

TMC. (Too Much Caffeine)

johnnymeatworth March 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The fainter must have heard about the new iPad.

prommie March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I heard it gives great head.

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Callista just ordered one to cut down on her work load.

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I bet it takes a lot of work on her part to produce a load.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:06 am

Wut, from that fat old pantload? The *idea* of that beak approaching *his* pecker is probably enough.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm

FOX Headline: "President Sickens Americans"

Biel_ze_Bubba March 7, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"Obama Dictates Medical Treatment for US Taxpayer!!!"

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Obama Issues Strict Dietary Guidelines For All Americans Who Stand"

Sharkey March 7, 2012 at 4:42 pm

"Obama's Farts Contain Chloroform"

rickmaci March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Stand with the President (but please eat first!).

prommie March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

He's the Fab Moor!

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:27 pm

This belongs in a portrait gallery of Great Comments Of All Time

prommie March 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

It is only because I stand on the shoulders of giants, he said humbly. He often bragged that his humility was his greatest virtue.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I stand in awe of your shoulderstand, then

Or "aw!" your shoulder stand. Or some such. At any rate, well played!

Limeylizzie March 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

That wins for at least this election season.

BornInATrailer March 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Sweet Mother of God, that was inspired.

DCBloom March 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

FTW!

Steverino247 March 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

That was brilliant, clever and funny, all at once.

GorzoTheMighty March 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Outstanding! Simply outstanding.

Goonemeritus March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

“You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,”

You also have to be carful not to lock your knees this is also important for prostitutes like Senator Inhofe

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I find holding an aspirin between my knees helps me maintain the proper posture.

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Rush Limballs' penis: that's a little tip, too. Also.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:08 am

You KNOW he doesn't have one, right? That's what all the viagra is for. He's trying to get his clitoris to *grow.*

Gunner Asch March 7, 2012 at 10:32 pm

"Brace yerself, Effie!"

Mahousu March 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Obamacare claims another victim.

BigDumbRedDog March 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I never thought I'd ever say this but … TOO MANY POSTS!
Arhgh!

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm

No more 100+ upfists for anyone.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

It's getting impossible to keep up! But I like that better than the days when nothing new would come up for hours, and we'd just entertain ourselves in the comments of the last thread.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Yes, and masturbation is boring too, right?

Jukesgrrl March 7, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Yes, sometimes I don't find myself all that attractive.

DaRooster March 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I was thinking the same thing this morning (as they also start nice and early)… but since I recently complained sniveled about it I figured I should keep my yapper shut.

BarackMyWorld March 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I for one welcome our new verbose, hyper-productive overlords.

UnholyMoses March 7, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Yeah, the new Editrix posts more than Sandra Fluke fucks.

What?!

Don't give me that look …

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Too soon!

Chet Kincaid March 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Bad dog!

BigDumbRedDog March 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If you hit me with that rolled up newspaper I swear to god I'll pee on your floor.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:09 am

Try his leg, hon. The floor, they don't care so much about.

Lucidamente1 March 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

“You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip” beats the shit out of "My mother always said, 'When you're eating pretzels, chew before you swallow."'

PsycWench March 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

George Bush's mom didn't tell him that last part. I wonder why.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:09 am

Bar? Is that YOU?

ManchuCandidate March 7, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Big deal. Newt thinks he's LMFAO… all them… because people have fainted when he's danced in a speedo while singing "I'm Sexy and I know it."

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh god, now I need the brain bleach to get both that image and that horrible song out of my head.

MissTaken March 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I actually double-checked that wasn't one of your comments since you are Earl of the Earworm.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hey, some songs are just too cruel for me to bring up.

Extemporanus March 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

♪♫ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah… ♪♫

PsycWench March 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Faint? I would go with "barf" and then "psychotic break" myself.

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Girl, look at that body.

SayItWithWookies March 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I'd go to one of his speeches, but they're impossible to hear over all the girls screaming, so I just buy the albums.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

It's a good place to pick up chicks, tho. You stand next to a really cute one and somewhere when he takes a sip of water, you ask her if she saw his Denver show four years ago, and then she says no, and you start talking about those big thick hard columns and next thing you know, she's in the back of your van, polling

Jus_Wonderin March 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Oh, so my tactic, if standing in front of them, leering at them, and softly rubbing my left mannip is not the way to go????

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Newt? Is that you?

widestanceromance March 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Was it not our Wonkette that called Obama a bone-crushing minotaur after he broke not only Michelle's but also Hilary's arm? I'm guesing this was Sarah K. Smith-era Wonkette.

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Barry, you need to come at the Repubs with the feint .. and the JAB!

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Newt Gingrich hopes to duplicate the effect by giving speeches to an audience of myotonic goats.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Well I might faint at seeing Michelle.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Um, I think the blood's rushing to the wrong head for that, at least for me.

DerrickWildcat March 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I fainted when I watched the video! Can't we use this video as some kind of weapon?

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

starfanglednut March 7, 2012 at 5:44 pm

My favorite Python sketch EVER.

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 3:43 pm

This was a very disappointing post. From the Twitter image, I thought it was going to be about Dire Straits.

(Cool story, DoBro)

DCBloom March 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Barry is kinda a sultan of swing….

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

And of schwing, according to many

Extemporanus March 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

The Men Who Stare at POTUS

smokefilledroommate March 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Maybe that person was just a huge fan of tax breaks on alternative energy vehicles.

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

She has all their albums.

smokefilledroommate March 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Tax Breaks is hot with his leather pants and all. The Alternative Energy Vehicles–meh, they're just merely the band.

starfanglednut March 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Well *I* liked them before they were cool.

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Lots of water (but not too much so you don't need a bathroom) and comfortable shoes. Also a hat and sunglasses.
(This coming from someone who saw Obama back in 2010 and remembers how electrifying it was, even though I was about 750 feet away…)

finallyhappy March 7, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Bowie State? hot,that day -lots of fainters
I cried both times I saw the Prez- George Mason and Bowie and I was further away than that.

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

No, USC–not very hot, but some ladies who were dressed up had trouble standing on the lawn in their pumps. Also, it started out as a cloudy and drizzly day, but by the time Obama came out it was nice and sunny. Hope that's a metaphor for how the 2012 election will turn out.

starfanglednut March 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

He spoke at a friend of mine's graduation. She told me this presence was "electric, and that all the students said "he should be president" after he spoke. I don't know exactly what year this was, but it was before he made is speech at the DNC.

KeepFnThatChicken March 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

"That's a little tip"

That's what she said.

MissTaken March 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Considering this is Obama, I'm sure that's not what she said.

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm

You never know – he IS half white.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:14 am

Not that half.

pinkocommi March 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Obama does take your breath away. In a good way.

Antispandex March 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"…..that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles”

That happens to me all of the time. No, really, I can't help it. In fact, right now, I have to go clean myself up.

MissTaken March 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Well, fiddleedee. Best to always clutch your smelling salts with your pearls when near the black man.

Eve8Apples March 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Just wait 'til the ladies start tossing their bras and panties on stage.

widestanceromance March 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

SLUT LIBLE!11!!!

Exhausted66 March 7, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Hippies don't wear bras, silly.

Eve8Apples March 7, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Perhaps that is because they tossed their bras to liberal men who can whip a crowd into a frenzy by singing a few bars of Al Green or giving a speech on tax incentives for alternative energy vehicles.

UW8316154 March 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Suave crooning, intellectual and funny, an icy death stare – by God I love Barry.

Mumbletypeg March 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

icy stare

Witnessed.

Jus_Wonderin March 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

If that did happen at a Santorum rally there could only be two reasons. One is that snakes are involved.

arihaya March 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

when Obama speaks, one man faints

but if Obama open his pants, half the nation will faint

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:17 am

MORE than half. Between the "creaming-their-jeans" laydeez and all the in-AND-out-of-teh-closet poofters, I reckon there won't be a dry pair of underroos in most audiences.

And teh babbyz just LERVE him.

PsycWench March 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I like to tell myself that students faint during my lectures all the time, but I'm pretty sure they fell asleep.

Blueb4sunrise March 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Hitler!!!!!!!!

WhatTheHeck March 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm

And that was in his shirtsleeves. Imagine when he takes his shirt off.

mormos March 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

This is not a joke. I was at an Obama rally in 2008 and a man not 30 feet from me died. It took us a good 20 minutes after he went down to get the attention of security (because the crowd was so loud) and bring in EMTs.

HuddledMass March 7, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Creepy. And tragic. And not snarkable, so take it back!
[makes like a bagger, covers ears LALALALALA]

Sassomatic March 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Typical Obamacare, telling people when they have to eat. Next thing you know, his henchmen will be waiting outside your house to make sure you go to the bathroom before you leave.

UnholyMoses March 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

As a parent, I for one would welcome our new potty time overlords.

Jus_Wonderin March 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I am there with ya. I'll take two (2) henchmen to lord over my sometimes house trained Chiweenie.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 6:19 pm

That's the rule at our house. "I don't care if you don't have to go – you need to sit down and at least try!"

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:19 am

I would like that. I'm getting tired of pulling over to take a leak because I'm always in such a fucking rush to get somewhere, and pissing at home seems to be low down on the "gotta do it b4 u get out teh door" list.

Numbat_Dundee March 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm

He sings better than Justin Beiber but Justin might just have a better grasp of public healthcare funding.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:20 am

Watch yerself, mate, I'm in your territory now.

Nostrildamus March 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

If eating prevents fainting, that proves Obama supporters aren't real Americans!!

OneYieldRegular March 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"You always gotta eat before you stand a long time-…"

"Good, healthy, organic vegetables, preferably grown in your own garden!"

"Michelle. Please."

ElPinche March 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I faint when I listen to Flip Flopmney….well sort of, I fall asleep and fart.

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Hell, I just fart-constantly, awake, asleep, no difference.

Barrelhse March 7, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Is he playing Shea Stadium?

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I liked his first album better, you know, before he sold out.

WiscDad March 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I passed out last night protesting reality

Chet Kincaid March 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The Commander-In-Chief now has to pull shifts as a 911 Operator?! David Gregory was right about all that pain and sacrifice!

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

He couldn't possibly do any worse than the previous 9-11 Operator in the White House.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:21 am

Sweet jeebus, I have a few TURDS that couldn't do any worse than that schmuck.

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Did he say something that didn't sound like an immediate capitulation to Republican interests? Because I'd faint from the shock as well.

HarryButtle March 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

“You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds.

Does it have to be that healthy arugula crap, or can I eat a Twinkie?

Generation[redacted] March 7, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Too true. It's like the other night when Breitbart was walking around his neighborhood listening to an Obama speech…

mrblifil March 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm

She was probably appalled that America had installed this known Alinskyite and Muslim Ethiopian Jew madrassa student Kenyan voodoo doctor at the head of the most powerful force for liberty and America known to man: The US Federal Government (which by the way should be abolished). These colors don't run HOOO-AAHHHH! SEMPER FIE!!!!!11!

40 or 50 % McShineys March 7, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Big deal. People are always slumping over in their Hoverround seats at Republican events!

Thedongsofwar March 7, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Obama has been known to give the ladies the vapors.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:22 am

Right in their pretty little papoose-makers.

finallyhappy March 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

at least 3 people fainted at Bowie State last year, it was outside, hot and many of the attendees were old(mid day is when we retirees like to go out and get crazy). I had water but lots of people didn't bring any. The President could see the fainters in the crowd , collapsing one by one. He said People, you need to drink water if you are going to be out in the heat. I appreciated his suggestion(I had water) but it would have been helpful if he started tossing bottles of water in the audience.

flamingpdog March 7, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I congratulate our Presidential overlord for reminding people when they have to eat. Now he needs to tell the Republiklans what to eat. It has three fewer letters than "arugula" and is a lot more stinky.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:23 am

They already eat that every time one of their DearLeaders speaks.

Jukesgrrl March 7, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I was at a Hillary speech once when an audience member fainted. Chelsea immediately took control, whipping out her cell phone to call for help (she probably has the Secret Service on speed-dial), getting the person air and water. She was impressive. The president should consider hiring her.

MinAgain March 7, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Aww, I think he's kinda sweet. For a Kenyan socialist kitten murderer bent on destroying democracy as we know it.

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 10:30 pm

They collapse when Mittens speaks, too. 'Course they're just falling asleep in his case.

FROTHY March 8, 2012 at 1:04 am

*Swoon*

He looked at me! He looked at ME!!!

*Swoon*

BaldarTFlagass March 8, 2012 at 8:53 am

Mark Knoller? I really liked his work with Dire Straits. One of the most respected fingerstyle guitarists of the modern rock era!

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