News you can use.

Barack Obama is giving a concert or something, you guys! At least that is what we assume is happening, since we find the news that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles” sort of hard to believe. Is there video? There’s video, after the jump!

Eh, Barack Obama just sounds tired of watching people drop during his speeches. He has been making this “it happens all the time” joke about his supporters fainting constantly since 2009. What has Obama learned in three years of doubling as crowd medical coordinator? “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds. Sensible advice from the President! Ha ha, and now all we can picture is the next Rick Santorum rally full of angry, hypoglycemic wingnuts passing out in giant waves, to protest socialism.


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  • hagajim

    Barack "Tiger" Obama…..gals just a swoonin' for him.

    • Not just gals! I like him too!


      • widestanceromance

        Manly, yes, but I like him, too, Sean!

      • Goddammit, I wuz about to say that!

        *swoons TWICE*

  • nounverb911

    My mother once fainted at a Frank Sinatra concert in the 40's.

    • My mother threw her panties at Tom Jones…. Ahh. the '70s…

      • That's nothing: my mom threw her panties at Tom Jones in the 60s, but forgot to take them off, the slut.

        • flamingpdog

          That's nothing – I threw my mom at Tom Jones in the 50s, and I was in diapers!

          • Englebert Humperdink! Is that you????

          • jtalaska

            grandma threw her bloomers at William Mckinley

      • Nopantsmcgee

        So, did my Mom. And back then those panties could kill at certain speeds.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Damn Ralph Nader, taking away everybodies fun.

        • Those granny panties are totally fucking killer.

      • ttommyunger

        My 75 year-old sister still gets wet when she listens to Ol' Blue Eyes, by her own admission.

      • fuflans

        i would throw my panties at joe biden.

    • bomble

      I wish the knoller headline said "farted"

  • LettucePrey

    REAL Americans only faint when liebruls try to take guns out of the hands of infants, or when the local McDonalds runs out of anusburgers. Read your Constitooshun!

  • Barb

    I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?

    • fuflans

      this is so funny.

    • I'm sorry, even though you got eighty bazillion upfists for this, I just had to fist ya once again.

  • Canmon

    They're a bunch of hippies, all hopped up on dope and birth control.

  • mavenmaven

    Obammer infringing on her rights by calling for a gubbermint sponsored EMS!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And telling her to eat!

    • People ought to be able to faint wherever the hell they want without government intrusion! Stupid nannystate soshulesm!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Well, for one, my heart is racing along.

    Oh wait, I guess that's just the meth.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Pretzels. I have got to remember to stop eating pretzels when reading Wonkette.

    • TMC. (Too Much Caffeine)

  • johnnymeatworth

    The fainter must have heard about the new iPad.

    • prommie

      I heard it gives great head.

      • nounverb911

        Callista just ordered one to cut down on her work load.

        • flamingpdog

          I bet it takes a lot of work on her part to produce a load.

          • Wut, from that fat old pantload? The *idea* of that beak approaching *his* pecker is probably enough.

  • FOX Headline: "President Sickens Americans"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Obama Dictates Medical Treatment for US Taxpayer!!!"

      • "Obama Issues Strict Dietary Guidelines For All Americans Who Stand"

        • "Obama's Farts Contain Chloroform"

  • rickmaci

    Stand with the President (but please eat first!).

  • prommie

    He's the Fab Moor!

    • This belongs in a portrait gallery of Great Comments Of All Time

      • prommie

        It is only because I stand on the shoulders of giants, he said humbly. He often bragged that his humility was his greatest virtue.

        • I stand in awe of your shoulderstand, then

          Or "aw!" your shoulder stand. Or some such. At any rate, well played!

    • Limeylizzie

      That wins for at least this election season.

    • BornInATrailer

      Sweet Mother of God, that was inspired.

    • DCBloom


    • Steverino247

      That was brilliant, clever and funny, all at once.

    • GorzoTheMighty

      Outstanding! Simply outstanding.

  • Goonemeritus

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,”

    You also have to be carful not to lock your knees this is also important for prostitutes like Senator Inhofe

    • I find holding an aspirin between my knees helps me maintain the proper posture.

    • flamingpdog

      Rush Limballs' penis: that's a little tip, too. Also.

      • You KNOW he doesn't have one, right? That's what all the viagra is for. He's trying to get his clitoris to *grow.*

    • Gunner Asch

      "Brace yerself, Effie!"

  • Mahousu

    Obamacare claims another victim.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I never thought I'd ever say this but … TOO MANY POSTS!

    • flamingpdog

      No more 100+ upfists for anyone.

    • SorosBot

      It's getting impossible to keep up! But I like that better than the days when nothing new would come up for hours, and we'd just entertain ourselves in the comments of the last thread.

      • Yes, and masturbation is boring too, right?

        • Yes, sometimes I don't find myself all that attractive.

    • DaRooster

      I was thinking the same thing this morning (as they also start nice and early)… but since I recently complained sniveled about it I figured I should keep my yapper shut.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I for one welcome our new verbose, hyper-productive overlords.

    • UnholyMoses

      Yeah, the new Editrix posts more than Sandra Fluke fucks.


      Don't give me that look …

      • HistoriCat

        Too soon!

    • Bad dog!

      • BigDumbRedDog

        If you hit me with that rolled up newspaper I swear to god I'll pee on your floor.

        • Try his leg, hon. The floor, they don't care so much about.

  • Lucidamente1

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip” beats the shit out of "My mother always said, 'When you're eating pretzels, chew before you swallow."'

    • PsycWench

      George Bush's mom didn't tell him that last part. I wonder why.

  • Big deal. Newt thinks he's LMFAO… all them… because people have fainted when he's danced in a speedo while singing "I'm Sexy and I know it."

    • SorosBot

      Oh god, now I need the brain bleach to get both that image and that horrible song out of my head.

      • MissTaken

        I actually double-checked that wasn't one of your comments since you are Earl of the Earworm.

        • SorosBot

          Hey, some songs are just too cruel for me to bring up.

        • Extemporanus

          ♪♫ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah… ♪♫

    • PsycWench

      Faint? I would go with "barf" and then "psychotic break" myself.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Girl, look at that body.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'd go to one of his speeches, but they're impossible to hear over all the girls screaming, so I just buy the albums.

    • It's a good place to pick up chicks, tho. You stand next to a really cute one and somewhere when he takes a sip of water, you ask her if she saw his Denver show four years ago, and then she says no, and you start talking about those big thick hard columns and next thing you know, she's in the back of your van, polling

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Oh, so my tactic, if standing in front of them, leering at them, and softly rubbing my left mannip is not the way to go????

  • widestanceromance

    Was it not our Wonkette that called Obama a bone-crushing minotaur after he broke not only Michelle's but also Hilary's arm? I'm guesing this was Sarah K. Smith-era Wonkette.

  • flamingpdog

    Barry, you need to come at the Repubs with the feint .. and the JAB!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Newt Gingrich hopes to duplicate the effect by giving speeches to an audience of myotonic goats.

  • SorosBot

    Well I might faint at seeing Michelle.

    • Um, I think the blood's rushing to the wrong head for that, at least for me.

  • I fainted when I watched the video! Can't we use this video as some kind of weapon?

    • Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  • Doktor Zoom

    This was a very disappointing post. From the Twitter image, I thought it was going to be about Dire Straits.

    (Cool story, DoBro)

    • DCBloom

      Barry is kinda a sultan of swing….

      • Doktor Zoom

        And of schwing, according to many

  • Extemporanus

    The Men Who Stare at POTUS

  • Maybe that person was just a huge fan of tax breaks on alternative energy vehicles.

    • Fare la Volpe

      She has all their albums.

      • Tax Breaks is hot with his leather pants and all. The Alternative Energy Vehicles–meh, they're just merely the band.

      • Well *I* liked them before they were cool.

  • Callyson

    Lots of water (but not too much so you don't need a bathroom) and comfortable shoes. Also a hat and sunglasses.
    (This coming from someone who saw Obama back in 2010 and remembers how electrifying it was, even though I was about 750 feet away…)

    • finallyhappy

      Bowie State? hot,that day -lots of fainters
      I cried both times I saw the Prez- George Mason and Bowie and I was further away than that.

      • Callyson

        No, USC–not very hot, but some ladies who were dressed up had trouble standing on the lawn in their pumps. Also, it started out as a cloudy and drizzly day, but by the time Obama came out it was nice and sunny. Hope that's a metaphor for how the 2012 election will turn out.

    • He spoke at a friend of mine's graduation. She told me this presence was "electric, and that all the students said "he should be president" after he spoke. I don't know exactly what year this was, but it was before he made is speech at the DNC.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    "That's a little tip"

    That's what she said.

    • MissTaken

      Considering this is Obama, I'm sure that's not what she said.

      • anniegetyerfun

        You never know – he IS half white.

  • pinkocommi

    Obama does take your breath away. In a good way.

  • Antispandex

    "…..that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles”

    That happens to me all of the time. No, really, I can't help it. In fact, right now, I have to go clean myself up.

  • MissTaken

    Well, fiddleedee. Best to always clutch your smelling salts with your pearls when near the black man.

  • Eve8Apples

    Just wait 'til the ladies start tossing their bras and panties on stage.

    • widestanceromance

      SLUT LIBLE!11!!!

    • Exhausted66

      Hippies don't wear bras, silly.

      • Eve8Apples

        Perhaps that is because they tossed their bras to liberal men who can whip a crowd into a frenzy by singing a few bars of Al Green or giving a speech on tax incentives for alternative energy vehicles.

  • UW8316154

    Suave crooning, intellectual and funny, an icy death stare – by God I love Barry.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    If that did happen at a Santorum rally there could only be two reasons. One is that snakes are involved.

  • arihaya

    when Obama speaks, one man faints

    but if Obama open his pants, half the nation will faint

    • MORE than half. Between the "creaming-their-jeans" laydeez and all the in-AND-out-of-teh-closet poofters, I reckon there won't be a dry pair of underroos in most audiences.

      And teh babbyz just LERVE him.

  • PsycWench

    I like to tell myself that students faint during my lectures all the time, but I'm pretty sure they fell asleep.

  • Blueb4sunrise


  • WhatTheHeck

    And that was in his shirtsleeves. Imagine when he takes his shirt off.

  • mormos

    This is not a joke. I was at an Obama rally in 2008 and a man not 30 feet from me died. It took us a good 20 minutes after he went down to get the attention of security (because the crowd was so loud) and bring in EMTs.

    • HuddledMass

      Creepy. And tragic. And not snarkable, so take it back!
      [makes like a bagger, covers ears LALALALALA]

  • Sassomatic

    Typical Obamacare, telling people when they have to eat. Next thing you know, his henchmen will be waiting outside your house to make sure you go to the bathroom before you leave.

    • UnholyMoses

      As a parent, I for one would welcome our new potty time overlords.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I am there with ya. I'll take two (2) henchmen to lord over my sometimes house trained Chiweenie.

    • HistoriCat

      That's the rule at our house. "I don't care if you don't have to go – you need to sit down and at least try!"

    • I would like that. I'm getting tired of pulling over to take a leak because I'm always in such a fucking rush to get somewhere, and pissing at home seems to be low down on the "gotta do it b4 u get out teh door" list.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    He sings better than Justin Beiber but Justin might just have a better grasp of public healthcare funding.

    • Watch yerself, mate, I'm in your territory now.

  • Nostrildamus

    If eating prevents fainting, that proves Obama supporters aren't real Americans!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    "You always gotta eat before you stand a long time-…"

    "Good, healthy, organic vegetables, preferably grown in your own garden!"

    "Michelle. Please."

  • ElPinche

    I faint when I listen to Flip Flopmney….well sort of, I fall asleep and fart.

    • ttommyunger

      Hell, I just fart-constantly, awake, asleep, no difference.

  • Barrelhse

    Is he playing Shea Stadium?

    • I liked his first album better, you know, before he sold out.

  • WiscDad

    I passed out last night protesting reality

  • The Commander-In-Chief now has to pull shifts as a 911 Operator?! David Gregory was right about all that pain and sacrifice!

    • flamingpdog

      He couldn't possibly do any worse than the previous 9-11 Operator in the White House.

      • Sweet jeebus, I have a few TURDS that couldn't do any worse than that schmuck.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Did he say something that didn't sound like an immediate capitulation to Republican interests? Because I'd faint from the shock as well.

  • HarryButtle

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds.

    Does it have to be that healthy arugula crap, or can I eat a Twinkie?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Too true. It's like the other night when Breitbart was walking around his neighborhood listening to an Obama speech…

  • She was probably appalled that America had installed this known Alinskyite and Muslim Ethiopian Jew madrassa student Kenyan voodoo doctor at the head of the most powerful force for liberty and America known to man: The US Federal Government (which by the way should be abolished). These colors don't run HOOO-AAHHHH! SEMPER FIE!!!!!11!

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Big deal. People are always slumping over in their Hoverround seats at Republican events!

  • Obama has been known to give the ladies the vapors.

    • Right in their pretty little papoose-makers.

  • finallyhappy

    at least 3 people fainted at Bowie State last year, it was outside, hot and many of the attendees were old(mid day is when we retirees like to go out and get crazy). I had water but lots of people didn't bring any. The President could see the fainters in the crowd , collapsing one by one. He said People, you need to drink water if you are going to be out in the heat. I appreciated his suggestion(I had water) but it would have been helpful if he started tossing bottles of water in the audience.

  • flamingpdog

    I congratulate our Presidential overlord for reminding people when they have to eat. Now he needs to tell the Republiklans what to eat. It has three fewer letters than "arugula" and is a lot more stinky.

    • They already eat that every time one of their DearLeaders speaks.

  • I was at a Hillary speech once when an audience member fainted. Chelsea immediately took control, whipping out her cell phone to call for help (she probably has the Secret Service on speed-dial), getting the person air and water. She was impressive. The president should consider hiring her.

  • MinAgain

    Aww, I think he's kinda sweet. For a Kenyan socialist kitten murderer bent on destroying democracy as we know it.

  • ttommyunger

    They collapse when Mittens speaks, too. 'Course they're just falling asleep in his case.

  • *Swoon*

    He looked at me! He looked at ME!!!


  • BaldarTFlagass

    Mark Knoller? I really liked his work with Dire Straits. One of the most respected fingerstyle guitarists of the modern rock era!

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