Barack Obama Thinks That He Is Justin Bieber

  but with better hair

News you can use.

Barack Obama is giving a concert or something, you guys! At least that is what we assume is happening, since we find the news that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles” sort of hard to believe. Is there video? There’s video, after the jump!

Eh, Barack Obama just sounds tired of watching people drop during his speeches. He has been making this “it happens all the time” joke about his supporters fainting constantly since 2009. What has Obama learned in three years of doubling as crowd medical coordinator? “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds. Sensible advice from the President! Ha ha, and now all we can picture is the next Rick Santorum rally full of angry, hypoglycemic wingnuts passing out in giant waves, to protest socialism.

[Twitter/YouTube]

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151 comments

      1. ttommyunger

        My 75 year-old sister still gets wet when she listens to Ol' Blue Eyes, by her own admission.

  1. LettucePrey

    REAL Americans only faint when liebruls try to take guns out of the hands of infants, or when the local McDonalds runs out of anusburgers. Read your Constitooshun!

  2. Barb

    I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    Well, for one, my heart is racing along.

    Oh wait, I guess that's just the meth.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Pretzels. I have got to remember to stop eating pretzels when reading Wonkette.

      1. prommie

        It is only because I stand on the shoulders of giants, he said humbly. He often bragged that his humility was his greatest virtue.

  4. Goonemeritus

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,”

    You also have to be carful not to lock your knees this is also important for prostitutes like Senator Inhofe

    1. SorosBot

      It's getting impossible to keep up! But I like that better than the days when nothing new would come up for hours, and we'd just entertain ourselves in the comments of the last thread.

    2. DaRooster

      I was thinking the same thing this morning (as they also start nice and early)… but since I recently complained sniveled about it I figured I should keep my yapper shut.

    3. UnholyMoses

      Yeah, the new Editrix posts more than Sandra Fluke fucks.

      What?!

      Don't give me that look …

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        If you hit me with that rolled up newspaper I swear to god I'll pee on your floor.

  5. Lucidamente1

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip” beats the shit out of "My mother always said, 'When you're eating pretzels, chew before you swallow."'

    1. SorosBot

      Oh god, now I need the brain bleach to get both that image and that horrible song out of my head.

      1. MissTaken

        I actually double-checked that wasn't one of your comments since you are Earl of the Earworm.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    I'd go to one of his speeches, but they're impossible to hear over all the girls screaming, so I just buy the albums.

    1. actor212

      It's a good place to pick up chicks, tho. You stand next to a really cute one and somewhere when he takes a sip of water, you ask her if she saw his Denver show four years ago, and then she says no, and you start talking about those big thick hard columns and next thing you know, she's in the back of your van, polling

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Oh, so my tactic, if standing in front of them, leering at them, and softly rubbing my left mannip is not the way to go????

  7. widestanceromance

    Was it not our Wonkette that called Obama a bone-crushing minotaur after he broke not only Michelle's but also Hilary's arm? I'm guesing this was Sarah K. Smith-era Wonkette.

  8. Doktor Zoom

    This was a very disappointing post. From the Twitter image, I thought it was going to be about Dire Straits.

    (Cool story, DoBro)

  9. Callyson

    Lots of water (but not too much so you don't need a bathroom) and comfortable shoes. Also a hat and sunglasses.
    (This coming from someone who saw Obama back in 2010 and remembers how electrifying it was, even though I was about 750 feet away…)

    1. finallyhappy

      Bowie State? hot,that day -lots of fainters
      I cried both times I saw the Prez- George Mason and Bowie and I was further away than that.

      1. Callyson

        No, USC–not very hot, but some ladies who were dressed up had trouble standing on the lawn in their pumps. Also, it started out as a cloudy and drizzly day, but by the time Obama came out it was nice and sunny. Hope that's a metaphor for how the 2012 election will turn out.

    2. starfanglednut

      He spoke at a friend of mine's graduation. She told me this presence was "electric, and that all the students said "he should be president" after he spoke. I don't know exactly what year this was, but it was before he made is speech at the DNC.

  10. Antispandex

    "…..that people are fainting during a “speech highlighting new tax breaks and grants aimed at expanding the use of alternative-energy vehicles”

    That happens to me all of the time. No, really, I can't help it. In fact, right now, I have to go clean myself up.

  11. MissTaken

    Well, fiddleedee. Best to always clutch your smelling salts with your pearls when near the black man.

      1. Eve8Apples

        Perhaps that is because they tossed their bras to liberal men who can whip a crowd into a frenzy by singing a few bars of Al Green or giving a speech on tax incentives for alternative energy vehicles.

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    If that did happen at a Santorum rally there could only be two reasons. One is that snakes are involved.

  13. arihaya

    when Obama speaks, one man faints

    but if Obama open his pants, half the nation will faint

    1. FROTHY

      MORE than half. Between the "creaming-their-jeans" laydeez and all the in-AND-out-of-teh-closet poofters, I reckon there won't be a dry pair of underroos in most audiences.

      And teh babbyz just LERVE him.

  14. PsycWench

    I like to tell myself that students faint during my lectures all the time, but I'm pretty sure they fell asleep.

  15. mormos

    This is not a joke. I was at an Obama rally in 2008 and a man not 30 feet from me died. It took us a good 20 minutes after he went down to get the attention of security (because the crowd was so loud) and bring in EMTs.

    1. HuddledMass

      Creepy. And tragic. And not snarkable, so take it back!
      [makes like a bagger, covers ears LALALALALA]

  16. Sassomatic

    Typical Obamacare, telling people when they have to eat. Next thing you know, his henchmen will be waiting outside your house to make sure you go to the bathroom before you leave.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I am there with ya. I'll take two (2) henchmen to lord over my sometimes house trained Chiweenie.

    1. HistoriCat

      That's the rule at our house. "I don't care if you don't have to go – you need to sit down and at least try!"

    2. FROTHY

      I would like that. I'm getting tired of pulling over to take a leak because I'm always in such a fucking rush to get somewhere, and pissing at home seems to be low down on the "gotta do it b4 u get out teh door" list.

  17. Numbat_Dundee

    He sings better than Justin Beiber but Justin might just have a better grasp of public healthcare funding.

  18. Nostrildamus

    If eating prevents fainting, that proves Obama supporters aren't real Americans!!

  19. OneYieldRegular

    "You always gotta eat before you stand a long time-…"

    "Good, healthy, organic vegetables, preferably grown in your own garden!"

    "Michelle. Please."

    1. flamingpdog

      He couldn't possibly do any worse than the previous 9-11 Operator in the White House.

  20. anniegetyerfun

    Did he say something that didn't sound like an immediate capitulation to Republican interests? Because I'd faint from the shock as well.

  21. HarryButtle

    “You always gotta eat before you stand a long time. That’s a little tip,” he adds.

    Does it have to be that healthy arugula crap, or can I eat a Twinkie?

  22. Generation[redacted]

    Too true. It's like the other night when Breitbart was walking around his neighborhood listening to an Obama speech…

  23. mrblifil

    She was probably appalled that America had installed this known Alinskyite and Muslim Ethiopian Jew madrassa student Kenyan voodoo doctor at the head of the most powerful force for liberty and America known to man: The US Federal Government (which by the way should be abolished). These colors don't run HOOO-AAHHHH! SEMPER FIE!!!!!11!

  24. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Big deal. People are always slumping over in their Hoverround seats at Republican events!

  25. finallyhappy

    at least 3 people fainted at Bowie State last year, it was outside, hot and many of the attendees were old(mid day is when we retirees like to go out and get crazy). I had water but lots of people didn't bring any. The President could see the fainters in the crowd , collapsing one by one. He said People, you need to drink water if you are going to be out in the heat. I appreciated his suggestion(I had water) but it would have been helpful if he started tossing bottles of water in the audience.

  26. flamingpdog

    I congratulate our Presidential overlord for reminding people when they have to eat. Now he needs to tell the Republiklans what to eat. It has three fewer letters than "arugula" and is a lot more stinky.

  27. Jukesgrrl

    I was at a Hillary speech once when an audience member fainted. Chelsea immediately took control, whipping out her cell phone to call for help (she probably has the Secret Service on speed-dial), getting the person air and water. She was impressive. The president should consider hiring her.

  28. MinAgain

    Aww, I think he's kinda sweet. For a Kenyan socialist kitten murderer bent on destroying democracy as we know it.

  29. ttommyunger

    They collapse when Mittens speaks, too. 'Course they're just falling asleep in his case.

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    Mark Knoller? I really liked his work with Dire Straits. One of the most respected fingerstyle guitarists of the modern rock era!

Comments are closed.