ALL DEAD IN OHIO  9:33 am March 7, 2012

Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Love AllWhat’s up, Cleveland Plain-Dealer? Pretty exciting night, there, yes, with your still hanging chads or somesuch but “advantage Romney,” certainly what ho? So many exciting Politics in O-hi-o, with Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. Then also too Mean Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher, and “liberal” smearings of American veterans and armed forces, like so:

In November of 2005, she gained fame (and infamy) for her floor remarks attacking Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), a Vietnam veteran who had recently called for an orderly U.S. withdrawal from Iraq. On the House floor, she declared in a message to Murtha, “that cowards cut and run, Marines never do.”

Then she put on two purple heart Band-Aids, on her nipples, and danced a cha-cha, because the wounds of war are hilarious to Republicans, all the time.

With all those many interesting (?) happenings in the realm of voting and government, and the next four years (if for some unaccountable reason 2012 doesn’t wipe us out as we are so dearly hoping) here is what the front page of the Plain-Dealer’s Internet Web Site, cleveland.com, looked like this morning.

Fire all the copyeditors

Heckuva job, you, whoever you are. Really, really, hats doffed good sir.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 65 comments }

AlterNewt March 7, 2012 at 9:38 am

Where will they buy their 'Husky-Boy' jeans now?!

Lucidamente1 March 7, 2012 at 9:38 am

I didn't know santorum bounced.

Chillatte March 7, 2012 at 9:49 am

He's too dense to bounce.

DaRooster March 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

He most certainly is dense.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

I always thought splat…

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:05 am

More like fragmented.

Gratuitous World March 7, 2012 at 9:41 am

Ohio still gets Diabetes Thursday + Bone Thugs Friday.

ManchuCandidate March 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

Don't forget Deep Fried Food Day which is everyday.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:02 am

Rebecca is a typical slut broad: give her ten…TEN!… and the next morning, she's bored outta her skull.

Goonemeritus March 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

Why are you intentionally burying the lead that Doctor Ron Paul won a massive 20 delegates yesterday to bring his total to 60? Sure Romney has 380 and even Gingrich has 101 but Doctor Ron Paul is a Doctor so there!

Mumbletypeg March 7, 2012 at 9:45 am

Ashtabula Township Sears closing is 'devastating' for community, as Ohio braces to lose 9 stores

The "Softer Side of Sears" is the side that apparently lost its ability to bounce when dropped. Now it just lays where it landed, as preparations for burial are made.

Hera Sent Me March 7, 2012 at 9:46 am

NEW ROTOTILLER WILL HELP HOME GARDENERS INCREASE YIELDS

CHICKENS ESCAPE FROM FARM, RUN LOOSE ON HIGHWAY 12

ALL JELLY DONUT DIET MAKES THE POUNDS MELT AWAY

giant asteroid to hit earth in 30 days

BaldarTFlagass March 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

giant asteroid to hit earth in 30 days!

"And now, sports."

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

"The Cleveland Indians stand poised this Spring training to win their first World Series in over a decade as the rest of the league will likely be devastated by the Giant Asteroid that is scheduled to hit earth in 30 days.

Curiously, the asteroid has taken Cleveland off its potential impact points, finding it too boring to bother with. When asked 'Well, what about the Rock Hall of Fame?' the asteroid quipped, 'That place has enough old rockers.' "

DaRooster March 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

" The Cavs lost last night…"

"this is a recording"

Texan_Bulldog March 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

I see that that article was written by Janet Cho. I'm still trying to figure out how a Chinese woman ended up in Cleveland.

Oh & IN.YOUR.FACE, Jean Schmidt. Sweet….

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

All part of the Trisha Takanawa Asian Reporter Act of 2005. Do not be alarmed.

4TheTurnstiles March 7, 2012 at 11:13 am

Don't worry, with a name like Cho, she's probably Korean and not Chinese.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

So no Yellow Girl?

Terry March 7, 2012 at 9:48 am

"Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. "

Kucinich really didn't do himself any favors when he had his staff reach out to Qaddafi during the Libya uprising. Some people haven't forgotten that.

Steverino247 March 7, 2012 at 9:51 am

They had similar tastes in women?

Serolf_Divad March 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

Yup, I have a hard time getting worked up about Kucinich's departure after that stunt.

Terry March 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

Me either. He'll have a great career as a pundit or lobbyist. Best of luck to him.

chicken_thief March 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

It's still ok to want to bone Ms. Kucinich, though, right?

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

It will always be OK.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

Dude, conservatives would have boned Hanoi Jane if they'd had enough roofies.

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

Still and all, he is a bard whose familiar is a purple snow leopard.

Barrelhse March 7, 2012 at 9:49 am

Beware.

muthalovin March 7, 2012 at 9:51 am

Maybe bomb Sears, maybe?

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

War! war war war war war war bombs war!

ChernobylSoup March 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

So carrying a maximum of 17 products per small town store wasn't a winning business strategy for Sears?

smokefilledroommate March 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

Sears trumps all.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

Wait, Sears still exists? That's news to me.

OneYieldRegular March 7, 2012 at 10:03 am

Fracas at Woolworth's Counter; Details at 11.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 10:05 am

Hey, I used to work at a Woolworth's – and very shortly after I left, they closed the entire chain down.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

Stole that much, huh?

ManchuCandidate March 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

So the GOPers finally poured some water on the ole slag. Good riddance There's Nothing About Schmidt.

YasserArraFeck March 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

Too bad about Little Dennis – he was a bit of a nut, but I wish there were more like him. On the up side, he'll have more time to devote to his hot Missus.

bureaucrap March 7, 2012 at 10:03 am

The Koch Brothers just offered him a job bussing tables at the Cato Institute cafeteria.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

It's a pity that, of all the districts in all the states of the Union, we had to have a battle of two real liberals. People can point out Kaptur's votes on the Iraq war and what have you, but it's hard to be farther left than Kaptur.

Unless you're Kucinich, of course.

ShaveTheWhales March 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm

It's not a "pity", it's Republican gerrymandering.

BaldarTFlagass March 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

There's still Sears? I thought they got ate up by Walmart.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

More like they gay-married K-Mart.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

No, but they did nom K-Mart

slithytoves March 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

What's with the "devastating" part? It's "so-called" devastating?

Sharkey March 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

That's a real pain in the Ashtabula.

chicken_thief March 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

Hey, it's Mittens and his heavyweight wife!!! Good thing the photographer brought his wide angle lens.

KotBR March 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

I live here, and it's just the worst seeing our local paper do this. The article about the primary is a giant Romney ball-lick. Guess who the PD endorsed last week?

chicken_thief March 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

"Race bounces back and forth…"?! I thought we were done talking about Lou Sarah and her escapades with Glenn…

CapnFatback March 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

All this Ohio talk reminds me of that joke we learned as kids.

Q: What's high in the middle and round on both ends?
A: Rush Limbaugh, silly.

Dimitrios_M March 8, 2012 at 12:48 am

Speaking of Limpdick, Goodwill just requested him to not air their unpaid public service announcements on his show.

Bad will from Goodwill, that’s cold.

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

Aw, poor Sears. This reminds me of a long-winded story that I will tell all you younguns now, because it's early, and the various drugs have yet to kick in.

My family, which is surprisingly close and well-balanced despite the fact that we are all raging alcoholics, hails partly from the middle of Canada (hence the alcoholism). My uncle and aunt grew up together, but when they got married, eventually left the vast swaths of prairies behind for a relatively milder climate and better food (Vancouver).

When we get together on made-up Canadian holidays (can you believe they think that they have a Thanksgiving, too?), we get drunk and play charades. When we were kids, just the parents got drunk, but now we all do, and it's actually kind of fun (except my mom gets REALLY drunk and cheats). We pit the "adults" against the "kids", even though all the kids are now well into their thirties. Anyway, so one year, we were compiling our list of publications for the adults, and my sister happened upon the idea of the Sears catalog.

"That's great!," all of the kids agreed. "Even better than 'Hotel New Hampshire'!"

So, we're playing, and the kids are beating the adults by a landslide when my uncle draws the "sears catalog" slip. The time starts, and he assumes a squatting position, pretending to be reading. He mimes ripping a page from the book, and wiping his butt.

"Sears catalog!" rings out my aunt's voice.

Five seconds. They got it in five seconds.

This, my friends, is the power that the Sears name held over the Midwest, both in the US and Canada, for so many decades. If you weren't ordering tractor parts from it, you were using it as substitute toilet paper.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

Could have mimed fapping. Auntie mighta got it in three.

FlownOver March 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

I doff my mitre to your brevity and celerity.

anniegetyerfun March 7, 2012 at 11:02 am

Well, there WERE kids present.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 11:14 am

They'd get it in two.

FlownOver March 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

And the lingerie section. Don't forget the lingerie section, which was the ubiquitous precursor to internet p0rn.

In some parts of the country (mostly those where the Early Bird Special is a daily sacrament), the charade would have been to assume a squatting position, pretend to read, and begin flogging the bishop.

Mumbletypeg March 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

That's the kind of stuff that helps it makes sense to me.. I had nothing against Sears, until they sold me a lawn mower that was such utter shoddy construction* that I returned it — hauling it out the back of my pickup, while all the elderly floor salesmen approached on the curb (it was so slow business-wise there was nothing keeping them from departing the floor) and all looked at it and agreed, lousy "craftsman"ship~

*basically the notches/ grooves meant to allow you to adjust the height of the wheels, were barely indentations of any significance, & they didn't hold the lever in place at all — something that escaped my notice while purchasing.

Guppy March 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

"Then she put on two purple heart Band-Aids, on her nipples,"

BRAIN BLEACH NAO!

chascates March 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

People call America a 'melting pot' but it seems nothing combined together but remains separate in base metals. And I DO mean base!

barto March 7, 2012 at 11:55 am

Good ol' Jean, another proud member of the 101st Chairborne.

BTW I read that headline as "Meth" Wednesday, really the only reason I kept reading…

MadBrahms March 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm

"Advantage Romney"? Is this a politics headline, or did it wander over from tennis coverage?

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Just keep fuckin' that chicken, Mittens.

Ducksworthy March 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Was Mean Jeanne really a Marine?

Data Exactly March 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher,"

Hank the Cat Senator won't like her very much.

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