all dead in ohio

Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday

Love AllWhat’s up, Cleveland Plain-Dealer? Pretty exciting night, there, yes, with your still hanging chads or somesuch but “advantage Romney,” certainly what ho? So many exciting Politics in O-hi-o, with Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. Then also too Mean Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher, and “liberal” smearings of American veterans and armed forces, like so:

In November of 2005, she gained fame (and infamy) for her floor remarks attacking Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), a Vietnam veteran who had recently called for an orderly U.S. withdrawal from Iraq. On the House floor, she declared in a message to Murtha, “that cowards cut and run, Marines never do.”

Then she put on two purple heart Band-Aids, on her nipples, and danced a cha-cha, because the wounds of war are hilarious to Republicans, all the time.

With all those many interesting (?) happenings in the realm of voting and government, and the next four years (if for some unaccountable reason 2012 doesn’t wipe us out as we are so dearly hoping) here is what the front page of the Plain-Dealer’s Internet Web Site, cleveland.com, looked like this morning.

Fire all the copyeditors

Heckuva job, you, whoever you are. Really, really, hats doffed good sir.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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65 comments

  1. Goonemeritus

    Why are you intentionally burying the lead that Doctor Ron Paul won a massive 20 delegates yesterday to bring his total to 60? Sure Romney has 380 and even Gingrich has 101 but Doctor Ron Paul is a Doctor so there!

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Ashtabula Township Sears closing is 'devastating' for community, as Ohio braces to lose 9 stores

    The "Softer Side of Sears" is the side that apparently lost its ability to bounce when dropped. Now it just lays where it landed, as preparations for burial are made.

  3. Hera Sent Me

    NEW ROTOTILLER WILL HELP HOME GARDENERS INCREASE YIELDS

    CHICKENS ESCAPE FROM FARM, RUN LOOSE ON HIGHWAY 12

    ALL JELLY DONUT DIET MAKES THE POUNDS MELT AWAY

    giant asteroid to hit earth in 30 days

      1. actor212

        "The Cleveland Indians stand poised this Spring training to win their first World Series in over a decade as the rest of the league will likely be devastated by the Giant Asteroid that is scheduled to hit earth in 30 days.

        Curiously, the asteroid has taken Cleveland off its potential impact points, finding it too boring to bother with. When asked 'Well, what about the Rock Hall of Fame?' the asteroid quipped, 'That place has enough old rockers.' "

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    I see that that article was written by Janet Cho. I'm still trying to figure out how a Chinese woman ended up in Cleveland.

    Oh & IN.YOUR.FACE, Jean Schmidt. Sweet….

  5. Terry

    "Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. "

    Kucinich really didn't do himself any favors when he had his staff reach out to Qaddafi during the Libya uprising. Some people haven't forgotten that.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Yup, I have a hard time getting worked up about Kucinich's departure after that stunt.

  6. ChernobylSoup

    So carrying a maximum of 17 products per small town store wasn't a winning business strategy for Sears?

      1. SorosBot

        Hey, I used to work at a Woolworth's – and very shortly after I left, they closed the entire chain down.

  7. YasserArraFeck

    Too bad about Little Dennis – he was a bit of a nut, but I wish there were more like him. On the up side, he'll have more time to devote to his hot Missus.

    1. bureaucrap

      The Koch Brothers just offered him a job bussing tables at the Cato Institute cafeteria.

    2. actor212

      It's a pity that, of all the districts in all the states of the Union, we had to have a battle of two real liberals. People can point out Kaptur's votes on the Iraq war and what have you, but it's hard to be farther left than Kaptur.

      Unless you're Kucinich, of course.

  8. chicken_thief

    Hey, it's Mittens and his heavyweight wife!!! Good thing the photographer brought his wide angle lens.

  9. KotBR

    I live here, and it's just the worst seeing our local paper do this. The article about the primary is a giant Romney ball-lick. Guess who the PD endorsed last week?

  10. chicken_thief

    "Race bounces back and forth…"?! I thought we were done talking about Lou Sarah and her escapades with Glenn…

  11. CapnFatback

    All this Ohio talk reminds me of that joke we learned as kids.

    Q: What's high in the middle and round on both ends?
    A: Rush Limbaugh, silly.

    1. Dimitrios_M

      Speaking of Limpdick, Goodwill just requested him to not air their unpaid public service announcements on his show.

      Bad will from Goodwill, that’s cold.

  12. anniegetyerfun

    Aw, poor Sears. This reminds me of a long-winded story that I will tell all you younguns now, because it's early, and the various drugs have yet to kick in.

    My family, which is surprisingly close and well-balanced despite the fact that we are all raging alcoholics, hails partly from the middle of Canada (hence the alcoholism). My uncle and aunt grew up together, but when they got married, eventually left the vast swaths of prairies behind for a relatively milder climate and better food (Vancouver).

    When we get together on made-up Canadian holidays (can you believe they think that they have a Thanksgiving, too?), we get drunk and play charades. When we were kids, just the parents got drunk, but now we all do, and it's actually kind of fun (except my mom gets REALLY drunk and cheats). We pit the "adults" against the "kids", even though all the kids are now well into their thirties. Anyway, so one year, we were compiling our list of publications for the adults, and my sister happened upon the idea of the Sears catalog.

    "That's great!," all of the kids agreed. "Even better than 'Hotel New Hampshire'!"

    So, we're playing, and the kids are beating the adults by a landslide when my uncle draws the "sears catalog" slip. The time starts, and he assumes a squatting position, pretending to be reading. He mimes ripping a page from the book, and wiping his butt.

    "Sears catalog!" rings out my aunt's voice.

    Five seconds. They got it in five seconds.

    This, my friends, is the power that the Sears name held over the Midwest, both in the US and Canada, for so many decades. If you weren't ordering tractor parts from it, you were using it as substitute toilet paper.

    1. FlownOver

      And the lingerie section. Don't forget the lingerie section, which was the ubiquitous precursor to internet p0rn.

      In some parts of the country (mostly those where the Early Bird Special is a daily sacrament), the charade would have been to assume a squatting position, pretend to read, and begin flogging the bishop.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    That's the kind of stuff that helps it makes sense to me.. I had nothing against Sears, until they sold me a lawn mower that was such utter shoddy construction* that I returned it — hauling it out the back of my pickup, while all the elderly floor salesmen approached on the curb (it was so slow business-wise there was nothing keeping them from departing the floor) and all looked at it and agreed, lousy "craftsman"ship~

    *basically the notches/ grooves meant to allow you to adjust the height of the wheels, were barely indentations of any significance, & they didn't hold the lever in place at all — something that escaped my notice while purchasing.

  14. chascates

    People call America a 'melting pot' but it seems nothing combined together but remains separate in base metals. And I DO mean base!

  15. barto

    Good ol' Jean, another proud member of the 101st Chairborne.

    BTW I read that headline as "Meth" Wednesday, really the only reason I kept reading…

  16. MadBrahms

    "Advantage Romney"? Is this a politics headline, or did it wander over from tennis coverage?

  17. Data Exactly

    "Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher,"

    Hank the Cat Senator won't like her very much.

Comments are closed.