Dying and it’s only 8:30 PST. How do you people DO THIS all the time? Kirsten and I are going to liveblog Cougartown. GET READY!

11:30 — “What a huge caucus” — Wolf Blitzer.

11:32 — “We project Mitt Romney wins Idaho.” — Wolf Blitzer, going out on a limb, with Romney at 76%. Jesus Christ you guys are gonna drag this shit out till May. The hotness it burns

Kirsten: god everyone except wolf blitzer has given up
jesus christ i hope iran nukes ohio first.
starting with cedar point amusement park in sandusky.

11:34 — Sadness as the Elf Queen’s consort will be leaving the national stage, unless Bammer makes him Secretary of Peace. (Kirsten: “Really? He’s married to that woman?” You’d think she hasn’t been writing at Wonkette for NINE MONTHS NOW.)

11:41 — Kirsten, are they saying anything interesting on Cougartown? Are they drinking wine out of giant bowls? Probably. We are watching a giant disembodied hand on fucking CNN. LAME. Exciting picture to come!

11:48 — Cooper’s tie is what Romney’s tie should have been that purty blue but not TRYING SO GODDAMN HARD WITH THE DOTS. Fashion tip.

11:50 — And the 1827492nd time a pundit has said “That doesn’t spell enthusiasm for the Republicans this November.” It seems like it’s getting to be sort of a conventional wisdom.

11:51 — Ohio Plain-Dealer declares Marcy Kaptur your New Elf Queen. Elvish Queen Heryn ohtar lalaith!

11:57 — Oh my! Internet Fameball Jean Schmidt has lost her Ohio seat, per TPM!

In November of 2005, she gained fame (and infamy) for her floor remarks attacking Rep. Jack Murtha (D-PA), a Vietnam veteran who had recently called for an orderly U.S. withdrawal from Iraq. On the House floor, she declared in a message to Murtha, “that cowards cut and run, Marines never do.”

12:02 — FOX says even though Sarah Palin acted all coy (and SUPER TWEAKY) when she wouldn’t tell CNN whom she voted for, she told FOX she voted for Newt. Good scoop, guys. Nice job. Now can you find out where she cooks her meth?

12:06 — Soooo, is Alaska reporting yet? Sloopy Tarsday is the greatest, and all Wonkette’s readers are dying from joy of it. MOAR SLOOPY TARSDAY!!!1~

12:10 — Rebecca died for a couple minutes! Hey, did you know that your editor KBJ whose name is not ever spelled “Kristen” has also moved to Los Angeles? She moved to Los Angeles in order to murder Rebecca for a few minutes and take over her liveblog. Mostly we have done this so that we could report to you that the Washington Post mistakenly reported that CNN said something when in fact it said nothing:

12:26 — Oh hai me again. Now we are on FOX, because shoot us, and have discovered just how pandersome Mitt Romney was tonight. Witness! He has matched his tie to FOX’s WARBLOGGER backdrop like a prom boy matching his cummerbund to his hot chick’s dyed-satin pumps! Hold for transmission. Wait for it … wait for it …

12:29 — Now it is the “wacky” part of the night, when all of FOX watches Cougartown too. Mike Wallace's Kid

Are you a Courtney, Chris, or a Busy Phillips?

12:36 — Mitt Romney wins Ohio according to everyone on Twitter, the End …

Or IS IT? Take it away, Daily Beast!

Take it away daily beast

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  • Barb

    "How do you people DO THIS all the time?"
    Pop Rocks and Mountain Dew.

  • memzilla

    It is, however, entertaining to watch the over-extended talking heads as their drugs are either wearing off or kicking in.

    • Z Crudmonger

      Night of long knaves.

  • Steverino247

    OK, so when the hell is Gingrich going to drop out of this? Shit, even Ron Paul is doing better than he is tonight.

  • Ruhe

    "Cougartown" Is that Newt's crazy ideas come from, as opposed to Cuckoo Land.

  • ThundercatHo

    CEDAR PT LIBEL11!!!!!!1!1!!!!

    Srsly Kirsten, there's nothing else to fucking do here in the summer unless you like boats and drowning.

    • KBoydJohnson

      Those are my two favorite things. I am going to love Los Angeles!

      • flamingpdog
        • Some other L.A. songs I'm partial to:

          Death Cab for Cutie

          The Decemberists

          Admiral Radley

          • KBoydJohnson

            Oh, I only hate Cedar Point because I was dragged there on a church trip in my youth. And because I get a speeding ticket every time I drive through Ohio.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            I was dragged there as a young-ish England-based Fukui when visiting a friend in Youngstown as it was the most exciting thing to do in Ohio. It was halloween and camped up to the max.

            All I wanted was a damned beer. God knows how bad it was on a damn church visit.

            The other thing I remember about Ohio is a load of Amish who'd turned up to a 7/11 in a horse and buggy and were buying milk. Like, nice one, live-off-the-land backwards people.

    • Negropolis

      Drunk boating is practically a passtime, here in Michigan, too. lol The sheriff's offices are out on the inland lakes the Coast Guard and municipal police on the great ones.

    • Janinthepan

      There's an aquarium now in that Scooby Doo ghost town once known as the Flats…

  • sezme

    NINE and a HALF MONTHS, Allen!

  • chascates

    Is there no joy in Mudville?

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    "Kirsten: “Really? He’s married to that woman?” You’d think she hasn’t been writing at Wonkette for NINE MONTHS NOW."

    Has it really been nine months already? Congrats, KBJ!

    • Fare la Volpe

      If she were a precious fetus, we would have missed our chance to abort her by now. Drat and tarnation! I wanted to celebrate with an abortion tonight.

      • Barb

        Since I don't have my precious uterus anymore I have to leave the vacuum running most of the time just so that I feel I am still a contender in the abortion wars. Michele Bachmann called Planned Parenthood "the LensCrafters of abortion" I still call her "the Costco of crazy"

        • Negropolis

          LOL! @ "The Costco of Crazy."

          I'm imagining Michael Buffer booming that through a microphone. lol

        • Yeah, she buys it in 24-dozen lots.

        • banana_bread

          I love you Barb. Let's get gay married and I can get enough abortions for both of us.

          • Barb

            I love you back! The more abortions the better!

          • banana_bread

            Thanks! There's a real-life PP abortionplex next to my local grocer, so I could totally do the shopping and abortioning in one trip.

          • Barb

            I like the way you think!

          • Boojum_Reborn

            I will contribute the other half of the fetus, please.

          • redarmyzombie

            And every Tuesday, there can be Fetus a la Mode with our birth-control margaritas.

          • Really, they're best minced fine and sauteed with minced pork, garlic, ginger, light soy sauce and Xiao hsing. Add a tsp. cornstarch to make nice sauce.

        • CapnFatowls

          That's bunk in bulk!

  • Barb

    The photo is great! It symbolizes all the bitches Newt has gone through in his rise to the um, bottom.

    • Good choice of words, LOLA. He had to RISE to hit bottom.

      • Barb

        Hobbes, it was the greatest night EVER! I put on makeup, went out to dinner and I wore pants and shoes and everything. I'm sure my pillowcase is going to look like the Shroud of Turin tonight because I am too tired to wash off my makeup. I could have danced all night……

        • I'm SO happy to hear that, sweetie! SO SO SO happy for you! Give Jeffer a big hug and kiss for me for making you so lightfootedly happy tonight! Our Barb is BACK at 200%, yay!

        • Jeffer

          We had a great time Hobbes. Our host was an old buddy of ours, so we could be goofballs. We went to El Pinto, which is a place that is sort of hidden away, and has great local food.
          We laughed and had a good time. The poor sap that came along decided to be manly and have one of the "hot" dishes. He was sweating by the end of the meal. We decided to have beer for desert. A splendid time was had by all. Until tomorrow, when dude might be wearing a Santorum belt.

          • Barb

            I love having dinner with the vendors. Jeff is so professional at work and we can let our hair down and be complete chimps. He made 97.5 million last year for his company and then he brings me to dinner and our dinner guest said his female boss was "a worse word than BITCH" I channeled my inner Limey Lizzie and asked, "do you mean she's a cunt?" Then we had sopapillas and it was all good!

          • ZOMG, you are NEVER a chimp, pretty lady. Maybe a cute little bonobo?

            Did he turn green when you called her a cunt?

          • redarmyzombie

            I like to imagine her as one of these:

          • YES! That's our Barb! Cute as a button, eh?

          • Hey, Jefferston! I have a totally SLOW connection, so it takes me two fucking HOURS to see your reply!

            You can tell him about the Japanese guy who went to an Indian restaurant and ordered some really hot food, and it was so hot he decided to have ice-cream for dessert. But when he went to the terlet, things were a little different than he had expected, and all he could do was sit there and yell, "Come ice-cream!"

          • redarmyzombie

            What in the HELL goes into the making of a Santorum belt?!?!?!?!?

          • Best not to ask, darlz. Safe to say, like as not, ya don't wanna know.

  • CthuNHu

    Romney rebaptized 8,000 Ohio Pentecostals and Catholics via secret Mormon Intertubes last night, so they had to vote for him even though they had Santorum in their hearts. That's just how the Mormon baptism thing works. It's like dangling a rentboy with a pocketful of meth in front of a totally straight Republican: they don't want to grab him and run to the nearest motel, but they have to.

    • Damn, those Ohians are some DIRTY corrupt sods. Santorum in their *hearts,* you say?

      • CapnFatback

        It's a clotty mix of hemoglobin and fecal matter. Not for the faint of anus.

        • I b'leev my anus just fainted. Thankyewveddymuch, Capn.


    Damn liebrals and their constant veiled references to wombs. We get it! Lady parts!
    You just wait til we have a President Santorum.

  • Negropolis

    So, our new lovely wants to get in on some of the sweet, sweet click-grift, tonight, eh? Welcome to the jungle, Becca. May I call you Becca?

    • flamingpdog

      Just don't call her late for sexytime.

  • Extemporanus

    How did the braids turn out, intrepid editrixes?

    I made need to borrow them to hang myself with if this goes on much longer…

    • RadioSlut

      Funny, guess what I saw in your latest ink blob morph? Pedobear being lynched.

      • Radio, you slut, you PROSTITUTE!! (Hugs the Radio)

        • RadioSlut

          Guess where I learned my Houdini–moniker-switch from?
          Miss you already. Abrazos.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        I see a new sheriff in town, and he's riding a unicycle.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, I skipped Raising Hope and New Girl tonight for this; and yet it's still not over yet, even as the late night talk shows are well past starting.

    • chascates

      Jowly Charlie Rose will have Intelligent Thinkers on and ask "what does it all mean"?.

    • FakaktaSouth

      If you're baiting me and my terrible TV obsession with this I will just give you what you want (I SAID I was a slut) MAN, I love me some Raising Hope and Zooey is really cute. Shut up in advance.

      • fuflans


        • FakaktaSouth

          With an 8? I have not seen that, but I bet I will on demand or netflix. I play catch up a lot, especially when I spend hours and hours on here having a come-apart about Rush.

          • fuflans

            infinity and it's pretty sweet and nasty.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Ahhh, infinity, I did not know this – that is a good little symbolic tweak. I can get with some revenge for forever and ever. I shall seek it out!

      • SorosBot

        Hey, I'm just as TV obsessed with the few shows I do watch – I'm just pissed that Fox waits a week before putting shows up on Hulu instead of putting them up the next day so I can't catch up on them tomorrow. And does anyone not love Zooey, besides crazy haters?

        • FakaktaSouth

          If they do it makes me sad for them. Oh my (evil) uverse dvr – immediate gratification is a cruel bitch of a mistress but I gots ta have it, plus, tonight Jess takes Nick to an ob-gyn because he doesn't have health insurance. Cute with a cause.

          • Barb

            I have a feeling that Sorosbot would like to be Jess' nearsighted ob-gyn doc.

          • Ahahaha. "I'm going to have to look at that a little more closely, I'm afraid."

          • SorosBot

            Now, you know I have a girlfriend who I'm loyal to! But if I were single, hell yeah. And considering that I have no health insurance, and am unemployed and almost broke – yeah that kind of hits close to home.

          • Oh, SB! I'm so sorry! Is there hope on the horizon? Will you be painfully employed soon? I shall cross all my fingers and toes for you. (No probs, I'm not doing much walking here.) (Hugs the little Bot)

            So it's Twoo Lerve, is it? YAY! Kisses to you both.

        • Biff

          I prefer sister Emily, but the slut went and had a babbie without me…

          • Because SHE knows how babby is formed, buddy.

          • Biff

            I really need to learn how to misspell babby.

          • You could do it if you weren't so goddam CHEERFUL all the time.

        • Gainsbourg69

          I fell in love with Zooey when I saw her sing the national anthem in the world series.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Do people really watch Cougartown?

    • All viewers think there might some pR0n in there eventually based on the name, so they keep watching it.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I watched five minutes of an episode once, not realizing what it was, and it was the least funny thing since the last thing Courtney Cox did.

        • You mean the Springsteen video?

          • DahBoner

            I think it was that show, that everyone said was so funny, but nothing they said was a joke?

    • SorosBot

      I prefer the original British show it was based on, Cougarton Abbey; at least before the finale where the cast all drank hemlock.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        The anal rape scene with Judi Dench and Daniel Radcliffe was unnecessary.

        • anniegetyerfun

          She really gave it to him hard, that old bat.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            Arthritic pain relief with Aleve AND a strap-on is a terrifying combination.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Pfft…you wanna know a good show? Professor Spacetime. Now THERE'S a show!

      • I still giggle when anyone says "Mr. Bates".

  • RadioSlut

    Part V, SRSLY, I was funny as hell on Part IV.

    • You screwball! I JUST LOOKED FOR YOU in *both* and found… *sniff*.. NOTHING~

  • Barb

    Nate Silver:
    The Santorum Belt

    • FakaktaSouth

      Oh crap. I don't WANT to be on the southern frontier of a Santorum belt. That's the worst possible position. It is good for my self esteem to see how many people in other states are willing to vote for this guy though. It is making my "where to go next list" easier too.

    • anniegetyerfun

      He says "belt", I say "oozing cold sore."

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I didn't want to click it, but I did.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      "I was wearing santorum on my belt, as was the fashion at the time"

    • …but slippy!

    • SudsMcKenzie

      My internet Boyfriend says what?

  • Sadly, I'm sure Fred Thompson sells a lot of reverse mortgages for AAG even with the half-screen fineprint that goes up to his chin.

  • anniegetyerfun

    "But from that point on, Schmidt has always been a lightning rod for liberals, and something of a hero for conservatives."

    Yes, people who mock or disdain veterans are always conservative heroes, aren't they?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Especially corrupt ones.

    • Barrelhse

      It's not that so much, is because she's so fucking ugly.

      • Negropolis

        It's not so much that, either, 'cause Barbara Mikulski — a great senator — ain't no beauty queen. It's that Schmidt was ugly on the inside, as if her entire constitution beneath her skin was little more than bile and venom.

  • fuflans

    buhbye jean schmidt. don't let the door hit your flag-pantsuited ass on the way out.

    • Mean Jean LOST? Oh, frabjous day, callooh, callay!

      • HuddledMass

        Yes but to Brad Wenstrup who primaried her from THE RIGHT. If you can conceive of such a thing.

        • Well, we know the Rs are all nutbags and they're in search of Twoo Puwity. With any luck or hope, the SANE citizenry will wake up in late October and run screaming for the switch that says "NOT-Republican."

  • OK, folks, I guess I can make my confession now. I dreamed last night that Mitt Romney crawled on top of me while I was blissfully asleep and ANALLY RAPED and SODOMIZED ME!!!

    I guess that was symbolic of my fears about that motherfucking sod. On the PLUS side, the election results are looking like he won't be able to symbolically anally rape and sodomize the rest of the nation, too. Also.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      and then you woke up and your pillow was bland, and there were two cadillacs outside your house?

      • I wish. I'm not even IN my house. These are not my pillows! This is not my beautiful house!

    • Hey, some of us just ate dinner, and that is TOO SOON!

      • It is NEVER too soon to fear being sodomized by Mittens. So to speak, that is.

        • redarmyzombie

          It's okay, the magic underwear prevents this sort of thing…


          • Not in my dream, it didn't.

    • flamingpdog

      Is that you, Ricky?

      • Oh, pdog, you KNOW Ricky would have been saying that in *breathless tones of delight.*

    • Barb

      It could have been worse, he could have fired you too.

    • Last night I dreamed that I played touch football with G. H. W. Bush. I blame the Wonkette.

      • You're probably right. It's all their fault.

    • I'm not listening to that shit without a psychiatry degree and an advance appointment!! I'll bill you, also.

      • You try to provide your buds with a little amusement, and THIS is what you get.

        See if I don't hold this against you. With thumbtacks.

  • Shit. Now they're letting David Gregory regurgitate the obvious.

    Where'd I leave that cyanide capsule?

    • Janinthepan

      I can only tolerate that man once a week. Speaking of which, it's like a Meet The Press reunion on the MSNBC

      • too soon! (I miss Russert).

        • Srsly. The ghost of Lawrence E. Spivak is helping me look for that cyanide, and wishing ghosts could commit suicide.

        • Janinthepan

          Awwwww, me too!! :(

    • You only got the one? Selfish, I calls it.

      Next time, get enough to SHARE.

  • I think Rebecca is losing it.

    • What is this "Rebecca" shit, and whatever happened to Our Proprietor Ken Layne? Leave y'all alone for ONE FUCKING WEEKEND and this is what happens.

      • Ken sold us like common chattel to this new girl, Rebecca. She's all right, so far. Really likes to split up the live blogs into a lot of posts, though.

        • The BASTARD!! You mean he's finally FREE of us? That dirty swine.

      • flamingpdog

        Yeah, yeah, keep talking, my friend. You and our evil overLayne both leave teh Wonkette under mysterious circumstances, on the same day, and you both hint that maybe you'll be back sometime and maybe you won't? I, the flamiingpdog, think you're the real life, gentle alter ego of Ken Layne and I want to know if ANYBODY has ever seen the two of you in one room at the same time!!!

        • Fukui-sanYesOta

          Sweet Jebus, I think you've cracked it, Holmes.

          Pristine's sudden "recovery" comes at the same time as "Layne" selling our Wonkete. Now he's back from a multi-day orgy of Dionysian proportions and claiming no knowledge.

          • And I thought we wuz FRIENDS.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            Whatever, Layne.

            (of course we are, you loon)

          • Yeah, right. Friends TRUST each other, you horrible little hobgoblin. Do I look like Mr. Depressed Out of My Mind And Also Royally Drunk to you? HUH? DO I?

            (Hugs Fukui-sanYesOta)

        • Is Ken Layne gay-married to TWO men and one woman? I mean, OK, my marriage to Biff is strictly InterNetz and all, but SRSLY, pdog. Ken Layne only DREAMS of MAH SEXXXAY sex life.

          • Hey, I posted a thing on your World Wide Web diary.

          • Hey, sweetie! Guess what, I saw honey-eaters today. They sing, and it sounds like a church organ (not the priestly kind). And they are beautiful, too! I tried your trick of making little "tsk"-ing noises and the female hopped down to where I could see her. (Hugs the li'l Wildcat) Is your camera back from the shop yet or did they give you that cool new one you wanted?

          • They fixed the broken one. My first photo safari was Monday. A few shots are up. More coming as I sort through 900 of them. Just missed a Whooping crane :(
            Pishing does work!

          • YAY! I'll go looky-loo. The honey-eaters are gorgeous, they come by really early in the morning and sing outside the window. I wish I could bring one or two for you to see and hear. But maybe someday when you're rich and famous, you'll come take some beeyootiful pitchers of them for the rest of us.

          • Are you in Australia?

          • I suppose I should say "Yes" to that.

            I went and looked on my blog, but didn't see your comment. I think it takes a long time to post from there to here. (sniff!)

    • CapnFatback

      In the Tom Cruise sense? Cuz Rush Limbaugh would like videos, please.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Cou Cou Cou Cou Cou Couuu Cougartown.

  • I lurves me some Tweety. Talk to me in that Philly accent about Amurica and Haa!! for me..

    • flamingpdog

      Could you please send some of that to me (I mean, hey, the internet is tubes). I can't seem to get drunk (enough).

      • Okay, what tube do I use? I'll send ya some boring Heineken (which is what I'm drinking).

  • That's right. Don't upset the conservatives, Fuck Toad.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Semi-legal marijuana state – why do you think she's always nipping out for a "cigarette"?

    • Good point. And she might as well get in as much as she can before L.A. cracks down on the dispensaries like the city government keeps threatening to do.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    gahhh, "Editorex" or whatever, its a marathon not a sprint.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Kucinich lost. That is a loss for vegetarianism and comedy.

    • And for breast-pocket constitutions everywhere.

      • Negropolis

        Well, Ronnie Paul is still around for the time being.

    • Isyaignert

      Dennis Kucinich is one of the most rightious dudes to ever walk the earth. He will land on his feet and help lead this fukked up nation back to its roots. Just you wait. Just you wait!

      • Nostrildamus

        Not to mention leading us all to Valinor!

  • SorosBot

    And by the way, I can't believe how many posts we've gone through; there were three, then I get on the phone for just a couple hours, and by the time we finish there are three new posts up. Keeping up is almost impossible.

    • Barb

      Sounds like someone can use some Verizon and Viagra.
      *It killed me to say this. I respect you so much. My apologies.

    • We owe it to those we lost to bed to go back and read their funnies tomorrow at work.

    • gullywompr

      But it's a good kind of tired.

    • bikerlaureate

      That almost seems to be the goal. An almost pathological fear of humungous comment-chains is a symptom of… something fishy.

    • Biff

      Sure loads faster than a single post with 9 pages.

  • SorosBot

    MSNBC calls Ohio for Romney; finally.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Huzzah! or meh. or ew. I don't know – I am exhausted. Mehewzah.
      But I can't even listen to Steve Schmidt talk about what a joke Joe the plumber is – Steve, buddy, YOU DID HIM TO US YOU BUTTHOLE. Even though you are funny now – you really tried to fuck us all and SP is also your fault, "you made a terrible mistake and you are going to have to pay for it for the rest of your life."

  • Welcome to L.A., KBJ! A few things to note: the weed is plentiful and flows like cheap wine, after one or two earthquakes you get so you barely notice 'em, it's still a Lakers town, you will at least once be ordered to answer this question: USC or UCLA? Have you seen L.A. Story? It's basically a documentary. Also, stay out of the Valley, particularly in the summer, unless you enjoy sweating.

    • anniegetyerfun

      God, I love LA Story. One of the best films ever.

      • First time I saw it, in high school, I thought it was meh. The next time I saw it I had been living here for a few months and I couldn't stop laughing. And it wasn't because my taste had grown more sophisticated and erudite. Hell, my taste still hasn't grown more sophisticated and erudite. Obviously.

    • SorosBot

      "after one or two earthquakes you get so you barely notice 'em", really? I'd think after one you'd spend the rest of your time on the West Cost hiding under something, then getting the fuck away from a part of the country where the ground might move for no reason whatsoever.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        It's actually true. I got woken up by one just yesterday and was all "meh" and pissed off because I couldn't get back to sleep.

        • Shit. We had one yesterday? Musta been small, it never even made the nooze.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            It was in the nooze – a 4 near Berkeley.

            edit: you are near here? I would like to take you out for a drink.

          • Close enough, sugartits.

            Actually, I'm on the other side of the world right now, and who knows if I'll ever see home again. We'll see, I suppose. (Hugs you) Silly, eh? We've lived next to each other for half a lifetime, I'm sure. I'm up in those hills that you can see from B-town.

      • Now you sound like my mother.

        • SorosBot

          And you sound like my girlfriend. "Oh no, that's just a 4 or whatever, it's no big deal"; yes it us a big fucking deal, the ground is shaking. No one should live where that happens.

          • Still beats being surrounded at all times by Eagles fans.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            Or Phillies fans.

          • Negropolis


          • Dood, it really isn't that big a deal. It only shakes for a minute or less, fer gooness' sake. The wildfires are MUCH worse.

      • Nah. My first scared the poop right outa me. Now unless it's over 6 on the Richter scale, I barely even look up from my 'puter. Srsly. They're not that big a deal. I lived through the 7.x one that took down the Bay Bridge and the big one that flattened Simi Valley, and other than a little sorrow for the people who got hurt by it, it was totally teh meh.

    • Biff

      Figures, all the cool women move to LA after I leave. OK, I left in 1972, but still.

  • I think it would be great if Rev. Al was suddenly overcome with Tourette's and just shouted "Cracker!" for the rest of the broadcast.

  • AddHomonym

    Ohio goes to Romney. Looks like Santorum is petering out.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Joe the Plumber won. Does anyone one care? He'll be running against Marcie Kaptur and the ghost of Dennis Kucinich.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Joe the "Plumber" has delusions of relevance and will hopefully fade from the scene forever after being trounced by La Kaptur.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        I think that's a lead-pipe cinch. Meanwhile, payback time for John McCain. He can make a campaign appearance for Joe, then not show up at the last minute.

      • CapnFatback

        Not to be that guy, but you have a quotation mark error. I believe you meant "Joe" the "Plumber."

        • Negropolis

          Not to be that that guy, but I think you meant "Joe" "the" "Plumber".

          BTW, Marcy is going to kick his bald-headed ass up and down Lake Erie and then some, from Toledo to Cleveland and back again.

          BTW x 2, the way the GOP redrew the district is an abomination against the lord.

          • MilwaukeeKent

            Okay, alright, you and Fatback win. Can we compromise on Samuel the Aspirant? Like a 6th Century martyr…

          • Samuel Teh Perspirant is wut we'll be calling him after his ass gets kicked.

          • Fukui-sanYesOta

            He'll be Sam the Unemployed and will have a huge wake-up call once he realizes that the money-drip from state Republicans dries up when you lose like a paraplegic in the Olympic 100m event.

            His idiot fame is over and he's going to find that very hard indeed.


          • I hate ID because it will not let me upfist your comment as it deserves. I shall have to return tomorrow and upfist.

          • Negropolis

            He already is Sam the Unemployed, from what I hear. When was his last honest job? Did he ever pay his back taxes?

            You know, I'd usually be really easy on folks like him. It's especially hard in Toledo in these times. But, if you're going to run on the GOP "you bums get a job!" ticket, I will show you no mercy and offer you no quarter.

          • I couldn't agree more. Times are hard and everybody deserves consideration — until they open their big fat piehole and start showing everybody ELSE the kind of mean-spirited assholishness this fucker does. THEN we stomp 'em with both feet.

            Lemme know if you need me to hold your hat while you get busy on his ass.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Well, Romney has "apparently" won Ohio according to MSNBC. An apparent win is an apparent win.

  • Joshua Norton

    Mean Jean is gone! Did she ever do anything after she got booed off the House floor that time? She thought she was going to run the wingnut show but just ended up being backgound noise.

  • RadioSlut

    You guys do know that the Ohio State secondary fight song is"Hang on Sloopy," right?

    • Barb

      Yes, and scandal, scandal, investigation, scandal, the coach quit. How Palin of him.

    • CapnFatback

      Secondary, hell. Parents are required by Ohio law to sing it instead of "Happy Birthday" at their children's parties. Likewise, failure to respond to "O-H" with "I-O" results in forced labor in the buckeye fields, stringing nuts on necklaces to be worn by inebriated college students and middle-aged suburbanites who should know better.

      Rumor has it that "Sloopy" was the first-ever non-comformist to be spirited by strongman Brutus Buckeye to a labor camp, and the entreaties for her to hang on are in fact orders from her masters to continue her work stringing the necklaces.

      Oh yes, we Ohioans know of the harrowing tale of "Hang On Sloopy." All to well.

    • BarackMyWorld

      For years of my childhood I thought it was "Hang on Snoopy," and was a song about his epic battles with the Red Baron.

  • Data Exactly

    Ohio's too close to call. Gonna have to contest this some more.

  • Joshua Norton

    Gawd! Listening to Romney is like a verbal Ambien. He's the anti-charisma. He makes Kerry look like Soupy Sales.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm just gonna bust this out again for absolutely no reason.

  • Data Exactly

    Alright – Alaska first results! Unfortunately, my source doesn't break them down into the burroughs they came in, so it's one big color indicating Mitt Romney…

  • Barb

    Newt's comment after he lost:
    "It's all right, there are lots of bunny rabbits that run through, I'm the tortoise," he said in Atlanta, Ga., after results came in from the state. "I just take one step at a time."

    Newt, you are the tortoise on your back. Take your pasty current wife, stick a fork in it, you're done.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Somewhere, Mitch McConnell popped his head out of his shell, exclaimed "TURTLE LIBEL" and started chewing ruminatively on a lettuce leaf.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      The walrus is Paul.

      • redarmyzombie

        "The sun was shining on the sea,
        Shining with all his might!
        He did his very best to make
        The billows smooth and bright;
        And this was odd, because it was
        The middle of the night!"

        • The moon was shining sulkily
          Because she thought the sun
          Had got no business to be there
          After the day was done
          "It's very rude of him," she said
          "to come and spoil the fun."

          I memorized that as a child. It still delights my heart. Let me kiss you on both cheeks for bringing it back to my mind in this troubled time. (Schmeck!)

          • redarmyzombie

            Glad I could do that fer ya! ^.^

            "The seas were wet as wet could be,
            The sands were dry as dry,
            You could not see a cloud because
            No cloud was in the sky.
            There were no birds flying overhead,
            There were no birds to fly"

    • flamingpdog

      Late-breaking helmet-hair news of the pasty current wife.

      And, honest to Darwin, I lerve womyn with prominent noses, but there is something seriously wrong with that beak.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        …Jane, his wife. Daughter Julie. Their boy Elroy…

      • Thanks for that link. I've missed Princess Sparkle Pony so. I just knew she would share my fascination with the platinum swoosh.

      • Negropolis

        Now that is one severe haircut. She could grate hard cheese with that thing.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm not surprised Newton won the Palin Family Caucus. Demagogues gotta stick together.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I just misread my own post as saying "Palin Family Circus."

      Get on it, Bill Keane! Wait, he's dead?

      Get on it, random internet cartoonist who can mimic Keane's style!

      • Stephan Pastis.

      • Negropolis

        I just misread my own post as saying "Palin Family Circus."

        I did, too, but it works both ways.

        I know, I know; that's what she said. Happy, now?

  • barto

    I thought Ohio got redistricted to Mississippi. Oh well, silly me…

  • usernameguy

    Hey, guys. So, um. Does anyone know where the Archmage's quarters is (are?) in Oblivion? I'm supposed to put some shit in a chest, and then it'll become lots of shit. And I can do stuff with it.

    Also, I am sadness for the Elfking, and the loss of (looking at) his wife.

    Update: I found it! It's in the fuckoff big tower, not the Mage's quarters. Looks like I'm handy with a blade!

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I used to play Oblivion, then I put a bunch of shit in a chest which became alot.

  • Steverino247

    Ohio's only a win in the vote total, but they should pretty much evenly split the delegates. Mitt Romulan needs to seriously stomp the other three guys and 35% wins isn't getting it done. Newt's going to remain in the race just to keep his phone ringing another day.

    • Negropolis

      Santorum is so incomptent that he's not even going to get delegates from the district he based his campaign headquarters in because he didn't field a team of delegates for the district, the dumbass. Plus, I hear Romney also won most of the districts, more than the percentage of the popular vote.

    • CNN says Mittens has ~330 delegates, and Sick, who is second to him in numbers, has ~150 delegates, so at this point, it looks as if Ricky doesn't have a fucking PRAYER of catching up to Mittenzie. Newt, at 93, and Ron Paul at ~60, have sufficient delegates to keep Mittens from winning big like he needs to.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        It'll be Wiltard, but look at that anti-Rmoney sentiment. Lovely. In my ideal world that means that wingtard/independent voter turnout will be depressed and Bammaz landslides the whole shebang in November.

        • YES! YES! YESSSS! (Orgasms, dies)

          You just made my night.

          • Biff

            Wait–isn't your night, like, day?

          • Not quite. For example, my computer clock claims it's around 5 pm your time right now, but it's midday here.

            G'day, mate!

          • Biff

            But you're having a better tomorrow, tomorrow, like Colbert promised us all. Anyway, good luck with your sister, hope all goes well, and I hope we don't get banhammered from this joint just because…

          • I'm kissing the New Editrix' ass as hard as I can.

            TYVM for the good wishes.

  • mayor_quimby

    The assholes on abc in ATL preempted Cougar Town for newts speech, and I didn't realize it until watching on dvr just now. Some program director is getting a kick in the cunt on my way toworktomorrow.

  • Steverino247

    OK. Fearless prediction. Unless somebody really screws up, this will go until the Utah "winner take all" primary on June 26th gives it to Romney.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Looks like Rmonet has it in ice-goober land at the moment.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I guess there weren't as many Palins there as I thought.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        CNN have called it for Rmonet with an awesome 4300 voters or so.

        I guess people just don't give a shit in Alaska unless it involves a Palin, a snowmobile or alcoholic fights.

  • savethispatient

    Chris Matthews just said the phrase "Santorum Backflow". Ick.

  • Oh. Well, that's not so bad then.


  • Meet Jean Schmidt's opponent: NRA for Life, lover of the small business owner, and doctor who has this to say on his Website, "I am strongly pro-life and believe that life begins at conception. I’m a proud supporter of Family First and Right to Life. One of the dangers inherent in Obamacare is that federal funding for abortion will be codified." That's Brad Wenstrup. Dr. Brad Wenstrup and former Lt. Colonel to you.

    At least Mean Jean was hilarious. This one just reads talking points handed to him by John Boehner.

    OK, I've done my work. Night, all.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • mormos

      Keep fuckin' that chicken!

    • Z Crudmonger

      Gah, this horse is short a beating.

    • Biff

      Hey, for yahoo, those are pretty funny comments!

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    The Bexster quit early for a left-coaster. C'est la vie.

    Moar early morning posts for us!

  • ttommyunger

    I hate to lose Kucinich in Congress, but he has never been an effective legislator due to his scorched earth attitude. Marcy has impressed me over the years and will probably be more of an asset to the left than Dennis. OT: looks like my man won Georgia, hee, hee. This is the first time in many years I've actually cast a vote for a winning candidate in this benighted State…Let the RepubliKlan Clusterfuck Continue!

    • Negropolis

      And we thank you for your electoral service to god and country, because casting a vote for that bloated amphibian puts your sanity and decency in harms way.

      • ttommyunger

        I figured it was the least I could do for Barry.

        • FakaktaSouth

          I don't know what the deal is with who can vote in the primary here, as this has never been a thing I would have done before (kinda like golden showers – just NO, so gross) BUT if I can and it will help with anything I will do whatever I have to. Sometimes, "upon us all, a little rain must fall." And if I have to get peed on by a few ankle biting Santorum suckers/ Newty booty lickers, to be a problem for these fucks, I'm in.

          • ttommyunger

            Lots of peeps who claim to be smarter than me claim that whatever we can do to prolong, confuse and promote more of this RepubliKlan self-flaggelation the better it will be for Barry's reelection prospects. Ergo, I joined the ranks of the Legions of mouth-breathers (temporarily) who won Georgia for the Doughy Pantload. I feel both elated and somewhat soiled, but then that is normal for me.

          • Consider yourself thanked by the grateful multitudes. Just knowing that Mittens will have Santorum on his tail and Newt gassing along behind him makes me unreasonably HAPPY! Happy! Happy, happy, joy, JOY!!

          • ttommyunger

            Ren or Stimpy? Who cares, I love them both.

          • Surely there's some kind of award for those like you and ttommy who risk life and limb (not to mention getting pissed on, or off) for The Cause.

            Where is that CREature who hands out dem t'ings?

    • Marcy Kaptur v. Joe the Dumber in the battle for the Lake Erie shore. That should be a snarkalicious race for our Editrix to keep on a short leash.

      • ttommyunger

        Yes! (wipes drool from mouth)

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    God keeps telling Santorum to run for preznident. God keeps giving the important states to Mitt by razor-thin margins. Santorum doesn't ever stop to think, "Hey, wait a minute…"

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      and he never sees the angel moroni beating up yahweh in the parking lot

      • C_R_Eature

        Wait till Santa Claus gets there. He'll kick both of their asses.

        • Should we tell Ganesha that Bony Moroni said Lakshmi sells it on the corner?

      • Z Crudmonger

        and he also misses yahweh's postmortem baptism. Also.

    • It waz you, warn'it? All dressed up wiv a fake white beard and stuff, and leading that Santorum on?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Indeed, sir. You have the right of it.

  • C_R_Eature

    Mourning Joe's on my screen now, by an egregious oversight on my part. He's solidly in the Denial phase on the 5 Stages of Grief.

    Yeah, Workin' Class Murkans really have so much more in common with Mitt Romney than Barack Obama. And that's possibly the least stupid thing he's said today.

    • Negropolis

      Morning Joe is kind of a guilty pleasure. Well, it's more like I use it for opposition research; you can hear what the other side is saying without actually have to defile yourself with Fox News.

      Seems to me that they are past Denial, and on full-blown Acceptance. What I'm hearing from Joe is that he's accepted that Romney's going to be the nominee, and Tweety is trying to comfort him by reminding him that the country's racism can yet still catch up to Obama in the general, and Joe's all trying to agree, but still looks as dejected and hopeless as a frog on a freeway.

    • FakaktaSouth

      That shit has happened to me TWO days in a row now. Today I was awoken by them singing Southern Man a la Mitt Romney. My whole day should not be determined by this – but I feel sketchier than normal. Damn you all to helllllllll!!!

    • freakishlywrong

      Despise the asshole. But, before I raced for the remote, I did hear him babbling about how Mittens could wipe the floor with Barry in a debate. Holy shit, Joe. Really?

      • You're fucking shitting me. Mittens? Mr. "I-Stammer-So-Badly-U-Can't-Understand-Me" with the nasal HONKIN' HONKY voice is going to wipe the floor with Barack "Golden Tones" Obama, the most mellifluous, articulate, clear, lucid, KING OF THE SPEECH???

        HAHAHAHA. Sweet Jezus, these people are insane. Fucking INSANE. All Barack has to do is open his mouth and the little babies are all cooing and smooching on him, and every female within a 6-mile radius is feeling the need for a fresh, DRY pair of underroos. And this guy thinks Mittens is gonna beat him?

    • Oy, gevalt, oy vey is mir!

  • freakishlywrong

    Why do I get the feeling our first post today will be at around 4 pm? Save us Obi Wan Ginger, you're our only hope!

  • MSNBC: Realistically, it will be impossible for any candidate to reach 1,144 delegates before May.

    I appears that Margaret & Helen were correct yesterday, when they reported that on Moron Day, sometimes called Super Tuesday, Rush Limpblow saw his shadow and we will have six more weeks of stupidity. Oh the snark shall be the richer for it.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Now that the dust's has settled, basically what happened was that Rmoney could barely put away the guy who lost his last election by 16 points?

    • Z Crudmonger

      Clown car libel!!

  • finallyhappy

    And why does a ny of this matter? You know that at the GOP convention, something will swoop down(or emerge from the ground) and devour them all. That said -Happy Purim tonight-they tried to kill us, they failed and now I am baking hamentaschen

    • Oooh, I want a Haman's hat! Wiv poppyseed!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Kucinich: I'M A BARD

    OBAMA: That's nice.


    MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.


  • Steverino247

    Alaska results: Romney 32.6%, Santorum 29%, Paul 24%, Gingrich 14.2%

    These people are voting, they're GUESSING!

  • This choir USUALLY says Amen! to any kind of drink or drugz. I knowz mah audience.

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