the founders are watching porn

Super Tuesday Liveblog Part V: Mitt Visits Yoda, Cloud City, & Ohio

Will Mittens lose Ohio to Weird Rick? We don’t know, is the thing! The two losers are still neck and neck as 65% 85% or so of precincts have been counted. The cable news channels are beginning to talk about important vote mini-clusters in small counties. This usually means we’ll be here until 5 a.m. waiting for some 90-year-old poll volunteer to come out of a cabin in the woods and turn in the 15 decisive votes that had been missing all night. Let’s type about it! (See liveblogs one, two, three, and four, for further trenchant Super Tuesday political commentary.)

10:34 — Could someone email JIM AT WONKETTE DOT COM when the Kaptur-Kucinich House primary is called? Your Wonkette is too busy typing about politics to know anything about politics.
10:38 — Lightning-fingered commenter “Barb” shares this photo from some restaurant. It’s a powerful reminder of what real leaders look like. George W. Bush is in the photo, too.

10:41 — CNN suggests — get this — that Mitt Romney still has trouble winning people over. He will have to work on this! And here we watch this, like suckers. They just replay the tape of the panel discussion from Iowa caucus night over and over every primary night now. The 2008 Iowa caucus night.
10:44 — It all comes down to Ohio, it all comes down to Ohio! (What comes down to Ohio?) The Ohio primary comes down to Ohio! Everyone dust off your Ken Blackwell/Diebold/John Kerry theories while we sit here, in boredom.
10:49 — Santorum is winning many parts of Ohio… that have been 100% counted so far.
10:54 — Oh come on: “@ChuckTodd reports NBC News will NOT call Ohio TONIGHT.” Does this mean we have to go back to our lives soon? Ugh.
10:57 — Most annoying, hackneyed debate/election night pundit line of this election cycle that must never be said anymore because it’s a joke of extremely limited comedic return: “The winner tonight? Barack Obama!”
11:00 — Ooh, 11:00, time for CNN to pretend to restart its coverage for the 17th time tonight.
11:01 — “Plenty of time for stuff to happen” — Wolf Blitzer.
11:02 — “We say it boldly, and we say it exclusively: Romney is slightly ahead of Santorum in Ohio” — Wolf Blitzer.
11:02 — “We’ll be watching Ohio very, very closely” — Wolf Blitzer.
11:07 — Wolf Blitzer is paid a lot of money to speak on television.
11:09 — “We’ll continue to watch what happens in Ohio” — Wolf Blitzer.
11:10 — Roll Call: “With 65% reporting, Marcy Kaptur leads Dennis Kucinich 57%-39% in #OH09. Hard to see how he makes up that margin.” Sounds good to this Wonkette writer! Throw your tomatoes right here, right at the browser.
11:13 — ***DING DING DING NBC News projects Mitt Romney wins… the Idaho caucus! Great! And that’s your Quadrennial Wonkette Typing Of The Word “Idaho,” Barring Gay Sex Scandals.
11:17 — From Benjy Sarlin at TPM: “‘I don’t want to miss a thing’ comes on at Santorum party to audible, visual groans.” It’s gotta be Rick Santorum’s favorite song, right? Either that or the Goo Goo Dolls song from the City of Angels soundtrack.
11:22 — “Let’s go out to the Taco Bell Arena” — Wolf Blitzer. It’s a simple statement of fact! And yet can we get an audio clip of Wolf Blitzer saying that, anyway, to embed on America’s grave?
11:24 — Romney up 5,100 in Ohio with 90% reporting. They could call it but they’re not. And we could have a recount! WHO WOULDN’T LOVE THAT.
11:30 — John King is showing how Romney is getting all of his primary votes in parts of the state — cities, suburbs — that would go to Obama in the general, and this is a problem. It’s the opposite of the 2008 Democratic contest, when pundits showed how Obama was getting all of his primary votes in parts of the state — cities, suburbs — that he’d already get in the general, and this was a problem. Is it better for primary candidates to maximize votes in their base or not? No one asks this question. Ha ha, it’s 11:30.

11:38 — RELIEF HAS COME! Here’s Rebecca and/or Kirsten taking you into Late Nite, with a NEW LIVEBLOG! Go! Goodbye.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. C_R_Eature

      I would have worn one of those silly hats just to get within Nut-Kicking distance of that evil scumbag,

          1. FROTHY

            Run away with me. We'll drag the rest of the Wonketz along, steal a few billion, and find a tropical island with little floaty brollies in the drinks.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Come back to us Frothman. We and the rest of the Wonkeratti will Get so Weird that all the assholes will flee, in Fear and Loathing to the Moon where Gingrich can be their decadent President.

          3. FROTHY

            Watchu talkin' about, Willis? Y'all already so goddamn weird, it's a miracle those mofos haven't hotfooted it to the nearest habitable planet. (Hugs the CREature)

          4. FROTHY

            ANZ offers a FINE selection of their wines and champagnes, but they just wouldn't DO the little brollies. How can a person enjoy a nice glass of Cloudy Bay wivout a paper brolly? I'm'a travel wiv YOU in future.

          1. FROTHY

            Not exactly, sweetums. I'm still out here in the land down under, where the natives walk on their heads. Been checking out SuperToosdee, but The Patient has not returned from her jaunt into the Real World for about four hours now, and I'm worrying. Tsk!

  1. Negropolis

    Chuck Toad is saying that NBC might not even call it, tonight, if Cuyahoga doesn't get it's fucking act together, already.

    1. OzoneTom

      Cuyahoga — I had a project for a few months in that area. Lotta pretty gals.

      And by "pretty" I mean that contraceptives were provided by their health insurance.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Cleveland, city of light! city of magic!
      Cleveland, city of light, you're calling me
      Cleveland, even now I can remember
      'Cause the Cuyahoga River
      Goes smokin' through my dreams

      Burn on, big river, burn on
      Burn on, big river, burn on

    3. Janinthepan

      I know Medina county is one of those that can't get their votes in. Fuck that place of my birth.

    4. glasspusher

      Cuyahoga county rocks! It's one of the most liberal in Ohio. I was there for 5 years in grad school- case western. Ahhhhh…not as nice as sf bay, where I am now, but ok for 5 years.

    1. Preferred Customer

      There's been a lot of loose talk tonight about Santorum friendly states. I do not want to go to there.

      1. NYNYNYjr

        Literally, figuratively, mathmaticaly, spiritually, analy, monsterously, technically, especially…do not want to go there.

  2. littlebigdaddy

    Apparently, the santorum is spreading. I would say this is a public health disasater.

  3. MadBrahms

    Mitt may want to reconsider visiting Jabba's palace. He may be rich, but he also tortures and disassembles robots for pleasure. (NERD)

  4. Negropolis

    Oh, fuck. Romney's closing the gap, again. Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you an election, it seems.

    1. MadBrahms

      If there's one thing we can be sure of, it's that Santorum lives and dies by the size of the gap.

    1. flamingpdog

      With all the Hopey-mandated free birf control pills, it's gonna be one big porking lot.

    1. tessiee

      He had to stand by at the local TV station in order to live broadcast the election.
      "It's. Romney. It's. Santorum. It's. Romney." etc.

  5. obfuscator2

    do swing states become swing states simply by being utterly fucking inept at reporting vote totals?

  6. BarackMyWorld

    Chuck's analysis about Romney needing to shore up his support in the south is SAD considering he's a Republican, and they've been consistently carrying the south since 1980…

    Fuck, man, even Bob Dole carried the south…

    1. DahBoner

      But he's a Yankee from "New England", which is ironic, because the American Southern accent is mostly English..

  7. Negropolis

    Who is the Catholic saint of finding shit? 'Cause Santorum needs to find some more votes, somewhere.

    1. tessiee

      St. Anthony — and don't be talkin' bad about him, because he's my patron saint, even though I'm an atheist.

    2. FROTHY

      St. Anthony, I think. Unless you're female and looking for a husband, in which case, St. Anne. If you're male and looking for a husband, it's St. SOL.

  8. NYNYNYjr

    Trivia: 'Chyron' comes from the Greek- he was the man who used to pull the news scroll across the ground during plays.

  9. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I do like the way Blitzer has to stand on his little lobo-shelf to make him look the same height as John King.

  10. BarackMyWorld

    As entertaining as it is, Martin Bashir's Prince Charles metaphor is pretty damn pointless.

  11. flamingpdog

    If onlythe final result of the Republican primary in Ohio could be "Four de-ead in O-hi-o".

    OT: From The Onion, words of comfort for Sagittariuses: "Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21 It's true that no man is an island, but all bullshit humanistic hand-wringing aside, it's totally okay to be happy that malignant Breitbart asshole is gone forever."

  12. chascates

    When will we reach a point, caucus-wise, when everyone except Uncle Goldbug Paul will drop out and leave Mittens alone?

      1. FROTHY

        It has to be the very height of irony that Citizens' United, which ruling was loudly cheered by Repuglycuntz everywhere, has fucked them over so bad.

    1. flamingpdog

      "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?" – Homer Simpson, 2004

  13. Data Exactly

    This was a terrible night for Ron Paul – he sucked in District 23 of North Dakota! Ron! Man, I thought better of you!

  14. Barb

    Elliot Spitzer says that Santorum is "thinking about 2016." You would think that he would stop at just 7 children.

    1. tessiee

      Although it's not clear whether he plans to have them in the usual way, or just find them along the Appalachian Trail.

  15. Jukesgrrl

    Jesus, we've worn out all the Wonkettes and we're back to our Wonket. Thanks for staying up with us, Jim. Love from the Mountain Time Zone.

      1. chascates

        I think there are still a load of those Wonkette T-shirts around unless Ken kept them to use as towels.

  16. rocktonsam

    My fondest memory of Stupid Tuesday was on FOX NEWS when they had Magyn Kelly and $arah Palin on split screen and oh never mind.

  17. Barb

    Sarah Palin Says 'Anything Is Possible' When Asked About Possible Presidential Run.
    Anything but this bitch winning is possible.

    VERCAMMEN: Sarah Palin for President, 2016 — is it possible?
    Gov. PALIN: Anything in this life, in this world, is possible. Anything is possible for an American. I don't discount any idea or plan at the point isn't in my control. Anything is possible.

    VERCAMMEN: But would you seriously consider a run?

    Gov. PALIN: I would seriously consider whatever I can do to help our country, to put things back on the right track. Our economy, the foreign policy, proposals we have to see put forward in order to secure our homeland, and the Americans especially, our brave fighting men and women overseas right now in places perhaps we shouldn't be right now, anything I can do to help, I will be willing to help."

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      I think you were on the Arugula course when she said this.

      I should really eat some dinner.

    2. user-of-owls

      I would seriously consider whatever I can do to help our country

      Exile would be a nice start.

    3. chascates

      Our economy, the foreign policy, proposals we have to see put forward in order to secure our homeland, and the Americans especially, our brave fighting men and women overseas right now in places perhaps we shouldn't be right now, anything I can do to help, I will be willing to help.

      God, she's like a circus contortionist with a single sentence.

      1. Barb

        When questioned about what the VEEP does, she choked. Imagine her brilliant answer to what the POTUS does.

    4. flamingpdog

      Anything but this bitch winning is possible.

      On the other hand, this bitch whining is undoubtedly still in our future. Sigh.

      Hey Barb, how ya doin' these days?

      1. Barb

        I'm doing really well, Sugar Britches, thanks for asking.
        The more I hear Sarah talking the more I think that she thinks she's going to be asked to run after a brokered convention. It's the lazy bitch road to the White House. Barack Obama wakes up every morning with pieces of this woman in his stool. The debates would be hilarious!

    5. tessiee

      "VERCAMMEN: Sarah Palin for President, 2016 — is it possible?"

      Oh, for shit's sake, NO!
      NOOOOOOO!!! *yells at sky in rainstorm*
      Shut up, you fucking moron!
      We were all through! She'd finally gone the hell away and we were all making fun of Santorum as the lord god king dunce instead, and we were HAPPY, dammit! — and then YOU, vercammen, YOU had to go and poke the hornet's nest!
      Now we'll have to go through another 3 or 4 years of this runny discharge before her battery winds down and she wanders off into the woods somewhere.
      Thanks a whole big bunch.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Goddammit! The only news I want to hear about That Woman will be delivered by a horde of ecstatic, garishly dressed Midginets singing "…She's gone where the Goblins go, Yo ho, Yoho Yoho Yoho Yoho!"

    1. flamingpdog

      Why did I have the thought pop into my head that he probably would have little trouble running people over?

  18. C_R_Eature

    The 5 Scariest and Most Nauseating words, together, in the English language:

    "Rick Santorum, Republican Presidential Nominee."

    Gee, thanks, Rachel.

      1. C_R_Eature

        That was Horrible and I still have nightmares. Some people apparently think that it's funny or educational to have such dangerous cranks come so close to the center of such Civilization Destroying power, but I never thought so.
        I don't like roller coasters, or slasher movies either, for much the same reason.

    1. tessiee

      Really, I don't understand this.
      How in the hell, fuck, bitch, sissy, doody, crap did this stupid, crazy, and repulsive closet case come within a hundred light-years of running for President? How did he get even one vote, even from his wife?
      I don't understand this at all, and I suspect that if I *did* understand it, I'd feel even worse.

      1. C_R_Eature

        There's a lot of really crazed people out there. That part doesn't bother me much. Hell, I'm not exactly normal. However, Whatever else I may be I am Rational and it really bothers me that so many people have just run headlong from Rationality towards Crazytown. On purpose.

  19. Wadisay

    Cold, robotic, twitchy, randy to be president, repellent, rich, vile vulture capitalist, pandering, full of hateful ideas as he is, there's something about the way this whole race is shaking out that almost makes me feel sorry for Romney. Almost. Fuck him anyway.

    1. Barb

      "Randy to be President." Shit, if a guy named Randy, any Randy, he's be spanking all of these ass clowns.

  20. MilwaukeeKent

    Why the GOP race won't end before the convention:
    Gingrich has a grudge.
    Romney has a strategy.
    Santorum has a crusade.
    Ron Paul has a cause.

    Paul is the walrus. Which one's Pink?

    1. MosesInvests

      And if I tell you the name of the game, boys-we call it ridin' the gravy trai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ain….
      That's what this is all about, amirite?

      1. FROTHY

        Well, yeah, but Syd Barrett is like SO fucking dead awreddy and we got all these goddamn pinky-white dumbass mothafuckas to worry about.

    2. tessiee

      "Which one's Pink?"

      Syd Barrett on his worst day was more lucid than Santorum on his best.

        1. C_R_Eature

          "thats  teribal". Moran.

          I've been taking these just after each Republican debate. They're not as much fun as you might think.

        1. FROTHY

          Come bug me for a hug the next time you're sad, sweetie. I'll give you some serious heartlifting love and hugs. (Squeeze)

    1. tessiee

      I like the comment under the blowing up the whale video where the guy's wife is asking him, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE DAMN CAR, JOHN??

  21. DaRooster

    “We say it boldly, and we say it exclusively: Romney is slightly ahead of Santorum in Ohio”

    Please… something hold back the Santorum.

    1. Barb

      I think the many sphincters of the Republican party should ban together to hold back the Santorum.

  22. littlebigdaddy

    Ooh! MIchael Steele is on MSNBC. Too bad his cute dog is not. And he is not talking at all about lesbian strippers. WTF?

    1. Negropolis

      That's the first rule of Lesbian Stripper Club: You don't talk about lesbian stripper clubs.

  23. Gainsbourg69

    I didn't know Michael Steele was the one responsible for turning the republican primary into a three ring circus. His incompetence is epic.

    1. Barb

      Did you notice the white tie with the HUGE brown polka dots he was wearing. We all know where he was when the Santorum hit the fan.

  24. chascates

    So next Tuesday is Mississippi and Alabama. Unlike Wolf Blitzer I'll go ahead and call both states for a close tie between Gingrich and Santorum. With Robert E. Lee getting second place as a write-in.

  25. Data Exactly

    I see a little pooch of Romney counties in the south-west of Ohio's map, looking patiently at a treat…

    1. tessiee

      Isn't she that lady who owned a baseball team and made racist remarks about the players of said team?

    2. HuddledMass

      Yeah, defeated in the primary by a MORE right-wing Republican. Can there be such a thing?

  26. flamingpdog

    10:57 — Most annoying, hackneyed debate/election night pundit line of this election cycle that must never be said anymore because it’s a joke of extremely limited comedic return: “The winner tonight? Barack Obama!"

    I guess that's one less meme on teh Wonkette, eh?

  27. onemoretime79

    Youre not like suckers, my brave intrepid Wonkette reporters. Youre like eaters, woh. (!)

  28. Fukui-sanYesOta

    "Update at 11:15 p.m. — Results with 73% of precincts reporting as follows: Dennis Kucinich 42%, Marcy Kaptur 54%, Graham Veysey 4%"

    It's not called yet.

    1. Negropolis

      I hope Marcy pulls this out. Kucinich has just been horrible in the past few years, both with who he's handled the redistricting and then even before then.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        It's looking pretty good for her:

        "Update at 11:31 p.m. — Results with 79% of precincts reporting as follows: Dennis Kucinich 38%, Marcy Kaptur 58%, Graham Veysey 4%."

    1. FROTHY

      If he were worth a toenail of Kerry's! There's a lot to be said about Kerry, but most of it is good. The same is not true of RMONEY.

  29. chascates

    Our Lady of Outrage may yet want another chance at VEEP:
    “I think the definition of hypocrisy is for Rush Limbaugh to have been called out, forced to apologize and retract what it is that he said in exercising his First Amendment rights and never is that the same applied to the leftist radicals who say such horrible things about the handicapped, about women, about the defenseless,” Palin told CNN in an interview from Wasilla, Alaska.

  30. tessiee

    "the leftist radicals who say such horrible things about the handicapped, about women, about the defenseless,”

    No, Sarah, you're confused as usual — those are the voices in your head.

  31. FROTHY

    Wait, remind me again, fellas. HTH did I end up with a bunch of fucking demented bozos like yourselves again?

    Oh, right. I came over here of my own free will. Fine. Thanks a whole fucking LOT.

  32. ttommyunger

    Thanks for posting the pix of Chimpy. Being reminded that he is history always makes me feel better.

Comments are closed.