We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a high school gym in “Stupidville, Ohio.” Isn’t this fun, kids? Boy 2008 was just a warm-up round for this kind of excitement. Rick Santorum reports that freedom has pretty much died in America, which is such old news that we are inclined to rule this statement proof that Rick Santorum is even more stupid than Wolf Blitzer. Let us continue our liveblog of torture and tears!
9:32 — Rick Santorum has said a thing: “Barack Obama believes that he can do things better than other people.” This is a belief that absolutely no other American has.
9:33 — Rebecca makes a true observation, that Rick Santorum’s daughter or relative or whoever “on the left” in CNN’s camera frame looks like Bristol Palin. It is probably Bristol Palin. Rick Santorum probably had sex with Sarah Palin.
9:42 — Oh look opening act Rick Santorum has decided to crawl back into his coffin in the church basement. Mitt Romney’s turn to speak now!
9:45 — Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney both promised their wives certain filthy favors to open their victory speeches tonight! Ann Romney is talking now, saying, “we couldn’t have done this with you.” Don’t be such a fatalist, Ann. Rick Santorum’s wife didn’t speak first, because Rick Santorum hates women.
9:48 — Mitt is listing off all the places he has visited in the United States. “Tarmacs, airport tarmacs.” Just to be clear. None of those canoe tarmacs. They are socialist.
9:55 — Here is a weird thing about Mitt’s flip-flopping audience that we notice: they are unable to determine whether they are supposed to boo or applaud each time he completes a sentence. They will do both! Just to cover the bases.
9:58 — Here is a tip for Mitt: do not start every single sentence with “Barack Obama is ruining your life by doing _____, and I will fix it by wiping my boogers on the dog while I sit in the Oval Office, since the government is not allowed to fix anything.” It is confusing the audience. They do not know whether to be happy or sad.
10:00 — God, can CNN please interrupt RMoney with some new results?
10:01 — “Tomorrow we wake up and start again. And tomorrow, we’ll do the same.” Mitt Romney promises America will live in a 1993 Bill Murray movie if he is elected president.
10:04 — TEN O FOUR PM guyz, WOLF BLITZER has at last ruled that he “would like to focus on Ohio.” He said it with a voice like, THERE IS A STATE NAMED OHIO? There is, Wolf. They voted today. About some stuff.
10:06 — We just listened to two minutes of noise coming out of the television set while it was picking up the CNN frequency, but we did not notice anything because the Magic Eye pattern on John King’s tie makes us feel like we are on mushrooms. Something happened in North Dakota. There was some wind blowing? Something, we couldn’t pay attention.
10:09 — We glanced up at CNN again after looking away for a second and the words “Tight Santorum” were the first two words we saw. No, CNN, we are not going to read the rest of your vulgar chyron. Jesus.
10:10 — Rick Santorum won North Dakota! This means four people voted for him there.
10:15 — There is some kind of debate going on among your editors in their top secret chatroom about “why did Rick Santorum win North Dakota when he was not supposed to.” Are there any readers from North Dakota who can shed light on this, or any “North Dakota Mexicans” from South Dakota who can explain what the hell is going on?
10:24 — God CNN is so surreal tonight. We are watching the “virtual convention” Call of Duty video game murder game murder thing on CNN, that will take place in “Tampon, Florida” according to what we just heard. Is CNN a news channel? This is what news journalism looks like, a cheap cartoon of death:
10:33 — Oh thank Lucifer, Jim Newell is here to TAG TEAM IN CAPTAIN AMERICA GO YESSSSSS.