SUFFER WITH US  9:38 pm March 6, 2012

Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Why does Mitt hate tacos?!

We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a high school gym in “Stupidville, Ohio.” Isn’t this fun, kids? Boy 2008 was just a warm-up round for this kind of excitement. Rick Santorum reports that freedom has pretty much died in America, which is such old news that we are inclined to rule this statement proof that Rick Santorum is even more stupid than Wolf Blitzer. Let us continue our liveblog of torture and tears!

9:32 — Rick Santorum has said a thing: “Barack Obama believes that he can do things better than other people.” This is a belief that absolutely no other American has.

9:33 — Rebecca makes a true observation, that Rick Santorum’s daughter or relative or whoever “on the left” in CNN’s camera frame looks like Bristol Palin. It is probably Bristol Palin. Rick Santorum probably had sex with Sarah Palin.

9:42 — Oh look opening act Rick Santorum has decided to crawl back into his coffin in the church basement. Mitt Romney’s turn to speak now!

9:45 — Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney both promised their wives certain filthy favors to open their victory speeches tonight! Ann Romney is talking now, saying, “we couldn’t have done this with you.” Don’t be such a fatalist, Ann. Rick Santorum’s wife didn’t speak first, because Rick Santorum hates women.

9:48 — Mitt is listing off all the places he has visited in the United States. “Tarmacs, airport tarmacs.” Just to be clear. None of those canoe tarmacs. They are socialist.

9:55 — Here is a weird thing about Mitt’s flip-flopping audience that we notice: they are unable to determine whether they are supposed to boo or applaud each time he completes a sentence. They will do both! Just to cover the bases.

9:58 — Here is a tip for Mitt: do not start every single sentence with “Barack Obama is ruining your life by doing _____, and I will fix it by wiping my boogers on the dog while I sit in the Oval Office, since the government is not allowed to fix anything.” It is confusing the audience. They do not know whether to be happy or sad.

10:00 — God, can CNN please interrupt RMoney with some new results?

10:01 — “Tomorrow we wake up and start again. And tomorrow, we’ll do the same.” Mitt Romney promises America will live in a 1993 Bill Murray movie if he is elected president.

10:04 — TEN O FOUR PM guyz, WOLF BLITZER has at last ruled that he “would like to focus on Ohio.” He said it with a voice like, THERE IS A STATE NAMED OHIO? There is, Wolf. They voted today. About some stuff.

10:06 — We just listened to two minutes of noise coming out of the television set while it was picking up the CNN frequency, but we did not notice anything because the Magic Eye pattern on John King’s tie makes us feel like we are on mushrooms. Something happened in North Dakota. There was some wind blowing? Something, we couldn’t pay attention.

10:09 — We glanced up at CNN again after looking away for a second and the words “Tight Santorum” were the first two words we saw. No, CNN, we are not going to read the rest of your vulgar chyron. Jesus.

10:10 — Rick Santorum won North Dakota! This means four people voted for him there.

10:15 — There is some kind of debate going on among your editors in their top secret chatroom about “why did Rick Santorum win North Dakota when he was not supposed to.” Are there any readers from North Dakota who can shed light on this, or any “North Dakota Mexicans” from South Dakota who can explain what the hell is going on?

10:24 — God CNN is so surreal tonight. We are watching the “virtual convention” Call of Duty video game murder game murder thing on CNN, that will take place in “Tampon, Florida” according to what we just heard. Is CNN a news channel? This is what news journalism looks like, a cheap cartoon of death:

10:33 — Oh thank Lucifer, Jim Newell is here to TAG TEAM IN CAPTAIN AMERICA GO YESSSSSS.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 300 comments }

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Right now I could go for a good old crazy Ron Paul speech. Did he win anything?

poncho_pilot March 6, 2012 at 9:43 pm

a trip to the glue factory?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm

HA!

Data Exactly March 6, 2012 at 9:46 pm

What are they going to glue him to?!?

chascates March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

A cross of gold.

poncho_pilot March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Rand. they will share Rand's healthier, younger organs. Ron will be on his back and unable to look at anything but the past.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"World's Best Grandpa"?

BerkeleyBear March 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

The right to a discount at the Country Kitchen Buffet, goddammit!

twoeightnine March 6, 2012 at 11:05 pm

All the Ameros.

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 9:42 pm

The undisputed heavyweight sister-wife is introducing Mittens.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Shoulder pads!
Ugh!

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I think they're natural. EVUHbody has them on Kolob.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 9:44 pm

It's almost Pooper Wednesday by now.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Does CNN no longer have the holograms?

Maman March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I think they save that for the general election.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

John King took them home for his baby to play with.

mayor_quimby March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Can't break them out for little shit like this – they require highly enriched uranium

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Of course Wolf Blitzer's still there.

LagunaB March 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I just made a large batch of gravy. Anyone for some linguine and sauce?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm

That would go down better than this shit.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Gravy gets Fukui-sanYesOta all hot and bothered.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Really? Man, that guy is nine kinds of strange. (makes note in book)

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Why not, I've already eaten EVERYthing in sight from sheer nerves. Geez.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I AM TELLING y'all – Mitt has a massive religion problem here – and now they've riled all the jesus freaks up. And they WILL NOT SHOW UP HERE FOR HIM – even if it's because of Massachusetts and all the serious back and forth on every single thing. I still say it ain't gonna just be okay, we'll do this for Mitt. They really won't. The ones I know who WOULD vote for Mitt truly truly have given up.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

So you're saying Mitt has to get a Southern Strategy real fast?

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

There ain't shit this guy can do. I swear HE really IS too "other" – you think they hate a black dude? I am telling you, Mormonism will put these folks over the edge and his floppiness will give them the excuse for their inherent bigotry. Plus, he's terrible and says stuff so fucking dumb even we can hear it.

MissNancyPriss March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

the mormonism makes him really weird. there is no explaining it, it just is.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

It ain't just him either. Fattums McWifey, with her "little cottage in the Hamptons" and "I don't consider myself wealthy" has enough tin in her ears to provide him with another pair.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

She truly is the heavy weight champion of dual-cadillac driving, Lovey Howell stupid. Very helpful.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Well of course she doesn't consider herself wealthy. It's so gauche to talk about money, don't you think?

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

fakakta you are our southern war correspondent reporting behind enemy lines.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I really am gonna put in for a transfer one day. I wanna point and laugh for once! I'm GREAT at derision – I promise!!

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Come crash on my couch in NYC.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Oh! I shall cling to the thought! Thank you!

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Now you know why I'm getting the fuck out of here. After living in the People's Republic of Nashville for five years, I can't survive in the rest of this wasteland.

MissNancyPriss March 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

where are you going to go?

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Dang, baby, y'all NEED to get that cute little ass up to Stan Fran Sitko. We haz DUNGEONS!!

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I'm'a clean up the spare bedroom just as soon as I get home, girlfriend. You're welcome in CA.

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I thought of that for about a minute earlier tonight, then I realized Obama wouldn't win any of "those" Southern states for about 100 years anyways.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I hear ya, and I get it. But, you have NEVER seen lethargy the likes of which you will see when Mitt wins – plus, there are a lot of smart womens here who are PIIIIISSSSED and motivated, so, if they have none of the enthusiasm and we have tons, ya know, 70/30.

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I hope that translates into Congressional Seats, … and dare I say The Senate! (dare, dare)

"and now they've riled all the jesus freaks up" just reminds me I really have fallen behind on watching the Walking Dead

OzoneTom March 6, 2012 at 9:46 pm

"Rick Santorum probably had sex with Sarah Palin. "

And here I had always assumed that there was nothing that would make me the slightest bit sympathetic to Frothy.

Just kidding. I'd probably hit it too if I drank enough wood alcohol and happened to be deaf, also.

poncho_pilot March 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

"OMG! i fucked a black guy liberal!"

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

(cough)

OzoneTom March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Sorry.

I didn't think that you were in the area and I needed to qualify that.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

'S OK. I ain't, I was just being cheeky.

memzilla March 6, 2012 at 9:46 pm

If Obama really has taken away all teh freedumz, howizzit that a**hats like Newtonium and Rmoney and Sanctorum are still running around?

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I expect the Romney boys to line up behind him like a Mormon small pin bowling alley.

poncho_pilot March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

and that's just their heads.

i'm here all week.

rocktonsam March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Now honey, go wait in one of your Cadalacks while daddy speaks.

AddHomonym March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I like Mitt Romney. There, I SAID IT!

Nostrildamus March 7, 2012 at 1:37 am

*

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 5:56 am

Wondering….What is there to like? There isn't enough real content there for me to muster a dislike for the man.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Whenever I hear enthusiastic cheers for Romney, I just assume there's some guy turning a "crowd noise" knob on a console.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

So now Mitt's home state is Massachusetts. Last week it was Michigan. He has more homes than Cindy McCain.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Well, he's got about $200 MILLION Ameros on her.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

All The Curds And Way! All the Way!

Chet Kincaid March 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm

"All the way! All the way!" They want to see Mitt make hot Mormon love to Ann right on top of that podium!!

poncho_pilot March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

he's going to tear off her magic panties. then they blast off to Kolob.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Boy are they in for a surprise. Mormons do it with their eyes closed and their magic underwear on.

memzilla March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Sanctorum still wants to rule over all you wimmenz' undisclosed secret locations — for freedom!

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

We started our campaign near here…and I'll never forget how Sarah Palin's bus came roaring through, ringing those bells and shooting those guns…

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Whoa, they shot back?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Ya know. Mitt would really make a good president. President of the Mickey Mouse club from the 60's or Barry Manilow fan club.

user-of-owls March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I didn't know Mitt could count. I figured he just told his first grade teacher, "I don't need to learn numbers. I've got accountants who do that for me."

CountryClubJihadi March 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

OMG, he pats himself on the back for actually doing some fucking work.

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Oh here we go with the "real people" stories..

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 9:50 pm

now i hate mitt most because he is talking.

back to king john.

BarackMyWorld March 6, 2012 at 9:50 pm
smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm

…and Norm Burn owns 85 patents but lives in a trash can.

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm

veteran's benefits? romney?

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm

And to the brave veteran wounded in Afghanistan, I say, Hey, the government gravy train is over. We're going to get out of your way and let you get rich. Good luck, fella!

Chet Kincaid March 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Mittens has met a lot of humans! He met Norm Burn, who holds a hundred patents and started a small business in his basement that employs a whole staff now. Mittens will buy Norm out and sell all of his assets for pennies on the dollar and $500 million in consulting fees!

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Nice, nice very nice!

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Are we supposed to be impressed by a hundred patents? Doesn't that just mean he sits in his basement, makes shit up, and has the money to buy a slip of paper from the government?

Chichikovovich March 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I'm not watching. Did Mitt say what any of the patents are for? Or are we supposed to be impressed that he knows how to fill out forms?

Maybe he's the guy who invented the Norm-Burns-arbor-adjustifier-ifier that they used to get the trees the right height in Mitt's neighborhood.

Designer_Rants March 6, 2012 at 10:32 pm

There was at least a hundred patents awarded for adding "ifier" to "adjustifier". Blew the patent clerks' minds.

BerkeleyBear March 6, 2012 at 10:55 pm

It could, although 100 costs a shitload in prosecution and issue fees for someone just sitting in a basement. I'm gonna guess the 100 aren't in any one area, either, like you might get with someone who was a genius in a particular field. More likely a wannabe Dean Kamen/Lemelson rip off artist, tweaking the work of others and trying to get coverage on it.

A quick check of the PTO database shows 211 patents with inventors named Burn, but no Norms or Normans.

ThundercatHo March 6, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Did Sarah Palin get Ricky drunk on wine coolers first?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Oh fuck Mittens. Did you or any of your kids enlist? That’s what I thought.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

It's YOUR PARTY DENYING VETERANS BENEFITS< YOU ASSHOLE!

DustBowlBlues March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

The "set-offs" probably include taking even more money away from the schools the heroes' kids attend.

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

it's not fucking obama's economy you tool. it's your fucking bain economy.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

"Help me Mitt, help me…"

Somehow it just doesn't seem … realistic.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Since when do Republicans worry about care for injured vets? They make 'em, they don't take care of 'em.

Loaded_Pants March 6, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I can't take it anymore. Now Romney's speaking. Ugh. I think I'll go do something useful like swallow a bunch a pills & fall asleep.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Go easy on those, baby. We NEEDZ you out here in teh Reel Worldz.

Nopantsmcgee March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Do I understand that Newt says he is a turtle now? Because I have always suspected that.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Newt is this tortoise.

(Really, is it even possible to post that too many times?)

user-of-owls March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

You know it's over when they have to pull out the 1980 Olympic hockey chants.

Chet Kincaid March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Hey Mitt: Needs more hair-on-fire.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

I've got the petrol, if you've got the torch, Chet.

Mofucker could use a little warmth, hell.

ThundercatHo March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Here in NW Ohio my husband and I voted at 3pm. We were Democrats 16 and 17.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

We know where you live.

Extemporanus March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

SOOPER TOOSDAY PILLOW FIGHT:

Rebecca 1
Kirsten 0

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:19 pm

A white cotton pantie tickle fight would be better.

Extemporanus March 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Judging by the new thread that just went up, I'm guessing that Jim just got TKOd.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Kir-STEN! Kir-STEN! Kir-STEN!

Extemporanus March 6, 2012 at 10:45 pm

When it comes to pillow fights, Kirsten's a featherweight.

KBoydJohnson March 7, 2012 at 12:58 am

AHEM.

FROTHY March 7, 2012 at 4:39 am

Don't listen to him, baby. I KNOW you put all your ben-wa balls in the bottom of those pillows.

Extemporanus March 7, 2012 at 5:41 am

My apologies, Champ!

Kirsten, you're clearly a super featherweight, which in the pillow-y argot of the "The Sheet Science" is mos def meant as a compliment.

Irregardlessly, I regret the error.

Speaking of regrets, please allow me to tardily take this opportunity to reiterate a little sumfin-sumfin that I gushed to you a couple months ago in a story correction request-related seXXXy pr0n one-way eMail chat:

One other thing: Speaking as a long time commenter, I'd also like to add that you are easily one of the best editors our Wonkette has had in at least the past five years. (At least!) Mucho gracias for pulling a Jorge Romney and sneaking back into America, illegal.

As I look back on Ken's tremendous, tenebrous tenure with melancholic waves of Stockholm and awe, I find myself looking forward to what fresh hells you, Liz, Rebecca, and the rest of our Wonkette's hysterical gyno-mos have in store for us all the more…

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

WEENIE MITT! WEENIE MITT! WEENIE MITT!

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

That does sound like what they're saying!

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

unemployment's been 8% due to your own fucking party, shitbird

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

From the USPTO

"Searching …

Results of Search in db for:
IN/"norm burn": 0 applications.

No application publications have matched your query "

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

It might be Norm 'Bern'. Or it might be a total lie which is more likely.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Results of Search in db for:
IN/"norm bern": 0 applications.

I'll take "made up bullshit" for $800, Trebek

Biff March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

$10K or GTFO!

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Hey Fukui-san, LagunaB made linguini and "gravy" and invited us over. I RSVP'd for both of us.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Woohoo! I'll bring the vino!

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Ain't it just AWFUL when there's some overeducated single white person out there who knows how to check on all this shit and stuff?

BerkeleyBear March 6, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Ran the same search for Burn-Norm and Burn-Norman, no results. There are 211 patents with inventors named Burn, but that's at least several different people (Timothy, some guy whose first name is Burn (I'm guessing a mis-transposition of the surname, since it is for a Taiwanese entity)) and no Norms or obvious tie-ins to Massachusetts.

Blueb4sunrise March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Trying to figure out which WEN formula I am.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

LOL!

Blueb4sunrise March 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

you're very kind.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

We could call Bristol Palin. She would know.

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

out of the Outhouse?!

MissTaken March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Mmmm….white people

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Once you go white, you forget how to rhyme.

DerrickWildcat March 6, 2012 at 9:54 pm

This is all rather meaningless until we see the Idaho results.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

As Idaho goes, so goes the nation?

OzoneTom March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I was tempted, but couldn't bring myself to register as a Republican.

That, and hanging out with all of the crazy people from these parts all day. Made work actually look pretty good as an alternative.

shrillharpy March 6, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Damn, MItt. Spit it out, already. Quit tripping over your words and fucking up the presentation. Your message still sucks, but keep trying.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I like Mitt's oh-so-subtle plug for government-run healthcare, and the yahoos still cheered. The troops do deserve the best healthcare out there, which is why we don't put them in the private insurance market.

DustBowlBlues March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Thank god I'd finished by big mug of decafe tea when Mittens made his man-of-the-people, income inequality pitch. I can't afford to drown another fucking keyboard.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Has anyone seen the movie Iron Giant? Mitt reminds me of the giant only with less heart.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:56 pm

He's not Superman.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Ohio:
santorum: 39%
Rmoney: 36%

Ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Even I see what you did there.

shrillharpy March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Mitt: "I will repeal OBAMACARE and pass ROMNEYCARE! Wait. Whut?"

weej_bain March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Nate Silver is saying that with just over a turd third of the Ohio vote in Frothy is his slight statistical favorite to win the Buckeye state by a landslide of 1.2%.

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Mitt has a job?

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

"My highest priority will be worrying about your job"

…and how I can destroy it.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

And if I destroy you, at least you won't have to pay a "death tax."

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Romney has a pro-growth tax plan. He'll pretty much quadruple the deficit.

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

finally a president who understands being president is

TAX CUTS!!

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Saving? Investing? Middle class?!!

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

At times like this, It's like Mitt could almost understand what coffee does for the rest of us.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

He's going to find out what OxyContin does for the rest of us if he loses Ohio.

NellCote71 March 6, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I would have gone with meth for Ohio.

Wadisay March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Mitt promises a tax pony for everybody.

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

and a tax unicorn which uses its horn to impale and kill you

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

With sparkles?

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Yes. A sparkly Tax Unicorn of Death.

MissTaken March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Mitt just made that little white girl happy for cutting taxes for jerb kreaturs. She's his economic advisor.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Of course – if she doesn't get her trust fund, how can she kre8 jerbs herself? Jerbs like ski polisher, marina barnacler, stable scooper…

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

If only she were blah she could be a janitor for Newt.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

"I know how government kills jobs"

…I've killed quite a few myself, you see. They could do it so much more efficiently.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

And make a few bucks on the side!

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Mitt's eyes are as vacant as his campaign promises.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Like a shark's?

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

"I will finally abolish the Death Tax!"

* It's called the Estate Tax and:
*Just how many people in that room would benefit from that? What – only your Kids?
Thought so.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Each of these turds are insufferable in their own way.

SoDakProg March 6, 2012 at 10:44 pm

That was Tolstoy's original ANNA KARENINA opening line.

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

If this horror becomes President it will be a long, quiet four years in LimeyLizzie's home as I have to mute him before he speaks because I just can't stand to listen to him.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

You could always repatriate to the motherland. By then that Elizabitch should be dead and buried.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Listen, I went through 8 long years of what the late Mrs.CRE used to call the Tourettes Presidency of George W Bush. I couldn't hear more than a few words from Georgie Boy without exploding into profane rants, through most of the 2nd awful term.

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Thtat was me, as well, MrLimeylizzie got very concerned on told me to cool it , on a cpuple of occasions, as he thought I might get deported!

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I had a feeling it wasn't just me and being deported must be s sucky thing to have to worry about.

Chichikovovich March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

That was one of the major reasons why I decided it was time to become a US citizen. The treatment of resident aliens was becoming more and more capricious and hostile. I started to feel unsettled feelings in my stomach when approaching the border. There were a bunch of other reasons too, but that was a big one.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

That was rough, for sure. I'm much better situated now, and won't hesitate to self-deport in the event ANY of these fuckers somehow manages to get the supremes or Diebold to appoint them president…

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Exit strategies are important. Paraguay, or Antarctica may be far enough away.

BerkeleyBear March 6, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Don't forget, you may wind up ass deep in Bushes if you go to Paraguay and make a wrong turn or two.

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

… so in other words the original Reagan\Bush years… ?

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

CHANT THREE WORDS!! CHANT THREE WORDS!! CHANT THREE WORDS!! CHANT THREE WORDS!!

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I LIKE IKE! I LIKE IKE!

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:05 pm

BARTLETT PEAR! BARTLETT PEAR!

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

NOT IN SANE! NOT IN SANE! NOT IN SANE!

Biff March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Papoon?

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm

YES!!

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I'm a lifelong Democrat, but I'm giving serious consideration to going Natural Surrealist this year.

AddHomonym March 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

We get knocked down but we gut up again. Chumbawumba!

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I got no job, but I'm an opera fan!

Maman March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

America is the land of Mittens' opportunities. The rest of us are becoming serfs again

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

This don't mean shit if Ohio goes for Frothy.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I'd really like to hear this speech in German.

Chet Kincaid March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Mitt's inner dialog: "I'm such a phony! Is anyone buying this? So fake, so insincere. I am hollow at my core except for the Faith, which I can never, ever talk about! Why would anyone vote for me?! My Lord, I suck so bad…"

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch…..

Chichikovovich March 6, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Oh no! Somebody said "Niagara Falls"!

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

England and France
These cultures are old
The cheese is stinky
And the beer ain't cold
When i go over there i gotta walk bold
Free and freaky in the USA

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Mitt just discovered the power of the interwub!

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Maybe his close personal friend Kid Rock clued him in.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Frontrunner status, who haz it?

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Well, I guess MItt is as close to a playing a real rethug as he can get to being a "real" anything now, because I DO get that I wanna punch him in the face feeling when he talks. . .

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

he is surprisingly annoying for such a bland man.

and – taking a completely unstatistical poll here on wonkette – seems to really rile the ladies.

ThundercatHo March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Not as much as the frothy mix, that guy really makes me stabby.

smokefilledroommate March 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

The rest of it is bullshit, Tweety.

SexySmurf March 6, 2012 at 10:04 pm

In related news, Frothy is ahead in Licking County, Ohio.

In more related news, I'm 12 years old.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

In other news, I thought "Groundhog Day" was a good movie. I liked it.

OzoneTom March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Could you send me a picture?

I love sweet tea.

OurHoboSenator March 6, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Latest stats from the Ohio SOS show that Rick Perry has just over 3400 votes statewide. LOLWUT?

MissNancyPriss March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

i miss him.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

In a state that big, you're bound to have thousands of drug-addicted Republicans who remember only that they just can't quit Rick.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 10:28 pm

How are the Lizard People stacking up?

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Mitt has no real reason to run for President. It just seems like something he should do at this point in his life. Which is a better reason than God told him to.

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:06 pm

When did Brokaw get so old?

Chet Kincaid March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Oh, Tom Brokaw has stooped to soil himself by appearing on the distastefully partisan MSNBC! He and Rev. Al will have a contest to see who can sound drunker.

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I wanna play with them! Tom had his hand on his forehead the other night after listening to something on Lawrence. He's been stooping lower in the liberal soil the dumber the Rs get. You can kinda tell the good Rev has been in Bama all week. He's got a little twang in that Brooklyn and I heard him say somebody "went and did" something a little while ago.

Data Exactly March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Santorum wins frigid North Dakota.

Maman March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I would wear my money like hotpants, so people can all kiss my ass.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

MIttens: "I will Abolish Obamacare!"

Crowd: "And Then What?"

Mittens: ????

Crowd: ( )

Mittens: Profit!!

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Give me Ohio result's or I'm going to have to watch Dailey\Colbert later tonight. Come on democracy!

Maman March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

I won't be home in time for Stewart/Colbert. Thank you DVR!!!!

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I'm back from my dinner meeting. What did I miss?

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Santorum frothed, Gingrich bloviated and Mitt was boring.
Same old, same old……

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Thanks for the update, Honey!

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:19 pm

My pleasure. Now I'm off to the Land of Nod…☾☆………..

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

A chance at a shorter campaign for the GOP nomination.

Maman March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

nothing.

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

nothing of any importance but we missed you.

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Missed you too, Lovie.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Assholes. Assholes everywhere.

SudsMcKenzie March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Herman Cain surprisingly won VA, even though he wasn't on the ballot, due to his heroic, selfless eradication of "The Noid".

fuflans March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

so santorum has now won what – three states tonight? with actual delegates?

this is not being treated with the same breathless wonder that greeted his win three weeks ago – with no delegates.

i guess repubs are just getting used to the long slog.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Hey, did you notice that Mittens seems to have stopped running against Europe? I guess that didn't test well in Stupidville.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

I was playing "down it if he mentions France" so it was a bit of a let-down.

MissNancyPriss March 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm

maybe we need an impromptu debate.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

I can't shed any light, but there's other things I can shed.

OurHoboSenator March 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Last night, a meth lab INSIDE A NURSING HOME blew up in Ohio. And there you have Frothy's base.

Biff March 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Really?

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I blame cable TV. This never happened when they just watched Matlock.

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I just got back from the restaurant where the manager gave me a tour of the pictures of Hillary, Barack, George Bush, and then this: http://i44.tinypic.com/2d7ggva.jpg

The manger said, "That's Sarah Palin, John McCain and that's her husband." I said, "Yeah Todd bangs hookers" The manager was speechless!

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

You are just beyond awesome

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

We had a good time. I keep forgetting how well my voice carries and said a few naughty things about the GOPhers. I got invited to a party in La Jolla, so I guess not everyone was offended.

ShaveTheWhales March 7, 2012 at 12:40 am

Wait. You were at a restaurant in New Mexico, and got invited to a party in La Jolla? You really are awesome.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

And McCain bangs the table.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I love you so. Please adopt me. I do dishes!

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I love you more!

C_R_Eature March 7, 2012 at 5:12 am

Magnificent.

Barb, if you're ever in the Baltimore – D.C. area I want to be there to witness your awesome Restaurant Reign of Terror.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Awesome – I just want to sit at your feet and partake of your wisdom.

Designer_Rants March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

North Dakota Mexicans need to learn our national language!

Wadisay March 6, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Has Tweety been drinking tonight or what?

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Maybe Rachel's mixing up cocktails off-stage.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Kirsten, when you say 'your editors are in some kind of debate' does that mean the wine is kicking in?

Blueb4sunrise March 6, 2012 at 10:28 pm

she means the pillow fight.

Sharkey March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

They can't get Ken Layne to cover "PART 5". My whole world is lost.

johnnyzhivago March 6, 2012 at 10:28 pm

All this talk of Iran, but it's Canada that's the real menace to the north!
http://outfront.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/06/is-canad

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

How about a warning before you send us to something by Erin Burnett?

Data Exactly March 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

When are they going to get to Alaska?!? I want to see how Nuiqsuk voted already!!!

Steverino247 March 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Santorum wins ND, TN, OK and probably Ohio. Huge night for Santorum.
Gingrich wins GA, which means nothing.
Romney wins VA but 40% of the voters hate him enough to vote for Paul. Had Santorum been on the ballot, what might have been? ID, VT and MA were expected wins, so no news cycle for him there.

Maman March 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Oooh. Chris Matthews is getting tough. "Let's be a little freaking serious here" How can you take some of this stuff seriously.

Barrelhse March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Kristen pulled the late shift, just when we're getting drunk and running out of material.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

We've still got Idaho and Alaska!

Oh wait, nobody cares what Alaska thinks.

cheetojeebus March 6, 2012 at 10:32 pm

We are so fucked. Even if the Democrats sweep in November. That a good portion of the country thinks even one of these guys is ok is so damn depressing.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

On the plus side these people will be in a minority in 50 or so years.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

And they'll be replaced by people who were educated in public schools they funded. Or failed to fund.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Yikes! Always with the logic.

Gainsbourg69 March 6, 2012 at 10:56 pm

At least they don't go to church, werent nursed on cold war paranoia and didn't grow up during the American apartheid.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 12:37 am

Worse, the teabagger's home-schooled offspring…

Biff March 7, 2012 at 12:36 am

And most of us will be in a permanent majority, ie: dead.

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Here's Bammers and Paul Blanchard. I asked, "who are these terrorist he is palling around with?" http://i42.tinypic.com/2n82agn.jpg

MadBrahms March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Picture with "owners" proves that Obama is in fact a slave, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. I will alert WND immediately.

Barb March 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

They only charged him 3/5th for his meal.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Romney has 78% in Idaho with 16% reporting. Santorum should be killing in this state of militia and Christian Dominionists! What's up?

johnnyzhivago March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Big sale on Ammo at Wal-Mart

Steverino247 March 6, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Mormons are up.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Mormons.

Lots and lots of Mormons.

I mean, like, assloads of Mormons, all driving Suburbans.

Jukesgrrl March 6, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Mormons are how he carried Arizona, too. When we know for a fact that Grampa Paul's ideology is all the rage here. Mormons do as they are told. Even if every fiber of their beings resists.

SheriffRoscoe March 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Looking at Chuck Todd's hands. Kind of dainty.

MadBrahms March 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Are those empty chairs in that CNN image? If so, did they tell people Mittens might stop by? First mistake.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I had a good look at it (I'm watching CNN here) and there are far too many blah people for a Republican convention.

johnnyzhivago March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

If Ohio had surrendered Toledo to Michigan it would be over by now!

ThundercatHo March 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm

ESL for natural born citizens?

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Chris Matthews, et al just scared the shit out of the poor guy who, because he said some vows he actually buys into, sits here with me and listens to me scream at the tv and type and say "HUH?" to everything he says. Poor Hubs is worried about the stealthy Santorum sycophants now. I say you can always see that shit coming.

chascates March 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Palin on CNN tonight about running for Prez:
"I don't discount any idea or plan that, at this point, isn't in my control. Anything's possible.
…. I would seriously consider whatever I can do to help our country."

Suicide would be the greatest help.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 6, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I don't discount any idea or plan that, at this point, isn't in my control.

Does that mean she discounts any plan that is in her control? Because that would make a lot of sense.

edit: that was supposed to be a reply to chascates but I'm drinking rum

Jim Newell March 6, 2012 at 10:48 pm

COME TO MY LIVEBLOG YOU HUNG CHADS
http://wonkette.com/466019/super-tuesday-liveblog

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 5:57 am

I'm posting this Wednesday morning because of 'puter problems. I missed all this teevee machine nooz because I have good sense-and a life.

DahBoner March 7, 2012 at 9:26 am

Stupidville, OH

The shark has been jumped!

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I am always having houseguests, cat-sitters etc. and MrLimeylizzie's daughter was in a punk band for several years and the whole band-5 girls-used to crash here with all their equipment, when they were on tour.

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Pics?

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

LittleLimeylizzie sounds fucking awesome – I love girl punk. What was her band?

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Nekky pikkies or GTFO.

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

The Randies , they were out of LA. MrLimeylizzie has twin daughters, one is a lawyer and this is the other one!

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:16 pm

This is an earlier line-up before they lost the boy drummer.http://music.yahoo.com/randies/albums/at-the-friendship-motor-inn–15702918

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Ann Arbor – gorgeous place, tons of young people, possibility of sex with an ex, lots of white collar jobs. Overall a good pick.

ProgressiveInga March 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Adorable.

deanbooth March 6, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Yes, adorable.

Funny thing, I have a friend here in Columbus whose band is named The Randys.

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I will move to San Fran when I can magically fart out the needed $1200 a month for rent (or find a good sugar daddy until then).

Also unless I learn how to program (I won't) I'm not going to make much money as just a writer/writer.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Welcome aboard. Good to have you.

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Welcome to the Monkey House.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Vote early, vote often.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Darling, I am PRAYING like a not-atheist that she will reveal her true self and live up to her tin-eared promise by UTTERLY SINKING his fucking campaign with a few well-chosen words. But not until after he has won the nom, or something. Maybe she can give Americana a long, rambling lecture on Kolob and the need for the wimminz to be beaten daily and locked in the closet without no cuntraceptives, or sump'n.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Especially in not-quiet rooms.

FROTHY March 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

(rifles through little black book)

I'm on it, dood.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

I'm only in it for the Tires.

Limeylizzie March 6, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Go Randy(ies)s!

Fare la Volpe March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

You're so good to me <3

*cuddles and bum wiggles*

Doktor Zoom March 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm

How very true (said with pinkie daintily extended).

FakaktaSouth March 6, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Aight, between the two of us beautiful elites, we should be able to get to SF one day. I am jealous of AnnArbor already – that is a great place. But I will promise that the second I can get us up North Cali way – we out. I fucking love that place the most of all, ever.

FROTHY March 7, 2012 at 4:32 am

Love you too, sugarbuns.

C_R_Eature March 6, 2012 at 11:15 pm

S'okay. I plan on bringing my Nut-Kicking shoes.

FROTHY March 7, 2012 at 4:32 am

You are SO coming to my house!

Chet Kincaid March 7, 2012 at 9:44 am

Glad to hear it! You can set up an Underground Railroad for fakaktasouth, elviouslyqueer, dustbowlblues and the rest of our Unhappy Southern Correspondents.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I haven't seen ass-kissing like that since F. Lee Baily during OJ's trial.

Extemporanus March 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ha! After re-reading that 3am drunk dial transcript, I'll admit that the glove does fit.

Here's the thing: Kirsten (and most everyone else, probably) apparently took that pillow fight score update to mean I thought her post lost to Rebecca's, when in fact I intended to imply that she'd lost her previously hyped pillow fight with Rebecca, and thus had to post a fourth fucking liveblog.

I meant everything I said, though, regardless of how brown nasaly I slurred it. KBJ's been doing great (despite the fact that she never corrected that glaring factual error…), and Rebecca has come on like gangbusters

It makes me happy to once again have — like in the Sara K. Smith days of yore — the "-ette" firmly planted on our "Wonk's" ass.

Chichikovovich March 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Last time I voted in a national election in Canada, Mulroney was elected with a majority. The only time I've done so in the US, Obama won. I'm obviously much better at it here.—

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Heh – I agree with you completely on the “-ette” happiness. Sorry for going for the zinger but I've been sitting on that one for ages and it was right in the bulls-eye.

Extemporanus March 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

That was an entirely just sentence, even if you did wait more than fifteen years before handing it down.

The defense rests…

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