suffer with us

Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results

Why does Mitt hate tacos?!

We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a high school gym in “Stupidville, Ohio.” Isn’t this fun, kids? Boy 2008 was just a warm-up round for this kind of excitement. Rick Santorum reports that freedom has pretty much died in America, which is such old news that we are inclined to rule this statement proof that Rick Santorum is even more stupid than Wolf Blitzer. Let us continue our liveblog of torture and tears!

9:32 — Rick Santorum has said a thing: “Barack Obama believes that he can do things better than other people.” This is a belief that absolutely no other American has.

9:33 — Rebecca makes a true observation, that Rick Santorum’s daughter or relative or whoever “on the left” in CNN’s camera frame looks like Bristol Palin. It is probably Bristol Palin. Rick Santorum probably had sex with Sarah Palin.

9:42 — Oh look opening act Rick Santorum has decided to crawl back into his coffin in the church basement. Mitt Romney’s turn to speak now!

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9:45 — Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney both promised their wives certain filthy favors to open their victory speeches tonight! Ann Romney is talking now, saying, “we couldn’t have done this with you.” Don’t be such a fatalist, Ann. Rick Santorum’s wife didn’t speak first, because Rick Santorum hates women.

9:48 — Mitt is listing off all the places he has visited in the United States. “Tarmacs, airport tarmacs.” Just to be clear. None of those canoe tarmacs. They are socialist.

9:55 — Here is a weird thing about Mitt’s flip-flopping audience that we notice: they are unable to determine whether they are supposed to boo or applaud each time he completes a sentence. They will do both! Just to cover the bases.

9:58 — Here is a tip for Mitt: do not start every single sentence with “Barack Obama is ruining your life by doing _____, and I will fix it by wiping my boogers on the dog while I sit in the Oval Office, since the government is not allowed to fix anything.” It is confusing the audience. They do not know whether to be happy or sad.

10:00 — God, can CNN please interrupt RMoney with some new results?

10:01 — “Tomorrow we wake up and start again. And tomorrow, we’ll do the same.” Mitt Romney promises America will live in a 1993 Bill Murray movie if he is elected president.

10:04 — TEN O FOUR PM guyz, WOLF BLITZER has at last ruled that he “would like to focus on Ohio.” He said it with a voice like, THERE IS A STATE NAMED OHIO? There is, Wolf. They voted today. About some stuff.

10:06 — We just listened to two minutes of noise coming out of the television set while it was picking up the CNN frequency, but we did not notice anything because the Magic Eye pattern on John King’s tie makes us feel like we are on mushrooms. Something happened in North Dakota. There was some wind blowing? Something, we couldn’t pay attention.

10:09 — We glanced up at CNN again after looking away for a second and the words “Tight Santorum” were the first two words we saw. No, CNN, we are not going to read the rest of your vulgar chyron. Jesus.

10:10 — Rick Santorum won North Dakota! This means four people voted for him there.

10:15 — There is some kind of debate going on among your editors in their top secret chatroom about “why did Rick Santorum win North Dakota when he was not supposed to.” Are there any readers from North Dakota who can shed light on this, or any “North Dakota Mexicans” from South Dakota who can explain what the hell is going on?

10:24 — God CNN is so surreal tonight. We are watching the “virtual convention” Call of Duty video game murder game murder thing on CNN, that will take place in “Tampon, Florida” according to what we just heard. Is CNN a news channel? This is what news journalism looks like, a cheap cartoon of death:

10:33 — Oh thank Lucifer, Jim Newell is here to TAG TEAM IN CAPTAIN AMERICA GO YESSSSSS.

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300 comments

  1. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Right now I could go for a good old crazy Ron Paul speech. Did he win anything?

        1. poncho_pilot

          Rand. they will share Rand's healthier, younger organs. Ron will be on his back and unable to look at anything but the past.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Can't break them out for little shit like this – they require highly enriched uranium

  2. FakaktaSouth

    I AM TELLING y'all – Mitt has a massive religion problem here – and now they've riled all the jesus freaks up. And they WILL NOT SHOW UP HERE FOR HIM – even if it's because of Massachusetts and all the serious back and forth on every single thing. I still say it ain't gonna just be okay, we'll do this for Mitt. They really won't. The ones I know who WOULD vote for Mitt truly truly have given up.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        There ain't shit this guy can do. I swear HE really IS too "other" – you think they hate a black dude? I am telling you, Mormonism will put these folks over the edge and his floppiness will give them the excuse for their inherent bigotry. Plus, he's terrible and says stuff so fucking dumb even we can hear it.

        1. FROTHY

          It ain't just him either. Fattums McWifey, with her "little cottage in the Hamptons" and "I don't consider myself wealthy" has enough tin in her ears to provide him with another pair.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            She truly is the heavy weight champion of dual-cadillac driving, Lovey Howell stupid. Very helpful.

          2. FROTHY

            Darling, I am PRAYING like a not-atheist that she will reveal her true self and live up to her tin-eared promise by UTTERLY SINKING his fucking campaign with a few well-chosen words. But not until after he has won the nom, or something. Maybe she can give Americana a long, rambling lecture on Kolob and the need for the wimminz to be beaten daily and locked in the closet without no cuntraceptives, or sump'n.

          3. Doktor Zoom

            Well of course she doesn't consider herself wealthy. It's so gauche to talk about money, don't you think?

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I really am gonna put in for a transfer one day. I wanna point and laugh for once! I'm GREAT at derision – I promise!!

          1. Limeylizzie

            I am always having houseguests, cat-sitters etc. and MrLimeylizzie's daughter was in a punk band for several years and the whole band-5 girls-used to crash here with all their equipment, when they were on tour.

          2. Limeylizzie

            The Randies , they were out of LA. MrLimeylizzie has twin daughters, one is a lawyer and this is the other one!

        1. Fare la Volpe

          Now you know why I'm getting the fuck out of here. After living in the People's Republic of Nashville for five years, I can't survive in the rest of this wasteland.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Ann Arbor – gorgeous place, tons of young people, possibility of sex with an ex, lots of white collar jobs. Overall a good pick.

          2. Chet Kincaid

            Glad to hear it! You can set up an Underground Railroad for fakaktasouth, elviouslyqueer, dustbowlblues and the rest of our Unhappy Southern Correspondents.

          3. Fare la Volpe

            I will move to San Fran when I can magically fart out the needed $1200 a month for rent (or find a good sugar daddy until then).

            Also unless I learn how to program (I won't) I'm not going to make much money as just a writer/writer.

          4. FakaktaSouth

            Aight, between the two of us beautiful elites, we should be able to get to SF one day. I am jealous of AnnArbor already – that is a great place. But I will promise that the second I can get us up North Cali way – we out. I fucking love that place the most of all, ever.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      I thought of that for about a minute earlier tonight, then I realized Obama wouldn't win any of "those" Southern states for about 100 years anyways.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I hear ya, and I get it. But, you have NEVER seen lethargy the likes of which you will see when Mitt wins – plus, there are a lot of smart womens here who are PIIIIISSSSED and motivated, so, if they have none of the enthusiasm and we have tons, ya know, 70/30.

        1. SudsMcKenzie

          I hope that translates into Congressional Seats, … and dare I say The Senate! (dare, dare)

          "and now they've riled all the jesus freaks up" just reminds me I really have fallen behind on watching the Walking Dead

  3. OzoneTom

    "Rick Santorum probably had sex with Sarah Palin. "

    And here I had always assumed that there was nothing that would make me the slightest bit sympathetic to Frothy.

    Just kidding. I'd probably hit it too if I drank enough wood alcohol and happened to be deaf, also.

  4. memzilla

    If Obama really has taken away all teh freedumz, howizzit that a**hats like Newtonium and Rmoney and Sanctorum are still running around?

  5. SudsMcKenzie

    I expect the Romney boys to line up behind him like a Mormon small pin bowling alley.

    1. ttommyunger

      Wondering….What is there to like? There isn't enough real content there for me to muster a dislike for the man.

  6. Doktor Zoom

    Whenever I hear enthusiastic cheers for Romney, I just assume there's some guy turning a "crowd noise" knob on a console.

  7. memzilla

    Sanctorum still wants to rule over all you wimmenz' undisclosed secret locations — for freedom!

  8. Doktor Zoom

    We started our campaign near here…and I'll never forget how Sarah Palin's bus came roaring through, ringing those bells and shooting those guns…

  9. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ya know. Mitt would really make a good president. President of the Mickey Mouse club from the 60's or Barry Manilow fan club.

  10. user-of-owls

    I didn't know Mitt could count. I figured he just told his first grade teacher, "I don't need to learn numbers. I've got accountants who do that for me."

  11. Doktor Zoom

    And to the brave veteran wounded in Afghanistan, I say, Hey, the government gravy train is over. We're going to get out of your way and let you get rich. Good luck, fella!

  12. Chet Kincaid

    Mittens has met a lot of humans! He met Norm Burn, who holds a hundred patents and started a small business in his basement that employs a whole staff now. Mittens will buy Norm out and sell all of his assets for pennies on the dollar and $500 million in consulting fees!

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Are we supposed to be impressed by a hundred patents? Doesn't that just mean he sits in his basement, makes shit up, and has the money to buy a slip of paper from the government?

      1. Chichikovovich

        I'm not watching. Did Mitt say what any of the patents are for? Or are we supposed to be impressed that he knows how to fill out forms?

        Maybe he's the guy who invented the Norm-Burns-arbor-adjustifier-ifier that they used to get the trees the right height in Mitt's neighborhood.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        It could, although 100 costs a shitload in prosecution and issue fees for someone just sitting in a basement. I'm gonna guess the 100 aren't in any one area, either, like you might get with someone who was a genius in a particular field. More likely a wannabe Dean Kamen/Lemelson rip off artist, tweaking the work of others and trying to get coverage on it.

        A quick check of the PTO database shows 211 patents with inventors named Burn, but no Norms or Normans.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      The "set-offs" probably include taking even more money away from the schools the heroes' kids attend.

  13. Loaded_Pants

    I can't take it anymore. Now Romney's speaking. Ugh. I think I'll go do something useful like swallow a bunch a pills & fall asleep.

  14. Nopantsmcgee

    Do I understand that Newt says he is a turtle now? Because I have always suspected that.

          1. Extemporanus

            My apologies, Champ!

            Kirsten, you're clearly a super featherweight, which in the pillow-y argot of the "The Sheet Science" is mos def meant as a compliment.

            Irregardlessly, I regret the error.

            Speaking of regrets, please allow me to tardily take this opportunity to reiterate a little sumfin-sumfin that I gushed to you a couple months ago in a story correction request-related seXXXy pr0n one-way eMail chat:

            One other thing: Speaking as a long time commenter, I'd also like to add that you are easily one of the best editors our Wonkette has had in at least the past five years. (At least!) Mucho gracias for pulling a Jorge Romney and sneaking back into America, illegal.

            As I look back on Ken's tremendous, tenebrous tenure with melancholic waves of Stockholm and awe, I find myself looking forward to what fresh hells you, Liz, Rebecca, and the rest of our Wonkette's hysterical gyno-mos have in store for us all the more…

          2. Extemporanus

            Ha! After re-reading that 3am drunk dial transcript, I'll admit that the glove does fit.

            Here's the thing: Kirsten (and most everyone else, probably) apparently took that pillow fight score update to mean I thought her post lost to Rebecca's, when in fact I intended to imply that she'd lost her previously hyped pillow fight with Rebecca, and thus had to post a fourth fucking liveblog.

            I meant everything I said, though, regardless of how brown nasaly I slurred it. KBJ's been doing great (despite the fact that she never corrected that glaring factual error…), and Rebecca has come on like gangbusters

            It makes me happy to once again have — like in the Sara K. Smith days of yore — the "-ette" firmly planted on our "Wonk's" ass.

          3. HistoriCat

            Heh – I agree with you completely on the “-ette” happiness. Sorry for going for the zinger but I've been sitting on that one for ages and it was right in the bulls-eye.

          4. Extemporanus

            That was an entirely just sentence, even if you did wait more than fifteen years before handing it down.

            The defense rests…

  15. Fukui-sanYesOta

    From the USPTO

    "Searching …

    Results of Search in db for:
    IN/"norm burn": 0 applications.

    No application publications have matched your query "

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Results of Search in db for:
        IN/"norm bern": 0 applications.

        I'll take "made up bullshit" for $800, Trebek

    1. FROTHY

      Ain't it just AWFUL when there's some overeducated single white person out there who knows how to check on all this shit and stuff?

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Ran the same search for Burn-Norm and Burn-Norman, no results. There are 211 patents with inventors named Burn, but that's at least several different people (Timothy, some guy whose first name is Burn (I'm guessing a mis-transposition of the surname, since it is for a Taiwanese entity)) and no Norms or obvious tie-ins to Massachusetts.

    1. OzoneTom

      I was tempted, but couldn't bring myself to register as a Republican.

      That, and hanging out with all of the crazy people from these parts all day. Made work actually look pretty good as an alternative.

  16. shrillharpy

    Damn, MItt. Spit it out, already. Quit tripping over your words and fucking up the presentation. Your message still sucks, but keep trying.

  17. Fare la Volpe

    I like Mitt's oh-so-subtle plug for government-run healthcare, and the yahoos still cheered. The troops do deserve the best healthcare out there, which is why we don't put them in the private insurance market.

  18. DustBowlBlues

    Thank god I'd finished by big mug of decafe tea when Mittens made his man-of-the-people, income inequality pitch. I can't afford to drown another fucking keyboard.

  19. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Has anyone seen the movie Iron Giant? Mitt reminds me of the giant only with less heart.

  20. weej_bain

    Nate Silver is saying that with just over a turd third of the Ohio vote in Frothy is his slight statistical favorite to win the Buckeye state by a landslide of 1.2%.

  21. Fare la Volpe

    "My highest priority will be worrying about your job"

    …and how I can destroy it.

  22. SudsMcKenzie

    At times like this, It's like Mitt could almost understand what coffee does for the rest of us.

  23. MissTaken

    Mitt just made that little white girl happy for cutting taxes for jerb kreaturs. She's his economic advisor.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Of course – if she doesn't get her trust fund, how can she kre8 jerbs herself? Jerbs like ski polisher, marina barnacler, stable scooper…

  24. Fare la Volpe

    "I know how government kills jobs"

    …I've killed quite a few myself, you see. They could do it so much more efficiently.

  25. C_R_Eature

    "I will finally abolish the Death Tax!"

    * It's called the Estate Tax and:
    *Just how many people in that room would benefit from that? What – only your Kids?
    Thought so.

  26. Limeylizzie

    If this horror becomes President it will be a long, quiet four years in LimeyLizzie's home as I have to mute him before he speaks because I just can't stand to listen to him.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You could always repatriate to the motherland. By then that Elizabitch should be dead and buried.

    2. C_R_Eature

      Listen, I went through 8 long years of what the late Mrs.CRE used to call the Tourettes Presidency of George W Bush. I couldn't hear more than a few words from Georgie Boy without exploding into profane rants, through most of the 2nd awful term.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Thtat was me, as well, MrLimeylizzie got very concerned on told me to cool it , on a cpuple of occasions, as he thought I might get deported!

        1. C_R_Eature

          I had a feeling it wasn't just me and being deported must be s sucky thing to have to worry about.

          1. Chichikovovich

            That was one of the major reasons why I decided it was time to become a US citizen. The treatment of resident aliens was becoming more and more capricious and hostile. I started to feel unsettled feelings in my stomach when approaching the border. There were a bunch of other reasons too, but that was a big one.

          2. Chichikovovich

            Last time I voted in a national election in Canada, Mulroney was elected with a majority. The only time I've done so in the US, Obama won. I'm obviously much better at it here.—

      2. Biff

        That was rough, for sure. I'm much better situated now, and won't hesitate to self-deport in the event ANY of these fuckers somehow manages to get the supremes or Diebold to appoint them president…

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Don't forget, you may wind up ass deep in Bushes if you go to Paraguay and make a wrong turn or two.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            I'm a lifelong Democrat, but I'm giving serious consideration to going Natural Surrealist this year.

  27. Chet Kincaid

    Mitt's inner dialog: "I'm such a phony! Is anyone buying this? So fake, so insincere. I am hollow at my core except for the Faith, which I can never, ever talk about! Why would anyone vote for me?! My Lord, I suck so bad…"

  28. fuflans

    England and France
    These cultures are old
    The cheese is stinky
    And the beer ain't cold
    When i go over there i gotta walk bold
    Free and freaky in the USA

  29. FakaktaSouth

    Well, I guess MItt is as close to a playing a real rethug as he can get to being a "real" anything now, because I DO get that I wanna punch him in the face feeling when he talks. . .

    1. fuflans

      he is surprisingly annoying for such a bland man.

      and – taking a completely unstatistical poll here on wonkette – seems to really rile the ladies.

  30. SexySmurf

    In related news, Frothy is ahead in Licking County, Ohio.

    In more related news, I'm 12 years old.

  31. OurHoboSenator

    Latest stats from the Ohio SOS show that Rick Perry has just over 3400 votes statewide. LOLWUT?

  32. chascates

    Mitt has no real reason to run for President. It just seems like something he should do at this point in his life. Which is a better reason than God told him to.

  33. Chet Kincaid

    Oh, Tom Brokaw has stooped to soil himself by appearing on the distastefully partisan MSNBC! He and Rev. Al will have a contest to see who can sound drunker.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I wanna play with them! Tom had his hand on his forehead the other night after listening to something on Lawrence. He's been stooping lower in the liberal soil the dumber the Rs get. You can kinda tell the good Rev has been in Bama all week. He's got a little twang in that Brooklyn and I heard him say somebody "went and did" something a little while ago.

  34. C_R_Eature

    MIttens: "I will Abolish Obamacare!"

    Crowd: "And Then What?"

    Mittens: ????

    Crowd: ( )

    Mittens: Profit!!

  35. SudsMcKenzie

    Give me Ohio result's or I'm going to have to watch Dailey\Colbert later tonight. Come on democracy!

    1. ProgressiveInga

      Santorum frothed, Gingrich bloviated and Mitt was boring.
      Same old, same old……

    2. SudsMcKenzie

      Herman Cain surprisingly won VA, even though he wasn't on the ballot, due to his heroic, selfless eradication of "The Noid".

  36. fuflans

    so santorum has now won what – three states tonight? with actual delegates?

    this is not being treated with the same breathless wonder that greeted his win three weeks ago – with no delegates.

    i guess repubs are just getting used to the long slog.

  37. Doktor Zoom

    Hey, did you notice that Mittens seems to have stopped running against Europe? I guess that didn't test well in Stupidville.

  38. OurHoboSenator

    Last night, a meth lab INSIDE A NURSING HOME blew up in Ohio. And there you have Frothy's base.

  39. Barb

    I just got back from the restaurant where the manager gave me a tour of the pictures of Hillary, Barack, George Bush, and then this: http://i44.tinypic.com/2d7ggva.jpg

    The manger said, "That's Sarah Palin, John McCain and that's her husband." I said, "Yeah Todd bangs hookers" The manager was speechless!

      1. Barb

        We had a good time. I keep forgetting how well my voice carries and said a few naughty things about the GOPhers. I got invited to a party in La Jolla, so I guess not everyone was offended.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Wait. You were at a restaurant in New Mexico, and got invited to a party in La Jolla? You really are awesome.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Magnificent.

      Barb, if you're ever in the Baltimore – D.C. area I want to be there to witness your awesome Restaurant Reign of Terror.

  40. chascates

    Kirsten, when you say 'your editors are in some kind of debate' does that mean the wine is kicking in?

  41. Steverino247

    Santorum wins ND, TN, OK and probably Ohio. Huge night for Santorum.
    Gingrich wins GA, which means nothing.
    Romney wins VA but 40% of the voters hate him enough to vote for Paul. Had Santorum been on the ballot, what might have been? ID, VT and MA were expected wins, so no news cycle for him there.

  42. Maman

    Oooh. Chris Matthews is getting tough. "Let's be a little freaking serious here" How can you take some of this stuff seriously.

  43. Barrelhse

    Kristen pulled the late shift, just when we're getting drunk and running out of material.

  44. cheetojeebus

    We are so fucked. Even if the Democrats sweep in November. That a good portion of the country thinks even one of these guys is ok is so damn depressing.

        1. Gainsbourg69

          At least they don't go to church, werent nursed on cold war paranoia and didn't grow up during the American apartheid.

    1. MadBrahms

      Picture with "owners" proves that Obama is in fact a slave, and therefore ineligible for the presidency. I will alert WND immediately.

  45. chascates

    Romney has 78% in Idaho with 16% reporting. Santorum should be killing in this state of militia and Christian Dominionists! What's up?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Mormons.

      Lots and lots of Mormons.

      I mean, like, assloads of Mormons, all driving Suburbans.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Mormons are how he carried Arizona, too. When we know for a fact that Grampa Paul's ideology is all the rage here. Mormons do as they are told. Even if every fiber of their beings resists.

  46. MadBrahms

    Are those empty chairs in that CNN image? If so, did they tell people Mittens might stop by? First mistake.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      I had a good look at it (I'm watching CNN here) and there are far too many blah people for a Republican convention.

  47. FakaktaSouth

    Chris Matthews, et al just scared the shit out of the poor guy who, because he said some vows he actually buys into, sits here with me and listens to me scream at the tv and type and say "HUH?" to everything he says. Poor Hubs is worried about the stealthy Santorum sycophants now. I say you can always see that shit coming.

  48. chascates

    Palin on CNN tonight about running for Prez:
    "I don't discount any idea or plan that, at this point, isn't in my control. Anything's possible.
    …. I would seriously consider whatever I can do to help our country."

    Suicide would be the greatest help.

  49. Fukui-sanYesOta

    I don't discount any idea or plan that, at this point, isn't in my control.

    Does that mean she discounts any plan that is in her control? Because that would make a lot of sense.

    edit: that was supposed to be a reply to chascates but I'm drinking rum

  50. ttommyunger

    I'm posting this Wednesday morning because of 'puter problems. I missed all this teevee machine nooz because I have good sense-and a life.

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