what is anything

Super Tuesday Liveblog The Third: Spit It Out, Ohio! And Other Vague Shrugs Of Assent

i am sad and sleepy

Hello. What are you doing? It’s time to figure out what some quadrilateral land masses think about three organic masses and one gas, which were each forced to apply for Obama’s job because their tyrannical wives and gas-wife made them. We would say, We are watching this very closely, but that would be plagiarism, so we will just say, We have televisions that seem to work. What’s happened so far is that Romney has won Virginia and hilariously won a large portion of Massachusetts, Gingrich has won Georgia but has yet to figure out what his sleep number is, and Ron Paul has gone to Outer Snow Space to speak to a frozen tundra of anemia sufferers. Santorum has won Tennessee. Romney has also won Vermont, which is a real shame, and we’re still waiting to find out about Ohio, and what percentage of any of this matters.

8:30PM — “I just want to tell you something interesting about how this is going to work,” said somebody on CNN just a minute ago (WE ARE PASTBLOGGING FOR A SEC) about the “tight” “race” between Romney and Santorum in Ohio, and she unfortunately did not go on to say, “Obama will be reelected in a historic landslide, and we will laugh and laugh,” but did say something about truckloads of paper or something. She seemed genuinely excited, whereas earlier John King nodded to Wolf Blitzer in a manner that undeniably said, “I want to kill myself,” and then touched some colored quadrilaterals with his fingertips. BUT that was then, when Jim was still around, and then Sarah Palin came on fresh from a chemical peel and John King and others proverbially kissed the back of her hand and then just to give you a sense of what this world is coming to the CNN headline became SARAH PALIN JUST VOTED IN ALASKA, which is evidently breaking news and is an example of New Old Old New Old New Non-Journalism.
8:31 — “Do you think Sarah Palin…has a role?”
8:31:01 — No.
8:38 — RICK SANTORUM WINS TENNESSEE [CNN PROJACULATION].
8:39 — Now we are in Georgia listening to Callista Gingrich talking like a member of the Jetsons’ housekeeping staff.
8:43 — She is gone. Gone. But she is still there.
8:44 — Gingrich is here. “You believe in the power of ideas.” He is doing his thing of reminding us how very long and slightly he has remained in this amateur badminton championship.
8:47 — This is an AP US History lecture on the most boring chapter of our history, and the students are all drunk and high.
8:49 — Gingrich has declared himself the “tortoise” of this race.
ehhhhhhhhhhh
8:52 — “A long time ago.” “Ideas.” “American history.”
8:54 — “First of all…” It’s been 23 minutes.
8:55 — He would like to conduct “seven three-hour debates” with Obama.
8:56 — Gingrich created a brief maelstrom of Obama heckling by quoting the president as saying, “I’m not really worried about higher gas prices because it will make it harder for me to get reelected.” That kind of makes no sense, but Obama did pretty much say that higher gas prices are a “bad idea for any president looking to get reelected.”
8:57 — He calls Obama’s speeches “so deliciously incoherent.” “And here, also, is an example of delicious incoherence.”
8:58 — ALGAEEEEE. “…[G]o to gas stations with a jar of algae.”
bleeeeerk
Figure 2: The Chinese are on it already.
9:02 — RICK SANTORUM WINS OKLAHOMA WHERE THE FARTS COME SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN.
9:04 — Wolf Blitzer may have just said that Mitt Romney won a state called “Orlant,” which sounds like a tasty but deadly butter substitute.
9:07 — CNN dude rightly points out that Gingrich’s speech consisted almost entirely of “I’m this, I’m that,” and nothing about Georgia. But after all, what or where is Georgia?
9:13 — Santorum is currently LEADING in Ohio with such and such amount of the vote. He is two percent ahead of delegate glutton Mitt Romney, but this will probably change, and it’s very important that we go to FARGO again to see who cares about anything.
9:14 — One North Dakota official lady is talking about “a district at large,” where Ron Paul has literally three times the number of votes of the second-place blob, which is Santorum. And by “votes” so far we mean a number of yeses so small you can count them on 12 hands or in Romney’s case two hands. Who is paying for this information to appear on the television? (Mitt Romney.)
9:17 — Santorum is holding a rally in “Stupidville” [fine, Steubenville] Ohio.
9:20 — PARENTS’ NIGHT. Look at what can happen if you have sex once a year and don’t even have to have enjoyed it.
9:22 — Rebecca Black maaaay, may be one of Santorum’s children.
tuesday tuesday gonna get drunk on tuesday
HAY
9:24 — Rick Santorum declares Ohio to be “still too close to call,” and yet here he is, telling us that Freedom is Ending.
9:28 — “Our rights come to us from our creator.” The creator is now rolling in his grave.
9:29 — “Rebecca Black” just looked at Santorum like, “Oh, fuck, I’m outta here, I hate children, including myself.”
9:30 — Can you imagine being this angry at health insurance, at an inanimate object that is just trying to help?
9:31 — Can you imagine?
9:31 — That your life’s work is taking out a restraining order on the government, which is not even stalking you?
9:32 — “We need a fighter…understanding how neighborhoods and families work.” Let us guess how: BAD SEX!
9:32 — “Mom’s hamming it up a little bit over there.”
9:33 — “I’m a little worried about [Rick Santorum]‘s mother standing there that whole time” – Wolf Blitzer. But don’t worry, America, “she’s very spry.” Alright. Time for some CLOSE LOOKS. CLOSE L@@KS. And it is time to hand off this tuber to KIRSTEN! Farewell.

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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408 comments

    1. iburl

      I am a real Amer-i-can
      Fight for the rights of all rich men
      I am a real Amer-i-can
      Not an Alin-sky-ite Kenyan!

  1. Biff

    I just walked in the door, and Shouty Keith tells me santorum won Tennessee. Fucking Vols.

        1. FROTHY

          It's been interesting, if exhausting. It's about a 16-18 hour time-difference, and it's been very difficult trying to adapt. But it's very beautiful, if difficult and strange. Did you know that sick people do not like to be told that they're ill and need to rest? On the plus side, the sister has not taken my head off yet. On the minus side, I have never had so much hard physical labour to cope with. No time to go looky-loo yet, but we have plans for when she's feeling a bit better. Although she's driving herself off to strange places without me and I'm not supposed to say anything about it. Siblings can be difficult. I know you know about this because you have a few your own self, yes?

          (Hugs the Biff most fondly) Thanks for being a good pal, Biffz.

          1. Biff

            If you get anywhere near Uluru, pour out a 40 in memory of my oldest brother who died there; I never got to go there, myself.

          2. FROTHY

            So sorry to hear that, Biffster. WTH was he doing up in that Aboriginal sacred place? Not trying to convert the natives, one hopes?

            I'm not really holidaying here, so, don't expect to see Uluru, but I will pour out a libation for the dear departed. Were you two very close? (Hugs the Biff) It's tough, innit, losing family? Very sorry about your brother.

          3. Biff

            Oh hell no, he was working in Alice Springs building some missile-tracking shit. Just out drinking and driving, which was a family tradition. I survived, he didn't. He was my hero, so it was sad, but also very long ago. See, he was the first to escape our wretched family, and I wanted to be just like him. We were very much alike, after all.

  2. SorosBot

    And heeeeeeeeeere's Newtie! And the plastic surgery disaster, who is actually speaking.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      She looks like a bottle opener when she talks. I had only seen her open that face once before when they asked her the Lent question. Hawky. bleh.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Oh god. Do not make me google before and afters. Dammit. Well, I guess I gotta do something while Newt blathers…on and on with this guy.

  3. chascates

    NPR has a reporter at the Tennessee GOP war room which is actually the Country Music Hall of Fame. Santorum just picked as winner.

  4. el_donaldo

    Newt is deeply meditating on a) new wives, b) blowjobs from new wives, or c) maybe using his stump speech to discuss the threat of Sharia to new wives and blowjobs.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I like to call it Republican gerrymandering. JTP will go up against either Marcy Kaptur or Dennis Kucinich in Nov.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    He just told Georgians they were all whatever the opposite of elite is and they cheered. Y'all suck! Yay!

    1. Terry

      Well, as this IS the Georgia Republican primary we're talking about, old Newty may have a point. Newt is officially the King of the Dumbfucks.

  6. SorosBot

    Newt says that his campaign isn't dead because he managed to win his own state. Way to go!

  7. BarackMyWorld

    What was Newt doing in 1958 that it constitutes the beginning of his political career?

  8. CapnFatback

    In a curious stroke of Diebold comeuppance here in Ohio today, no matter what GOP presidential candidate's box you ticked, the screen read "Obama."

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, based upon the movie Deliverance I thought Georgia was the natural home of Santorum.

  10. user-of-owls

    It must have cost the Newt-a-mania campaign a heap of money to have those vocal chords implanted in Callista.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It isn't possible that Ohio is smart enough to not vote for any of them, eh?

    1. chascates

      Just take a gander at their two senators. Red faced, Jesusy, and hatin' on the gayz, womenz, and brownz.

      1. DoktorThompson

        "Just take a gander at [everyone in the state]. Red faced, Jesusy, and hatin' on the gayz, womenz, and brownz."

        Fixed.

  12. swizzard

    I think Knute has just started calling Romney "Wall Street"? Which, I thought Wall Street = the Good Guys?

    1. chascates

      "can you tell me where they've gone?, i thought i saw 'em walkin' up over the hill
      Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike"

  13. FakaktaSouth

    Oh good lord. Interrupt him again – someone – anyone. I thought Newts were lizards? They're tortoises?

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I hear Newt say “frankly” one more time I will hunt him down and give a fearsome frown.

  15. fuflans

    here is funny shakespeare commentary on republicans:

    And hang a calf's-skin on his recreant limbs.

    (i am multi-tasking blogging and making cuts to 'king john'.)

    1. Limeylizzie

      In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

      ~H. L. Mencken

    2. C_R_Eature

      I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you moldy rogue, away!

      - Henry IV, part 2

      "All of Them, Katie."

  16. V572 Flambé

    I don't hate Mitt, or even Lil Ricky. But man I hate this arrogant bloated shitsack.

    1. C_R_Eature

      I knew that horrible Blow Toad would behave that way. Hence the swift deployment of the MUTE button.

      In a more perfect world, he's be shut in a room full of Napoleons.

  17. chascates

    Gingrich just said the media, who thought he was dead in the summer, should rethink things now that he won one solitary state.

      1. Schmannnity

        On to Pennsylvania and the Homestead Riot vote and then on to Illinois for the Haymarket Riot vote.

  18. Pragmatist2

    Uh- Newt- Speaking for that portion of the "elites" who don't have PhDs, have not been college professors and who have not been Speaker of the House – I may be an "elite" but you, sir, are a loser.

  19. V572 Flambé

    Newt's saying everything in this speech because he isn't going together another chance. Finish, asshole. We need more Tamron time.

  20. Doktor Zoom

    Dagnabbed NPR coverage isn't carrying Newt's idiocy live. I am unsure whether this is a bad thing.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      You're not missing anything.
      1. People will soon catch on to his campaign.
      2. He's running against Obama not the other Republicans.
      3. He can reduce the price of gas.
      4. Obama is a Muslim.

    2. chascates

      At least the NPR fund drive is over. The PBS one is going on now but fortunately I'm enjoying a special on the Black Death on a digital feed. The Black Death seems pretty timely today.

    3. C_R_Eature

      You Lucky Bastard! You Lucky, lucky Bastard! You lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky…

      *SHUT UP*

      sorry.

  21. ElPinche

    8:55 : El Pinche rolls a big fat blunt and puts a torch to it. It's Finding Bigfoot time. "That's definitely squatch sign!"

    In many ways squatch is like Reagan. The GOP keeps looking for him . Giant bear poops in the forest gives them hope, but in the end they'll never find him.

      1. Pres.Beeblebrox

        This is more like the show under the tent where you pay $2 to see a three-headed cow and a bearded woman, except the bearded woman is covered in whore trinkets and sounds like a 84-year-old iron mausoleum gate.

  22. SorosBot

    The President will never again bow to the Saudi king – but it must be OK if they hold hands with each other.

  23. SorosBot

    Newt, in his endless, rambling speech, actually has the gall to call Obama incoherent. Projection much?

    1. FROTHY

      Probably the most coherent, lucid, and inspiring speaker ever to have held the Presidency, but whatevs, I guess this is just the Dunning-Krueger effect in operation.

  24. FakaktaSouth

    You really COULD sell tickets to a debate with Pres O for charity Newt, I would buy 10,000. Oh lord to watch this guy get bitch slapped by an ACTUAL intellectual. Be still my heart.

  25. Extemporanus

    I really, really wish that it didn't sometimes take five forlorn minutes for multi-page comment thread posts to refresh (on an iPad). Submitting shitty witticisms in the face of Jim's repeated, unseen, yet belatedly appreciated orders to "get the fuck out there's a new thread you dope" has a way of dulling one's drive to soldier on.

    Also, fuck you, Newt. For starters…

    1. BarackMyWorld

      He is seriously making this shit up as he goes along, as to not be seen using the dreaded teleprompter.

  26. SorosBot

    You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise. It's crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    I'm mentioning this awesome Bill Maher quote again:
    "Gas is high cause of tensions with Iran. You can bitch about gas prices, or you can beat the drum for war, but u can't do both."

          1. C_R_Eature

            No, that would create Moral Hazard. They'll just have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, apply themselves and figure out how to open it all by themselves. Somehow.

  28. SorosBot

    Please tell us how $2.50 gas is attainable – because it fucking isn't you moron.

    And no, I'm not going to Newt.org no matter how many times you pimp it.

  29. weej_bain

    With Newtie takin' this long to mark one win, what will we have to deal with when Frothy & Mittens take their bows for each winning a few moar???

    Since this all really is vaudeville, where is the beloved hook?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      That is a malicious slander against pigs, madame. Babe, Gordy, and Wilbur will be sending you a sternly worded letter.

  30. BarackMyWorld

    It was $1.89 when Obama took office…And it was $4 the summer before that!

    God, you have to be stupid to agree with this guy.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        As they say in the 'Bams, "Thank God for Mississippi."

        Oh wait, that's not much better.

  31. Doktor Zoom

    True fact: At Mittens' Ohio HQ just now, the crowd was rockin' out to "Play That Funky Music, White Boy."

    1. Pres.Beeblebrox

      Meanwhile Frothy slid from behind and is now surging ahead of Mittens in the Almost-A-Palindrome-State by 4,000 votes.*

      *One of the few funny things PJ O'Rourke has written.

  32. C_R_Eature

    Gingrich! It's not the State of the Union! It'll NEVER be the State of the Union! SHUT UP!!

  33. Slim_Pickins

    On top of everything else, Newt is narcoleptic, who knew besides Callista and when did they know it?

      1. Slim_Pickins

        Nah, sleep apnea is completely different, its pauses in breathing or shallow breaths while you sleep. Narcolepsy is a disorder marked by excessive daytime sleepiness, uncontrollable sleep attacks, and cataplexy. All three of which Newt exhibits in the video.

  34. Chet Kincaid

    MSNBC is showing how Newt just lied about what Obama said about gas prices at his press conference. Hey Newt, there's an opening for CEO at the Big Puss-Bag Web Network!

  35. user-of-owls

    Imagine how long the fat little cunt talked as a kid when his mother put one of his grotesque crayon scrawls on the refrigerator.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      " .. so the ELITES, like Mrs Schmitz, claim that cows are not green and cannot be green. That's what they want you to think. However, thanks to my vision and leadership, we now have a green cow as evidenced by this diagram …"

  36. user-of-owls

    Oh for the love of christ, now we have to listen to the founder of the Woman Haters Club?

  37. OurHoboSenator

    The truth is we finished counting the votes in Ohio an hour ago. We're just sitting on the results because we're huge drama queens, and we live for this. Sorry, America.

  38. FakaktaSouth

    Look at me in the Janitor's closet!!!! Am I an idiot or what??? Woooo Real People!!!! what is WRONG WITH THESE GUYS???

  39. Doktor Zoom

    We're in a high school gymnasium–which is all the farther anyone should ever take their education if they truly love God and America!

  40. Data Exactly

    According to my sources, Newt Gingrich passed 50% in Georgia, so nobody can take it from him. As if anybody wanted Georgia. Gingrich can have it.

  41. DustBowlBlues

    Hello. This is the 123rd. voter (as of 6:00) in my county. We had a chicken-shit Republic who ran against Obama along with a robo call asking me to give the baby killing etc. (it's the Dust Bowl. You can fill in the rather gory details yourselves.You've heard it all before.

    Now Rick is speaking. I wish Newt would start crawling the other way and give this right-wing scary fucker a chance. WTF? Sweater vest won Tennessee–a state too long with too many vowels.

    The end.

  42. C_R_Eature

    Santorum: Eve-ry Sperm is Saaaa-cred, Eve-ry Sperm is Great! If a Sperm gets Wasted, God gets Quite Irate!

  43. ProgressiveInga

    It's impossible to miss the distinctive "Santorum Forehead" on the msbnc feed right now.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I wonder if that family has passed the 'too fugly to reproduce' threshold, but then I think of a homeschooler yearbook and I can safely say no. Somebody's gonna mate with these big waterhead fuckers, who knows why.

    1. user-of-owls

      No, that was one of the boats that Columbus was on, you know, with the Pinta and the Nina.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Try moving around the room and see if her eyes follow you, if so, shoot the wall under your tv set.

  44. shrillharpy

    Just introduced his fam. Where's his daughter with the doll and matching outfits? LUVS HER!

      1. shrillharpy

        Is she the one in the glasses? They all still sport that creepy "Children of the Corn" look. Can't tell. Regardless, Rick's still a raging asshat.

  45. C_R_Eature

    Santorum: Let's get all the children up here! That's right, Buckaroos! Drive that herd on up here! Hyah! Yee Ha! Yip Yip Yip!

  46. Jukesgrrl

    Santorum is 53. Are his parents really old enough to have fought in WWII? Or are they the greatest just because they gave birth to him?

      1. Limeylizzie

        She looks so sad, I feel a bit sorry for her, actually. Hi there Beloved Owls BTW.

          1. Extemporanus

            Can I borrow that vibrator when you're done with it?

            These sexxxy speeches are making me want to ear rape myself.

  47. Doktor Zoom

    As we all know, expanding health insurance is EXACTLY how most great nations have fallen.

  48. OurHoboSenator

    As someone stuck in a job I hate because of a pre-existing condition, FUCK YOU, Rick.

    1. FROTHY

      For those who don't already know, Rick Santorum pays $100K p.a. for "home health care" aides for little Bella.

      For those of us who might have relatives at home who could use a little of that, y'all are SHIT OUTA LUCK, fuckers.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      He has seven living children and his financial statements say he has five college funds. So two of them aren't going. One is Bella. The other?

  49. user-of-owls

    He's right, you know. Last year when I broke my leg I looked to my neighbor for help.

    Sure, he told me to fuck off, but at least the government didn't "have me."

  50. C_R_Eature

    "Kids, I sent all o'your College money to that nice Preacher man who was screwin' that Hockey player."

  51. Doktor Zoom

    The Founding Fathers pledged their lives, their honor, and their sacred trust to ensuring that Americans would be free to go bankrupt after a health care emergency.

  52. FakaktaSouth

    The Pavlovian effect in these folks is so amazing. They can absolutely take the most mundane things in the world and make these people INSANE about them. Gnashing teeth over health care policy is fucking crazy. I like my crazy smart. Stupid crazy sucks balls.

  53. smokefilledroommate

    Government control? Like the first goddamn thing you wouldn't do would be to overturn Roe v. Wade. I guess government control is fine and dandy when it's a theocracy. Fucking prick.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Republicans don't want the government to interfere with your healthcare, unless they want the government to interfere with your healthcare.

  54. BarackMyWorld

    "…accept coverage that violates your religious conscience…"

    TEH GUVMENT'S GONNA FORCE YOU TO SWALLOW BIRF CONTROL PILLZ!!!!111one

  55. C_R_Eature

    Again,,,the Individual Mandate was a Heritage Foundation idea you Disingenuous piece of Contaminated Froth, you.

  56. Doktor Zoom

    The Greatest Generation did pretty well going to elitist snobby colleges on the GI Bill…and having a top tax rate of over 60% on the wealthiest…and they didn't have to rely on the Government to win WWII!

  57. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Looks like Frothmeister 3000 might well win Florida.

    Here's CNN's breakdown of vote by race

    White Romney 39% Santorum 36%
    (96%)

    Black NA because sample too small
    (1%)

    Other NA because sample too small
    (3%)

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      and let's add "freedom", "government" and "obamacare"

      it's the only way to be sure

  58. FakaktaSouth

    Yeah dude with the sick daughter you never see because you're chasing this bullshit around – tell me all about sacrificing ANY thing for another person, much less your life for your country.

  59. fuflans

    npr is telling me health care is going to be santorum's wedge issue to attack romney.

    gross.

  60. weej_bain

    Well looks like Frothy has a hat trick with Tennessee, Oklahoma, and North Dakota. In Ohio he may face another hat trick with the Cleveland Steamer, Cincinnati Surprise, and Toledo Bow Tie. Not doing so well in the cities Ricky.

  61. chascates

    Liz, you're getting more comments than the previous editors. Take tomorrow off. Enjoy.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      What, even the slimfast monica lewinsky (thanks owls!) whose face looks like a penny glued to a triangle of Laughing Cow cheese?

      1. FROTHY

        La Vache qui Rit! We used to eat those horrible things, on Jacobs' Cream Crackers, ew.

        That, and Marie biscuits for tea.

  62. fuflans

    npr is also telling me mittens has flip flopped on health care.

    this is the kind of coverage i turn to the tv for npr.

    and fucking put matt continetti out to pasture.

  63. Limeylizzie

    TPMLivewire
    09:35 PM EST
    Kucinich, Kaptur Neck And Neck In Ohio
    Results are trickling in for the Democratic Primary between Reps. Dennis Kucinich and Marcy Kaptur in Ohio's 9th District. With 16% of precincts reporting, Kaptur has 51% of the vote and Kucinich has 45%.

  64. CapnFatback

    If Rebecca Black is indeed Santorum's daughter, we now know the answer to the "front seat/back seat" conundrum.

  65. Biff

    Less than 20 minutes until Justified. Watching Timothy Oliphant waste some hillbillies always makes me smile.

  66. user-of-owls

    The Government is evil!
    The Government is vile!
    The Government is your enemy!

    Elect me to run The Government!

  67. fuflans

    here is more evidence that shakespeare new some republicans:

    "Thou odouriferous stench! sound rottenness!
    Thou hate and terror to prosperity"

    1. C_R_Eature

      Thou] sanguine coward, [thou] bed-presser, [thou] horseback-breaker, [thou] huge hill of flesh!
      -Henry IV, part I

      Gingrich? Limbaugh? Both?

  68. C_R_Eature

    There's some sort of terrible Disney Anamitronic talking robot on my teevee screen but it's saying nonsense, like those Presidents in…oh wait, that's Mittens.
    Never mind.

  69. C_R_Eature

    Romney, for real now, just almost said: "In 2012, we're gonna get him (Obama) out of the Outhouse".

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