Mitt Romney has “captured the Old Dominion,” Virginia, after the Illuminati threw all of Ron Paul’s votes in the trash dumpster. Does this count as a “Southern win” for Romney, at long last? Ugh, technically, but it wasn’t so hard when all of the non-Ron Paul candidates were taken out, for being to stupid to fill out a form. And whoa hey, who’s gonna win Ohio? Let’s hope it’s Mitt, then Santorum will be finished again, and Newt will emerge as the new anti-Romney for a couple more weeks etc. etc. etc. [deep breath] holy shit, let’s liveblog the television!
7:37 — Mitt Romney is now the Forest Queen of Vermont, according to NBC. The Founding Fathers of Vermont (The Care Bears) would be ashamed.
7:40 — “Ohio clearly matters the most,” they all keep saying, because it’s true! To expand upon that breathless babbling in the intro paragraph, the next two primaries are in the Deep South, where Gingrich should win, so let’s all root for anything that kills Rick Santorum (in politics) and swings things back to Newt. Also — OH WAIT: STOP EVERYTHING: RON PAUL IS SPEAKING. He wants to end the Fed and the wars.
7:47 — Oh my god there are hilarious sparkly old ladies in Georgia on the television! Pic soon! “What you see is what you get with [Newt],” one of them says. “He needs Sarah Palin!” says another. Well.
7:50 — A Beltway Pentagon Lobbyist Insider “familiar with the Speaker” tells us that these are Newt Wives #13-16:
7:55 — Why does CNN restart its show every half-hour? Then there is this endless noise/background song that always plays like, bump, bump, ba da dump, SCREECH, bump, bump, ba da bump, SCREECH. It’s great television! Anyway, back to the mental hospital for us.
7:58 — Coming Up: Tennessee and Oklahoma! Voters in those primaries are 70%+ Evangelical which is just… that’s a lot of Jesus, folks.
8:00 — STUNNER: Mitt Romney wins Massachusetts! How are there even any people left there, after the Romney Plan to secure them all affordable health care a few years ago killed 100% of the population?
8:06 — “You have to be a servant leader to connect with people” — Moustache guy on CNN, Alex Castlevania or whatever. He is orange-faced, and wearing a red tie. Why does seemingly every Republican male in Washington make this obvious mistake, all the time?
8:12 — CNN isn’t really into utilizing a full spectrum of colors to show who won each state. Rick Santorum’s states are purple, which is comical. But Mitt Romney is dark red, Newt Gingrich is neon red, Ron Paul is pale red. Are we picking the paint shade for Wolf Blitzer’s new add-on masturbatorium here or what?
8:15 — Dana Bash is looking out a ballot-counting office window and pointing at the empty parking lot, saying, “This is where the truck with the ballots will come in.” Live television, baby.
8:20 — Oh fuck, Sarah Palin is on CNN from her caucus place in Wasilla.
8:21 — “I won’t TELL you, um, who I voted fo… I wanted to say hi to Wolf and everyone!” Yep, she’s three sheets to the wind. Oh my god, CNN asks her if she’s running in 2016. “Anything is possible for an American.” CNN follows up with the same question; Wonkette liveblogger heard screaming four states away.
8:25 — Wolf Blitzer asks her about Rush Limbaugh calling ladies sluts, after an awkward delay; Wonkette liveblogger heard screaming 50 states away.
8:25 — Sarah Palin is better at speaking on camera than the entire CNN crew combined. Why is this shot on a fucking Windows 3.1 camera phone? Oh there is Todd, sitting by the vending machine.
8:29 — There is now a full CNN panel discussion about whether Sarah Palin will run at either the convention or in 2016. “Does Sarah Plain have a role as a candidate in the future?” There is no future, CNN. There is no future.
8:35 — Rick Santorum wins Tennessee! “Is this Mitt’s LDS problem?” Chris Matthews says because he has like two thoughts total. “It’s the old religion problem.” The OLLLLL’ RELIGION problem. MSNBC: Lean Forward, Bend Over.
8:37 — Okay, this Wonkette writer is going to the liquor store again, go read Liz Colville right here for the next hour! NOW!