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Super Tuesday Liveblogging Part II: Mitt Saves Virginia! (& Ohio??)

Mitt Romney has “captured the Old Dominion,” Virginia, after the Illuminati threw all of Ron Paul’s votes in the trash dumpster. Does this count as a “Southern win” for Romney, at long last? Ugh, technically, but it wasn’t so hard when all of the non-Ron Paul candidates were taken out, for being to stupid to fill out a form. And whoa hey, who’s gonna win Ohio? Let’s hope it’s Mitt, then Santorum will be finished again, and Newt will emerge as the new anti-Romney for a couple more weeks etc. etc. etc. [deep breath] holy shit, let’s liveblog the television!

7:37 — Mitt Romney is now the Forest Queen of Vermont, according to NBC. The Founding Fathers of Vermont (The Care Bears) would be ashamed.

7:40 — “Ohio clearly matters the most,” they all keep saying, because it’s true! To expand upon that breathless babbling in the intro paragraph, the next two primaries are in the Deep South, where Gingrich should win, so let’s all root for anything that kills Rick Santorum (in politics) and swings things back to Newt. Also — OH WAIT: STOP EVERYTHING: RON PAUL IS SPEAKING. He wants to end the Fed and the wars.

7:47 — Oh my god there are hilarious sparkly old ladies in Georgia on the television! Pic soon! “What you see is what you get with [Newt],” one of them says. “He needs Sarah Palin!” says another. Well.

7:50 — A Beltway Pentagon Lobbyist Insider “familiar with the Speaker” tells us that these are Newt Wives #13-16:

7:55 — Why does CNN restart its show every half-hour? Then there is this endless noise/background song that always plays like, bump, bump, ba da dump, SCREECH, bump, bump, ba da bump, SCREECH. It’s great television! Anyway, back to the mental hospital for us.

7:58 — Coming Up: Tennessee and Oklahoma! Voters in those primaries are 70%+ Evangelical which is just… that’s a lot of Jesus, folks.

8:00 — STUNNER: Mitt Romney wins Massachusetts! How are there even any people left there, after the Romney Plan to secure them all affordable health care a few years ago killed 100% of the population?

8:06 — “You have to be a servant leader to connect with people” — Moustache guy on CNN, Alex Castlevania or whatever. He is orange-faced, and wearing a red tie. Why does seemingly every Republican male in Washington make this obvious mistake, all the time?

8:12 — CNN isn’t really into utilizing a full spectrum of colors to show who won each state. Rick Santorum’s states are purple, which is comical. But Mitt Romney is dark red, Newt Gingrich is neon red, Ron Paul is pale red. Are we picking the paint shade for Wolf Blitzer’s new add-on masturbatorium here or what?

8:15 — Dana Bash is looking out a ballot-counting office window and pointing at the empty parking lot, saying, “This is where the truck with the ballots will come in.” Live television, baby.

8:20 — Oh fuck, Sarah Palin is on CNN from her caucus place in Wasilla.

8:21 — “I won’t TELL you, um, who I voted fo… I wanted to say hi to Wolf and everyone!” Yep, she’s three sheets to the wind. Oh my god, CNN asks her if she’s running in 2016. “Anything is possible for an American.” CNN follows up with the same question; Wonkette liveblogger heard screaming four states away.

8:25 — Wolf Blitzer asks her about Rush Limbaugh calling ladies sluts, after an awkward delay; Wonkette liveblogger heard screaming 50 states away.

8:25 — Sarah Palin is better at speaking on camera than the entire CNN crew combined. Why is this shot on a fucking Windows 3.1 camera phone? Oh there is Todd, sitting by the vending machine.

8:29 — There is now a full CNN panel discussion about whether Sarah Palin will run at either the convention or in 2016. “Does Sarah Plain have a role as a candidate in the future?” There is no future, CNN. There is no future.

8:35 — Rick Santorum wins Tennessee! “Is this Mitt’s LDS problem?” Chris Matthews says because he has like two thoughts total. “It’s the old religion problem.” The OLLLLL’ RELIGION problem. MSNBC: Lean Forward, Bend Over.

8:37 — Okay, this Wonkette writer is going to the liquor store again, go read Liz Colville right here for the next hour! NOW!

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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        1. Dashboard Buddha

          I don't know what they would call it, but it would change flavors as you ate it.

          EDIT – Ate…ATE you buffoon! You claim to really dig these people, but you don't give them the full word.

          (full disclosure – my laptop keyboard doesn't like my Sasquatch sized hands…especially when I've been drinking. Which is now.

  1. DrunkIrishman

    Romney is going to win Ohio. Now Santorum can go back to his Virginia compound and jerk off to photos of Jerry Falwell.

        1. FROTHY

          (Hugs you) Hey, dood! Only for a little while. I must return to my duties as soon as Madam returns from the tailor with all her clothing one size or two smaller.

          Hah, she thinks she can drive in her condition. Never argue with a sick person, tho. They get awful crabby from health crises-ing.

          1. MosesInvests

            Nope, can't argue with sick wimmenz. Anyway, throw a couple of shrimp on the barbie, eat a Vegemite sandwich, and tie me kangaroo down, sport. And take care of yourself while you're taking care of your sister, ok?

          2. FROTHY

            Nail me 'ide when I'm dead, Fred,
            Nail me 'ide when I'm dead
            So we nailed 'is 'ide when 'e died, Clyde
            That's it 'angin' there by the shed!

            I love that song. Goes great with loud drunken roustabouts.

            Thanks so much, Mose. (Hugs the li'l Investor)

    1. memzilla

      Why does "win Oklahoma" sound like a fourth-place consolation prize? [no disrespect, DBB]

      1. chascates

        She's more likely avoiding her rightwing relatives. The county I was born in up in the Texas Panhandle had a 96% vote for McCain in 2008.

          1. FROTHY

            Not exactly, love. Doing my duty, and for quite a while yet. Might be able to sneak back in occasionally, but not often.

  2. Maman

    I am sure that Mittens is really concerned that the peeps who voted for him aren't ENTHUSIASTIC. Like it is less of a vote somehow.

    1. Schmannnity

      Ron Paul would be good for an additional 9 to 15 points if he would only wear a fedora.

    1. HistoriCat

      I would donate to Mitt's campaign if he told TN what Crockett did – "you can all go to hell, I'm going to Texas."

  3. AlterNewt

    Now Mitt can leave these distractions behind and get down to the serious business of losing to Obama.

      1. ThundercatHo

        Hummels, Lenox bird sculptures, Snow Babies, those hideous blown glass thingies they sell at a kiosk in the mall . . . you know, dust collectors aka shit you buy for your little old gray-haired mother and will give away at the estate sale.

        1. FROTHY

          You buy your Momz HUMMERS???

          Oh, Hummels. Right. Vision problems. (Hyperventilates at the thought of now-dead Mom purchasing hummers)

        1. FROTHY

          Let's put it this way: it's summer over here.

          Do your ears hang low,
          Do they dangle to and fro?

          "Ears" was not part of the original lyrics.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Thanks, DB, I shall remember that as I get an urge to buy a brightly coloured track suit and comfortable shoes.

          2. Fare la Volpe

            My mother has been timing herself every time she comes home: each day she tries to beat her previous record of how fast she can slip into her muumuu.

            God help me.

          3. Maman

            Are you going for the velour track suits or the balloon material ones? I will go for the pastels, I think. And glasses around my neck on a chain

          4. ThundercatHo

            Don't forget the gigantic lame' handbag and/or animal print tote for your newspaper clippings, knitting and taser.

          5. ThundercatHo

            I remember you and Barb knitting for the Occupados. Are you planning a BHO inspired piece?

      1. JustPixelz

        Perhaps they were hawt once. Now reduced to matching vests in deranged devotion to the guy who married his high school geometry teacher.

  4. Chet Kincaid

    OMG, the East Cob Kickers, a quartet of old Georgia ladies dressed up in flag/bee costumes! One of them is having a stroke in the middle of her response!

    1. shrillharpy

      Oh, shit. I thought it was "Coast!" Well, the white russians are goin' down MIGHTY SMOOTHE! Yee haw!

  5. BarackMyWorld

    Watching MSNBC: These old women being interviewed at Newt HQ are just sad. Sad, sad, sad, sad, sad….

    "He's a good ole boy." Oy.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Well, I guess you could say Newt is making his way the only way he knows how. Though he's also had a little more fun than the law should allow.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        I have always felt that was one of the most nonsensical tourism slogans ever.
        (True story: The ad agency that came up with "Virginia is for Lovers" campaign would eventually morph into the agency that came up with those GEICO cavemen ads.)

  6. chascates

    Mark Shields on PBS Newshour says Santorum can 'live off the land' and stay in the race.

  7. cheetojeebus

    The bloodsucking tentacles of rightwing politics are whirling and writhing around tonight like some undead mutant specter from a John Carpenter movie.
    Step 1 for survival: ______________________!

      1. C_R_Eature

        And Propane bottles. Make huge bombs in the backyard, Drink Heavily, shoot them and laugh hysterically at the fireballs.
        It'll keep the neighbors away.

  8. JayRinga

    True story – I was sitting at home, feeling shitty and watching this clown car drive, when these 4 elderly, star spangled Newt Gingrich ladies popped on my teevee. I was so excited, but no one in my house understands why…

    I knew you guys would understand why.

    I love you Wonkette.

  9. Chet Kincaid

    My God, walls and walls of disorienting screens! The only way CNN can top themselves now is to do election coverage from inside an Imax OmniMax theatre, with Wolf and Cooper flying around the dome-screen on a Spider-Man rigging system!

  10. SorosBot

    I asked this on the lower thread before realizing that there was a new one, but do all Georgians wear such horrible, butt-ugly fashion disasters, or just those four sartorially challenged old biddies?

    1. MissTaken

      Butt-ugly? What are you talking about?? See, some of them have small stars and some of them have big stars. That's what the kids call 'fashion'.

    2. C_R_Eature

      It's the Kudzu. It exudes hallucinogenic oil.

      Don't ever try to burn the stuff, you'll Freak Out the whole neighborhood.

  11. KeepFnThatChicken

    Awww, it's so sweet to look at Georgia butt-humping South Carolina in Gingrich Orange™ on the NYT results page. Reminds me of Newt humping Jackie Callista.

    and don't forget the sex chat room is open.

  12. SheriffRoscoe

    Best thing to do with crazy demented old Georgia "Belles" is put 'em on the teevee and let 'em gush.

  13. chascates

    Exit polls indicate wealthy, educated voters went for Romney and poor, ignorant people went for Santorum.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      No surprise that Romney got VA. The GOP establishment here is made up of rich, clueless assholes just like him. The registered base barely came out to vote. They pretty much hate the too liberal Romney & weed-legalizing Paul.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      The farmers in Southern Ohio vote early so they can go to bed at dusk with their cows. Ohio's never over until Cleveland sings around midnight.

  14. OurHoboSenator

    I am so sad that I don't have a sparkly flag vest to wear while I watch these results. Although I am a Communist Alinskyite Kenyan Muslin Demoncrat, so I am probably not worthy of wearing a sparkly flag vest.

  15. SorosBot

    And Ron Paul wins! – one Congressional district in Virginia, in highly Democratic Richmond where a bunch of Dems were crossing over to fuck with Mittens.

  16. Chet Kincaid

    Alex Castallanos on CNN says you've got to get lower than the voters if you want to win. I don't know, all the Repubican candidates seem like snakes to me…

      1. V572 Flambé

        I kinda like him. He calls out S'torum for "crazy talk." granted I'd rather look at Tamron.

  17. weej_bain

    The Tennessee volunteers have Frothy up with 46%. Will this and Oklahoma provide him enough lube? The Ohio results are showing that there may be some rosaries being said for Mittens.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Dude in the cruelest swap I've seen since the Dick York/Sargent, they somehow put Tuck Chode on the monitor??? Perchance she will be back!

    2. Limeylizzie

      She is unbelievable tonight in a really beautiful cream , form-fitting, low-cut number.

  18. Jukesgrrl

    OMG, I just get home and you're already on Part II. I say if former Sen. Mix and his beauteous and pure daughter can't win Oklahoma and Tennessee they may as well hang it up. If the Bible thumpers can't pray him to victory there, he sure isn't going to win enough delegates in the heathen states.

  19. C_R_Eature

    "Walkin' on Sunshine". Heh. Sunshine Acid would either make this spectacle very excruciatingly Funny or Very Very Horrible.
    Or Very Excruciatingly Horribly Funny

  20. johnnymeatworth

    Wait, Sarah Palin actually made it into and out of a polling place? AND cast a vote?

    She must have written herself in.

    1. chascates

      She probably rates a private precinct because of the lamestream media tryin' to git her!

  21. FakaktaSouth

    Broker that convention bitches!!!! COME ON ya know ya want some more of SAYRAH!!! God that chick's voice is STILL worse than the Kickers.

  22. FakaktaSouth

    Oh yeah, Sarah's going to whine about Rush Limbaugh and hypocrisy after she told David Letterman to go fuck his actual apology. THAT CUNT UUUUUUUUGH

    I cannot believe JNew got me to change the channel. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      That's surprising after how she stepped up and criticized his use of the term "re+@rd3d" after criticizing Rahm Emanuel for saying it.

    1. rocktonsam

      the Ididarod is running now with 100's of mushers.

      the Idida$arah has thousands in that race.

  23. Data Exactly

    Rick Santorum won Oklahoma?!? He seems soooooooo not Oklahoma-like. It's hard to explain. Like, if Santorum lived in Oklahoma the natives would tie Santorum up to a wild hog, brand the hog and send him flying across the countryside. Huh.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Catholics might not read the Bible as enthusiastically as Evangelicals do, but at least they read the Bible and not the Book of Mormon.

    1. chascates

      The farmer and I 'processed' 2 ducks a couple of weeks ago and brought up that fine image of her video.

    2. ThundercatHo

      If you liked the Sarah Palin Thanksgiving special just wait to see what's up for Easter.

  24. BarackMyWorld

    Wolf Blitzer asks her about Rush Limbaugh calling ladies sluts, after an awkward delay; Wonkette liveblogger heard screaming 50 states away.

    I'm guessing the forthcoming word salad was too incoherent to summarize?

  25. SorosBot

    And god, some strange old tone-deaf bearded man at Gingrich headquarters in mangling Georgia On My Mind. Ray Charles is spinning in his grave; and at least Willie Nelson is probably too stoned to be offended.

  26. SudsMcKenzie

    Ewwwee, Im getting a lot of Pro Scott Walker commercials tonight.

    Hold me Wonkette, I feel a terrible chill.

  27. FakaktaSouth

    I am so done with that bitch. I have actually enjoyed laughing at her before. She is worthless, she is evil, she is a woman – how??? and I wish she would be smothered by the od'ed corpse of her fatass master. How can she be this horrible, to apologize for that dickbag and sneer and act like there is ANY comparison to what he did to a private citizen? Sarah Palin BEEEEGS for people to say things about her – she made a fortune off of it. She says believing Rush owes that girl anything is Hypocrisy?
    I am done. DONE.

  28. chascates

    Bob Barr is on NPR saying Newt is the hardest working guy he ever met and the smartest as well. Bob Barr does not get around much.

  29. shrillharpy

    Newt's stepford wife. Reminds me of the Femmebots from when I watched "The Bionic Woman."

  30. C_R_Eature

    OH NO. Gingrich is going to speak and knowing his megalomania, he's going to spin winning HIS OWN FUCKING STATE as winning Presidency of the Moon.

    Wait…Callista can speak!? I thought she just went "Meep, Meep!"

  31. Extemporanus

    TRUE FACT: Calista Gingrich only has only four hairs on her head, but they are on average ten inches in diameter.

  32. Extemporanus

    Someone needs to tell that dude behind Cali that his Newt mask is on upside-down.

  33. C_R_Eature

    Newt stepped up to the podium, smiled and said "Y'know…" and I hit the MUTE button.

    Am I missing anything?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Jim is so good to us, after we raged and frothed and called him Rude manes and cried the last time.

  34. cotugirl

    A Palin future is dystopian like "The Hunger Games" or the video game "Half Life". Frightening and depressing. Pass the Kool Aid.

  35. MittsHairHelmet

    8:25 — Sarah Palin is better at speaking on camera than the entire CNN crew combined. Why is this shot on a fucking Windows 3.1 camera phone? Oh there is Todd, sitting by the vending machine.

    Classic Jim Newell. Welcome back.

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