Ever wondered what fairest Cally Gingrich wakes up to every morning? Most mornings? (The occasional morning?) No, you haven’t. But in any event, it’s this face, right here. This is Newt Gingrich, asleep, muttering nonsense about Leon Panetta, while waiting to speak to AIPAC via satellite. But really, him being asleep before the speech — who doesn’t like to sleep? — was the least embarrassing part of his address, because he didn’t really, have a… speech…. to give. Good heavens. Hang in there Newtie, good times are coming!
You can watch “The Speaker” sleep for a couple of minutes in the above clip, and really, you should. Then what happened?
He woke up before he was introduced for his speech. He told the audience:
“I understand you have a panel. I look forward to any questions.”
And then what happened?
Then 12 seemingly eternal seconds of silence followed, oddly reminiscent of a response to a question about Libya given by his eccentric supporter Herman Cain. Gingrich stared blankly into the camera, and the audience stared back.
Finally the AIPAC introducer had to cut the awkward void.
“Mr. Speaker, there is not a panel,” he said. “Please do continue, sir.”
And then what happened?
Gingrich, always the improviser, moved right along.
“Let me just say – I say this pretty briefly, I think,” Gingrich riffed. “We need a fundamental reassessment of our entire understanding of the threat of radical Islam.”
Ahh, so that’s what happened.
[ABC News]
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Looks like an open casket funeral.
He's almost lifelike! It's amazing what Disney Animatronics can do
Too soon, unfortunately.
Why wait 'til he's dead to bury him?
because he's a Pillsbury golem. essentially he's immortal so one day he'll be dug out of the ground by archaeologists and be free to spread terror and grift on an unsuspecting future world.
And flaky Crescent Rolls!
He really is the most like Reagan.
He's a $2.50 gas bag.
And it's the kind of gas that really stinks.
He looks almost angelic, if by "angelic," you mean "a load of dough intended to bake bread for prisoners at the local maximum security prison."
Blingee!
Newtie the Doughboy has been in the oven too long.
Ah, newts are so cute when they're sleeping. I bet he's dreaming about chasing earthworms and little crickets.
Younger, sexier worms.
And his next wife through the school hallways as she mops the floors on the way to her next class!
So mops instead of onions on their belts…
Dreaming of simpler times, when he impeached the Amphibian President for getting a blowjob from a tadpole while doing the same himself.
In Newt's defense, that neck pillow does look mighty comfy.
That's not a…oh I see what you did there.
So this is what a sleeping a**hole looks like — like a human being, but jowlier.
This is what a sleeping historian looks like, dreaming of days of yore when an Alzheimer's sufferer was in the White House and he was on the Speaker's platform.
I think Cally would awaken to her own screams, prompted by the realization that she blew the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man the previous evening.
Cally Gingrich doesn't "wake up". She takes out the stake and lifts the coffin lid.
His expression says "What do you mean 'no panel'??? I'm the goddamned ex-Speaker Of The House, and if I say there's a panel, there's a goddamned panel! And what the hell is that stupid frisbee doing on your head???? I'm Newt Gingrich, dammit!"
So, when he's accused of sleeping with a lot of women out of wedlock, they mean he's snoring and stealing the good blankets.
This is nothing, you should see him when there is a full moon out.
He's shagged out from the latest shopping spree at Tiffany's.
What makes this so precious for me is knowing that, should anyone ever ask him about this, he'll have a self-righteous excuse for being an out-of-it nitwit, and he'll deliver it angrily and to great applause from his fellow nitwits.
And his oration will be laced with Power Adverbs®™ like "fundamentally" and "essentially" and "patently" and "frankly" and "basically." This is the rhetorical trick he uses to convince dumb people that he (Newt) is smart. Even though it is so painfully obvious, every time he speaks, that he is not, and that an "engorged ego" and a "towering intellect" are two very different things.
Elite liberal media, also.
And Saul Alinsky… can't not overlook the connection to Saul factor.
I don't like this new Wonkette layout; am I supposed to watch the Gingrich video at the top or the one off to the side…no, wait, that's just a pig in a cage in that Humane Society ad.
Newt is the pig who's not in the cage.
Dammit!
PIG LIBEL!
(OK, predictable, but true…)
Yet.
Speaking of Wonkette issues, why so many articles today? I've barely had time to START Mass Effect 3, and will be spending all day tomorrow reading the whinings and explanations from the various Sooper-loosers, also.
So, the basic response of any Conservative when jarred awake is to scream "Radial Islam!!!!"
Well, after all, they just replaced their Bias-Ply Islam.
The Radials are great, but be sure to rotate them every 5k miles.
If you can afford them, the run-flats are great, but damn are they expensive.
And they turn east six times a day.
White Walls only.
No low-profiles for those guys, that's for sure.
"Who am I? Why am I here?"
Voters in ten states are asking themselves that question as they stand in line at the polls…
♫Mister, we could use a man like "Tonkin" Stockdale agaiiiiiin.. ♫
"Um…err…Iran? Obama? Saul Alinsky? Moonbases!"
Time to go for a drive, Newt…
He wasn't sleeping. He just closed his eyes and thought about what the next Mrs. Gingrich would be like.
"mmmmm….younger…. mmmmm…. disease free!"
He prepared as well for this speech as he did for the Virginia primary.
Nicely done.
Someday Newt will outgrow his baby fat. Or maybe not.
He just keeps replacing it with younger, fatter baby fat.
At least Newt eats babies and not fetuses.
At least the Libral meedia had the decency to edit out Newt's embarrasing support for his "*SNORE* meeemeemeemee" plan for America, first put forward by the Three Stooges.
That shit happens to me every morning at work while I'm waiting for the first post to come up here at Wonkette. Then I wake up, refresh the screen, Ooh look a new post and FUCK ME THERE'S ALREADY 52 COMMENTS!
You snooze, you Newts, my friend!
That kind of thing seems to always happen right after I take a break to masturbate.
Say, your posts HAVE been spotty today….
Hardcore Wonketteers type with one hand.
We can't all be Barb. Deal with it ;)
One of these days, those jowls are going to reach up and smother him. Failing that, Callista could simply harpoon them and siphon out the blubber for a nice, refreshing facial rub.
Using the term facial rub when commenting about Newt almost cost you an upfist, el.
He's probably just pining for the fjords…
Look at those jowls, lovely plumage.
That's "pfining for the pfjords," you Pfhilistine.
And remember, this is the "intellectual" candidate in the GOP. Then again, Jonah Goldberg is the "funny" one on The Corner.
My guess is Callista just spins that helmet hair of hers around, back to front, and blocks out the sight of that gooey blob whilst sharing the Wamsuttas with him.
This Keebler Elf has strayed from his tree for too long, and his immortality has rather dramatically faded.
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.walletpop.com/blog/med…
But I thought those things had enough preservatives to last forever!
Now we know how he'll answer those 4 AM calls.
Worst Breitbart impersonation ever!
(Too soon?)
Oh, no, it cannot be too soon, hell, he's not cold yet, strike while the body is still warm, I say.
Just missing the hobo whiskers, uncombed hair, and the almost visible reek of scotch.
That wasn't a gaffe — that was just Newt's standard ethnic plug-in. To blacks, it's "You should learn to ask for a job, not a handout." To hispanics, it's "Swim back across the river, learn English and wait your turn," and to the Jews it's "I understand you have a panel."
Gingrich thinks if Blacks would just get pull themselves together they could support themselves with huge speaking fees.
Leave poor Newt alone! He was really enjoying that dream about the transvaginal ultrasound!
My god what a ugly fat baby.
"OHH the French!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFevH5vP32s
"OHH Radical Islam!!"
Honestly, folks, I don't think he's sleeping. I think he quietly and patiently looking for his cock under all the folds.
That might very well be his "orgasm face". /shudder/
*sigh*
*reaching for brain bleach*
DO NOT WANT.
I have a really ghastly personal story about that, but I cannot tell it here, nor can I tell the one about the time I slept with my date's father and how disillusioned I was in the morning when I trod on a strap-on dildo on the floor beside the bed.
You raise teasing to an art form.
He should have said he was deep in prayer. Are you even trying to win this thing, Newt?
Does this mean we have to call the Orangina currently playing the role of Speaker "Speaker" for the rest of his life too?
I dunno, what do they call Nancy Pelosi?
You're right. "She-Demon Boehner" has a nice ring to it.
This is the perfect call at 3:00 p.m..
Edit: Technically, a different joke than Guppy above.
Judges?
Depends. Is he picking up a student or a teacher at the local high school?
I give it an 85. I like the tambourine, and it has a good beat you can dance to.
I think I prefer that video of the sleeping dormouse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRA2o0mtkcc
Not just sleeping, but snoring, thats what makes the dormouse better.
That and the fact that it isn't a vile, cuntish, fat-fuck of a dormouse.
I also prefer that.
Oh I love that little character, I want one.
Dormouse/Paul 2012!
He's not sleeping. He's refusing to look because there aren't any women he considers hot in the audience.
Good thing you weren't there. Grrrr….
LOL!
Somebody should have put his hand in a bowl of warm water while he was snoozing.
Stick with the classics, I always say.
Or sharpied "Allahu Akbar" on his forehead.
"…cut the awkward void"?
He had to take a crap?
"Huh?! Whu?! Panels?!? I love panels!!"
I confess I sometimes do this too. By "this" I mean walk into an important meeting completely unprepared, just to get the adrenaline rush of bullshitting my way through a completely improvised presentation. When it works, it's like getting a hot oil massage from Jesus' ample-bosomed sister, hence the appeal.
But here's the difference between Newt and me: I'M NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
If everyone is honest though, neither is he.
But "fucking with Mitt" is almost as noble.
And now I have the dubious distinction of being able to say I watched Newt sleep..
Ew. Thanks for that, Newell.
And that's two Newell posts in a row with alt.text – will wonders never cease?
OT but I find it really annoying that the alt.text doesn't work on my iPad. Which I realize is a first-world problem of the highest order.
Then you should get yourself a PC instead!
It better be addressed in tomorrow's Apple announcement. I'm just sayin'.
Needz moar music.Needz moar santorum gospel music.I pray whoever makes a Blingee of this incorporates some semblance of the dual toilet seats.*
*for some reason I'd pictured them side-by-side when I read about it, to bear his weight load, not the more likely scenario of his-vs.-hers toilet privvy's to accommodate Mrs. Gingrich~
Every time I see that face a kitten dies. Sad but true.
Maybe if you didn't surf the 'net from the ASPCA? Just a thought.
Never, ever trust, believe or vote for (or call back for that matter) anyone who looks bitter and angry even in their sleep.
Gosh, that is embarrassing.
It is almost too bad he'll be dropping out tomorrow because that'd be some excellent fodder for attack ads.
Zzzzzzz…. snrkt… huh, wuh. Oh, good morning Wonkette. I understand you have a panel. I look forward to any questions.
Is there anything we need to fundamentally reassess?
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy little baby.
When you wake, you shall have,
All the pretty little wives.
Pretty sure he is studying the notes written on his palm.
1) Jews
2) Trick jews into voting
3 ) get $$ from Jews
Do you think he had a Boehner when he woke up?
At one point, he woke up and was either thinking about the secretary of defense or was talking about him with someone not seen. “Listening to Panetta is not a relaxing experience,” Gingrich said, before slipping away into nap time again.
So, would you say it's an "arousing" experience?
Ya know who else had panels?
My basement wet bar?
IKEA?
HAL 9000?
"What's My Line?"?
The door that's gonna hit Newt in the ass on the way out?
Bill Maher?
Callista told me that's his O face.
If you combined Newt's staff (who obviously blew it here) and Mitt's mouth, what would you get?
Pummeled in the general election?
A show on Fox News?
And handjob from one of the Palin girls?
Ten seconds of disappointment and a lifetime of regret?
Funny, it's like you're staring at a cloud and suddenly you see a face or an eagle or a tree or the Sistine Chapel painting or the Laocoon or whatever. You stare at Newt's sleeping face and see Serenity (not the movie). Like Christ on toast, really, only with more jowls.
So, like Christ on head cheese?
Can we all just relive this moment – the one where Newt explains how he is going to be the nominee?
The bemused expression, the fucking cockface attitude, the presumptuous tone – I love everything about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3m_o8IcC9U
I cannot wait until he resigns, because I will keep watching this over and over and over again on that day, laughing and drinking.
My father called that attitude "cocksure."
Newt sure is a cock.
That's outrageous. Running for President shouldn't interfere with nap time.
Ronnie Reagan never let it interfere!
I bet his alarm clock plays "Hail to the Chief"
Ole Newt is just using an empathy technique.
Before his speech he's mirroring what the audience is going to be doing during his speech.
I'm eerily reminded of those awful crying baby portraits.
Newt has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
http://aldridge.tumblr.com/post/17656604102/colli…
From The Guardian blog:
What a multi-tasker!
It just shows how efficient he is. He can catch up on sleep, pander to Jews, and wash his neck wattle (with nap drool), ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Beat THAT OBamma!
Chicken hawk is chicken hawking.
The Picture of Dorian Doughboy
I thought that since Reagan, napping at inappropriate times was used by candidates to make themselves look a little more, you know, presidential.
We need to give Newt a break here. Even he finds his campaign so boring it puts him to sleep.
Sleepy 68 year old fat guy probably shouldn't be president. Especially when he's a crazy rightwing bigot…but his physical condition isn't helping sell the candidacy.
Much as I detest the Newt I can't blame him for zoning out when there's nothing going on. I did that through a lot of branch meetings back in the days they made me wear a suit sometimes.
It also proves that you could slap him awake in the middle of the night and the first thing out of the Great Gingrich's mouth would be some variant of “We must go to war with Iran.” That’s a single mindedness equal to that of the old wheeze in the Roman Senate who ended every speech regardless of the subject at hand with “and Carthage must be destroyed.”
There was a panel, but it was decided they were not quite the right height.
wrapped around little smokies. stuffed with cheese. like some kind of suburban junk food nesting doll.
I read a book where they referred to foods made from other food “recombinant food.”
chimera-changas?
Excellent.
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