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Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber

Goodbye, private sector!Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his old pal Barack, during which he will get to complain about more fictional concerns, only this time based on America’s made-up financial future! Yes, Joe the Plumber, our favorite unflushable from 2008, successfully completed the difficult transition from child star to adult entertainer, and won last night’s Republican primary in Ohio’s 9th congressional district, using the more matoor-sounding stage name “Joe Wurzelbacher.” JOE THE PLUMBER IS BACK YAY FOR POLITICS!

Let us defer to the local teevee news:

Samuel Wurzelbacher gained the nickname “Joe the Plumber” for expressing working-class concerns about taxes to then-candidate Barack Obama during a stop to the region.

The Toledo-area plumber defeated Steve Kraus, a Sandusky real estate agent, early Wednesday to grab the GOP nomination in Ohio’s 9th Congressional District.

Joe will now face the lady who defeated former Elf King Dennis Kucinich in the Democratic primary, and lose, thus saving America’s global street cred, for a few more milliseconds. Just in case, though, please find a suicide pact “buddy” in the comments below. [Ohio News Network]

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    1. yrbmegr

      He's failed at everything else. Why not running for Congress? Next, maybe he can fail at writing cookbooks or sky diving.

    2. Biff

      I hope former girlfriend will untie the purse strings at $araPAC to fund his campaign. Oh, wait–that would mean less whore diamonds for ME? Suck it, Samuel!

    3. jwowwsrightboob

      I don't know what is sadder, Joe the Plumber, the people who voted for Joe the Plumber or the person who lost to Joe the Plumber?

    1. Chichikovovich

      The God of the Old Testament?

      (Oops – sorry, I thought you said "hailed as a Job creator". )

  1. SorosBot

    No, concerns about taxes for people making over $250,000 dollars a year are not "working-class concerns about taxes", Ohio News Network; in fact they are the complete opposite of working class.

  2. Barb

    Joe the Plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes – don’t pay them.

    1. beavertank

      A tax cheat who lies about every detail about himself? Sounds like he's got all the prerequisites for being a republican congressman down pat.

  3. memzilla

    Doesn't Joe The Plumber need to form a corporation first, so Rmoney can securitize and bankrupt it? Get with the program, Joe!

  4. freakishlywrong

    Actually, my favorite unflushable from 2008 is still the snowbilly, but this grifting asswipe is a close second.

  5. SoBeach

    More evidence 2012 republicans are on an absolute mission to look like the biggest idiots on the planet.

  6. MittsHairHelmet

    No wonder the other guy lost. In 2012 it's never good to be described as "a Sandusky" anything.

  7. SolitaireRose

    And his dreams of owning his own plumbing business evaporate slowly, leaving him nothing but a pile of money from the Koch brothers and regrets.

    1. tessiee

      Visual: Large middle aged man with comb-over and hairy back shoulders sitting at computer, typing.
      Voice-over, in gruff gravel voice a la the construction worker on "Futurama": Hi, my name is Heather. I like ponies and raspberry lip gloss.

  8. nounverb911

    Coming soon to an election booth near you. An epic fail bigger than the Red Sox and Patriots combined.

  9. edgydrifter

    Maybe I've underestimated Republican charity. Between Xtine, Sam-Joe and all the Palins, one could argue Republicans are deeply committed to employing the feeble-minded.

    1. Callyson

      I thought they were trying to contribute to the general welfare of the populace by amusing us all, but your version works too.

    2. Biff

      The McDonald's in the nearby town does the same, but I don't recommend going to there, either.

  10. weej_bain

    Not so up on my Ohio geography, but doesn't Joe the Dumber's congressional district run the gambit from a Toledo Bow Tie to a Cleveland Steamer?

    1. Gunner Asch

      I don't know if "run the gambit" was a slip of the keyboard or wordplay, but I like it either way.

  11. Chillatte

    "The Toledo-area plumber defeated Steve Kraus, a Sandusky real estate agent. "

    Bravo, Joe. You beat a guy from a town named after a pedophile.

  12. Joshua Norton

    Boy, McCain really unleashed a clown car of whack jobs on us during his campaign of epic fail. Anyone who votes for this dogmatic boob deserves exactly what they get.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      My boobs stopped being dogmatic some time ago. A little meditation and yoga, and bam! I woke up and they were all, "meh."

  13. SexySmurf

    I wish I was talentless and unemployable, so I could do cool things like have a talk show and run for Congress.

  14. glamourdammerung

    Samuel Wurzelbacher gained the nickname “Joe the Plumber” for expressing working-class concerns about taxes to then-candidate Barack Obama during a stop to the region.

    Uhm, no. Actually, he made up a lie about how he would magically fall under some kind of tax raise that never happened and has panhandled for the last three years because of someone getting media coverage for being a liar.

    1. Ruhe

      But you see what's important to remember is that Sandra Fluke is a puppet of the Obama administration but Joe the Plumber is an utterly natural phenomenon. He's practically organic.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Which is hard to do as an unlicensed plumber and not just because the license would be necessary to own the business in the first place. Unless the "plan" was to just not bother with any state/city/county licensing.

          1. glamourdammerung

            Well, Sam has always paid his taxe-er, oh.

            After years of going on about hating the government as part of the standard GOP stump speeches for the election trail, I guess breaking the law as a "qualification" for office was the next logical step.

  15. PubOption

    That's a strange picture of Joe. It looks like he has half a 'surveyor's mark' on his nose.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Has our new Goddess in Chief created one blingee since entering office? I don't think so – IMPEACHMENT, IMPEACHMENT!

  16. SayItWithWookies

    See, kids — if you eat your vegetables, stay in school, then spend years working hard, one day you too can be a footnote to a failed moment of mass hysteria in the heartland, struggling to catch a wave that keeps passing you by.

  17. 2161911

    His grandmother was famed commerical spokeswoman Josephine the Plumber, back in the sixties. How ironic that she has thrown her considerable support behind the democratic incumbent. Ironic. Like rain on your wedding day.

  18. CivicHoliday

    who the fuck is voting in Ohio's 9th district? Up with Joe and down with Dennis?? A whole new level of crazy has taken hold over there.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Marcy Kaptur is a first-rate Congressperson, with less grandstanding than Kucenich. Also the (preposterous) redistricting archipelago stretching from Cleveland to Toledo that threw them together contained more of Kaptur's old district than Kucenich's. So that half of the vote isn't so shocking.

  19. Tundra Grifter

    Richard Nixon had a whole bunch of "plumbers" working for him in the White House, and that didn't end well at all.

  20. Doktor Zoom

    Haha, remember how the wingnuts were hoping to get some Ohio gummint people fired for somehow doing harm to Saint Joe by leaking his voter registration records or something?

    No? Neither do I, really, just that it was, for about 7 minutes, the Most Horrible Outrage Since the Nationwide Black Panther Voter Intimidation Campaign At One Polling Place.

  21. Tundra Grifter

    After his vanity campaign has collapsed, I hope someone spends a few minutes to go through his reporting of campaign expenses.

    Anyone who thinks Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell was a bit loose with spending campaign money to support herself is going to have a field day with this guy.

  22. valthemus

    As much as this turn of events makes me want to panic for the fate of my country, I'll wait until after Sammy's first debate before picking my suicide buddy.

      1. DahBoner

        So, we were walkin' down the street, trying to find someone who knows what a "jimmy hat" is…

  23. Nothingisamiss

    But to have signed a pledge saying he's never had premarital sex and never seen porn.

  24. Slim_Pickins

    To restate my meme of the day "you can fool too many of the people, too much of the time."

  25. OneYieldRegular

    Somebody please trick him into filming a campaign ad in front of the Watergate Building.

  26. James Michael Curley

    Like other well know Republican Plumbers when does he start his term at Allenwood?

  27. ttommyunger

    But if he lands a white-collar job, how will he explain the lingering aroma of raw sewage wafting around him?

  28. Lascauxcaveman

    Since I live in Washington, I've sometimes considered changing my name to Sam the Shaker, just to run against that guy.

    Be nice have some real movers and shakers on the ballot.

  29. whopooted

    he's hot. i'd totally gay fuck him. then kick him out to the curb like trash, used and crying.

  30. pdiddycornchips

    Just think, in four or five years, our pundits will be calling Snowbilly and JTP "Republican party elders".

  31. jolpaj

    I guess the fist-fight he started with the Israeil journalist because Israeli journalism is anti-Israel is over.

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