WELCOME BACK OLD FRIEND  11:19 am March 7, 2012

Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber

by Kaia Mursi

Goodbye, private sector!Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his old pal Barack, during which he will get to complain about more fictional concerns, only this time based on America’s made-up financial future! Yes, Joe the Plumber, our favorite unflushable from 2008, successfully completed the difficult transition from child star to adult entertainer, and won last night’s Republican primary in Ohio’s 9th congressional district, using the more matoor-sounding stage name “Joe Wurzelbacher.” JOE THE PLUMBER IS BACK YAY FOR POLITICS!

Let us defer to the local teevee news:

Samuel Wurzelbacher gained the nickname “Joe the Plumber” for expressing working-class concerns about taxes to then-candidate Barack Obama during a stop to the region.

The Toledo-area plumber defeated Steve Kraus, a Sandusky real estate agent, early Wednesday to grab the GOP nomination in Ohio’s 9th Congressional District.

Joe will now face the lady who defeated former Elf King Dennis Kucinich in the Democratic primary, and lose, thus saving America’s global street cred, for a few more milliseconds. Just in case, though, please find a suicide pact “buddy” in the comments below. [Ohio News Network]

 

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{ 144 comments }

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 11:21 am

Now he can be "Joe the unelected congressman".

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

Or Joe "The Former Candidate"

yrbmegr March 7, 2012 at 12:12 pm

He's failed at everything else. Why not running for Congress? Next, maybe he can fail at writing cookbooks or sky diving.

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 12:16 pm

With our luck, he'd fail at falling.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I hope former girlfriend will untie the purse strings at $araPAC to fund his campaign. Oh, wait–that would mean less whore diamonds for ME? Suck it, Samuel!

jwowwsrightboob March 7, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I don't know what is sadder, Joe the Plumber, the people who voted for Joe the Plumber or the person who lost to Joe the Plumber?

memzilla March 7, 2012 at 11:22 am

Say, you know which other right-wing nutbag was hailed as a job creator… ?

weej_bain March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Mooseolini?

Spurning Beer March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

Pharaoh?

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

Charles Lindbergh?

donner_froh March 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

Friedrich Hayek?

Steverino247 March 7, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Salma Hayek?

actor212 March 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oh, she's created a few jobs around my Kleenex…

Chichikovovich March 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

The God of the Old Testament?

(Oops – sorry, I thought you said "hailed as a Job creator". )

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 11:53 am

Haaaaaaa!

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 11:55 am

Stalin?

Major Thom March 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

Kirk Cameron?

chicken_thief March 7, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Rick Santorum, 2006?

weej_bain March 7, 2012 at 11:22 am

Toilets must be backing-up along the Lake Erie shore.

SorosBot March 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

No, concerns about taxes for people making over $250,000 dollars a year are not "working-class concerns about taxes", Ohio News Network; in fact they are the complete opposite of working class.

OneDollarJuana March 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Winning the primary" is just a description of how far he got along in school.

Spurning Beer March 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

Thank you, Kaia the Editor.

-Spurning the Commenter

Barb March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Joe the Plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes – don’t pay them.

beavertank March 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

A tax cheat who lies about every detail about himself? Sounds like he's got all the prerequisites for being a republican congressman down pat.

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

He was never a licensed plumber, but he did work for one, at some point. So we should call him Joe the Plumber's Helper.

Pop_Socket March 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It does bear repeating that Joe The Plumber is neither.

Chillatte March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

As a Congressman, he'll make one hell of a plumer.

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

He'll put feathers in caps?

memzilla March 7, 2012 at 11:27 am

He'll be just another Rethuglican party-line parrot.

beavertank March 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

And call them macaroni.

WhatTheHeck March 7, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'm waiting for the foto of him in a feather boa.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Plumbers in DC again? Isn't it still too soon?

Biff March 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

You just never know when the Watergate might get backed up again.

memzilla March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Doesn't Joe The Plumber need to form a corporation first, so Rmoney can securitize and bankrupt it? Get with the program, Joe!

freakishlywrong March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Actually, my favorite unflushable from 2008 is still the snowbilly, but this grifting asswipe is a close second.

DahBoner March 7, 2012 at 3:57 pm

#UNFLUSHABLE = WIN

SoBeach March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

More evidence 2012 republicans are on an absolute mission to look like the biggest idiots on the planet.

Chillatte March 7, 2012 at 11:46 am

Mission Accomplished.

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

Heck of a job!

Biff March 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Isn't he still employed by Pajamagram© or something?

Goonemeritus March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Joe from all the folks at Wonkette I say welcome back let the good times roll!

LesBontemps March 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

You rang?

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Win!

MittsHairHelmet March 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

No wonder the other guy lost. In 2012 it's never good to be described as "a Sandusky" anything.

GuanoFaucet March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

Joe is hoping to spread the stupid around.

Barb March 7, 2012 at 11:30 am

And he seems to be succeeding.

SolitaireRose March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

And his dreams of owning his own plumbing business evaporate slowly, leaving him nothing but a pile of money from the Koch brothers and regrets.

beavertank March 7, 2012 at 11:39 am

And once again, politics mirrors prostitution.

SkinnyNerd March 7, 2012 at 11:43 am

"I'll never make $200,000 as a plumber, let me try congressperson."

Maman March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

Cue the preteen girl that Joe is having an online flirtation with in 3….2….1….

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 11:49 am

Girl?

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 11:58 am

"Girl"? This is a Republican man we're talking about, remember…

Guppy March 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I thought "Free Candy" was just the name of his business.

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Visual: Large middle aged man with comb-over and hairy back shoulders sitting at computer, typing.
Voice-over, in gruff gravel voice a la the construction worker on "Futurama": Hi, my name is Heather. I like ponies and raspberry lip gloss.

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

Coming soon to an election booth near you. An epic fail bigger than the Red Sox and Patriots combined.

edgydrifter March 7, 2012 at 11:26 am

Maybe I've underestimated Republican charity. Between Xtine, Sam-Joe and all the Palins, one could argue Republicans are deeply committed to employing the feeble-minded.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

Committed to putting them on the public payroll, you mean.

Callyson March 7, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I thought they were trying to contribute to the general welfare of the populace by amusing us all, but your version works too.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

The McDonald's in the nearby town does the same, but I don't recommend going to there, either.

weej_bain March 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

Not so up on my Ohio geography, but doesn't Joe the Dumber's congressional district run the gambit from a Toledo Bow Tie to a Cleveland Steamer?

Gunner Asch March 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I don't know if "run the gambit" was a slip of the keyboard or wordplay, but I like it either way.

nounverb911 March 7, 2012 at 11:29 am

Piper Palin?

freakishlywrong March 7, 2012 at 11:30 am

Joe the plumber/Bob the builder 2016.

Designer_Rants March 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The great irony will be their campaign platform of killing PBS.

Chillatte March 7, 2012 at 11:32 am

"The Toledo-area plumber defeated Steve Kraus, a Sandusky real estate agent. "

Bravo, Joe. You beat a guy from a town named after a pedophile.

Joshua Norton March 7, 2012 at 11:32 am

Boy, McCain really unleashed a clown car of whack jobs on us during his campaign of epic fail. Anyone who votes for this dogmatic boob deserves exactly what they get.

Nothingisamiss March 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

My boobs stopped being dogmatic some time ago. A little meditation and yoga, and bam! I woke up and they were all, "meh."

SexySmurf March 7, 2012 at 11:32 am

I wish I was talentless and unemployable, so I could do cool things like have a talk show and run for Congress.

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

You be nice to Mike Huckabee.

glamourdammerung March 7, 2012 at 11:33 am

Samuel Wurzelbacher gained the nickname “Joe the Plumber” for expressing working-class concerns about taxes to then-candidate Barack Obama during a stop to the region.

Uhm, no. Actually, he made up a lie about how he would magically fall under some kind of tax raise that never happened and has panhandled for the last three years because of someone getting media coverage for being a liar.

Ruhe March 7, 2012 at 11:44 am

But you see what's important to remember is that Sandra Fluke is a puppet of the Obama administration but Joe the Plumber is an utterly natural phenomenon. He's practically organic.

Biel_ze_Bubba March 7, 2012 at 11:54 am

Suitable for spreading on your lawn.

Pop_Socket March 7, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Only if your definition of 'working class' includes handymen making more than $250k a year.

glamourdammerung March 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Which is hard to do as an unlicensed plumber and not just because the license would be necessary to own the business in the first place. Unless the "plan" was to just not bother with any state/city/county licensing.

HistoriCat March 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Not bothering with licenses means never having to bother about paying taxes.

glamourdammerung March 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well, Sam has always paid his taxe-er, oh.

After years of going on about hating the government as part of the standard GOP stump speeches for the election trail, I guess breaking the law as a "qualification" for office was the next logical step.

PubOption March 7, 2012 at 11:35 am

That's a strange picture of Joe. It looks like he has half a 'surveyor's mark' on his nose.

Blueb4sunrise March 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

I think a '1:20' is a gang bang.

ghblowhard March 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

Honestly I think this piece deserves a Blingee.

Fare la Volpe March 7, 2012 at 11:47 am

Has our new Goddess in Chief created one blingee since entering office? I don't think so – IMPEACHMENT, IMPEACHMENT!

SayItWithWookies March 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

See, kids — if you eat your vegetables, stay in school, then spend years working hard, one day you too can be a footnote to a failed moment of mass hysteria in the heartland, struggling to catch a wave that keeps passing you by.

freakishlywrong March 7, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hope!

SkinnyNerd March 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

As a plumber, can he identify human sewage in a mirror?

2161911 March 7, 2012 at 11:42 am

His grandmother was famed commerical spokeswoman Josephine the Plumber, back in the sixties. How ironic that she has thrown her considerable support behind the democratic incumbent. Ironic. Like rain on your wedding day.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

He's soaking in something, likely santorum.

No, wait–that was Madge…

Buzz Feedback March 7, 2012 at 11:43 am

Time for a Courtesy Flush.

donner_froh March 7, 2012 at 11:44 am

Joe = Snowball; Election = Hell.

CivicHoliday March 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

who the fuck is voting in Ohio's 9th district? Up with Joe and down with Dennis?? A whole new level of crazy has taken hold over there.

Chichikovovich March 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

Marcy Kaptur is a first-rate Congressperson, with less grandstanding than Kucenich. Also the (preposterous) redistricting archipelago stretching from Cleveland to Toledo that threw them together contained more of Kaptur's old district than Kucenich's. So that half of the vote isn't so shocking.

Guppy March 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"with less grandstanding than Kucenich."

This is a good thing?

Guppy March 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

What does Joe's wife look like?

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Absent. She left him for a guy who has a job.

Ruhe March 7, 2012 at 11:46 am

Joe the Plumber/Chance the Gardener 2016

Nothingisamiss March 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Should be Gardener/Plumber. Joe's gonna need someone with more savy.

johnnyzhivago March 7, 2012 at 11:46 am

This a good setup for Palin/Plumber 2016 and the end times.

freakishlywrong March 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

Man, Palin/Plumber is a natch, no?

OneDollarJuana March 7, 2012 at 12:11 pm

But Santorum/Plumber is more logical.

LesBontemps March 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Santorum Plumber = Worst. Job. Evar.

Biff March 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Dumb and Plumber!

pdiddycornchips March 7, 2012 at 4:57 pm

That Mayan calendar thing ain't lookin' so bad now is it?

Mumbletypeg March 7, 2012 at 11:47 am

No way would I trust a PINO (Plumber In Name Only) who can't even fix his own leaky guano faucet.

johnnyzhivago March 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

What wasn't mentioned was that Joe the Plumber was running against Harry the Hedge Fund Manager – it's a class warfare thing.

hagajim March 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

It doesn't matter what happens in November, this man will always be Joe the Loser to me.

BornInATrailer March 7, 2012 at 11:48 am

That's some serious Idiocracy shit right there.

Tundra Grifter March 7, 2012 at 11:49 am

Richard Nixon had a whole bunch of "plumbers" working for him in the White House, and that didn't end well at all.

Doktor Zoom March 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

Haha, remember how the wingnuts were hoping to get some Ohio gummint people fired for somehow doing harm to Saint Joe by leaking his voter registration records or something?

No? Neither do I, really, just that it was, for about 7 minutes, the Most Horrible Outrage Since the Nationwide Black Panther Voter Intimidation Campaign At One Polling Place.

Tundra Grifter March 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

After his vanity campaign has collapsed, I hope someone spends a few minutes to go through his reporting of campaign expenses.

Anyone who thinks Christine "I am not a witch" O'Donnell was a bit loose with spending campaign money to support herself is going to have a field day with this guy.

4TheTurnstiles March 7, 2012 at 11:53 am

Damn your black heart, John McCain

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

*shakes fists menacingly*

FlipOffResearch March 7, 2012 at 11:53 am

Joe the plumber has the same hairdo as that Babeu guy from Arizona. I think they'd make a cute couple.

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

So does that Babeau guy.

An_Outhouse March 7, 2012 at 11:55 am

Joe the Liar is a fine looking specimen if you want to resemble an erect penis.

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

An erect penis at least has a certain amount of sex appeal.

WhatTheHeck March 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

He’s cross-threaded his ambitions.
Fail.

valthemus March 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

As much as this turn of events makes me want to panic for the fate of my country, I'll wait until after Sammy's first debate before picking my suicide buddy.

rocktonsam March 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

This is good news for John McCain.

And should help Joe the Dummer get laid moar, too,

prommie March 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm

He is just grody to the max. Gag me with a spoon. (I've been listening to The Plimsouls)

Biff March 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm
DahBoner March 7, 2012 at 3:52 pm

So, we were walkin' down the street, trying to find someone who knows what a "jimmy hat" is…

elviouslyqueer March 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Sometimes the douche just bags itself.

MadBrahms March 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

If Joe is elected to high office, I will drink Draino as a tribute / easy way out.

mrblifil March 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

How else is he going to afford health insurance?

Sassomatic March 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm

"Steven-the-real-estate-agent." Nope, not nearly as catchy. He didn't stand a chance.

Generation[redacted] March 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"Sandusky real estate" even less so.

Jimmyone March 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Maybe Rushbo needs some one like Joe to explain how wimminz plumbing really works.

Nothingisamiss March 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

But to have signed a pledge saying he's never had premarital sex and never seen porn.

tessiee March 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

If there ever was a perfect running mate for Santorum…

Nothingisamiss March 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Erect Penis libel!

Generation[redacted] March 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

So he gets kicked out of Israel but not Ohio? How is that possible?

Slim_Pickins March 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

To restate my meme of the day "you can fool too many of the people, too much of the time."

OneYieldRegular March 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Somebody please trick him into filming a campaign ad in front of the Watergate Building.

mavenmaven March 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Failed plumbers, failed painters, what's the difference?

Pop_Socket March 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Don't go Godwin on us.

chascates March 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What's with the bandaid on his face? Plumber's helper?

James Michael Curley March 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Like other well know Republican Plumbers when does he start his term at Allenwood?

orygoon March 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm

When teh legislation is all stopped up, who you gonna call?

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

But if he lands a white-collar job, how will he explain the lingering aroma of raw sewage wafting around him?

Ducksworthy March 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm

With that head, I think "Joe the Plunger" would be more appropriate.

Lascauxcaveman March 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Since I live in Washington, I've sometimes considered changing my name to Sam the Shaker, just to run against that guy.

Be nice have some real movers and shakers on the ballot.

owhatever March 7, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Show us the birth certificate.

whopooted March 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

he's hot. i'd totally gay fuck him. then kick him out to the curb like trash, used and crying.

DahBoner March 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I used to have a suicide pact with french fries

pdiddycornchips March 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Just think, in four or five years, our pundits will be calling Snowbilly and JTP "Republican party elders".

jolpaj March 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I guess the fist-fight he started with the Israeil journalist because Israeli journalism is anti-Israel is over.

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