Hey why has Your Wonkette done so many Newt Gingrich posts all day forever? Because we doubt we’ll have Ol’ Newt to kick around anymore, and we miss the mean old bastard already. He’s been in a funk for weeks (years?) now, and without those recharging trips to Greece, he has just been a sour bag of mush (and not the kind of sour mush that riles his easily rileable moron base).
Goodbye, Newt! Goodbye forever, we’re sure!
OR ARE WE? Here is a chart of Tennessee, from TalkingPointsMemo, which fills our hearts with gladness! Go Newt Go!
Anyway, let’s start this bitch!
6:23 PM — Oh, FOX is laughing at Noobama for claiming credit for added oil production when it took place on “state lands” and “private lands,” because you can not talk about oil imports going down if you are a Dem? Your editrix is sorry already that she has sold her soul to the teevee news succubus. LORDY LORDY what was she thinking?
6:26 PM — Thank God there is a commercial already. CNN and MSNBC too. HOORAY for CAPITALISM! Never did anyone appreciate advertising as much as your editrix, this second, when faced with all this goddamn bloviating.
6:31 — Rachel Maddow is back on. She will soothe our savage breast.
6:32 — Oh good a full half hour till the first results of the night, and now Maddow is back to commercial as well. Perhaps there are some websites with, say, exit polls, or politihacks explainifying for us rubes, about the votin’. We will go and try to find one, brb.
6:37 — Lego tractor-driving-man Brett Bair has a pretty lady on, but there is an exciting twist: her hair is brown.
6:38 — Who will get the delegates and how will they get the delegates and if Mitt Romney gets the majority of the delegates …. “On the flipside, Juan, 67 % of the delegates still on the table after tonight!” That is a flipside! For RON PAUL!!1!!!!
6:40 — Dudes be so jealous, Kirsten Boyd Johnson is coming over to my living room, and she is bringing WINE. Then we are going to braid each other’s hair and have PILLOW FIGHTS.
6:48 — Hey, can someone check if we “broke” the
press release news about the hooker website that wants to advertise on Rush Limbaugh? If so, there’s a twitter meme we need to get our royalties from.
6:52 — Okay, fixed it!
6:57 — Pre-returns liveblogging is stupid. What did you think you were gonna get, a Fat Tuesday Fuckfest? WRONG.
6:58 — Blah blah Iran. Girls do not care about Iran. We care about stomping on Darrell Issa’s arsonist heart. (Sorry Obamz, but at the moment every XX is a single-issue voter.)
7:00 — NEWTTTTTTTT! SHEPPPPPPP! NEwT!!!!!!!!!!
7:03 — FOX tool still claiming Romney has the momentum because he won the last five? Sure, maybe, don’t know don’t care to check, but they claimed the same thing when Santorum won Iowa, and all the other ones, and whatever. Psht. I still kinda love Shep Smith, though, don’t tell Commie Mom she gets so MAD!
7:16 — Rachel calls Virginia for Mittens. ReLOVEution #FAIL.
7:17 — Show us a map, CHUCK. What’s on the map, CHUCK.
7:18 — Chuck says erm, Romney with a bunch of Ohio? TOO TALKY, CHUCK. STOP EXPLAINING AND JUST LABEL THAT SHIT. TRYING TO LIVEBLOG AND FOLLOW THe tWIttERX. Also, beer. I’M “Stumpedville,” CHUCK.
7:19 — Know who Commie Mom hates? (Actually, she hates Rachel Maddow, for being repetitious, don’t tell anyone.) But you know who else she hates? Ed Schultz. Because of how on his radio show he would run the name together like so: Edshutshow. She has a low tolerance for mush-mouth, Commie Mom.
7:20 — Anybody won anything else lately? No? BRB, mama needs a smoke.
7:28 — Ooh, on FOX: our boyfriend, Ed Rollins, who is hilarious and talks so much pious shit about how everyone ELSE is all full of shit. Lemme find you a link.
Oh, did you know that Jim has a liveblog here? Mama’s done for now, MINIONS.