Liveblogging The Superest Tuesday: Probably The End For Newt Gingrich, Right?

Goodnight Nurse!Hey why has Your Wonkette done so many Newt Gingrich posts all day forever? Because we doubt we’ll have Ol’ Newt to kick around anymore, and we miss the mean old bastard already. He’s been in a funk for weeks (years?) now, and without those recharging trips to Greece, he has just been a sour bag of mush (and not the kind of sour mush that riles his easily rileable moron base).

Goodbye, Newt! Goodbye forever, we’re sure!

OR ARE WE? Here is a chart of Tennessee, from TalkingPointsMemo, which fills our hearts with gladness! Go Newt Go!
Tennessee. T-t-t-t-tennessee

Anyway, let’s start this bitch!

6:23 PM — Oh, FOX is laughing at Noobama for claiming credit for added oil production when it took place on “state lands” and “private lands,” because you can not talk about oil imports going down if you are a Dem? Your editrix is sorry already that she has sold her soul to the teevee news succubus. LORDY LORDY what was she thinking?

6:26 PM — Thank God there is a commercial already. CNN and MSNBC too. HOORAY for CAPITALISM! Never did anyone appreciate advertising as much as your editrix, this second, when faced with all this goddamn bloviating.

6:31 — Rachel Maddow is back on. She will soothe our savage breast.

6:32 — Oh good a full half hour till the first results of the night, and now Maddow is back to commercial as well. Perhaps there are some websites with, say, exit polls, or politihacks explainifying for us rubes, about the votin’. We will go and try to find one, brb.

6:36 — What say you, Politico.com? Not helpful!

6:37 — Lego tractor-driving-man Brett Bair has a pretty lady on, but there is an exciting twist: her hair is brown.

6:38 — Who will get the delegates and how will they get the delegates and if Mitt Romney gets the majority of the delegates …. “On the flipside, Juan, 67 % of the delegates still on the table after tonight!” That is a flipside! For RON PAUL!!1!!!!

6:40 — Dudes be so jealous, Kirsten Boyd Johnson is coming over to my living room, and she is bringing WINE. Then we are going to braid each other’s hair and have PILLOW FIGHTS.

6:45 — Aw, Richard Simmons wrote you a nice thing! Thanks, Richard Simmons!

6:48 — Hey, can someone check if we “broke” the press release news about the hooker website that wants to advertise on Rush Limbaugh? If so, there’s a twitter meme we need to get our royalties from.

6:52 — Okay, fixed it!

6:57 — Pre-returns liveblogging is stupid. What did you think you were gonna get, a Fat Tuesday Fuckfest? WRONG.

6:58 — Blah blah Iran. Girls do not care about Iran. We care about stomping on Darrell Issa’s arsonist heart. (Sorry Obamz, but at the moment every XX is a single-issue voter.)


7:03 — FOX tool still claiming Romney has the momentum because he won the last five? Sure, maybe, don’t know don’t care to check, but they claimed the same thing when Santorum won Iowa, and all the other ones, and whatever. Psht. I still kinda love Shep Smith, though, don’t tell Commie Mom she gets so MAD!

7:16 — Rachel calls Virginia for Mittens. ReLOVEution #FAIL.

7:17 — Show us a map, CHUCK. What’s on the map, CHUCK.

7:18 — Chuck says erm, Romney with a bunch of Ohio? TOO TALKY, CHUCK. STOP EXPLAINING AND JUST LABEL THAT SHIT. TRYING TO LIVEBLOG AND FOLLOW THe tWIttERX. Also, beer. I’M “Stumpedville,” CHUCK.

7:19 — Know who Commie Mom hates? (Actually, she hates Rachel Maddow, for being repetitious, don’t tell anyone.) But you know who else she hates? Ed Schultz. Because of how on his radio show he would run the name together like so: Edshutshow. She has a low tolerance for mush-mouth, Commie Mom.

7:20 — Anybody won anything else lately? No? BRB, mama needs a smoke.

7:28 — Ooh, on FOX: our boyfriend, Ed Rollins, who is hilarious and talks so much pious shit about how everyone ELSE is all full of shit. Lemme find you a link.

Oh, did you know that Jim has a liveblog here? Mama’s done for now, MINIONS.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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        1. Barb

          Hey Hobbes, I'm on my way out the door to a business dinner with Pokey. I will catch up with you later and after some cocktails.

          1. FROTHY

            Hey there, beautiful! Things are incredibly tough. I guess no one can prepare you for these things, although goodness knows you tried, dear friend. On the plus side, my sister's HR mgr went through something similar, and gave her good advice, so she was somewhat prepared. My sister's always been a tall skinny type, but I was frankly horrified to see how much weight she lost. She's had to have all her clothes taken in. And there are more visits to the doctor, more tests, and possibly, more surgery. Dear sweet good Nothingisamiss is sending prayers to the deity for my sister. I couldn't ask for more. What wonderful people are these Wonketteerz, to send so much love and good wishes! We try to keep spirits up all around. That's all we can do. (Hugs the Tilley) Thanks so much for everything. I will see her surgeon next week and have a WORD, as they say in these parts.

    1. tessiee

      Gallstones hurt like a motherfucker, but at least they go away eventually, so not like gallstones.

  1. Callyson

    Note to self: no more Tuesday night classes until after the election. Am missing out on way too much fun.

  2. MissTaken

    I keep looking at that graph but all I see is a rainbow of fruit flavors which is actually a very accurate description of the GOP primary field.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The two things I take from that graph are 1) A tsunami of negative ads works big-time, at least if the subject of the ads has as many negatives as Rick Santorum. 2) Every single vote that Romney dislodges from Santorum goes to one of the other not-Romneys. Check out Newt's exponential rise coupled with the down-the-alps tumble of Santorum and the much smaller but still noticeable dip of Romney.

  3. not that Dewey

    Michele Bachmann appears in the legend, but not in the graph. Is that a metaphor for something?

  4. Maman

    Doesn't almost all of the oil come from private lands thus explaining the arguments about the Gulf of Mexico and the Arctic Refuge? Or has my stroke started?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      The best time to kick a man is when he's down and you can make sure he won't get up again.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Since he's now been a Very Important GOP Presidential Candidate (VIGOPPC, pronounced like the sound of throwing up) he will always stick around so we can kick him.

  5. BarackMyWorld

    Watching MSNBC…Every time someone says "Game change," Mark Halperin gets a nickle.

    1. tessiee

      Who could stand the sight of you?
      You change wives with every new day,
      No one's gonna miss you.

  6. Tundra Grifter

    For Ole Newt is hasn't been about votes or delegates for quite some time.

    It's been about vanity, ego, and SuperPAC money. Three things he hasn't been short of.

    As long as the casino dollars inflate him like a hotair balloon he'll keep running. Otherwise he has to go back to giving crappy speeches, writing crappy books, and peddling crappy half-baked history DVD's, begging for airtime and trying desperately to get people to pay attention to him.

    He set himself up by being very sure he was going to "win" in Georgia, and then going around saying "It's do or die" like he was Joe Namath before Super Bowl III.

    Ole Newt shot a hole in a large blank piece of paper, drew a bullseye around it, and is now crowing he hit the center of the target.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, I misread that first line as "Foul Ole Newt."

      Buggrit. Millennium hand and shrimp! I told 'em, I did!

    2. tessiee

      "shot a hole in a large blank piece of paper, drew a bullseye around it, and is now crowing he hit the center of the target."

      Enjoyed this. Will steal.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        You're welcome to it! I adapted it from a joke I heard years ago.

        I wish more of it were original.

  7. imissopus

    Rebecca, a tip: make one of your East Coast minions take the first shift for these sorts of events. It's only 3:30 in CA, you're going to put your head through your TV well before all the results are in.

    1. HistoriCat

      Exactly – you're going to burn yourself out at that pace. Look what it did to Ken!

      Although if Kirsten is coming over, maybe the two of them will be taking a break later on.

      1. imissopus

        That pic on the FB widget over there —————————>

        …that goes with the Studs Terkel story? That's Ken and it was taken the day the sale closed!

        Also Rush Limbaugh demands Rebecca and KBJ make a video of this "break."

  8. johnnymeatworth

    "Newt, Newt, he's our man!/Flush his fat ass down the can!"

    and BTW, please feel free to use the phrase "goddamn bloviating" as much as possible.

  9. chascates

    Soon Newt will be on teevee making commercials for reverse-mortgage companies and mail order vitamins.

  10. MissTaken

    I wonder if Newt has explained to Callista that he is a massive failure and they will not be moving into the White House. Since her face does not move there's no way to know.

    1. SorosBot

      And he promised he'd be in the White House someday in his SeekingArrangements.com profile.

    2. Rotundo_

      Maybe it's like Captain Pike on the the first Star Trek, only instead of lights she taps out once for yes and twice for no. Maybe morse code? The rest of her face cannot move so grunting in morse code?

    3. tessiee

      The many moods of Callista:
      : – | happy
      : – | sad
      : – | angry
      : – | thoughtful
      : – | horny (because she's checking out the gardeners again)

      Etc. etc.

    1. Tilley

      Yah, me neither. Wonkette liveblogging and a shakerful of Cosmos is about as exciting as life gets for this rapidly aging Boomer hippie.

      1. Limeylizzie

        True, but he looks as if he would smell really nice, not in a cologney-way but in a masculine, clean . soapy way.

          1. Limeylizzie

            No kidding, he has some gorgeous suits and he's so masculine and big, I wonder how tall he is.

        1. C_R_Eature

          If you can, Lizzie, I am empowered to award you the Silk Be-ribboned Most High Solid Gold Five Pointed Star Medallion of Conversion to you.

          This one's never been awarded, but I know you can do it.

      1. Tilley

        Naw, the man's good-looking enough, just too — um — what's the word? Oleaginous? Yes, that's it. Too oleaginous. I love it when I get to use that word.

        1. tessiee

          You've inspired me to look it up; it means flattering in that smarmy, oily way, like Eddie Haskell: "My, what a lovely housedress, Mrs. Cleaver".

  11. BarackMyWorld

    If Gingrich doesn't get out soon, I'm buying into the theory that Sheldon Adelson is paying for Gingrich to stay in the race to cock-block Santorum.

  12. SorosBot

    Michael Steele's saying the GOP candidates are destroying themselves with their fear of pissing off Rush Limbaugh and his fans on MSBC.

  13. C_R_Eature

    I think that This should be the Theme Song for tonight and perhaps the whole depraved spectacle of this Republican Silly Season.

  14. Blueb4sunrise

    If Kirstin is there with Rebecca, who is this here that claims to be Kirsten? She said that she drove 800 miles just to be with me.

    1. MissTaken

      Is she letting you keep your black socks on? If so you have a "Kristen", not "Kirsten".

  15. chascates

    Will Sarah Palin make an endorsement after tonight or will she still want to 'help' a brokered convention?

  16. BlueStateLibel

    I'll be following this closely whilst watching old episodes of "Destination Truth" – Josh and the team go hunting in the wild cornfields of the Middle Western U.S. for the rarest of the rare wild beasts, a sane, non-diabetic Republican!

  17. Beowoof

    Newt don't go, you bring a level of entertaining hypocrisy to the race that will be hard for the others to duplicate. And with your multiple marriages you truly are the man to represent guys such as Rush Limpbaugh.


    Rebecca and Kirsten in the same living room? Can I go and prepare dinner tonight? I was thinking mayhaps a seafood risotto…

  19. Troglodeity

    Doesn't matter that we're a net exporter of oil for the first time in forever, or that Obama has deported as many illegal immigrants in 3 years as Bush did in 8 (and filed criminal charges against 10 times as many employers of illegal immigrants). Because Obama's black, so there.

  20. chascates

    And, earlier this afternoon:
    Limbaugh also ripped Obama for saying that it is not his job to arbitrate comments made by politicians and pundits, charging, “You did! You just commented on me! He says he leads by example, [but] he called tea party supporters tea baggers knowing full well what an insult it is.”

    He continued, "it’s Barack Obama who said it’s not surprising then they get bitter and they clinging to guns or religion … I’ll bet he knows what’s in Jeremiah Wright’s heart — he was in Jeremiah Wright’s church for 20 years. “

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I love how they keep bring up Jeremiah Wright. It's like they're still trying to win the 2008 election.

    2. glamourdammerung

      It is not nice to pick on Limbaugh for the non-sequiturs. After all, his long term drug abuse has clearly impaired his mental health so it is not fair to expect a logical statement from him.

    3. SorosBot

      Christ, Jeremiah Wright again? What's next, more Tony Rezco or Bill Ayers guilt-by-association bullshit?

      1. chascates

        Comment from a WashTimes poll on Republican attitudes on birth control:

        HIs mentor Saul Alinsky taught him well along with the other Commie scum Bill Ayers.

        1. BarackMyWorld

          Saul Alinsky apparently taught elementary school, since Obama was 10 when he died.

      2. Tilley

        Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky still pop up with tiresome regularity on my local news comment board. 'course those posters are all re– uh, they's none too brite.

        1. FROTHY

          Not exactly, sweetie. (Hugs the CREature, kisses a hairy cheek)

          I promised I'd check in for SuperToosdee because I was expecting them to start screaming "NIGGER" as soon as the results poured in. I'm disappointed. But HOPEFUL! I might stay here for six months or leave in three weeks. It's not clear at this point. All depends on Sister and her surgeon. I probably won't be back HERE for a bit, tho. Too much to do. You understand.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    I pulled out my brownie recipe for extra fudgy-nutty variety, in tribute to my commonwealth's two eligible contenders. And as art imitates life, I find I'm out of pecans thus this batch will necessarily do without. So the Fudgepacker element seems primed to win, acc. to this indicator anyway, although I always felt Ron Paul's nuttiness added worthwhile humor — I've missed hearing more from him lately.

  22. shrillharpy

    Rachel's announced that the Newtster wins GA. YAY! No? Toadie is STILL IN IT TO WIN IT!

  23. SorosBot

    Newt wins Georgia; Virginia still too close to call even though only Romney and Paul were on the ballot.

  24. GreatChristiano

    I woulda liked Newt much better if he had a HUGE beer belly.

    Yeah, that would do it…

  25. Limeylizzie

    Oh look, Laurence O'Donnell is in the same studio as his gf, Tamron Hall, sexual tension ahoy!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I like this very much. I would kill Larry (and I love Mr. O and his shit eating grin whilst discussing Rush's trouble) but I'd kill him for TamTam's skin. She is lovely.

      1. Limeylizzie

        And her eyes are amazing, she is really a beautiful woman, I also think she is a good interviewer.

    2. SorosBot

      That kind of sexual tension is fun, if it's anything like commenting on Wonkette alongside the girlfriend.

        1. SorosBot

          Yeah, now I just have to learn to close my eyes and think of hot young women so I can stomach licking a wrinkly, 80 year old snatch. I work hard for the money!

          (And you're so silly; that's a big part of what I like about you).

          1. tessiee

            You'll feel so much better if you confess everything.
            Now speak up loud and clear into this nice…
            vase of flowers.

  26. BarackMyWorld

    Still watching MSNBC…I really appreciate Steve Schmidt's analysis and professionalism. No snark. He adds a lot to their coverage.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      My drinking game is "at the end of the day" – he has just destroyed me in the past.

  27. Wonderthing

    You know, of course, that Jeb Bush is waiting in the wings to "reconcile the party."

    1. FROTHY

      I don't think "the party" is gonna be willing, considering what he said about not considering himself a conservative any more.

    2. Rotundo_

      Jeb isn't as stupid as his brother. I think the "I'm not that kind of conservative line pretty much told the GOP he's out 'til 2016 *if* then.

  28. Schmannnity

    I have decided to withdraw all my advertising and sponsorships from the Limbaugh show.

  29. chascates

    Newt tweets:
    newtgingrich Thank you Georgia! It is gratifying to win my home state so decisively to launch our March Momentum. #MarchMo #250gas #SuperTuesday

  30. FakaktaSouth

    Can you imagine having been in one of those planning to destroy the world meetings with both Steve Schmidt and SarahP? I bet dogs were freaking howling at those pitches. Unreal. Like Charlie Brown's teacher getting rogered by Rush's microphone.

      1. Data Exactly

        er, first state of Super Tuesday. That probably was a better win though, since multiple candidates contested that state.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Mitt's gonna celebrate by tying his campaign manager to the roof of the Bus for a nice drive across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, to feast on Oysters and beer in Chrisfield.

  31. Tilley

    Here's what I have to say about the glorious border state of Tennessee this evening:

    1) Our infamous state legislator Staci X, renowned for penning such great hits as "Aborted Fetuses Require Birth Certificates" and "Don't Say Gay (in the Classroom)" and "It's OK to Bully Fags if You're a Christian," switched his endorsement from The Newt to Ayatollah Sanitorium, after Rev. Ricky appeared at the New Hopewell Baptist Church (or whatever) and Auditorium, Inc., in Powell, TN, and, in total violation of campaign laws and stuff, rallied all 30 people in attendance to vote for him in the name of the Baby Jesus Christ Our Lord and Saviour who Suffered on the Cross. This, I am thinking, may have had something to do with The Salamander's late-stage surge, because even here in Retardoville, TN, we loathe Staci X's guts with a passion.

    2) You gotta admit, that line graph looks pretty sexxx-ay.

    1. SorosBot

      Wait, Stacy X hates sex? But that short-term member of the X-Men was a sort-of prostitute, who used her mutant pheromone control powers on her customers.

      (Note: I am not making this up; she is a real (albeit obscure) Marvel character.)

  32. weej_bain

    TPM's Kentucky graph is startin' to look like there is a strange attractor at work. Mmmm, that bit of chaos theory fits, yes it does.

    1. FROTHY

      weej, sweetheart, one look at the mo'fockin' lineup of Republicanland, and you realize some VERY strange attractors is the only explanation for their "success," such as it is.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      What else are there besides whiteys in Idaho? I mean, can you be supreme if you're all there is?

        1. FROTHY

          Does anybody remember Larry Craig's recipe for the Congressional Cookout? No?

          A potato. Cored with an apple corer, so there's a hole right through it. Stick a sausage in that hole and bake the whole thing in the microwave.

          And no, I am NOT fucking kidding. I only wish to bejayzus I were.

      1. emmelemm

        Uh… I'd say MOST LIKELY from a box.

        {no offense editrix please don't whip me again}

  33. FakaktaSouth

    OHIOiANs ARE DISSATISFIED AND ANGRY??? OH my GOD they have foisted that piece of shit John Boehner on this country and THEY are angry? Give it a rest.

    1. FROTHY

      ^^THIS^^ THIS is why I loves you.

      No shit. The nerve of those dumbasses after foisting Drinky McOrangeTan on our collective asses. The fucking nerve.

  34. V572 Flambé

    Mmmm….Tamron Hall in a cram-colored linen sundress. Less Ed Show guy screen-time and more Tamron, pleeze.

  35. smokefilledroommate

    Just saw a really stupid GE commercial about how they produce turbines used in the brewery process of Budweiser.. At the end of the explanation voice-over, they have to spell it out for the stupid people, so they have some shithead in a bar ask a GE employee, "Wait–so you guys make the beer?" to which the employee replies, "No. We make the power that makes the beer." Jesus fucking Christ.

  36. SorosBot

    Gah! The MSNBC reporter at Gingrich's Georgia headquarters is interviewing a quartet of old ladies wearing rhinestone American flag vests. It is truly one of the most garish hideous outfits I have ever seen. Is all of Georgia this fucked up when it comes to fashion, or just these three elderly gals?

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I swear to God I do not sound like that. You really could talk to me without wanting to jam pencils thru your ear holes all the way to your brain. That shit was making me blind and deaf all at once. Holy holy hell. But that's about right for the type of lady of that age that is politically active for the Rs around here.

        1. Mojopo

          Maybe they get so tired of their peanut-boiling aprons that they vajazzle their vests to feel more glam. It has to be something festive and classy enough to stop at Shoney's afterwards.

    2. FROTHY

      Has anyone told those fucking geriatric bitches that it is AGAINST THE FUCKING LAW to use the nation's flag as part of their clothing? Someone needs to throw their ancient saggy asses in a jail cell for a year. It'll improve their dispositions something wonderful.

  37. C_R_Eature

    Hah! And now we've got Fuck Toad on MSNBC, wanking in front of a huge flat screen's worth of gaudy graphics.

  38. tessiee

    Eddie Murphy once said, RE herpes, "You have that shit forever; it's like luggage".
    I think we'll have Newt forever.
    and possibly Newt will have herpes forever.

  39. ttommyunger

    Got nothing against teh gheys, but Richard Simmons makes my skin crawl just a little. A little more than usual now.

      1. ttommyunger

        Thank you, I feel better now. Don't know if you ever caught him doing his submissive bit on Howard Stern's clusterfuck of a show, but I have and I've always wondered what Howard had on tape to elicit that kind of response from Richard. Truly creepy, did not speak well of either of them.

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