George W. Bush wasn’t doing much of anything in 2008, having pretty much checked himself out of “administrative duties” sometime in late 2006. One of the things Bush was definitely not doing as he rode out his term was bringing down the cost of gas! And the Fox News of 2008 rushed to defend his inaction, calmly reassuring their as-yet unhinged pre-Tea Party audience that, duh, obviously the president just can’t up and lower gas prices, ONLY THE INVISIBLE HAND CAN. But what would happen if you swapped out “Bush” for “Obama”? Would it shock you to learn that everything at Fox would go all topsy-turvy?

In this upside-down world, the Constitution was immediately scrapped and rewritten upon the ascension of Barack Hussein Obama, such that His Highness now has the sole ability to dictate gas prices, in whichever way he chooses. THE END! [Media Matters]

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  • I thought gas was priced the same way as airline tickets, by an insane machine with a random number generator.

    • Al Haig?

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. You're thinking of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, which usually rises and falls on the whims of some broker's colon flow.

    • 40 or 50 % McShineys

      Most computer programming languages include functions or library routines that purport to be random number generators. They are often designed to provide a random byte or word, or a floating point number uniformly distributed between 0 and 1. Such library functions often have poor statistical properties and some will repeat patterns after only tens of thousands of trials. They are often initialized using a computer's real time clock as the seed, since such a clock generally measures in milliseconds, far beyond the person's precision.

      Besides, Mitt Romney isn't President, YET.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly there is nothing a white president who used to be in the Oil industry could do. But a Black, Socialist, Muslim Kenyan should be able to drop gas prices back down to $1.25.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Well screw Newt and his $2.00 gas. The Black, Socialist, Muslim Kenyan gets my vote.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Cause this black man has power, the like of which, no white man has ever seen. He scares the white wimin an men folk.

    • chicken_thief

      With free steak knives and green stamps or gtfo!

    • GOPCrusher

      HE IS THE ONE!

  • Barb

    I'm going on vacation next week. With the gas prices this high we've decided it will be cheaper just to mail the car there.

    • metamarcisf

      Or you could just strap it to the back of your dog.

      • What? And get car santorum all over my Lhasa Apso?????

        • James Michael Curley

          Is that one of those tiny soth ASian cars made by Tata?

          • nounverb911

            Jaguars and Range Rovers?

          • MissTaken

            I have a pair of Tata Motors. They're soooo adorable!

          • Pictures or it didn't happen

          • WhatTheHeck

            I’ve never seen one motorized. Do they have to be serviced often?

          • The spinning tassels need to be cleaned.

          • MissTaken

            And they must be kept well-lubed.

          • Oooh! Ooh! I'd like to apply for that job!

          • Nothingisamiss

            Seen *one*?

      • Barb

        Have you seen this yet?

        • nounverb911

          I love the New Yorker.

        • DaRooster

          Quick… fly into one of those low roofed parking garages!

    • The USPS appreciates your patronage!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Your car should arrive there just about the time you return home.

  • justkillmenow

    I thought Michelle could lower prices by flexing her arms.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, as Rush told us back then, he is "Barack the Magic Negro."

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but as Rush has shown us, only Sluts get things done in this world.

  • memzilla

    By Faux News logic, if we had a president who wasn't a Nearer, the Saudis would actually be paying us to take this toxic, dangerous, flammable liquid off of their hands!

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe he appoint Trump to be our Ambassador of Oil. He can go to Saudi Arabia and tell those Muslims exactly what we are going to pay for oil from now on.

  • mrpuma2u

    Like these nimrods can remember what they said last week. What a bunch of jaggoffs.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    At least all those Fox folks stay on message:

    Hope Ed Henry mourns the loss of his soul, spine and brain by joining up with that cabal.

    • Henry's career at Consistently No News was one long audition reel for this gig.

    • Slightly shorter Obama: "I don't have time for your shit."

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Obama, can you please do something about my cable bill? It's insane. Also, it seems like cheese costs a lot around here lately.

    • terriblyfamous

      Yeah, I've noticed that Tillamook cheddar has gotten a little spendy. What gives, Mr. President?

    • PubOption

      Barry has more chance of bringing back government cheese, than he has of lowering oil prices.

  • Instead of apologizing to the Arab world, he should be hand-holding. That worked for W!

  • in '02, 37% of price of gas was cost of crude oil. Today, it's 76%.
    of course, 76 – 37 = 39, or (9 9 9), which I believe makes Herman Cain responsible.

  • veritass

    The worst thing about Fox News is that it's actually recorded.
    The best thing about Fox News is that it's actually recorded.

  • ChernobylSoup

    If I was a gallon of gas and Obama turned his icy stare toward me, I'd be like "dude, I'm sorry I got all up so high. How 'bout I drop down to 2? Buck ten?. Okay okay, name your price.."

  • The Invisible Hand would do it, but it's busy wanking Newt, Santorum, Rush (with tweezers), Gohmert, Loesch…

  • Goonemeritus

    Yes Fox News is unfair, and yes they distracted everyone with their drill baby drill nonsense when the real issue was market speculation. But Obama could do something; this run-up in oil price is driven by the tension over Iran. Speculators (80% of the oil commodity market) are taking positions betting on the uncertainty. If Obama signaled the possibility of a big release from the strategic reserve the speculators would run for the hills and dump their holdings.

    • Can't.

      They never replenished the release of 30 million barrels last June. The fund to buy it back is short $1.5 billion.

      • Goonemeritus

        30 million of 727 million the tank is hardly dry.

        • If he can't pay $1.5 billion how in the hell is he supposed to replenish more?

          This is hardly an emergency, which is what it should be used for.

          • Goonemeritus

            We have done multiple releases without replenishment in the past. Besides a sale now would net profit for the Government on the backs of the speculators win/win.

          • Get a room, you two. And some snark. This actual policy shit plays like the Half Hour News Hour around these parts.

    • UnholyMoses

      Well, if speculators had disappeared the last time the SOR was tapped, I'd agree.

      But they didn't. They're still there.

      And what happens if Iran tries to close down the Straights of Hormuz? What is the Saudis and OPEC decide to cut production for whatever the hell reason they want?

      Simply put: Releasing from the SOR won't do much to help lower gas prices. Sure, they may go down a quarter a gallon or so for a few weeks, but there is still no long term solution, other than to end speculation (via taxing it into oblivion, or some other method).

      Not trying to blast you or anything. Just trying to point out that the SOR is supposed to be there for emergencies, and emergencies only; releases from it have done little, if anything, to affect prices; and it's not a solution so much as a political ploy.

      If and when we have an emergency that demands we release it, then fine.

      But we're not there … yet.

      • Goonemeritus

        When we released in 2011 the price per barrel dropped from over $100 to under $80 and stayed down for 6 months. In fact it didn’t start climbing until this latest speculative bubble. I agree that legislation to restrict the futures market in oil to industries trying to hedge oil price is the right solution but in this political environment that will not happen. I personally don’t mind seeing prices for gas at $4 but that’s me. I think if speculators knew that every time they did a stupid run up the SOR could zero out their kids college fund some of this nonsense would stop.

        • Nothingisamiss

          They care about the future? Not our current Masters of the Universe. "Will it make me money right now?" Those are the moral retards we are stuck with.

        • UnholyMoses

          While I see your point, I guess I don't see it as being worth it, especially with how unstable the region has become and how quickly things could get so very, very much worse. And it'd suck if we released a bunch of oil just to bring prices down a bit for a few months, only to realize we don't have enough when we really and truly need it.

          There's also the fact that we pay relatively little for gas compared to most non-oil-producing nations (it's something like $6 per LITER in UK, IIRC) and, even though I have a relatively long commute each day (50 miles round trip) I'm also okay with $4 a gallon gas.

          Sadly, those already on a budgetary razor's edge are not, which is why the "Release the SOR hounds!" call can resonate with some. [Though you're doing it more based on logic, which is a nice change!]

          Of course, all that oil has to be refined, and right now they have more oil than they can handle. Thus, supply isn't the issue. Of course, neither is demand, which is down.

          Thus, I see skip the release from the SOR and just hammer the shit out of the speculators via legislation, regulatory changes (which might be easier and faster to implement), and whatever the hell else they can until speculators are no more in the U.S.

          After that, it's finding ways to deal wit the worldwide speculative market that we can't control …

          • Goonemeritus

            You make a well reasoned and insightful argument I defer. By contrast my argument was solely based on the desire to jam it up the speculators asses and break it off.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Of course, if he did that, he'd just be playing right into the hands of the Republicans, who are purposely racheting up the tension via Israel and the GOP's "bomb everyone" campaigns.

    • GOPCrusher

      I've been advocating that for a couple of weeks. Plus an executive order implementing a windfall profits tax on oil and gas companies. It was no coincidence that during the summer of 2008, Exxon/Mobil recorded the highest profit of any American company in history

  • poncho_pilot


  • Wonderthing

    When you've decided that the only way to win is to tell the most and the biggest lies, then frogs can fly and pigs dig to China for oil, so we can all drive with the air conditioning on and the window down! Party on!

  • Extemporanus

    Your move, tide.

  • vodkamuppet

    What a bunch of sluts.

  • DaRooster

    Hey Fox… Barry has a majic wand (I'm sure) but it don't lower gas prices… it does something completely different.

    You should try it and Get Fucked!

  • WiscDad

    Fox News new tag line…'Creating alternate realities on the hour'

  • OneYieldRegular

    It's exactly like in that old movie, "The Graduate," when Dustin Hoffman is asked, "What's the one most important word you'll ever need to know?" and he doesn't say anything and the guy says "Plastics!" and then Dustin Hoffman is confused for the rest of the movie, the end.

  • Generation[redacted]

    It's very simple. Right now we extract 80 million barrels of oil every day to feed our growing demand. All we have to do is triple that, to 240 million barrels every day. By the end of the decade, we bump it up to 1 billion barrels a day. I don't see any problem with doing that, and why hasn't Obama done it already?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Wasn't there an old movie where a similar tactic is pursued in search of gold dust, until the town collapses on top of them….

  • Baconzgood

    I love reading about gas prices. I don't have a car, and haven't in 4 years, because I moved into a place where I can either walk or (weather permitting) ride my bike to work. The lil' lady has an auto and keeps harping on me to get one but who want's to be bothered about going to a dealership, paying for gas, hitting old women, DUIs, yelling at people cutting me off, and all that jazz. This is why I love the city and the location on the neighborhood (not so much the crime) I live in.

    • ChernobylSoup

      I thought hitting old women was one of the few upsides to owning your own car.

      • Baconzgood

        Lotsa paper work.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And if you live in a "bad area," you don't have to worry about your car being stolen, either!

    • SorosBot

      I also love not owning a car – pity that there's still the winter gas bills.

    • vodkamuppet

      Yes! All my idiot friends and relatives scoffed when I ditched my car and moved downtown 6-7 years ago. I told them they wouldn't be laughing when gas hits 5 bucks a gallon. Well, I was right and they're still idiots.

      • Nothingisamiss

        That's a great gravestone: "I was right and they're still idiots."

        • vodkamuppet

          Oh dang, that is an epitaph. I think I stole that from Thomas Paines epitaph though. Whatever, no one remembers him anyway.

  • In this upside-down world, the Constitution was immediately scrapped

    This is true. And it's staying scrapped, or more accurately, now been used for toilet paper by Republican and Democratic Administrations alike.

    Bush had Alberto Gonzalez, Obama has Eric Holder. Meet the new boss!

    USA! USA! USA!

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, they're exactly the same, what with Obama ending the war in Iraq, ignoring the calls to bomb Iran, giving us health care reform, repealing DADT, standing against the war one women's rights that Bush fully supported, and everything else he's done that's completely different than Bush. But no, because he's not good enough on every issue they're exactly the same and we might as well vote for Romney in this election.

      What I'm saying is, fuck off you moron.

      • I must have missed the post in which you were made the official Wonkette message cop, SpamBot.

  • chicken_thief

    The free market should control everything. Except when we don't like the outcome. Then the Kenyan soshulist should step in with Big Gubmint Action.

    You may not agree with the Teatards, but you have to admire the purity of their logic.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I'll take that pure logic with a little pure grain alcohol.

  • MissTaken

    Also according to Fox, it's because of Obama that the new iPad will cost both an arm and a leg tomorrow.

  • rickmaci

    The FauxNews editorial philosophy is lifted straight from Alice in Wonderland. "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would." Very simple.

  • hagajim

    Apparently the dipshits at Faux have forgotten the laws of economics, no matter how fractured they are by manipulation. Gas is a global commodity and nobody can effect the price. Maybe the U.S. out to get into the commodities market and start buying up gas contracts like the airlines do – yeah that would be really fucking smart! Not.

    • The Newter said he would get gas down to $2.50 per gallon by boosting domestic production. Assuming world wide demand stays constant, why would Newt's overlords NOT sell the blacky sticky stuff at higher prices? OBVIOUSLY Newt's plan MUST involve nationalization of our oil resources! Go Newt! I am sure that is what he meant…, right?

      • GOPCrusher

        Works for Venezuela.

  • MissTaken

    Gas-X Shrugged

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If I recall, Bush said earlier in his presidency that he could get the prices lowered by going over and "jawboning" with the OPEC leadership. You'd think it would be even easier for Obama to do this, seeing as to how he is a co-religionist, and supports the terrorisms to boot.

    • Tundra Grifter


      I'm doing this from memory (sometimes memory serves; sometimes it double-faults) but I believe that was a campaign promise by Mr. Bush.

      He shouldn't have had to deal with rising gas prices in the first place because he'd promised us it wouldn't happen.

    • Toomush_Infer

      And by "jawboning" he meant K I S S I N G !!!!….

      • I was working on something along the lines of "Bush jawboning – jawbone of an ass – kissing ass" but it's just not falling together. Partial credit for concept?

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought he was strictly a Muslim. You would think that the Arabs would want to help a brutha out.

  • Fuck! I put a down payment of a left testicle on it, hoping to only get kneecapped.

  • Pragmatist2

    Black Magic?

  • Mojopo

    The worst thing about this slow drain to November is that I don't even feel challenged by the Repubs. It's like trying to debate with the kids on the short bus. I just want to go home, OK?

    • Nothingisamiss

      Sometimes I feel like this, and then I remember that a higher percentage of teatard people vote than smart people.

      • Mojopo

        I am mindful of this. Trying not to be smug/would be happy to register Dem voters.

  • edgydrifter

    Can't fake a birf certificate but controls a shadowy cabal that steers global petroleum supplies and prices. Sure, that computes.

    • chicken_thief

      And has complete power over the NYSE and the minds of investors who are jittery over possible future shortages. That, too. Also.

  • chascates

    If Andrew Breitbart were still alive he could refute this.

    • HistoriCat


  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh please. If Billo would just extract the loofah from his ass, he'd release enough gas to power the country until, say, 2026. PROBLEM SOLVED.

    • MosesInvests

      Especially if he's eating a lot of falafel.

  • SoBeach

    The talking heads on Fox are as cynical and soulless as their audience is willfully ignorant.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Yup, it's a lot of gas….. (just shoot me)…

  • mavenmaven

    Well, yeah, remember, the Fox new commentator's job is to push talking points written by their corporate sponsors so that their "fans" can repeat them endlessly and thus do what the oligarchs want.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    I see that GM has suspended production of a car the sad petrolheads could buy tomorrow and get 100+ mpg, but at the same time they're wailing about the cost of gas…
    The cognitive dissonance- it hurts!

  • MissTaken

    At least it's rechargeable

    • Careful, Apple has a really bad history with batteries suddenly bursting into flames.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Republicans don't want the government to interfere in the free market, unless they want the government to interfere in the free market.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Bill Maher: "Gas is high cause of tensions with Iran. You can bitch about gas prices, or you can beat the drum for war, but u can't do both."

  • SayItWithWookies

    So FOX News is now clamoring for government intervention in the free market? Wow, all those criminal investigations must have Rupert really spooked.

  • pinkocommi

    Who cares that gas prices are high when the Faux News bullshit is free?

  • rocktonsam

    In Chicago, .87 cents of the cost of gas is taxes.

  • barto

    Oh Fox Noise, that's just the invisible hand giving you the invisible finger.

  • Prices go up. Prices go down. You can't explain that!

  • So far this is my nominee for "post with the most serious comments (i.e., suckiest post) of the year."

  • Mass transit infrastructure! Sounds communist.

  • fuflans

    i only made it thru about 1 minute, but i did get to see 'cal thomas syndicated columnist'

    which pretty much rounded out the wonkette day of gross pasty white jowls.

  • DahBoner

    Invisible Hand Contolling Gas Prices = Chicago Merc X-Change Mafia, speculating prices FUCKING SKY HIGH for Lulz n profits

  • rocktonsam


    Over by where I live, a guy killed himself in front of Paul Ryan's office in Janesville Wisconsin this afternoon.

  • dadanarchist

    Sounds like a job for… predator drones!

  • ttommyunger

    Gas prices going up? Outrageous! Nothing else ever goes up, what the fuck is going on here, Barry?

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