COWARDS  4:44 pm March 5, 2012

Scary Protesters Chase G8 Summit From Chicago To Camp David

by Jim Newell

Hippies, or should we say “people affected and insulted by the total lack of accountability in the global economic system following its collapse a few years ago,” were all excited about the upcoming G8 Summit of first-world leaders set to take place in Chicago this May. What a great opportunity to yell at terrible people, right? Well now our dear leader, President Obama, has moved the summit to his mountain ranch at Camp David, Maryland, where hippies will be kept miles away and murdered on the Antietam battlefield.

Chicago cops have been “going through extensive extra training for the NATO/G8 summits” recently after “two groups of demonstrators… announced plans to march down Michigan Avenue in the midday hours.” Well, now they only have to worry about the NATO summit, because the silk-trousered G8 flaneurs will be jacking each other off at Camp David, instead. Go get your “Battle for Seattle” on elsewhere, scum!

From the Chicago Tribune:

The G-8 economic summit will be held at Camp David, not in Chicago as had been scheduled.

The White House announced the change in the following statement:

“In May, the United States looks forward to hosting the G-8 and NATO Summits. To facilitate a free-flowing discussion with our close G-8 partners, the president is inviting his fellow G-8 leaders to Camp David on May 18-19 for the G-8 Summit, which will address a broad range of economic, political and security issues.

Is this a victory for the presumed protesters? Let’s see what some liberal on Twitter has to say. Ah, Richard Kim, executive editor of The Nation, you’re good enough. What do you have to say? “Is G8 move to Camp David really a victory? Now G8 will be more secretive, less open to protest and media scrutiny.” Indeed, if no one ever bothered to plan protests, everything would’ve worked out much better. (??).

[Chicago Tribune]

 

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{ 84 comments }

Barb March 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

They should just have it at Chuck-E Cheese.

johnnymeatworth March 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Not Applebee's?

BigRadio March 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Godfather's Pizza? Then they can up the number to the G9.

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Burger King would give them all little paper crowns to wear.

Rotundo_ March 5, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Putin would cheat at whack-a-mole, if Berlusconi were around he would be hitting on little girls and Sarko would bitch endlessly about the food. Merkel might like the musical part of the show though.

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

Chuck E. Cheese's are so violent, these days. No, seriously.

metamarcisf March 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Or Benihana

MissTaken March 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Can you throw a banker in a little onion volcano?

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Maybe his heart

ChernobylSoup March 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Because those protests affected the hell out of G8 deliberations.

FlownOver March 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Better S'mores.

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

The ones with the most always want s'more.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

What did the various world leaders in the G8 do to be forced to spend time in Maryland?

Barb March 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

They want to get gay married there now that they can.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Well, sure, the Italians, the French, and the British. But the Germans?

horsedreamer_1 March 5, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Das Madchen? Total rug muncher.

widestanceromance March 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

If only. A referendum is inevitable, and the churches will be screaming in the streets to thwart it.

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

It's not going to be overturned.

widestanceromance March 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I wish I shared your conviction about it.

Mahousu March 5, 2012 at 5:15 pm

No crab cakes for you!

lumpenprole March 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm

No more Berlusconi around to insist on slumming it someplace cool.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

March! They're going to march! Quick, call out the National Guard!

barto March 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Can't we all just get along? So sad, and here Rahm was planning to have some notables over for tea and crumpets whilst simultaneously kicking some Hippie ass.

mrpuma2u March 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

So it moves from the heart of the US of A to Jack Kennedy's stabbin' cabin. Barry, Barry, Barry. As a dirty anarchist hippie type living in Chi-town, I am disappointed. I was looking forward to getting clubbed, pepper sprayed and thrown in a holding cell.

fuflans March 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm

i am sorry for your plans but i am a shallow type who prefers the world doesn't disturb my dinner plans.

plus, you know, our traffic already sucks.

BarackMyWorld March 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Now I'm feelin' so fly like a G-8.

Chillatte March 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Something tells me that Rahm was involved…

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Rahm prefers to have his confrontations in the shower.

ChernobylSoup March 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm

You wanna carry Chicago? I said you wanna fucking carry Chicago? Then MOVE THE DAMN MEETING. I don't have this shit in the fucking budget and the fucking checkerheads are already being fucking retards about being fucking overworked….

FlownOver March 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm

You know, don't you, that eavesdropping is illegal?

Infinity thumbs up!

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

They'll have to move it to a secret fortress at the base of a volcano. THEN they can discuss freely among themselves.

Jukesgrrl March 5, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Cheney's undisclosed location?

Mumbletypeg March 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Eh, it's like when the head honcho's opt to hold a "closed door" meeting.

Closing the door on Hope, that is.

AlterNewt March 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

This is bad news for sluts.

Gratuitous World March 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

They should move it to some fucking vacant lots in Back of the Yards neighborhood.
That would be some perspective for protesters and plutocrats alike.

UnionAgitator March 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

The whole world (of squirrels) is watching!

SorosBot March 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

At least Dailey isn;t mayor of Chicago anymore, he'd probably handle the protesters like his father did.

HeadlockSally March 5, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Daley is still Mayor of Chicago, didn't you hear? Little Rahmy's his handpicked successor, and dear Mayor One Percent has been gearing up to snipe hippies for months.

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Will Dubya and Billy Carter be drinking together in the pool house the whole time?

taylormattd March 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Boy, I was on the fence about this whole "Occupy" movement and its goals, but the Fawkes mask has sure convinced me to fight the 1%!!

Data Exactly March 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

prommie March 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

The protesters are awake, but completely marginalized by the corporate media, and the vast, overwhelming majority of the peons remain completely unaware that democracy has utterly failed and that the world's governments are controlled by a corporate and financial oligarchy. Oh well, what the hell.

LesBontemps March 5, 2012 at 5:24 pm

This is Chapter One of the Wonkette manifesto, "Why We Drink."

Rotundo_ March 5, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I don't think it's a matter of being unaware that democracy has failed, so much as not having the faintest notion of how to fix the problem. Showing up to vote, and paying attention to what is going on so that one can make a rational decision on who to vote for has become less important in American life than who is winning on "Idol" or whose sorry ass was voted off the island. Add Nascar and Fooball into the mix and there is plenty of bread (at least cornchips) and circuses to distract the peons.

Joshua Norton March 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Indeed, if no one ever bothered to plan protests, everything would’ve worked out much better.

Kinda brings to mind something once said by the great Casey Stengel:

“Never make predictions, especially about the future.”

fuflans March 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

meh. with berlusconi out and sarko likely to be, there is no humor left anymore.

best to hide em in the woods.

An_Outhouse March 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Doesn't that give us plenty of time to develop a giant rotten tomato launcher? You can run but you can't hide in America. We have the Google.

Data Exactly March 5, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I think we have enough time to get a full scale ketchup satellite into orbit… We might need the Canadians on board with us though, and perhaps a Legoman, too!

MissTaken March 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm

You can plan a pretty protest but you can't predict the weather.

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:38 am

Do not think your excellent taste in music is going unnoticed, young lady.

fuflans March 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

still not gonna knock limbaugh and women's hoo hahs out of the headlines.

MiniMencken March 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Smart move. It's what Putin would have done.

Guppy March 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I would have figured the Chicago protesters would have started celebrating Putin's surprising come-from-behind victory in Russia's election. Yay democracy!

Exhausted66 March 5, 2012 at 5:18 pm

You know who else is being forced to go to summer camp?

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Band members?

SorosBot March 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Ernest?

GOPCrusher March 5, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Jason Voorhies?

Mumbletypeg March 5, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The Santorum brood?
At least, that's what they thought..

Data Exactly March 5, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Santorum was no closer to winning when they canceled their vacation than he will be tomorrow night – how ironic.

horsedreamer_1 March 5, 2012 at 7:55 pm

The NFLPA?

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

Allison Hannigan?

OneYieldRegular March 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I've never understood why they don't just hold the thing on Ball's Pyramid every year. The setting seems right, and protestors would be eaten by sharks if they tried to get too close.

SorosBot March 5, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Or they could hold it on the Illuminati's secrit moonbase – there would be no way to get to that to protest.

SayItWithWookies March 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Ambrose Bierce defined courage as the fear of being thought a coward. It says quite a lot about our current crop of oligarchs that they're this brazen about being chickenshits. And afraid of hippies, no less.

littlebigdaddy March 5, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Well, I hear Merkel breaks out in hives at the smell of patchouli oil, so there's that.

weej_bain March 5, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Chicago?? Camp David?? Were the caves in Tora Bora taken?

Guppy March 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

They still haven't finished scrubbing down the USNO basement.

GOPCrusher March 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The smelly hippies just need to get jobs.

Generation[redacted] March 5, 2012 at 5:47 pm

The one they call smelly hippie is right!

Callyson March 5, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Mayor Daley, Sr., is looking down (or, according to my mom who was at Chicago '68, looking *up*) and saying "you wimps!"

rocktonsam March 5, 2012 at 6:31 pm

the real crime here is Chicago will miss an opportunity to price gouge the shit out of everything during the G 8.

something Libel!

Jukesgrrl March 5, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Who's going out in the driveway to tell the protesters to "BEHAVE, BEHAVE YOU RAPISTS"?

Rotundo_ March 5, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Perhaps someone will think to build an animatronic Andy with a built in PA with his rant. Heck, just get one of those hillbilly bear things from some pizza joint or amusement park and voice Andy rants through the thing and it will be just like he didn't die.

Jukesgrrl March 5, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Make multiples.You can sell one to Patricia Heaton.

Come here a minute March 5, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Of the people, by the people, for the people, indeed.

horsedreamer_1 March 5, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I haven't seen such a controversial Chicago to suburban DC move since Wilbon joined the Washington Post.

CessnaDriver March 5, 2012 at 9:45 pm

NSF Thurmond. Maybe Mr. Obama can kick some ass if the other summiteers are locked in.

No rentboys at NSF Thurmond, doncha know.

MiniMencken March 6, 2012 at 2:35 am

That's NSF Thurmont, Cessy, dearest. Maybe no rent boys but many young swabbies ready to serve their country. Perhaps even the occasional Rear Admiral. (Oh, dear! Am I giving away too much information?)

Pres.Beeblebrox March 5, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Y SO SRS, Chicago PD?

After all, you've proved your acumen at skull-crushing and tear-gassing as far back as 1968.

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

Occupy Camp David?

What are those helicopters I'm just know hearing, and why are they blah…?

Negropolis March 6, 2012 at 12:33 am

Hold this thing in Peoria or Sioux Falls or Cedar Rapids and call it a day. Two birds, one stone.

thefrontpage March 6, 2012 at 11:02 am

The real Camp David is located up a nice, winding country road in the Catoctin Mountains in Northern Frederick County, Md., just a few miles up the road from the quaint little country town of Thurmont, Maryland. It would be absolutely hilarious to see Occupy Wall Street protestors invade the little country town of Thurmont for a weekend or a few weekdays–just absolutely hilarious. In fact, this is exactly what Occupy should do–because a group of several hundred protesting Occupy protestors raising hell in Thurmont, Md., during the same time as the summit would indeed attract national–and even international–attention. If the Occupy people were smart, this is exactly what they should do. Why? Because no one can literally get close to Camp David–if you're hiking in the nearby woods, motion sensors buried in the woods surrounding the outer electric fences of Camp David and hidden surveillance cameras in trees and on outer buildings are trying to keep track of wayward hikers and people in the woods.

thefrontpage March 6, 2012 at 11:03 am

You cannot enter Camp David–it is walled off, blocked by security posts, and fenced in, all around the mountain. You are prohibited from going down the little roads that lead into the camp–because it's just prohibitied. The closest you could get is to protest out on that country road–but because the land around Camp David is either literally federal government land–it's Catoctin Mountain National Park, a part of the National Park Service in some areas near the camp–or state government land–it's Cunningham Falls State Park near the camp, too–protestors would be broken up in, oh, about literally one minute, maybe 30 seconds. It's a tough area to protest up there on the mountain. So Thurmont, literally just down the road from Camp David, Catoctin Mountain National Park and Cunningham Falls State Park, would be the place to protest–legally, and calmly, and in a civilized manner, of course.

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 7:23 am

I guess Rahm will just have to beat up some extra homeless dudes to make up for it.

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