Scary Protesters Chase G8 Summit From Chicago To Camp David

Hippies, or should we say “people affected and insulted by the total lack of accountability in the global economic system following its collapse a few years ago,” were all excited about the upcoming G8 Summit of first-world leaders set to take place in Chicago this May. What a great opportunity to yell at terrible people, right? Well now our dear leader, President Obama, has moved the summit to his mountain ranch at Camp David, Maryland, where hippies will be kept miles away and murdered on the Antietam battlefield.

Chicago cops have been “going through extensive extra training for the NATO/G8 summits” recently after “two groups of demonstrators… announced plans to march down Michigan Avenue in the midday hours.” Well, now they only have to worry about the NATO summit, because the silk-trousered G8 flaneurs will be jacking each other off at Camp David, instead. Go get your “Battle for Seattle” on elsewhere, scum!

From the Chicago Tribune:

The G-8 economic summit will be held at Camp David, not in Chicago as had been scheduled.

The White House announced the change in the following statement:

“In May, the United States looks forward to hosting the G-8 and NATO Summits. To facilitate a free-flowing discussion with our close G-8 partners, the president is inviting his fellow G-8 leaders to Camp David on May 18-19 for the G-8 Summit, which will address a broad range of economic, political and security issues.

Is this a victory for the presumed protesters? Let’s see what some liberal on Twitter has to say. Ah, Richard Kim, executive editor of The Nation, you’re good enough. What do you have to say? “Is G8 move to Camp David really a victory? Now G8 will be more secretive, less open to protest and media scrutiny.” Indeed, if no one ever bothered to plan protests, everything would’ve worked out much better. (??).

[Chicago Tribune]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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    1. Rotundo_

      Putin would cheat at whack-a-mole, if Berlusconi were around he would be hitting on little girls and Sarko would bitch endlessly about the food. Merkel might like the musical part of the show though.

  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What did the various world leaders in the G8 do to be forced to spend time in Maryland?

      1. widestanceromance

        If only. A referendum is inevitable, and the churches will be screaming in the streets to thwart it.

  2. barto

    Can't we all just get along? So sad, and here Rahm was planning to have some notables over for tea and crumpets whilst simultaneously kicking some Hippie ass.

  3. mrpuma2u

    So it moves from the heart of the US of A to Jack Kennedy's stabbin' cabin. Barry, Barry, Barry. As a dirty anarchist hippie type living in Chi-town, I am disappointed. I was looking forward to getting clubbed, pepper sprayed and thrown in a holding cell.

    1. fuflans

      i am sorry for your plans but i am a shallow type who prefers the world doesn't disturb my dinner plans.

      plus, you know, our traffic already sucks.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      You wanna carry Chicago? I said you wanna fucking carry Chicago? Then MOVE THE DAMN MEETING. I don't have this shit in the fucking budget and the fucking checkerheads are already being fucking retards about being fucking overworked….

  4. Generation[redacted]

    They'll have to move it to a secret fortress at the base of a volcano. THEN they can discuss freely among themselves.

  5. SorosBot

    At least Dailey isn;t mayor of Chicago anymore, he'd probably handle the protesters like his father did.

    1. HeadlockSally

      Daley is still Mayor of Chicago, didn't you hear? Little Rahmy's his handpicked successor, and dear Mayor One Percent has been gearing up to snipe hippies for months.

  6. Generation[redacted]

    Will Dubya and Billy Carter be drinking together in the pool house the whole time?

  7. taylormattd

    Boy, I was on the fence about this whole "Occupy" movement and its goals, but the Fawkes mask has sure convinced me to fight the 1%!!

  8. prommie

    The protesters are awake, but completely marginalized by the corporate media, and the vast, overwhelming majority of the peons remain completely unaware that democracy has utterly failed and that the world's governments are controlled by a corporate and financial oligarchy. Oh well, what the hell.

    1. Rotundo_

      I don't think it's a matter of being unaware that democracy has failed, so much as not having the faintest notion of how to fix the problem. Showing up to vote, and paying attention to what is going on so that one can make a rational decision on who to vote for has become less important in American life than who is winning on "Idol" or whose sorry ass was voted off the island. Add Nascar and Fooball into the mix and there is plenty of bread (at least cornchips) and circuses to distract the peons.

  9. Joshua Norton

    Indeed, if no one ever bothered to plan protests, everything would’ve worked out much better.

    Kinda brings to mind something once said by the great Casey Stengel:

    “Never make predictions, especially about the future.”

  10. fuflans

    meh. with berlusconi out and sarko likely to be, there is no humor left anymore.

    best to hide em in the woods.

  11. An_Outhouse

    Doesn't that give us plenty of time to develop a giant rotten tomato launcher? You can run but you can't hide in America. We have the Google.

    1. Data Exactly

      I think we have enough time to get a full scale ketchup satellite into orbit… We might need the Canadians on board with us though, and perhaps a Legoman, too!

    1. Guppy

      I would have figured the Chicago protesters would have started celebrating Putin's surprising come-from-behind victory in Russia's election. Yay democracy!

      1. Data Exactly

        Santorum was no closer to winning when they canceled their vacation than he will be tomorrow night – how ironic.

  12. OneYieldRegular

    I've never understood why they don't just hold the thing on Ball's Pyramid every year. The setting seems right, and protestors would be eaten by sharks if they tried to get too close.

    1. SorosBot

      Or they could hold it on the Illuminati's secrit moonbase – there would be no way to get to that to protest.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Ambrose Bierce defined courage as the fear of being thought a coward. It says quite a lot about our current crop of oligarchs that they're this brazen about being chickenshits. And afraid of hippies, no less.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Well, I hear Merkel breaks out in hives at the smell of patchouli oil, so there's that.

  14. Callyson

    Mayor Daley, Sr., is looking down (or, according to my mom who was at Chicago '68, looking *up*) and saying "you wimps!"

  15. rocktonsam

    the real crime here is Chicago will miss an opportunity to price gouge the shit out of everything during the G 8.

    something Libel!

    1. Rotundo_

      Perhaps someone will think to build an animatronic Andy with a built in PA with his rant. Heck, just get one of those hillbilly bear things from some pizza joint or amusement park and voice Andy rants through the thing and it will be just like he didn't die.

  16. horsedreamer_1

    I haven't seen such a controversial Chicago to suburban DC move since Wilbon joined the Washington Post.

  17. CessnaDriver

    NSF Thurmond. Maybe Mr. Obama can kick some ass if the other summiteers are locked in.

    No rentboys at NSF Thurmond, doncha know.

    1. MiniMencken

      That's NSF Thurmont, Cessy, dearest. Maybe no rent boys but many young swabbies ready to serve their country. Perhaps even the occasional Rear Admiral. (Oh, dear! Am I giving away too much information?)

  18. Negropolis

    Occupy Camp David?

    What are those helicopters I'm just know hearing, and why are they blah…?

  19. Negropolis

    Hold this thing in Peoria or Sioux Falls or Cedar Rapids and call it a day. Two birds, one stone.

  20. thefrontpage

    The real Camp David is located up a nice, winding country road in the Catoctin Mountains in Northern Frederick County, Md., just a few miles up the road from the quaint little country town of Thurmont, Maryland. It would be absolutely hilarious to see Occupy Wall Street protestors invade the little country town of Thurmont for a weekend or a few weekdays–just absolutely hilarious. In fact, this is exactly what Occupy should do–because a group of several hundred protesting Occupy protestors raising hell in Thurmont, Md., during the same time as the summit would indeed attract national–and even international–attention. If the Occupy people were smart, this is exactly what they should do. Why? Because no one can literally get close to Camp David–if you're hiking in the nearby woods, motion sensors buried in the woods surrounding the outer electric fences of Camp David and hidden surveillance cameras in trees and on outer buildings are trying to keep track of wayward hikers and people in the woods.

  21. thefrontpage

    You cannot enter Camp David–it is walled off, blocked by security posts, and fenced in, all around the mountain. You are prohibited from going down the little roads that lead into the camp–because it's just prohibitied. The closest you could get is to protest out on that country road–but because the land around Camp David is either literally federal government land–it's Catoctin Mountain National Park, a part of the National Park Service in some areas near the camp–or state government land–it's Cunningham Falls State Park near the camp, too–protestors would be broken up in, oh, about literally one minute, maybe 30 seconds. It's a tough area to protest up there on the mountain. So Thurmont, literally just down the road from Camp David, Catoctin Mountain National Park and Cunningham Falls State Park, would be the place to protest–legally, and calmly, and in a civilized manner, of course.

  22. ttommyunger

    I guess Rahm will just have to beat up some extra homeless dudes to make up for it.

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