The GOP is of course very famous for insisting that everyone else follow their medieval prescriptions regarding a private individual’s usage of his or her genitalia, but the Laurens County Republican Party of South Carolina has decided to break with longstanding orthodoxy and be logical about it, by requiring that any Republican candidate for office there submit to passing a strict purity test in order to qualify for the ballot. The rules: You must certify that you have only ever had silent, awkward, straight missionary sex with the person you married to, only while married. Oh and also, that you never, ever look at porn, not even in disgust. The goal of this exciting test, according to the party committee that unanimously passed it, is to stop the epidemic of SECRET DEMOCRATS who have long been infiltrating the GOP and running as Republicans in order to destroy the brand, with their filth.

From the Clinton Chronicle:

“We have Democrats running as Republicans,” [South Carolina Republican Party chairman Chad] Connelly said, “because it is the only way they can get elected. And then we wonder, why didn’t they vote the way we thought they were going to vote. The pressure is on for them to say what they are.”

Connelly said President Clinton in the ’90s proved to Americans that “character doesn’t matter.”

“Now we are finding that character really does matter,” the GOP chairman said.

“How do we vet a candidate? How do we know they are who they say they are? Do you recognize our core values?” Connelly said are all questions that Republican organizations throughout the nation are grappling. “We just heard (Republican) Gov. Charlie Crist (of Florida) say he might be voting for Obama.”

Apparently, however, there are nothing but secret Democrats in Laurens County, South Carolina, since the committee was immediately forced to issue a clarification:

The Laurens County Republican Party reserves the right to vet its candidates and will encourage all candidates to uphold the principles of the party’s platform as well as petition candidates to sign a pledge to do so. However, no candidate will be denied access to the Republican Party primary ballot for refusing to sign the pledge.

Oh, okay. So it’s still the Democrats’ fault next time a Republican politician gets caught flogging a rentboy in his church basement. All good. [Clinton Chronicle via Corey Hutchins]

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  • And then there were none.

    • Negropolis



  • memzilla

    “How do we vet a candidate? How do we know they are who they say they are?"

    Well, you could always ask them for their papers… perhaps make them wear a distinctive symbol on their jackets to identify them… how about a loyalty oath?

    • e_z

      You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

      signed Matt 7:16, not to be confused with the rainbow wig guy

      • GOPCrusher

        Austin 3:16?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      And tattoo a number on their arms.

    • The triple 6 birthmark behind the ear?

    • UW8316154

      Where is their bird Certificate??!!1

    • BlueStateLibel

      Throw 'em into a pond and see if they float?

    • NellCote71

      Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Right. The same R people who brought you Jim DeMint vs Alvin Greene (yes BOTH of them) are very concerned about vetting their candidates. VERY concerned.

    ETA, I know way too much about these people not to have some sort of brain damage I think….Draft Jim DeMint 2012 Rally
    Dianne Belsom President of the Laurens County Tea Party and Laurens County Coordinator for Campaign to Draft Jim DeMint will speak briefly

  • OkieDokieDog

    What the…? I refuse to sign this until they blame Obama for Clinton's sexy time in the WH.

  • Generation[redacted]

    This is only a stop-gap measure until the first batch of Reagan clones can be grown to maturity in their secret South America laboratory.

    • You know who else fled to South America to continue their secret programs…

      • Generation[redacted]

        Mark Sanford, of course!

  • Barrelhse

    Wow! These folks really know how to live!

  • SorosBot

    I looked at the article; and yep, they are actually demanding "You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage." That pretty much eliminates almost every possible person in America – I guess they will only be running a bunch of basement-dwelling, Cheeto-stained pasty fat angry hopeless nerds living in their parents' basement.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yeah, but they probably have been touching themselves in an impure manner, so that will disqualify them.

    • MissTaken

      To be fair, basement-dwellers living in their parents' basement is the GOP base.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I thought it was mostly racist religious wackos who want to have 25 or more children so they can out breed the darker folks & gays.

        • SorosBot

          That and ridiculously old angry bitter racists. Oh and notice there's no rule against being married to your sister there.

          • Fare la Volpe

            You say all these things like they're mutually exclusive.

    • So I guess that means they think Aunt Lindsey Graham is a virgin?

      • Well, depending on how you define virginity…

        • Negropolis

          I could honestly see some teatard arguing that since he doesn't have ladyparts, that buttsechs doesn't count.

    • orygoon

      It wounds me to the core that you speak of My Spare in this fashion. He isn't fat!

  • brunsworks

    …because what I want in a candidate is someone who is intensely sexually frustrated with no idea what to do about it–and who is always within arm's length of The Button (not a spouse's Button, but The Button that would REALLY make the Earth move).

    • Loaded_Pants

      "…because what I want in a candidate is someone who is intensely sexually frustrated with no idea what to do about it…"

      Oh, they know what to do about it, alright. It usually involves condemning any sexual activity that they, secretly, want to engage in.

    • fuflans

      to be fair, there is no way anyone from laurens county sc IS going to get within arm's length of The Button.

      of any kind really.

      • Negropolis

        Well, maybe a horse's button…

  • SheriffRoscoe

    As he has already won SC with his purity intact, Newt Gingrich is fine. But the whores who seduced him shall be expunged from the rolls.

    • Chichikovovich

      He's blameless: They just forced him to descend to the Left's level.

      [Or in any event, there was descending to a certain level involved in the whole transaction.]

      • They broke both his arms and his both his kneecaps for sure. Too bad they didn't break his neck at the hangman's fav C2. Well if the hangman is kind that is.

    • Biff

      His fat rolls? He's got whores up in his fat rolls? Gross!

  • RedneckMuslin

    And the crazy keeps rolling along.

  • Callyson

    I pledge allegiance to the Republican Party of Wingtardistan, and to the idiocy for which it stands, one nation under tyranny excused by endless references to God, divided, with inequality and poverty for all (except my campaign contributors).

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Does allowable sex only include that with someone else?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Masturbation makes Babbeh Jeebus cry.

      • Biff

        Also, kills kittens.

        • Generation[redacted]

          And goldfish.

          • NellCote71

            Ah. . . That explains Goldie's death. Sorry. Did not realize.

        • How 'bout if we masturbate to or with kittens?

          • Biff

            No way I let anything with those sharp claws and teeth anywhere near my junk!

    • Masturbation means looking at porn in your brain, so no.

      • MissTaken

        Dammit, I thought masturbation was touching your genitals with your fingers. That's what I get for listening to Republicans.

        • Well, if you can masturbate without thinking about sex, fap away!

          • SorosBot

            Well a lot of Republicans masturbate while not thinking about sex but manly things, like 300, gladiator movies and pro wrestling.

          • Barbarians must be disciplined!!

          • UW8316154

            Twinkies, too.

    • Guppy

      Masturbation: the only right the Bible gives to women but not men.

  • EdFlintstone

    South Carolina republicans are pure assholes.

  • also, that you never, ever look at porn, not even in disgust.

    The Miseducation of Laurens, South Carolina nears completion with its latest declaration, averting eyes and pointing toward yonder p0rn-tainted Demoncratic scum: "That thing, that thing / Tha-at thi-i-i-ing"

  • The Laurens County GOP will consist of three blind virgins, four henpecked males and that really ugly girl who keeps telling everyone she's saving herself but she's only fooling herself.

    • Loaded_Pants

      3 blind virgins, four henpecked males, and one really ugly girl walk into a bar…

      • Generation[redacted]

        …and the lesbian bondage girl says, "Welcome, GOP staffers!"

    • And a partridge in a pear tree.

  • Callyson

    You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.
    Well, this is an easy fix: you know how people at basketball games hold up photos of naked babes, in the hopes of distracting the person making a free throw? I'm sure someone down there has a choice selection of spreadshots that they can bring to the next Laurens County GOP meeting…

    • Barb

      Note to self: get season tickets to basketball.

  • Schmannnity

    Rule Number One: No Miscegenation. Rule Number Two: Mouths may only be involved in kissing, and then, in no way in a Commie French Way. Rule Number Three: Anyone coupling like dogs will have the hose turned on them.

    • There better never be any Jersey Shore: Myrtle Beach Edition.

    • MosesInvests

      Rule Number Four: There is no…Rule Number Four. Rule Number Five: No pooftahs!

  • Local_Mojo

    Ha! No Republican manger scenes next Christmas. Can't find three wise men and a virgin.

  • Chichikovovich

    “How do we vet a candidate? How do we know they are who they say they are?"

    Hold up a cross and say loudly and forthrightly: "I rebuke thee in Jesus' name!" This will force any Democrat in the room to revert to his/her/its true demonic form.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Or see if they float…

      • Generation[redacted]

        …or weigh the same as a duck.

    • The tip-off will be when they start vomiting pea soup and their heads do a 360 on their necks.

      • Loaded_Pants

        "The power of Reagan compels you!!"

      • Karma_Suture

        You know the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

        You can roast beef.

        Please don't hurt me.

      • If you're ever in that situation, do what I do: dissolve into a thousand rats, scurry the fuck out of there every which way, and reassemble my vile, Satanic form at a better party.

  • Wonderthing

    These fucks are always so "sorry" when they get caught.

    • Rotundo_

      Oh, I dunno, I think they're pretty sorry just as they are.

  • Can I still think of watching porn? (Out of disgust, of course.)

  • qwerty42

    Geeze, even for Republicans, even southern republicans, heck, even for South Carolina Republicans, this is weird. Really, really weird. I'd expect some of those secret Demoncraps to show up any day now with the wet suits and dildos.

  • BarackMyWorld

    DO NOT: Use your dick.

    DO: Act like a dick.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Who would have thought a group that rails so loudly against communism would now be subject to the dictates of the central committee?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You must certify that you have only ever had silent, awkward, straight missionary sex with the person you married to, only while married. Oh and also, that you never, ever look at porn, not even in disgust.

    Well, then, based upon my weekend, I'm definitely a Democrat.

    • Limeylizzie

      Based upon mine I'm a candidate for office in this county.

      • NellCote71

        Yeah, me too. So jealous of Lionel.

  • Swampgas_Man

    So when a politician actually votes the way his constituents want, and not the way three basement-dwelling virgin trolls tell him, he's a Sekret Democrat? That's not the way MY Democrats work.

  • Joshua Norton

    Do you recognize our core values?

    If you're referring to the fact that you're all bigots, busybodies and right wing closet cases then yeah, pretty much.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    'You must certify that you have only ever had silent, awkward, straight missionary sex with the person you married to, only while married. Oh and also, that you never, ever look at porn, not even in disgust.'

    Wow, I guess Mitt & Ricky REALLY are Republicans.

    • I just had an image of Mittens and his wife going at it doggie style and now I must saw through my brain stem with something sharp.

      • *breaks beer bottle against bar and hands it to the cute penguin looking into his underwear.

        • You're wasting good beer. I demand my demise be beer-neutral.

  • SorosBot

    I think they're going about this wrong; they say that they are afraid of secret Democrats, yet one of the rules is that the candidate must be faithful to their spouse, and no Republican politician today has ever been faithful to his or her spouse.

  • JackObin

    Funny, but in my lifetime it is Dick Nixon and the entire Bush clan leading the way in lack of character. Also, South Carolina proved their eternal lack of character at Fort Sumter.

  • Chichikovovich

    The pledge includes these planks:

    You must oppose abortion, in any circumstances.
    You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns.
    You must endorse the idea of a balanced state and federal budget, whatever it takes, even if your primary responsibility is to be sure the county budget is balanced.
    You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
    You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.
    You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.

    You must have:
    “A compassionate and moral approach to Teen Pregnancy;”
    “A commitment to Peace Through Strength in Foreign Policy;” and
    “A high regard for Unites States Sovereignty.”

    I have to say I'm absolutely on the same page with the Laurens County Republicans. If anyone who would sign such a lunatic pledge is ever running for office anywhere near me, I'd prefer if they announce it loudly up front, so that if they win I can get the hell out. (While I still can.)

    • Blueb4sunrise

      A high regard for Unites States Sovereignty

      South Carolina?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Peace Through Strength

      Freedom Through Slavery, also too.

    • MadBrahms

      "A compassionate and moral approach to Teen Pregnancy"

      Forcing them to carry the fetus to term, and then cutting all WIC benefits so they both starve after the child is born? Compassion!

    • You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns.

      I CAN'T SHOOT THE DEER WITHOUT A FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPON! Yeah, makes it difficult to eat later, but I STILL NEED IT.

    • They can't even imagine what you're getting up to, in the Atheist Liberal College faculty lounge!

      • Chichikovovich

        I'm glad you brought that up. I was just relaxing and reviewing the day's accomplishments. Just this afternoon, all by myself, I converted 16 students to atheism – that's half my weekly quota right there – and every one of them entered University with a faith commitment. (I guess that's why the dean's nickname for me is "The Defaithinator") Funny story – one of them was even named "Faith" (she said her parents also named her three sisters "Hope", "Charity" and "Heterosexual") but she decided to change it to "Dykewomyn".

        • ShaveTheWhales

          When such fully-formed anecdotes spring forth from your head — or keyboard, or whatever — how can it be that you have but 112p?

          • Chichikovovich

            Kind of you to say that. I haven't really been posting very long – only about 6 months.

    • NellCote71

      "You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns."

      Is this on the same shopping list for "cakes we like?"

    • Karma_Suture

      The 1,027,000 US citizens who lost their lives during WWII are fucking spinning in their graves.

  • MissTaken

    Why does the GOP hate porn so much? I would think that videos showing several naked women writhing around each other in a hot tub would make men happy.

    Oh wait, never mind.

    • Are they Georgetown law students? Because Limpballs would approve of that.

    • SorosBot

      However I believe Michele Bachman would be very interested in that. (and I see what you did there).

    • I don't have enough information from your brief description. Could you describe these videos in more detail?

  • Fare la Volpe

    We've already had the Rapture (only Randy Savage was judged to be pure)

    We've already met the Anti-Christ (Congratulations, President Santorum)

    It seems that, as scripture foretold, we've at last entered the seven years of the Great 'Tardation.

    • Chichikovovich

      It must be true! I had a dream in which the seven well favored, intelligent cows were eaten by seven ill favored cows with bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

      • Schmannnity

        You're forgetting Breitbart's recent rapture.

        • NellCote71

          Yeah. Rapture. Oh, you meant Breitbart's Rapture? Not mine?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Were any of them playing a trombone?

    • Negropolis

      Macho Man be praised.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else required people to only have boring, man on top sex?

    • MissTaken

      The guy I lost my virginity to?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        More the shame for you.

      • SorosBot

        High school sex ed really should include instructions on how to find the clitoris.

        • Have you forgotten which country this is? School boards in the great State of Ignorance would rather use The Holy Scriptures as the textbook for Sex Ed!

          (Also, since it's Mission Accomplished with regard to Hitting It, you don't have to keep waving your arms to get picked for the expedition.)

    • Fare la Volpe

      The Spartans?

      Of course, they also required man-on-bottom sex at the same time…

    • SayItWithWookies

      Ted Haggard?

      • Generation[redacted]

        "This still counts as masturbation, right…?"

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oddly enough, I can tell you that it wasn't the Prophet Muhammad. Seriously, it's actually laid out in Islamic law that although anal sex is prohibited, you can get it on in any other position that you want (I never did investigate if you could do more than one wife at a time, though).

      • doloras

        Muhammad himself only took on one wife at the time, and he's the model for Muslims to look up to, so…

        • anniegetyerfun

          Ahem… um, “took”, or… you know, took?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Davy Crockett?

  • Schmannnity

    Disconnect. Didn't South Carolina vote for the serial adulterer for President? Didn't the former Governor hike the Argentine Happy Trail?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Well, yes, but now we all know that he was a Seekrit Librul. Obvs.

    • SorosBot

      And didn't they elect their current governor after finding out she had an affair with a pasty blogger?

      • Schmannnity

        I think it was a blogger in pasties.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, but that's different 'cause…shut your dirty whore-slut mouth, liebral!

  • sharethegrief

    I think they should go all Salem and see who eventually floats to the top.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Not if you are doing it right.

  • elviouslyqueer

    You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

    Sucks to be you, Dick Cheney.

    • As much as I hate that guy, I gotta hand it to him for speaking out like that.

  • metamarcisf

    Darling Nikki must've just got in under the wire

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yeah…what about her affair with Hector the Human Toe?

  • ElPinche

    Wow..everyday there's a new level of GOP crazy.

  • LetUsBray


    • Now that is change I can believe in!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      He has my vote.

  • Lauren's County? What do Tiffany's County and Heather's County demand? That everybody wear purity rings and no short-shorts on the yacht?

    • anniegetyerfun

      So, I have a coworker who is extremely religious and very anti-Obama. She rarely posts about politics on Facebook, so we don't get into fights or anything – and also, I mean, she's a wonderful person who happens to have beliefs that I think are weird. But we get along great (probably because we are both alcoholics).

      Recently, Facebook thought I might want to peek at whatever it is that this friend is saying to other people on Facebook, and I found her commending someone for holding one of those creepy "purity" rituals for his 12-year old daughter – the kind where the poor kid is forced to swear that she will remain pure for God and for her Daddy, and there were definitely no freaky incest overtones AT ALL. So, my friend is asking all kinds of questions about the ritual, the planning, advice for having one, for her daughter. Her twelve year-old daughter. Whom she conceived out of wedlock at age 16.

      Yup, keep up that chastity thing! It's been working so well.

  • Troglodeity

    Adolf Hitler could have signed that pledge. (Well, except for the "high regard for United States sovereignty" part.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    So the only people who can join the GOP in Laurens County are completely repressed virgins and pathological liars — well, what could possibly go wrong?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Nothing that hasn't already gone wrong.

  • tallmutha

    So Rush Limbaugh couldn't get on the SC ballot unless he promises that if Slutty McSlutterson posts that video he asked for, he won't watch it.

  • upthruster

    Any republican caught "walking the Appalachian Trail" during their tenure in a South Carolina public office will immediately be exported to Virginia for a trans-vaginal or trans-rectal (depending on gender) ultrasound to determine if they've been true to their pledge to the GOP by remaining sexually inactive…otherwise known as married.

  • spinozasgod

    SC, isn't that the state where the R governor was having a hot sexy time NOT hiking the Appalachian trail? Has he been posthumously baptized a democrat?

  • Loaded_Pants


    There have are two upsides to this: We've been spared the barrage of odious attack ads & the GOP base here has only one of two choices. They have to choose either the flip-floppin' MorMoney robot or Old Cranky Eyebrows.

  • anniegetyerfun

    "And then we wonder, why didn’t they vote the way we thought they were going to vote. The pressure is on for them to say what they are."

    No, the pressure is there for them to say what they think people WANT them to be. Which is why Mittens changes his tune every five minutes and why the biggest sex scandals are almost always among the very "devout".

  • MadBrahms

    Wait until they get their Ronald Reagan promise rings.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I love the way these douchebags take their inability to get laid, and turn it into a virtue.

  • Release the Crotch-Sniffing Hounds!!!

  • owhatever

    It's a great day in South Carolina, where the Republicans are beyond the warranty period and will be recalled to the Mothership for tuneups.

  • voodooeconomics

    They deserve a Newspaper named The Clinton Chronicles.There is so much that can be written about that, besides some dude that torched his mobile Home. Come on Clintonites ( Clintonians??) of South Carolina. Calling them Clintonites should be enough to get the shotgun oiled up.

  • mermera

    Seems like I remember, in South Carolina, that John McCain was rumored to have fathered a BLACK child out of wedlock by the Bush campain. Republican on republican loosely handled pander. I don't remember John getting the obligatory apology, but he did get the nomination after hugging George W. Bush on national tee vee. And then, no one voted for him, and the girl from Alaska. So being outed for having black children and losing the election were punishment for opposing George. That's power.

  • rickmaci

    How does a political satirist make a living when reality is so over the top and this hilarious?

  • spends2much

    I would like to thank Rush and the SC GOP for helping me realize what a giant ho-bag I am! I mean, I have been known to use birth control, and like the sexy times. I guess my high school boyfriend's mother was right…

    • It is permissible for a woman to have sex, in the missionary position, married and for the purpose of procreation, but she must never, ever enjoy it. If she does she is a slut.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    But…but… Don't they know that Republicans are know liars?
    Good, vetted Republicans all!

  • NellCote71

    Good for your mother. Unfortunately, mine was not cut from the same cloth.

  • subsum

    Isn't Laurens County named after a slave trader? I think this is where the infamous Redneck Shop is; the one place where you can buy KKK hoods and shit. Boy, talk about people made for the place.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I've dropped a couple when I found out how horribly racist they were. It has to be harder when you had no idea that they were so terrible to begin with, though.

  • Guppy

    Republicans can't look at porn. Porn is depictions of sex. Meanwhile, Republicans insist that gay sex isn't really sex.

    Wait a minute…

  • JohnnyBrooklyn

    How do we vet a candidate?

    First, check their birth certificate. Oh . . . right.

  • Negropolis

    So, we're just a few steps removed from them requiring medical tests for virginity, right? What is this? Egypt or something?

    BTW, since this is South Carolina, this is probably to make sure none of the Republican wimmenz have done it with a black dude. The guys aren't required because, well, they are guys and should be able to fuck who and whatever they want, right?

  • Negropolis

    This is the state that brought you repressed sexy-time practices of Strom Thurmond and Nikki Haley and Mark Sanford and Lindsey Graham Lohan…and I'm sure we'll found out about Jim DeMint's weird sex soon enough.

    Stay KKKlassy, SC. The Other Carolina — which still has a ways to go, but is trying like hell — is eating your fucking lunch, you cavemen.

  • joobajooba

    Yeah, Darling Nikki's already busted that pledge wide open, according to Prince.:

    "I knew a girl named nikki
    I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
    I met her in a hotel lobby
    Masturbating with a magazine
    She said howd u like 2 waste some time
    And I could not resist when I saw little nikki grind"

  • ttommyunger

    Plus: No fucking on the dance floor and no dancing on the fucking floor. FIXED!

  • Profe

    Is Sarah Palin’s daughter also a Democrat?

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