WORDSMITHERY  1:34 pm March 5, 2012

Mitt Romney Fails At Complimenting His Wife

by Jim Newell

Mitt Romney wants to keep those lady voters — for whom Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are such natural fits (gross) — so here’s how he tried to compliment wife Ann at a rally today: She’s “the heavyweight champion of my life… I didn’t mean weight! That came out wrong.” It’ll be another sad, silent night of bad teevee and ice cream and turning in early at the Romney household tonight.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 117 comments }

FNMA March 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"It’ll be another sad, silent night of bad teevee and ice cream and turning in early at the Romney household tonight."

As opposed to what…oh…shit, I just threw up all over my keyboard.

But doesn't the magic underwears prevent that kind of thing?

tcaalaw March 6, 2012 at 9:54 am

I think there are strategically located holes….

RedneckMuslin March 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Are you talkin' buttsecks here cuz that other hole had a lotta mini mitt traffic.

Fukui-sanYesOta March 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"She's a walrus in the kitchen and a beached whale in the bedroom! She's all woman!"

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

And a moose in the basement.

And I DON'T mean the house, amirite?

freakishlywrong March 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

And just the right size walrus and beached whale. I love walruses and beached whales!

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Big enough for TWO Cadillacs!

beavertank March 5, 2012 at 4:32 pm

She needs not one, but TWO big trunks for all that junk.

CessnaDriver March 5, 2012 at 9:46 pm

God DAMN it I love this site.

dubyatf March 24, 2012 at 3:31 am

Omg, I SNORTED like a walrus when I read that! Hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!

Mumbletypeg March 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Heh heh — honey, when they made you… they really broke the scales – - I mean, mold.. uh"~

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"Baby, when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the house…."

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

That is so mean. Thank you.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

the heavyweight champion of my life… I didn’t mean weight! That came out wrong

"Honey, am I getting fat?"

"Darling, am I getting stupid?"

ShaveTheWhales March 5, 2012 at 10:46 pm

"Does this speech make me look stupid?"

LettucePrey March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Ice cream for dinner is awesome, because shut up.

noodlesalad March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Back in the good old day, when a man stepped in it with his wife, there was always another wife to help him get back in her good graces.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Newt mostly agrees with this.

Callyson March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Makes sense–they balance each other out. She's the heavyweight champion and he's the lightweight loser.

KeepFnThatChicken March 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

"Would you like another cadillac, honey?"

Mahousu March 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Sounds to me like a cry for help from a spousal abuse victim. Alas, one which the world will cruelly ignore.

Mr Pre-Press March 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Sealtest ice-milk, the National Anthem, and then the test-pattern to snow. It was all so much simpler in black and white.

Gratuitous World March 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"I didn't mean weight, I meant she's a 'bad, bad' black man. ah,shoot…hold on – my country tis of thee…"

KeepFnThatChicken March 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"How about them trees?!"

starfanglednut March 5, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Just the right height, aren't they?

IncenseDebate March 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

It's not over until Ann Romney sings.

Mumbletypeg March 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

heavyweight champion of my life

Gov. Christie haz a sad upon hearing this revelation.

johnnyzhivago March 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

No, he had a Hostess Twinkie!

Boojum_Reborn March 6, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Deep fried.

OkieDokieDog March 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

She floats like a butterfly, stings like a pissed off bumblebee.

Boojum_Reborn March 6, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Lands like a lead can of ass whoopin' on his android ass.

MissTaken March 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Take my wife…

No really, take her!

Wokka wokka.

Spurning Beer March 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Bitch be all stretched out.

-D. J. Shecky G.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

My wife is so fat, when she lays on the beach people try to roll her back in.

ShaveTheWhales March 5, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Henny Benny Lenny Libel!

weej_bain March 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Harem Scarem? Harems come with the magic thongs, amirite?

bumfug March 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I guess that's better than "She's ugly but she sure can cook!"

yrbmegr March 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Or, "Why are we talking about women, anyway?"

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

He'd have been on safer ground if he called her a slut

widestanceromance March 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

"Well, I will say that she maintained bowel control when tied to the luggage rack on long trips better than the other pound mutts."

Spurning Beer March 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

My wife Ann is the 600-pound gorilla in our marriage. WAIT!

I didn't mean to say "gorilla." I meant GIRL! WAIT!

SheriffRoscoe March 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Maybe if Newt had a heavyweight champion wife he never would have cheated.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

SYLVESTER STALLONE LIBEL!

HistoriCat March 5, 2012 at 4:23 pm

AAAAAAdriaaaaaannnnnn!

hagajim March 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Good to see that ol' Mitt can't even say something about his wife without putting his foot in it. More and more like W.

SayItWithWookies March 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Mitt didn't mean to call his wife a heavyweight champion — he meant she has a ridiculous purse.

Boojum_Reborn March 6, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Purse = vagina?

valthemus March 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

If public speaking were taken out of the job description for President, Romney might stand a… no, never mind. Romney would still find a way to say the wrong thing in sign language or hanky code or something.

NellCote71 March 5, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Or wearing white after Labor Day. He would do that, too.

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Would SOMEBODY buy that man a teleprompter!

freakishlywrong March 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Mitt Romney Fails.

Nostrildamus March 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Fish gotta swim.

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:10 pm

No, fish gotta fry.

ShaveTheWhales March 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Earth Orbits Sol.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Mitt's new campaign song: "I like Big Butts, and I cannot lie…."

CapnFatback March 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"Does this $300 million make me look fat?"

MissTaken March 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

She’s “the heavyweight champion of my life…

And now we know why she needs two Cadillacs.

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Pull up to my bumper.

not that Dewey March 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Unflavored for me, please.

user-of-owls March 16, 2012 at 10:24 pm

You need to come back. You're worrying me. Just say hi, ok?

not that Dewey March 17, 2012 at 10:00 am

The last Wonkwire post. [sigh] You're such a romantic.

I've been having a case of the dry snarks — I sit down to type, and nothing funny comes out. I thought that perhaps I had been branded as a pariah for having remained neutral during the Revolution.

But I've been reasonably productive outside of Wonket. We're in our new annual internal funding proposal cycle, wherein we have to appeal to HQ for money to keep the lab from totally decaying. I've got two proposals — one to restore our ability to do proper chronometry, another to measure water vapor content in the troposphere in real-time. Each one would cost about as much as 2 1/2 hours of war, or one of Ann Romney's Cadillacs. The TeaParty economy is wreaking havoc on the sciences (and most universities, as well). We've been operating on the same Continuing Resolution budget for 3 years now (the 3 years in which "Senate Dems have refused to write a budget! HurrGurr!) We're looking at 5 – 10% layoffs this year (best case — the President's proposed budget), so I'm trying to position myself as someone who is invaluable to the organization. We'll see.

user-of-owls March 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

Ahhh. Now I can breathe. Nothing wrong with being Swiss. Much better for the blood pressure than playing Robespierre. Shouldn't lose ones head, after all. I too find the snark a bit forced of late, maybe it's the sour taste the jackboot of oppression leaves in my mouth. So glad to hear you're being so busy and productive, even if it's a bit high-wire. Crossing my little stubbies that the colónes come rolling in. Mixed bag here. On the upside, looks like I'll be exercising my wings quite a bit in the coming 18 months or so. Puerto Rico; Cartagena; maybe Barranquilla; Casteau, Belgium (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe!); Stuttgart; Geilenkirchen; and who knows what else. I'm guessing the head mechanic would have something to say about a subconscious desire to flee the home situation. Also, one that's fraught with…well, all sorts of things…is the May trip back to my original nest to see the family. That should be interesting.
Mrs. Owls, out of the blue, started up with Al-Anon last week. Per usual these days, she had nothing to say about it. I'm hopeful because that's all I can afford to be right now. Must fly, there's a certain parade that this old mick must attend. Abrazos profundos.

user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 1:59 am

Ok, this is getting to be a very unhappy place to be since you-know-when. I remember slow patches, even rough ones, but don't remember anything like this before. Even during the horror show that was custerwolf, it was only short-term. This is shaping up to be the equivalent of a death sentence. Seriously, I just don't get it. In virtually every regard, from those pms-inspired 'rules' ("Don't be mean to any of those fascist vulgarians! We might hurt their feelings!"), to the 16,457 posts every fucking day, to this latest bitch fight playing out for what looks to be a Weekend of the Long Knives. Just. Fucking. Wrong.

I keep holding out hope that Ken will swoop back in, or that anybody with a lick of fucking common sense will stage an intervention to save this extraordinary place from extinction. It just isn't fair for some cunty interloper to steal a diamond that we have created. I'm at a loss right now. I had been contenting myself with just boycotting the lousy, unfunny tripe that she 'writes'; thinking that would be enough, but clearly it isn't. I hate to seem like a drama queen with these Exto-labeled 'long walks' away, but the circle of fun is drawing smaller by the day. She's brought out the absolute worst in people, turning respectable folks into fawning lickspittles and anyone that dares speak up as traitorous. Well, basta ya. Hope to hell I'm all wrong about our beloved going the way of the passenger pigeon, but I'm not feeling optimistic. Just wanted to drop a line to tell you what is going on in my wee bird-brain. Maybe we need an escape pod, though for the life of me I can't imagine where that would be. I'll keep an eye on you, I owe you too much to just walk away. But I'm hibernating for a while. Will be traveling a bunch soon anyway, and I've already weaned off pretty well. Ok, I have to crash. Let me know what your thoughts are when you get a chance. Have you been doing well of late? It brought a smile to my face to hear about your Sunday Shortzapaloozah Ritual. Hold on to things like that, amigo, they can be like sand through your fingers. Oh god, now all I can hear is feckin' Dust in the Wind. Gah!

Take care, abrazos profundos compa

p.s. any word on the funding yet?

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

No word on the funding until maybe August. But it didn't go well. The scientist who was supposed to deliver the presentation took the day off, and I thought it would be a formality — step up there and tell them what we want. But apparently scientists are whiny bitches, too, and sensing that I wouldn't be able to fight back as well as he could, they laid into it. I did the best I could, but I don't have the scientific insight that he does, and it felt like a rigged game. As soon as it was over I wrote to him and told him to turn on the damage control, which he did, but it would have been better if he had done it there. We'll see.

I didn't notice that thing last night; I guess that's why you wanted to meet in the back? Texan Bulldogette has deleted what were apparently the offending comments, but from the context, and from something that Lavrentiy Barbia said, it appears Dashboard Jesus has committed some anti-Soviet agitation, too? We always had a Cult of Personality around Ken Layne (Kenin?), but he never turned the machinery of the state against itself. This new Cult has a decidedly different character. Ken used to abuse us, and he was occasionally touchy about criticism, but he was always darkly sarcastic about it, and not self-righteous. In short, Ken's abuse of us was funny, and/or we were extremely codependent.

Like you, I've been weaning myself off my emotional dependence on this site. Stop in, make some wisecracks, and get out. It's only fun as long as it's still fun. We'll be like those orthodox communists who, when they eventually got sent to the camps, still praised the principles upon which the State had been founded, and regarded all of this messiness (so messy!) as an aberration. You today, me tomorrow!

We all thought that Wonkette wouldn't survive the IntenseDebate transformation, and it certainly changed, and some people didn't come back after that, and then it evolved into something even cooler — the collapsible threads turned out to be a boon to the rapid-fire response paradigm, and the long-form sincere comment came of age.

As far as where we would spend our exile, I have commenting accounts on a few sites, which I almost never use — RawStory (too random), TPM (Josh Marshall would have even less tolerance for our shenanigans, and it's only occasionally funny). At both of these I appear as my original Wonkette name and rock-n-roll stage persona, from before I learned how to be funny!

I've had my eye on Pharyngula as a place to live out the twilight years. They treat creationists and republicans the way we treat creationists and republicans over here; they're all smart and funny, and they know how to manage a troll. Plus, I've seen Naked Bunny with a Whip over there, and there are probably others, maybe using different names. I just haven't settled on an identity, yet.

Now, commiegirl has sobered up and is over there making nice to Texan Bulldogette. I'm tempted to go poke the hornet's nest.

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I didn't wait for your response. I reached for the cool touch of the banhammer. I poked the hornet's nest. What have we got to lose, at this point?

IncenseDebate March 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Why can't this story be front-paged or whatever you call it on the Wonkette?

ph7 March 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Rope-a-dope

Chichikovovich March 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

“the heavyweight champion of my life… I didn’t mean weight! That came out wrong.”

"Sorry, I meant to say "mass", which is the intrinsic property, unlike "weight", which depends in part on the mass of the other large object in reciprocal attraction. … What? Apologize? come on, I just did!

ShaveTheWhales March 5, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Nope. Now, santorum could have appealed to "mass", but not Rmoney.

SorosBot March 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Does this entitled idiot, foot-in-mouth husband make me look fat?

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

This was such a bad gaffe, even Rush Limbaugh is insisting Romney apologize and mean it.

Texan_Bulldog March 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Shoot, this is nothing. Did you see him reciting the lyrics to the Davey Crockett song? Guess he learned not to sing anymore but man…he probably shouldn't have anything to do with music again…ever.

SheriffRoscoe March 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Ann married Mitt for his wit, obviously. Men from the older generation seem to think that their wives actually enjoy having their weight played for laffs. A guy at the church I went to growing up used to announce to the congregation from the pulpit that when he married his wife she had a coca-cola bottle figure, but over the years had turned into a root-beer jug. HAHA. That was a good one.

NellCote71 March 5, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Oh, gad. You just reminded me why I gave up three-times-a-week forced church almost 50 years ago.

starfanglednut March 5, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Three times a week? Yikes!

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I guess they didn't allow guns in your church.

SheriffRoscoe March 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

another sad, silent night of bad teevee and ice cream and turning in early

Mitt should tell that to all the Super Tuesday primary states. He's been looking for an opportunity to connect – here it is!

Nostrildamus March 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Looks like another hot night in the magic underwear for Mittens.

BornInATrailer March 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

She don't sweat much for a big girl.

prommie March 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Her hair is just the right length!

DCBloom March 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The Weight

I pulled into Nazareth, I was feelin' about half past dead;
I just need some place where I can lay my head.
"Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned and shook my hand, and "No!", was all he said.

(Chorus:)
Take a load off Annie, take a load for free;
Take a load off Annie, And (and) (and) you put the load right on me.

James Michael Curley March 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

FTW – The Real Big Pink

BornInATrailer March 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

She'll be pulling the draw string tight on the magic sweat pants this evening.

IncenseDebate March 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

My wife, Ann, she's got a lot of junk in the trunks of her two Cadillacs.

Troglodeity March 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Or … my wife is so fat that her junk needs TWO trunks.

DCBloom March 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

FTW

MissTaken March 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Good, now Ann won't feel guilty about kicking Mitt to the couch tonight so she can enjoy some "Fifty Shades Of Grey" as the good Lord intended.

proudgrampa March 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"Not only is she the heavyweight champion of my life, she's like the best dog I ever owned. And you all know how much I love my dogs. What?"

MadBrahms March 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I hear Cadillacs have the softest, most luxurious roofs to be tied to.

Sharkey March 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Mitt, do you really want to piss off the Klitschko brothers? They would kick your ass into lower Earth orbit.

Dudleydidwrong March 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"In this corner, wearing white trunks: Ann Romney–reigning heavyweight champeen of the world!"

"And in this corner, wearing shit-stained magic underwear: Mitt Romney–loser of his last seventy-four bouts and flat on his back in all of 'em."

DaRooster March 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Uh… talk much?

Come here a minute March 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

VANILLA ice cream. Let's don't get carried away.

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I dunno. This might call for the hard stuff: French vanilla.

arihaya March 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

so: "Mitt Romney Fails in Another Attempt to Imitate Human?"

40 or 50 % McShineys March 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Totally blue-screened while running the Pandermatic App.

BarackMyWorld March 5, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"Mitt, does this $20,000 dress make me look fat?"

slowhansolo March 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm

It's not your $20,000 dress that makes your ass look big. It's your ass that makes your ass look big.

Troglodeity March 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

That's what Seamus said.

JustPixelz March 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

This is like the time Rush LImbaugh told one of his wives: "Honey, you're the slut and prostitute of my dreams … Oops, that came out wrong — I didn't mean slut."

actor212 March 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Every once in a while, I like to leave a fastball sitting on the middle of the plate.

chascates March 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Still a long way from Dubya's comment about his wife as "the lump in the bed next to me."

mrblifil March 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

"My wife ladies and gentlemen, not at all slutty or prostitute-ish like some others I could mention, but won't!"

MiniMencken March 5, 2012 at 5:19 pm

He should have simply observed that she was the right height.

Jukesgrrl March 5, 2012 at 7:20 pm

When he's getting crap for his clumsy language Mitt could take a tip from his #1 fan Ted Nugent and reply, "I don't objectify women. I'd like to think that I'm optimizing their hardware."

starfanglednut March 5, 2012 at 9:21 pm

It's not Mitt's fault he insulted his wife. The liberals made him do it!

CessnaDriver March 5, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Has Mittens tied her to the roof of the car yet?

OhNoGuy March 5, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Just remember that GWB couldn't string 10 words together that were coherent and the great American public elected him twice.
Kind of takes the fun out of this, doesn't it?

ShaveTheWhales March 5, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Hey, gather ye flowers while ye may.

clblabin March 6, 2012 at 2:11 am

I have faith that, with a lot of hard, hard work, Mittens has the charisma and electability to beat Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum among women. Gonna be a squeaker, though.

DocChaos March 6, 2012 at 10:35 am

Bad TV and ice cream followed by an early bedtime is a GOOD night at my house!

My life is pathetic.

gurukalehuru March 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

So, Mitt, how was it supposed to come out?

ttommyunger March 7, 2012 at 7:33 am

What's a hen weigh?

MinAgain March 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Mitt then said, "She's a real knockout. Wait…I don't mean I hit her. That came out wrong."

user-of-owls March 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm

♫ Anything you can do, I can do better; I can do anything better than you. ♫

not that Dewey March 24, 2012 at 11:53 pm

No, you can't.

user-of-owls March 25, 2012 at 3:16 am

Yes I can!

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