Rick Santorum Spending Kids’ College Money On His Funny Campaign

  hard times

Rick Santorum chose a hot Tennessee BBQ joint yesterday to unveil his new campaign message: He’s really poor. How poor? He’s so poor, he has to run for president, the last job in America that comes with decent health insurance. How poor? He’s so poor, he makes many hundreds of thousands of dollars per year and then blows it all on the aforementioned presidential campaign. Because he’s been dipping into the Holy Santorum Chest of Treasures and Investments to cover the costs of his campaign, which he wasn’t supposed to touch until his second-wedding night.

It’s a risky message, one that may not “play well” with the Santorum Children demographic. Via Buzzfeed:

“I walked away from all of the jobs that I had and all the money,” Santorum said at the Dayton Christian School. He and his wife Karen have been “spending down our savings,” he said.

“That’s not necessarily the best thing to do when you have three kids entering college in the next three years, but our country is worth it,” he said.

Oh hot criminy, it’s the old “the country is worth it” excuse. Debt-enslaved family members have been hearing this from their patriarchs since forever. You know. “Family, I bought a yacht — because our country is worth it.” Or the ever-popular, “Family, I invested all of our money in a land deal in… well it doesn’t matter where, they’ll tell us later! And our country is worth it. Now what I need you to do is get your friends to invest, and then they need to get their friends to invest, and then…”

But Weird Rick’s a plotting one, and this all fits into his grand scheme. Oh, what’s that, children, we don’t have enough to send you to Liberal Snob Indoctrination University — home of the Fighting Abortionists — anymore? Guess you’ll all have to become priests or nuns now! “Too bad.”

[Buzzfeed]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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198 comments

  1. Not_So_Much

    Bad genetic luck for those kids. Step 1, change your name. Step 2, take out a massive education loan and get into a snobby college that allows them to leave their frothy past behind.

      1. Biff

        My guess is that Liberty or Regents would give anyone sporting the surname santorum a free ride.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Its the contraception insurance expense that not only pushes them into the red, it also makes them see red.

  2. memzilla

    Bankrupting Santorum — the thought fills me with a conception of joy.

    I can only feel sorry for the abortion of the chilluns' edumacation. For about three seconds. Welcome to Bankrupt America, spawnlings!

  3. MadBrahms

    Why was he planning on sending them to college in the first place? Why should they get to be Gay Abortion Studies majors on daddy's dime while the rest of us work multiple jobs and take out loans, mm?

    1. JustPixelz

      His beef with college is that many — too many, in his opinion — kids go to college believing in God, but graduate without that belief. Maybe the problem is in religion, rather than education.

      "President Santorum wants everyone to believe in God. What a nabob!"

      1. MadBrahms

        Of course, it's statistically untrue, but this is a man who seems to live his entire life in a state of constant fright, so meh.

        Points for "nabob". I'm now picturing Santorum being carried across a polo field in a palanquin, sweaty Bengali laborers straining underneath him. And then suddenly that mental image became much more homoerotic than I intended.

      2. tessiee

        "His beef with college is that many [...] kids go to college believing in God, but graduate without that belief."

        Right, because if your beliefs can't stand up to rational thought, the problem is with rational thought.

  4. noodlesalad

    He can always Home College them after they Home Graduate from Home School. Then Ricky can give them Home Jobs where they can work for Home Wages until they Home Retire with Home Health Care, and get Home Buried, all before they turn 50, just like the good old peasantry days we apparently want to return to.

        1. tessiee

          If leeches were good enough for Nicander of Colophon, they're good enough for the Pauls.

  5. JustPixelz

    If he'd practiced a little more birth control, he wouldn't need as much college money all at once. (That's actually how many normal people think about having children — can I give them a good life?)

    Borrowing money to stimulate the economy without raising taxes is not necessarily the best thing, but isn't the country worth it Ricky?

    1. SorosBot

      No, you're supposed to just pop out children all the time, then drag them around as accessories to display to your friends and political supporters to prove how "pro-life" (actually anti-woman) you are.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Whereas we libruls drag around our aborted feti and damn lady pills to show how "pro-quality of life" we are. Damn libruls.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "If he'd practiced a little more birth control, he wouldn't need as much college money all at once. (That's actually how many normal people think about having children — can I give them a good life?) "

      I don't think they know what the term "Family Planning" means.

    1. tessiee

      "A place where evil people go to laugh at Jeebus, listen to heavy metal, and have gay sex. Now shut up and read your bible, or I'll make you kiss your fetus brother again."

  6. Schmannnity

    He walked away from "all the jobs that I had and all the money" just so he get back on the public dole? Oh Rick, you're so ghetto.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Ricky was for college education (his own)
    until he was against it (teatard pandering)
    until he was back for it again (imagine what went through Ricky Jr. and sisters' heads upon hearing this latest: "What, we get to go to college?"…<<>>…"Wait — now we're not gonna get to go to college?")

  8. OkieDokieDog

    I suggest he put those kids to work. It's not like they're doing anything useful anyway.

    1. MadBrahms

      I'm sure Newt would be happy to give him some tips. The school hallways of the moon don't mop themselves, you know.

    2. fuflans

      well there's the crying kid. she certainly kept us entertained for years.

      and i can't imagine her adolescence is any less traumatic.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Yeah, probably one of those liberal elite atheist indoctrination ones – that whole argument only applies to other people's kids.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Atheist Liberal College has a beautiful campus, nestled in the rolling, verdant hills on the road to Perdition. Mandatory co-ed dorm rooms and twice-yearly Sexual Experimentation Weeks broaden students' capacity for self-exploration. "Eye Of The Needle" Magazine is the nation's oldest college humor publication devoted exclusively to Biblical farce. The Film School is also outstanding. Curiously, ALC is run by the Ordo Fratrum Athea, but the Catholic hierarchy tends to tolerate their activities so long as the Friars are not completely nude during lectures.

  9. mavenmaven

    He can join the military and serve in Afghanistan. He'll earn money and his country will be grateful.

  10. SorosBot

    And he worked so hard for that money after he got kicked out of the Senate, what with writing a column every other week and blathering on Fox "News" about how young women are all sluts or we should kill all the Muslims. He really earned that money!

  11. KeepFnThatChicken

    Dayton, Tennessee. The home of the Scopes Monkey Trial, Bryan (read: "Christian") College, and people who still think they're god's gift to people.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, he's not spending his kids collidge moneys, he's investing them. God knows there's enough idiot conservative groups that'll write this frothy prick fat checks to stop by and chat for years to come.

      He's pretty canny for complete idiot. Reminds me of a Sarah Palin, without the sex appeal. (barf.)

    2. James Michael Curley

      How does he expect to pay it back on a salary of $175,000 a year? (Assuming he does get elected.)

  12. actor212

    Maybe if instead of sending his kids to that expensive private school in Virginny all those years he had sent them to the BOCES in Aspinwall, PA….

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    He needs to meet with Snowbilly & Newtie to figure out how to really grift. Rickie obviously ain't doing it right.

    1. FNMA

      Ricky knows grifting. It's just that he isn't in the same league with the Snowbilly and Newt. Nobody is. They are hall of fame grifters.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Getting $75,000 to 'Home School" your kinds from the state of Pennsylvania while you and the kids live in Washington DC is some pretty fancy grifting.

        1. FNMA

          That may be true, but compared with Newt, it's nothing. Seventy-five grand wouldn't even buy Newt a blow job. (Insert "invisible hand" job here.)

    2. chicken_thief

      Maybe he could join the Hermanator on the Cain Train bus so folks can get the 9-9-9 as well as "no sex for fun" messages in one sitting.

      1. tessiee

        I don't think Hermie would allow a "no sex for fun" message on his bus… well, maybe if they sat in the back.

  14. cuzcorrelation

    Santorum's really showing those fiscal conservative bona fides with this decision.

    Also, Holy Santorum Chest of Treasures and Investments? Shudder.

    1. tessiee

      "Holy Santorum Chest of Treasures"

      "And this is my piece of the True Cross… I bought it on ebay. See how it comes with a little Certificate of Authenticity? And this is my collection of genuine medieval chastity belt… This little goody right here was known as the 'pear of anguish'."

  15. Goonemeritus

    College is for elitist any way; the Santorum family will lead the trend of Coal Miner to Senator and back to Coal Miner in only three generations.

  16. Mumbletypeg

    It's actually a shrewd move of Santorum to capture the shrunken hearts of the sunken-scrupled Wall St. whizkids who gambled away taxpayers' savings and pension investm$. "Look what I'm willing to risk in the name of winning BIG! My firstborn, second- *and* third-born's tuitions as collateral!"

    1. chicken_thief

      The man made a million in 2010. Quits so he spend all his money vying for a job that pays $400k. Way to put that MBA to work, Rick!

  17. Joshua Norton

    Every time Santorum opens his big mouth, it sounds like a combo high mass/klan rally.

  18. fartknocker

    I'm sure the kids can get into Oral Roberts University in scenic Tulsa, OK. They have a school of law and one of their top graduates is Michele Bachman. Know they could go to school in Oklahoma and gradaute with the same acumen as Michele Bachman should really motivate the children. And ORU would never, ever brain wash anyone about religion, Christ, or the Bible. Nope, they wouldn't do that.

    1. HempDogbane

      The ORU law school lasted 7 years. They closed it down and sent the library to Jerry Falwell.

  19. Callyson

    Santorum, who has denied lobbying but worked for companies doing business with the government, reported earning nearly $1 million in 2010.
    Yeah, let's get this guy to balance the budget…at least now we know why he sticks to making hay about the womyn and the gheyz…

  20. Exhausted66

    Before I wanted him to stay in the race to hurt Mitt Romney.
    Now I want him to stay in to hurt his wife and kids.

  21. orygoon

    My ex spent his share of the college money for the kids on booze (for himself, not the kids), which was, when you get right down to it, less grandiose and probably a lot more fun.

  22. Toomush_Infer

    I think I'm being converted to the idea that Religion does matter in Politics: the Santorum theory seems to be that planning is a bad thing- just trust Daddy, and, well, if we can't afford college, too bad….how would this pan out in Washington?…

    1. tessiee

      "the Santorum theory seems to be that planning is a bad thing- just trust Daddy"

      And the Lord.

  23. DaRooster

    Are Ricky's kids going to "Dull Gaze Into The Distance, Looking Like A Psycho and Crying Pouty Brat" College?

  24. orygoon

    And in Rick's kids' case, it's not like he was going to send them to a real college like Oberlin anyway.

      1. orygoon

        Yeah, and early on it was help-free-the-slaves U., A lot of the youngsters that The Heir does music with did the undergrad there. A nice bunch, and every one I've met was in the tail of the left of the bell curve. I might should have encouraged The Heir to check it out, but back then I didn't know he was going to choose music, and hey, we're westerners, and anyway, it all worked out.

  25. OneDollarJuana

    You know, when the going got tough for the Bush twins, they went to Argentina to cool things off.

    Oh, that's right.

  26. paris biltong

    Financially responsible families do not borrow money to send their kids to college. Should serve as a model of austerity for the government. A nation of morons will then rise from its own ashes.

  27. Biff

    "Knowledge is good."

    Emil Faber

    "Is our children learning?"

    GW Bush

    Fuck it, it just isn't worth it.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    I'm glad Rick is so dedicated to his message of stopping people from using birth control that he's willing to go bankrupt to take it to the people. Especially now that we have older men with prescription-covered Viagra having sex with their now-forty-something trophy wives with an increased likelihood of birth defects and such. Because nothing's more wonderful than every loving couple being blessed with a Miracle Child that'll never be able to take care of itself and that would've been prevented by a simple application of birth control.

    1. Biff

      I look forward to my tax $$$ going toward the upkeep and maintenance of said miracle babbies.

  29. BlueStateLibel

    If worse comes to worse, the kids can work as laser-eye-burning eye doctors in Rand Paul's opthamology chain – no fancy, librul doctors' degrees needed there.

  30. SorosBot

    Could you imagine being one of Santorum's kids? They've been home schooled and brainwashed their entire lives, have no clue what the real world is like, and have cultish evangelical Catholic parents who hate the modern world and human sexuality. Life has to suck for them, particularly the girls. I don't know how they'd react to going to college and being exposed to the real world.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Aren't there Christian colleges out there that are geared precisely to this social-r3tard demographic?

          1. Steverino247

            Thank God for electives!

            (And good to see you posting. I know 4.0's don't usually cause much fuss in SF anymore, but still. Hey wait! Speaking of Orgasm, that wasn't YOU at 5:33 this morning, was it?)

          2. MissTaken

            True story! I was shaving in the shower at 5:33 this morning when everything started shaking. I got a nick on my underarm to prove it.

            So sorry to disappoint but it wasn't me orgasming this morning. Must've been Crank Tango with his tranny Tenderloin hookers again.

          3. imissopus

            You were awake at 5:33 in the morning? Good God, there still is a 5:33 in the morning?

            If that 4.0 had been down here I guarantee I would have slept straight through until the phone call from my parents on the East Coast asking if I'm okay and how the hell can I stand living out here.

          4. James Michael Curley

            Remember being in SF in a bar during an earthquake decades ago drinking with some other east coast utes. One got a little panicky and asked the old bar tender what she should do. This old North Beach bar keep says, "Hold your glasses like this so they don't spill."

          5. SorosBot

            Orgasm 101? Why you must be one of those sluts and prostitutes who should be recording your sex and sending the video to Rush Limbaugh! Women shouldn't enjoy sex, just pleasure their husband and incubate the husband's babies!

    2. actor212

      And if Mom and Dad go out to dinner, you can't be sure what's in the plastic carton they bring home. Might be leftovers, might be your dead baby brother.

      1. MissTaken

        They'd put a label on the container but I doubt his kids weren't taught how to read the letters "F-O-O-D" and "B-A-B-Y".

    3. chicken_thief

      Keep an eye out for Santorum girls in the "Girls Gone Wild" vid released after their first college spring break.

    4. tessiee

      "I don't know how they'd react to going to college and being exposed to the real world."

      They'll realize at some point that Mom and Dad aren't hanging over their shoulders, and behave exactly like you'd expect animals to behave when they realize that they've finally been let out of their cage. However, having missed on the learning curve that most kids go through in junior high and high school, they'll make their rookie mistakes at 18, instead of 14, and screw up in some spectacular way; at which point Mom and Dad will conclude that they were right, after all.

    5. MissNancyPriss

      I do feel sorry for them. It's a form of child abuse, really. Like Warren Jeffs, or the Duggars

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    Does he have a cow? Because if he does, he could trade it for some magic beans. Worked out OK for a guy named Jack.

  32. MissTaken

    Ah yes, the Gingrich excuse: I love this country so much that I will happily fuck up my family for it.

    1. MadBrahms

      They don't even need to invest in a studio! They could just hire a camera crew to follow him around and catch him snarling at undergrads / terrifying the elderly.

      The marketing line can be "Judge ye not, because that's Rick's job"

  33. Terry

    "“I walked away from all of the jobs that I had and all the money,” Santorum said at the Dayton Christian School."

    Well, truth be told, the fine people of Pennsylvania sent him packing by an 18 point margin. Not *quite* walking away from his job. More like being run out of town on a rail.

  34. donner_froh

    You have to own it, Ricky boy. As in "I blew every cent we have on a self-aggrandizing, arrogant and sure to fail run for President because it made me feel important."

  35. Redhead

    This guy never had any intention of sending his kids to elitist COLLEGE, and Glenn Beck's fancy home-learnin' online diploma mill isn't THAT expensive.

  36. unclejeems

    College? College? He's sending his kids to . . . college? Doesn't he know that a zillion percent of children of faith who enter college emerge from college as secularist zombie hippie Sharia loving crack addicts?

    Oh, wait, he's talking about, maybe, the Liberty "University." Never mind.

    1. SorosBot

      I've been boycotting them for years, because of their promotion of the child-killing "vaccines cause autism" conspiracy theory bullshit, and also just because they suck in general.

      1. MadBrahms

        That and the rest of their acai-berry-eating, colon-cleansing, organic-unicorn-diet promoting health coverage pretty much turned me off, too.

        But lots of people read them and they probably have a lot of ad money to throw around / deny Rush, so just for today I'll drink some wheat grass in their honor.

      2. DCBloom

        No, I didn't know about the vaccine stuff. But here's the thing. Sometimes I spend a lot of time reading and staying informed. Other times….. sometimes months, I just get busy with life and miss things.

        I usually go there to read Cenk and Bill Maher's blog.

    2. prommie

      So thats who still uses AOL, Limbaugh listeners.

      Actually, I keed, because I still have an AOL account, and you know, I have never ever had a virus or any malware issues come in through AOL, in 15 years.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        I still have an AOL email account. It's the email address that I give to my crazier relatives because I know they're only going to forward chain emails to me that contain some urban legend (that they believe is true), awful jokes about Obama/liberals/women/ gay people, libertarian who-haa, & animated gifs of Jesus.

        It's also registered in my Intense Debate account.

        So yeah, I never check it.

    3. tessiee

      I think, after all the hateful shit that cigar-fellating turd has spewed for decades, he's finally over and done.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        I do think he's starting to get all afraidy. But I think when the story dies down, he'll just pick up other advertisers. I'm just cynical, I guess.
        I would like nothing more than to see him crash & burn. He's been poisoning this country for over 20 years. Unfortunately, he paved the way for all the others of his ilk who followed. Any number of them would simply take his place.

  37. FakaktaSouth

    With as much damage as this man is doing to his party, if all it does is save his own kids from becoming horrid snobs, I'm on his side. Please – run Rick run… I agree, our country IS worth it. It's neat how he can compartmentalize his own megalomania like this though – jobless on purpose – Jesus' hero, unemployed on accident – here's your scorn and a drug test before you can eat, motherfucker.

    1. prommie

      It will be sooooooo boring, once Mitt gets the nomination. You have to admit, Santorum, Newt, Cain, and Ron Paul, that was quite a circus for a while there.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        It's gonna be so confusingly boring with all the "mitt said this then mitt said that." You really can only say the guy is a tell me what to say vulture type so many times.
        BUT OH MAN – watching Rush on the TV right now talking about how sincerely he apologizes is delicious. He is really sucking up. Watch him go from "make me a sex tape" to "my bad" in only 8 lost sponsors time…I can live off this horrible horribleness for a week I think.

        1. SorosBot

          Although he still hasn't apologized for the meanings of his disgusting remarks, just the use of the words "slut" and "prostitute". The cocksucking motherfucker.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Oh yeah, he's definitely all "it's a shame I said slut when making my incredibly important and salient point" but still, I KNOW it's grinding his gears to have to say a damn thing – also, seriously someone tell him you don't take bc pills the same way you do the little blue pills he gets for his trips to the Dominican. I hate how much I hate him.

    2. fuflans

      this is the thing i hate the most. this self righteousness, this absolute certainty that he is somehow the chosen one, better than the rest of us.

      when in fact, he's a total lame ass pencil neck with a god fetish.

  38. VaWyo

    Don't worry, Rick. I looked at the Patrick Henry college for idiot home-schooled kids and there is financial aid available from the gov't. So Socialism will pay for it. There is also a payment plan. It's clear from the website that they won't actually learn anything useful, such as science or anything. Your kids will be safe from intellectuals and birth control.

    This place is scary, http://www.phc.edu/

  39. prommie

    Our Country was worth so much to Newt that he had an affair with a staffer and divorced his first and second wives! Now thats selflessness, spending the college fund is nothing.

  40. proudgrampa

    Hey, Asshole. Ms. proudgrampa and I put our children through college. The first rule is: you sacrifice your selfishness, and do what you can for your kids.

    You, Santorum, are what is despicable about American politics today. You don't make me throw up, but you do give me severe indigestion. Fuck you.

  41. ttommyunger

    Now there's a novel way to attract voters: whine about how broke you are; gosh, this guy's a fucking genius!

  42. comrad_darkness

    He's getting ready to fill out a Koch Brothers think tank welfare application, isn't he?

  43. Steverino247

    Interesting choice for Republicans tomorrow. One is a country club Republican's wet dream, one is your crazy uncle, one is a known immoral crook and one is actually on a crusade. I do hope a majority votes for the patron saint of gay male sex workers (And Lo! The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter ceased to flow) so we can be rid of this party for good.

  44. Guppy

    Notre Dame let abortionist Obama in the front gate, and Georgetown (as Limbaugh has recently pointed out) is full of sluts and harlots. Where exactly were the Santorum kids planning to attend?

  45. tessiee

    Look for "Girls Gone Wild 2022" featuring the Santorum daughters in sweater tube tops.

  46. fuflans

    didn't medieval dads dedicate their not first borns to the church? and dowerless daughters?

    that could help.

  47. chascates

    This past weekend he said he spent so much on his gravely-ill daughter Bella's medical care he wasn't able to donate as much to charity and Mittens and Newtster. Santorum is totally against socialized medicine which would help someone who has a similarly sick child and is poor of course.

  48. Veritas78

    This is a dog whistle to the Vatican to come through with full scholarships to the Catholic colleges of Rickie's choice. And they will, but only for his sons.

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