i've got a golden ticket

Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard

'Don't care how, I want it NOW.' Ron Paul not-actual delegate (class of ’08) Garrett Quinn sends us this delightful Ron Paul promotional item, from the eccentric old man’s candy factory, which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits.

It’s the GO RON PAUL! official chocolate bar:

Your purchase of Ron Paul Bars helps fund various grassroots projects. A portion of your purchase (20.12% net proceeds) is currently funding “The Ron Paul Super Brochure” project. Consider making bulk purchases to send Ron Paul Chocolate Bars to early & late primary/caucus states! The Ron Paul Chocolate Bar wrapper and custom made bar is an educational tool that has a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen.

Yeah, that’s kind of the usual reaction when Ron Paul supporters are offered free food. [Garrett Quinn’s Less Is More]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Does it taste like santorum?

    • Extemporanus

      No, but the former Pennsylvania senator's Hershey Highway Kisses® do.

    • widestanceromance

      Like Ayn Rand's santorum, to be exact.

    • Negropolis

      No. It tastes like sweat and the bitter tears of Paultards.

  • tihond

    This idea is worth 100 Grand.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, I hope Rep. Paul, discovering what an inefficient, painstaking way this is to raise funds, makes the connection vis-a-vis public school programs.

      Next up: bake sales, then car washes.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Payday!

  • coolhandnuke

    Available only in white chocolate.

    • Barb

      I love your answer!

      • coolhandnuke

        Thanks (blushing). Yet, you are the Lady Godiva of Wonketeer chocolates, and I am just a humble Milk Dud.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Barb's nekkid????

          • BigRadio

            I thinking of Barb and Rebecca nekkid. Ooh-la-la.

        • Barb

          That's so cute, thanks!

    • Negropolis

      Also, it only comes with nuts.

  • veritass

    I checked the ingredient list. It includes santorum.

    • Crank_Tango

      ew, peanuts, also.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Oompa Loompa Doopido Do, What can the Gold Standard Do for You.

    • johnnymeatworth

      Oompa Loompa Doopidee Dee, Racist Newsletters Written By Me….

    • SorosBot

      Ron Paul is an kind of an old man version of Veruca Salt.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Golden ticket gets you into WonkaWorld, for starters.

  • nounverb911

    Candygram for Mongo¡ Candygram for Mongo¡

    • ttommyunger

      Mongo just tool in game of life…..

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Melts your mind, not in your hand.

    • poncho_pilot

      it was designed by the MK Ultra program.

  • e_z

    Where are the nuts?

    • nounverb911

      In Congress?

    • UnholyMoses

      Crafting poorly-spelled replies to us for mocking their Hobbitgod … ?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Attaching handmade Ron Paul signs to every light pole in town.

      • Loaded_Pants

        When they aren't yelling at passing cars.

        • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

          Or torching synagogues.

    • Callyson

      WELCOME TO THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION 2012
      August 27, 2012 – August 30, 2012
      Tampa, Florida

    • Steverino247

      His donor database is full of them.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well there's a picture of one right on the bar.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      In the blimp?

  • Barb

    I hope the Peter Paul candy company sues the eyebrows off him for this.

    • bflrtsplk

      Ron Paul is Peter Paul's second cousin.

    • ttommyunger

      I prefer Old Testament Chocolate, myself.

  • nounverb911

    Where can I invest in Hannukkah gelt futures?

  • Steverino247

    This is as close as this turd will ever get to being on currency.

    • nounverb911

      Unless he sticks his finger in an electrical outlet.

      • Steverino247

        I hope it happens twice so I can comment on how re-volting that is.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "You got your gold standard in my racism!"
    "You got your racism in my gold standard!"
    "Ron Paul's chocolate, two stupid ideas in one!"

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hey! You got vomit on my radio!

      You got radio on my vomit!

      –MST3K, Catalina Caper

  • el_donaldo

    Hmmm. I find a golden ticket in that candy bar, I'm quietly putting it back on the shelf and walking away before anyone notices. Some things I do not want to know.

  • anniegetyerfun

    That's actually kind of funny – wait, did someone with a sense of humor sneak onto Paul's publicity team?

  • Extemporanus

    Help. Police. Murder.

  • orygoon

    I've got a gol-den tick-et!

    Wait, what did I just win?

    • Negropolis

      A disjointed lecture on the evils of the Federal Reserve.

  • rickmaci

    No dark chocolate in his campaign, I guess.

    • OzoneTom

      Oddly enough, they DO offer a dark chocolate version.

      But no bars with nuts.

      No one can explain it.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I thought these people believed the Kenyan imposter was the chocolate standard????

    • doloras

      No, he's the Chocolate Reign.

      (Some stay quiet and others feel the pain.)

  • DocChaos

    I apologize for having eaten my children's inheritance.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Cacao content: -10%

    • James Michael Curley

      Coca content – not enough.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Kaka Content 95%

    • BigRadio

      I was thinking 3/5ths.

    • poncho_pilot

      it actually leeches cacao out of your body making you less chocolaty and more…white.

  • SexySmurf

    Ron Paul's ideas are like a box of chocolate: attractive on the outside, but once you've consumed them you just feel sick and pimply.

  • bumfug

    Oughta sell well, republicans gotta eat something sweet while they boycott those lesbian Girl Scout cookies.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    It comes in white chocolate, raspberry, and libertarian flavors.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I see what you did there.

  • Joshua Norton

    Since these are not doubt libertarian, free-market chocolate bars, how much of them are insect parts, rodent hairs, worms, and various other excreta? Don't need no sissified regulations telling us what to do.

    • poncho_pilot

      i think they're mostly made from recycled newsletters and crazy.

      • doloras

        Hey, Tom Metzger died!

        • poncho_pilot

          maybe he's the secret ingredient in the Ron Paul bar!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      It's also not really chocolate.

    • Negropolis

      Also, made with raw milk, 'cause, why the hell not, right?

  • UnholyMoses

    Those are the darkest things that have been within 500 yards of his campaign.

    Surprised they don't come wrapped up in little pointy white sheets …

  • SorosBot

    Stamping that crazy old man's face on the chocolate kind of ruins the appetite; it would make it very hard to eat that thing.

  • bureaucrap

    "a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen."

    especially when Paul's campaign workers go door to door saying, "We're hoping you'll trade your vote for this bar of chocolate."

    • UnholyMoses

      So "WOW!" in fact that our company had about 2,000 of these things made (with our company logo, not the Hobbitman) to celebrate our company's 80th anniversary.

      Guess whomever wrote the text has never had to order promo items before …

      • BerkeleyBear

        You want a real "WOW!" factor, you make something that really matches your product line. Like the chocolate casket I was handed at a meeting of all counsel for Hillenbrand Industries (including Batesville Casket Company) a few years back. Now, that was a WOW moment (as in "Wow, these people are waaay too happy about making caskets").

        • Biff

          Promo items can be kinda fun. The outfit that arranged my father's cremation gave me a biz card that is a cleverly concealed 6-ft tape measure.

        • UnholyMoses

          People in the Death Industry (casket makers, morticians, et alia.) have fucked up senses of humor. (And that's somewhat understandable, given their profession.)

          They just slay folks at parties …

          • BerkeleyBear

            Deathcare Industry – get your creepy terms straight.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Oh yeah, this is a perfect way to address the munchies!

  • James Michael Curley

    Ron Paul's campaign is dead. Ted Nougat just endorsed Mitt Romney.
    ""[A]fter a long heart&soul conversation with MittRomney today I concluded this goodman will properly represent we the people & I endorsed him,"

    • Generation[redacted]

      "we the people" what kind of collectivist commie talk is that??!!

      • BerkeleyBear

        In Ted's world, "we the people" are the super group he is forming with Kid Rock and Gary Busey. So he hired Mitt as his agent.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Who would be on vocals? It it's Busey, it'd be the only reason to listen to them.

    • reliefsinn

      Ted Nougat just endorsed Mitt Romney – And Barbara Hershey will soon join him, followed by Reese Witherspoon.

  • gullywompr

    I guess the pinup calendar thing didn't pan out.

  • BigRadio

    Ron Paul: he's the late in chocolate.

  • FraAnima

    Next – Screaming Yellow Zonkers with Ron's mug on the box. That's going to wrap up at least ONE demographic.

  • orygoon

    Will vote for chocolate?

    Not milk chocolate, you cheap-assed old fool. Although it's more than I would expect from you, which is Raisinettes.

  • mavenmaven

    I think it would have been more appropriate for Ron Paul to sell Doritos, his supporters would buy ten bags at a time for the, you know, munchies.

  • BigRadio

    I'm holding out for the Paul Ryan bars.

    • Biff

      I want to see Paul Ryan behind bars.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Dr Paul has been careful to emphasize that while his name and face are on the chocolate bars, he actually is not responsible for what's in them.

  • Callyson

    custom made bar is an educational tool that has a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen
    Hey, they copied that phrase from the ad for the vibrator I was considering getting…

  • fuflans

    The Ron Paul Super Brochure” project

    wtf?

    • DahBoner

      But, where's the blimpz?

  • poncho_pilot

    i would totally hand these out next Halloween and give the kids lectures on libertarian bullshit. because i'm an asshole.

    i mean Halloween 2013. have to let them age a bit.

  • pinkocommi

    Ways Ron Paul is like Willy Wonka
    1. They both make chocolate bars.
    2. They both hang around with orange people. (Boehner v. Oompa Loompas)
    3. They both are experienced better when on psychedelic drugs.
    4. They both want us to join them in a world of pure imagination.
    5. They both are bat-shit crazy.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    The Wow Standard, a diarrhea-centric currency system

  • sharethegrief

    These will fly off the stands at the segregated lunch counters.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Chocolate : Brought to you by Central America!

  • mavenmaven
    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      I was more shocked by the fact there was a non-white paultard than by the fact that they actually managed to follow through with a plan.

  • AquaBuddha

    The father of the father of Aqua Buddhism.

  • smitallica

    The funniest thing about Ron Paul supporters is that they think they're principled defenders of individual freedom, when the entire country actually sees them as deluded whackaloons who are completely unaware of the utter unelectability of the loopy old man they follow like a pillar of fire.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      The funniest thing about Ron Paul supporters is that they think they're principled defenders of individual freedom

      As long as that individual is a white, male, wealthy, heterosexual Christian.

      • DahBoner

        Amen!

  • Guppy

    Newt Gingrich may talk big about child labor, but Ron Paul does something about it!

  • 2161911

    Where's the Callista Sanitary Napkin Ring?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

    Still makes more sense than the actual gold standard; chocolate, unlike gold, actually does have some of that vaunted "inherent value" that goldbugs like to yammer about. In that you can eat it and it tastes good, rather than being treated as "precious" simply because it's shiny and digging out of the ground is hard.

  • Nostrildamus

    Disgusting. I bit into one of these and got a eyebrow stuck between my teeth.

  • Wonderthing

    Wait, someone found a way to fuck up chocolate? That's innovative.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    I would have thought our new editor would have at least waiting a couple of days before starting to pick on the mentally handicapped.

    Also, I figured the bar would have been white "chocolate".

  • sharethegrief

    Not to be outdone, Santorum is selling Malted Milk Balls.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Oompah loompah loompedy doo
    Ron Paul chocolate tastes just like poo
    Oompah loompah loompedy aye
    If you eat it you''l probably die

  • bflrtsplk

    That better be white chocolate.

  • Karlsefni

    The stoner caste of RonPauloompas are salivating in their seats over this.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I prefer crunchy frog.

  • horsedreamer_1

    You know who else favored straw men, then got his own candy bar?

    • DahBoner

      Babe Ruth?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Does the chocolate have weed in it? Gold? Cuz otherwise, no thanks.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Comrade Wingtard

    You mean RAW milk, don't you?

  • Negropolis

    …which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits.

    The Oompah Loompah's are screaming discrimination about this.

  • ttommyunger

    Ron Paul? Meh. On the bright side, it's been a good week: Andrew Breitbart is dead and I got to vote for Newt Fuck-Face in early voting down here in Dumfukistan. Again, I voiced my displeasure to the dumbstruck poll workers on the way out regarding the lack of verifiable paper back-up for my vote. I can get an immediate receipt (with photo, thankyouverymuch) for a twenty-five dollar withdrawal at an ATM, but getting a paper record of my vote is just too fucking complicated…..riiiiiiight. This shit has got to change.

  • DahBoner

    Has anyone ever seen Mrs. Paul?

    Or do they keep her locked up at the fish stick factory?

  • elburritodeluxe

    If you think that's good, try the Romney Vanilla Bar! It's good enough!

  • elburritodeluxe

    I was going to use my food stamps for cigarettes and beer, but now I'm thinking Ron Paul Chocolate.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Hmmm… twenty hours and no "Hershey Highway" jokes. Has everyone been driven away by the new Czarina?