I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET  4:57 pm March 2, 2012

Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard

by Wonkette Jr.

'Don't care how, I want it NOW.' Ron Paul not-actual delegate (class of ’08) Garrett Quinn sends us this delightful Ron Paul promotional item, from the eccentric old man’s candy factory, which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits.

It’s the GO RON PAUL! official chocolate bar:

Your purchase of Ron Paul Bars helps fund various grassroots projects. A portion of your purchase (20.12% net proceeds) is currently funding “The Ron Paul Super Brochure” project. Consider making bulk purchases to send Ron Paul Chocolate Bars to early & late primary/caucus states! The Ron Paul Chocolate Bar wrapper and custom made bar is an educational tool that has a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen.

Yeah, that’s kind of the usual reaction when Ron Paul supporters are offered free food. [Garrett Quinn's Less Is More]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Does it taste like santorum?

Extemporanus March 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

No, but the former Pennsylvania senator's Hershey Highway Kisses® do.

widestanceromance March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Like Ayn Rand's santorum, to be exact.

Negropolis March 3, 2012 at 2:42 am

No. It tastes like sweat and the bitter tears of Paultards.

tihond March 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

This idea is worth 100 Grand.

Lascauxcaveman March 2, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Actually, I hope Rep. Paul, discovering what an inefficient, painstaking way this is to raise funds, makes the connection vis-a-vis public school programs.

Next up: bake sales, then car washes.

Tundra Grifter March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Payday!

coolhandnuke March 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Available only in white chocolate.

Barb March 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I love your answer!

coolhandnuke March 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Thanks (blushing). Yet, you are the Lady Godiva of Wonketeer chocolates, and I am just a humble Milk Dud.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Barb's nekkid????

BigRadio March 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I thinking of Barb and Rebecca nekkid. Ooh-la-la.

Barb March 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

That's so cute, thanks!

Negropolis March 3, 2012 at 2:43 am

Also, it only comes with nuts.

veritass March 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I checked the ingredient list. It includes santorum.

Crank_Tango March 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

ew, peanuts, also.

SudsMcKenzie March 2, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Oompa Loompa Doopido Do, What can the Gold Standard Do for You.

johnnymeatworth March 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Oompa Loompa Doopidee Dee, Racist Newsletters Written By Me….

SorosBot March 2, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Ron Paul is an kind of an old man version of Veruca Salt.

horsedreamer_1 March 2, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Golden ticket gets you into WonkaWorld, for starters.

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Candygram for Mongo¡ Candygram for Mongo¡

ttommyunger March 3, 2012 at 8:13 am

Mongo just tool in game of life…..

ManchuCandidate March 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Melts your mind, not in your hand.

poncho_pilot March 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

it was designed by the MK Ultra program.

e_z March 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Where are the nuts?

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

In Congress?

UnholyMoses March 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Crafting poorly-spelled replies to us for mocking their Hobbitgod … ?

Doktor Zoom March 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Attaching handmade Ron Paul signs to every light pole in town.

Loaded_Pants March 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

When they aren't yelling at passing cars.

glamourdammerung March 2, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Or torching synagogues.

Callyson March 2, 2012 at 5:31 pm

WELCOME TO THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION 2012
August 27, 2012 – August 30, 2012
Tampa, Florida

Steverino247 March 2, 2012 at 6:10 pm

His donor database is full of them.

BerkeleyBear March 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Well there's a picture of one right on the bar.

ShaveTheWhales March 2, 2012 at 8:10 pm

In the blimp?

Barb March 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I hope the Peter Paul candy company sues the eyebrows off him for this.

bflrtsplk March 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Ron Paul is Peter Paul's second cousin.

ttommyunger March 3, 2012 at 8:14 am

I prefer Old Testament Chocolate, myself.

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Where can I invest in Hannukkah gelt futures?

Steverino247 March 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

This is as close as this turd will ever get to being on currency.

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Unless he sticks his finger in an electrical outlet.

Steverino247 March 2, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I hope it happens twice so I can comment on how re-volting that is.

ManchuCandidate March 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

"You got your gold standard in my racism!"
"You got your racism in my gold standard!"
"Ron Paul's chocolate, two stupid ideas in one!"

Doktor Zoom March 2, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Hey! You got vomit on my radio!

You got radio on my vomit!

–MST3K, Catalina Caper

el_donaldo March 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Hmmm. I find a golden ticket in that candy bar, I'm quietly putting it back on the shelf and walking away before anyone notices. Some things I do not want to know.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

That's actually kind of funny – wait, did someone with a sense of humor sneak onto Paul's publicity team?

Extemporanus March 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Help. Police. Murder.

orygoon March 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I've got a gol-den tick-et!

Wait, what did I just win?

Negropolis March 3, 2012 at 2:57 am

A disjointed lecture on the evils of the Federal Reserve.

rickmaci March 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

No dark chocolate in his campaign, I guess.

OzoneTom March 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Oddly enough, they DO offer a dark chocolate version.

But no bars with nuts.

No one can explain it.

johnnyzhivago March 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I thought these people believed the Kenyan imposter was the chocolate standard????

doloras March 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

No, he's the Chocolate Reign.

(Some stay quiet and others feel the pain.)

DocChaos March 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I apologize for having eaten my children's inheritance.

weej_bain March 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Cacao content: -10%

James Michael Curley March 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Coca content – not enough.

ManchuCandidate March 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Kaka Content 95%

BigRadio March 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I was thinking 3/5ths.

poncho_pilot March 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

it actually leeches cacao out of your body making you less chocolaty and more…white.

SexySmurf March 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Ron Paul's ideas are like a box of chocolate: attractive on the outside, but once you've consumed them you just feel sick and pimply.

bumfug March 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Oughta sell well, republicans gotta eat something sweet while they boycott those lesbian Girl Scout cookies.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 5:13 pm

It comes in white chocolate, raspberry, and libertarian flavors.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I see what you did there.

Joshua Norton March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Since these are not doubt libertarian, free-market chocolate bars, how much of them are insect parts, rodent hairs, worms, and various other excreta? Don't need no sissified regulations telling us what to do.

poncho_pilot March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

i think they're mostly made from recycled newsletters and crazy.

doloras March 2, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Hey, Tom Metzger died!

poncho_pilot March 3, 2012 at 11:37 am

maybe he's the secret ingredient in the Ron Paul bar!

ManchuCandidate March 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

It's also not really chocolate.

Negropolis March 3, 2012 at 2:59 am

Also, made with raw milk, 'cause, why the hell not, right?

UnholyMoses March 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Those are the darkest things that have been within 500 yards of his campaign.

Surprised they don't come wrapped up in little pointy white sheets …

SorosBot March 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Stamping that crazy old man's face on the chocolate kind of ruins the appetite; it would make it very hard to eat that thing.

bureaucrap March 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

"a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen."

especially when Paul's campaign workers go door to door saying, "We're hoping you'll trade your vote for this bar of chocolate."

UnholyMoses March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

So "WOW!" in fact that our company had about 2,000 of these things made (with our company logo, not the Hobbitman) to celebrate our company's 80th anniversary.

Guess whomever wrote the text has never had to order promo items before …

BerkeleyBear March 2, 2012 at 6:20 pm

You want a real "WOW!" factor, you make something that really matches your product line. Like the chocolate casket I was handed at a meeting of all counsel for Hillenbrand Industries (including Batesville Casket Company) a few years back. Now, that was a WOW moment (as in "Wow, these people are waaay too happy about making caskets").

Biff March 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Promo items can be kinda fun. The outfit that arranged my father's cremation gave me a biz card that is a cleverly concealed 6-ft tape measure.

UnholyMoses March 2, 2012 at 7:10 pm

People in the Death Industry (casket makers, morticians, et alia.) have fucked up senses of humor. (And that's somewhat understandable, given their profession.)

They just slay folks at parties …

BerkeleyBear March 4, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Deathcare Industry – get your creepy terms straight.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Oh yeah, this is a perfect way to address the munchies!

James Michael Curley March 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Ron Paul's campaign is dead. Ted Nougat just endorsed Mitt Romney.
""[A]fter a long heart&soul conversation with MittRomney today I concluded this goodman will properly represent we the people & I endorsed him,"

Generation[redacted] March 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm

"we the people" what kind of collectivist commie talk is that??!!

BerkeleyBear March 2, 2012 at 6:27 pm

In Ted's world, "we the people" are the super group he is forming with Kid Rock and Gary Busey. So he hired Mitt as his agent.

Loaded_Pants March 2, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Who would be on vocals? It it's Busey, it'd be the only reason to listen to them.

reliefsinn March 4, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Ted Nougat just endorsed Mitt Romney – And Barbara Hershey will soon join him, followed by Reese Witherspoon.

gullywompr March 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I guess the pinup calendar thing didn't pan out.

BigRadio March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Ron Paul: he's the late in chocolate.

FraAnima March 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Next – Screaming Yellow Zonkers with Ron's mug on the box. That's going to wrap up at least ONE demographic.

orygoon March 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Will vote for chocolate?

Not milk chocolate, you cheap-assed old fool. Although it's more than I would expect from you, which is Raisinettes.

mavenmaven March 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I think it would have been more appropriate for Ron Paul to sell Doritos, his supporters would buy ten bags at a time for the, you know, munchies.

BigRadio March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I'm holding out for the Paul Ryan bars.

Biff March 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I want to see Paul Ryan behind bars.

Doktor Zoom March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Dr Paul has been careful to emphasize that while his name and face are on the chocolate bars, he actually is not responsible for what's in them.

Callyson March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

custom made bar is an educational tool that has a “Wow” effect unlike anything we’ve seen
Hey, they copied that phrase from the ad for the vibrator I was considering getting…

fuflans March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

The Ron Paul Super Brochure” project

wtf?

DahBoner March 3, 2012 at 9:47 am

But, where's the blimpz?

poncho_pilot March 2, 2012 at 5:30 pm

i would totally hand these out next Halloween and give the kids lectures on libertarian bullshit. because i'm an asshole.

i mean Halloween 2013. have to let them age a bit.

pinkocommi March 2, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Ways Ron Paul is like Willy Wonka
1. They both make chocolate bars.
2. They both hang around with orange people. (Boehner v. Oompa Loompas)
3. They both are experienced better when on psychedelic drugs.
4. They both want us to join them in a world of pure imagination.
5. They both are bat-shit crazy.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The Wow Standard, a diarrhea-centric currency system

sharethegrief March 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm

These will fly off the stands at the segregated lunch counters.

Blueb4sunrise March 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Chocolate : Brought to you by Central America!

mavenmaven March 2, 2012 at 5:35 pm
glamourdammerung March 2, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I was more shocked by the fact there was a non-white paultard than by the fact that they actually managed to follow through with a plan.

AquaBuddha March 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The father of the father of Aqua Buddhism.

smitallica March 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The funniest thing about Ron Paul supporters is that they think they're principled defenders of individual freedom, when the entire country actually sees them as deluded whackaloons who are completely unaware of the utter unelectability of the loopy old man they follow like a pillar of fire.

glamourdammerung March 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm

The funniest thing about Ron Paul supporters is that they think they're principled defenders of individual freedom

As long as that individual is a white, male, wealthy, heterosexual Christian.

DahBoner March 3, 2012 at 9:46 am

Amen!

Guppy March 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Newt Gingrich may talk big about child labor, but Ron Paul does something about it!

2161911 March 2, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Where's the Callista Sanitary Napkin Ring?

Deportably_Jose March 2, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Still makes more sense than the actual gold standard; chocolate, unlike gold, actually does have some of that vaunted "inherent value" that goldbugs like to yammer about. In that you can eat it and it tastes good, rather than being treated as "precious" simply because it's shiny and digging out of the ground is hard.

Nostrildamus March 2, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Disgusting. I bit into one of these and got a eyebrow stuck between my teeth.

Wonderthing March 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Wait, someone found a way to fuck up chocolate? That's innovative.

glamourdammerung March 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I would have thought our new editor would have at least waiting a couple of days before starting to pick on the mentally handicapped.

Also, I figured the bar would have been white "chocolate".

sharethegrief March 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Not to be outdone, Santorum is selling Malted Milk Balls.

Numbat_Dundee March 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Oompah loompah loompedy doo
Ron Paul chocolate tastes just like poo
Oompah loompah loompedy aye
If you eat it you''l probably die

bflrtsplk March 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

That better be white chocolate.

Karlsefni March 2, 2012 at 6:51 pm

The stoner caste of RonPauloompas are salivating in their seats over this.

littlebigdaddy March 2, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I prefer crunchy frog.

horsedreamer_1 March 2, 2012 at 8:45 pm

You know who else favored straw men, then got his own candy bar?

DahBoner March 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

Babe Ruth?

starfanglednut March 2, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Does the chocolate have weed in it? Gold? Cuz otherwise, no thanks.

Comrade Wingtard March 2, 2012 at 10:57 pm

You mean RAW milk, don't you?

Negropolis March 3, 2012 at 2:41 am

…which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits.

The Oompah Loompah's are screaming discrimination about this.

ttommyunger March 3, 2012 at 8:22 am

Ron Paul? Meh. On the bright side, it's been a good week: Andrew Breitbart is dead and I got to vote for Newt Fuck-Face in early voting down here in Dumfukistan. Again, I voiced my displeasure to the dumbstruck poll workers on the way out regarding the lack of verifiable paper back-up for my vote. I can get an immediate receipt (with photo, thankyouverymuch) for a twenty-five dollar withdrawal at an ATM, but getting a paper record of my vote is just too fucking complicated…..riiiiiiight. This shit has got to change.

DahBoner March 3, 2012 at 9:44 am

Has anyone ever seen Mrs. Paul?

Or do they keep her locked up at the fish stick factory?

elburritodeluxe March 3, 2012 at 9:59 am

If you think that's good, try the Romney Vanilla Bar! It's good enough!

elburritodeluxe March 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

I was going to use my food stamps for cigarettes and beer, but now I'm thinking Ron Paul Chocolate.

FlownOver March 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Hmmm… twenty hours and no "Hershey Highway" jokes. Has everyone been driven away by the new Czarina?

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