lurch vs. robot

John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry

Just cold checking out some boobs.Political pundit people have been enjoying the idea that Mitt Romney has a “John Kerry problem.” After all, both Romney and Kerry are rich white establishment politicians — just like most politicians, on Earth. Political pundits love easy comparisons like that. But John Kerry took a break from whatever he does these days to say he’s met John Kerry, and Mitt Romney is no John Kerry. “I didn’t have trouble connecting,” Kerry said at some elitist New York speaking engagement. “I almost won the presidency.” Mitt Romney couldn’t even win Iowa, jeez!

It is true that both Mitt Romney and John Kerry are wooden gazillionaire Massachusetts liberal plutocrats, and it is true that neither of them has ever won a presidential election, and neither of them will ever be president of America or any other country.

But beyond that, Kerry is right to say that while people didn’t love him, nobody can even stand Romney, because Romney is such a creepy phony “dad-roid.” [BuzzFeed]

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      1. Designer_Rants

        Ooohh, my!
        *monocle falls from flummoxed facial expression to dangle by chain from vest buttonhole*
        *takes and holds beautiful and inquisitive young CivicHoliday's white-gloved hand*
        Pish posh my dear! All the well-born know a loooong face is a sign of nobility. So find yourself the eldest and longest-faced suitor at your debutante ball, dear, and you'll eventually be the happiest young widow at the bridge parties.

        1. CivicHoliday

          Oh why, I do declare good sir, there is a fetching lad in the corner with the face of an Ent, do you think perchance you could ask him if he would do me the honor of dancing with me? I can tell by his casual windsurfer hair and awkwardly high-wasted pleated pants that he is of good stock and would make a fine father to many generations of horse faced children with large trust funds and minimal capacity for self-reflection.

          1. Designer_Rants

            Oh yes, dear. It seems you've collected your thoughts on your future and proper marrying.
            *fits monocle back into eye, looks potential suitor over"
            I'll go urge that horse-faced lad to approach.

  1. actor212

    Mitt actually had to do a little work for his fortune. All Kerry had to do was get naked with Ter—


    I guess he has a point

  2. Joshua Norton

    “I didn’t have trouble connecting,”

    Uh, not to start a food fight here, John, But that was pretty much your biggest problem.

          1. PhilippePetain

            Wha-whaw-WWHAAAAA? Va-Va-Voom!

            I should be doing everything in twos I guess, but meh.

          2. BarackMyWorld

            Only if my friends recorded giant amounts of information about me and used the information to acquire billions in advertising revenue and were giant corporations.

  3. BlueStateLibel

    The fact that John Kerry didn't want to take an axe to the poor and the struggling middle-class, and didn't laugh in their faces at their apparel choices, should also be taken into account, but maybe that's just minor quibbles.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I like John Kerry. I hate the fact that he didn't fight back when he got Swiftboated.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Damn right. Mittens is in his own stratosphere of phony. Kerry would have to go around raving like a wingnut to be anything like Mittens, not just change his position on one issue a couple of times.

  4. Goonemeritus

    John Kerry isn’t even the richest member of Congress anymore. Mitt is fucking King Farouk rich and he was willing to do the corporate wet work to get that way.

    1. actor212

      "You ladies know I'm Senator John Kerry, who came within an Ohio alderman of becoming President, right? Let's go back to my place where I'll show you my hopper"

  5. hagajim

    John seems to be trying to see if there is enough of a wind tunnel in that cleavage to kite board or windsurf or whatever the heck he does.

  6. nounverb911

    Mitt's not French? But he had so much fun in Paris, killing his bosses wife and all.

  7. i_AM_ready

    Kerry is right in saying that Romney is no Kerry. Romney aggressively attacks his opponents, and would never allow himself to be swift-boated.

  8. James Michael Curley

    "President Obama on Friday placed a call to Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law school student at the heart of the debate over the contraception law, thanking her for speaking out on the issue.

    The call came a day after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh demanded that Fluke release tapes of her having sex in exchange for the contraception that she argued should be covered by employers. Fluke was set to go on MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell Reports when the president rang her on her phone. She took the call while waiting in the green room."

    /to use a term from that elitist sport Tennis; GAME, SET and MATCH Obama.

    1. chascates

      Limbaugh has certainly used condoms and not to prevent pregnancy. Any videos he made of a sexual nature would probably end up with a grand jury investigating him.

      1. James Michael Curley

        If I remember correctly there was that incident when his baggage was inspected on arrival in the US from the Dominican Republic and he had a bottle full of Viagra with a phony prescription.

          1. James Michael Curley

            Sounds like a homoerotic encounter with Bambi’s dad just before Rushbo killed him.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Ha, I just posted this to Facebook and all the fuckfaces from my hometown piped up to say "I love Rush Limbaugh! He's awesome and this woman IS A SLUT."

      These are all guys who had knocked up at least one woman and one sheep by the time they were 15, mind you.

  9. Biff

    One of the troubles with being tall, we're always assumed to be staring at teh cleavage. Mostly correctly so, but still.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    Kerry is right to say that while people didn’t love him, nobody can even stand Romney, because Romney is such a creepy phony “dad-roid.” that wears Mom Jeans.

    1. tessiee

      Kerry may have run a rather half-assed campaign, what with the not standing up to the Swift Boat assholes and all, but if he'd actually won?
      And THEN the whole thing about Edwards cheating on his cancer wife had become common knowledge?
      Whatever else you can say, we're all spared hearing Newt never shut up about that.

  11. Schmannnity

    While Kerry was swift boating the Cong, Mittens was being laughed at by the French as he tried to explain the Book Of Mormon.

    1. Steverino247

      Indeed, sir. As a combat veteran, not only does he deserve a peek down that woman's top, but they should all display their breasts in gratitude for his sacrifice.

      And, I'm spent.

    2. unclejeems

      The scene as I imagined it, with apologies to Monty Python et al.

      Mitt to Frenchman: Would you like to read a book of Mormon? Here, I’ll give you this one. (Tries to hand a book with gilded binding to the Frenchman standing at the door). By the way, where did you say you were from?

      Frenchman: I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Mormon? Besides, I have my own holy book.

      Mitt: What are you doing in, uh–is this France? OH . . . May I see your holy book?

      Frenchman: (Scratches his head.) Mind your own business.

      Mitt: If you will not show it to me, I will send the Angel Moroni to assault your house.

      Frenchman: I don’t want to talk to you any more, you empty-headed food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

      Frenchman (to another Frenchman): Fetchez le vache!

      Mitt: If you do not agree to my commands, than I will . . .
      (A cow is launched from a catapult, flies over the garden wall, and lands on Mitt.)

      The end.

    1. el_donaldo

      Sacrilege!!! Tasty sacrilege, yes, but I'm still officially aghast at the flavoring of bourbon.

  12. Blueb4sunrise

    If I scroll down just enough to block JK's head, I find this post moderately easy to masturbate to.

  13. BarackMyWorld

    Was I the only person who actually liked John Kerry?

    Yes, not responding to the Swift Boat attacks was ridiculous, his position on the Iraq War was clear as the skin in the "before" pic in a Proactiv commercial, and he picked a giant douchebag to be his running mate AFTER getting turned down by John McCain, but…

    Yeah…I got nothin'.

    1. fuflans

      nope i liked him. he's totally stiff and unpopulous-y but also intellectually astute and in general comports himself well on the world stage. he would have been a fine president imo.

      course, he would have to deal with bush's shit like bamz has to, so maybe all's well that ends well.

    2. SorosBot

      Oh I liked him; but then I wouldn't want to have a beer with George Bush, so I guess that means I'm not a real American.

    3. Limeylizzie

      I liked him and I loved his wife, but that might be because she's a short, mouthy foreign-type and I identified.

  14. DrunkIrishman

    John Kerry was a good guy who would have made a good president. Mitt Romney is an awful guy who would make an awful president.

    Still, Kerry didn't run a very good campaign and neither is Romney. The difference? Kerry actually led Bush at this point eight years ago and wasn't in a dogfight against a troglodytic moron in his party's primary (that'd come in the general). Romney not only gets his ass handed to him by Pres. Obama, he almost lost the nomination to a guy whose views would make Archie Bunker squirm.

  15. C_R_Eature

    "I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height."

    1. CapnFatback

      "I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height heft."


      1. C_R_Eature

        "I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height heft availability."

  16. fuflans

    wasn't there some story at the 2004 convention about kerry jumping into the water to save a dog or something?

    so yeah, just like mittens.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Maybe he'll play polo, but without a helmet. You know, to show how manyly he is.

  17. anniegetyerfun

    creepy phony “dad-roid.”

    Still beats Newt, who is a fat, bloated hemorrhoid.

  18. anniegetyerfun

    I had forgotten that John Kerry existed until now. Can I hope that the same thing will happen with Mittens in, say, 6-8 years?

  19. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Imagine the long, boring, drawn out, meandering come-on line he is thinking up.

  20. PhilippePetain

    Come on, you gotta admit it would be tough not to get an eyeful of those corn-fed pleasantly homely lady parts.

  21. PhilippePetain

    "Ah, lovely to be back in Iowa, where the tits are just the right height, i mean fullness, i mean nomnomnomnom." – John Kerry

  22. WiscDad

    My EYES are up HERE!!! Oh wait…was there some other thing to comment on? I'm just looking at the pictures.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    He thought she was wearing one of those GUESS t-shirts and he wanted to make an accurate estimate.

  24. owhatever

    The cop is just standing there letting that elitist dirty ole man fondle those Georgetown University students. El Rushbo, the four-times married fat drug addict, will deal with this on his Monday morality raving. Hrrmph.

  25. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. John AND the chick on the right are checking out those juicy melons……I smell a threesome!

Comments are closed.