LURCH VS. ROBOT  2:58 pm March 2, 2012

John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry

by Wonkette Jr.

Just cold checking out some boobs.Political pundit people have been enjoying the idea that Mitt Romney has a “John Kerry problem.” After all, both Romney and Kerry are rich white establishment politicians — just like most politicians, on Earth. Political pundits love easy comparisons like that. But John Kerry took a break from whatever he does these days to say he’s met John Kerry, and Mitt Romney is no John Kerry. “I didn’t have trouble connecting,” Kerry said at some elitist New York speaking engagement. “I almost won the presidency.” Mitt Romney couldn’t even win Iowa, jeez!

It is true that both Mitt Romney and John Kerry are wooden gazillionaire Massachusetts liberal plutocrats, and it is true that neither of them has ever won a presidential election, and neither of them will ever be president of America or any other country.

But beyond that, Kerry is right to say that while people didn’t love him, nobody can even stand Romney, because Romney is such a creepy phony “dad-roid.” [BuzzFeed]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 132 comments }

Barb March 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Oh John, why the long face?

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Long face?

Neiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggh!

CivicHoliday March 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

too much blue-blood inbreeding?

Designer_Rants March 2, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Ooohh, my!
*monocle falls from flummoxed facial expression to dangle by chain from vest buttonhole*
*takes and holds beautiful and inquisitive young CivicHoliday's white-gloved hand*
Pish posh my dear! All the well-born know a loooong face is a sign of nobility. So find yourself the eldest and longest-faced suitor at your debutante ball, dear, and you'll eventually be the happiest young widow at the bridge parties.

CivicHoliday March 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

Oh why, I do declare good sir, there is a fetching lad in the corner with the face of an Ent, do you think perchance you could ask him if he would do me the honor of dancing with me? I can tell by his casual windsurfer hair and awkwardly high-wasted pleated pants that he is of good stock and would make a fine father to many generations of horse faced children with large trust funds and minimal capacity for self-reflection.

Designer_Rants March 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

Oh yes, dear. It seems you've collected your thoughts on your future and proper marrying.
*fits monocle back into eye, looks potential suitor over"
I'll go urge that horse-faced lad to approach.

Buzz Feedback March 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Kerry still the biggest boob in the photo.

BlackReagan March 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

To be fair the other girl is checking out the boobage just as much as Kerry is.

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Kerry's in that photo?!

GOPCrusher March 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Even the girl on the left is checking out that rack. LESBIAN!

Designer_Rants March 2, 2012 at 10:53 pm

You said a mouthful.

4TheTurnstiles March 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Romney's still an asshole.

pinkocommi March 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

With all of his flip-flopping, Mitt Romney is no Mitt Romney.

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm

But was Kerry for Romney before he was against him?!

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Mitt actually had to do a little work for his fortune. All Kerry had to do was get naked with Ter—

Oh.

I guess he has a point

Major Thom March 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm

That's cold. brrrrr.

Joshua Norton March 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

“I didn’t have trouble connecting,”

Uh, not to start a food fight here, John, But that was pretty much your biggest problem.

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Agreed. Windsurfing off the Vineyard is exactly beers at the bowling alley.

FlownOver March 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I'd like to have a beer with Romney – just so I could rat him out to Moroni.

littlebigdaddy March 2, 2012 at 11:21 pm

You know what happens if you invite only ONE Mormon? He drinks all your beer!

el_donaldo March 2, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"Yes, girls, your boobs are just the right size."

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Sorry, he's not "weighing" them…

SorosBot March 2, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Boobs. That is all.

Not_So_Much March 2, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I did not read this article for the article.

Nostrildamus March 2, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Article?

elviouslyqueer March 2, 2012 at 3:06 pm

So, Mitt Romney (D), then?

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Is that chick on the right Schoenkopf?

FraAnima March 2, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I would say our new overlord has more significant assets than that.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Yes, but this was eight years ago.

BarackMyWorld March 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Pics or it didn't happen.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Google is your friend

PhilippePetain March 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Wha-whaw-WWHAAAAA? Va-Va-Voom!

I should be doing everything in twos I guess, but meh.

BarackMyWorld March 3, 2012 at 1:34 am

Only if my friends recorded giant amounts of information about me and used the information to acquire billions in advertising revenue and were giant corporations.

littlebigdaddy March 2, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Her head is not beautiful enough.

BlueStateLibel March 2, 2012 at 3:10 pm

The fact that John Kerry didn't want to take an axe to the poor and the struggling middle-class, and didn't laugh in their faces at their apparel choices, should also be taken into account, but maybe that's just minor quibbles.

starfanglednut March 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Kerry may be wooden and hard to like, but he has been a good senator here in MA, and sponsored some good legislation.

GOPCrusher March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I like John Kerry. I hate the fact that he didn't fight back when he got Swiftboated.

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Damn right. Mittens is in his own stratosphere of phony. Kerry would have to go around raving like a wingnut to be anything like Mittens, not just change his position on one issue a couple of times.

Goonemeritus March 2, 2012 at 3:11 pm

John Kerry isn’t even the richest member of Congress anymore. Mitt is fucking King Farouk rich and he was willing to do the corporate wet work to get that way.

HelmutNewton March 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I couldn't read this post. Because of the bewbs.

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

What post?

FraAnima March 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I bet he has his hands down the backs of their pants too.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"You ladies know I'm Senator John Kerry, who came within an Ohio alderman of becoming President, right? Let's go back to my place where I'll show you my hopper"

Dashboard Buddha March 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Who wouldn't?

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Sheriff Babeu?

ChiRon8 March 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

John Kerry (DD), MA

subsum March 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Nice knockers on the one to the right.

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm

You should be a CSI, with those keen observation skills.

hagajim March 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

John seems to be trying to see if there is enough of a wind tunnel in that cleavage to kite board or windsurf or whatever the heck he does.

crybabyboehner March 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"I almost won the presidency."

Spoken like a winner!

Oblios_Cap March 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Almost a winner = LOSER!

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Hey, you must be a Republican cuz us Dems believe in second place.

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Mitt's not French? But he had so much fun in Paris, killing his bosses wife and all.

i_AM_ready March 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Kerry is right in saying that Romney is no Kerry. Romney aggressively attacks his opponents, and would never allow himself to be swift-boated.

James Michael Curley March 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

"President Obama on Friday placed a call to Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law school student at the heart of the debate over the contraception law, thanking her for speaking out on the issue.

The call came a day after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh demanded that Fluke release tapes of her having sex in exchange for the contraception that she argued should be covered by employers. Fluke was set to go on MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell Reports when the president rang her on her phone. She took the call while waiting in the green room."

/to use a term from that elitist sport Tennis; GAME, SET and MATCH Obama.

chascates March 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Limbaugh has certainly used condoms and not to prevent pregnancy. Any videos he made of a sexual nature would probably end up with a grand jury investigating him.

James Michael Curley March 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

If I remember correctly there was that incident when his baggage was inspected on arrival in the US from the Dominican Republic and he had a bottle full of Viagra with a phony prescription.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Haha, the media called it a "stag party", instead of what it really was (rentboy extravaganza).

James Michael Curley March 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Sounds like a homoerotic encounter with Bambi’s dad just before Rushbo killed him.

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That's a fine thing to see on a Friday afternoon.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Ha, I just posted this to Facebook and all the fuckfaces from my hometown piped up to say "I love Rush Limbaugh! He's awesome and this woman IS A SLUT."

These are all guys who had knocked up at least one woman and one sheep by the time they were 15, mind you.

Biff March 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

One of the troubles with being tall, we're always assumed to be staring at teh cleavage. Mostly correctly so, but still.

Dashboard Buddha March 2, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Many people don't like the boob in the middle.

Jukesgrrl March 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

He has shortcomings. But qualifications to ride in the Republican clown car aren't among them.

Tundra Grifter March 2, 2012 at 3:54 pm

DB:

Here on Wonkette we prefer the boobs in pairs.

Singles, not so much.

DerrickWildcat March 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Three Girls!

BarackMyWorld March 2, 2012 at 3:52 pm

One for each purple heart.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Six cups.

johnnyzhivago March 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Romney definitely needs to marry a condiment heiress.

nounverb911 March 2, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Megan McCain's available.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"Condiment" not "monument"

coolhandnuke March 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

"I pushed for boobs before I pushed against them," Senator Lurch.

Oblios_Cap March 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Kerry is right to say that while people didn’t love him, nobody can even stand Romney, because Romney is such a creepy phony “dad-roid.” that wears Mom Jeans.

kissawookiee March 2, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I don't know if it's a plus or minus for Kerry that he didn't end the photo op by pretending one of the girls grabbed his ass.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Doing "the santorum check"

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 7:01 pm

She was trying to unplug his battery pack. That was the strongest action he could take without violating the Third Law of Robotics.

johnnymeatworth March 2, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Parasailing pics or GTFO.

gullywompr March 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Boobs. I like this new editor.

BigRadio March 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Kerry = Romney, ergo Gingrich = Edwards.

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Thus Santorum = santorum? Always and forever?

doloras March 2, 2012 at 9:10 pm

And PAUL = OBAMA! The conspiracy thickens.

tessiee March 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Kerry may have run a rather half-assed campaign, what with the not standing up to the Swift Boat assholes and all, but if he'd actually won?
And THEN the whole thing about Edwards cheating on his cancer wife had become common knowledge?
Whatever else you can say, we're all spared hearing Newt never shut up about that.

weej_bain March 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Wonkette Junior, aren't you supposed to post some text along with the photogs?

Schmannnity March 2, 2012 at 3:21 pm

While Kerry was swift boating the Cong, Mittens was being laughed at by the French as he tried to explain the Book Of Mormon.

johnnyzhivago March 2, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Until you've been laughed at by a bunch of Frenchmen, don't even try to compare his bravery to Kerry's country club river yachting adventure.

chicken_thief March 2, 2012 at 4:12 pm

They both killed about the same number of locals, though.

Steverino247 March 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Indeed, sir. As a combat veteran, not only does he deserve a peek down that woman's top, but they should all display their breasts in gratitude for his sacrifice.

And, I'm spent.

unclejeems March 2, 2012 at 8:30 pm

The scene as I imagined it, with apologies to Monty Python et al.

Mitt to Frenchman: Would you like to read a book of Mormon? Here, I’ll give you this one. (Tries to hand a book with gilded binding to the Frenchman standing at the door). By the way, where did you say you were from?

Frenchman: I’m French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Mormon? Besides, I have my own holy book.

Mitt: What are you doing in, uh–is this France? OH . . . May I see your holy book?

Frenchman: (Scratches his head.) Mind your own business.

Mitt: If you will not show it to me, I will send the Angel Moroni to assault your house.

Frenchman: I don’t want to talk to you any more, you empty-headed food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Frenchman (to another Frenchman): Fetchez le vache!

Mitt: If you do not agree to my commands, than I will . . .
(A cow is launched from a catapult, flies over the garden wall, and lands on Mitt.)

The end.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Totally OT but it's a Friday afternoon, so…is there anything better than bourbon?

Yes!

DCBloom March 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I know what I'm getting hubby for our anniversary!
Thx

el_donaldo March 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Sacrilege!!! Tasty sacrilege, yes, but I'm still officially aghast at the flavoring of bourbon.

littlebigdaddy March 2, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I'm stuck in the driest place in the USA right now, so nuthin for me!

Schmannnity March 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Trading Heinz 57s for 36s?

SudsMcKenzie March 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

He's about to Swift Motorboat those.

Blueb4sunrise March 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

If I scroll down just enough to block JK's head, I find this post moderately easy to masturbate to.

actor212 March 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Wouldn't that make him the Headless Horseman, tho?

rickmaci March 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Now those are some citizens united with their candidate.

BarackMyWorld March 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Was I the only person who actually liked John Kerry?

Yes, not responding to the Swift Boat attacks was ridiculous, his position on the Iraq War was clear as the skin in the "before" pic in a Proactiv commercial, and he picked a giant douchebag to be his running mate AFTER getting turned down by John McCain, but…

Yeah…I got nothin'.

fuflans March 2, 2012 at 3:57 pm

nope i liked him. he's totally stiff and unpopulous-y but also intellectually astute and in general comports himself well on the world stage. he would have been a fine president imo.

course, he would have to deal with bush's shit like bamz has to, so maybe all's well that ends well.

BarackMyWorld March 2, 2012 at 11:42 pm

He'll probably be Sec. of State in Barry's second term.

SorosBot March 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Oh I liked him; but then I wouldn't want to have a beer with George Bush, so I guess that means I'm not a real American.

Limeylizzie March 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I liked him and I loved his wife, but that might be because she's a short, mouthy foreign-type and I identified.

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I didn't dislike him. Just 'cause he lost, I'm not gonna dump on him like he's a GOPer.

chascates March 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Mitt Romney didn't volunteer for the Navy and fight in Viet Nam either.

DrunkIrishman March 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

John Kerry was a good guy who would have made a good president. Mitt Romney is an awful guy who would make an awful president.

Still, Kerry didn't run a very good campaign and neither is Romney. The difference? Kerry actually led Bush at this point eight years ago and wasn't in a dogfight against a troglodytic moron in his party's primary (that'd come in the general). Romney not only gets his ass handed to him by Pres. Obama, he almost lost the nomination to a guy whose views would make Archie Bunker squirm.

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Send us more updates from the future!

DrunkIrishman March 2, 2012 at 7:51 pm

BUY GOLD! LOTS AND LOTS OF GOLD!

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

"I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height."

CapnFatback March 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

"I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height heft."

Nipsed.

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"I love this state. The fields, the cars, all the little lakes. And the Boobs are all exactly the correct height heft availability."

Tundra Grifter March 2, 2012 at 3:56 pm

CRE:

We're all the same height in bed.

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Ah ha ha ha hahahaha true

Callyson March 2, 2012 at 3:44 pm

From the mind of the babe in the middle:
"Eat your heart out, Monica!"

blowharder March 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

In fairness, Kerry is not the only one staring at that rack.

fuflans March 2, 2012 at 4:06 pm

wasn't there some story at the 2004 convention about kerry jumping into the water to save a dog or something?

so yeah, just like mittens.

An_Outhouse March 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Romney should try wind surfing. That worked so well last time.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Maybe he'll play polo, but without a helmet. You know, to show how manyly he is.

slowhansolo March 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I'm sorry. This post was about… something, I'm sure of it.

C_R_Eature March 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm

It was just before lunch and for some reason Kerry wanted These.

WiscDad March 2, 2012 at 8:01 pm

bwaaaahahahaa

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 4:57 pm

creepy phony “dad-roid.”

Still beats Newt, who is a fat, bloated hemorrhoid.

anniegetyerfun March 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I had forgotten that John Kerry existed until now. Can I hope that the same thing will happen with Mittens in, say, 6-8 years?

mavenmaven March 2, 2012 at 5:30 pm

John Kerry: Vietnam war hero, Mitt Romney: Nephite-Lamanite-Zoramite war hero.

40 or 50 % McShineys March 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Imagine the long, boring, drawn out, meandering come-on line he is thinking up.

PhilippePetain March 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Come on, you gotta admit it would be tough not to get an eyeful of those corn-fed pleasantly homely lady parts.

PhilippePetain March 2, 2012 at 6:36 pm

"Ah, lovely to be back in Iowa, where the tits are just the right height, i mean fullness, i mean nomnomnomnom." – John Kerry

Chet Kincaid March 2, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Kerry is also a better Mormon than Mittens, as the photo of Kerry's Sister-Wives above shows.

WiscDad March 2, 2012 at 8:01 pm

My EYES are up HERE!!! Oh wait…was there some other thing to comment on? I'm just looking at the pictures.

Tundra Grifter March 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm

He thought she was wearing one of those GUESS t-shirts and he wanted to make an accurate estimate.

owhatever March 2, 2012 at 11:50 pm

The cop is just standing there letting that elitist dirty ole man fondle those Georgetown University students. El Rushbo, the four-times married fat drug addict, will deal with this on his Monday morality raving. Hrrmph.

BTWBFDIMHO March 3, 2012 at 12:20 am

I can't figure out which one is our new editrice. Oh well.

ttommyunger March 3, 2012 at 8:35 am

Hmmmm. John AND the chick on the right are checking out those juicy melons……I smell a threesome!

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